Columns Feb 1, 2012 at 4:00 am

Dear Archbishop


"this fella spit in my face today at starbucks today. i've seen the error of my ways!"
Just put Visine in his coffee, he'll poop for days.
Just wink creepily at him and whisper:

"I KNOW what you did."
Sit him down and tell him this.
It won't make him any MORE bigoted.
I wasn't raised to be a good Christian, but I was raised to channel my passive-aggressiveness behind people's backs, so this is right up my alley.
@2 - i didn't know that about visine. good tip.
@2,7 Don't ever put Visine in someone's drink. It doesn't cause diarrhea- but it does cause fun things like vomiting, seizures, and coma. Fun!…
This is sad.
But so common.
The Catholic clergy has made more homosexuals than all the overbearing momma's in the world put together.
Just look at our little Danny and Dom......
What @5 said. This is a thoughtful screed, and should be conveyed in person, exactly how it's typed. If the author can't do it—it's not easy remain cool and get your words out in cases like this—he should ask someone to do it for him.
Sad hater.
Forget the Visine. Do what the slaves used to do to their masters - just spit in his coffee. Serves the SOB right!
Give him a copy of this, it's the true passive-aggressive Seattle way.
If he confronts the priest at his place of employment, it could be considered harassment of a customer and the man could likely be fired?
Ah, a good sheep that actually took that whole "turn the other cheek" thing to heart. You know pacifism is actually retarded, right? This man IS ATTACKING YOUR FAMILY. Find a way to fight back, moron.
"Because I was raised to be a good Christian"

It sounds like you were raised to be a complete pussy. C'mon, man, spit in his coffee and then personally deliver your formal, written demand to be removed from all Church records.
@9, whenever I see this hate-tard troll, I can't help but think of old "homeless joe" in his gravelly voice:…
I am glad I am not queer anymore.

They are such a bunch of whiney pants.
I don't think you're passive-aggressive or cowardly, just completely professional, a trait sorely missing in today's society. Incidentally, isn't there a good chance that Father will see this I Anon?
@6 - Hah! Thanks, Gus - that's the best comment I've seen in a while.
Bad idea on the Visine. Doesn't work anyway. I mean don't get me wrong, this bishop sounds horrid, but read below per Wikipedia.

Visine prank myth

A common urban legend is that a few drops of Visine in an unsuspecting victim's drink will cause a harmless bout of diarrhea. This will not produce diarrhea, but oral administration of Visine can induce dangerous side effects related to Visine's ingredient tetrahydrozoline hydrochloride such as:
Dangerously low body temperature (hypothermia)
Blurred vision
Nausea and vomiting
Difficulty in breathing or even a complete halt in breathing
Elevating (hypertension) then dropping (hypotension) blood pressure
Possible coma
Seizures and tremors
Pfizer recommends that anyone ingesting Visine get medical attention or contact a poison control center immediately.[2]
Anon, I respect your resolve. Not only would you be sinking to his level, but creating a conflict might allow him to anecdotally use this story as an illustration of how right he thinks he is about gay people.
This person makes me intensely angry...but responding to hate with more hate does not help us win this.
Don't spit in his coffee.
Come on his cinnamon roll.
Serve him politely, but also politely let him know that you know his politics, dislike them, and are part of the ever-more popular majority who find the facade of the church as a "moral" actor ridiculous. No small act of revenge gives the satisfaction of knowing that we live in a society that is changing towards being more free, fair, and equal. He's already losing, spit is inconsequential.
Give the Archie a break, Church haters. He opposes war and helps the poor.
@4 and @6: Excellent plans!
@23, "Anon, I respect your resolve. Not only would you be sinking to his level, but creating a conflict might allow him to anecdotally use this story as an illustration of how right he thinks he is about gay people.
This person makes me intensely angry...but responding to hate with more hate does not help us win this."

Telling someone off (someone who has wronged you) and being a child molester are not exactly on the same "level."

Telling someone off (someone who deserves it) cannot be considered "hate."

Anon should give this asshole a piece of his mind.

This priest didn't do ANYTHING to the Anon, who is probably just fucked up from too much meth and unprotected sex.
Booo Hooo a priest molested me and now I am gay.
I was going to suggest you give him directions to the nearest 'Gloria Jean' coffee (Christaian coffee franchise affiliated with hillsong church and former sponsor of Exodus), but they don't have any cafes in Seattle.

All their cafes are here:…

The fact Gloria Jeans coffee can't survive in Seattle is probably because the locals would boycott it, but inevitably the anti gay priests are stuck with the other remaining cafes, and the unfortunate nature of hospitality is that unless you are the owner and manager, you're expected to be nice to customers.

This might have to be I Anon's wake up call to either start working on becoming a cafe owner, or getting out of hospitality.
I am going to cock punch every man I see with a beard because the guy who molested me had a beard.

Makes as much sense.
Does anyone know if there have been any studies done into the correlation between priests who rape / sexually abuse children and anti-gay activism?

Yes, please continue to treat him with respect and steer a wide path around the irrational hatred suggested in these comments.
A) Why does everybody assume Anon works in a coffee shop? Seriously, is there some kind of secret indicator I missed?

B) Anon is angry at the archbishop as an individual not because Anon was molested as a child, but because the archbishop is "leading the Catholic Church's fight against gay marriage in Washington." Anon probably doesn't like priests in general, but I got the feeling that the specific outrage here is fueled by the archbishop's political actions.

I don't know why I assumed that. I guess I think Gay, I think Capitol Hill, and I think Capitol Hill, and I think Bars and Cafes. The word patron is associated with hospitality, so presumably the priest is a patron of some food and beverage type establishment, and cafes generally have more regulars than restaurants. That's how I broke it down. (I only broke it down now that you asked me to).
Why so many idiotic comments? I don't see why it is so hard to understand the irony of Anon's situation. I think the most productive response would be for Anon to make an office hours appointment with the archbishop (if he was up for it) and respectfully explain his situation, without assuming that the archbishop's personal views are the same as the vatican's or that there is no potential for his views to change.
Don't say anything, he can and probably will get you fired. Clearly some of you people have never worked in customer service. You can't just go around telling patrons to go fuck themselves.
Anon is quite clearly a bat-shit-crazy drama queen who blames all his issues one everyone except the primary source of his bat-shit-crazienss: Himself.

He's spent the majority of his youth snorting crank and willingly fucking priests, and is bent because none of these priests has decided to take the collar off and openly "commit" to his sorry asss with the open sores.

Look, anon, you fucked a few priests, and they said "no" to a long-term commit. Too bad, so sad, but what did you expect? You sound like Mike Webb, another bat-shit-crazy queen.

If it hadn't been a priest, you would have accused the Starbucks veep you've been fucking, or the US Bank exec you have a standing lunch blow job appointment with - you're a SLUT, god only knows how many closet fags you let fuck you up the ass every week, but the money's good, eh?

So you asked your priest (must be a Jesuit, eh?) for a "loan" - er, you never intended to pay it back, right? - and he said NO, right? So now he's a "rapist", but you're still just a slutty drama queen who takes too much crank and is running out of places to hide the needle track marks, right?

I have you, er, "pegged", right?
"you are the archbishop leading the Catholic Church's fight against gay marriage in Washington"

That pretty much identifies the guy, right?
With any luck, someone on his staff or close to him will see this and let the Archbishop so identified, know of it.
Then Mr. Archbishop will be able from this to figure out what "place of employment" it is.

As it stands, the Archbishop won't be able probably to identify the person who wrote the letter; so won't try to use his clout to get him fired.
Let him start feeling doubt and shame! if he is at all capable of it -- the Archbishop I mean of course! {We could probably all figure out his name if we put our minds to it.}

The Employee is acting exactly right. He is taking the Moral High Road. The Archbishop is the beastly one -- with apologies to beasts! We cannot allow ourselves, ever, to sink to their abysmally low level.
That is a GREAT letter. These criminals and cover-ups for criminals cannot just blithely go around as if nothing had happened. {Already, many priests are ASHAMED to be seen in public wearing their clerical collars -- this never happened before!}
Calling on all good Catholics to LEAVE the Vatican Church and separate and form their own Congregations -- absolutely stop giving your money to the Vatican, so they can spend a fortune {yours} on legal costs defending Pedophiles!
And if the "place of employment" isn't a Coffee House -- maybe it's a Gay Bar or "Club"? Wouldn't be the least bit surprising if an Archbishop was a "regular patron" of one of those! No, not the least bit!
How many Homophobes turn out to be self-hating "Homos"? Is it something like ALL of them....?!

I anon says " I always knew you were a priest of some sort." This suggests the patron may have entered the establishment in uniform, in which case, it wouldn't be a case of the anti-gay preacher living a double life.

And given that Seattle has a large Gay population, it's more likely IA works at a boring regular not specifically Gay establishment.


his pants
I don't think many of you understand the irony that the man is trying to convey.

Went right over your heads and you immediately attack him for not attacking this guy. Idiots.
As a long-time reader, rare commenter, I just have to say:
When an Anon enacts retribution, you call them passive aggressive and bitter, etc etc.
When an Anon (finally) writes in to vent but stipulates they will maintain civility, you tell them to stop being passive and act.
Are you people never happy?
I like the suggestion of making an appointment with the guy. These Christians live in a little world of their own, where they're the good guys and everyone else is wrong for being so mean to them. If Anon went to him, calmly explains how the church he represents is a revolting cesspool, and that his personal actions are a direct and personal attack on his family life... and then continues serving him professional and politely - it would help to drive the message in that actually, they ain't so good.
Forced? Try paid hourly Mr. Christian!
Anyone else notice that I anonymous no longer has a link on the Stranger main page?

Our beloved vent column is being phased out! (I kind of saw this coming. I anon lost its magic when comments were allowed).

Please wait...

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