Cute is as cute does....

Cocks can be beautiful? They've always seemed 'awkward' to me. Not like snakes, more... sea cucumbers: brainless and fragile. But maybe it's just context.

I think my boyfriend's cock is cute, especially as it seems to have a mind of its own sometimes. I like to give it little kisses and nuzzle my cheek against it affectionately because the skin there is really soft and touchable. It's hard not to go, "D'awww..." at it. I guess I think of penises as small pets?

I'd vote no on giving the daughter a vibrator, even with a note. It's really gross to think of your parents while masturbating, even tangentially--unless you're into that sort of thing. I say, assign her the task of throwing them out--and if she steals one for herself, that's her prerogative.

"Cute" usually means "small", which would be where some people might have an aversion to having it applied to penises.

That said, as a fairly slutty bi guy, I don't recall ever thinking a cock was "cute". The strangest adjective I have used to describe a cock was probably "photogenic".

So while Mom's open about her sexual preferences and the fact that she works in the industry, what TMI doesn't say is how her 15-year-old feels about it or if she ever talks to her Mom about sex. My Mom was a pro but it certainly didn't make me feel like I could talk to her about anything sexually related. And I would have been mortified if she'd ever given me a vibrator.
So unless TMI and her daughter usually have a very open dialogue about sex I'd suggest the more sneaky throw down of the vibrator.

Damn! That would've been so cool!

I've seen some cute cocks. I've seen some that are straight up adorable.
Why? Because cocks are usually representations of the person they are attached to.
Not all cock owners are powerful, sexy pinnicles of hard-core masculinity.
Some guys are just....cute. Everything about them is cute. Even their adorable cocks.
They don't seem to mind when I tell them that, either.

@68, Having been a teenage girl at one point, I KNOW what sleepovers are like. Which is why I told her not to keep her vibrator out in the open. So that catty teenage girls wouldn't tease her about having one. I have no idea where you got the idea I was suggesting they share the thing, since I specifically said for her to stash it in the nightstand so they wouldn't see it, but whatever.

@115

Yes, @68 was having a major failure of reading comprehension. For what it's worth, I think you have a good way of handling it--sex positive without being really explicit about it. I think all teenage girls should get vibrators, but it's difficult for a parent to help out with this without it being kind of icky.

@115

I understood what you meant the first time as well. Man, I WISH my mom had given me a vibrator. Sure, it would have been awkward, but most interactions with teenage daughters are awkward. I think a lot of girls that age need to know that it's okay to masturbate. It would have been helpful for someone to tell me that it's not dirty or desperate or weird, contrary to what my Catholic school teachers preached or my friends with horny 14-year-old boyfriends said.

Plus, I was so curious at the time that I was stealing our vibrating hairbrush from the bathroom... and subsequently felt more guilty about masturbation. Took a long time to rectify that sex-phobic period of life!

Yeah, I'd say "massively throbbing" and "rock hard son of a bitch" don't really belong in the same thought process as "cute" ---

Nice to know Dan actually makes sense once in a while.

A flaccid, uncircumcised cock is adorable. He's got a little cave he hides in, peeking his one eye out, waiting for his big moment.

It doesn't get any cuter than that.

Now, when called upon, he grabs his sword and declares, "By the power of Greyskull, I HAVE THE POWER," and he transforms into hot and impressive and manly and whatnot.

But, before that.....cute. Very definitely cute.

When I was a teen, I would have totally raided the "sex toys in their original packaging" drawer if my mom had such a thing. Moms are meant to be embarrassing. That's what parents do. I fully support having a place where the extra (unused, obviously) sex toys are kept, when she feels like experimenting. MUCH better than using something that wasn't meant to be a sex toy and risking injury with household items. Couldn't hurt to put some safe lube and condoms in there as well. Better safe than sorry. hell, I might throw a morning after pill in there. Just make sure you say "if you're ever interested, you can raid this cabinet" and not "here's a vibrator. Stick it up your twat."

Concerning mud and other "messy" items getting up in orifices where it shouldn't be: I would wear panties. Maybe two pairs layered. They could be thongs, they just need to fit tightly enough that you're not getting extra fluids inside yourself. I think that's a good compromise between genital health and kinky GGG action. I can certainly still get off if I'm wearing panties, and the husband could be completely naked if he wants to be.

A few words of caution regarding vibrator use at a tender age. When your neurons (brain) and nerves (crotch) are learning what they like, there is some danger in getting habituated to the incredibly intense and efficacious stimulation that only a silicon device plus electricity plus high frequency vibrating motor can provide. It's a drag to have to introduce your toys to every new lover forever, when it could have been avoided by making sure, as a young teen, you could come with HANDS ONLY. In my work (women's health care provider) I have met a number of women over the years who regret early and regular vibrator use. One can wean, but it's difficult. Sometimes I think vibrators should be saved for later when your sexual response patterns (to non-vibratory, non-electrified other humans) are well established. Maybe a Surgeon General's warning on the package? Just sayin'.

I also read MUD's letter in the context that he had told his future wife about his fetish two years ago, and only just recently tried to engage her in it. Having a conversation in which you tell someone that you like to play with mud during sex, then letting it sit for a long time without actually introducing the fetish is a TERRIBLE way to go about it, but even if he had the conversation and sprang the mud on her a few days after her approval, this is a dick move.

Oh, it wouldn't have been a dick move if he had gotten a little mud or clay and introduced her to it gradually, in small increments. But to buy $50 worth of clay and fill the entire bathtub with it as a "surprise"? Dick move. He's so self-centered that it appears that all he could think about was how awesome HE would find that surprise, not how it would come across to even the most GGG partner. Put this in the context of another fetish, let's say something simple like bondage. It would be like saying, "Hey honey, I enjoy bondage, would you mind doing that with me sometime?" her saying yes, then you "surprising" her with a full blown reverse suspension ropework scene as her first introduction, when she was probably expecting something simple like handcuffs. Sure, you can work into the suspension scene, but damnit, you don't START with that. The very fact that he thought this was a good idea shows that he's probably a self-centered asshole, might very well prefer his fetish over her (especially considering that he assumed that locking her out and jerking off was a great idea and not at all offensive), but is certainly giving her that impression even if he doesn't.

Last but not least, as harmless as a mud fetish sounds to me, I would be horrified if I came home to find my bathtub filled with mud. Does clay seriously just wash down the drain without causing a PITA clog? I would have my doubts. And being the person usually responsible for the cleaning, I would be pissed as hell being the one to have to deal with the aftermath. So, if my partner ever surprised me with a bathtub filled with mud, even if I had fully expected to wallow around in mud together at some point, I would be so horrified with the cleaning logistics the moment I saw the bathtub filled that I really wouldn't find it sexy anymore. Get yourself a kiddy pool, mud puppies.

I'm a straight middle aged woman, and I have always thought cocks were very cute, once I have gotten to know them.

I sure hope Mud writes in to share the follow-up. Hope he hands her this column, tells her he's sorry for freaking her out, and books a trip for two to some resort where they can take a mud bath together. Just freakin google it, bra.

Mud guy - Maybe she had just cleaned the bathroom!! Anyway - christmas is here - buy her a couple day at the spa. Make sure that they offer mud baths. Then broach the subject with her and get her to try a non-threatening mud soak w/o the sex. You may even be able to do it together - in two separate tubs - and even if you get very excited - behave yourself. No body worker wants to be greated with your fantasy. Then afterwards discuss the whole experience with your wife. Even if the thought of playing in mud is replusive (is she a neat freak) - most women will enjoy spa treatments - then there is a whole world of "spa treatments" that include mud (dead sea mud, etc.) that you two can enjoy. Just take it slowly...

When my daughter was a teenager - some of my vibrators would just "disappear". Evidently, I bought her a vibrator and just left it in the bag it came in. Evenually it just "disappeared" also. My daughter is now 33 and we can talk about mastrabation and sex toys - and she also has a good sex life. I also feel that mastrabation for young girls helps them find their way later when partners are involved.

response to fiftynfun. I'm 60 and started sticking any and everything up my twat at the age of 12 (and can remember crayons up my butt at 5). Can't say it ever hurt me. I didn't have a vibrator - but found a great substitute - the bathtub faucet. Why do we think that young teens are not sexual. By the way, once I got past the wam, bam boys of my youth - I've been multi orgasmic since. We're still a very puritanical country. Let them have vibrators - whenever they are ready!!!

@125 Vibrators might ruin it for some women, but not all. I never got off by my hands alone and always used a vibrator from the age of fifteen onward, so I was worried when it came to partner sex I'd be anorgasmic. Oh my no. The first time my boyfriend and I got into it I lasted about thirty seconds. Instead of deadening my nerves, it seems as though my vibrators just primed me for multiple orgasms. If only all young women were so lucky!

Cocks are beautiful. They are fragile. They are sensitive. Once you grab a hold of them you basically have control of the situation. I think that qualifies them as cute. I would never tell a man that, though, at least not in a language that he understood.

Hey Mud... if you can afford the fancy Mudbath at the spa, Google Soap Lake, Washington/mudbath.

Hey Mud... if you CAN'T afford the fancy Mudbath at the spa, Google Soap Lake, Washington/mudbath.

Self-serve mudbath. Apparantly very soothing and great for your skin.

#77 & #85 - Couldn't agree more, thanks for saving me the time of typing it.

MUD, you handled it like a creep/asshole, and it's even more creepy/assholish that you can't see that. Your fetish is fine, but IMO you should see someone about your social/personal skills.

@125 -- I'm fascinated by this and would like to learn more. Where can I read more about habituation at an early age. Do you have any resources?

I'm not sure that I'd want my penis to be described as "cute." (Well, I wouldn't really want my penis described as anything but "nonexistent", but....) Cute conjures up images of a, small things and b, young children. Call me crazy, but I wouldn't want my sex partner associating my cock with the small cock of a prepubescent boy, thanks.

"a petite sparkly purple vibrator"...

I just had a great merchandising idea for Twilight.

Thank you for the feedback #131 and #132. To clarify, I too was a busy masturbator from a young age (orgasms at 10) and a well-aimed stream of water was my best friend. I submit that a stream of water is a different entity from a battery powered device. I have never had a patient tell me she wished the clawfoot bathtub of her youth didn't dominate her sex life as a young'un. I am all for masturbation for everyone-the young, the old, the halt, the lame, etc. And I'm glad to hear from 132 that regular use of a vibrator did not limit her later.

@139--No resources about this specifically, just anecdotally from my work as a provider of women's health for 20 years. I had a 30 something woman not too long ago tell me that her mother, with whom she had a terrific relationship, gave her a vibrator for her 16th birthday. It was the coolest thing ever at the time, all her friends were jealous, etc, but it lead to regret that she couldn't come without it. I think anyone can retrain herself, but it's hard. There is a website called "healthy strokes" about teen masturbation that focuses on warning boys to avoid "traumatic masturbation syndrome"--which is masturbating in a prone position with too much pressure on the penis. Leads to being unable to ejaculate during garden-variety intercourse, and never when he's on his back. Kind of interesting how many boys and men write in saying they have a problem with this.

@141 - too late!

http://store.babeland.com/dildos-silicon…

@146:

Are you me? Because that's pretty much my story, right down to the electric toothbrush.

Thanks fiftynfun (143). My problem too (orgasms at 4, sheesh, my kids are that age). Never been able to orgasm without being completely in control and basically using my partners as a masturbatory aide!! No fun for them really. Interesting to see that it can be a problem for men as well as for us women.

@36 What if the guy IS cute? (i.e. not sexy, or hot, or handsome... just cute?). Take what you can get, I say!

TMI should have a talk with her daughter about how your first partner should be yourself (knowing your own body). But that, like anything, infection prevention is very important (not sharing, hand washing) Mention that anything in that particular drawer is up for grabs for herself OR anyone she wants to give it to. Stress that you don't want any of it and that you don't keep track of it. This could easily lead into the subject of respecting each others privacy, (any other drawer is off limits) that you trust her and won't snoop and you expect the same. Yeah, could be uncomfortable, but seeing how she's already acquainted with your sexual preference and profession, shouldn't be too bad. It also allows her to do some shopping and to have control of her own sexuality without shame. I think we'd all be better off if this were the case.
And for christ sake, put a new bottle of lube in the drawer. So much suffering could have been avoided if I'd know about and been comfortable with lube.

I've called my boyfriend's cock "adorable" and probably "cute" on occasion. I use it because it really captures the irrepressible feeling I get to cuddle and nuzzle the shit out of it when I see it.

I always tell him that too, which staves off any misinterpretation that I see him as diminutive, etc.

I don't really get the automatic association we're making between "cute" and "small." Girls use "cute" as shorthand for attractive men all the time.

MUD dude, she wasn't pounding on the door because she was jealous you were jerking off; she probably knocked in order to apologize and re-establish communication and found you'd locked her out. Also, I can't get over choosing the tub of mud over the upset woman - I mean, really! The person with the fetish has to work really, really hard not to obsess. I once dated a guy with a foot fetish and I ended up breaking it off - not because it grossed me out - but because I ended up feeling like a pair of feet that happened to have a girl attached. Anyway, you don't need my advice because Dan's was excellent - but I do recommend you try and put yourself in the other person's place. Imagine she was obsessed with something you're indifferent to. (let's randomly pick pencils). Now imagine she had 60 pencils in the bed, you got stuck by one and were bleeding and went to get a bandaid, saying, "sorry, can't do the pencils" and she locked the door to be alone with her pencils and didn't care about your injury.

Wow, I am really disappointed in Dan on this one.
I almost always agree with his judgment.

I am a gwm with an extremely "cute" Asian partner (together 17 years).

Everything about him is "cute".
He is 5'0 105pounds and keeps his hwp 4 inch hard and 1 inch soft cock completely shaved.
He has a very tight to his body little ball sac, and maybe even Dan would have to admit that his genitals are "cute".

Surely, Dan would not suggest that I should stop calling him cute, because Dan likes them hung or whatever, as we both really get off on our kind of play!

Cocks are too cute! And hot. And odd. They are marvelous and magical. (Actully, I complimented my husband for his with a "that's a pretty cock" just a second ago.)

And, MUD - I' think your kink is cute! I'd love to play with clay... But a bathtub full of it seems kind of frightening. So, maybe that's what went wrong.

Cocks are too cute! And hot. And odd. They are marvelous and magical.

(Actually, I complimented my husband for his with a "that's a pretty cock" just a second ago when he walked by on his way to the shower.)

And, MUD - I' think your kink is cute! I'd love to play with clay... But a bathtub full of it seems kind of frightening. So, maybe that's what went wrong.

I'm shocked - I think cocks are just perfectly ADORABLE when flaccid. Very cute in my book.

I'm shocked - I think cocks are just perfectly ADORABLE when flaccid. Very cute in my book!

Ooof. Sorry for the double post. Blasted sign up labyrinths.

As with other commenters, my first thought when reading MUD's letter was something along the lines of, "Holy mother of fuck, how the hell is he going to get the mud out of the bathtub?!" You can't wash anything and everything down the drain, and getting your bathtub clogged is so much more difficult to fix than your sink or your toilet. If I was MUD's wife, I would be open to messing around with clay, but I still would have flipped out at his presentation for purely utilitarian reasons. I've done some pottery before, and let me tell you, clay can be a pain to clean up even in facilities equipped to handle it. And be assured that when we had extra clay in my pottery classes, the stuff went in the trash, not in the sink, because of the clogging issue. I'm not even sure I believe this is a real letter BECAUSE I can't imagine him getting a tub full of clay-mud down the drain without there being a problem.

Mud. Hmmm… I'm pretty vanilla, but a mud fetish barely makes me raise an eyebrow. I think that is pretty low-level on the kink-meter. I think MUD's problem has more to do with his approach than the kink itself.

Okay, so the mud scene fell apart. Neither party handled it well. MUD seems to have handled it particularly badly. Regardless how they got to this point, Dan is right. You have to talk about it. It isn't going to get better if you both maintain the silent treatment.

TMI: I second @44. Talking about sex or sex toys with mom is almost always very awkward. But when I was a teen, I had one uncle who seemed really cool, and I could talk to him much more easily than my parents. If you know of another adult in your daughter's life that she talks to about this, the vibrator might be more acceptable from them.

Cute: No. Never. "Cute" is too often synonymous with "small". And no guy wants to be told his dick is small.

Why the fuck isn't there a universal guide on how to get partners acclimated to weird fetishes? And no, I'm not talking about spanking or dirty talk; I'm talking about the kind of stuff that most people haven't even heard of, and would react very poorly to if not introduced slowly and carefully.

As someone who's been very successful at making my weirdo fetishes part of my happy and healthy sex life, I can safely say that you kind of messed up at every step of the way, MUD.

My mother was damn-near victorian in her prim and properness; she never even swore. But she did pass on age appropriate sex-ed books by the simple expedient of leaving them on my bed AND NEVER MENTIONING THEM AGAIN. EVER. And I am eternally grateful. Vibrators are next-level, but I think for this generation the same conditions would apply. Leaving them would probably be ok, but one mention over breakfast of "hey, so how did that work out for you?" would probably scar the daughter for life.

This whole column makes me want to go watch Rocky Horror Picture Show all over again!!

OH! Rocky!

Where do people get the idea that $50 worth of clay is a huge amount? I don't think any of you are artists who use modeling clay in your work. The stuff's expensive. It's not like he was buried up to his neck in a huge block of clay with only his cock in sight.

But to address the question of why she acted like she did: when he asked her about his fetish, they weren't married. When a woman marries a guy it often changes him, in her estimation. He goes from being potential husband material to being potential father material. She may have felt that the time to explore fetishes (including his incredibly harmless fetish) was before he moved from being "potential husband to future father of my kids that I'm building a life with." To her it represented a step backward, not a step forward toward the relationship and future she had her eye on.

It was just a little mud! Holy crap, I can't believe anyone really has a problem with this. You'd think savage love readers would be a little more open minded than they apparently are.

Thank god I have a real GGG partner, I'd hate to have sex with anyone who finds a problem with this scenario. In fact, I might use this as a litmus test in te future for a new partner should I need one. Freak out about this -- no getting in my pants. All of you up there failed the test, and trust me, you're missing out.

@173: Seriously?

In the LW's own words: First "she acted uncomfortable" when presented with the reality of his fetish, then when he pressed on with things "she totally freaked out."

Did he stop, check in with her, walk her back from the edge? Er, no. Again, his words: "There was $50 worth of clay in the tub that I didn't want to go to waste. So I locked her out and decided to try to make the best of it."

That is the EXACT OPPOSITE of GGG behaviour on his part. He didn't give a rat's ass about his partner - he had $50 worth of clay and a hard-on, and goddamnit he was going to put them to use.

Could his partner have been more open-minded? Sure. Could other women have responded more favourably? Absolutely. But in the moment, the woman he was with was finding it difficult to indulge his kink - his kink, not hers. He was asking her to step outside her comfort zone, but he clearly wasn't willing to take the time she needed to feel safe in doing so.

He wasn't selfish in asking her to engage with him in his fetish. He wasn't selfish in taking steps to make it happen. But when she flipped out, he had a choice between satisfying himself or taking care of his partner. And he made the selfish choice.

If you don't see something wrong with that, then trust me, we're not missing out on anything.

@171, I'm not an artist, but this inspired me to look up prices for clay, and most internet retailers offer modeling clay for around $25 for 50 lbs. There are fancier types of modeling clay that cost a bit more, but why would he use those?

Hey, uptight bitch @ 174, I'm pretty sure the wife said she was up for anything. Why should he play all nicey-nice after she freaked out and humiliated him? I'd let her go fuck herself too. Wifey is a LIAR.

Uptight bitch? Wrong on several counts (not the least of which is that I do not have the necessary equipment to qualify) but thanks anyway for making it clear that you are a misogynist asshole.

But hey, I don't envy all those uptight bitches who sure are missing out by not getting into your pants.

Clay sounds chafey.

Aww uptight bitch got her feelings hurt. Good to know I'm a woman hating woman. Way to throw out $2 words! Makes you sound like a 19 year old sociology major.

@180: I seem to have touched a nerve.

Speaking as a straight girl, cocks are DEFINITELY adorable when completely flaccid. As Erika Moen says (http://www.darcomic.org/2008/08/06/shrin…), "I feel like a benevolent giant protecting the villagers."

@175: "There are fancier types of modeling clay that cost a bit more, but why would he use those?"

Maybe it's just his personal preference for how it feels, etc. It's like how people spend more on, well, pretty much anything.

@172: Good, game, giving.

One more vote for cocks being "cute".

I find that I'm more attracted to "cute" guys than to "hot" guys. "Hot" can be intimidating. "Cute" is more in line with guys in the real world. Plus, "cute" guys aren't pursued like "hot" guys are, so the "cute" guys tend to be more appreciative when they do get pursued.

After my partner and I wrapped up a year-long sex ed curriculum for our church's teen group, we wanted to get nice little presents for the kids, and considered vibrators for the girls (all 15-17 years old [the girls, not the vibrators]). Then we found out we could go to JAIL -- apparently it's illegal in this state to give a minor a sex toy. Also to mail-order one, even if you're of age. It's literally easier to buy a gun than a dildo in Texas -- how fucked-up is that?
However, "personal massagers" can be found in any Walgreens. And if you want to give the teen girl in your life a little push toward sexual health, just gift her a vibrating hairbrush or electric toothbrush. She'll figure it out.

OMG it's f*ing CLAY! He didn't ask her to sh*t down his mouth while he wore women's clothes! Did he pick this lady up at a latter day saint's meeting or what? Savage you blew it.

@187 Like everyone else is saying here, it's not the fetish that's the problem (I personally find it quite hot, if a bit risky- muddy vajay-jay, not fun), it's the way in which MUD dealt with his partner's discomfort. He chose to go fully into indulging his own fetish, neglecting the needs of his wife (not to mention their plumbing). Dan's just pointing out the obvious- there's a right way and a wrong way to introduce a fetish to your partner, and MUD did it the wrong way.

aww... I like few things better than an ADORABLE cock.

Sorry Dan, some cocks are cute - especially when they are soft and clean. A lot of straight girls have not seen the number of cocks that most gay guys have - and therefore don't know the difference. I love touching and playing with a cute cock, tonguing and then blowing a cute cock. After the foreplay it becomes something else and that is great too. Cute cocks don't have to stay cute after arousal..(I also like cocks that aren't clean - and they are called something else.). Cute cocks are usually on cute guys.

You know, I'm pretty GGG according to my husband and girlfriend but if he told me he had a mud thing, and we were going to get into it, I'd be all envisioning Ghost right? Then he gets a bunch of clay that takes up more volume that both our bodies combined while I'm wondering "wtf does he want to do with all that shit?!" and he doesn't notice I'm wondering "wtf?" and then he comes out covered in mud all I am thinking is "what a goddamn mess what kind of freak are you yuck this is disgusting what are you some kind of porcine you're not sticking your muddy dick anywhere near my cho cho ewwwww!"

That said... I think this letter is fake. Someone that into playing in mud would know by now not to wash that much down the drain.