MONDAY, JANUARY 3 This week of almost nothing but tragedy kicks off with a relatively lighthearted tale out of Seattle, where a woman stands charged with second-degree assault after allegedly stabbing her boyfriend on Christmas. Rich and creamy details come from Seattlepi.com, which reports the fracas came to the attention of authorities around 3:30 a.m. on December 25, when the alleged victim called 911 to report being stabbed by his girlfriend. By the time cops arrived at the couples' Roosevelt neighborhood apartment, the 911-calling man had changed his story, claiming a stranger stabbed him and refusing to file a complaint against Valerie Drayton, his 52-year-old girlfriend who'd previously been charged with attempting to set him on fire. "Writing the court, Seattle detective Michelle Barker noted that the man had been unwilling to assist in prosecution after being doused with lighter fluid, and appeared reluctant to do so even after Drayton stabbed him in the arm," reports Seattlepi .com, sharing key bits of detectives' testimony on the status of the reluctant victim: "[He] told officers that he is scared of Valerie and believes she will kill him one day, but loves her because she has money to take care of him... [He] went on to tell officers that he is fearful if he leaves Valerie that he won't find another girlfriend and if that's the case he would be tempted to masturbate and would go blind as a result of the masturbation." Drayton remains jailed on $50,000 bail.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 4 The week continues in Pakistan, where today the governor of the Punjab Province was allegedly assassinated by his own security guard. Details come from CNN, which identifies the slain governor as 66-year-old Salman Taseer, a Pakistani businessman who'd successfully transitioned to politics, and his alleged slayer as Malik Mumtaz Qadri, who reportedly confessed to killing Taseer because "he did blasphemy of the Prophet Muhammed" by speaking out against Pakistan's blasphemy laws, which make insulting Islam a crime punishable by death.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 5 In worse news, the week continues with the kind of story that makes Last Days hate his job and pretty much everything else. Details come from KOMO, which identifies today's subjects as 28-year-old Jesus Sanchez and 25-year-old Kate Donahue, a newly engaged Seattle couple who'd traveled from their Queen Anne condo to Puerto Rico for a celebratory meeting with Sanchez's relatives/Donahue's impending in-laws. Then came the sort of thing normal people don't even know to fear: While attending a New Year's dinner at the home of Sanchez's uncle, Sanchez, Donahue, and seven other guests were allegedly attacked by the host, who splashed around kerosene before coming after people with a blowtorch. Yesterday, Sanchez died of his injuries. Tomorrow, Donahue will die from her injuries. Three other people were killed in the attack. "Donahue worked as a nurse for Group Health and Sanchez was a Boeing engineer," reports KOMO. "They were to be married in Seattle's Kerry Park in July." "Their love story is such a beautiful thing," said friend Michelle Font to KOMO. "They were always such a joy to be around. They were always funny."
THURSDAY, JANUARY 6 Today we kill the pain of yesterday by focusing on ridiculous bullshit, such as the Minnesota man arrested for allegedly plotting destruction via an exploding vibrator. Details come from the Waseca County News, which identifies the alleged would-be bomber as 37-year-old Terry Allen Lester, who came to the attention of authorities after leaving a collection of suspicious items in an apartment he'd vacated. Suspicious item number one: a vibrator packed with gunpowder, buckshot, and a trigger wire running to the battery port, which investigators believe Lester was planning to give to an estranged ex-girlfriend. Charged with felony creation of an incendiary device and felony terroristic threats, Lester faces 10 years imprisonment and a $20,000 fine if convicted.
••Meanwhile in Washington, D.C.: Today brought the out-loud reading of the entire U.S. Constitution on the floor of the House of Representatives, a 90-minute oratorical exercise spiced up by the occasional outburst by crazy onlookers and the failure of lawmakers to notice several omitted paragraphs when two pages of the text got stuck together.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 7 The week continues with a thematically appropriate story of horror out of New York City, where tonight Carlos De Castro, a 65-year-old celebrity journalist from Portugal, was found brutally murdered in his suite at a Times Square hotel. The prime suspect: Renato Seabra, the 20-year-old model who'd traveled to Manhattan with De Castro, and who will reportedly confess to New York police how he tortured De Castro for over an hour before castrating him with a corkscrew, a horrifying prospect that makes Last Days feel like his urethra ate a lemon. Condolences to all.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 8 The week continues with a horrifying shooting in Arizona, a nation-incriminating nightmare that is covered at length on page 11. So Last Days will spotlight today's other and much better news event: the shriekworthy touchdown run made by Marshawn Lynch, the Seahawks running back who plowed through 67 yards and nine New Orleans Saints to secure the beyond-underdog Seahawks' win over the 2010 Super Bowl–winning Saints. Go 'Hawks!
SUNDAY, JANUARY 9 The week ends with an update on last week's rain of 5,000 dead blackbirds over Arkansas, a bit of apocalypse-anticipating freakery that was followed by this week's 100,000 dead fish in Arkansas, 500 dead birds in Louisiana, two million dead fish in Virginia, 40,000 dead crabs in the United Kingdom, thousands of dead doves in Italy, and hundreds of dead snapper in New Zealand. By week's end, the global zoologicaust will be presumptively blamed on everything from fireworks and indigestion to overbreeding and climate change. Stay tuned.
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