Columns Mar 21, 2012 at 4:00 am

Need to Know

Comments

1
HSL, don't continue the relationship if you want more than he is willing to give. It is just emotional heartbreak waiting to happen. You're young yet.
2
Although I agree that "coming out" as kinky isn't like coming out as gay, it might be useful for SUB to "come out" as kinky to his friends, not only so he can confide in them, but also as a sort of guerrilla marketing tactic to help the word about his kinkiness spread to potential kinky partners in their friend circle.

Excellent advice to SUB.
3
A) SUB is whiny bitch, and not in a good way.

B) the softcup doesn't work for everyone, nor does everyone want to use it, or even have a desire to. I'm comfortable with the blood from my period just as much as I am comfortable with the rest of my body.
4
HSL: listen to Dan.

P.S. I'm going to guess that at 21 you haven't had that many parters and don't know what you're missing. There's serious downsides that can be avoided if you date in your own age cohort.
5
@3

Yeah you're comfortable with it, but presuming a maid will be is another matter. Intentionally drenching sheets in menstrual blood is kind of a dick move. Isn't that why shower sex was invented?

Personally I don't have sex on my period because ew*, but if someone must, and they must make it someone else's job to to clean it up, they could at least not try to make it an are-you-comfortable-with-your-body-or-not pissing contest.

*Before I have a bunch of people banging down my door telling me that period blood is natural and yadda yadda , I am extremely comfortable with my body and don't find periods gross in and of themselves whatsoever. I just don't find the combination of thick clotting blood and sexy times appealing. Plus also the one or two times I've done it felt EXTREMELY creepy and upsetting. That part of my body just doesn't feel the same during that time of the month.
6
I absolutely loathe that argument that I must be squeamish & need to get with the program because I happen to dislike the softcup. I tried that thing for a couple of weeks and found it extremely irritating. It was also major disaster on heavy flow days. So while it might work out for some women, keep in mind that ladies come in all shapes, sizes, and levels of sensitivity, so it's pretty obnoxious to assume that we're "not freakin' comfortable with our own bodies" just because we don't like to stick the same things up our vag as you do, SISF.
7
@6, SISF's letter doesn't say anywhere that women who dislike the softcup are squeamish (for the record, I've tried it and could never get the damn thing not to leak, so you're not alone). She's saying that women who won't stick their fingers in their own cooter because it's too icky are squeamish, a sentiment with which I agree wholeheartedly.
8
@6

Preach
9
@Sea Otter

Yeah... except that it seems like a pretty direct inference that she's assuming that any woman who doesn't like the softcup must dislike the idea because she's squeamish about "sticking her fingers up there". I guess it's possible that she believes there's other types of women with other types of reasons but based on her earlier statment - oh me and my 'hung' man tried everything and we still can't feel it (so there's no way YOU or your man could) - suggests to me that she's pretty dismissive of those kinds of possibilities.
10
Softcups don't fit in all bodies, sadly. But you can use something like a divacup/ladycup/mooncup/etc. and have anal instead of PIV intercourse.
11
I hope SUB's therapist warned him how critical and malicious comments can be here, even without any good cause. It took to @3 to get to cruel and undeserved. Just stick with Dan's understanding and wise counsel, SUB.
12
Honestly... I love period sex and I think it's a lot more comfortable BECAUSE of the blood. Even if my libido's there, my vagina doesn't produce a whole lot of non-blood lubrication during my period, so the blood helps.
13
Also, speaking as a 20-year-old... coming out to one's friends as kinky is kind of difficult. If they're the friends you've been through everything with, they're probably going to be surprised or whatever but end up fine, but if they're the friends who know well enough to hang out with and enjoy but not so well that you know they won't judge you harshly? It's a difficult thing. I recommend not telling those friends explicitly, but letting them figure it out on their own by making hinting comments.
14
@5, drenching the sheets in the span of time it takes to fuck suggests a horribly heavy flow, my sympathies to you. I didn't care for sex while leaking because blood is not a suitable lubricant. Blood of any sort clots, and forms nasty little blood balls with the friction of skin on skin. Then there's the metalic blood smell, which just makes me want to vomit, thus eliminating any feeling of the sexy.

The whole cup thing freaks me out. Mainly because I think that the very last thing I want to encounter in a public restroom is someone rinsing hers out in the sink before reinserting it. How exactly is that sanitary?
15
The whole I feel I must come out as kinky thing is a bit mystifying to me. Isn't there some commonly accepted bit of wisdom about not imposing your sexual escapades upon others? Why would one feel compelled to share a penchant for being dominated sexually with people with hom he does not have sex? I've never felt the need to share my prefered sexual activities with anyone that was not going to enjoy them with me.
16
Re: period sex, I had a diaphragm for a while and it works much as the Instead cup to catch flow while you're having sex.
17
@cat

It was a bit of hyperbole, but I suppose it depends on what qualifies as 'drench' (it doesn't take long to soak through sheets) and how long one likes to fuck for, doesn't it? Anyway, I appreciate the concern in either case.

Everything else you said (14/15) is completely on. I have what some might consider a sex addiction, and I don't 'come out' to people unless I absolutely have to. Why? Because they didn't ask me.
18
@14 - You don't rinse out an Instead softcup. They aren't meant to be reused. Women who use something like a Diva Cup, which aren't used during sex, don't generally rinse them out in public washrooms. They wait until they're in a private washroom or just give them a quick dump and wipe (with clean hands) inside the stall of a public washroom if truly necessary.
19
Catballou (@14, 15):

Why would you assume that someone using the softcup would be likely to be rinsing it out in a public restroom? I mean, sure someone could do that, but people can do all sorts of things, and I don't necessarily see them doing them in public restrooms. I have to say that the mental image of blood filling up a cup and the dam-breaking thoughts of what happens when the suction is broken would probably keep me from wanting to use one of them cup-thingies . . . but to each her own.

As far as the "I now realize that I'm kinky and want/need to/should therefore come out to everyone because, hey, it's me, it's who I am" thought process, I think it is probably a reaction to the newness of the realization. No doubt SUB feels as though this is the key to so much about him, including why he is (still!) at age 21(!) single.

I find it kind of mysterious, in much the same way that I find the need to come out as bi if one has already married someone of the opposite sex and is (presumably) monogamous: why do other people need to know what are essentially details of your sex life or sexual fantasy life? There are only two reasons I can see coming out under these circumstances:
1) As a political act to raise awareness of the orientation or kink.
2) Because so much of one's life revolves around the orientation or kink, that not coming out requires a lot of self-censorship.

But I tend to agree that the specifics of what I like in bed don't need to be shared with anyone I'm not going to be in bed with.

However, I think that when SUB gets more used to the (relative) ordinariness of his kink, he may not feel the need to tell everyone about it. And for what it's worth, SUB, I think that a lot of women will be just fine with your kink, especially if you only want them to dominate you in the bedroom, and not in the other areas of your life. Maybe you want to phrase it as more of a "goddess worship" thing to break the ice.
20
I can't believe no one else has challenged this:

"Generally, SUB, if it's something that gay, straight, or bisexual people can all do—like erotic power exchange (bondage, D/s, BDSM, etc.)—then I consider it a sexual activity, not a sexual orientation."

I think that sexual orientation happens when you have a particular sexual preference (it could be anything) that is strong enough or persistent enough that it defines you in terms of your relationships with others and your view of yourself. Your sexual orientation becomes more noticeable, or a problem, when it is different from the majority.

And by that definition, SUB definitely has a sexual orientation, and a sexual orientation problem.

If SUB feels isolated because of his sexual preferences it sure seems like his desired behavior is affecting his personal sense of identity and his identity in terms of how SUB interacts with others, including family and potential partners.

It seems like it's pretty pointless to separate sexual activity from sexual orientation, as if behavior can exist apart from our desire to do those acts, and as if your preference for some kinds of sex (especially if outside what is the supposed societal norm) wouldn't affect your relationships.

I mean, I'm capable of having gay sex just as much as I'm capable of engaging in bondage. But I don't want to do either one. Because doing those acts is all about sexual orientation.

Dan's advice is otherwise good, I just wonder why the needless distinction?
21
Period sex relieves cramps. Pretty much the only thing that really works. And blood is a great lubricant, though it is hard on the sheets. Since I bleed through everything I've ever tried overnight anyway, I just have dedicated period sheets. And the cups make my cervix hurt, so no good on that.
22
Given that SUB can't have a fulfilling sexual experience unless his desire to have a tilted power dynamic is understood and indulged, wouldn't that make him a less interesting sex partner than someone capable of variety and willing to provide it, even if not especially driven to anything weird? Had "to the right partner" been appended, great, and I've no quarrel with the advice as a whole, but just wanted to place a token objection to pro-kink bias.
23
HSL----RUN, you poor boy, while there is still time! Mr. "Happily Married Guy With the Wife and Three Kids" is using you! You're 21; you have lots of time to find someone who will truly share the kind of loving GGG relationship you seek. I hope it all works out. Peace.

Thank you, Dan, for the helpful BDSM link and SISF, for the info on the Instead Softcup!! I never knew! I can enjoy my life despite horrible menstrual periods! Yaay! Kudos to you both!

@21 gnot: Period sex relieved cramps for me, too, but I was--and still am---concerned about flooding. I keep extra period towels to cover my bedding and sheets. I'm gonna be glad when all this is over and done.
24
I have no squeamish issues around sex on my period, but it friggin' HURTS. People say orgasms are supposed to help cramps, but to me it feels like punching a muscle that was already badly torn before you started punching it. I'll happily go down on my partner though :)
25
@22 Agreed. Also, I'm glad Dan gently pointed SUB towards remembering to consider what might turn on his prospective (dominant) partner.
26
Not to break the trail of thoughts I though it was sexy that Santorum wanted his admirers to 'saddle up'. I can only think of such savage love.

thatmichaelguy
27
SUB: A great place online to meet and talk with similarly-minded people is Fetlife. Not sure if I can plug a website or not, but truly, Fetlife is like Facebook for kinky people. You're definitely not alone in your submission, and there are tons of groups you can join to help you figure things out.
28
Way to go, Dan, for telling HSL to break off the affair. I've been a victim of a wife that was a CPOS. The CPOS here is selfish and doesn't care if he hurts HSL or his wife.
29
SUB: The place to go online to explore your submission is Fetlife. (www.fetlife.com) It's like Facebook for kinky people. You can join groups, talk about your fetishes/desires/whatever with like-minded people, and you can get to know your local group. I guarantee there's a local group for you on there. You aren't alone!!
30
That Instead cup sounds like a great idea, but I tried it and personally found it pretty uncomfortable and messy. I think the problem was that it only comes in one size, and that size didn't fit right.

Anyway, the thought of having my partner shove a piece of plastic against my cervix when it's already really sore from cramping isn't exactly hugely appealing.
31
I love the Instead Cup! If you are using it and it's leaking, you're leaving it in too long. You "can" use it up to 12 hours, but not if you are flowing heavy. Change it more often. If your pad/tampon was in need of being changed you wouldn't hesitate even if it was supposed to absorb more and last a certain amount of time.

It takes some practice (totally worth it) whether you are using it during sex or without sex, and you have to take it out slowly (sitting on the toilet) empty it, wrap it in TP and throw it away - it is NOT reusable.

It's not for everyone, I'm sure, but for me because 1 - I can't feel it during sex or when I am wearing it in general. 2 - It does keep my sheets clean. 3 - A heavier flow getting a little too slippery (reducing needed friction) is a non-issue.

That's my two cents.
32
I use DivaCup as my normal feminine hygiene product and Instead for period sex.
In my experience, the DivaCup is much simpler to handle, has a larger capacity and is far less likely to leak. (And no, I don't wash it in public sinks.) The only advantage of the Instead cups is their softness and positioning that allows me to have PIV sex without drenching the sheets. (Thanks to my IUD, when I say drenching I mean drenching.)

People for whom Instead doesn't work but want to avoid the mess may want to give the things called Soft Tampons a try (e.g. Gynotex or JoyDivision).
33
Another suggestion is the today sponge which works for me, it can absorb blood while it blocks it and can stay on for hours. I've also ben informed that some all natural women use natural sea sponges instead of tampons and that they have the same effect but I haven't run across any sterile ones to purchase.
34
@3..
@A no need to be so offensive, demeaning, belittling, cruel, unsympathetic, un-compassionate,unkind, holier than you,and self righteous ... in other words do not be an asshole bitch and plus you give a bad name for women....
35
I've been tempted to try the Instead during sex, but I did a bunch of research before using one and the jury is out on whether or not guys can feel it. With regular partners, letting it flow doesn't really squick me out (nor does it seem to most men), so I'd mostly want to use it to avoid a spontaneity-killing conversation with a new partner; I'd hate for him to get freaked out by feeling something that isn't me up there.
36
The 28-day pill. I haven't had a period in six months and it's freaking awesome.

(Standard disclaimers apply: Obviously not for everyone as the pill in general isn't for everyone, but if you're on the pill and still struggling with period-sex or period-no-sex, not having periods at all is fantastic.)
37
Yay for natural menstrual sponges! I used one for many years, and found that it worked way, way better than tampons, and was only a fraction of the cost. A win-win situation. You can purchase large hunks of sea sponge at a craft or paint store - they are sold for faux painting, but who says you have to paint with them? Then I would use regular scissors to cut off a piece that fit comfortably, rinse it in water to soften it, squeeze out and insert. It always went in much more easily and painlessly than a dry tampon. Then I just removed, rinsed and reinserted as needed. I did not try to sterilize the sponge, and never had any problems with infections. The vagina is actually self cleaning, so sterility is less of an issue than you might think. And besides, the sponge gets to dry out completely in the 3 weeks between periods, which means that any bacteria would not survive. I imagine you could soak it in bleach for a few minutes, but I never found that necessary. The only thing that stopped my love affair with my sponge was menopause, but I still have fond memories ...
38
Hey Sub,

First of all, you're 21.  Second of all, your prospective partners are of different shapes, sizes, and temperments (just read all the commentary on Softcup).  At your age and experience it shouldn't be surprising that you feel unsettled and incomplete, because even your brain physiology is changing.  While a part of you feels it is a lie to not "come out" and demand recognition, with luck there is another part that craves safety.  When you're 21 it can seem like there is no time, that you can't wait, but calming down and being patient (a mark of maturity) with yourself and your partners to be can't hurt.

You haven't mentioned being into athletics or music, but consider the amount of time, effort, and dedication those pursuits take, and that they in part help to define oneself.  My point is that you can sometimes tell if someone is a dancer, if that is the sort of thing you are attracted by, but knowing someone is a musician takes a more personal interaction if you aren't in their "scene".  Going to concerts and hanging out in coffee shops near music schools is going to be a better bet to meet musicians than random encounters, and going to where the kinksters are is the same.

Have fun, be safe, and drop a line when you figure it out!

Peace.
39
@36

Um, my understanding is that's typically not reccomended (being on the pill ALL the time). I take Seasonale (which means a week off every 3 months) and I love it (the less periods, the better). Do you have some sort of special circumstances or is this a new product...
40
Looking into the power exchange scene can be a good move, however, I found that most of the people there (actually in S.F., which may be exceptional) are way too serious about it. However, it is probably the best place to start. The downside for SUB is there are way, way more submissive guys than dom women.
41
@19 nocutename
Coming out as bi even though I'm monogamously married to a woman was very important to me for more than the political act of doing so. No, my life is not all about being bi, so I wouldn't need to do a lot of self-censoring. Instead, it's about having the people you love understand an essential fact about you. It's important for my teenage son to understand who his father is, understand where he comes from, and be given a face to put on non-hetero-normative sexuality. Sexual orientation is pervasive in a million subtle ways in our social lives because it concerns male and female identity, something that is an ostensible fact. It's different than sexual preferences which, yes, should be left personal and private information.
42
Happy Birthday Lorna May.
43
@39 I've had multiple gynecologists tell me that there is no additional health risk to taking Seasonale or other OCPs continuously. Women who have endometriosis have been doing so for years, and so far there haven't been reports of additional side effects or health risks. The reason pill packs were designed to include breaks for periods was not for health reasons. It was found that women were more comfortable still getting a period, and it's proof that there was not an accidental pregnancy. The 3 month breaks in Seasonale/Seasonique (the newer version) are just as artificial as the standard 28 day breaks. Seasonale is the same chemically as an estrogen-based 28 day pill, in 3 month packs. Seasonique-lo is comparable to the "low dose" estrogen-based 28 day OCPs. There has been no difference found health-wise in getting 12, 4, 2, 1, or 0 pill-related periods per year.
44
@39, the pill that brenda is talking about has been on the market in the U.S. since 2007 (brand name is Lybrel). It's no less safe to use than 21- or 24-day packs...please don't spread medical falsities.
45
#6 - a couple of weeks? aren't you only supposed to use it during your period?

anyway, i'm one of those for whom period sex is very painful. nothing to do with distaste.
46
I commend Mr J for offering a face to counter the rather less desirable faces that are, sadly, out there, particular those of the Gold/Dirt paradigm (I'd just as soon not provide chapter and verse this time).
47
I LOVE instead softcups. My partner can't feel them, nor does he knock them loose during sex. I also think they are way more comfortable than tampons for every day protection (and less messy than pads). That being said, I gave my best friend two and said "OMG! Best thing ever, you'll never use tampons again!" and she tried them and said they felt weird and they leaked when she sneezed. So every body is different, but if you haven't tried them you really should! (Also, regarding lubrication, I've found that the cup allows my vagina to lubricate naturally like it does every other week while a tampon tends to absorb that moisture so if I were to take a tampon out right before having sex it would be dry and uncomfortable (or bloody and messy))
48
@39 I used to get debilitating migraines from my combination pill due to the sudden drop in hormone levels during the pill-free days. I've now been on Cerazette (estrogen-free pill) for two years. It came highly recommended by my gyn and she was right: no periods, no headaches - it's fantastic.

also, less active ovaries (less periods) means reduced risk of developing ovarian cancer. however, the pill increases your breast cancer risk if you're genetically predisposed so that's something you should be generally aware of.

it's like @43 says, the pill break is artificial, and it's only there because it used to be seen as crucial to mimic the 'natural' menstruation cycle for physiological and psychological reasons (a woman needs to have a period to feel like a proper woman and all that BS)

49
I'm an Ivy educated female dom in my mid-twenties. I look pretty vanilla, so most people have no idea. But trust me, there are more like me out there!

Also... I don't believe in porn addiction. Most people masturbate to porn. It's not a big deal.

Don't worry, kid. I'm sure you'll find someone.
50
As a young journalist, I wonder when it's appropriate to point out the hate monger du jour, or when I'm just promoting him or her. Take Kirk what's-his-face, is it better to let his backwards opinions wallow in obscurity. I'm torn between thinking gay journalists like yourself (who i love, love, love and love some more - see I'm objective) are just promoting, advancing, amplifying hate-filled views that otherwise die. This Kirk dork is promoting a movie. And frankly, who gives a shit what he thinks? What next, Jason Priestly on the Palestinian Israeli conflict?
The question is when are you exposing hate speech or groups toward a useful end and when are you elevating and therefore advancing the views of no-name nobodies? Oprah once said she had an "aha" moment during a show with skin heads, the realization being that she was giving a world wide platform to a bunch of marginalized weirdos. Would love to know what you think? and more importantly, I LOVE YOU!!!
51
@44

I didn't "spread medical falsities" I asked a fucking question. Calm down.
52
I didn't read all of the comments, so I'm sorry if this has already been mentioned, but there are a couple options besides the softcup, which work for different bodies (read: vaginal canals). There are 2 different sizes of the DivaCup, one for women that have had children, and one for women that haven't. Then there is also the MoonCup, which I think only comes in one size. Anyways, for their cost they are vastly superior to tampons, since one will last for years (occasionally bleach it, rinse it out every time you empty it; you know, common cleanliness procedures).
I've found the experience of using the DivaCup has made me understand and love my body more, and I recommend women find the cup that fits them!
53
Oh, dear, I just listened to the podcast and wish I hadn't. Is it ethical for me not to disappear now?
54
Cheers to 19 and 20.

Although I think there is some support for the conclusion that identifying as submissive is an order of magnitude different from identifying as gay, there is also a valid basis for arguing they are similar. For example, one reason to come out as gay is to help other struggling gays to know they are not alone or weird or whatever. That same justification could apply to someone who is submissive. Surely, SUB's question about whether he should come out as kinky deserves more of a response than that Dan doesn't consider it coming-out worthy.

I also have got to call out ivy-league educated 49. Interesting that you "don't believe in porn addition", as if that somehow puts the matter to rest, because people masturbate when they look at porn. It's not a big deal for most, but for some, porn obsession can have significant negative affects on real life. As in, you have no real life because you look at porn and masturbate all day. But the only real response I can give to your argument is -- I believe it can be an addition.
55
Cheers to 19 and 20.

Although I think there is some support for the conclusion that identifying as submissive is an order of magnitude different from identifying as gay, there is also a valid basis for arguing they are similar. For example, one reason to come out as gay is to help other struggling gays to know they are not alone or weird or whatever. That same justification could apply to someone who is submissive. Surely, SUB's question about whether he should come out as kinky deserves more of a response than that Dan doesn't consider it coming-out worthy.

I also have got to call out ivy-league educated 49. Interesting that you "don't believe in porn addition", as if that somehow puts the matter to rest, because people masturbate when they look at porn. It's not a big deal for most, but for some, porn obsession can have significant negative affects on real life. As in, you have no real life because you look at porn and masturbate all day. But the only real response I can give to your argument is -- I believe it can be an addition.
56
Do not flush soft cups! Please! I had my first experience with one while throwing a house party. Was told the toilet was clogged and full of blood. I didn't find the item until I drained the toilet (with a Dixie cup) and removed it. I found a soft cup stretched like a water balloon hanging from the toilet.
57
I used the instead cup and absolutely loved it, but then I got an IUD and you're not supposed to use instead cups if you have one. But more people should know about them--I was delighted when I found out about it and could use it.
58
SUB, you wrote: "I cannot have a fulfilling sexual experience unless my desire to have a tilted power dynamic is understood and indulged, and I don't think romantic love is possible for me without this part of me being accepted and appreciated." Definitely you need to be understood and appreciated for you who are, and you deserve to have fulfilling sexual encounters. However, when I read that part of your letter, I wonder if you're hoping for a romantic/sexual relationship with a woman who will take control and indulge you every time you have sex, with the expectation that dominating you will be so innately satisfying that it will fulfill all of her sexual desires and needs. Maybe that's not what you meant, but it's important to keep in mind that sex is a two-way street. Anyone's chances of finding a partner whose only sexual desire is to fulfill our fantasies (whatever those fantasies may be) is infinitesimally small.

In good relationships, kinky or vanilla, we all get indulged sometimes, and sometimes we're the ones doing the indulging. Like everyone else, you'll have to learn to compromise (have sex in ways that is cool but maybe not ideal for either one of you), and/or trade off who gets to call the shots. And yes, "calling the shots" can mean that your dominant partner wants to lie back and have you take care of her sometimes, without her having to stage a scene to pay attention to your emotional or sexual needs at that particular time.

A really good resource, from the perspective of a dominant woman, is the archive of Mistress Matisse's Journal. Good luck to you!
59
@55 downon,

Yup.

Unfortunately, for the addiction wired person almost anything can be the "wrong thing". What's worse is that, Hey, why stop with one? (It takes one to know one.)

Peace.
60
The Instead Softcup can be alright and I was super stoked to try it for mess-free period sex but it isn't perfect. My dude (who is average sized) felt it. It didn't stop him from pounding away (doggy style- he could feel it alot, mish- didn't really feel it as much) but he said it was a little weird. And it felt a little weird to me. I was going to be a big Instead zealot at first but realized that the sticking my fingers all up my twat in bathroom stalls all period long gave me guaranteed UTI's (even with very clean hands.) I have a short period so I just give him a maintenance BJ and commence the intercourse after the tide has ceased. Works for us!
61
#45.

Yeah. My auntie flo likes to come for prolonged and/or surprise visits- it's truly obnoxious. So yeah, a "couple of weeks" of the cup was a no-go. Le sigh.
62
@HSL--

I'm with @23. Run for your life. The tender, caring married guy who is determined to keep you a secret on the side is not the guy for you. Whatever his feelings and intentions might be, he's put you in a situation where he has all the power, all the control, and all the options.

You have nothing but the attention that he lavishes upon you when he chooses, where he chooses and if he chooses.

I'm less concerned with the age differential than some other commenters--although it is substantial. But I think you'll be much happier if you find yourself an unattached, out gay man who isn't forever asking you to hide your relationship and who isn't forever stringing you along with scenarios that begin "If only...."

There are six billion people on the planet. Three billion of them are men. If only 3% of them are gay, that still lives you with NINE HUNDRED MILLION men from whom to choose. This guy isn't a good choice. Find someone who is.
63
Is no one going to challenge Dan (or #28) for his one word counsel to HSL, and on the narrowness of their understanding of what works? Absurd--why can't the older man have a secret piece on the side who adores him, wants the sex, etc., so long as they both accept the terms and limitations of what they are doing? As HSL clearly does, indicating he doesn't want to break up the guy's marriage, but wants the sex to go on, and cares emotionally for the older gent. Jeez, folks--let's not be such moralizing prudes. Surely the older (closeted) gent is using the young man as a plaything--AND SOMETIMES IT'S GOOD to be used thusly. Surely the young man is using the older gent for something, even if it's just good companionship, ideas and hot sex, or the transgression of fucking a "straight" dad--the transactional reality of good intrigue guarantees this. You need to read some Baudelaire--"who is the patient, who is the surgeon, can't you just hear those sighs?" Having been on both ends (although, hetero-flavored) of such operations in my perverted life, I can say it was hot stuff when I was a kid, and hot stuff now, and je ne regret rien. I remain a good friend to every young woman with whom I have dallied, and the older married gals whom I met as a callow youth recall me fondly. No harm, no foul.

How can you admit, in one letter, that the tilted power dynamic may be desirable, and that discretion is preferable, then completely ignore in the next letter how these two factors surely inform HSL's passion? No power tilt is more delectable, perhaps, than that born of age difference--experience at love-making, life wisdom, and contrasting passions, so many variables! Such riches of time! And the discretion of the illicit love conducted secretly with the married person--there is a life-lesson everyone should experience at least once or twice. We are talking about passion, after all--that is what drives such encounters. And yes, HSL's heart will be broken in the end: that, too, is valuable within the context of the journey to sexual maturity and wisdom. Socrates: "the hottest love has the coldest end."

I feel that SL and its readers often fail to admit the derangement of love and sex, and that here Dan fails a correspondent like HSL, who for all we know, may be deriving great benefit from his affair. To universally condemn such affairs is to ignore a great deal of what makes us tick.
64
Dan's advice to HSL is simple and spot on.

That this guy will continue with someone else doesn't excuse participation in his adultery. The cad is responsible for his actions, and HSL is responsible for his own.

Plus, as Dan has said many times, gay people shouldn't help married closeted guys get away with this shit. It's not OK to be a cheating piece of shit closet case, and it's not OK to help someone be a cheating piece of shit closet case.
65
I believe that the reason that the first birth control pills were only taken for 21 days, with 8 days off, during which time you get a period, was to try to convince the Catholic church that this form of contraception was "natural," thus getting the Church's blessing. (The rhythm method was considered "natural," and so allowed by the Church as an approved form of contraception.) No such luck with oral hormonal contraception, but the 21-day-pack (with a week of placebos) stayed, with the untested assumption (no women were polled) that women would feel weird without getting a period. It took somewhere in the vicinity of 35 years to actually check in with women, and--surprise!--it is hard to find many who say, "yeah, I want period I don't need to have every 28 days or so." Hence the pills that allow for far less frequent periods.
66
Is no one going to challenge Dan (or #28) for his one word counsel to HSL, and on the narrowness of their understanding of what works? Absurd--why can't the older man have a secret piece on the side who adores him, wants the sex, etc., so long as they both accept the terms and limitations of what they are doing? As HSL clearly does, indicating he doesn't want to break up the guy's marriage, but wants the sex to go on, and cares emotionally for the older gent. Jeez, folks--let's not be such moralizing prudes. Surely the older (closeted) gent is using the young man as a plaything--AND SOMETIMES IT'S GOOD to be used thusly. Surely the young man is using the older gent for something, even if it's just good companionship, ideas and hot sex, or the transgression of fucking a "straight" dad--the transactional reality of good intrigue guarantees this. You need to read some Baudelaire--"who is the patient, who is the surgeon, can't you just hear those sighs?" Having been on both ends (although, hetero-flavored) of such operations in my perverted life, I can say it was hot stuff when I was a kid, and hot stuff now, and je ne regret rien. I remain a good friend to every young woman with whom I have dallied, and the older married gals whom I met as a callow youth recall me fondly. No harm, no foul.

How can you admit, in one letter, that the tilted power dynamic may be desirable, and that discretion is preferable, then completely ignore in the next letter how these two factors surely inform HSL's passion? No power tilt is more delectable, perhaps, than that born of age difference--experience at love-making, life wisdom, and contrasting passions, so many variables! Such riches of time! And the discretion of the illicit love conducted secretly with the married person--there is a life-lesson everyone should experience at least once or twice. We are talking about passion, after all--that is what drives such encounters. And yes, HSL's heart will be broken in the end: that, too, is valuable within the context of the journey to sexual maturity and wisdom. Socrates: "the hottest love has the coldest end."

I feel that SL and its readers often fail to admit the derangement of love and sex, and that here Dan fails a correspondent like HSL, who for all we know, may be deriving great benefit from his affair. To universally condemn such affairs is to ignore a great deal of what makes us tick.
67
@241 (Mr. J): Thanks for making a good point.
@53 (Mr. Ven): Please don't disappear, though I am not sure why this week's podcast would prompt you to want to.
68
Having sex on your period? Use a blue towel! Lay down on it, don't get too crazy, and there's no mess except on the towel. Put it into a washer with cold water soon after sex and it's clean. Get blood on the sheets? Pour hydrogen peroxide over it immediately after you notice and there is no stain. Same goes for the blue towel. Also, keep a damp washcloth nearby if you need to clean up mid-coitus.

Regarding the sub -- Dan missed the boat on that one. There are some people for whom their kink can/does become a sexual orientation. I am thinking of D/s situations that exist outside the bedroom. If the letter writer is one of those -- if he needs a dominant woman outside the bedroom in order to be turned on inside the bedroom -- this does often mean explaining to friends and loved ones that he is in a consensual, loving relationship, and not an abusive one. This can be a big problem for sub-females whose families think they are being abused (against their wills) or their Dom-male partners who can be mistakenly accused of abuse. I've seen this happen when the Dom-male ordered his sub-lady make him a sandwich in front of the wrong person (her overzealous feminazi friend, for example, or her father).
69
Dear SUB,

Your letter turned me on.

Sincerely,
A hot 20something lady
70
@46 Mr. V
Thank you for the kind notice.
71
@65: I have heard that another motivation was that having periods would show the user that she wasn't pregnant. Maybe that's just another way of saying that women would feel weird not getting periods.
72
Dear HSL: He's lying to you about being soul mates because the sex is great, he already has companionship, and you're young and naive enough to believe his BS.

73
Was anyone else insanely turned on by SUB's letter?
74
Re: coming out as kinky, I think there are situations when it's perfectly appropriate to come out to friends. It just depends on who your friends are and how relaxed they generally are about sex.

And all of you saying that you should never talk about your sexual preferences to anyone except your partners, well don't you ever discuss sex with your friends?

I've noticed that a lot of people like to pretend they never have sex and have no sexual desires whatsoever, and while it's totally great for the workplace, this attitude doesn't really make much sense in an informal setting. Plus there's always the "marketing" benefit.
75
I'm getting a giggle out the idea of SUB checking out this column on his therapist's recommendation and finding that we're all talking about blood, cramps, periods, and the Pill. Let's bet that's not what he had in mind.

So let me dive in. The history of the birth control pill is one of the more interesting in modern medicine. Usually the attention is put on its role in changing attitudes towards sex and having children. I think it's almost as interesting in looking at its role in changing attitudes towards menstruation.

When I first got taken to a GYN to see what could help me with my debilitating menstrual cramps, I was lucky to find a guy who didn't tell me it was all in my head. It was the early 70s, and I was in my early teens. The doctor was able to tell me that they didn't know the cause, didn't know the cure, but that they did know it wasn't psychological. My mother believed that. I spent the next 10 years telling myself that this was normal and natural, that I should go to school, breathe deep, and that maybe this time I wouldn't end up curled up on the bathroom floor puking my guts out in a cold sweat and panic attack. Between doing that, I tried every home remedy.

The good doctor told me that the Pill would help but that he didn't want to prescribe it. Maybe he thought it was too strong a medicine, possibly harmful in some way. Maybe he thought he was protecting my virtue, that if I knew I couldn't get pregnant I'd run off and sleep with every boy in school. In retrospect this both angers me and makes me laugh. I was an awkward kid quite slow to matters of sexuality. The opportunities weren't there. I wonder if it was part of some male fantasy that teenage girls really want to run wild but don't only because they might get pregnant.

By the late 80s, Penny Budoff's _No More Menstrual Cramps and Other Good News_ had come out. Naproxen had been invented, and while Anaprox (later non-prescription as Alleve) didn't solve every problem, it did alleviate the pain enough such that I could walk. I still didn't take the Pill. I thought it was bad for me. I used a diaphragm instead, noted that it worked more-or-less to collect menstrual blood, and got lots of UTIs.

Now I've watched with mixed horror and awe as it's come out that the Pill not only isn't necessarily bad for women, it might actually be good for them. I think of all that preventable pain. That's not to say that I know what would have happened if I'd chosen hormonal birth control. I understand it can affect desire, and I've always been quite happy with my desire level, thank-you-very-much.

Now for the idea that sex is the only thing that helps cramps. I wish I weren't an expert on the subject, but here goes.

Sex can work, but it's not generally convenient. I mean, you want to take a break from work for WHAT?

Some swear by Naproxen-Aleve (me). Others say ibuprofen is the only drug that works. Take them with a little food. If nausea and dry heaves are part of your monthly pain routine, it's natural to stop eating, but then the meds just cause heartburn without helping.

Calcium supplements taken daily help many.

So does daily high-impact exercise. Take up running.

I'm personally skeptical of advice to meditate, but I include it because some women say it helps them.

If the pain is mild, a heating pad might do it.
76
@75 The only thing that helped me with my cramps was Codeine but it totally knocked me out. But the pain was actually caused by PCOS so it was not at all normal.
77
@75: I take a small dose of ranitidine, which is the ingredient in Zantac, I think, every time I take Alleve. I don't have to worry about having a full stomach. I've been doing this for years without problem. Individual results may vary, I'm sure.
78
HSL could be me. Except I was 41 and female when I started hooking up with my married guy who was the love of my life, yadda yadda blah fuckety blah. Finally, 7 years later, the bastard is gone and guess what... I wasted my 40s on him instead of looking for someone who was AVAILABLE. Listen to Dan, HSL. DTMFA and get on with your life so you don't spend any time regretting wasting your 20s on that usin' muthafucka (because he's usin' your fine ass, honey, and don't let him tell you otherwise).
79
How funny that the last LW is screaming about ladies needing to be comfortable with their own bodies, yet is advocating using a product that prevents our own bodily fluid from coming out when its naturally supposed to.
80
And while we're on the subject-- Have y'all seen the "Why are we so embarrassed by our periods" ad campaign? It's about time! Quite the answer to those early ads for tampons which featured women swimming and riding horses but didn't say what product they were advertising.

I can almost hear the backlash already. I'm not suggesting that every time a woman menstruates she should make the news public. In the long run, it's boring information as is mentioning pretty much anything that's taken care of in a bathroom. But I'm glad the days of acting like we do something shameful when we menstruate are over.
81
Dan's Advice to HSL is likely correct, and many if not most commenters seem to agree. However, I am wondering what HSL's expectations and desires are relationship-wise. He says that he wants more but at 21 does he want a committed, exclusive relationship? Or, realistically, is having his married dude as one of his regular lovers a viable option? I know how I was at 21 and monogamy and life partner was not a real high priority. Frankly, I think a 41 year old of any orientation should consider long and hard before deluding him or herself that a relationship with someone 20 years younger is something more than ephemeral.

Of course, there remains the question of the older guy's wife. I don't advocate anyone cheating with or cheating on someone else, but the wife may have reach an entente with her gay husband. It is not uncommon and, as the older dude said, if he's not doing it with HSL then he'll be doing it with someone else. If his wife knows and they have an understanding then it's not exactly cheating so HSL should not let that stand in his way.

In short, it seems to me that, given HSL's age and our lack of knowledge of the married guy's relationship with his wife, this situation is more nuanced that simply saying, "No."
82
I did try Instead for sex, and he could feel it. Said it felt like "fucking a coke can".
83
81-- Almost everything is more nuanced than simply saying no. Some thoughts--

If the older guy has convinced HSL that his wife is okay with the arrangement, then HSL might suggest talking to the wife and hearing it from her. But then all that secrecy wouldn't be necessary in the first place.

The older guy probably isn't just cheating on his wife, he's likely cheating on HSL too. Once you've got the logistics of cheating figured out, there's not much reason to stop. All the information about condoms and STD prevention is at work here. HSL might also bring up an interesting conversation. He might ask his older guy when he came out, and if he might talk to some of the ex-lovers. It's no different (in a straight relationship) from meeting a man's first wife to see if it's as he said that either she was a witch or that they just weren't right for each other. Do your research.

I tend to be most interested in the intersection of sex and emotion, and that's what worries me the most about HSL's letter. He feels such a great emotional connection. How will he feel when he learns that the older guy isn't there for him when he needs help? That the older guy's wife and kids come first? Or that the older guy's emotional commitment was never that great?

It's normal at 21 to feel things that deeply, and it's normal at 21 to fall hard when we get our hearts broken. I could go on with the list of normals crying in that letter. Normal to think that we're the first for whom everything will be different. Normal to think that we're the one and only, normal to think that he's The One. And yet everything in that letter smacks of cold hard evidence that this one does not have a fairy tale ending. Anything cloaked in secrecy generally ends badly. Usually I'd be all concerned about the wife, and I am concerned about her, but in this case, HSL himself is the one taking the huge risk.

Note that none of my concerns have to do with the age differential. It's the secrecy. And the cheating.
84
Wow my man totally felt my Instead instantly--they can also move around and leak so we just put down an absorbant pad we love (also great for squirters) and put up with the mess most months.
85
About softcup, one caveat to its awesomeness: it's not recommended for people using an IUD. In the act of pulling out the cup, there is a risk of also yanking on the strings of the IUD and that's to be avoided. I used to use the softcup before I got my IUD and I loved them! But now I'm happy to exchange period sex for the best birth control option for me.
86
Um, @37? Your recommendations are not safe! Natural sponges bought at an art supplies store?! And yes, the vagina is self-cleaning...but that's not the same as being antiseptic. Washing out a sponge and letting it dry for 3 weeks does not mean that it's somehow clean and sterile--there is such a thing as mold, in addition to the zillions of different bacteria that don't require a moist climate to survive. Tampons/softcups/pads don't come individually wrapped because it's fun to waste plastic; there are serious health concerns involved. Just because you never experienced any adverse effects doesn't make it safe to use art supplies as tampons.
87
@86- Thank you! and yes! as a biologist, 37 made my skin crawl, soo unsafe! Not to mention deadly. Many of us have forgotten Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS), a staph infection that is potentially deadly. The only reason it is no longer a problem is because tampon/pad manufactures have changed the way they manufacture these products.
Please dont try this at home!!!
88
@86- Thank you! and yes! as a biologist, 37 made my skin crawl, soo unsafe! Not to mention deadly. Many of us have forgotten Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS), a staph infection that is potentially deadly. The only reason it is no longer a problem is because tampon/pad manufactures have changed the way they manufacture these products.
Please dont try this at home!!!
89
The concept of "porn addiction" seems to me like it can't exist without a fundamental lack of understanding of what real addiction looks like. People don't get sick from porn withdrawal. They don't sell away their dignity to get one more hit of porn. Like video games, or TV, or an obsession with sports or bodybuilding, or collecting practically anything, porn is a stimulating diversion that people sometimes waste too much time on when they ought to be taking care of real issues. You get too immersed in anything and it's bad for you, but that's not addiction.

Also, what's up with the softcup letter? Does this mean all I need to do to get product placement in Savage Love is call Dan an ignorant homo before glowingly recommending my patented new whatever?
90
@ Crinoline: It is difficult to know whether there is actually an "understanding". Even if the wife is acquiescent it may be in terms of "I know you are but I really don't want to hear about it." I'm thinking of one of my fraternity brothers' fathers that I ran into in a sleazy pick-up bar back 30 years ago. None of us who knew him thought about it, or talked about it, but it wasn't a shock. In retrospect, we knew. How could his wife not know. That doesn't mean she wanted to have it thrown in her face, however.

And yes, you are right; those who cheat with you will definitely cheat on you. Which gets back to my first point: how much emotional attachment does this 21 year old really want? If he can come to terms with it really being about great sex - and great sex with someone you are really fond of does not mean that it has to be or will be a permanent or even an exclusive thing - then there is no reason that they cannot have an honest, caring relationship that has boundaries. Everyone is different and maybe HSL needs that emotional connection. I am simply suggesting that, based on my experience at 21 and what I see of my children's' contemporaries who are that age, it is easy and even common to relate to sexual partners outside of an exclusive supportive relationship.
91
Thanks SISF! I have been using a Diva Cup for about 3 years and I could never go back to using tampons. You can't wear the Diva Cup during sex and I didn't know the you could with the Softcup.
92
@ SUB -

"I cannot have a fulfilling sexual experience unless my desire to have a tilted power dynamic is understood and indulged, and I don't think romantic love is possible for me without this part of me being accepted and appreciated."

This part gave me pause - it sounds very all-or-nothing. If he's saying he can only enjoy sex in this one way 100% of the time, he's severely limiting his pool of potential partners. I'm no expert but I know there are WAY more male subs than female dommes out there, to the point where dommes can and do charge hundreds an hour for their services.

So unless he wants to pay (or get in line with all the other guys seeking the unicorn who ONLY gets off on dominating men for free), a little compromise might not be so bad. Power dynamics are sexy, and I'm sure plenty of "normal" women would enjoy exploring these with a guy they're already attracted to.

I would suggest bringing it up before sex, but after a few dates when things are starting to get steamy. Don't sit her down like "I have this deep dark confession - please don't run away!" That's weird. Start making out, touching each other, and then bring it up in a sexy way, like "You're so hot, I can't wait to hear about your fantasies and share mine with you." Listen to what turns her on, and then tell her what turns you on - "It gets me so hot when a girl just ties me up and has her way with me", or whatever your kink may be. Any woman who reacts badly or is too shy to get into this kind of talk isn't for you - politely eject and move on. But I don't think you'll have trouble finding a willing participant eventually using this approach. I'm not sexually dominant in the slightest, but I have to admit if a guy brought it up to me like that, I would be intrigued and probably a little turned on.

Finding the woman of your dreams may mean compromising a little bit - she dominates you some of the time, and then you do (insert her fantasy here) some of the time. But if you are looking for some kind of 100% hardcore domination scenario right out of the gate, you'll probably need to get involved in the BDSM community or go pro.

93
Ms Cute - But does staying mean I accept being branded with a huge scarlet S that does not apply and that I have no wish to acquire, however much I might allow for others' coming to different conclusions? That was a deeply wounding accusation. I suppose I was vaguely aware of Mr Savage holoding that belief beforehand, but it never impressed itself upon mke so forcefully before. It is very similar to the way in which a number of people didn't quite get a full sense of the objection to Dr Schwyzer until the recent kerfuffle.
94
Softcup sounds great (and a diaphragm works well too) but for those of us who bleed heavily or flood there's still a good chance of stained sheets and stained everything else. Best to get over the squeamishness.
95
Others have already commented on this, but if you're on birth control, there's no medical reason to have periods- aka it's not bad for you to skip them. When I was younger, I took the pill to alleviate cramps. It did lessen my cramps, but it failed to eliminate them, so she told me to just take it straight through and skip periods. At 13, I wasn't anywhere near being sexually active, so there wasn't actually a good reason for me to have periods (so she reasoned). Now that I'm actually using the pill for birth control, however, I'm glad I have the periods. I wouldn't feel weird without them, but the assurance that I'm not pregnant is worth it to me.
96
HSL, listen to Dan. The only difference between your situation and mine is my married guy only had two kids. I thought I could make it work and I got kicked in the teeth (metaphorically).
97
@3 lizdini go guzzle santorum
98
To HSL:
When I was 26, I got involved with a "straight" married man who was 39. It was the best sex I ever had, because we both taught each other a lot.

Yes, there were times when I cried when (at the last minute) he couldn't be with me, and when he and his family moved away, I was sad.

But through all of that, I knew where I stood, and it was still fantastic.

My advice to you is: take what you've got while you've got it, but be aware that it's going to go away and prepare for that.
99
Softcups are great. I guess they don't work for everyone, but when they work, they are awesome. On heavy flow days, put in a new one before sex. On lighter days, one will last 12 hours, easy.

Ever since having kids I have had to change my tampon every time I pee because they get wet and feel nasty. No such problem with the softcup. And even on a heavy-flow day, it lasts longer than most plane rides, so I don't have to deal with my period in a tiny filthy airplane lavatory.
100
Have to second @94: the Instead softcups are marvelous but they're not for everyone and they're often hard to find.

If you want to have sex during your period and you don't want to stain your sheets, get yourself a Liberator Throe.

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