@211 (EricaP), who wrote: Sociologist Elizabeth Armstrong has shown that women do not feel entitled to sexual pleasure in casual heterosexual encounters. They seem to be more focused on providing the male partner with pleasure.

Sufficiently many (about 50%) of the women I went to bed fit this pattern for me to agree it's very widespread; they were more concerned with what I wanted than with what they wanted, and were somewhat surprised that I wanted to know what they wanted rather than what I wanted. They reacted at first as if I wasn't supposed to ask, or as if I should guess, or... as if pleasing me were the point. Which to me has a slightly mood-killing, let's-just-get-done-with-it-shall-we-honey taste. To me that's a pity, since I frankly don't really enjoy it (not anymore than I enjoy masturbation) unless I can service her, too. Or else isn't it just like masturbation with porn? (Nothing against that; but if I'm with a real person, it's an opportunity for trying something I can't get by myself with porn.)

Do men ever take that upon themselves? I've rarely had a guy tell me what I should do to please him. Besides my husband, I think I've never heard the words "I wish you would..." (or their equivalents) come out of a guy's mouth.
I don't know much about other men -- since I'm not bi and I've never been in an MMF threesome, I've actually never seen a real, non-porn man other than myself having sex; but I certainly am able to tell what I like or don't like. The fact that I have a few kinks does make talking mandatory -- no talkin', no getting'. But even for more parochial things like blowjobs--some girls aren't that experienced (or hadn't met me before, choose the best alternative) and didn't really stimulate me well. In those occasions, I did go "OK honey, but can you perhaps do it like this and like this? It'll be so much better!..." or something like that.

If things go smoothly, there's no need for much talking. I would expect a man to at least say something if what he and his partner are doing isn't pleasant to him, though. Don't they usually? If you do something to a guy that he doesn't like, won't he at least tell you that?

I REALLY wish someone who had some computer skills would just set up a damn forum already.

@212, have you tried standing next to him while he flogs the bed, and encouraging him to hit harder and harder? If he gets used to the feeling without a person involved, he may be able to transfer that to your back. Similarly, when training a guy to squeeze nipples harder, it can help to talk it out with him pinching your arm harder and harder. Gives 'em a taste of what you're talking about, in a clear, non-sexual way.

@214 I did carve out an exception for kinky guys :-)

@210: This is just a specific example of the problem of muscle imbalance. For instance, if you work your upper body but not your lower body muscles, you can have knee problems. If you work your kegels extensively, but don't work any of the surrounding muscles, this can also cause problems. It's not that you shouldn't do kegels, it's that you should never intensively work only one muscle in isolation.

There's a few different muscles (the whole pelvic muscle group actually) that can squeeze the penis: kegels work the PC muscle which is one of them.

@217 So - squats and kegels? Are there others? Do I need to drag myself to a gym?

@11: BRAVO!!!! I could NOT have said it better myself!!!! You GO!!!

@31: Alas, Professor Santorum, who earned his teaching certification out of a Crackerjack box, demonstrates once again that he doesn't know squat.

@221 He's rubber, you're glue, what you say bounces off him and sticks to you.
Nyah nyah.

@218: I don't think you need to panic. A lot of women do kegels regularly and most don't have pelvic floor problems.

That said, doing squats, abs, and leg exercises and stretches will definitely complement kegels and make your sex life better, as well as improving your health, mood, stamina, and energy level. Everyone should be going to the gym regularly, though you can do stretches and exercises like squatting and planks at home without any equipment needed.

I “wildly disagree” that either prolapse or a loose vagina can be “fixed” with A&P repair. For over 100 years women have been subjected to these surgeries, which are fraught with risk and failure, because uninformed people like Herbenick promote them.

Neither kegels nor surgery will fix a loose vagina. Kegels are simply the wrong concept. The way to tighten a vagina is to stretch the pelvic floor to its full dimensions so the genital hiatus closes like a pair of elevator doors. This is accomplished by lifting the tailbone, which over time will realign fascial planes. These are postural problems that can be dramatically improved by changing the skeletal framework from which the vagina suspends.

It is the highly specialized connective tissue (fascia) surrounding the pelvic organs and vaginal walls that allow the organs and their channels to slide past one another as they perform their various functions. Anterior and posterior colporrhaphy dissect through the fascial layers so the bladder and front vaginal wall, and rectum and back vaginal wall, become fused. No longer can the organs move independently, but are obliged to move as one block. The urogynecologic literature states that women who have had prolapse surgery stand a 500% increased risk of onset of new symptoms. These are often far more severe than the original condition. And there is no further surgical “fix”. Women are frequently left devastated, in pain, and with serious defacatory dysfunction for the rest of their lives.

Ms. Herbenick is correct that the new vaginal rejuvenation surgeries are “quite similar” to A&P repairs. The failure rates are the same and the risks are the same. These operations should never be performed on women.

Christine Kent, Whole Woman, Inc.

I “wildly disagree” that either prolapse or a loose vagina can be “fixed” with A&P repair. For over 100 years women have been subjected to these surgeries, which are fraught with risk and failure, because uninformed people like Herbenick promote them.

Neither kegels nor surgery will fix a loose vagina. Kegels are simply the wrong concept. The way to tighten a vagina is to stretch the pelvic floor to its full dimensions so the genital hiatus closes like a pair of elevator doors. This is accomplished by lifting the tailbone, which over time will realign fascial planes. These are postural problems that can be dramatically improved by changing the skeletal framework from which the vagina suspends.

It is the highly specialized connective tissue (fascia) surrounding the pelvic organs and vaginal walls that allows the organs and their channels to slide past one another as they perform their various functions. Anterior and posterior colporrhaphy dissect through the fascial layers so the bladder and front vaginal wall, and rectum and back vaginal wall, become fused. No longer can the organs move independently, but are obliged to move as one block. The urogynecologic literature states that women who have had prolapse surgery stand a 500% increased risk of onset of new symptoms. These are often far more severe than the original condition. And there is no further surgical “fix”. Women are frequently left devastated, in pain, and with serious defacatory dysfunction for the rest of their lives.

Ms. Herbenick is correct that the new vaginal rejuvenation surgeries are “quite similar” to A&P repairs. The failure rates are the same and the risks are the same. These operations should never be performed on women.

Christine Kent, Whole Woman, Inc.

@225 - I have no knowledge about surgery for prolapse or loose vaginas. But I myself had a 2nd degree tear, which was stitched up incredibly badly (the swelling made the tissue hard to sort out at the time). The doctor I saw afterwards refused to treat my sexual dysfunction, except with a dilator. And I didn't know enough to insist.

When my second kid was born, I explained the situation ahead of time to the OB, and she was able (during the birth process) to unfold and fix what had been folded over and stitched the wrong way. (It helped that everything was calmer during the 2nd birth because I'd had an epidural.)

Bottom line: intercourse had sucked for me for three years between children, and then it was hugely better once the repair was made. That's a vote for some surgical repairs, though again, I have no opinion about surgery for prolapse.

@ 225, can you point to any other studies that agree with yours? It makes some sense, but I feel like I can't specifically trust the word of someone who sells DVDs on the subject. Could you point me towards some literature on the subject?

Forgiving - after severe 4th degree tearing and reconstructive surgery from a vaginal birth - (note to the younger women out there: When your OB offers an episiotomy and forceps because he is late for a c-section delivery? Refuse!)

Nothing ever goes back quite the same and nerve damage sucks. Luckily we finally tried anal sex and we much prefer it now. Even if you didn't enjoy it before, give it another try and you may discover it is actually better than vaginal intercourse for you both now.

You know, the way I found out about santorum was that I heard someone use it, and asked what it meant. They explained the "frothy mixture thing" and we all laughed. I thought perhaps this term had been in use all along, and I'd merely never heard of it. For all I knew, it could be a term from the middle ages.

Having a hobby interest in etymology, I eventually decided to look it up. And then when I discovered the origin of the word, I laughed, and laughed, and laughed.

Heck, even if you type in his whole name, the Wikipedia entry is still the second hit - and far above his own official site.

I hope you realize you've added a lot of joy to a lot of people's days. And hey! New word! How many people get to take credit for a true neologism? I'll bet this one will be in use for generations, long after the ex-senator is forgotten. Or is only remembered as "the guy whose name means..."