Columns Oct 5, 2011 at 4:00 am

Messed-Up Junk


So where's the link, Dan!?
Uh... I guess Dan would know more about this than me, but what are the odds that a guy who makes homophobic comments would react violently if hit on? Or at the very least be ashamed and angry afterwards? Maybe better to move out, first, and not set up that sort of awkward/dangerous situation when you're stuck living there.
"And you will have a sex life, MUJ, and there is a lot you can do. There are women out there who prefer tongues, toys, and touch to vaginal penetration. On the Savage Lovecast, I took a call from a woman who was worried she would never find a partner because, although she enjoys other kinds of sex, she's physically incapable of vaginal intercourse...."

I was wondering if anyone had the link to this podcast? I'm a woman with a condition called vestibulitis vulvodynia, which means I can't have sex unless I get painful, expensive, and possibly ineffective surgery. It's been freaking me out because I feel like I'll never be able to have a monogamous (or even monogamish) relationship and that whoever I'm with will be perpetually dissatisfied with me. I can't really talk to my friends about it because either A.) they really don't want to hear about my disfunctional vagina or B.) they'll just try to make me feel better("A nice girl like you? You'll find a man who loves you for who you are and won't want to have sex ever!")
I've been interested to hear what Dan has to say about cases like mine--and if there's any hope for people like me. Which it sounds like there is.
Yeah -- link?
Great advice to MUJ but I think 2 makes a good point about the possibility of RAM's roommate reacting violently/negatively. I would move first.
Besides, you don't want to screw your roommate. Make your plans to leave, on your own schedule. Then, when you're all moved out, have him meet you in a public place and have this discussion with him. (Or leave him a letter, with an offer and a link to the site.)

Or, you know, keep this as a really fantastic fantasy to wank off to the rest of your life.
Or, RAM, you could find a humorous way to tell him to knock it off.

Case in point, last week at work...convo on a VHF radio...

Dude: "blah blah, blah blah blah"
Me: "Roger, blah blah blah blah"
Dude: "Roger, thank you darling."
Me: "Do I LOOK like a darling to you?' Over the radio, where everybody on the job site could hear. I'm the only woman on the site, btw.
Dude: "......."

It worked, everybody laughed, afterwards we had a talk about it and I told him politely that being called darling was a hot button of mine, and that was the end of it.

If you call him on it and he quits, problem solved. If you call him on it and he keeps being an uncouth snot rag, move.
i'm pretty sure RAM's letter is the funniest you've run.
@ #3 - Woman with the V.V. condition - I presume you've seen a gyno who specializes in that condition and that you've tried & exhausted all treatment possibilities, short of surgery? If the V.V. condition is not severe, application of Xylocaine may help facilitate the possibility of intercourse.
The advice to MUJ was mostly about how to please potential partners (and how to go get more advice). I was hoping Dan would talk to MUJ about varying the ways that he masturbates, to try to allow his future partners more likelihood of success in getting him off. That's also likely to be important in building a long-term relationship with a woman.
Nocturnomath, I have vestibulitis as well, and I am happily married (four years; together seven). It has affected our sex life (of course), but I have found some treatments (estrogen cream topically every day, and lidocaine topically and hydrocodone before sex) that enable us to engage in vaginal intercourse. For a while, that wasn't happening at all. Being able to talk openly about our sex life and do things other than vaginal intercourse has been key.

I recommend you talk to your doctors about treatment options other than surgery (since you apparently don't want to go that route; neither do I) and get more opinions if you can. I found a pain specialist (anesthesiologist) approached the problem very differently than a gynecologist. Different gynecologists also have different approaches; I have also heard of physical therapists who work with people with vulvodynia.

I wish you well. I know it sucks. But it doesn't mean a happy relationship, including a sex life (even if it's without vaginal penetration), isn't possible for you.
Mummification sounds super dangerous, or am I just not understanding it properly? Wrapping up someone's face with saran wrap and duct tape? Sounds like it would have a serious risk of suffocation, even if you were careful.
@3 Nocturmath- I was diagnosed w/Vestibulitis. I would get into it, but it's the comment section. Long story short, it was caused by being on the same low-dose birth control pills for 8 years. The severe hormonal imbalance gave me pre-menopausal symptoms (I was 23 when the symptoms started). Once I got off the pill, my sex life came back over 6 months. I highly recommend a hormone panel, if you see your doctor. Or, if you don't have insurance like me, you could just go off the pill and use condoms responsibly.

Also, Dan, I know vaginas gross you out, but you should have a specialist on the show, or at least put a call out for one. There are quite a few ladies out there dealing with this and it blows!
@12: Tynan is correct when he says that mummification is extreme play, and you're right, wrapping someone's face can be dangerous. That's why beginners should start where Tynan suggested, from the shoulders down. Most people I know, stop at the knees, and don't even go down to the ankles, at least the first several times. If you want the sensory depravation of loss of sight and hearing etc, there are many bondage hoods made for this purpose, which also allow the bottom the breathe. No one I know who does mummification actually cuts off the bottom's air supply, as one of the appeals of the process is the amount of time you can stay in the bondage once it's done. There are ways to insure that the air passageways are not blocked by plastic or tape, if someone does progress to that stage, but knowledge and experience to do it safely are a requirement in any extreme fetish.

@BIAS: Many spas do something called a body wrap, which is very similar to mummification with different materials. You may try it in a non-sexual situation, and see if you get claustrophobic, before trying it with your boyfriend and getting his hopes up in a sexually charged atmosphere.
Messed Up Junk - do as Dan says! Go to that conference if at all you can. I bet it would be a life-changing experience for you.

BIAS - also good advice there. How awesome that your partner respects your limits. & again, good advice is given. Start small if this intrigues you; don't do anything you're really too freaked out by & have some good kinky fun.

But Dan, I totally disagree with what you said to RAM. His roommate sounds very conflicted, & conflicted guys - even hot, guys who seem like they wanna have cock online - might turn very confrontational if presented with evidence of their hypocrisy while RAM still lives there. I'm not saying don't go for it - I'm just saying, having had some sketchy roommates, that RAM would do better to reveal what he knows, once he's safely living somewhere else. Who knows? They could have a wild fun time. Or, the roomie could flip out & punch RAM, or worse. I'd feel way better about RAM's odds of doing well in this encounter if he didn't share a roof with the Xtube guy when he talked to him about it. RAM, only you know for sure, but this smacks of bad idea to me.
Nocturnomath: I'm certain you can find someone who'd happily be with you, even without vaginal penetration. Especially if you're good with your mouth and/or fine with receiving anal. Unlimited oral and anal would be a dream come true for plenty of guys.

Or, there are lots of guys who'd rather be the penetrate-EE than the penetrator - so if you have a curiosity about pegging, things could work out very well indeed.

I know the stereotype is that PIV is the be-all and end-all...but that's truly just a stereotype. The truth is that there are people with all kinds of preferences. You'll find your match. :)
My addendum to RAM would be to decide whether or not to play the video based on the roommate's reaction to his coming out/calling him on his homophobic remarks.

Because, I think he should be really careful to avoid making it seem like a threat. If his roommate were to interpret his confrontation as, "Hey, you better stop saying that or I'm going to show this video to EVERYONE," things could turn ugly pretty fast.
RAM should enlist a friend. "If anything should happen to me, every social network connection you have will receive links to your videos and pics verifying that your tats are the same as those of the assgaper in said videos."
I've actually never felt compelled to comment on this site before - despite my strong, inexplicable addiction to reading weird problems and Dan's (usually) spot-on advice. Weird or not, I can find plenty of advice pertinent to my own problems in many of his answers to people's questions. Even when I don't agree with Dan, I've never felt I really needed to or should comment. I figured If I did, I'd just hack someone off and/or cause an argument anyway, because - well, because that's just what happens on forums. No matter how carefully you weigh and choose your words - you will typically end up infuriating someone, who will then come at you in a rage of devastating berating, the sheer venom of which suggests that you...killed a unicorn. Or worse. Besides, I'm probably a dumb-ass who doesn't know better advice to give anyway. After all, Dan has a newspaper column and a real website. I don't have those things. Only a madman would think of giving them to me. So who am I to criticize?

But BE THAT AS IT MAY; seriously Dan - if (and I realize that's a big "if" here) IF you ever peek at these comments whipped up by insomniac Sloggers (who really should be working on their thesis right now but screw it) - please consider the possibility that your advice to RAM was considerably off-base. Even if you were drunk, I'm finding it hard to believe that you could toss out that (and only that) advice for RAM's particular question. Were you trying to be satirical and call out a probable troll? If so, you're a genius - but I'm not and he's probably not either, and frankly it's too early in the morning for sorting out riddles of bloody irony. My head's exploding just considering it. Good grief.

RAM carried a heavy troll-vibe for me (can you say literotica, read his letter again) so this probably doesn't even matter. BUT. In the unlikely event that this dude is in earnest, his Xtube-roommate-buddy sounds like a very angry dude, a confused & frustrated (not to mention possibly-closeted) basket case, and a potential tormented lunatic. If nothing else, the Xtube-guy has a decent mean-streak through him; I don't think anyone's going to deny that. This being the case, the likelihood that Xtube would flip right the hell out on RAM if confronted (and, good chance, beat his ass) appears to far outweigh the alternative to my untrained eye. Old Xtube sounds like he could burst a few blood vessels just discovering that someone in his "real" life discovered his secret online escapades, let alone being smugly confronted with embarrassing hypocrisy and getting blatantly hit on by a roommate he didn't even previously realize was gay. A psychologically sounder person would feel a bit unhinged getting smacked with that much lunacy at once. But Xtube? He's like a character written specifically to go bananas in this scenario and lose control on RAM. I really wouldn't risk this one if I were RAM. Homosexuality/homophobia/whatever-this-is are a really REALLY touchy issue to some guys (especially conflicted ones like Xtube), and the two people in question are currently living together - NOT a good time to stir up any strong emotions, really. If it were me, I guess I would come out to Xtube about my own orientation strictly within the context of demanding he stop his offensive jokes. But I wouldn't breathe a word about the Internet findings OR the man-crush yet. Actually not ever, unless the subject somehow came up one day, and didn't seem then like simply bait for me to get my ass kicked. Besides, Dan, aren't you the one who's always saying that guys with c*** fetishes usually AREN'T gay? Particularly the ones who only experience their fetish online, thus still anchored pretty firmly in the fantasy realm? Because from what I've studied, a majority falls into that category. So declaring Xtube gay based on just this detail seems rash. If RAM had seen him in the living room boning another dude, well that would be one thing. But he didn't, and jumping to wild conclusions like you suggested invites some possible serious trouble. I mean, in a big way.

Ah, but the jerk was probably a troll anyway. I've read enough bad Internet erotica to pick out a textbook scenario. Frankly, the only thing missing here is the ballgag. But who knows anymore? Better safe than sorry.
Here's another VV patient in a very happy relationship. Surgery shouldn't be your only option. In a weird coincidence, my best friend and I both have VV (I think it's way more common than anyone realizes). She got the surgery, I didn't, and we both have happy results (she's married, I may as well be). It can be hard searching around for a doctor who really knows what (s)he is talking about though. I've seen at least six or seven and only really felt like one understood. And don't get too into the online forums about it -- the only people there are the miserable ones who aren't off living their happy lives, so the impression you get is that it's not possible.
Good luck!
9 - xylocaine? really? the solution is to find a way for a guy to enjoy her when she can't feel anything? not what it's about, my friend.
Doesn't RAM run the risk of his flatmate being a self-hating type who might get violent?
RAM, do NOT confront this guy while you're still living there! He could destroy your stuff, physically attack you, or just generally make life miserable for you until you move out. Get out of there - THEN bring it up.

Also, the moment you do, he'll probably delete his account and deny everything. Better to move out, come back over to hang, then tell him you're gay and ask him where the homophobic comments are coming from. Engage him in conversation. Slowly, slowly lead to the XTube evidence; don't give it up early.
I'd shut up if you don't know anything about VV. (if you do have a vaginal pain condition, I apologize).
Keep the faith MUJ. Sex is about *much* more than body parts. When there's some connection or love, body parts, physical quirks, etc. fall by the wayside and, at the risk of sounding too new-agey, it becomes a spiritual/primitive thing. You may have a harder time finding someone, but you will find someone.
When a Stranger Comes: "The ass-stretching amateur porn is coming from inside the apartment!"

Thank you Mr. Savage. Once again you have made me laugh out loud.
@27 yeah. me too. lol. that's one of the funniest things i've read in quiet awhile.

Great advice to MUJ. As an intersexed person, attending my first conference and meeting other women with the same condition I did was the most life changing event I could conceive of. It doesn't make the challenges and problems go away, but it completely alters how you face them. Having someone to talk to that gets where you are coming from when you feel so isolated and marginalized is huge! It gets better! Good luck, MUJ!
I wanted to thank Dan for the response to Messed-Up Junk and to provide further encouragement. I only have one of the conditions, hypospadias, but it has not been a significant barrier. Through childhood corrective surgeries, it wasn't as bad as it could have been but upon anything other than a cursory glance it was clear that my equipment "was not Normal." Through lots of foreplay and oral I would make sure that it was easy for my ladyfriends to overlook.

While you have additional conditions, take heart from this: I had to have an additional, two part corrective survey as an adult to construct a new urethra after I suffered blockages, and part one involved a skin graft and my penis being butterflied like a pork chop. I was extremely fearful initially that my long term partner was not going to want any part of my deformed-for-a-year penis, but found that our relationship easily sustained the issue, including the lengthy period when I couldn't use my penis at all. I guess I'm saying that it's possible to meet the right partner to both give and receive pleasure regardless if any physical issues.
# 3 nocturnalmath: i worked at a pain clinic where one of our patients had the same condition as yours...she even gave a speech at a panel discussion with some of our other patients, and we admired her courage and knowledge...she was receiving help at our clinic without succombing to surgery..good luck
I wanted to thank Dan for the response to Messed-Up Junk and to provide further encouragement. I only have one of the conditions, hypospadias, but it has not been a significant barrier. Through childhood corrective surgeries, it wasn't as bad as it could have been but upon anything other than a cursory glance it was clear that my equipment "was not Normal." Through lots of foreplay and oral I would make sure that it was easy for my ladyfriends to overlook.

While you have additional conditions, take heart from this: I had to have an additional, two part corrective survey as an adult to construct a new urethra after I suffered blockages, and part one involved a skin graft and my penis being butterflied like a pork chop. I was extremely fearful initially that my long term partner was not going to want any part of my deformed-for-a-year penis, but found that our relationship easily sustained the issue, including the lengthy period when I couldn't use my penis at all. I guess I'm saying that it's possible to meet the right partner to both give and receive pleasure regardless if any physical issues.

Talk with your boyfriend about your kinks. Don't text. You might find out that what he wants is not nearly as extreme as the stuff you've seen online.
@3 Speaking as a straight man with no conditions which prevent "normal" PIV sex, I just don't care much about penetration. I would not see the condition you mentioned as a serious impediment to pursuing a sexual relationship with someone I was attracted to, not at all.

I'm probably not typical, but I'm not that unusual, either. There are plenty of guys out there who will accept you as you are.
I'm with those who warned not to confront roommate with the video evidence, until he's a roommate no longer.

When I read Dan's advice, I immediately flashed on the possibility of violence occurring.

Anyone that crazily in the closet, may not be all there, as well as feeling threatened by his own desires.

I'd recommend calling him on his bullshit in a public place, preferably a public place with security guards somewhere nearby.

(For instance, our public library has security guards, although in a pretty nice little city, and a cafe in the courtyard. And I've used it for meeting strangers for business, rather than my home office.)

If not for the potential of violence, I'd say Starbucks, but who's going to stop crazy shit roommate if he goes ballistic? A barista?
RAM - Additionally, leave the cameras on and send Dan a link to the channel to share.

To the people worried about the roommate being violently homophobic... Possible, for sure. At the same time, the roommate has not yet been uncomfortable enough to want to move out, and in fact seems to not be a big deal to RAM. Now, I'm assuming they are both on the younger side, but I know plenty of gay men who will occasionally make homophobic remarks, particularly older ones. It happens when these types of comments are so prevalent in society, sometimes you grow up with certain views, and being gay yourself doesn't stop you from commenting on people who are, you know, GAY gay.
I disagree with the advice to RAM. On the next homophobic comment, I'd do the "I'm gay and I don't appreciate it," part and leave it there. If the guy doesn't cut it out, past time to find a new roommate.

I'd worry about the potential for violence in a more direct confrontation. But if I *had* to point out that I knew about his tapes, I think it would be more than enough to mention the "body work" as opposed to actually playing a tape.
I'm wondering how homophobic the comments were? Was he just saying "oh that's so gay", making fun of one of the flaming narcissists on the Style channel, or are we talking about seriously hateful comments?

I'm not making excuses for the guy, but knowing where his comments fall on the spectrum would shed some light on the situation.
Could RAM find a way to engage the roommate online in an anonymous way, say as a fan of his work? Then over time, drop clues to his identity only the roommate would get until there is an "I know you know I know" scenario going on and then presto, super hot man sex ensues...

uhh, I have to go be alone now...
Does no one have a problem with RAM's not telling his roommate he's gay? I'm a gay man and I would want to know, gay or straight or otherwise, who I'm living with. To my mind, two closet cases have found each other. No?

Mummification? Um. No. "Nevah-nevah-nevah!"
I REALLY hope we get a follow-up letter from RAM. I want to know how it all goes down!
@3 I had the same condition and I never had to go through surgery. My Ob/Gyn did recommend surgery (removing my hymen), but I didn't do it. I went to pelvic physiotherapy and it has helped me immensely. I can have painless sex and I know how to fix the problem myself if it comes back through muscle exercises and stretches. I would strongly recomment you look into physio first. Ask your gynecologist for a referral to a physiotherapist who deals specifically with pelvic issues and if that gynecologist can't help you, try finding someone else.
For me it's the rather wide distance betwen homophobic commentary and the nature of his "bedroom activity" which he *has* to know will be constructed accordingly. That's a mighty big river there, that I wonder would go off.

It might not. But I'd still do part A first to see what happens, rather than the whole hog Dan recommended.
Dear Dan, can we PLEASE hear about it if RAM ever tells you how that conversation went? In fact, I think this is too good a story to let it pass... I'm already laughing my ass off at the prospect, and humour is so rare in your column as of late. You should totally check with him.
I've just gotta add, though I'm sure a bunch of SL readers will jump on me for being a party pooper:

Considering the plague of disposable plastic choking our planet, wrapping bodies in Saran wrap for sex play seems like an awfully wasteful thing to do.

Is there an eco-friendly alternative?
I've just gotta add, though I'm sure a bunch of SL readers will jump on me for being a party pooper:

Considering the plague of disposable plastic choking our planet, wrapping bodies in Saran wrap for sex play seems like an awfully wasteful thing to do.

Is there an eco-friendly alternative?
Maybe the roommate should contact big hole first through xtube.
@46 Perhaps reusable ace bandages?
MUJ: All the best to you. I hope it works out--there's someone for you.

Re: BIAS & @46: I don't do this myself, but how about light weight scarves?At least they're washable and colorful.

Hmmm.. yeah. RAM, I'm with @23 & @24: maybe it's best if you're not living with this guy when and if you bring up the anal porn / homophobic comments.

Thanks for another great column, Dan!
i'm a queer female who mostly sleeps w/ woman. i'm totally attracted to men physically, but don't really wanna date them AND i don't really like a lot of penetration. so I'd LOVE to have a one night stand with MUJ or someone like him! a micropenis sounds like it would feel great to me--and i'd totally be down for oral (in both directions), which i wouldn't at all on a full-sized dick.
I'm adding my plea for a column about women who find vaginal intercourse painful! I've suffered my whole life and have met with nothing but derision from doctors. I thought I was a freak. Not long ago, by sheer accident, I found out about VV was was astonished to learn that up to 15% of women find penetration painful.
Mummification can also cause overheating and dehydration if the person is wrapped up too long. Also, keeping the nose and mouth clear is a must. Suffocation is no fun.
I just have to chime in that, among the romance authors, HEA stands for "Happily Ever After," the traditional ending. I just love that the acronym for the Hypospadias and Epispadias Association is HEA. After all, each one of us deserves one.
I'm usually pretty comfortable with Dan's advise, but not in RAM's case. Confronting this guy sounds like a really good way of provoking an attack by a self-loathing homophobe. I'm with @23, @24, and @49, but more alarmist. Be VERY careful about what buttons you push, regardless of how desperately you'd like to push them.
I'm glad lots of readers called Dan on his potentially DANGEROUS advice to RAM. That scenario seems as likely to end in a knifing as in a fucking.
Wait a second. BIAS writes in asking if it's okay that she does NOT want to try mummification with her partner, and the answer she gets is: "That's fine! Here's how you should go about doing it anyway." Not helpful. She already said no. Time to move on.

I wonder if there are watered-down versions of this kink that may be less threatening for her but still hold some appeal for her boyfriend. Such as letting him wrap up only her arms and/or legs - individually, or legs bound together, or arms bound to her body. And they should use cloth strips or bandages rather than anything plastic or adhesive that might be unsafe and painful to her.

As she says they've only tried handcuffs so far, I also recommend Japanese rope bondage. It can involve some elaborate wrapping and looping, which may appeal to the boyfriend. Could be a fun way for them to "graduate" from basic handcuff play.

I'm sure the possibilities go on and on.
@22 Xylocaine/lidocaine is a topical anesthetic that only numbs the surface of the skin, while for most women having sensation in the skin of the vulva is a good thing (though not for those with VV) it's only a portion of sexual sensation from PiV. A lot of clitoral and vaginal sensation is deeper than a topical anesthetic is going to numb.
#3-I have a normal penis and normal sex drive and much prefer oral and foreplay to just "wham bam, thank you ma'am" sex. Be upfront with prospective partners and you'll meet a guy who thinks he just won the girlfriend lotto.
All the best of luck to MUJ. I'm a straight woman with a retroverted uterus - something that at least one in five women have - and my cervix never gets very high up no matter how turned on I am. My husband has a pretty average-sized penis, and it's very easy for him to knock me during sex, which hurts in a bad way. I love the guy and we have a great time, but I do like vigorous fucking and the knocking can be a real nuisance.

Find a woman like me (and we're commoner than you'd think) and a micropenis might turn out to be an advantage!
@56, she didn't ask permission to say no, she asked: "Is there anything I can do to get over being terrified?" So, yes, people have been making suggestions for watered-down versions of the kink. Just as you did, in the second part of your post.
The sort of "mummification" BIAS describes IS dangerous. There have been documented cases of people dying from encasing their whole, or even the vast majority, of their body in duct tape/saran wrap, or other non-porus materials. Even if her FACE is left unwrapped, she stands a very real chance of suffocation, since the SKIN needs to breath as well. Doing something like this for more than a very brief period is incredibly dangerous (one case involved only a few hours of "mummification").

And this:

"(When a Stranger Comes: "The ass-stretching amateur porn is coming from inside the apartment!")"

Thanks for making my day, Dan :)

Dan Savage, I LOVE you!

You could write a column focusing on only popular sex problems and dilemnas, and not touch anything like this and have a happy career.

I love you because you took the time to advocate for this guy with hypospadias and other problems and gave him resources to help him connect and give him hope...

And the gift you've given me, was the opportunity to remember that compared to SO many people, I DON'T KNOW WHAT A FRICKIN' PROBLEM IS, most of the time....

bless you, (in a pantheistic way)

James "Shoes" Walker
#25 - yes i have had a condition, thanks for asking. it was successfully treated. i would not have settled for a treatment that allowed someone to have sex with me but gave me none of the joys of having sex.
#51 - keep looking for a decent doctor. they're out there. sorry there are so many quacks and assholes.
#56 - yeah, i wondered if anyone else felt there were mixed messages in that answer ;0
As a card carrying flag waving out and proud pervert, I'd like to add a little note to Because I Am Scared. If you definitely do not want to try mummification then by all means don't. If you feel bad, consider letting him explore this fetish with someone else. Maybe you guys could check out the local fetish scene and make friends with other kinksters that share your interests. Then you might be able to try some things with guys who are into things your partner isn't as well as letting him explore mummification with someone who will get off on it. One huge word of caution, while mummification "sounds fun" it should not be attempted unless he knows what he is doing. Talk openly about his issues and don't chastise him if he's been exploring this online or through conversations with other people. Mummification gone wrong can cause suffocation, blood restriction to the extremities that could eventually lead to nerve damage and when covering up the face he would need to constantly be monitoring the sub's breathing. It's not something you do and leave a person alone for hours on end.

So, if your fear comes with a hint of curiosity and excitement, learn all you can about this type of play and begin slowly. If it is nothing but a turn off then consider letting him do his own exploring. In either case, just make sure he knows what he's doing.

~Pup Don
Oh, and by the way Dan. I work for a porn company called Randy Blue and we did do a movie called "When a Stranger Cums". Great minds think alike.

You're awesome. I never miss a podcast. Keep up the good work! ;)

~Pup Don
Re RAM: I too think the advice is potentially dangerous. I also believe that a person--even an asshole--who posts videos online is entitled to have his privacy respected. (I also find it to be an AMAZING coincidence that this guy found this video channel.)

Re BIAS: As with any other kink, ease into it. And of course you don't cover air passages. I think common sense would tell you that.

Re women with "messed up junk": I prefer oral to vaginal intercourse. Not just a little bit either. I love receiving head from a talented woman and I love giving head all night long. I would be fine with a sexual relationship which was oral-only. I know I'm not the only one.
Just to chime in on the Captain Obvious side of things, I hope BIAS has a pair of EMT scissors (…). They're cheap and really should be at hand whenever you do bondage of any kind. And *especially* if you decide to be very, very generous and take the "try it anyway" advice.
Just wanted to say there are a lot of very good unregistered comments in this thread, for those who have them blocked
My issue:
I used to really like a guy and we hung out with some friends one day but then i started to loose my feelings for him b/c of the way he acted. I saw a more immature side of him that I don't like. I don't expect him to change b/c that would be too much to ask but I started to not like him as much.
Then on weds during lunch he asked me to go out with him. It wasn't in private and it was in front of a bunch of friends. So I felt pressured and said Yes.
Now Im stuck. I know for sure that i don't like him. Its been so awkward.I was going to tell him this the day after but the day after was his birthday (so i made him cookies).

He thinks that I'm just being awkward b/c I don't know how to be a girlfriend, but I do I just dont want to act like a girlfriend to him to lead him on.

I decided to give it a week but now its too awkward for me b/c he really likes me but i dont like him.

How do i break up with him with out hurting him too much? WHat should I say? I thought that I would say " I think we should just be friends..."
Is that too typical?
@61: Humans don't breathe through their skin.…
For anyone with unusual needs - micropenis, etc - please don't underestimate those partners who find it gratifying to meet the needs of others. Intimate relationships are so individual and mysterious and there really is a lid for every pot if you get out there and make yourself known. The biggest impediment is shame.
@73, just speak up for yourself and say that it's not working out. (Or you could take the 'fraidy-cat approach and ask a friend to tell him the same thing.) Either way, let him know. You're not doing him any kindness by stringing him along.
MUJ sounds remarkably well adjusted given the gravity and seriousness of his issue: "Women are attracted to me...Sexual situations are presenting." My advice: Don't back away from the one-night stands. Just make her cum first- and then with girl spooj dripping down your chin you can have... the talk. If she runs screaming just hit the 'next' button.

For the serious relationship potential you could dribble it out a tiny bit at a time (pun intended). Before she grabs for your cock you might need to explain about the micropenis but all the other medical condition explanations should be able to wait.

It is refreshing in a big way to have somebody with such serious issues (compared to the douchebaggery issues we often get). He is handling it so logically and with such maturity I think he is going to do just fine. Besides, after your married for a few years the girl-cum-wife is going to cut down the sex to almost nothing anyway so he is already ready to get married...

Mummifaction sounds hot- not horny hot, but sweaty hot. I thought it was sweet how the girlfriend feels awful about denying her man. Don't worry, with practice it will get easier and easier until it is more common than not and you don't feel a twinge of guilt. You can even derive sadistic pleasure in denying pleasure to your husband for any real (or imagined) transgressions.

Dan may have dropped the ball on RAM but he might also know more than we do about RAM's situation. Maybe the 'homophobic comments' were pretty innocuous? Anyway, from what was published the roommate sounds like a self hating fag who could get violent if he is directly challenged. I like the seduction route somebody suggested. Send him an anonymous e-mail complimenting him on his "work" and go from their but be careful IMHO.
On the subject of female 'messed-up junk', just wondering if there's anyone out there who has undergone surgery, as I have? My problem wasn't congenital, but was caused by the treatment necessary for a childhood cancer (when I was about 6 mths old) - part of my vagina needed to be removed, making sex completely impossible until I had reconstructive surgery (which I had at the age of 21). Even having had surgery, there was no guarantee that things would work out, and it may comfort some of the posters above to know that my partner and I were together for almost a year before any PIV happened - and for him, it also wasn't a dealbreaker - there are plenty of other things you can do! (However, I can completely understand the frustration described by posters above. At very many points during my school- and college years, I felt like I would never ever be capable of having a relationship.) Things did work out in the end and we've now been married for over a year and enjoy a very active sex-life. However, there are still things that cause problems: insecurity about being so different, pain, problems with certain positions, etc. I feel like it's a long-shot, but I would really be interested to hear from others who have gone through something similar, to see how they deal with this stuff (both emotional and physical).
@73: Next time you see him, say this: 'You're a great guy and I like you as a friend, but I've decided that don't feel this relationship will be right for me and I don't want to string you along. I want to finish things, and I'm sorry for hurting you. If you want to stay friends I'd be happy to you, but it's your call.'

If he wants to know why, don't get into a negotiation. It sounds like you have difficulty saying things that people don't want to hear, and if you discuss it too long, you'll be at risk of feeling pressured to give it another go, which wouldn't be fair to either of you. Just say firmly and gently, 'I just feel being your friend rather than your girl/boyfriend is what's right for me,' and stick to that.

The thing is, you are going to hurt him at least a bit by finishing with him. If you don't feel what he wants you to feel, there's pain in the future for him somewhere. But that's not your fault, and it's not your responsibility to shield him from it: we all get knocked around looking for love, and we just have to deal with it.

It's nice that you're concerned not to hurt him, but for your own safety, you'd be well advised to get some confidence about turning people down or breaking off with them. Your right not to be with someone you don't want matters more than their right not be disappointed (though you don't have to be a jerk about it). Try reading Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear on turning people down: being too 'polite', to the point of being unclear, can actually be dangerous because it attracts guys who have control issues and are looking for people who can be pressured out of a 'no'.

Hurting people for no reason is bad. Hurting somebody a bit because you don't want to be with them is unavoidable, and you need to be able to do it without feeling like a bad person for your own protection. Good luck.
Great column this week Dan. Reminds me of the old days.

Just reading about that mummification makes me fucking claustrophobic! Fuck that shit.

Also, something about the last letter feels phony to me. What are the odds of a gay guy stumbling across his seemingly straight room mate's porn videos of him fucking himself with a dildo on some random tube site. Sounds more like a fantasy than someone in need of advice!
Remember kids if your short on dick be long on lick.
I love you, Dan, and rarely disagree with you. But your advice to RAM seems totally off the mark. Someone so out of touch with his own sexuality (making homo jokes while making homo videos) suggests he is not ready to socially come out of the closet. I just hope this guy doesn't get violent if RAM takes Dan's advice.
Happy Birthday Dan!
Dan, thank you for posting information on HEA along with Tiger's wise words. An organization working for the civil rights of infants and teenagers like MUJ will be in attendance in Chicago at HEA's conference, Advocates for Informed Choice We look forward to seeing everyone there!
Dan, thank you for posting information on HEA along with Tiger's wise words. An organization working for the civil rights of infants and teenagers like MUJ will be in attendance in Chicago at HEA's conference, Advocates for Informed Choice We look forward to seeing everyone there!
@82: Although I think Dan is usually spot on, I agree with what you're saying. I was a little surprised by his advice to RAM, too.

Nonetheless, all the best, Dan, Happy Birthday, and eat lots of cake!!
@11 -- If you're taking hydrocodone before sex every time, then I'm a little concerned for you. Depending on how often you're doing the deed, you could end up with a pretty serious addiction. If you need prescription strength medication for your condition (and I'm sure you do, as I've had sex on hydrocodone and it doesn't add to the experience unless it's necessary!) make sure that your doctor changes up the exact medication regularly -- if he switches you between classes of medication, you can probably stave off any addiction issues.

To MuJ--

You may not be able to have casual one-night flings as easily as most, but those are overrated and often regretted during the next hangover anyway. But don't let your genital difference stop you from going out on dates and looking for the right person for you. There are many women out there who will accept you and love you the way you are. I can honestly say that if I had found out my fiance was in the same situation as you are when we started having sex, it would have given me pause only long enough to consider logistics. It wouldn't have stopped me from loving him or wanting to have sex with him.

Lead with your heart instead of your dick, and with time and a little luck you'll find someone who will love and appreciate both, I promise.
Nocturnomath - After going to several doctors who would not listen to my symptoms and would tell me things like "Oh, you are just nervous .. have some wine," I was diagnosed with vestibulitis and had the surgery. It took a long time to get over the psychological hurdle to allow penetration .. I was afraid that it might still hurt ... but in the end, with some "practice" with dildos and vibrators and a lot of patience on the part of my husband, I have "full use" of my vagina!! The surgery is not for everyone, but I thought you would like to know of one successful story!

I will say that even during the years that I had the pain, I had a very full sex life and learned lots of fun techniques to please my husband without vaginal penetration. Now when we have sex, we still enjoy all of those "alternatives"!
MUJ: you're wrong that "casual sex/flings will never be an option" for you. The drunken college hook-up I remember most fondly was a foxy anarchist pretty-boy Canadian with what I now realize were a micropenis and excellent communication skills. His junk did indeed strike me as bizarre, but no mention was made of it until after he'd adroitly made me come at least once, at which point I offered to fuck and he politely declined, saying he didn't generally get stiff enough to do that. He later wrote me a really lovely I'd-do-that-again letter, we became firmer friends, and the main reason our casual sex didn't become a casual fling was because at the time I happened to be a little too immature and messed-up to pursue interpersonal happiness.

Point being: if women find you attractive, your sex-drive is skyrocketing, and sexual situations keep presenting themselves, you're in clover. You'll want to acquire some technique, and increase your comfort-level with your sexual self. You may prefer to target women who (like college-age me) are bi and/or comfortable with strangeness and/or (unlike collage-age me) have nifty communication skills themselves -- they're less likely to freak out, and more likely to provide useful technical tips & feedback. If you accidentally start messing around with an ill-mannered size/normalcy-queen who makes you feel like crap -- well, feeling like crap afterwards is a common side effect of one-night stands even for us folks with conventional genitalia (which is part of what made Foxy Canadian Boy such a pleasant exception).
Thank you everyone for your suggestions! They really helped me out!

"Nocturnomath, I have vestibulitis as well, and I am happily married (four years; together seven). It has affected our sex life (of course), but I have found some treatments (estrogen cream topically every day, and lidocaine topically and hydrocodone before sex) that enable us to engage in vaginal intercourse."

I do have something called triamcinolone acetonide cream--is that the estrogen cream you were talking about? Also, how do you use lidocaine without it getting on your husband's penis? How hard is it to get a prescription for hydrocodone for vestibulitis vulvodynia? And how do you prevent inflammation after sex? That's always the worst part for me--the last couple of times I had sex it was so painful I couldn't get out of bed for a few days.
And sorry if my questions were a bit graphic. But I don't have insurance anymore so I can't really talk to a doctor (and some doctors don't know what they're talking about when it comes to v.v. anyway) and it's not like I can just go to a party and say, "hey, let me tell you all about my inflamed vagina! Anyone got any pointers?" So it looks like the internet is my only source of information.
What does the standard doctor know about sexual problems with a medical base? Is this taught in medical school? Would a primary care/family physician even know what specialist to recommend a patient to?

Imagine an 18 year old is a good student, wants to help people, and wants to go to medical school. He studies hard. He goes to college. He has a number of sexual experiences in college. He's responsible and knows about birth control and the regular STDs. He wears a condom. He gets into medical school. He does his internship in internal medicine. He goes to work in a clinic or joins a practice. Picture a relatively small town or even a medium sized city.

In the course of giving babies vaccines, treating sniffles, counseling on weight and blood pressure and diabetes, he gets patients who ask him about sex. One woman has painful intercourse. Another isn't lubricating. A third wonders about her sex drive during peri-menopause. Several have terrible menstrual cramps or pre-menstrual syndrome. A woman is sexually active but doesn't orgasm. A man isn't sure if he has pre-mature ejaculation or not. Another man is worried because he's afraid his fantasies might mean he's gay.

Is there anything in the medical curriculum he might have come across that would help him direct these patients to people who can help? Or does he brush off each of these as psychological? Insurance or lack is another story altogether. Let's say the patient has insurance or is willing to pay out of pocket. Under the best of circumstances, what do doctors know? The questions I'm seeing in this comments section let me know that we don't even know what sort of specialist to ask for.
@87: Hmm, yeah. That is concerning too. I don't know if I want to take a powerful painkiller every time I have sex.
@93 Crinoline: Good grief, Charlie Brown, that pretty much covered all the female problems I'm seeking advice about! Yeah. You've got me there, about not having a clue about what specialist to ask for.

My gynecologist just prescribed me some lubricant, so I hope it helps.
At least my latest pelvic exam results came back normal, so I won't be making another scheduled appointment for another year. At least I don't have to worry about having my boobs squished. Yet.
"But I don't have insurance anymore so I can't really talk to a doctor"

That's awful.
I'm assuming you're American?
I thought you guys were getting universal healthcare...
95- AuntieG-- When I was younger, it was so easy to throw around medical advice. (Naproxen for menstrual cramps! Bee pollen for hayfever!) Now that I know more, I'm more reticent to recommend anything to anyone. (Do you really want my advice on diabetes or cancer? Everything I know on the subject is from reading magazines and listening to friends complain.) So I ask what doctors know because I get the idea they're sharing urban legends too. (Try fantasizing. Yeah, right.) And yet I recommend doctors. (30 years ago I dated a man with a terrible premature ejaculation problem. Or rather, he didn't see it as a problem, and my efforts to communicate that it was went nowhere. He went on to medical school. I've often wondered if he learned anything on the subject there and what he'd tell patients who came in asking about it.) I recognize a disconnect in the logic. I don't think doctors know much, but I continue to think they can help.

AuntieG-- Have you asked your GYN for a recommendation for a GYN who specializes in peri-menopause? That lubricant, does it contain estrogen? I'm convinced (though see above about how I can throw around advice when I don't know much on the subject) that your problems stem from declining estrogen levels, but your doctor is reticent to prescribe it because of its association with cancer. Estrogen straight to the vagina can be a way (I've heard) to avoid that problem.

Here's more on variation-- Some women complain about mammograms. I'd say they don't have to hurt. The compression is considerably less than you get with an arm band for blood pressure, and it takes even less time. It's just a quick squeeze, more awkward than anything else and not necessarily terribly awkward. But I know some women say they hurt a lot. I don't know what accounts for the difference.
@97 Crinoline: Thanks for the advice. I appreciate getting the opinions of others concerning medical symptoms and possible solutions because someone might know something I don't. And I don't know too much about medical science other than what I've personally experienced already. I like your idea of requesting a gynecologist who specializes in peri-menopause. I'll check it out.

Estrogen and birth control are not effective forms of medication for me, however. Thankfully, my newly prescribed vaginal lubricant is estrogen-free. I have had trouble with producing too much estrogen in the past, with rather unpleasant consequences, so I'm a little skittish about fully buying into the "just take your estrogen, and you'll be fine" diagnosis. Birth control pills are not beneficial for me, either, as my blood pressure skyrocketed dangerously when I was on Ortho-Novum 777 in the U.S. Navy. Despite having to battle my butt off to stop taking birth control, and repeatedly facing bad advice from local quacks where I was stationed: "It's all in [your] head" / "Oh, you just THINK that's a side effect!" ad nauseum, my body weight and blood pressure DID return to normal once I was off the questionable medication.

Additionally, mammograms are NOT what I'd call spending a fun day at the beach! I have a good sized chest, and the procedure hurt like hell! Standing still for what seems like an eternity while someone else has you clamped to a cold machine shooting pictures of your inner veins hasn't done anything for me but put braces on some radiologist's kid's teeth when each annual screening came up negative. So I elected to wait until age 50 for my next mammogram exam. Personally, I'd prefer skipping this procedure altogether. I'm also concerned with radiation exposure accumulated on an annual basis.
As a woman who was once surprised by a guy with a penis under 2 inches, the best thing you can do is, as Dan says, develop your communication skills. I was completely shocked and confused, I didn't realize this condition existed and was quite young.

If the guy I was with had explained it, I would've had a totally different reaction. I really liked him and I would've enjoyed hooking up with him in all sorts of ways.

You'll end up being such a better lover and partner than a lot of guys your age which will win you a higher quality of love in the end.
@99: Right on!!
@103: Holy fuck, the same thing happened to me! Recommended as though it was as simple as getting a shot. Never went back to that guy!
@102 cockyballsup: Boy, can I relate, at least on being shamefully misdiagnosed by the so-called medical "experts"!
I guess that's why they call it a "practice"---enough times before they finally get it right?
@87 - Realistically my husband and I only have vaginal intercourse (and thus I only take hydrocodone) about once a month. It's embarrassing to admit this because we are a young couple and "should" be doing it like bunnies, but the vestibulitis has definitely affected the frequency of vaginal intercourse. We engage more frequently in other forms of sexual activity.

Now to respond to some of nocturnomath's questions. I am somewhat uncomfortable going into so much detail on here, but I can't figure out a way to send nocturnomath a private message. Please let me know if there is a way to do that.

The regimen that I have currently allows me to have sex with minimal pain, but it is not perfect. The estrogen (premarin) applied daily has made a huge difference, because I used to tear every time I had sex (and it got bad enough to tear even from daily activity as well). The estrogen thickened the skin so that I don't tear, which helps tremendously.

The lidocaine and hydrocodone address the other types of pain. The lidocaine does come in contact with my husband's penis, but I think it has less of an effect on him because most of the penis is not mucous membrane like the vagina. It's important to apply plenty of lube, because the lidocaine does make it harder to tell if I am dry.

As far as inflammation, have you tried taking an anti-inflammatory like ibuprofen before intercourse? (Caveat: I am not a doctor.)

Another important factor is how long we have vaginal intercourse. We can't go for a really long time or I'll be really sore afterwards. The inflammation and pain is less if we get close to orgasm before he actually enters me.

The hydrocodone was prescribed by an anesthesiologist at a pain clinic. It is definitely sort of a nuclear option, but without it I was unable to have vaginal intercourse at all.

Like I said, this is obviously not ideal. I have hope that the situation will improve. We are planning to have children at some point, and pregnancy sometimes improves this condition greatly, sometimes permanently. We are also moving soon to an area where there is a large university center focused on pelvic pain treatment, and it looks like they have some approaches I haven't tried.

Finally, I'm very intrigued by what Rojo SD @13 said about birth control pills. I have been on them for more than ten years, and no one has ever suggested that they could play a role in this. I plan on going off of them to see if there is an effect.

Despite the frustrating effects of the VV on our sex life, I want to emphasize to nocturnomath that my relationship with my husband is very strong. Good communication about the problem and willingness to engage in alternative activities goes a long way. Even if the VV isn't treatable, even if sexual intercourse is rare or impossible, it is possible to find a partner with whom you have a satisfying relationship, sexual and otherwise.

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