Columns Apr 6, 2011 at 4:00 am

Trans Panic


#101, right there with ya, Erica. I'll go down on a guy, easy, but I have to trust him to let him go down on me.
A girlfriend who likes to take naked pictures of herself? What a terrible fetish! next she'll be telling me she enjoys giving blowjobs and cooking me steaks! Oh the humanity!
@Frederica Bimble (#42): I think you're over-analysing. People can mean all sorts of things when they say 'relationship'. If I heard "I want a relationship" from someone I was on a first date with, I'd take it as "I'm a little drunk, I'm totally feeling this, we need to hang out together at LEAST a couple more times and see if this is going somewhere".

In this context, and assuming she's accurate when she says that she doesn't pass, I'd probably take it to mean "I'm not a tranny-chaser just after a quick hookup, I'm a genuine guy, so give me a chance, 'k?"
@101 EricaP

Yes and no and holy crap! there it is again @103. It seems contradictory to want the offer but think it's too personal to let it happen. Do you feel the same way? Is it too personal? This is a shocking development in my understanding of women.

Wanting to be offerred and to not have to ask --I get that. (and hypothetically...oh never mind)

If you *let* her blow you first?
SLUT, expect guys to freak out over your having nude photos of yourself easily accessible if you're in a closed relationship. It's a basic assumption they're easily accessible so you can flirt or cheat quickly. I don't find that sort of assumption to be wrong.

What I do find wrong is him threatening bodily harm and losing his shit completely. Somebody threatens you, and is serious, DUMP THEM and DONT GO BACK. Have a backbone!

Also, is the fetish that you have to take the photos? How about including your bf in this, and letting him know you have this fetish? Many guys would love it. Just a thought, and you get to keep your photos in the open.
I am 55 and still feel like a giddy 13 year old when I am on my way to see my girlfriend of over 6 months now.
If your instincts tell you a date is a creep, chances are he is a creep. Trust instinct when it rings warning bells. When it doesn't, try to engage your brain before lust takes it over.
Smelly Vag either has a serious problem or her eater/lover has not a clue. Vag's smell a whole lot of different ways from funky to sweaty to fishy to salivary inducing tang at the back of the tongue....but expired as in rotted fish? Not unless something is wrong!

I don't understand how you can be so intimate you are eating pussy while she moans in joy but you can't just ask her if there might be a problem. I have had plenty of girlfriends tell me to hit the showers before hitting them and even order me to the bathroom to "clean up with soap" before that long awaited blowjob. (I always used her roomates face towel to dry off).

The description described is probably pretty nasty and loverboy licker should first get himself checked out for the clap or other oral STD. It is NOT that hard to get an STD from eating pussy. The reason it is not so common is that most normal people get a whiff of crotch rot and they retract the tongue into their mouth. That said it is very, very obvious most of the time. I am not talking about a pussy that just doesn't taste "fresh." Sweaty balls is certainly not a reason to avoid teabagging so stanky pussy is a challenge and certainly no reason not to dive in. Hell, the ideal woman gets some pretty nasty taking spunk into he mouth so the very least to do is return the favor. However, as a general rule if it smells like rotted fish and makes your eyes water it is probably a good idea to get a medical opinion sooner, not later (and save the oral after about a week of antibiotics). But if it just tastes like nasty tang mixed with sweat and salty secretions then be a man and deal with it! Yummmy!!!!!

I usually reflexively support the man but SLUT's rendition of her ex-boyfriend is the essence of douchebag. Glad you saw the light!

As for our "Crying Game" tranny, she/he/it should go on the date, not wear underwear, and pull a Basic Instinct at the restaraunt. It sounds like his "relationship" comment was directed at the Trannyness and was tantamount to telling a prospective employer that you are interested in working for the company for the long hall- if things work out. Stop reading to much into everything a prospect says. He was probably more nervious than you so cut some slack- but by all means follow all the safety rules. Good Luck! You will know how well it works when you uncross your legs....
Longtime fan of DS and want to know whether he has ever covered these two topics:

1. Single Dads (or any Dads) rearing sexually healthy and responsible young women;

2. Sex trafficking: Dan has advised some readers to make use of the services of "economically priced, conveniently located sex workers." Not sure whether he has ever covered in this circumstance whether said worker is in the business of his/her own free will or is slave to some nefarious trafficker, pimp, etc.

Google searching for Dan's opinons on these two topics haven't turned up much.
@106 - I, like many women, had an early bad experience receiving oral. In my case, I was held down and assaulted. The guy, a good friend of mine, thought he was doing me a favor, giving me this great experience. In fact, it meant that I refused all offers of oral for the next ten years.

I have since come around... but I still think that as far as sex acts with strangers go, I feel most comfortable when I'm giving him a blow job (my clothes still on), then intercourse (or blow job without my clothes), then me pegging him, then him going down on me, and then him fucking my ass.

(Obviously, that doesn't account for all permutations, but it gives a sense of the vulnerability I feel when a person's face is near my crotch.
A. it reminds me of the original assault.
B. I worry about my odor/taste.
C. I worry about farting inadvertently.
D. I worry that I'm supposed to be headed towards orgasm, when that's not very likely to happen.

That's just me, and probably TMI, but you did ask.

To play devil's advocate, the conclusions that SLUT's boyfriend jumped to weren't necessarily anything ridiculously improbable.

1) Girlfriend keeps naked pictures of herself, but didn't see fit to tell boyfriend -- nor to involve him in the process, if he is to believe it is an ongoing fetish. Not such a huge leap from "she's doing something sexual that doesn't involve me and not telling me about it" to "She's hiding something."

2) Yes, cameras have timers, but people do take photos of each other, too. It's not a wholly unreasonable first reaction that somebody may have been behind the lens. (Especially if the framing and the facial expressions are any good. Self-timer shots are a bitch and a half to get right. Yeah, I'll bet she throws away most of them.)

3) Some people look at pix of themselves, but a whole lot of others share. Again, not a completely irrational conclusion to jump to. "To whom I was sending them" sounds like he thought she was still using them in the stereotypical fashion -- that is, maybe to cheat on him.

Now, he did any number of things really badly. a) Five seconds perusal of the file properties would tell him that the pictures predated him, in which case he has no call to be bent out of shape, even if there had been someone behind the camera.
b) not liking the fetish even after he supposedly accepted it as the alternate explanation.
c) Threatening her safety was a complete deal-breaker, and I hope she read him the Riot Act for that when she broke up with him.
I think creepy guy just wanted to make it clear that he wanted an actual relationship, not just sex, because a lot of guys are embarrassed to be attracted to trans-women and so aren't open to a relationship.
Many women are shy about receiving oral sex - my first gf made me wait quite a while, and I was dying to give it a go! It's about self consciousness and intimacy...My last gf (and I was still not that experienced with women at all) did have a funky taste which I did not enjoy at all - I did consider saying something but she was poly and had a long term partner plus another lover who both clearly did not think there was a problem, so I kept my mouth shut. We weren't together that long so it quickly became moot.

I agree that sometimes it IS about personal taste and compatibility - her taste had some awful checmical reaction with my taste buds and nose.

And no, not all women know when they have an issue - neither I nor my current bf knew that I had BV recently, and he is a regular and enthusiastic giver of head.
@KL (99)

So, we had a lengthy conversation about this wherein I provided full disclosure.

The nature of the relationship with the OW is entirely in the vein of "some things that were private for other reasons (i.e. a friend's secret that doesn't impact our relationship)".

My feelings of "inadvertently secretive" had to do with the way this came out: she read my email and said, "you're emailing this woman a lot - is there something you want to tell me". There was a very strong "gotcha" aspect to it. Sadly/pathetically, I think a lot of my reaction was to the j'accuse tone of the way this came out.

In discussing this with my GF, I explained that I had not talked a lot about it because much of the content of the conversations involved being relationship sounding boards for one another (OW and me). My GF has her own sounding boards (including a therapist and an EX) with whom she shares much of our private relationship. I don't ask who they all are or read her emails; she did disclose that she'd shut down the friendship with the EX eventually (though she did not tell me this).

I think, given that OW is in fact Another Woman, and that while I have no interest (and I made a big point of that with this particular friend when she disclosed her own relationship woes), she might, it's probably time to taper off this relationship.

Thanks to all for the feedback.
@113 EricaP
I'm so sorry that happened to you. For the life of me I can't imagine deciding on my own to hold someone down and do anything to them while thinking that I was doing them a favor.

Thank you very much for sharing such a personal experience. As you know I am well aware of what it's like to be sexually assaulted. I know how long that stays with you.

It never occurred to me that someone could do that to a woman. I understand your reluctance to receive oral as a result. But I get the sense that maybe your reasons B, C, and D are probably why others have some reluctance. I'll remember that.

For the record ladies lots of us men:

A. Don't assault women, we adore you and love the process of discovering what pleases you and then giving that to you.

B. Find your odor/taste to be intoxicating, so much so that as I mentioned above it hardly qualifies as sex without that experience of you.

C. Expect you to fart occasionally during sex. Everyone does it. We really don't care if you do.

D. Going down on you is supposed to feel good for you, not obligate you to perform an orgasm for us. Every lady's pussy is different and they don't all like the same stimulation. We get that. Please, please let us explore with you.

And seriously, EricaP? TMI? Look who you're talking to! :-)
@117 cvilletop: I just wanted to pop in and say I feel the same way you do about privacy issues. It drives me crazy when my husband tries to read emails over my shoulder, I lock the door when I use the bathroom, I would never, never open his mail, or emails, or scroll through his phone. He doesn't ever scroll through my phone, but one of his friends did once when we were all at dinner (apparently this guy's wife had gotten an email from an old friend, and he was hyper-paranoid), it was done as a "joke," but that sort of thing is so invasive, seriously, I shut my computer and say "stop reading my emails!" when he looks over my shoulder, so you can't say he's confused about it! As far as your "opposite sex sounding board" friend goes, I think we all know when things are heading in a direction they shouldn't, and also when (unwanted) interest is cropping up in either ourselves or the other party, and if we're wise, that's when we start "tapering off," as you say. Women tend to talk about that really personal stuff with their girlfriends, so if a woman is talking to you about it, yeah, that might indicate she's interested, or at least enjoying the male attention. But no, fwiw, I don't think there's anything wrong with the level of privacy you've said you like.
@118 You're a catch, jenesasquatch! Seriously, you have a really great attitude toward your partner. And yes, women (okay, some women) have been told for so many years by advertisers that we are stinky and in need of high-test cleaning products that I think we get a little self-conscious about it. In my opinion, anyway.
@120 Canuck
Aw shucks. Thank you.

"...have been told..."
Rise above.
I don't think that what the sandwich man said is necessarily a psycho line. Sounds more like an awkward well-intentioned line to me. Like.. he wanted to indicate that he didn't just want a one-night-stand with a tranny.. but no matter who you're trying to pick up, there's no standard acceptable way to express "I am not just trying to get into your pants, I would like to have conversations and get to know you and possibly, if mutually agreed upon, get into your pants on a regular basis" without sounding weird. Even though, most people will agree that that's a good thing.

I hope that you have a great date! Be careful, but try not to let paranoia destroy ya! :)
when my mom turned 78, at her party SHE gave ME one of those novelty birthday candles which read "39" and officially gave me permission to be that age until MY 78th. Just like Jack Benny. (And now you can guess how long I have been 39.)So Dan, "you go, girl!"
I am gonna add my vote in too, for another one of the girls who needs to be more comfortable with a man to have him go down on me than to fuck me. And I will also agree with EricaP, that fuck, a blowjob is only slightly more intimate then a handshake, lol! But a hell of a lot more fun. I will definitely want to be pretty comfortable with a man before I let him head south if I am to relax and enjoy it.

Ironically, THE only exception to the rule was a one night stand. If the man was a good kisser, and had a soft and gentle mouth....mainly it was *because* I really didn't give a shit too much, and we were both just in to maximize pleasure...hell, if he offered, and I thought he would be on! I mean, even if I didn't come, if he was not too rough, it still felt good! I would never have had the balls to ask though. like the other women mentioned...too much worry and insecurity built up over our "canned hams dropped from a great distance". Thanks Dan. Lol!
To 'meeting in public place and tell others your whereabouts,' add: 'show driver's licenses upon first meeting before anything else.'

Asking for his last name and home address is totally shady! He may also be trying to exercise a measure of safety... he is also on a first date with a stranger.
@117 - It would seem too bad to have to give up a friendship of long standing (and many friendships of that sort are really better for or more important to the participant than the outside relationship which precipitates the tapering off). But if you really are detecting possible interest, that's quite different. It would just be a shame if your girlfriend succeeded in guilting you into the tapering off with the, "I gave up MY OSSB!" line.
The first letter is sweet, I hope she goes for it and tells us how it went! Even if it doesn't work out with this particular guy, it will be good practice in dating and finding out which of her instincts to follow.
I do second (or third) the suggestion that she consider having a conversation about her gender status if it looks like they'll be getting naked, as a matter of her own safety. I'm not trans but my girlfriend and several other friends are, and their experience is some guys can respond badly and/or violently. And (not so) DUMB may be underestimating how well she passes.

Re the conversation about vaginal smell - it's totally possible to have BV and not know, unfortunately. Many women do not have the itchyness, and some do but don't realize why, and the smell, while distinct, is not always strong. (Thankfully it's also not particularly dangerous to have, unlike chlamydia or gonorrhea.) I think the letter writer would have been doing the woman a favor if he'd told her, but I can understand his hesitation. I'd have a hard time hearing that from a one-night stand - I'd be grateful later, but it probably wouldn't do much for the rest of the date.
Regarding stinky girl crotch: one more possibility is a forgotten, left in tampon, gone beyond the reach of girl hands and needing a GYN to be removed. While not an infection or medical condition (yet), those can get very stinky. Though embarrassing to see a GYN about, trust me, this happens to a lot of women at one time or another and yours will not be the first one they've seen. Leaving them unattended CAN potentially bring infection, so best to get it seen to asap. Once removed, revolting crotch stank is eliminated. So speak up boys & girls, if you smell something wrong downtown.
@118 - I think almost everyone thinks that they are a good person. I think many rapes happen because the guy thinks that this particular woman needs his touch/tongue/cock, whatever she says.

This particular assault started as tickling, then moved on to oral sex. Many people hold someone down to tickle them, and ignore cries of "Stop, Stop." I didn't like the tickling, but he ignored me then (and I was used to being tickled against my will, from my older brother). So when he continued to ignore my protestations to stop going down on me, it took a while for me to get loud enough and struggle enough to persuade him to stop.

It goes without saying that in my house, children are taught that no means no, and if a tickle-recipient wants the tickling to continue after all, they had better be prepared to say so.

@118 - also, good luck convincing women en masse to trust men en masse to give them positive oral sex experiences... For better or worse, each man I see is still going to have to demonstrate to me that he is open-minded, non-judgmental about farts/odor/lack-of-orgasms, and enthusiastic about giving oral. My life experiences (for me) trump your assurances (to me) about the GGGness of guys neither of us has met yet.
@131: I guess that's another one for the vive la difference file. I don't know a man who would refuse a first-date blow job. And the date is probably optional.

And this in spite of the vulnerability - all those teeth!
If a boyfriend/partner/parent, etc comes upon something by snooping, basically violating your privacy, then I consider that information to be obtained by illegal means. This couldn't be used against you in court and you shouldn't have to answer for it outside of court.

I think she already knew the answer but just needed to hear it from someone only slightly older but much wiser.
Just weighing in on the oral sex issue...I would gladly accept cunnilingus on a first date or one-nighter (but I wouldn't ask for it and probably wouldn't orgasm).

Conversely, blowjobs feel way personal to me and I won't go there until I know I like the guy. In addition to how intimate the act feels, it's also pretty problematic for me (insane gag reflex, a mouth so small I can barely fit the head of an average-size cock past my teeth) so I'm not doing it unless I know the guy is worth the jaw pain.

Oh, and EricaP, good for you on your strict no-means-no policy with your kids. I have a huge thing about being tickled, thanks to relatives who wouldn't stop even when I was screaming "no" and getting the dry heaves. A person's "no" should always be's weird how many people don't understand this.
@132 Seems reasonable to conclude that the average blowjob from a stranger is a lot more enjoyable than the average pussy-licking from a stranger.

@134 People learn many lessons from tickling and other games of dominance. I just want my kids to learn that their words and preferences are taken seriously in our house.

I know I'm late to the party, DUMB, but give this a shot! And please post back with how it went.

I've seen many pictures of transwomen who, while not passable as females, were still attractive from a fairly objective perspective. Perhaps the fact that their faces retained an innate maleness was what made them look sexy to me. I've never dated a transwoman myself, but I have been friends with several over the years. I would place myself one point away from the exact middle of the Kinsey scale (toward the heterosexual side) and androgyny is not unattractive to me.

Just another perspective!
@135: All depends on the stranger, I guess.
@131 EricaP

I'm not trying to convince you (or women en masse) to go about finding trust in a different way. You should follow your instincts and do what feels safe for you.
@138, Thanks - I was responding to this: "Please, please let us explore with you." I wish life were different, both for you and for women who feel vulnerable in bed.
@139 EricaP
Thank you.
@118 jenesasquatch I think I'm in love!

Sexiest thing a man ever said to me: 'Go wash'.
Could also be something less serious, like a yeast infection. Or even just that she took a quick shower and didn't get down there. Since shampoo, conditioner, body wash, soap, lotion, and deodorant are all scented, it can be easy to make it seem like you had a long, full shower, when really you just threw some shampoo on your head and ran soap over your torso. I speak as a college student who seems to constantly get the shower with no hot water....
@118 jenasasquatch : you sound just like my current partner. Yummy !

@135 EricaP : I'm so sorry you've been sexually abused too... How awful it is that most of the decent women I love reading on the net end up disclosing that they've been abused. Anyway, props to you for not letting that horrible experience get in the way of enjoying an active sex life !

@86 SLUT : by all means keep your naked pictures of yourself and dump any idiot who'll make an issue about it. It's your body, nobody has more right to take a picture of it than you, right ?

For those who say that naked pictures of oneself are "a sure sign that one is a cheater" : yeah, right. In my country, teenagers tell one another that a woman who enjoys sex and says so "is a sure sign that she's a cheater". All those "sure sign that female is a cheater" recipes are sentences made to oppress us women and to shame us into not having a total control over our own sexuality. Forget it !
Thanks for the encouragement.
I've either got nothing to add, or so much that I don't have the time to type it, but for what it's worth, I appreciate both EricaP's and jenesasquatch's comments tremendously, in part for their thoughtfulness, and in part for the courage and vulnerability they show by opening themselves up in this forum.

And cvilletop, I'm impressed that you responded to others' comments by having a discussion with your girlfriend, and by taking another look at your relationship with the OW and reconsidering it.

Kudos to you all.
(badgirl, Backyard Bombardier, perverse cowgirl also get my appreciation)
nocutename: thanks!

sissoucat: For those who say that naked pictures of oneself are "a sure sign that one is a cheater" : yeah, right.

Yeah, that's so stupid. I've taken naked pics of myself, too...not to masturbate to, but to see how I looked from different angles, see how I stacked up to actual pinup girls and porn stars, etc. Trying to see my body the way a man might.

Some of these pictures turned out horribly, but some didn't, and I kept those good ones so I could occasionally look at them and remind myself that (from certain angles, at least) I'm totally hot. :D

I do not, and will not, send these pictures to anyone else. It's my personal rule never to give any guy a blatantly sexy picture where I'm identifiable (so, nothing with my face or tattoos in it) and I'd rather tempt a guy with something more subtle, anyway. Even my boyfriend doesn't have my naked pics on his hard drive - I've shown some to him on my computer but that's it.

All those "sure sign that female is a cheater" recipes are sentences made to oppress us women and to shame us into not having a total control over our own sexuality.

BINGO. The only "sure sign" that anyone is a cheater is...that they're fucking someone else. :D
@148 perversecowgirl : thanks for the comment and for the laugh at the end ! You go, girl !
Thanks for the support sissoucat & nocutename. I agree with perversecowgirl@148 (and have the same policy re photos & identifiability), but I would amend the end line to "...that they're fucking someone else and lying about it."

@147 nocutename
Thanks for the compliment. I for one would like to see what you type even if it's long. I see you here quite a bit and always look for your comments (and the others you mentioned).

EricaP is much more courageous than I am. After 34 years I'm still not going to talk details about my assault even when I feel anonymous. I've told a therapist about it but even that was almost impossible for me.

EricaP you are my hero!
awww, nocutename, thanks!

And perversecowgirl, lol, the more I read from you, the more I think I would like to go have a beer with you! I do the same think, just to see what angles suit me best, and what outfits I look sexiest in. Except for one thing, I DO send mine out to a select few guys I know will be appreciative, lol! I lost a shit-ton of weight as an adult, and guess my old fragile ego likes the positive feedback. Although pics of me don't sexually arouse myself, I like the idea of them arousing others. Nothing hotter then providing stroke material for certain gentleman I am aquainted with! *grin* The guys would get in more trouble for having them then I would for taking them though, so I feel safe via their paranoia, lol!! ;)
Hi Dan, Love your article, I liked your response for VOICE in your apr 7 colunm, I just wanted to pass along a system that served me well in my gash gourging days, always probe aroused pussy digitally first, nonchalantly smell your fingers when your partner is not aware, thus after analysing aromas on fingers you can decided wheteher or not to dive downtown, If your partner persist, non verbally place tainted finger under her nose, she should recognize her own aroma and understand your hesitation. This has worked for me on several occasions and is a great non verbal approach that should lead to those hot erotic showers , keep up the good work Dan, you are a saint!
@151 - thanks for the nice compliment, but I think it just shows that not all non-consensual sex belongs in one box. I mean, it was unpleasant enough to turn me off cunnilingus for ten years, but at the time I was mostly upset that my best friend (his girlfriend) blamed me for the incident. I've been (sorta) assaulted this year, too, in the sense of guys going for anal when I said they couldn't. But an insult from a colleague stings a lot more... Life is pain, as Wesley says. When I get hurt, I tell myself that I choose to run certain risks to live the life I want. Mostly things go fine, and I've learned I can cope even when life throws me something awful. That sounds jinxy, whoops -- knock on wood.
Why do you lie about your age, Dan when it's public info? Pretty stupid of you.

I just looked it up: you were born Oct. 7, 1964 which makes you 46.

Why would you lie about your age, Dan when it's public info? Makes you look stupid, not to mention like a man with little integrity. Ouch!

You owe your readers an apology, big time. Real men don't lie, so grow some.
Real men figure out if they have already posted before they screw up and post almost the same words again.
Just an opinion, but my guess is that the sort of person who would get violent about finding out that their date is trans, is also the same sort of person who would feel severely set-up, if it took several dates and escalating emotions before the big reveal. In other words, waiting is likely to backfire when it's one of these dangerous types, even if the talk happens well before the clothes come off.

I say reveal early and often. Even if you aren't talking violence, if they are going to dump you when they find out, the sooner that happens the better, for all concerned. You will waste less time exploring potential relationships that are fundamentally doomed, and by the same token they are less likely to feel misled by you. Better to weed through the hopeless cases quickly. And hey, by revealing early you might even find someone who is actively looking for what you have to offer. (Which, to me, is what it sounds like sandwich-maker-guy meant, however awkwardly it came out. Best of luck there!)
I'm a thirty-year old straight guy, and I date other (mostly) straight women. In the past year, i've done a lot of dating. It made my heart feel sad that DUMB wanted to get rid of her giddy-inner-13-year-old. I wish I still felt that way about having a relationship! Hold on to it as long as you can!
Almost 10 years too, Dan.

What a joke! If you think being trans has nothing to do with it then maybe you got a little confused on your "worldly journeys".

As a trans person who is only attracted to trans people, I can tell you FROM EXPERIENCE that it is extremely difficult to find one of the few people who falls into your field of love vision, and that's before you even start the compatibility/are they into me game. Combine that with American views on transfolk(I challenge you to find one source of media in which we are not streetwalkers or comic relief), and the stigma around being trans becomes very obvious! Parents don't teach their kids to date trans people like they do cisgender people, there's no memo sent out on this stuff, so people will say weird things.

Honestly, you sound like you're channeling a lot of angst towards men in general.
Sorry, I can't say I'm much help for your questions, but considering you're a Seattle icon, mentioning that you thought he may be a weirdo in your very popular forum, maybe extremely hurtful and damaging to the target who most likely read it. Your work here is overall great but even weirdos deserve empathy.

I actually love and are fascinated with weirdos.
I say reveal [being trans] early and often. Even if you aren't talking violence, if they are going to dump you when they find out, the sooner that happens the better, for all concerned.

I see what you're saying, avast2006, but again: for many trans people their status is a secret - and who wants a bunch of people you barely know being privy to your secrets?

Like, let's say your penis got cut off in a freak accident and surgeons couldn't save it (you are a dude, aren't you? I think you've indicated this in other comments). When would you tell people? Would you ask someone out and tag the invite with " the way, I don't have a penis. Just so you know."

And then, let's say the person you asked out was disgusted by the idea that your genitals didn't match your gender presentation and turned you down...and then told all his or her friends "Yeah, see that guy? HE HAS NO DICK" and everyone gawked and snickered whenever they saw you.

Now, if you hadn't disclosed your missing penis upfront (as it were :P), that person might have accepted your invitation and maybe you'd end up getting a bit serious and there'd be an awkward reveal later on. Or, maybe you'd end up having one date that was so boring you'd never want to see each other again, and you'd go your separate ways without this person having personal information to use against you.

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with telling this stuff right away; it just seems like waiting would ultimately save a trans person a whole lot of problems. The "big reveal" will be awkward no matter when it's done; if you wait a bit, a lot of dates won't even end up working out and the reveal won't need to be made at all. Or maybe I'm just near-impossible to get along with and everyone else on the planet has fallen into a lifelong relationship with the first or second person they ever dated. All I know is I've been on dozens of totally "meh" first dates and I'm glad I didn't bring up a bunch of intimate shit to those people. :P

And hey, by revealing early you might even find someone who is actively looking for what you have to offer.

It's a complicated thing...on one hand, if you're a chick with a penis and you want to be in a relationship, you do kind of have to find someone who's okay with a chick who has a penis.

The thing is, for many (but not all; I don't want to stereotype here) transwomen, their penis is the bane of their existence - the source of much emotional anguish and body dysmorphia and the thing keeping society from seeing them as "real" women. You can probably see why someone like this shouldn't date someone who specifically wants a woman with a dick...they're attracted to the thing she literally wants to cut off.

So it's not always as simple as finding someone who "likes what you have to offer"...more like finding someone who accepts what you have to offer but would be fine if you ultimately got it surgically removed. :P
re: 166 - unless someone is in the entertainment industry and has a huge budget to pay for the technology, their biological gender is NOT a secret. i spent a few years socializing in that community, and i think i saw one person who was passable.

anecdotally, it seemed to me (disclaimer!) that many transgendered seem offended when someone is attracted to the transgendered. sadly. because those would be the people who want to date them.
With regards to SLUT and the smelly vag.....I may be a prude but I can't help but think why in the heck would want to going down on a girl the first night you met her? It was a one night knew nothing about her, where she has been, etc... I hope you at least had the common sense to use a condom.

BTW, in the future, use the finger test before heading south of the border. I guess you can also call this the scratch and sbiff test...but the put is to smell your fingers before you even think about heading south. By doing this you can manage her expectations, can't blame a girl for thinking she is going to get some oral stimulation if you spend the time bringing your head down there :-)
...i spent a few years socializing in [the trans] community, and i think i saw one person who was passable.

Funny, I hang out in those circles, too, and I know plenty of trans folk who could (and do) pass without question. Not to mention, neither of us have any idea how many trans people we see in the street every day who are passing perfectly...because, duh, if they pass then we don't know they're trans.

Not every male-bodied person who wants to transition is 6'3" with linebacker shoulders, you know...and not every female-bodied person who wants to transition is tiny and elfin with an hourglass figure. There's a lot of variance within what we think of as "male" and what we think of as "female" .

Hell, my boyfriend and I have gotten catcalled as "lesbians" when we've kissed or held hands on the street - and he wasn't even crossdressed at the time.
p.s. Circe - I'm Canadian, and over here we don't pay for medical care...which includes hormone therapy for trans people. Gender reassignment surgery didn't used to be covered under our health care but this has recently changed.

So if you're Canadian and transitioning, I don't think there's much "expensive technology" to pay for. Electrolysis can be done in a bunch of small, affordable batches. Binders cost maybe $30. Packers start at $20. The big stuff is covered. Perhaps this is why I've known a lot of fully passable trans folk and you haven't.
@166: I can see my way clear to agreeing with that. If you are at the end of a first date and it's pretty obvious that a second date isn't in the cards, there is no point in revealing your status to someone that you are never going to see again.

That said, people will be justified in feeling that you've been leading them on if you go on several dates and let them start developing feelings for you before you tell them about your reassignment. If you don't want to tell proactively, it is your responsibility to watch like a hawk for signs that being trans is a deal-breaker, and either talk or walk as soon as it's clear that it's an issue. Letting them continue to get in deeper without full disclosure is lying. It's not fundamentally different than failing to disclose that you are married.
My concept of attractive is not mainstream. While it may be a flag for someone to tell you are beautiful when you are not mainstream beautiful, don't rule out sincerity completely! My most favorite looking people in the whole world will not ever win a beauty contest.
I live in Canada and have a friend who wants GRS, but can't afford it. Health care is not the same in every province.
Honestly? I'm going to probably have a lot of women disagree with me but I am just not into (receiving) oral. It's like watching someone hammer a nail with a screwdriver when the hammer is RIGHT THERE.
mydriasis, I will agree with you on that any day of the week.
thanks, perversecowgirl, for pointing out a possible reason for our experiences not being identical (instead of just telling me i'm nuts :D)

my tg ex is, in fact 6'3", though lithe and willowy with a pretty face. he's beautiful, but not passable. he was shocked when he realized that i was attracted to him as he really was, and not because i percieved him as a woman. it is really difficult for people to reconcile how they feel about themselves and how others perceive them!
The "One-Minute Podcast" rocks! Just finished listening to it, and I heartily endorse your reviving the format again as soon and as often as is feasible.
"4. I have no idea. I'm almost 10 years older than you and I'm still battling my inner/giddy 13-year-old."

This is 100% my issue now and that is not what I need to hear! <3 you though.
my tg ex is, in fact 6'3", though lithe and willowy with a pretty face. he's beautiful, but not passable. he was shocked when he realized that i was attracted to him as he really was, and not because i percieved him as a woman.

I am all about androgyny. Your ex sounds hot. :D
175 and 176,

I'm not that into receiving oral either. I'll do it for the sake of mixing things up and because my husband likes giving oral, but there's a lot of other stuff I'd rather be doing. I guess for many women, oral is the only way they can have an orgasm. Not me.
While telling a chick she smells rank "down there" may be responsible thing to do, it's certainly going to be the end of that sexual encounter. For a one night stand, it just isn't going to happen. VOICE did what 99% of horny others would do in the same situation.
"Your ex sounds hot. :D "

totally! the sex was great. it was that pesky "living on the same planet" thing :D
I really want to hear from DUMB, too.

It sounds pretty obvious that sandwich boy knows he'd asked out a T-girl, given that she said she really isn't passable.

If that first phone call hasn't happened yet she could break the ice on the phone. Ask "Have you dated anyone like me before?" and see what he says. If he says "Well, no, I've only really only met one or two, uh, ladies like yourself but I'm kind of shy and was kind of confused by my attraction at first..." you could gather he's aware you're trans: however if he says something clueless like "No, we're really not supposed to ask out customers." or "Yeah my last girlfriend was in college, too." then you can decide from there.

Oh and regarding SLUT, its a generational thing- people who got the Internet in high school or younger just are "wired" differently... I married someone just on the other side of this fence and realized some key differences; we are more accepting of changing social plans last-minute thanks to texting, and are immersed in a culture where we take pictures of ourselves a lot, moreso if you're hot. For you elders who think SLUT's behavior is odd or suspect, imagine having grown up with a magic bottomless box of Poloroid film. Unsupervised.

And Dan was obviously just being cute about his "age." Lighten up, everyone.
It amazes me how many people say they "ended up" having sex with someone. It reeks of distancing, of absolving themselves of responsibility, of making whatever happens not their "fault". After all, it's not like they seduced someone, came to some (at least implied) agreement that sex would be A Nice Thing to share, and deliberately removed their clothing and engaged in sex. They just "ended up" having sex, like those old comics in girlie magazines where someone trips and "ends up" in the middle of a sexual encounter.

There are myriad other ways this manifests, from the (US cultural, I can't speak for other places) belief that sex is something that men "do" to their partners (i.e. "he fucked me", not "we had sex") to hearing "I slept with him but it's not my fault, I was drunk" from the same person week after week after week.

I really wish our society would grow up past the 13-year-old stage when it comes to sex. I think communication is the most important part of ANY relationship, not just sexual ones. Nobody is doing anyone a favor, or, indeed, fooling anyone with these abstractions.
I'm a photographer, (gay cross-dressing...slightly tranny type) and i've taking hundreds of photos of myself. and Since i'm an expert at taking photos, I usually get the same reaction from guys i show them too..."whoa...WHO took those photos?" I DID!!!

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