The Stranger is always at its saddest when it struggles to be topical. As opposed to the usual who-cares reviews of dead artistic forms such as plays and novels, the attempts by Stranger staffers to comment on current events provide an opportunity for readers to observe exactly how out-of-touch this band of sodomites and drug- addled degenerates is from the quote-real-world-unquote. Case in point: The desperate-to-be-"hep" politics blogger who dithers under the sobriquet GOLDY saddles up his desiccated liver and rides into the front page of last week's newspapers to deliver a story with the unfortunate headline "Could Washington Be the Next Wisconsin?"

Just as it is sad when a man on the mortal edge of middle age dons a toupee and tries to woo women who are younger than his own children, the aged Goldy's rhetorical flourishes as an attempt to attract young readers are embarrassing and transparent. He deploys every desperate angle to connect our attorney general, "Wildman" Rob McKenna, to Wisconsin's brave-hearted strike- busting governor, Scott Walker, but none of his points—save for the fact that both men happen to be Republicans—are salient or even relevant. This is the kind of journalism one would expect of a blogger frantically trying to prove to Stranger publisher Tim Keck that his meager paycheck is a necessary expense; this libelous assault is as sturdy as a sand castle built on top of a water bed, and it will remain in the memory of its readers just as long as this illustrative simile. One may venture to hope that Goldy is not long for this newspaper; his freneticism speaks volumes.

Speaking of irrelevancy, CHARLES MUDEDE shills for a "hip-hop" album that was no doubt recorded by his friends in the "hip-hop" community. I trust Mudede's thoughts on "urban" culture even less than I trust his blatherings on the aeons-dead Greek pedophiliacs (Aristotle, Sophocles, et al.) and Germanic moral monsters (Nietzsche, Kant) he claims to treasure so much. At least Søren Kierkegaard is unable to provide Mr. Mudede with $20 as a "kickback" for positive press.

THEATER: The good news is Mr. Kiley sits through an entire show. The bad news is it's a musical... BOOKS: A children's entertainment medium is having some sort of a convention in downtown Seattle this week, and The Stranger's books editor seems to believe this is noteworthy for some reason (this reason surely wouldn't have anything to do with the convention expending a good sum of money to advertise in this very publication, would it? Of course not, I am sure)... CHOW: Outgoing unpaid intern Rachel Eggers provides a levelheaded, unprofane review of a fine-sounding purveyor of baked goods. As the editors doubtless realize, she is too good for this trashy tabloid... FILM: What did we do to deserve two long pieces by Mr. Kiley this week?... SAVAGE LOVE: Is narcolepsy a "turn-on" with the kids today? If so, Dan Savage's parade of sexual aberrations must be popular in the dorm rooms of America for its potent sleep-inducing powers.