Columns Jun 1, 2011 at 4:00 am

Someone Has to Run the Fuck


there is a saying good leaders follow... I would have to say, wether I'm fucking the shit out of my partner... or snuggling, or whatever... I'm mostly paying attention to her and "us"... rarely do I focus on 'me'... in that sense.. I feel its not who leads or follows... we are both in this thing together... now, of course.... at certain points... in some sort of way, there is definite leading and following... but the greatest mutually mind-blowing situations for me are aways about "us".
@1 - You've abused the privilege of ellipses. No more ellipses for you.
@2 - probably best deny him parentheses too
Ok, this is the first Matisse column I don't really relate to. Not to say I haven't run the fuck myself plenty of times (and maybe had it run on me once or twice), but I haven't found that a good screw is solely contingent on someone taking charge, as it were. In fact, for the majority of the sex I have had, I couldn't really tell you who "led" overall. Interesting.
I find this really insightful and helpful, actually. The simile to dancing is good ... a skilled couple develop a satisfying style all their own. Or new partners feel secure within the framework. And "leading" doesn't mean imposition or dominance, rather the leader is the giving, empowering one.
A great thing I read in some FetLife forum . . . "I'm a kinky person. Therefore, whatever kind of sex I'm having, it's kinky sex."

And I do agree about "running the fuck." My former partner and I were both majorly switchy, and often switched in mid scene--and I think that was true for sex as well. Even in a fairly vanilla scenario, the lead would switch back and forth. And one thing we always joked about . . . in our swing-dance class, the instructor used to always say, "Every error is the lead's fault." I don't really agree, but it's still funny.
I'd give #1 full elipsis rights back if I was convinced their use (in this case) signified utterances between thrusts.
For some unknown reason this column reminded me of my days in the Army, during which a superior officer stumbled into one of our typical breakdowns of organization and screamed at the top of his lungs "WHO'S IN CHARGE OF THIS GOAT-
FUCK?!" I think that MM missed her true calling by not enlisting.
LOve MM's description of "Running the Fuck".
I love this column. I miss those days when the "lead" role could change depending upon needs. Now I am always R.T.F. but ONLY when Miss N is ready and ONLY in the exact certain way etc. etc. The "Fred and Ginger" simile is likewise excellent
I have learned a basic premise of how to make sex hot for me, which I can convey in one slightly vulgar statement: Someone has to run the fuck. . . . Good sex is like partner dancing: There must be someone who leads, and there must be someone who follows.

There must be someone who leads and there must be someone who follows...for you to have good sex. What is true for you doesn't hold true for everyone else. This may be what you're saying since in the first part you do write that someone has to run the fuck to make the sex hot "for me." But when you go on to compare it to partner dancing and write that "there must be someone who leads, and there must be someone who follows", it sure seems like you're claiming that what gets you hot must have to happen for everyone else to get hot.
it sure seems like you're claiming that what gets you hot must have to happen for everyone else to get hot.

It tends to confuse me whenever I see someone calling out MM for the fact that her experience doesn't apply to everyone. Perhaps MM doesn't bother to specify that her opinion isn't meant to be universal because that's the very nature of the kind of blogging she does. It's done from the author's specific point-of-view, and based on her subjective experiences, and I think she tends to count on her readership to know that and assume that she knows it as well. Maybe that's a mistake...

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