Columns Sep 14, 2011 at 4:00 am

Earlabia

Comments

103
That doesn't sound at all like something Bitch Pudding would say.
104
condoms should be worn with probing to prevent STD's
106
Ms Hopkins - Thank you for post 54. I've wondered lately whether considering myself overweight when my waistline is on the higher end of its fluctuations (it goes up and down between the extremes of a 2-inch range) is a Bad Thing. At least I generally don't do too badly about restriction the application to myself.
107
@88, thank you.

Avast, thank you for also nuancing your sentiments better, I apologize for my language. I wasn't trying to "make things up", it's not very clear from your original posts what your household composition is. I don't do extensive background checks on other slog posters, because...that would be uber-creepy.

I'll admit I was projecting a bit.
I'm glad you're a thoughtful husband and parent. The world need more of those.

I think it would be better to leave it gender-neutral at: "don't want to be a parent? don't have sex." Throw in either gender and it's loaded. And honestly, looking at the very recent history of humankind, it was less than two generations ago that women and their wombs WERE viewed as their men's property (whether that meant her father's to marry off or her husband's to use and abuse), it was still not within her prerogative to determine her own reproductive fate. That's why this is still a touchy subject. Girls today may not realize how tenuous this change is, and in fact it is under attack politically. Current events!

But yes, hurry up and invent an artificial womb, for the sake of those daddies that want the baby without the mama. Then we can REALLY argue about child support.
108
p.s. the vasectomy failure rate is 1 in 2000 to 1 in 4000, depending on method used.
http://www.vasectomy-information.com/art…

p.p.s. unless the asshole lied about it in the first place.
109
HEY EVERYONE. Did you know that a woman is only fertile one, maybe two days out of her whole cycle? I hate everyone yelling "OMG SEX ALWAYS MAKES BABIES IF YOU DON'T HAVE CONDOMS!" You SHOULD use protection, yes. But it's silly to pretend every sex act every day could cause pregnancy.
110
@97 My understanding is that uncut penises are more sensitive than cut penises. What you describe in your admittedly charming post would never get my cut penis to orgasm.

I require pretty steady rhythmic motions in and out of the mouth along with somewhat strong pressure from the tongue and roof of the mouth. That motion is generally provided by my wife's head moving up and down, but to the extent she can accommodate my thrusting, that is very nice as well.

I have personally never found eating pussy to be difficult. All it really requires is basic knowledge of what the clitoris likes and a willingness to observe the woman to see what she likes.

I have never sucked cock, but what my wife goes through seems to me to be more challenging that what I do. There is a danger in eating pussy of tongue exhaustion, but a moistened thumb can pretty well take over in that case. Pacing oneself, and only applying the strongest pressure right before and during orgasm goes a long way to not wearing out.
111
NCWTD, it may have been said before, but no man who is against a woman's right to choose deserves a blowjob. Ever.
112
@97 - hi Sissoucat!

In relating the tips at 84, I was thinking about a woman who gave me the best Blowjobs of my life and her technique. I'm not circumcised although if I were then I think the lots of saliva idea would be even more important. In my experiance, the wetter the better. This particular woman would fuck me with her mouth (as in no thrusting on my part so not hurting / gagging her)while holding /stroking the base of my shaft in unison with her furious bobbing. She always maintained powerful suction too. To me, her agressiveness was a big turn on - as in "wow, she really likes sucking my cock!". So hot!
113
NCWTD - He is a 16 year old boy. Anything you do to his dick with your mouth short of biting it will be extremely appreciated. Blow jobs aren't that hard, really. You learned how to play with his dick with your hands, right? This is the same thing but wetter. Don't try to deep throat him for a while, at least until you know your gag reflex really well. Just lick the damn thing to start with, go slow and ask him if he likes what you are doing. Make him tell you what feels good - he knows you don't know how, this is a perfect opportunity to learn, and it'll build your confidence to get feedback. He asks you if it feels good when he eats you out, right? Right??? Because he should be taking pointers from you - that's a lot more technically difficult than cock sucking. Just play with him, you'll be fine. Porn doesn't usually show good blow jobs - those choking ones are crap, and usually it's just boring old in and out for five million years - which is actually a bit hard to do because of the whole breathing thing - you can do whatever you want, you literally will have him by the balls. Play around - most of a blowjob isn't the actual in and out bit. It's like a handjob with tongue added. You don't have to actually suck on him for more than a minute or so at a time (when you do actually get to the point where you feel comfortable sucking), and keep your hands stroking him, so you don't go too deep by accident until you're used to it. Keep up some sort of leisurely contact in the beginning, rub his cock on your tits, your face, whatever you feel like, mess around with anything interesting you find down there, stroke him with your hands, and suck on him when and if you want. You run short on breath, you get tired of it, whatever, go back to pure handjob. But always use your hands - don't go total porno cocksucker until you are used to things and can trust his control so he won't thrust when you aren't expecting it. He's not allowed to hold your head (unless you want him to), he's not allowed to bitch if you don't swallow, he's not allowed to thrust unless he can't help it and then he should warn you if he can (until you have much more experience), and he's supposed to be immensely grateful. You'll be fine, don't worry, good luck. And tell him to wrap his dick if it's anywhere near your vagina (like within firing distance) or break up with him - he has no right to scare you like that, and you are right to be scared - that thing on a 16 year old is a loaded gun. And break the boy of that no abortion thing - you'll be doing him a favor. DO NOT FUCK A GUY WHO IS ANTIABORTION. Tell your friends.
114
If it's at all reassuring - my boyfriend still laughs at how inept my first blowjobs were. But with practice, guidance (i.e., asking him what felt good) and googling 'how to give good blowjobs' I improved.
115
Regarding this "probing" business, can someone explain why "probing" isn't in fact PIV sex, albeit a messing around variety? I ask because I would think that it would be useful for a 16 y.o. to know that it doesn't need to be balls-deep to be "real" fucking in a baby-making sense, albeit more of a teasing tentative nature.

It seems to me that she should consider herself to be having PIV sex for the purposes of assuming birth control. After all, did I miss where someone created a new definition where 1" in isn't fucking, but at >=2" in, she is magically no longer a virgin (for whatever that's worth?)
116
#2 is yet another brain damaged man who can't figure out abortion is about pregnancy, child support is about a child.
117
@105 you should look into the law more. If the married man knows damn well the kid is not his then he has a period of time to say so and get a test and off the hook.

Now some say "wah I found out when the kid was 7" Yes, and in that case it's about the child and their right to not be abandoned by the only father they've ever known, tho any man who would do that is one the child is better off without.
118
@109, GlassMoon,

That thought will be exceedingly comforting to the 1:1000 marginally fertile woman that has an "accidental" pregnancy from unprotected sex. Women have been known to get pregnant while already pregnant, so to hope for infallible normalcy from a biological system is ... naive. Why argue against contraception???

Peace.
119
@109 re fertility windows - actually, sperm can live for days in there. And most women don't know how to tell when they are about to ovulate, so they're just guessing when that window of opportunity is.

Here's the planned parenthood advice on the question:
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-…

A woman has a chance of her egg joining a sperm about seven days of every menstrual cycle.

This includes the five days before ovulation.
It includes the day of ovulation.
It also includes the day or two after ovulation — even though it's less likely to happen then.

120
SO,

Are we going to talk about oral sex technique on women now?!!

(Droool)

Peace.
121
NCWTD: In addition to getting some contraceptives at PP (as many have already implored you to do), I submit that you need to get tested for pregnancy and STDs while you're there. Pregnancy, because this "probing" can indeed lead to pregnancy, as others have pointed out: You may already be pregnant. STDs, because (and I don't think anybody has pointed this out yet): You can't trust him to keep his penis away from your vagina, so why would you trust him when he says he hasn't already put it in somebody else's vagina (and most likely without a condom).

You say you don't understand why he's doing this "probing". Well, he's doing it to test your boundaries: Does "no" really mean "no"? The next time he may just start fucking you without warning. Or, even if he doesn't do that, he could prematurely ejaculate and still drastically increase the risk of pregnancy.

P.S.: You are no longer a virgin, no matter what you or he have convinced yourselves of. But I suggest that for your first consensual intercourse, you choose a more respectful partner.
122
Isn't anyone upset about the columnist advice to the foot fetish guy? Sounds like the advice giver needs some advice. Don't force your closed minded unrelated opinions onto some poor guy. What you consider pretty and what other people consider pretty is objective. I happen to think tattoos are sexy and ear plugs are not for hipsters. Tight girl jeans are for hipsters. You can take your opinion and stuff it where the sun doesn't shine. Hows that for advice, jerk.
123
Isn't anyone upset about Mr. Savage's advice to the foot fetish guy? Sounds like the advice giver needs some advice. Don't force your closed minded unrelated opinions onto some poor guy. What you consider pretty and what other people consider pretty is objective. I happen to think tattoos are sexy and ear plugs are not for hipsters. Tight girl jeans are for hipsters. People rant and rave about how Dan Savage is brilliant. But all I ever read and hear (on his podcast) is a super negative whiny queen of the hipsters. You know what they say about homophobes, that they are really gay. Well Mr. Savage, you hate hipsters so much, you must be their queen. Now go be negative somewhere else. Your time as a columnist is obviously coming to an end. Let the positive young talent just take over, as it is inevitable. /end rant.
124
@123: "all I ever read and hear (on his podcast) is a super negative whiny queen of the hipsters"

Oh please, Seattle's full of 'em. His sarcasm is meant with some amount of love, or else he'd move out of the city.

"Your time as a columnist is obviously coming to an end. Let the positive young talent just take over, as it is inevitable. /end rant."

Oh yes, Savage is the drama queen. Indeedy.
125
@NCWTD

The probing you're experiencing? That is him trying to trick you into having full sex. Once he gets away with probing so deep, he'll move to probing a leetle bit deeper, and eventually he'll probe deep enough that you might as well just get on with it and have full blown sex. Probably without you getting asked first.

That said, as others have pointed out, you are now no longer a virgin in the PIV sense. Hymen breakage or not, even if it was just the tip, even if he only did it for a minute and wasn't thrusting and grunting and blah blah blah, you've had a penis in your vagina.

At this point, I would suggest dumping the arsehole and finding someone GGG about exploring sex with you at a rate that is comfortable for both of you.
126
@118:

Huh? Unless a woman has a double uterus, how the heck can she get pregnant again when she is already pregnant?
128
@126: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Reproductiv…

Apparently, it's possible.
129
avast2006: thanks for modifying your tone and not taking offense at my posting. I didn't mean for you to unpack your ideas further, and I think I had a sense of them, but it was great that you did.

@93:
Why would you feel compelled to questions avast2006's love for or ability to be a good father to his children? I hope you either aren't a parent or have never been criticized for your parenting skills/abilities by a total stranger who knows nothing about you!

And as it happens, your statement "While it's in the womb it's a parasite on the mother and she can choose to evict it at any time, if men have a problem with that they can hurry up and invent artificial wombs for gestation" is not only insensitive and ignorant of biology (look up "parasite," why don't you), but it is ignorant of abortion laws. Even in its earliest days, with the least restrictions, Roe v. Wade didn't give women to absolute right to an abortion for any reason at any point in the pregnancy prior to birth.
131
@130 - some guys like it reaalllyy sllllowww, some guys need the fast pumping action; some guys like me to focus on the frenulum, others want to fuck my throat. I met a guy recently who loves teeth on his cock, but don't get near his balls with them.

Please each partner by learning his prick's particular preferences :-)

132
Just adored the "hasa diga eebowai". Rock on Dan.
133
I don't see why NSWTD's abortion would necessarily have to be "secret." I think it'd be better in this country if parents and teens could be open about who they're fvcking and what is respectful and what is shitty behavior. Stupid quarterback there earned up about 17 shit points, and I'd rather know that my daughter was semi-fvcking him and be able to give her good advice than have her go through an ABORTION by herself as an ADOLESCENT.
134
Foot Fetish, given that you have a foot fetish and your boyfriend knows it and it's part of your sexual activity, then him doing that in front of your parents was sort of like him starting to stroke your tits in front of your parents, and that's why you felt uncomfortable. It was a smug, unpleasant, inconsiderate and just plain icky thing to do and showed considerable disrespect for your parents. Are you sure this guy's not, um, a dickhead?
135
@116: He must be from Lynden.
136
I called Planned Parenthood today and they got me an appointment for tomorrow. The 16 year old should do the same and she'll be protected within a week (from pregnancy, anyway) She's young, this is all new, the guy is being a pushy jerk (sounds a lot like the guys I dated at that age...) all of which will pass in time. She just has to get through this time in her life unscathed. Part of that is standing up for herself like Dan urges and part of it is protecting herself from having to get an abortion at age 16.

For the record, blow jobs lead to penetration too. Just get on the damn pill already-- it oughta be mandatory.
137
@129: Roe said that states could only ban third-trimester abortions if they left exemptions for the physical and mental health of the mother, which is fairly broad. And some states don't have third-trimester restrictions on abortions: in those states, abortion is legal at any time for any reason.

@117: It depends on the state: not all states have that waiting period and it varies from state to state. If you didn't find out until after the period was over, it's paternity fraud, and you can (in some states) be relieved of your obligations if you immediately terminate all connections with the kid and stop assuming a parental role. It's critical that you do this if you find out the kid isn't yours -- make it clear that you consider yourself a victim of fraud and not a father -- because some states have forced men to pay child support when they didn't immediately abandon the kid and stop being a dad!
138
@97, 110: It's gonna vary a lot from dick to dick. Most uncircumcised men do not have foreskins that are so long that they cover the glans when their cock is fully erect: it takes an unusually long foreskin to do that. So, depending on how long the foreskin is, the actual technique used to give a hard cock a BJ may not be that different, though the glans may be more sensitive from being covered from before. Circumcised guys can cover their glans during the day (when not having sex) to simulate the extra sensitivity: there are products for that purpose.
139
@108: From that link you cited, the vasectomy failure rate is lower than that if a) the guy was careful to get sperm counts checked; b) the more modern method of fascial interposition was used to prevent recanalization; and c) it's been more than 18 months since the vasectomy. Note that the article states recanalization has never occurred after more than 18 months post-vasectomy.
140
The reason it needs to be said to a guy (don't do it if you don't want to be a daddy), is due to guys being the ones that push for it with no protection! Guys need more reality check from the outside.

Girls are in the more vulnerable position (stereotypically speaking) -- where despite the monthly reminders of how their body works, and what the consequences of sex are, they also are at an internal war all the time that guys DON"T DEAL WITH.

Culturally bombarded by imagery and products telling you that 'pleasing the guy' is a priority (I don't think I need to point out how our culture does this)... then being pressured by the guy you like who doesn't want to wear a condom, a teenage guy with his testosterone going... while your horny too... and having to fight both the emotions and cultural messages and chemistry, to do what you know is right for your body, despite what it's telling you....

This is why girls mature faster than boys.
And why the message needs to be stated to boys in strong language... to break through the testosterone and inspire some manning-up.

Whereas you do Not need to berate girls, because they've got enough internal struggle going on on the matter. Encouragement and empowerment like Dan gave -- YES! But there's a lot of factors at play for the sexes when it comes to this, so it's not so black and white/hypocritical sounding as Avast wants to paint it.
141
@avast2006 controversy-I'm a woman, and a feminist, but I happen to agree with avastt, and I don't understand why everyone is blasting him. From a moral point of view, it doesn't seem right to me that men can be forced into fatherhood, while women cannot be forced into motherhood. Both take a risk when engaging in sex, but only one is given a choice if there is a pregnancy. It's a simple, but powerful, point, and worth exploring.
142
Pregnancy can happen at ANY time of the cycle, actually. Sometimes a woman's hormones send out an egg at another time, even DURING menstruation. If it sends one out during pregnancy, it can result in another pregnancy (these are rarities, but CAN happen). The testing on live, motile sperm in pre-ejaculate is not complete, for they HAVE found live sperm in some pre-ejaculate samples, enough that it still runs a viable risk. Just like how sometimes the ovaries will send out more than one egg (which, should fertilization occur, leads to fraternal twins/triplets/etc). Bottom line: protection all the time, EVERY TIME. Granted right now the two don't need to really worry about diseases, since they're both virgins, but ALWAYS a good idea. And no ejaculating anywhere NEAR the vulva...that is how my cousin, a virgin at 17, got pregnant, and...THEY BOTH KEPT THEIR UNDERWEAR ON! Dry humping that lead to him ejaculating, soaking through both sets of underwear, and those little swimmer can be VERY determined...enough space to pass a hymen, if one exists. The hymen is not a hermetic seal on the vagina...if it were, menstrual fluids could not escape, and each hymen is different, including possibly absent.
143
@25 You said "child support shouldn't be optional ... I think it's a selfish, horrible viewpoint to think a man can wash his hands of financial responsibility if he doesn't want a kid. If he's not prepared to have a kid, then he should have a vasectomy plain and simple, and get retested for sperm count." A good friend of mine was dating a girl for a time and she was on the pill. She decided that she wanted his baby without discussing it with him, and secretly went off the pill. After she became pregnant, she let him know her plans and swore that she wouldn't need his support. He was extremely angry - more so because he's a firm believer in ZPG and subsequently got a vasectomy. A year later, she sued him for child support, which he's been paying for the last several years. He's doing his best to be a good dad to the kid while having as little to do with the kid's mom as possible. It's not always so cut and dried.
144
I totally agree with #134, and I can't understand why Dan didn't see this and point it out to BFF.
145
RE responsibility: the most important thing is to understand what your responsibilities and accountabilities are and to act accordingly. In the US, that means that fathers are responsible for child support. This is consistent with the fact that in the US, abortion may be difficult to obtain.

In the Netherlands, a father is accountable for child support if he was living with the mother in the six months before the baby is born or if he asserts paternity. Abortion and birth control are also universally and easily available. A pregnant woman knows what her expectations are wrt child support and can make decisions accordingly. (I’m not sure I have this exactly right, but it’s something along these lines.)

I’ve always liked this approach. It feels fair to me and treats everyone as an adult.
146
I don't even want to get near the whole, should the guy have a say about whether she gets abortion question because that is so freaking fraught...I don't even know. It's a really hard question for everyone though, dear 16 year old, as the comments here show so read what everyone says, think about it, and do what feels most right for you.
In terms of the "probing" question, I do think there's something else to be said that hasn't been mentioned. Probing is such a tease, as several commenters note, but some women really, really enjoy the opening of the vagina being stimulated, it's pretty sensitive and can feel awesome, and some men really, really enjoy just the tips of their cocks being stimulated. Now, it's certainly highly likely that your lame bf is just trying to pressure you into having sex NCWTD, and you should as Dan advises, stand up for yourself there. But, it's possible he also just enjoys the stimulation probing provides, and perhaps you're feeling a little guilty about it too because you enjoy it too. Let's just say, I was in a very similar situation in high school (26 now & I'm female) and my bf was not an asshole and we had talked lots about losing our virginity to each other and when we wanted that to happen. But he kept jumping the gun and probing and well, when we finally talked about that we realized he was irresponsibly doing it and I was irresponsibly not stopping him because it just felt really, really good for both of us. But you know what is largely harmless? Him probing you gently around that opening area with his fingers and/or tongue (try tongue, wooowee it's awesome), and you playing with just sucking on the tip of his cock (best starting when he's completely/mostly soft as in my experience most guys' heads are too sensitive when they're rock hard to take focused stimulation on just the tip). It's easy for both of you and fun and as long as he's not probing you with fingers that have recently touched his pre-cum/cum (wash w hot water and soap & problem fixed!) there's no risk of pregnancy. There is still a risk of STIs so be careful about that though! Get yourselves both tested and stay monogamous if you want to keep playing bare-back, or learn to use condoms/barriers now, your later partners will thank you.
147
also want to chime in with others and agree that #134 is right on the money w the foot fetishist and I almost feel like that usual Dan-advice paragraph was accidentally deleted from his response or something...Dan always tends to agree, starting sexual activity of any kind in front of family is inconsiderate, rude, and just plain out disrespectful to your family.
148
Long-time reader, I also think your advice is mostly spot on, but don't go telling the 16 year old girl she's not a virgin anymore. As Dan has often suggested our society's obsession with virginity status is based on antiquated Puritan BS and doesn't even apply well to gay people or just people who get off on different sexual scenarios. If you've got serous BDSM tendencies do you lose your virginity when you just have vanilla sex (and what kind of sex? does only vaginal intercourse apply?) or when you BDSM play for the first time, regardless of whether or not intercourse occurred? I know BDSMers who would argue for the second. Questions like that are endless, about people of all sexual varieties, and pointless. NCWTD should take the risks of STIs and pregnancy seriously, but she should not spend a bunch of time guilting herself over her virginity status, as many 16 year old girls will when they're told they're no longer virgins. Do you still feel like a virgin NCWTD? Well then you are, according to you, and that's the only opinion in this case that matters.
149
@142 - the overwhelming majority of conceptions happen in the week around ovulation. Some people have a three week cycle, so they are fertile more often than people with four or five week cycles.

Use condoms every time to protect against disease -- 'virgins' can have STDs if they are calling themselves virgins because they haven't had PIV yet. (Or had PIV with an abuser/rapist so it doesn't count.)
150
Surely Worried Porn Girl should masturbate to whatever kind of porn turns her on, without worrying about whether it has Violet Blue's stamp of approval? Does she really need to add pornographic correctness to her worries?
151
NCWTD - you sound like a very smart, very responsible person. So you should give this boy his first lesson in "girls don't like pushy boys." As in, dump him. Nicely, but dump him. You can get practice in the "I just don't think we're sexually compatible" department with your breakup speech.

In other words, you are only 16, and just not quite ready for the full monty. You might be ready in a week, a month, or a year, but I don't think you'll ever feel 100% comfortable with this boy, and you should DEFINITELY feel 100% comfortable, all the way down to your toes, with anyone you're having sexual fun with. Trust me, it makes sex SOOOOO much more interesting when you're on the same wavelength with your partner.

Also... I have adorable twin nieces who were pre-cum babies. Just sayin'.
152
"Hasa diga eebowai?" Wow, Dan, Book of Mormon really left a lasting impression on you, didn't it?
153
@126,

Superfetation is the condition of having multiple simultaneous pregnancies of different fertilization times. (Hey, I didn't write it.)

Peace.
155
@154 - as with your preference for enemas before anal (a few weeks ago), I think you're jumping to conclusions about how common your own preferences are.

My experience this year is that there's a lot of variation. BDSM'ers in particular often like throat-fucking, sometimes to the point where it's a breath-control thing.
156
Has anyone asked if No Clue had an orgasm from her BF going down on her? Seems like important ground to cover. So, No Clue: You get to direct his licking the same way he gets to direct your sucking. Take your time, help each other out in this, and you'll never regret it.

Dan: You sound like an old man about the earlobes. "And those tattos and baggy pants! Why in my day, we ... and get off my lawn!"
157
156- I didn't ask that question directly, but I did note that her letter is absent of anything positive about her relationship with her boyfriend. I'd go so far as to say that coming isn't as important as enjoying. If she doesn't actually come but loves the experience and wants more, at least she's headed in the right direction. If her boyfriend is doing something for her only in a manipulative bid to get her to do something for him, there's a ton wrong with the whole picture. (And dump him as UppityMom in 151 says.)

I'll go out on a limb that will get me in trouble with some feminists and tell NCWTD that at her age, she ought to be pursued. By that, I mean that her boyfriend ought to be so thrilled that she's doing anything sexual with him that he's willing to make all the first moves. If he eats her, it ought to be because he adores her, wants her to feel pleasure, and just plain wants to. If she's so happy that she wants to blow him in return, that's an extra bonus that should happen when and if she wants. It's different when you're older and know what you like. At 16, it's important to feel comfortable at every step. To feel a little scared is normal enough, but overall, you ought to feel pleased.

Same goes for the probing. All she says is that it worries her, not that she enjoys it. Not wanting to engage in probing because of fear of pregnancy gets one set of advice. (Get birth control as many above have said.) Not wanting to engage in probing because you're not into it gets a different set. (Dump him as only a few have said, or at least get a lot better at communicating what's wrong.)
158
Dan says "Don't let your boyfriend rush or guilt you into blowing him until he comes..."

Need help with the definition here. Doesn't a blowjob imply that the male comes? Up until then isn't it just cocksucking?

Or is any mouth-penis contact a blowjob?
159
@130/cocky

I was taught that the way to get around the teeth issue was to.... this will be tricky to describe in text. But to basically have your lips covering your teeth so that you can actually use your teeth to get a firm grip without any teeth-penis contact.

The person who taught me that is gay and sort of made his living that way.

So I took his advice. I get positive reviews.
160
All the advice was good,except for the foot fetishist; totally innapropriate behavior for "first time meeting" with the parents. Gross.
As for the hipster ears, well not only is it ugly, but rather permanent (without surgery) as also with the tattoos. Obviously, ten years from now, they won't be so cool (remember eyebrow rings, tribal armbands, and trampstamps?) so a little foresight from an older guy to the younger is nice.
As an older tattooed guy myself breathing sighs of relief at never having my hands and neck done, I shudder at what all these kids are going to be going through later on in life; majorly bummed, dude.
165
(My God, 164 comments ALREADY?! Where have I been?)

Situation #1:

Dan, I nominate you for GOD of Sex Advice.

Please accept.
166
If he disagrees with you on abortion, you need to stop having sexual relations with him. DTMFA and find somebody more considerate of your feelings to explore sex with.
168
As a long-time reader who happens to be heavily tattooed & pierced (and, yes, I have stretched ears too, suck it) I took offense to your seemingly out of nowhere attack on modified people.

It seems hypocritical to say what others can and cannot do with their bodies in terms of looks, but to have an 'anything respectful goes' attitude towards sex. A tattoo is not very different from a boob job, rhinoplasty, or getting your hair done. Ears can be reconstructed and piercings taken out. Tattoos can be removed. Hair grows out and can be cut, and nails repainted. It's the same thing - expression. Implementing a line for people not to go is bigoted. Everyone has control over their bodies, and we should all respect the aesthetic choices of others. Most of us modded folks get modded for OURSELVES - not for you. Not for your approval. Not for anyone's approval - just ours. What a concept!

On a similar note, tattoos and piercings are fetishes for a lot of folks, which is why you see a lot of tattooed/pierced couples with tons of mods, or, in my case, one partner with lots of mods and the other who looks like the squarest (but cute) accountant you've ever seen.

169
As a long-time reader who happens to be heavily tattooed & pierced (and, yes, I have stretched ears too, suck it) I took offense to your seemingly out of nowhere attack on modified people.

It seems hypocritical to say what others can and cannot do with their bodies in terms of looks, but to have an 'anything respectful goes' attitude towards sex. A tattoo is not very different from a boob job, rhinoplasty, or getting your hair done. Ears can be reconstructed and piercings taken out. Tattoos can be removed. Hair grows out and can be cut, and nails repainted. It's the same thing - expression. Implementing a line for people not to go is bigoted. Everyone has control over their bodies, and we should all respect the aesthetic choices of others. Most of us modded folks get modded for OURSELVES - not for you. Not for your approval. Not for anyone's approval - just ours. What a concept!

On a similar note, tattoos and piercings are fetishes for a lot of folks, which is why you see a lot of tattooed/pierced couples with tons of mods, or, in my case, one partner with lots of mods and the other who looks like the squarest (but cute) accountant you've ever seen. You may not be into it, but other consenting adults can be and are. Deal with it!
170
Also, I'd like to direct NCWTD to the morning after pill! It's over the counter, costs $30 in Canada. If you're worried or if he comes on you while 'probing' , take it. You don't have to get pregnant even if he decides to be an asshole and force you into sex (dump the dude in that case)
171
@Nellygirl You're making the assumption that NCWTD had no say in whether she wanted that cock inside her with a condom or otherwise. The boyfriend chose not to wear the condom; the girlfriend chose to let him probe her. The focus is on the decisions after the sex has been had and the pregnancy. If NCWTD's choice happened to be that she wanted to keep the child against her boyfriend's wishes, she has unilaterally decided to have the child. He, at this point, has no say whatsoever. He HAS to pay child support because of her decision. They both decided to fuck, but why is she the only one to decide whether she's going to bring the baby to term?

So what I proposed was that if NCWTD made the choice to have the child, then the boyfriend, if he so pleases, should be able to choose whether or not to pay child support. He should be able to have a say.
172
Oh hunter, that's silly.

First things first, "I get good reviews" isn't exactly what I would call... let's say "DARE" level bragging. I was just sayin'. Certainly not as much as "I'm pretty good on blowjobs" from 97 (no disrespect!)

Second of all, being in a monogamous relationship doesn't mean that's the only person I've ever been with in my whole life.

Third of all, I'm not going to argue with you as to the existence of my talents. My comment was not for your benefit, it was more for people who have trouble with the teeth thing.
173
Well, I'd like to hear about Dan's comparative experiences in giving oral sex to men v. women. If he has no experience with women, he has no business blithely saying which is easier. In MY experience as a woman, I have only had one (small) orgasm with oral in my whole life. I feel it is the lack of skill of the men I have been with. I am very sensitive-in good and bad ways- and all I have ever felt is TEETH. None of the men I have been with have been worth a damn in this department. It can't be that trivial. Oh well.
174
Sucking cock is physically trickier and more taxing than eating pussy.

Love your column, Dan, but WTF on that line? Yes, I guess it is physically trickier-but as a straight woman who fooled around in the distant past, eating pussy was boring and frustrating. No offense,Dan-just seems odd to have a gay man extolling pussy eating over giving head.
Now, on the issue of equal pay, yes-her BF definitely deserves fair play-her smokescreen of worry about giving poor head doesn't ring true. Almost any straight guy would be delighted to help a teenaged girl practice/improve oral screen.
175
@avast: a disavowed father can contest to establish paternity and, when that is established, can sue for and win partial or full custody and/or child support. The child support is not a tax on men; it is based on the percentage of time the kids live with a parent plus the percentage of total parental income each earns; if the man earns less than the woman but does close to half or more of the childcare, he will be awarded support. I have seen it happen.
177
@63 -
Actually, it's like this:

When it comes to matters of pregnancy, a man gets one vote, because it's his sperm. A woman gets one vote, because it's her egg. A woman gets a second vote because it's her uterus. Two votes trump one.

Basic ethics applied to a situation that, I'm sorry, cannot be perfectly fair. If the man could opt to carry the child if the woman doesn't want to, there'd be no problem. If we didn't live in a capitalist society and/or children could count on being supported by their community, rather than parents, there'd be no problem. But at the end of the day, it's IMPOSSIBLE to give the man any power in this decision without taking all power from the woman, and that's just obviously lopsided.

So the folks who go around saying, "Oh, the poor menzes!" just haven't really thought this through.

Child support, BTW, is based on the idea that it's the CHILD's right to be supported by both parents, not anything to do with a woman's rights.
178
Ms Driasis - Has Mr DARE set a new gold standard, then? From what little I was able to see of the threads he inspired, I'm not too surprised.
179
I say this with the utmost compassion NCWTD: your boyfriend's a dick.
I know it's hard to see, especially in your first relationship, but even if you aren't going to break up with him you need to start laying down the law a bit more and be firm with him.
180
Thank you Dan... I appreciate your advice and I am for sure going to take what you say into consideration. :)
181
Thank you Dan, I really appreciate your advice. And I will for sure take what you said into consideration. :)
182
Hi NCWTD! Care to share more? As other people have noted, your letter left out a lot about whether you are enjoying yourself or just putting up with what your boyfriend wants you to do.
184
@177: "But at the end of the day, it's IMPOSSIBLE to give the man any power in this decision without taking all power from the woman"

That simply isn't true.

If, during the early stages of the pregnancy, the man were to say "I am not ready for this/cannot afford this/do not want this" for whatever reason, and he was allowed at that point to surrender his interests, the woman would be able to make her own decision: do I carry to term, knowing that not only could I have exercised my right to opt out, but that the man already has exercised his right to do so? She has retained every single one of her OWN options. The only option she has lost is the one where she makes HIM pay for HER decision to continue the pregnancy.

I'm not claiming that the man opting out of fatherhood does not represent a pressure on her decision-making process. (But it is only one pressure out of many on her decision. Money plays just as big a part when dad stays around but is unemployed, or poor.) But to say that giving him that option takes away ALL of her options is simply incorrect.

"Child support, BTW, is based on the idea that it's the CHILD's right to be supported by both parents, not anything to do with a woman's rights.

Child support is for when there is an actual child to support. I am talking about decisions that get made before that child exists. (I trust you not an advocate of personhood-at-conception.)

"So the folks who go around saying, "Oh, the poor menzes!" just haven't really thought this through.

Heh. Thanks for proving my original point.

185
Oops, I posted that comment twice. Anyhow, I do enjoy every minute with him. He is a very good, caring, generous boyfriend. He just doesn't know how to treat a fucking girl sometimes, his selfishness takes over and blinds him from seeing that his advances come off as pressuring.
I have looked into planned parenthood time after time, there is none in my town, or the ones surrounding mine...
The closest one is an hour away and I have no way of getting there.
I am not on birth control, but I do have condoms.
As for peer pressure, I'm homeschooled.
186
"you guys saying that women are really that weak-minded that they are incapable of being held responsible for their mistakes"

Don't ask me, I'm just a girl!
187
Dan always tosses out these little perfect gem-like Sexual Truisms. This week's? "It's always better to err on the side of blowjobs." Embroider that one a throw pillow, I say.

jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.co…
188
There are two red flags, NCWTD, and in the absence of information otherwise, you might want to think very carefully about how you proceed with this guy.

If he's probing you without your consent, he could go balls deep without your consent, in fact, it's very likely to happen. If you want when you lose your virginity to be a decision -he- makes for you, then by all means, continue to let him probe you until he gets "carried away in the moment" and starts thrusting.

Now, about the pregnancy/choice thing, combined with him putting his un-covered dick inside your vagina. He is going to get you pregnant, and he's going to give you hell if you try to do anything about it. There are guys out there who use pregnancy as a means of controlling and emotionally abusing their girlfriends. He might not be this guy, but make sure you're not lining up for this shot. Go to Planned Parenthood and get on birth control that you don't have to rely on him for, and don't tell him you're on it and make him wear a condom! It might be that your love is for the ages, and if so, mazel tov, but in the likely chance that it isn't, you might find out that he's more a player than you believe he is now, and you need to make sure you're safe.

Reading between the lines of your letter, you sounds like maybe you're not comfortable with the level of sexuality you're currently in, which is OK! You're only 16! There's plenty of time to get this shit together and do what you like when you're comfortable! I might suggest you keep your clothes on with this guy, or observe a strict "only one person has their underwear off at a time" policy until you feel a little more comfortable and you can trust this guy not to probe you. In the meantime, if you haven't acquainted yourself with the online feminist comminity (scarlateen, feministing, feministe, pandagon, etc), check us out. You -can- feel comfortable and in charge of your sexual experiences and there's nothing wrong with that!
189
NCWTD: If his penis was in your vagina--even just the tip--you are no longer a virgin. There, the pressure's off. Now dispense with that silly voodoo word and get your thinking cap on. The best time to talk about sex is when you're not having it. You want your brain making the policy decisions, not your hormones. The two of you need to set sensible boundaries and stick to them. The b/f needs to realize that his sex life is directly tied to his compliance with your stated sex policy.
190
Clearly, disgusting is in the eye of the beholder.

It would be nice if people knew to say "That disgusts me," rather than "That is disgusting." Subtle difference, but it tends to preempt the whole argument about "Well, for _some_ people it's perfectly fine, so you shouldn't say that."
191
NCWTD @185 - He sounds a lot like a lot of guys at 16! Some of the suggestions about only one person with pants off at a time are great, as well as just talking to him about how what he is doing is making you uncomfortable.

Since it sounds like he is getting awfully, ahem, excited when you guys fool around, you will have to be the one to put the brakes on when he is going to far or too fast. It sucks, but like a lot of people have already mentioned, you will bear a disproportionate part of the burden if you get pregnant. (Heck, I'm pregnant and I want to be, but its not what I would call fun....) Buy some condoms, if he wants to get his penis near your vagina, he needs to be wrapped up. THIS DOES NOT MEAN HE GETS TO PUT IT IN! Sex is a ton of fun, but you need to be ready, and from what I am reading, you aren't yet.

If he doesn't respect your "no" or "not yet," you need to stop playing around with him until he does. Be smart! Be safe! Have a ton of fun :-)
192
NCWTD @185 - thanks for writing more! Glad to hear he's usually a nice guy. And it's not unusual for a teenage boy to have trouble remembering not to pressure you into more sex -- he's getting a lot of pressure himself from the hormones in his system.

I'm sorry to hear there's no planned parenthood in your town. But there are other ways to get more reliable birth control (condoms are great, but you should combine condoms with another form of birth control to avoid any accidents). Can you talk to your mom about birth control? Remember, she was once 16 herself, and she doesn't want you to get pregnant either. Or is that unrealistic given your relationship? How about your doctor? Can you get to the doctor by yourself, and trust the doctor to keep your conversation private?

If there's no way for you to get hormonal birth control, you can learn to track your own fertility, NOT by counting days since your period, but by tracking your temperature every day with an ultra precise thermometer, and combining that with examining your cervical mucus to see if it's stretchy, slippery and wet-feeling, like egg white.
http://www.yourcervicalmucus.com/2010/08…
You can make condoms a lot more effective if you also only have sex when you're pretty sure you are not fertile. (The other days you can stick with oral and mutual masturbation :-)

I also do hope you'll read the article at
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/pink/a…
193
This site has a pretty good description of the Fertility Awareness Method:
http://www.fwhc.org/birth-control/fam.ht…
195
thank you dan for doing your part to curtail the horror that is gauged ears and the resultant earlabia. would you consider adding a blurb next week about the young male obsession with unkempt facial hair. i love bone structure and there's nothing worse than a gorgeous squared jawline obscured by a massive face bush!! gentleman, i beg of you! just because you can grow santa's beard on your pretty little face doesn't mean you SHOULD!
197
Dan, your advice to NCWTD was perfect, couldn't have said it better!

On a side note, wonderful job this last Wednesday speaking!!! Loved your lecture/stories!
199
unwanted pregnancy is not fun for anyone. My boyfriend accidentally got me pregnant and now 3 months later, he suddenly left me. I dont know how I'll raise this baby alone. I can barely breathe right now.
200
@166 suddenlyorcas: Spot on for the win!!!
201
@195

Yes! Agreed.
There are three kinds of guys my age with beards.

1. I'm so excited I can grow facial hair!
2. I'm too lazy to shave.
3. I'm a hipster douchebag.

None of these are sexually appealing.
202
Why is everybody encouraging the teenage girl to suck this judgmental, manipulative asshole's cock? It seems pretty clear from her description that she's uncomfortable setting boundaries with her boyfriend--she describes the "probing" as something he just does without her desire or explicit consent. The fact that he goes down on her doesn't change anything--I suspect he only does it so he can guilt her into reciprocating. Sure, for him a bad blowjob would be more pleasurable than no blowjob, but it's not him we should be worried about.
204
@cocky

I'mma have to disagree with you.
Sorry.

But I remember highschool pretty well. It wasn't super long ago for me. And I do remember several people (of both genders) being somewhat pressured into things that weren't for them. Yeah, most of them were female. But I think the point that a lot of people are making is that instead of "erring on the side of blowjobs" as Dan said, we should "err on the side of not engaging in sex activities we are doubtful of our comfort level with".

Less catchy, though.

Even though I'm an incredibly sexist individual, I'd still have a similar response to a male LW who wrote in with a similar letter. Personally I was pretty promiscuous at that age but I have pretty much no regrets because I also had a very well established set of boundaries and I had no problem saying "no" even if it made me, as you say, a "Mean Girl".

I would encourage any 16 year old girl or boy to do the same.
206
NCWTD-- I remember being a teenager. I remember what it was like not to have a car, not to be familiar with making an appointment with a doctor, not knowing how to go about getting to a clinic or setting up getting birth control. I don't know enough about your location or circumstance to help you through the particulars. I can tell you that if you think it's hard now getting birth control, it could be 100x harder dealing with the logistics of getting an abortion. So deal with this with the same sense of urgency you would bring to an abortion. If getting to a clinic several towns over means spending money, calling on a favor, even telling a lie, do what you must to to get the information and prescription you need. You'd do that for an abortion, right?

As for the conflicting advice about whether or not you're being pressured or hurried into penis-in-vagina sex (I think you are), whether you're being blackmailed into blowing him (I think you are), whether you should dump him (I'm not sure), naturally you're going to consider everything you read here. When you're thinking about it, consider the sex of the poster giving the advice. A grown straight woman who remembers what being a teenage girl was like, or a straight man who remembers what he wanted teenage girls to be like? Someone who's thinking about what seems to make logical sense, or someone who's considering all the conflicting feelings of the first time.

And read the article that Erica P. recommended. It's really good.
207
Darling child, if you "don't understand" what he's doing, then you're not old enough to be doing it. It's pretty clear, and there's one place it's going, which is full on sex!
209
NCWTD, do either of you know your boyfriend's condom size? Maybe he needs to hear "Ask for 'regular.'"
211
@cocky

I must have missed that. People were dehumanizing the LW's boyfriend?

But I will say that unless I'm misunderstanding you, you seem to be suggesting a post-sexism world much the way a lot of conservative people like to pretend that we're in a "post-racial" world.

We aren't. And while I think that (especially in the States where I'm assuming most of you are from) racism is a way bigger problem than sexism... experiences are still very different for teenage girls than they are for teenage boys to a degree that I think you're downplaying.

I don't believe in putting down or dehumanizing teenage boys... but I do believe in calling someone a jerk when they're being one.

Though crinolene may have missed the mark on what your teenage experience was like... she may have still hit a grain of truth in that... you weren't a teenage girl and didn't experience the struggles that came with that. You dealt with very different ones. Your entrance into un-virginhood was presumably a happy consentual one and etc
212
Here's a thought: instead of birth control, why not establish DICK control? If a guy pushes sex on a girl too hard, she can get a cattle prod and just zap him in the bodoobies!

It worked for Dustin Hoffman.
215
214-- The original letter reads "We fight sometimes because he feels it's unfair that he goes down on me and I don't go down on him." That's where we're getting the idea that he's acting out of self interest and manipulation rather than joyful desire. Imagine if it had read "He feels it's unfair that he gives me expensive gifts that I don't really want or enjoy and I don't have sex with him." I wouldn't go so far as to say he planned it that way. I cut teenage boys a lot of slack because they're just learning too. But no wonder she feels conflicted. On some deep level, he's set their relationship up as a business one or turning her into a prostitute.

In the opposite situation, the "I suspect she only sucks his cock so she can guilt him into going down on her" one, the statement would not be ridiculous if he'd written Dan saying that he'd never asked for the blowjobs, saying nothing about whether he enjoyed them, and then saying his girlfriend was demanding something he had misgivings about in return.
216
"On some deep level, he's set their relationship up as a business one or turning her into a prostitute."

I suspect NCWTD's boyfriend's thinking on the subject isn't anywhere near so mercantile as that. I suspect that he, being 16, horny, and clueless about respectful sex, simply wants as much action as he can push for. The same motivation explains both the probing and the demands for blowjobs.

He isn't giving her oral sex as a bargaining chip to get oral, he's doing it because she lets him. I seriously doubt that he is going to fold his arms and say "Fine, then no oral for you either," as that would mean reducing their sexual activities even farther. Asking for it in return is just another form of pushing boundaries.

Now, if you ask me, "I'm scared to because I'm scared he will be disappointed" sounds like a smokescreen. (Because between a bad blowjob and no blowjob, the latter is way more disappointing.) I suspect NCWTD actually is uncomfortable with their current level of activity (the operative word being "scared", which got used twice in one sentence) and that was an attempt to put him off for a while without setting a firm boundary. She needs to learn to communicate clearly and set boundaries. He needs to learn to be respectful of her boundaries, but she needs to communicate them truthfully and clearly. "I'm worried that I won't be any good" practically invites a counterargument along the lines of "Well, if you want to be good at it, then get practicing!" By contrast, "I don't want to because I don't want to" is not open to debate.
217
@cocky

That quote was definitely kind of assholey, I agree.

But the idea of using oral sex to get things you want is definitely not unknown to teenage girls, I assure you.

Do I personally view teenage girls and teenage boys differently? Yes. Do I believe that similar behaviour is likely to have different motivations? Yes. Am I a sexist jerk? Maybe.
218
Thanks for all who discussed the blowjob technique ! Educating onself on those matters is soo important - and I hope we'll soon have the pussy eating technique on another Savage Love !

@172 mydriasis : so sorry it looked like bragging. Writing it, it felt more like "at least there's this one thing I know how to do right". The subtility got lost on translation.

And I totally agree with your lips over teeth tip, there's no way otherwise to do away with one's teeth - unless very elderly. Besides, don't resent Hunter78, if someone worshipping his dick is what he does expect from sex, I doubt he's getting any, except from his hand. Otherwise he could go in detail on what he likes or doesn't, right ?

@138 Blackrose : I didn't mean that the foreskin kept covering the glans when fully erect, it does get folded around the ridge, so that it's tricky to visually differentiate between cut and uncut when the penis is not flaccid ; but it's still there, and it seems that playing with it does give very good sensations.

@112 Mthrfckr : hi ! Well I'll try to up the saliva and see what happens. I totally dig the non-thrusting part, sometimes my partner moves a bit to induce a different rythm, but I love being in charge of what happens to his tasty bits.

@110 Learned Hand : thanks for the info on what your cut penis requires ! What you describe does sound more physically taxing than what I practice - especially accomodating the thrusting. By the way, my partner likes me to ease the pressure during orgasm, and to maintain speed on the movements - he says pressure hurts him at that moment, unlike right before it ; while you insist on it. As always, EricaP is right about varying tastes !

As for pussy with a moistened finger, I'm not sold out on that. Even when licked, fingers are too salty so they tend to burn by contact, and they're not soft enough for my taste.

Take care, y'all !
219
@215,

"I suspect she only sucks his cock so she can guilt him into going down on her" worked for my first "real" girlfriend. Then we moved on to PIV sex (for that functionality) (just kidding).

For the record, I seriously doubt any guy just past his first sexual experience of using his penis in someone could be much good in inducing his partner's pleasure without additional means than PIV. I know I wasn't. Thanks again to my partners for teaching me how to do "it".

Peace.
220
Dan, that was very unlike you. you're not snarky, best i can recall. the "earlabia" comment implies that labia are unsightly. they're not to me. but i assume your real criticism would be that labia-looking body art is a fashion faux pas -- just too incongruous on a man's head. like, for example, if a woman modified her nose to look like a penis. your general policy has always been live and let live, though - so this is curiously out of character. the beauty of people's body art is deeply personal and in the eye of the beholder, like all other art. i hope, for your kid's sake, your not becoming stodgy in your old age. is your column transitioning into art criticism?
221
Dan, that was very unlike you. you're not snarky, best i can recall. the "earlabia" comment implies that labia are unsightly. they're not to me. but i assume your real criticism would be that labia-looking body art is a fashion faux pas -- just too incongruous on a man's head. like, for example, if a woman modified her nose to look like a penis. your general policy has always been live and let live, though - so this is curiously out of character. the beauty of people's body art is deeply personal and in the eye of the beholder, like all other art. i hope, for your kid's sake, your not becoming stodgy in your old age. is your column transitioning into art criticism?
222
The man does have a choice. I made mine at 23 and chose to get a vasectomy. The thought of abortion gags me and it is up to each man to decide what he's going to do with his body. I've been a happy fucker ever since.

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