Columns Jul 13, 2011 at 4:00 am

Daddy Issues


While I can understand why some people may not like regularly reading about a particular person's life story on here, from reading a ways back, it seems that a lot of the regulars seem to have helped each other through things and are keeping each other updated on the changes to their situations.

@210 I don't know that EricaP is "willing to do anything" or "desperate". I think that when you know what you want, you're willing to reevaluate what you thought were hard rules. I've had to do a lot of reevalution myself lately, and realized that things I thought I couldn't deal with I could, because the thought of what would happen otherwise was the worse of the two.

Sidenote to EricaP: Thanks for the advice, things actually seem to have fixed themselves miraculously.
211: Totally irrelevant to the current discussion, but since you are into physical imperfections, care to share your own?
Are you fat? Do you have an atrophied penus?
@204 I got so sick of it, I've been gone for about a month. I thought 198 was a clear, polite, thoughtful post and her response to it was just dismissive.
@215: Thanks; I was trying to be clear, polite, respectful, and thoughtful. While I may not be one of her adorning fans, I have always been respectful and supportive of Erica, and though I've been getting weary of seeing her co-opt the comment thread time and again with her own marital problems, I would never have said anything to her were it not for her post @197, wherein she said, "@Fans & Haters, Sorry, I'm not taking this show to a blog or book. Posting here is therapy for me, and something I hope to outgrow."

That's what I decided to address--the fact that people are growing irritated, and she's aware of the fact, but refuses to find a more appropriate outlet or forum and recognizes that she's using this somewhat unwilling audience as a group therapy session. (In a sense, her actions are analogous to her husband's when he told her that he had been having sex with other women and that he was going to continue to do so and her options were to accept it or leave.)

Her response to me was so bitchy and reeked of so much entitlement that it lost her whatever sympathy I've had up to this point. I would never express myself as he does, but I find myself in agreement with Hunter 78 now where EricaP is concerned.

Here's the thing: we Slog readers aren't wives who love our husbands so much that we'll accept a bully's unilateral terms as she has her husband's. People are saying (you are one of them) that her dominance of this comment thread for her own purposes is driving them away. I would have thought that someone especially in her position would be particularly sensitive to this type of bullying.
@204, 205, 207, 210, 211, 212, 215: I'm here to say "opening up a monogamous marriage" is hard, and here's the play-by-play to illustrate my point. There are plenty of people who are interested in my posts. Why does my presence makes Slog intolerable for you? Am I bringing up painful issues for you? Why don't you just skip my posts and those about me? "Oh, it's an Erica-related post, guess I won't read it." Why is that so hard?
@216 - I'm bullying you into reading my posts? The people telling me to shut up are not bullies? I'm the bully? Got it.
arrgh: should be "adoring fans" in the second sentence of the first paragraph.
@EricaP, A question is not the same as an allegation. I meant to ask a question, but I did in fact make an allegation. Either way, it was rude of me and frankly, it was none of my damn business. I'm sorry. My behavior was inappropriate and not usually like me, and I owe you that apology.

That being said, cut the BS @217 that I in any way shape or form have made it hard to open about your open marriage. I've made no judgments about your marriage or your sex life. What I've made judgments and arguments about is the nonstop discussion of and reports about your marriage and sex life, regardless if it has anything to do with the column. Look back at my comments; you'll find no comments about your decision to open up your marriage, only your decision to endless bring it up. The only inappropriate comment I've made, I've apologized for. Because it was wrong, and I was wrong.
@204, 205, 207, 210, 211, 212, 215: I'm here to say "opening up a monogamous marriage" is hard, and here's the play-by-play to illustrate my point. There are plenty of people who are interested in my posts. Why does my presence makes Slog intolerable for you? Am I bringing up painful issues for you? Why don't you just skip my posts and those about me? "Oh, it's an Erica-related post, guess I won't read it." Why is that so hard?

EricaP, I usually read Dan in print, not online. As a result, I'd never heard of you until this thread. I was sympathetic to you until your crack (pun intended) about how life ain't fair on the Internet.

That goes for you too. There aren't any uncomfortable issues coming from you. I figure you're a laughable and kinda pathetic hosebag, but aren't they all? I wish you'd post your picture. I want to see how much you weigh.
@Leeny, like I say I don't have a clue about EricaP, but my instincts tell me that she is not a woman to be apologized to.


Between work, school, studying, sleeping, eating, showering, grooming, cooking, grocery shopping and transit time I generally have... two or three social time blocks per week. Usually about two of those go to the s/o and the other one (if I have it) goes to seeing friends. Why would I want to put someone else in the picture? It would just mean less time with the guy I actually want to fuck.
@222, @223, Thanks, Jake, but this time, I call shithead on my own behavior. She deserves the apology I offered. However, I'm done with the discussion. As EricaP as already stated, she doesn't care what anyone else feels or thinks, this is her therapy. I suspect she enjoys the continued argument about the subject. Less attention from hubby=more attention seeking elsewhere. Like a child, she doesn't care if it's positive or negative attention. So, I'm done. Done with the argument, and at least for awhile, done with the Savage Love column. I need a break.
@221/225 - sorry you feel driven off. Thanks for the (unnecessary) apology. I've no idea what you mean with this line @225: "cut the BS @217 that I in any way shape or form have made it hard to open about your open marriage. I've made no judgments about your marriage or your sex life."

When did I ever say you did?
Oh! When I said "here's the play-by-play," you thought I meant, here, today, on Slog, we see the play-by-play of why it's hard to open my marriage. So sorry for that miscommunication.

@217, I meant:
>> I'm here on Slog to say "opening up a monogamous marriage is hard, and here are the ongoing stories from my life to illustrate my point">>

Does that make it more clear?
@217 "I'm here to say "opening up a monogamous marriage" is hard, and here's the play-by-play to illustrate my point."

What makes your situation hard isn't common to open marriages. Your marriage was opened up in the worst possible way. Also, you shouldn't be in a open marriage. It clearly causes you mass amounts of undue stress. And I say that making the assumption that you (please let it be true) are being hyperbolic when you write "panic attack".

"There are plenty of people who are interested in my posts. "


"Why does my presence makes Slog intolerable for you? Am I bringing up painful issues for you?"

Sort of.

I am in a monogamous relationship because I would fall apart in an open one. I'm too insecure and needy. I get that there totally are people who can do it, there are people happier in open relationships than who are in closed ones. I'm sort of in awe of people like that.

I'm not one of them. Neither are you. So, reading your posts is like watching somebody jam an ice pick into her eyeball while explaining that she's ultimately her happiest overall as long as she keeps jamming this ice pick into her eyeball.

"Why don't you just skip my posts and those about me? "Oh, it's an Erica-related post, guess I won't read it." Why is that so hard?"

You obviously have a very high I.Q. and your strength is verbal. And I think this is your addiction, to post and intellectualize about the thing that is causing you pain. That's how you ameliorate your distress, by getting in your head about it.

So you do it a great deal. You've come to rely on it, I think. The only time you are ever a shitty person is when somebody tries to tell you you post too much. You get defensive like an addict.

Think about that. Jake only knows you really from how you responded to that criticism. He seems to really dislike you. People normally like you a lot. What does that tell you? That's how defensive you get about it.

So, I believe that, on some level, you understand how much you post and why that would make you hard to avoid. But, no, it's not a case of saying, "Oh, it's an Erica related post, I'll skip it." Often, it's more of, "Oh, it's not an Erica post, cool!" or "Wow, if I had gotten here in the first few hours, there was a whole non-Erica conversation that happened before Erica showed up," and that quickly becomes, "Why do I even read these comment threads?"

the joke is - you'd probably make a decent therapist. Erica would be better off if she had one, IMHO.

anyway I really enjoyed your post.
@228 my life has its ups and downs, but it's not like jamming an ice pick in my eye. Junior high was like that, and childbirth. But thanks for the reminder to post more about the joys of my life! Sorry -- I was just teasing. I'll be good. No more well-meaning interventions, please!
Only non-well-meaning ones??
Just to be clear, my above comment was not meant to be snark. My personal penchant for therapy rivals that of Woody Allen.
EricaP, besides being fat and having a prolapsed uterus, do you have stretch marks around your mouth? Carpal tunnel in one or both of your hands from jacking off all those dudes? How's your gag reflex? Just askin' because we know that the Internet just ain't fair.
@228: I'm too insecure and needy for monogamy.

You don't have to be in awe of people who prefer or can handle non-monogamous relationships: we're not necessarily any better or more stable than you.

That's sort of like straight people being in awe of gay people. I mean, I don't intuitively get how it's possible to be turned on by a cock and not by a pussy. Or how it's possible to be turned on by the same genitals you already have and not by different ones. But I know everyone's wired differently.
@233, yes, and some people are bi. Similarly, I can go either way on the monogamous/non-monogamous scale. My sexuality is defined by my submission; control over my husband's sexuality is the last thing I want.

I just don't see why the SL community was happy to tell that poor woman it was her duty to sit on her dying husband's face... and yet people think I'm abused because I'm trying to come to terms with my husband's sexual needs. He's sweet, funny, a good provider, a dominant who gets my need to serve, hot stuff in the sack. If he had become impotent, that wouldn't be my first choice of lifestyle, but I'd deal with it. Instead he became eager to have sex with others. It's not easy for me, but I'm dealing with it. I think those of you who think I should walk away from a great marriage just because it got harder this year don't know much about me, and don't know much about decades-long marriage.
@234: Plus he lets you get with more dominant guys than him when you need it, which is a big deal... kind of the female equivalent of a guy wanting to have sex with girls younger and skinnier than his SO.
To the guy w a possibly gay younger brother. First, Dan, once more, the wisdom was flowing. About the incestuous fantasies. Freud taught us to take this literally, and Jung taught us to look at it symbolically. This young guy's fantasy may be about wanting to stay in childhood. Or it may be that he can't think of any other way to be really close to his dad. Like a lot of other people, he may just tend to sexualize relationships.
Or, #236, maybe his dad is hot.
@234: I've been married longer than you, so cut the bull about not knowing about decades long marriage.
You have repeatedly stated that you are worried he will get more attached to his girlfriend, he will leave you, etc. You are insecure about his committment to you and apparently he is not doing his job in alleviating these fears. This is NOT part of the normal D/s relationship, this is him just being a sucky, self centered spouse. He is not being there for you in very very important ways. Great marriages don't make a person worry about their spouse leaving. Sheesh

Erica, read Wednesday's SLOTD. If you are GGG yet uncomfortable with your spouse fucking around, you should be able to put the cabosh on his fucking around.

What? He said he would fuck around anyway, with or without your permission? He's a CPOS, NOT a great guy.

@235 outside the marriage I'm mostly getting dommed by a transwoman and her "pet", actually.

@238 Read "Opening up" and tell me that people who open their marriages don't experience jealousy and anxiety. My fears aren't rational, they just are. And I'm working through them.
@239 - He's not cheating since I know what he's doing. He's in charge of our relationship, which is how we like it. Not everything has to be comfortable and easy in order to be positive and good in the long run.
um, I am just a lurker but did none of you guys catch the missions trip comment? Regular families do not have brothers on long term missions trips. This family is very religious and I would bet a million dollars that being gay is just as twisted to this poor kid as incest fantasies. This sounds just like the target audience for the It Gets Better videos. This kid is dealing with some issues and his mother deliberately sent his accepting older brother to find his stash. As a mom, I know that last thing my son wants to deal with is that I know where his porn is (and yes I do). She is trying to get her kid some help so just telling the poor confused brother to hide his stash better is NOT the solution.
I thought your advise to CAS was right on point. His crush on his father is perfectly normal and he will get over it -- no need to dwell on it.

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