Columns Jan 11, 2012 at 4:00 am

Ex Guy to the Next Guy

Comments

1
The problem here it TOO FUCKING MUCH COCANE combined with a few 40's of St Ides.

Or maybe not enough.
2
Huh. I like this one.
3
Quite refreshing to see the dumpee caring so much about the dumper's future. Little else to occupy his life, I guess.
4
White people problems
5
For once, @1 may have nailed it.
6
This is weird to run a threat of violence in I, Anonymous, at the same time as there is a big article about Occupy Seattle not being nonviolent.

@3 did you mean to suggest the OP is an ex-Occupier?
7
uh. wut?
8
"Pants-wearing" is an insult now? This guy must be a hipster living on Capital Hill.
Although the learn Spanish b/c I'm not allowed back in Mexico part was pretty funny.
9
Wow, what a douche. Your red-headed hurricane sure missed out on a prize-winning twit.
10
this guy needs to write a screenplay .
11
Get over her, I,A. Her life is none of your business.
12
I don't see why anyone would have a problem with this. The guy is responding to being dumped for someone else with humor and concern for his former girlfriend. If only more people took rejection in stride.
13
I can see why a redheaded hurricane would inspire such post-break-up jealousy, but I'm just a guy who thinks Neko Case and Rachel Flotard are the most beautiful women on the planet. So sue me. But the threat of violence is mostly wrong because its cartoon references are so lame. Nell, Dudley Do-right's gal, was a blond, not a redhead. The proper reference would be some mortal foe of Fred Flintstone, since Wilma was a redhead. C'mon, this ain't rocket science.

And the meteorological metaphor reminds me of Steve Earle's comment (overheard at a party I was at where he was in attendance); "What's the difference between an Alabama redhead and a tornado? With the redhead, only one guy will lose his trailer."
14
They are called "plugs" not "gauges". The word gauge refers to size. And also for the record, it's called "stretching" your ears not "gauging" them. And no, I don't have my ears (or anything else) pierced.
15
Re: Not being allowed back in mexico. Sweet dancing jeebus, what the hell does it take to not be allowed back into Mexico?!
16
This is hilarious! And at least he knows he's not being rational. But I still can't figure out how "pants-wearing" is an insult...especially directed at a guy?!
17
yeah um, i can see why she dumped you, irrational, obsessed, prone to violence. also, your lack of pants made dating you difficult. we all know you were willing to go out sans pants, it just makes getting into places and getting served a wee bit difficult. no shirt, no shoes, no dice ring a bell? it's a given you wear pants out of the house
18
@14 - So "gauges" are ear plugs? I was wondering about that... Not really into the face piercing and body disfigurement thing.
19
#11 FTW.
20
Move on, Muttley.
21
@4, How exactly is this a problem exclusive to white people?

@8 and @16, he wears the proverbial pants in the relationship. At least, that's what I got out of it.
22
@21 in regards to 4, exactly! Maybe they, he, she, it should have said "white pretty Boy." Are people so ashamed of their heritage that white is now an insult?

What's with the water ballons; is this a body eliminating secret?
24
Hydrogen Balloons ~ http://jamesyawn.com/whiz/hydrogen.htm
"They float, they explode."

Think it might be a Fight Club reference perhaps..?
25
Ahahahahahahaah. I loved this. Who hasn't felt this mad at some point? Life's not fair and it's ok to be pissed about that sometimes. Especially if you deal with it by writing a letter and then letting it go. Good luck!
26
I don't think Anonymous is her former boyfriend. He's a guy who wanted to date her and got shot down:
I concede, I lost. She told me she was not dating, and I failed to realize she meant she isn't dating ME.
He "lost" at getting into her pants. He asked her out and she said "I'm not dating" in an attempt to let him down gently. Then she dated a guy she was actually attracted to.

The Stranger intern who titled this rant got it wrong. He's not a dumpee; just a loser.
27
@20 For the win.
28
Funny, but violent.
I second @23's "kilt wearer" analysis. (Women don't usually use "your gauges make you look Gay" as an insult), and violence is more popular with dudes, statistically speaking.
Also, it makes sense that a kilt wearer would go for a redhead.
29
Anon,

Whether or not they get married or stay together is not really any of your business. She made a choice to keep you out of her life. What she does and who she does it with is not your business....even if the guy hurts her. Twilight's Edward and Bella are not a romantic couple. Don't model yourself after them.
30
She is not *your* redheaded hurricane. Back off before she neuters you, champ.
31
@22: He may have been referring to putting lye in the water balloons, but his efforts to make his statements sound intimidating just make them broken, unrelated statements.
32
Maybe he's English. In this case, "pants" means "panties."
33
10, 12 & 32 are on the money. That was so good.
34
Dude-
You made sure to let the other guy know "the ring" was obligatory. If you realy mean that the rest of these lonely, sex-strapped shut ins' comments mean nothing. Better to have loved and lost ect. You'll drown yourself for too long if you don't exclaim your love for this woman now. Your anger and rage is authentic, primordial, human, honest, true and justifiable. You are a man. It is the way men are wired to feel. Tell Her and you will be Free. There is no shame in rejection only sadness. The rest is pride. Declare yourself. Of course if it was only really sport-fucking for you with just an occasional spasm of real love, passion and heart claim, well then bro, take THAT like a man, move on and get out of the woman's face. But if you love her bro, tell her and go make a life with her or live to be my age and reflect on your mistakes.
35
Bravo to those who figured this out. Or mostly figured it out. I couldn't make heads or tails out of it.

If I may add: the rival is not a lesbian because he is "blond". I, Anonymous may be incoherent, but at least he remembered that males are not "blonde", which is the way 99% of people in America spell the word, even when used for males. Maybe he is English, and maybe pants really does mean panties.

I still don't get the Mexico reference. If the blond doesn't marry the redhead he will have to take refuge in Mexico? Why does I,Anon want the blond with ear plugs to marry the stormy redheaded homewrecker?
36
If I have learned one thing in life it is to stay away from redheads. There is a reason they say that gingers have no souls. Stick to girls with black hair, pale skin, and proud ways.
37
@32 I would have thought if the LW is British.....

"pants" = underpants
knickers = panties

And let's not even get into the whole "fanny" thing.
38
@37 I thought that was kinda half the point of the fanny... (when someone brittish explains why you shouldn't say "fanny" in a whispered voice at a lunch restuarant don't scream "oh it means vagina!" as response... it didn't pan out well)
39
Nell Finwick was most definitely a red head. The blond refers to "Dudley Do- Right", (Mr. Right, possibly the "next guy") whom the Mexican Ex-Boyfriend with the handle bar mustache was not.

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