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It doesn't always cause problems though, the times that it works out perfectly fine, are the times when he told me. "I think I might have a crush on our friend _________." When that happens I tell him that it's okay, and then we make an effort to spend some quality time together so that he can feel reconnected with me. He feels better and less guilty, I feel confident in the honesty of our relationship and everything moves on.
For the most part, I agree with the advice of Dan and Grant, but if you really want to get down with that guy, you may have to be sneaky. I would tell your boyfriend that you want to spice things up and have a threesome. When he calms down, tell him you want to have a MMF threesome first, then a FFM threesome next. Then casually steer him towards inviting the guy you like, and then lay back and try out the friend with your boyfriend. This scenario will, of course, require you to find a nice girl to share your boyfriend with for an evening, but you are GGG right?
Dan is absolutely right, explain to your boyfriend how important foreplay is, and then explain to him exactly how to do it. Make sure you keep telling him what to do and keep encouraging him the whole time.
2) I lean more towards Grant's opinion than Dan's. If you don't usually also develop crushes when you're happy in your relationship, it's a symptom. I usually only develop crushes on other people when my relationship is strained. It's so easy - there's no uncomfortable (there's that word again) conversations and arguments hanging over you when you're with someone new. Figure out your current relationship before you tell the new guy anything.
For PHM - It sounds like you're feeling guilty about being unhappy in a relationship with a "damaged" person. After all, aren't women supposed to be caring and nurturing and blah blah blee? Get over it. Unless imagining what a good person everyone must think you are for being with that unfortunate man is worth the lack of orgasms, sexual selfishness is a dumping offense.
Honestly, I don't understand why so many adults seem to believe that they have to follow every single feeling that happens to trot through their heads. This "magical emotion" bullshit sounds like an excuse for immaturity to me. Children lack the self-control to analyze and act in spite of their emotions; adults should fucking know better.
Maturity and pain resulting from pursuit of fantasy teach us that a good (or even modest) reality beats a fantasy every time. But each person must re-invent that wheel.
Teach time that foreplay can include toys. If you use toys to get yourself off he can and should use them to get you off. If he won't try he clearly needs to be dumped and then grow up a bit to see that sex has got to be reciprocal or it won't keep happening.
Regarding UOF, I hope she can figure out how to talk about crushes and attractions with her partner. My partner is terrible about this and it is a huge problem since we are human and hence at times attracted to others. I think Dan's advice is really good. Pretending you NEVER even want to look is a real hard thing to pretend for ever. Good luck.
Years ago a friend who was getting married was instructed to read C. S. Lewis's essay on the myth of romantic love, which is published in the book _Mere_Christianity_. His views on the roles of the married couple are a bit awkward today, but I agree with his realistic honesty that married people (in the context of his writing) will become attracted to and even fall in love with other people during the course of a marriage.
How you deal with those crushes, as the LW is experiencing, is the salient issue to address, rather than what's wrong with you for having them in the first place.
I realize you did not have sex until after he lost his hand, but it's possible that his libido has taken a serious hit as a result of his injury. While I (thankfully) still have both of my hands, I did temporarily lose the use of my dominant hand several years ago. I had to learn how to write, eat, shave, brush my teeth, and put on my clothes using only my weaker hand, and having to relearn basic motor skills made me feel completely incompetent. This killed my sex drive-- being unable to tie your own fucking shoes doesn't exactly make you feel sexy.
Which isn't to say that your boyfriend shouldn't be attentive to your needs, or that he gets a pass on ignoring foreplay. I'm just pointing out that he may be nowhere near 100% right now.
"Don't shit where you eat" doesn't necessarily apply; friends of friends is a fine way to meet people. It's not like the suburban housewife fucking her neighbor from last week's thread. In this case, she can stop seeing both guys, as well as their whole circle of friends, assuming her relationship with the crush is no more permanent than the one with her current boyfriend.
Basically Grant and Dan agreed, but for some reason Dan decided to rail against those anti-crush forces in the media. Which wasn't even relevant, her problem as both Dan and Grant noted is that she cares more about her social standing with her boyfriend's friends than about her boyfriend himself, let alone her relationship with him.
Yes there’s something more going on there. I just hope the boyfriend sees this and gets the fuck out.
So there you go. As far as missing lefty goes, I too was like, what does that have to do with anything? (Tho some commenters have raised potential good/interesting points on that.)
What? No controversy?! No endless fights over the column??? BORING! :) It's ALL about the squabbles in the comments section, doncha know??
And since you're dying to know, here's what I think... Great Guest advice, Grant! And Dan, yeah, happy people are attracted outside their relationship too, but the whole isolation thing rings true here. A year with no new friends? Join a book club or a writing group. Take a class. Come to think of it, how attractive can she be right now if she's always around him and his friends. Developing separate interests keeps you interesting and interested. You're probably both sick of each other.
So the crush is certainly an opportunity to examine your relationship with your boyfriend. If you come to the conclusion that you are solid with him, go ahead and crush away madly, and channel the energy it brings up for you towards your boyfriend. (I'm not saying act on it. Just stop beating yourself up inside the confines of your own skull. If those feelings can also heat things up back home, well, win/win.) If things are on the rocks, however, then you have some serious stuff to deal with, regardless of whether there's this other guy potentially out there or not.
If the crush starts getting bad, I turn it into an elaborate sexual fantasy - which I then write down and sell. Nothing takes the heat out of a fantasy like the process of professional editing and publication.
Maybe some people call the former a crush, but I disagree. A crush is a serious red flag, finding someone hot or interesting is just human nature and should be embraced. This writer seems to be describing the relationship red flag kind of crush.
One, you're going through normal ups and downs in a relationship and you're looking for a little prop-me-up. Crushes provide that little jolt of excitement and can raise your self-esteem. It's also easy to fantasize about who might want you, since your partner doesn't (or so it seems at the time).
Two, your relationship is going through serious problems possibly ending in a breakup, and you're looking for the easy landing/easy out of just starting over with someone new. You'll never fight with John/Sue, ever! Until you do.
Three, you're perfectly happy and content, but you have eyes/heart/twat and you are experiencing a normal reaction to someone you think might be compatible with your eyes/heart/twat.
Crushes pass in time, especially with more proximity. I thought my partner's friend was hot and then he moved in with us. Now I have to pick up after him, am witness to his alcoholism, and those thoughts are gone like a puff of smoke. Poof!
But the girl seriously needs to make her own friends. Not having your own outside interests will bore you and him! Go volunteer, take a cooking class, learn Spanish, take up yoga. Have a life outside your man!
Thanks, Dan. As a happily married woman who's been with her husband for eight years, I assert this is true. I have crushes every once in awhile; they don't seem to correlate in any significant way with the health of my marriage.
Moral of my story: Following someone, even for love, can be way way crappier than you ever anticipate, and it is hard to get out of that funk on your own. UOF, believe me that this will get better once you start getting some help (and schedule therapy/exercise/yoga in the morning when it can be so hard to drag your ass out of bed because "it doesn't matter if I get up anyway" syndrome). GOOD LUCK!
You know, 15 years ago, you actually had to get out of the house, travel to the nearest hipster-doofus coffee shop to find Savage Love in the local hipster rag. And if you happened to live in Bumfuck, you had no access to Savage Love. If you missed an issue, there were no archives and you had to figure out how to find the clit on your own without Dan's help.
I think #16 needs to see Louis C.K.'s "Everything's amazing, nobody's happy" bit. "My phone is slow... uh maybe you should give it a second to get back from SPACE."
PHM might want to take some time out to fantasize what he could do with that wrist stump and then suggest they make that part of their sex life. In case her boyfriend is feeling self-conscious about it, that might help a lot. If he's just clueless, then telling him what to do should work either way. If he's just selfish, then DTMA.
Unless he's just an asshole.
Sometimes it's fine to have a fuck-buddy relationship with someone who you would never actually, you know, date on a serious basis.
I realized, afterward, that in fact, people are interesting and sometimes interested but that's all it is or should be. I meet attractive, fascinating men a lot. However, I have learned that the pretense of "getting to know" someone only gets me into trouble.
But, it took being in a relationship that I really didn't want to jeopardize to realize that. My LTR that led me to crushes was lacking, this is true, but I believe I only allowed myself the crushes because of this, not that it was a catalyst. Now, I don't get to know men better. If you want intimacy and bonding, go back to your boyfriend, UOF. The grass is greener because you haven't gotten close enough to see that he hasn't mowed it in 6months.
What Savage failed to mention is this weekend the 22nd celebrates the 38th Anniversary of Roe V. Wade. Check out what's happening in your city - SF is hosting a fab parade!
Date: Jan. 22, 2011
Where: Harry Bridges Plaza, the median strip across from the Ferry Building Embarcadero @ Market
Time: 11 am
Why: To Celebrate Choice! Put on by BACORR, Bay Area Coalition for Our Reproductive Rights
FAB speakers will be there -
*Pioneer in women's health and contributing author to Our Bodies, Our Selves, Carol Downer
*Local OB/GYNs that perform abortion services and directly see the impact access to safe abortion has on women's lives
*Radical Women, World Can't Wait & Gay Shame
*Sister of Perpetual Indulgence - drag queen Do-Gooding Nuns!
Bring your signs, your friends and yourself.
Many aren't wanting to be dragged into a relationship because the 'fire' has died out in someone elsr's relationship and they feel to 'awkward' to break it off.
I agree with Grant's advice; take up a hobby!
@UOF Crushes happen,sometimes because you're bored with what's going on in real life, or scared, or unsure of your current relationship, or because that's what humans do. We live in our heads. So. I think you probably are most of those, plus maybe a tad resentful about your sacrificial cross-country move. The question you need to ask yourself is this: If I blow this LTR all to hell over this crush, how happy will I be to hear that my current boyfriend is married and soon-to-be expecting with someone else? If the answer is "very happy', then move on. Otherwise, figure it out.
It's quite possible that she feels resentful of the bf because she made a big sacrifice for him, & because he's "in charge" of their social life. Hence the reason she's obsessing over this crush and debating "telling the friend about it," instead of just enjoying it. My guess is if she gets some friends & starts having fun on her own, this crush will start to take up less space in her mental life & she won't be so angsty about it.
(sorry about the off-topic reference).
Nice job, Grant!
Easy there, fella. Let's try chopping off one of your hands at the wrist and see whether it fucks you up just a little bit for eight months or so. (Seriously, folks: eight months is nothing.) I'm not saying give him a free pass. But considering the circumstance, aren't you being just a wee bit harsh?
Letter Writer: if he says he doesn't know what to do, teach him, and insist he try it out.
And we talk about it. And tease each other. A crush is a crush. It doesn't mean you're going to act or it, or that your relationship is flawed.
And we talk about it. And we tease each other about it. But, it doesn't mean we're going to ACT on it, or that something is flawed in our relationship. Isn't that normal?
It can be innocent fun. I guess I don't understand why UOF is making it seem like this is a horribly dire situation.
A married childhood friend and I have recently reconnected, and in addition to confessing our elementary school crushes on one another (of which we were both previously unaware), we've confessed a new/renewed crush! And of course we are both in committed (monogamous) relationships...with problems...which are waaaay less appealing than the green grass on the other side of the fence. I'm happy that finally, in middle age, I've accumulated enough self-inflicted hard knocks that the only thing worse than not indulging this desire is the thought of what it would be like if I indulged it....waaay more depressing (and waaay more bad feelings about myself).
I have a couple of fantasy lusts (I won't even call them crushes) that involve two women who are entirely inappropriate to for me to ever have that type of relationship with, or tell my SO about, and I don't, though they are mental fodder.
I think UOF should probably just privately savor the feelings...you can have, experience and "feel" feelings without having to act on them. If she is committed to the BF, and monogamy is part of the deal, and she wants to maintain that relationship, she can share this crush with him or not - I don't think "uncomfortable" vs. "hurt" etc. are really differences with a distinction: they're both perfectly valid reasons for not telling her guy. @Amanda is exactly right about how this can work. Just use good judgment - all that really involves is sitting down and exploring all the aspects of what you're faced with - it doesn't require any lightning bolt insights.
I completely agree with Dan on this one. Crushes and attractions are a symptom of being alive and human and not necessarily indicative of pathology. How people respond to these feelings, however, might be an indication thereof.
...at least, I hope it is, 'cause that's why I'm chiming in: When I first moved to a new place far from where I grew up, I spent a bunch of time similarly dependent on my boyfriend for a social life, and I realize now that my life would have been different (and better) if I had had friends that were truly my own. I second (or third or whatever) the suggestions that UOF find ways to make other friends and connections - be patient, it will take time - and I think the overwhelmingness of the current crush will abate when there are other interesting things happening in her life. No reason to hope or expect the crush to go away completely, but I bet more of a balanced social life would give it some perspective.
1. Every relation that I've had has ended when I realized that I was crushing on someone else in a uncontrollably intense way. I didn't end the relationships because I wanted to be with someone else--I ended them because they had gone rotten and had to end. But being totally crazy about someone else was the huge wake-up call.
2. Like Dan says, I get big crushes on other people all the time. Sometimes it's because I feel upset about stuff in my relationship, sometimes it's just because I'm a human being.
Here are my two metrics to differentiate between crushes that are signals of relationship terminus and crushes that are signals of me being a human being (romantically attached or no). 1. Has it been 2-4 weeks and my feelings haven't dissipated? 2. Do I still want to fuck the person I'm with?
Just because you feel something doesn't mean you have to act on it. I regularly feel like yelling at some of my co-workers, but I've never raised my voice to anyone. If the feeling is kinda fun and makes things more interesting, then why not enjoy it?
1. Definitely, before anything else, make her own friends, find her own hobbies, stop being desperately dependant on the boyfriend.
2. Reassess your relationship with the boyfriend. Is it really all that great? Does this other guy really have more to offer than he does?
After UOF has done both of these things, and slept on it, she will know exactly what to do.
(a) Breakup and pursue the other guy, or
(b) Get over the crush.
If it's (b), the best way to get over a a crush is to avoid all contact with that person.
I'm not judging anyone but for me, I'd like more out of a relationship. Not just being a live in house keeper.
Is it any wonder many older women divorce men when they've been delegated to 'room mate'. Again, not judging because it could work for some. Not me, though.
I'm saying is if someone is in a relationship as I described and the 'absent' one's excuse for not being home during most of the waking hours is because they enjoy their work so much because they have work place crushes, then i'd be reevaluating the entire 'relationship'.
But scenarios like do happen and to some it's alright because I'm sure the other peraon is doing the same.
I've heard of couples talk about 'crushes' ie not threats. They say things like I can't believe you're looking at that loser, lol. They treat the crushes ie the persons as a joke not, the crushing ie infatuation as a joke as some have already pointed out. Like, I'd never seriously ever date the 'crush' if I were single. Big difference.
Anyway, the letter writer has a serious infatuation with this friend. That's why she's afraid to tell her boyfriend. She probably doesn't really think he's some random loser
Fuck all these other comments, I LMFAO at "WHERE IS JA??"
Funniest fucking thing ever.
No crush I have, no matter how strong, will ever be a threat to my girlfriend. Because *I* decide what I do or don't do, not some chemical state triggered by my biology. *I* am in love with my girlfriend, not my body chemistry, and no set of hormonal cues will ever convince me to deliberately hurt her. And my girlfriend knows that-- she's the same way-- and that's why she doesn't give a shit about my crushes.
But there are people who subscribe to the "magical emotion" bullshit, that if you feel something it must mean something, and thus give themselves free license to casually ignore the well-being of everyone else in their lives. And for those people-- people who lack self-restraint and who assume everyone else is equally crippled-- crushes are the scariest thing to a relationship.
Having the crush doesn't make your significant a jerk. Acting on said crush does.
"Case closed, suitcase filled with clothes." ©Christopher Wallace
I could never subscribe to that lifestyle. Well, anyhow, hope you protect yourself because that is very risky to you and your girlfriend.
"I'm not one to judge you," just let me judge you. (Do you even know what it means to judge someone? I'll tell you.... it's exactly what you did.)
You're conflating "love" with "sex," and assuming that sex is a zero-sum game where someone has to give something up. Many of us have respectful, caring casual sex that doesn't dehumanize anyone. And many of us also have loving, committed relationships with more than one person. I'm sorry you don't understand how that happens, but it doesn't make it not true.
But if you don't subscribe to the magical emotion bullshit, how do you humanize the other persons in your life?
Umm... because I'm a decent human being?
I don't understand what your question is. Are you assuming that being respectful and considerate of others has its origins in emotions? Because I frankly find that worldview disturbing, as it results it only being decent to people you already like.
IMO, the true test of character is how you treat people that you don't like.
I have to say that I do agree to a point with Dan about sometimes people are just hot, and sometimes you're just attracted to them. That said, I think that people can be a lot MORE hot if your current situation is NOT. But we can agree to disagree.
Oh, and "Drs. Laura and Phil" Dan? Ouch. I mean really, ouch. You couldn't have mentioned, I dunno, someone who's not a complete fucktard?
That's what I'd describe as a crush. Much more than just a passing lustful glance at a stranger, but not the head-over-heels let's run away together bs.
Question #23: "My Husband Smelled A Little Differently Yesterday. What Should I Do?"
Question answered at:
The Absentee Daddy Blog
I answer all questions ever.
The way it works out is that I tell her then we seduce them. Before you know it, we're both inside of her and everyone's stoked! Try that one out!
@103/104- the fact that some number of us went to see what you were on about doesn't mean we were impressed by what we saw. Stick around and try to stay on topic, and you'll make more friends than by coming over just to spam us.
Then I went away for two months. He partied it up with my friends, and then flew cross country to have an affair with someone I considered my close friend in my program. The sex only lasted a week (as long as he could stay with her), but it was followed by the whole nine yards of an email relationship--lovey dovey emails, and even a marriage proposal to this "friend" and colleague of mine. He claimed it was because he was lonely, she was one of his few friends.
Basically, I did my best to try and help my bf be less isolated, am not in any way a jealous person, had an open relationship, and he AND a good friend turned out to be a CPOS. The worst? He can go home and forget about the whole thing, but I am stuck interacting with this woman for the next 5 years of my life in a fairly close professional and sometimes social setting. Obviously you can't switch doctoral programs like you can jobs, plus I'm not dropping out of the top PhD program in my field because she is a CPOS. If he'd had his own friends and cheated, I could at least not ever have to deal with either one of them again if I didn't want to. So...he didn't shit where he lived, he shat where I lived, and then left.
So...moral of the story? If she decides to cheat on her boyfriend with someone in his grad program, he will have to deal with the ramifications far longer than she will ever have to.
Sometimes, it can mean that they're simply not the monogamous type. But for people who really *like* monogamy, then, if they really care for their partner, they will stay away any crush that is more than a harmless distraction.
We may both have questionable taste in men, but I don't choose to sleep with the fiance of my best friend in the program and assume that no one will ever find out about it. Moreover, she made it clear in her emails to him she valued my friendship far more than her relationship with him. That indicates, at the very least, extremely poor decision making skills and a limited ability to think through the consequences of one's actions. Not to mention a complete fail in friendship skills. But...other than that, yeah, we must be exactly the same.
Whats worse is this seems to be a common theme for me. I have always been a guys chick but I also tend to crush big time on my male friends (or if I don't they crush on me) in fact my current bf and I were friends for 8 years before we got together. When we were broken up a few months I started to fall hard for my bf best friend, essentially ruining the friendship between all three of us. I just don't know what to do!! I love my bf, I want to get married in the next couple of years and I do not want these feelings,I realize they are normal but I still want them gone, any advise?
Sorry for the ramble, but I needed to get that off my chest :)