MONDAY, FEBRUARY 7 This week of Egyptian revolution and real-life surgery nightmares kicks off with a blast of instant karma, as experienced by the man in Central California who attended a cockfight and was fatally stabbed by a knife-wielding rooster. Details come from the Associated Press, which describes cockfighting as "a sport, illegal in the United States, in which specially bred roosters are put into a ring and encouraged to fight until one is incapacitated or killed." Aiding the incapacitating/killing: the knives tied to the fighting cocks' limbs, which flail about while men gather round to cheer and occasionally get stabbed to death. "Jose Luis Ochoa, 35, of Lamont, was declared dead at a hospital about two hours after he was injured in neighboring Tulare County," reports the AP. "An autopsy concluded Ochoa died of an accidental 'sharp force injury' to his right calf. Sheriff's spokesman Ray Pruitt said it was unclear if a delay in seeking medical attention contributed to Ochoa's death. No arrests were made at the cockfight."
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 8 From instant karma we proceed to fatal ass vanity, as suffered by the 20-year-old woman who traveled from London to Philadelphia to have a bootleg buttocks-augmentation procedure and died. Details come from CNN, which identifies the victim as Claudia Aderotimi, who is believed to have arranged the $1,800 procedure over the internet before meeting her underground ass- enlarger last night at a hotel near the Philadelphia airport. Here, Ms. Aderotimi had a substance injected into her buttocks, after which she complained of chest pains. By this morning, she was dead. "A woman who allegedly helped arrange the trip told police that 'Black Madam' carried out the procedure," reports CNN, referring to the 41-year-old transgender hiphop singer "believed to be the person who injected Aderotimi with a substance that was supposed to be silicone." Stay tuned for news of arrests and TV options.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 9 The week continues with a ridiculously horrible story out of Minnesota, where an unscrupulous nurse stands accused of sending an unanesthetized patient into surgery after the nurse allegedly stole the patient's pain medication. As the Associated Press reports, the saga commenced last November, when an unnamed male checked into Minneapolis's Abbott Northwestern Hospital for surgery to remove his kidney stones. "Part of the procedure involves inserting a tube into the patient's back and down into the kidney," reports the AP. "Patients are normally heavily sedated or asleep during the procedure. But [Sarah May] Casareto, a nurse anesthetist, allegedly told the man, 'You're gonna have to man up here and take some of the pain because we can't give you a lot of medication'... During surgery, the patient told doctors he was experiencing the worst pain, describing the feeling as 'very long needles going through my skin and down into my kidney'... Meanwhile, hospital staff told police Casareto was distracted and disoriented, kept falling asleep, and was gesturing and talking loudly." When questioned by police, the 33-year-old Casareto allegedly told officers she was addicted to pain medications, and today, Casareto was charged with felony theft of a controlled substance. Condolences to the man who lived through a real-life surgical nightmare, and good luck with a zillion-dollar civil suit.
••Speaking of real-life nightmares, today also brings a story from the Smoking Gun, beginning with this sentence: "Laboratory tests have confirmed that semen found in a yogurt sample consumed by a New Mexico woman matches the DNA of a grocery store employee who was suspected in the tainting case." Long story short: In January, a 28-year-old female shopper at Albuquerque's Sunflower Farmers Market (remember that name) was approached by a pushy man offering her a yogurt sample, which tasted horrifyingly like semen. The woman alerted cops, the cops got a search warrant authorizing the collection of a DNA sample from the yogurt-pusher, and the presence of semen and the identity of its producer were confirmed. Having positively linked 31-year-old Anthony Garcia to the spoogey yogurt, authorities are mulling whether to charge him at a state or federal level.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 10 Speaking of mulled charges, the week continues with a new milestone in the prosecution of the Catholic Church in the wake of the never-ending child-molesting-priest scandal, as Philadelphia district attorney Seth Williams announced the grand-jury indictment of Monsignor William Lynn, a former aide to Archbishop Cardinal Anthony Bevilacqua, who stands accused of endangering children by shielding pedophile priests. "It's believed to be the first time a high-ranking Catholic official has been accused of being criminally accountable for covering up priest abuse," reports the Philadelphia Daily News. Charged with two counts of endangering the welfare of a child, Monsignor Lynn faces up to 14 years in prison if convicted. As Barbara Dorris, outreach director of the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests, told PDN: "This news means that finally one of the hundreds of complicit Catholic officials who have hidden or are hiding clergy sex crimes might be brought to justice."
••Speaking of accusations: The week continues with another story involving Sunflower Farmers Market, previously mentioned as the site of the spermy yogurt assault, and today linked to something even worse, as the CEO of Sunflower Farmers Market—52-year-old Michael Gilliland—was arrested in a child-prostitution sting in Phoenix. "Gilliland was one of eight people arrested in the sting," reports CNN affiliate KNXV. "He is accused of soliciting sex online from a girl who identified herself as a minor." Gilliland has resigned as CEO of Sunflower Farmers Market.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 11 The week continues in Cairo, where today, after nearly three weeks of protests, Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak stepped down, handing over control of the country to the military and sending tens of thousands of freedom-seeking Egyptians into raptures in the streets.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 12 Nothing happened today, unless you count the hundreds of people who gathered in Westlake Park to call for murder charges against Officer Ian Birk in the slaying of John T. Williams, a relatively peaceful gathering that turned into a not-so-peaceful march to the Capitol Hill police precinct. "As the demonstration turned into a march, police said some protesters were throwing newspaper stands and sandwich boards onto the streets," reports KIRO. "Police said they saw one protester break the driver's-side window of a police cruiser with a claw hammer. Police were unable to apprehend the vandal and arrested two women for obstructing. The women, both in their 20s, were booked into the King County Jail."
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 13 Nothing happened today, unless you count the Grammys, featuring more humiliation for Christina Aguilera (who fell down onstage), more artsy flirtations with ridiculousness by Lady Gaga (who entered in an egg), and a thrilling upset triumph for Arcade Fire (who took album of the year).
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