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1101 East Pike St. Suite 300, Seattle, WA 98122
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I think it's helpful to be with someone the first time who likes you enough to care how it is for you and how you're doing the next day. I suppose with judicious interviewing you could find a bi male escort who would fulfill that. But figure out what you want from him first: a teacher who will see you through your first several times and be willing to provide some 'best gay boyfriend' type advice on what men do and don't like? A first time that feels in your control and that's it? A trial run at a boyfriend? (e.g. You guys go out to dinner and a show, you practice the flirting thing, the dating thing, the sex thing, and then you're more confident moving onward?)
I suspect this means it's pretty likely that VCARD's first experience with a male escort won't be very deeply fulfilling; but if said escort is a good person and has experience, he may at least help her get the mechanics of sex under control and show her some techniques. Which is better than nothing. Besides, not very many people have a first time that is really stellar, even when no escorts are involved.
Most women who "don't like it" are just insecure about having someone in that area (or insecure about getting off in front of someone or getting to the point in front of someone).
But some of us aren't insecure about our bodies or our sexuality and still just don't really dig people going down on us. I'm one of those people, maybe EAT is too. From her letter it sounds more like she's just insecure and distracted but there's a minor chance things are going the other way: she doesn't enjoy it and THAT makes her self-conscious/distracted while if she did enjoy it those things might be pushed out her head.
Just something to think on.
My advice would be to look for someone on the rebound or find an older guy who's recently divorced. That way you meet someone who is unlikely to want something serious. You can be honest that you're not looking for a serious relationship, but you don't have to tell them that you're only doing it to lose your virginity. That puts too much pressure on the guy and he might just bail. No matter how big of a loser you feel like, paint yourself in a positive light and when the time is right, say something like, "I'm interested in exploring my sexuality with the right person, but I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment." Most guys would be thrilled to hear that. Don't say anything that makes you sound clingy or crazy and as Dan always says- don't act like it's cancer. Act like you've got this amazing fun time to offer, b/c really, you do have that to offer. You don't even have to admit you are a virgin if you think it will freak the average guy out. Just put your cards on the table and have sex with a half-way decent normal guy who's also not looking for anything serious.
Also try keeping a diary. If it is much easier to come or much more enjoyable at some times of the month than others, then it is hormonal and perhaps perfectly normal. I am not on hormones, so I experience these fluctuations. Vibrators FTW.
Finally, what are you thinking while he's down there? For me, the hardest thing is keeping my head in the game. I don't know why, but it can be difficult just to focus on the sensation and not think (that is, worry) about other things. Worrying that I'm not going to come is the worst. What happens if you smoke some weed first?
Good luck.
I don't blame Mr Savage for this. After all, as he so eloquently points out, it's not his fault that the Christianists keep producing "virgins" with extensive experience on the anal side. I am a little less sanguine, though, about a future run by such junior Pharisees-in-training whose approach to the Bible is to figure out how to win by rule-sharking and gaming the system.
My next thought was that she doesn't need to hire someone; she needs to hire herself out. She could get what she wants and pick up an extra hundred bucks while at it. But then I thought of the nightmare that would be. Someone totally inexperienced trying to gage who's a good guy and who isn't. She'd probably pick up a cop on her first try.
So then I thought of how she ought to pretend she's not a virgin and just start dating and see where things take her. I reread her letter and am stuck on "so I can move on." Move on to what? It's hard to advise without knowing. Move on to a solid enjoyable relationship? Move on to rampant promiscuity? Move on to having had your first sexual experience be a horrible one that scars you for the future? That's not to say that everyone's first experience is automatically wonderful. It's usually not. But it's not usually scarring either.
I'm afraid that we have at present a shy, late blooming, average-looking, not-outgoing, unflirtateous virgin who thinks she's not very pretty from a conservative family, and after she picks up someone in a bar or from a classified ad, we're going to end up with a shy, late blooming, average-looking, not-outgoing, unflirtatious ex-virgin who thinks she's not very pretty from a conservative family. She apparently thinks the latter will be an improvement. I don't.
I'd work on helping her put to rest the idea that she's not pretty, and help her get over her shyness while coming to terms with her conservative family and the lies they convinced her of. When that's done, the rest is likely to follow in short order.
BINGO.
@13
Yeah, I'm actually with you on that one. When I was younger I used to give a little speech whenever people asked if I was a 'virgin'. About how it's totally homophobic (back then I had never heard of 'heterocentric') and crazy that a certain sex act has all this weight and is not only something you do (have sex or not) but something you are (a virgin or nonvirgin).
Anyway, I actually waited until a pretty reasonable age to lose my "virginity" but was sexually active for a few years before that. Most people just assumed I wasn't a virgin, though. Unfortunately there's a lot of weird shaming around being a virgin, especially past a certain age (that age varies depending on your culture/subculure, etc).
(For the record, I am one for whom PIV sex was a huge big deal in a positive way. I felt terrific for days after I lost my virginity, like there was a brass band playing behind every tree, and like I could high-five everyone I met. I'd joined the best club in the world. All that and the experience itself wasn't all it was cracked up to be, but at least I'd started the journey.)
I think Dan missed a lot of nuance on that answer. I immediately wondered, hey, is she actually concerned about the state of her vaginal corona, or is that not important (it's often out of the way by this age anyhow, according to Emily Nagoski)? Because if *that's* the deal she could get a hymenectomy or break it herself. And what has her solo experience been like? Surely that's relevant? If she hasn't even masturbated (gawd, I hope that's not the case, but one hears such stories), I think she should start with that.
I remember feeling this way: that lack of experience seemed paralyzingly huge. I was sure that my inexperience would render me ridiculous and undesirable. I saw my virginity, and all that it seemed to represent, as a burden I wanted to be relieved of so I could "start" my sexual life.
VCARD's acronym says that she's worried about her "retarded" development, so I'm guessing that she's had very little sexual experience.
The thing is, VCARD, you don't need an escort to do this. If you're not dating (and you might not be dating because you're too anxious and uncomfortable about your inexperience), take out an ad in the personals. Be honest, and say what you're looking for: someone who will help you explore your sexuality. So you're a late bloomer, so what? Offer yourself like a prize to be won (which you are) and cull through the responses until you find someone who is offering exactly whatever it is that you would hope to get from an escort.
The very first time have intercourse, it's likely to be disappointing, so a one-time get-it-over-with deal is probably not the best idea. Try to find someone who is thrilled to be the guy you try sex out with, understanding that "sex" includes lots of different activities and a certain amount of growing familiarity to feel comfortable. I know you want to jump in, get it over with, and move on with your life, but you may discover that you enjoy treating it less like a one-off and more like a learning unit lasting several sessions spanning several weeks.
Good luck. Take your time in finding the right candidate for the position, and have fun.
Culturally, women are kind of made to feel like their vaginas are gross and smelly and need to be douched, deoderized, waxed etc. But frankly, that's bullshit.
To most people that're into women, a healthy, freshly washed (soap and water only, plz) vagina smells and tastes just fine. And once you get the hang of it, eating pussy is pretty fun and sexy too. :)
So relax! The guys that are eating your pussy are probably loving it, or at the very least are turned on by seeing a woman get off that way.
So, what's going on in your head? If you have access to a nice, understanding guy, I strongly suggest asking him to go down on you while you just let yourself feel however you happen to feel. Pay attention to what's going through your head, and see if maybe you can work out where it's coming from.
There are lots of reasons you may feel like a guy going down on your is "gross". Do you fear you smell bad? Do you think vaginas in general look weird (or yours in particular)? Are you self-conscious because you think you get too wet? Has some insensitive guy in the past told you you're dirty or smelly or germ-ridden?
If you can track your feelings to their source, you may be able to deal with it and work on changing your feelings. *shrug* Or you might not. If you're enjoying sex but just don't like receiving oral, then what you really need to do is learn to accept that fact about yourself. :)
But seriously, if a guy says he likes giving head, it means he LIKES GIVING HEAD! Just relax and don't be afraid of being bossy if you don't like what he's doing. It's all about experimenting until you find what you like.
1. Make sure you get reliable birth control, like the Pill, and use it consistently. You don't want to end up with an unplanned pregnancy.
2. Practice safer sex so you stay healthy.
3. Being "average-looking" does not mean you will have trouble finding a guy to have sex with. Guys like a wide variety of people, not just the Barbie-doll types.
And what @18 said, that becoming sexually active is a process. That's why I asked if she wanted someone to 'get it over with' in a one-time way that's more in her control than a random guy from a bar, or if she wanted to practice the how to flirt and be on a date parts with sex as a sort of bonus. If she finds the right escort I would think the latter would be much more helpful.
And 15's last paragraph, that working on feeling more confident and at peace with herself is probably what she needs. Cashing the VCard isn't likely to make anything different and could be crummy enough to make it worse.
I don't think I even entirely took in the letters, just the V-emphasis. VCARD, one could wish, might have a slightly less dreary outlook on the post-initiation future.
As for EAT, while I don't get a sense that Mr Savage really thinks his second scenario is the more likely, I don't know that he's entirely correct. Having read two or three long accounts of women trying to get over their sexual blocks (and I fear I could not, if cross-examined, give any satisfactory reason, as I am not satisfied by my propensity for finding the storage drawers of my memory full of facts or data for which I shall never have any use), I am going to paraphrase Charlotte Lucas' early comment on mutual fulfillment in matrimony and say that, for many women with difficulties, climactic sex is entirely a matter of chance.
@6 also nails it for Virginity loser.
VCARD thinks she's not pretty enough to attract a man. Unless she has some major birth defect, something that would get her a place in a circus sideshow, men are attracted to her. They're attracted to thin hair, crooked smiles, big noses, broken out skin, small breasts, and a few extra pounds. Look around. Everywhere you go there are non-perfect women who have managed to attract men perfectly well. That's not to say that every relationship is exactly what these women might want, but the advertisers' idea that men will be turned off by her unless she uses their product is patently absurd.
And EAT. There are men who don't particularly like oral sex on women, but they're not the ones who are trying to go down on you. If they were disgusted by the natural smells and lubricants of women, they wouldn't be trying to get so close to them.
I wonder if this is a broken loop problem. The way you hope it works is that he's excited by the idea of eating her, and she's excited to be eaten. Her excitement feeds his excitement which, in turn feeds hers. If you break any segment of that loop, it falls apart. Perhaps some acting can help build it. By that, I mean that he makes it more obvious that he's thrilled to be doing what he's doing. Even when she says he doesn't have to, he says that he's been looking forward to it. Even if she's bored, she writhes and squeals anyway. It's worth a shot.
The other exercises to help one get over a distaste for one's own body include:
-Exploration in the bathtub or shower. Call it washing.
-A good look at yourself with a hand mirror.
-Touching yourself in a non-sexual way when alone and with the lights out. Touch and massage your own feet, legs, underarms and your own ass.
-Find a weekend when you can be alone. Experiment with not washing for a few days. (Except for your hands. Continue to wash them after peeing and pooping as usual.) You may be surprised by how little you smell.
-Photographs of women in non-porn, non-sexual situations. Think medical journals. It can do a world of good to discover how ordinary vaginas and vulvas can be. Remove the sexual element, and compare. They're not particularly ugly or anything else when you remove the mysterious element.
It was an ad on Craigslist that ended up solving my inexperience problem. Met a guy, chatted, became friends, (I had to tell him I was a virgin, and that scared the crap out of me), and then we moved on from there. It wasn't earth-shattering, but it was a huge relief.
I actually became kind of a slut afterward, which is fine, except I wasn't totally comfortable with my own choices. If I could do it over again, I'd be more discriminating. Once you get laid, you figure out just how easy it is for a girl to get laid. (I NEVER believed this before I had sex, but holy fuck it's easy.) Just because a guy wants to sleep with you doesn't mean you have to go along with it.
Good luck and be safe!
But more to the general point-- I'm putting myself back to my virgin days, and I do think there's a divide. Before I was used sex in my daily life, I thought sex was mysterious and had to be life-changing. Afterwards, I didn't understand what the big deal was. Now, it's easy for me to say that virginity isn't important. Before, I thought it was. It seems so stupid now, but there was a time when I thought each new sexual activity was a sort of hurdle to be jumped over: kissing, a boy's hand on my breast, his hand in my pants, some clothes off, a man going down on me, PIV sex, orgasm, fantasy play. Even things like taking a bath together or having sex outside. Each one was new and exciting before and quite normal and lovely afterwards.
Which is to say that a part of me knows where VCARD is coming from when she wants to get her virginity over with, while I simultaneously want to tell her that it's no big deal. I understand why she might think that PIV sex is the end all, while I simultaneously want to tell her that it's not, that it's only thing that she might like to do and try, and not necessarily the activity that she likes best.
If she's just worried, say, that it's impossible to eliminate every trace of urine and feces (I mean as in worrying that there might be some fecal smell no matter how clean she was), that seems a more ordinary thing to have to get over. I can remember thinking that way, and I'm pretty sure I thought the idea of oral sounded fabulous almost the first time I heard about it (I may have blocked out early "ew, gross" reactions, but they would have been when I was pretty young, anyway).
I don't know. I consider myself hetero (only ever fallen in love with women) but I'm not really interested in pussy. I'm probably an outlier. I have heard more or less the same thing said by self-identified heterosexual women about penises, though.
And if you want to turn in your v-card because you think that once you've done that, everything else will be so much easier, it probably won't end up working that way. If your real goal is to get on a path that will ultimately lead to fulfilling relationships (emotionally, or sexually, or both), I really doubt a one-time "just to get it over with" thing is going to help.
The only way to get on that path is to actually start at the beginning. I know it's hard, but that's just the way it is. How do I know it's hard? I was older than you by several years before it happened for me. Like craycray @33, I had my first kiss/boyfriend/all-the-sex-stuff at an age so advanced I'm still embarrassed to say the actual number. I'll just say it's somewhere between you and craycray.
If fulfilling relationships are really what you want, I'd recommend finding a decent guy whom you can be honest with early on, spending time getting comfortable, and trying new things at exactly the pace you want. I've found if you get the guy off, he's fine with not getting PiV right away. Mouth and hand techniques are valuable skills to know and refine. And if you're not completely comfortable with a dick-sized dildo in your vagina, use one (carefully!) on your own until you are. It will make things a lot easier.
Try to find the positive part of having your first experiences at an older age. If you feel awkward and uncomfortable doing all this for the first time now, try to imagine how much more awkward you would have felt doing these things as a teenager. Remember the ways you've grown as a person and how you've gotten to know yourself since then. It's not just sexual experience that makes you good in bed, it's life experience too.
You're an adult now, and you have far more ability to know what you really want and to make things happen the way you want them to. You're better able to say no to things you're not comfortable with, ask for things you want, and set firm rules for condoms and birth control. And even if you don't feel very comfortable, confident, and in control right now, just keep remembering teen-you.
As for finding the right guy in the first place, I'm afraid I don't have any advice about that, because that's always been my stumbling block. Still is. *Sigh*
If it's because you are trying to please the person administering it, then I'd say never mind. It's supposed to be for your pleasure. You don't have a responsibility to learn to like receiving a particular activity that does nothing for you. (Give it a try, yes; toil away at learning to like it, no.) By analogy that's like your friend the fabulous baker insisting that you learn to love cardamom in your apple pie, when your favorite dessert is chocolate cake. Sure it's great, but it's not your thing. Your friend should learn to take pleasure in giving you what pleases you.
If, on the other hand, it's because you think you are missing out on something awesome, then by all means go for it. I just don't think you need to make yourself jump through hoops in this case, unless it's for your own benefit; so being clear on your motivations is a good place to start.
There may be other factors involved, but your thinking it's gross down there is sufficient all by itself to spoil the experience for you. One fairly simple way to start getting over that one would be to make a bath part of your game plan. Coming to bed all squeaky clean on the outside (leave the inside alone; it's fine, and frankly you don't want to wash away your natural lubrication) hopefully will go a long way towards easing your fears about being gross. It's not gross, it's just some freshly cleaned, soft, pliable, wonderfully sensitive skin -- kind of like your lips, and those aren't gross, are they?
I'm not saying a bath is always necessary. Just suggesting it as a way to start getting used to the experience, to placate certain fears the first few times. Later, additional experience of undiminished enthusiasm by her partner under less than freshly bathed conditions should continue the process of getting over that fear. He loves it down there. Trust that.
Exactly.
@34:
At college, when we were drunk, the question wasn't so much if we had been kissed or fucked, but more how old we'd been the first time. The others just assumed everyone had done IT already. Or they at least pretended.
The men ALL seem to be able to convince themselves that I enjoy giving oral, when I have never said anything to that effect. So maybe that is what EAT has to do. Be like these men and convince yourself that your partner enjoys it. If you are actually experiencing any pain or discomfort though, maybe receiving oral is just not for you.
Because of your young age alone, you are sexy. Believe it. If you have any cleavage, use it. Or whatever your best feature is, show it off. Short skirt, tight skirt whatever. It could be an interesting experiment and would show you don't have to be pretty to be sexual. I think if she has cleavage, then there would be no problem getting a one night stand; however, safety first! I have never really done any of this, myself but I am sure many, many women have in their 20s.
I know that sounds like he was lying to me, but I don't think so, as the experience really fucked him up, sexually speaking. Those guys are NOT allowed to come until the woman has had her fill, so he had lost the ability to orgasm during sex. Also a superhuman tongue and submissive personality are needed.
But personal trainer, etc., is probably a better way. The woman needs to get to know the guy (as in regular life).
Also I once hired a male prostitute (wasn't sure I could commit adultery--my ex refused to give me a divorce and I wanted to show him I was serious). He said he was bisexual but didn't turn out to be. Got a great massage and lots of orgasms from his hands though--close enough to qualify as adultery so I was happy. On the other hand, it would have been a sucky experience for VCard loss.
So Dan's wrong on two of these. Male gigolos do exist but they are tricky to find. His advice on becoming a personal trainer is good though. And hooker is not the way to go on a woman losing her virginity. I think a better way would be for her to ask a trusted friend for recommendations on old boyfriends who might be up for the job, someone gentle and skilled. Just about ANY nice guy would be willing to help a lady out with that.
I've pretty much come to grips with the fact that I'm not going to have sex (the idea of a male escort is too extreme for me, at least right now), but it is a little sad watching friends get married, have babies, etc. I don't even know what question I would ask anyone reading this - I guess it just feels good to get this off my chest.
I tend to assume that covering up a bit is also something of a twit filter, but it's a very personal (and situation-dependent) thing.
The first time doesn't need to hurt. It really depends if your hymen was that strong to begin with, and if you did any sports during which you might have stretched/ ripped it anyway.
Just ask your gynecologist about it.
To EAT - Ask your next boyfriend to touch himself while giving you oral (climb on top of his face). Once you see his erotic response, it might help convince you that 99% of straight men love giving for its own sake. I would have thought it was 100% but see @36.
Getting used to the friction of sexual penetration (especially with condoms) is a separate issue, but can generally be handled with more lube. See also http://www.thedirtynormal.com/2011/02/19….
I think there are plenty of people your age around who either haven't had sex at all or have had relatively little. It doesn't make you a hopeless prospect by any means.
So I guess my response to you is this: I am in the same boat, but even though I am extremely apprehensive of the pain thing, I am working with myself, and with toys, getting used to my body, and my responses. I'm also trying to be more open to being in a relationship so that I can integrate the sex stuff with the boring, mundane, Tuesday-is-Scrabble-night stuff. There's no rule that says dating=sex. Stick with what makes you comfortable. And who knows- maybe someday, we'll both meet people who click with us, and who are understanding and wonderful, and we get through it and live mostly-happily-ever-after.
I have a lot more hope for that than I used to.
If having no sex is something you want, then go ahead. But it seems to me you would like to have sex, but haven't found the right situation yet. I suspect that if you talk to good friends (and again to your gynecologist), they will allay your fears and apprehensions.
Having sex for the first time is in many ways no bigger deal than doing anything else for the first time. Do you remember the first time you applied for a job and were selected? Your first paycheck? The first time you drove a car? The first time you traveled abroad? The first time you got on an airplane? The first time you lived by yourself, after leaving your parents' house?...
The only problem is that there's this concept of virginity in our society, and people are so terriblly afraid of being judged by their partners... 'What is he going to think if he finds out I have no experience and have no idea what I'm supposed to do in bed?' I suppose, if he's not an asshole or someone with his own issues and problems, pretty much the same thing that the first person who ever played tennis (or chess, or checkers, or cards...) with you would: try to help you, teach you the ropes, and make you enjoy it. After all, any shared activity becomes more fun when all participants enjoy it.
So it's okay to sexually harass someone who's just doing his job? because there's this monolithic idea that "men put out"? ICK. Even presupposing that most men don't mind casual sex (and I've met plenty who would be horrified), that's not to say they want to hook up with just any random woman who hires their time for a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ACTIVITY. In any case, how the heck would you know that particular guy was even into women?
@55, indeed meeting the right person helps a lot. But I've noticed myself that being too afraid also makes us sometimes skip people who might be right (or at least OK) for us -- our imaginations are often better at creating worst-case scenarios than at doing realistic empirical evaluations.
English (like Western languages) has a word for someone who has not had sex yet ('virgin'), but not for someone who has not yet been gainfully employed, or not yet traveled abroad, or not yet cooked a meal. I wonder if this simple fact -- the existence of the word -- doesn't contribute to the idea that there should be a mystique around it.
There are also quite a few girls born with little or no vaginal corona to begin with. I thought it was just a figure of speech for many years. I was gobsmacked to find out it was a real physical phenomenon.
It doesn't have to be sexual harassment, it could be a simple transaction, which the man in question would be perfectly free to refuse.
But maybe what Marrena above meant was more akin to trying to seduce the personal trainer -- i.e., without explicit negotiation? That would indeed be a different situation.
Easy way to kill two birds with one stone: start masturbating. Most of the women I know who think vaginas are "gross" don't or rarely masturbate, and can barely stomach It's amazing how many women don't masturbate, thereby continuing to allow themselves to think of themselves and their genitals as also disgusting. But if you spend a lot of time figuring out what's going on down there, then not only will you eventually get comfortable with that part of your anatomy, but you'll also know exactly what parts of you need to be stimulated, and in what way, and then you can give a good partner good pointers. And if you aren't entirely comfortable using your hands, go out and get yourself a toy! That makes it easier for a lot of women.
If you already masturbate, great! Then utilize what you already know to give your guy some pointers. If he's a good partner, he'll be receptive. If he's not (I've been with guys who inexplicably got angry when I tried to explain what I wanted), than I would recommend getting a new partner.
But with how little focus is placed on understanding female anatomy or sexuality in our culture, not much is going to change until you know what you want and can communicate that to your partner. Or, find a partner who has already been taught a lot by a woman who was comfortable. Even so though, in a healthy relationship, a woman still has to be able to communicate what she wants to her guy because women's experiences and preferences are all very different.
And how would offering to pay him make it better? I don't have anything against sex work, but in our society being treated like a sex worker when you're not one is generally considered a huge insult.
Marrena wrote: The nice thing about a personal trainer is that they are generally focused on their clients, it's a one-on-one relationship conducive to intimacy and physical contact, and it's a service position.
Those are all excellent reasons why you should RESPECT THEIR JOB, and not try to turn it into something it's not. Someone's in a service position, therefore they're quite likely to act like a sex worker? WTF?
If I wanted to use the services of a straight male personal trainer, I would particularly value their being able to work with my body in a specifically nonsexual way. That would be really, really important to their being able to do their job right. I would respect and honor them for it, just as I respected and honored the straight male coaches I had in high school who were able to work with me appropriately.
If a guy propositions the waitress in terms of a simple transaction, it would be considered harassment. So why would it be ok if a woman propositions her personal trainer?
However, I wouldn't recommend having sex with someone who you do not know from before. Escort or someone one-night stander. Unless that is exactly what you are looking for .. that you don't want this person to appear anymore in your life. In my experience it's better if you have it with someone who expresses at least some level of respect for you and you can get at least some enjoyment out of the first time. Especially since you may be insecure already and adding a bad experience on top may not exactly help you in "moving on".
I also hope that you are more or less comfortable with your body and know the bits and tricks what make you hot and wet. And that you know how to express yourself in bed. If you cannot imagine asking the guy put a condom on, you shouldn't have sex.
And even though you may feel right now the most inexperienced person, you are STILL much better off being virgin at 26 than at 16 and trying then to figure out things. Make that to your benefit! Best of luck to you.
Yes.
I realize it can be different for different people. I'm not putting anyone down if they experienced differently, but for me, it was as I described: substantially wonderful. Not the sex itself; that got better with time and practice, but that fantastic "I did it! Woot! Woot!" feeling was unlike any other.
I am unable to divorce it from societal expectation. Would it be different if Society had taught me to expect something different? Sure, probably, but what's your point? I may be one of the lucky ones who didn't attach shame to virginity loss. For me, it was joining the club of all the good things that come with growing up and getting out there.
Were there other good firsts? Sure, yes, but again, what's your point? I was elated the first time I gave a successful lecture in front of a large and appreciative audience. I also got a kick out of my first hollandaise sauce that didn't break. There are many things in life that one looks forward to with a mixture of anxiety and awe, but honestly, nu, it was a lot more fun than eating bacon.
Sexuality, and Society’s Assault on the Self
A commentary on John Irving’s new book In One Person
John Irving’s latest novel, In One Person, is a timely statement about men and women, the nature of sexuality, and society’s assault on the self. Although a work of fiction, the book faithfully reports the real-life struggles of certain people to become who they were destined to be; people different from the rest of us, people often labeled as “aberrant” and “deviant.” As e.e. cummings accurately observed, “To-be-nobody but yourself-- in a world that is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.” The importance of becoming an individual in one’s own right, as expressed in Irving’s novels and in much of e.e. cummings’ poetry and prose, is the theme of a forthcoming book The Self Under Siege: A Therapeutic Model for Differentiation co-authored by my father Robert Firestone, Joyce Catlett, and myself.
Here are the links http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-fires…
I suppose Marrena was thinking about seduction rather than sex work -- a situation that many people romanticize. But with the concept of sexual harassment, it would seem 'legitimate' seduction would have to happen in non-work environments like bars or clubs, which is again not the situation under which personal trainer and client meet.
Because this is the difference -- intensity, right? Having the first sex was 'more fun' (not so much because of the sex, but because of the elation of joining the grownups club, if I understand you correctly), not 'a different, incomparable kind of fun'?
Just curious. (For me, having the first sex wasn't such a great experience, not only because the sex was average at best, but because it occurred in the context of a relationship that wasn't going to work and was already full of red flags that I was doing my best to ignore. So that first sex felt, in retrospect, like an attempt at making that relationship be something that it was not. Because of that, I wasn't so much feeling like high-fiving everybody the next day as I was trying to read the signs on her face, about how she felt and what that would mean for us.
As you say, it's a personal experience, with individual colors.)
Same here. I don't much like remembering it for that reason. I'll also add that while in my case the sex itself was perfectly fine, considered as a physical experience, it didn't seem enough different from other sorts of messing around that it felt terribly new and special to me. So okay, I had an orgasm. It was -- not that different from hundreds of others in previous years.
At least I know not to be full of regrets if I die without visiting Brazil; you have kindly shown me that the natives would probably not be much to my taste - not that there's any reason they should be. Very lucky that my one trip away from North America brought the Dutch to my attention - I was so pleased with them I missed my return flight.
I think I'm inclined to agree with Ms Eirene about seduction, and, still being in something of a point-giving mood, shall give her a point for registering and backing it up with reasonable commentary.
And I shall give Miss Dashwood two points for the obvious reason. Although I can offer her no technical advice, I do wish her luck in deciding and finding what she really wants, and will only say that it could have been rather worse; she could have been Miss Elliot (I shall not insult the assembled company by adding - [E], not [A]).
This has to be the first time I've read most of the comments on a SL (let alone left my own), and that's purely because of how disappointed I was with the column itself. Sadly, most of the commenters did a better job than Dan himself.
ALMOST ALL PEOPLE SEEKING SEX ARE MEN- NOT WOMEN.
But, but, but...I thought from reading all the comments here that women were so sexually deprived and it was all the mean old men who are not putting out- or at least that women experience sexual denial just like men. THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE SEXES AFTER ALL!
WRONG!!!!!!!!!!
Welcome to reality ladies. At least y'all are consistent- if you didn't complain about this it would be something else.
ANY woman can get sex almost ANY time she wants. Men do NOT have that option unless they pay for it or "get lucky." Case closed now STFU up and spread your legs.
On the second letter: "You don't have to like the idea of eating pussy to enjoy having yours eaten." I realized that long ago with gay sex- You don't have to enjoy sucking cock in order to......"
Continuing the theme, the advice to "concerned" was ridiculous. A 26 y/o virgin female does NOT need to see a male escort. If she just wants a one time thing she could have been beaten terribly hard with an ugly stick, be hideously fat, and smelly, with the overpowering flavor of wild berry scented minipads and bloody gash in the air- and she could STILL raffle off her virginity for several thousand dollars on e-bay. Put out a singles ad girl. Exchange some pics, follow internet safety and meeting protocols. The horny boys will be beating off down to your door.
This is wrong as a matter of law, a matter of policy, and fails the test of reasonableness. First, a person who hires a service provider cannot sexually harass his employee- because the employee is a CONTRACTOR not an employee. Second, "a sexual move of ANY type" is NOT sexual harassment. Most people have sex with someone at work or school- in your ridiculous world of blazing feminists you would pathologize NORMAL HUMAN SEXUALITY. Third, if you ask and take "No" for an answer this is NOT hostile work environment sexual harassment. It was never quid-pro-quo harassment. You have NO RIGHT to stop my free speech in asking the question.
Nice try girls, but I have a right to ask the question: "Hey baby, would you like to wrap your spikes around my head, come on, I have a salami I've gotta hide?" This is crude and perhaps rude but it is NOT sexual harassment unless (at the very basic minimum) it is asked repeatedly. Keep that bullcrap in your women's studies classes and stop looking for some deep pocket to sue for your imagined grievances.
@78 " ... THERE IS NO DEMAND FROM FEMALE CLIENTS.
ALMOST ALL PEOPLE SEEKING SEX ARE MEN- NOT WOMEN. ..."
The inherent sexual supply/demand imbalance stems from human biology.
Males are wired to be ready for sex at any time. Females are only truly sexual in the way males are when they are near ovulation. That's about one week in four. About 2 weeks in 4 they're more interested in relationships/bonding than driven by the sexual demand for reproduction. The last week they're not interested in sex at all (during PMS & early menstruation).
Females also have a shorter reproductive sexual lifespan than men (men are basically sexual from puberty until death ... women are sexual from puberty until menopause).
Understand that I'm not saying women don't ever have sex after menopause or when they're not ovulating ... I'm just saying that the drive is not as urgent at those times.
This is why human male demand for sex always outstrips the human female supply of it.
"Although not every instance of inappropriate sexual behavior may fit the legal definition of sexual harassment, such behavior in the workplace undermines morale and violates the Postal Service’s standards of conduct. Disciplinary action may result even if the conduct is not sexual harassment under the law. The Postal Service owes its employees a safe, productive, and inclusive workplace and can tolerate nothing less."
Seems to me there must be a term for an individual act that's the sort of thing sexual harassment consists of. I tend to call such an act "sexual harassment" as shorthand, as I think lots of people do, but if it's necessary to preserve the legal term of art unstained, well, there's clearly a need for a more general term.
In any case, I don't give a damn whether the guy would have a legal case. I'm talking about the morality of harassing him on the job, especially making the assumption that the line of work he's in makes him likely to do sexual favors. I don't think a decent person would do it.
Frankly, I'm with @63, Eirene, here, even if you aren't (I couldn't care less!), and would prefer to work with a personal trainer in a non-sexual way that focuses more on improving my own health and personal well-being.
A friend is in her mid-20s. She's confident, nice, pretty, smart. She's laughs easily and has no trouble making friends. She comes from a liberal family where she's had no nasty baggage attached to sexuality, quite the opposite in fact. Family friends have come in all stripes of gay to straight, married or not. Everyone has been accepted. The religion she was brought up in taught acceptance and kindness. They make fun of fundamentalists. She's had full sex education and has no reason to have learned to attach sex to shame.
She wasn't the most popular in high school or college, but she always had a circle of female friends to hang out with. She hasn't seemed interested in going out of her way to seek masculine attention. She wasn't interested in the immature boys in high school. She got a great education at an all-women's college. She's gotten along fine with whatever men she's worked with. She's got a job in this economy working with children. She seems happy.
So this seems like a non-problem, and yet I wonder. I don't want her to be desperate to get rid of her virginity in another few years. As near as I can tell, she's never been kissed. She could be asexual or lesbian. If she's lesbian, I wonder that she would have hooked up with a young woman at her school. There was certainly an obvious enough lesbian presence there.
Would a friend who wants only the best for her to something? What?
Sexual tastes vary from person to person and cannot be generalized.
Are you one of those heterosexual guys who feels he MUST be in total control of his wife / girlfriend / significant other at ALL TIMES, including when she reaches orgasm, otherwise---(shudder!)---perish the THOUGHT? Are you by any chance one of those so-called militant "pro-lifers" who violently protests Planned Parenthood clinics, and really couldn't care less about the health of an aborted unborn fetus, but instead would rather see all women and girls barefoot, pregnant, and voiceless?
THIS, not your Wrong-Way-Roger analysis, is why the sex drive among so many heterosexual women nationwide has dropped so historically low.
The hideous GOP "War on Women" has left many of us--ME, anyway---sexually disinterested and otherwise, happily inactive.
It came up in highschool, not college.
But I guess everyone sees it differently. Don't get me wrong, I had some excitement about my 'classic' loss of virginity and chose the person very carefully. But those hurdles were all cleared pretty fast and early and close together so I don't remember them.
There was someone I used to work with who I chatted about sex with. One time the subject of threesomes came up and I said I had only done it once when I was sixteen and didn't much care for it. Much later the subject of losing virginity came up and I said I was sixteen. He was surprised. "You had your first threesome the same year you lost your virginity?" And I stopped and thought "huh... I guess I never thought about it before but... yeah it was like 4 months later".
@49
I am a big ole baby who does not like pain at all. But! I personally found two things
1. Hymen breaking didn't hurt for me, so it might not for you either.
2. Sex did still hurt for me because I'm built small BUT that pain signal gets overridden real fast in my experience, and totally worth it.
Best of luck. I am somewhat younger than you but I have several friends that are virgins and I have no doubt that they will be able to change that in the future if they want to.
Um yeah... let me guess: you don't actually study science or physiology in any way. It shows, son.
Have you never discussed the issue? I have friends around that age who are virgins and I've definitely talked with them about the reasons why. It seems unusual it's never come up even in a superficial way?
Maybe she just likes being single.
Your question implies that something is wrong with her being single and a virgin; because why otherwise would you think she needs help?
When I was in my mid-20ies, single and haven't had PiV sex before, I didn't discuss that with my friends because I was afraid to show my inferiority by admitting to that.
In the end, when I already had resigned myself to a single life forever, I met a guy who was just enough removed from my normal circle of friends that I felt safe enough with him to relax and show him I was also interested in him. I could be open and honest with him about my sexual past because I knew even if he was a gossip (which he wasn't at all), my friends wouldn't find out about my lack of experience.
So, for me the main problem with having limited romantical and sexual experience in my 20ies was that it made me feel judged by and inferior to my friends. (That wasn't my friends' fault: I lived in different countries and towns in my 20ies, and I always cringed when the topic came to sex wih a new set of acquaintances and friends.)
I blame my highschool years when having a friend trying to help me made me feel unattractive, inept and awkward. So, if your friend is in any way like me "helping" her would do the opposite.
Brazil is of course more than its inhabitants, who, anyway, are as varied a bunch as any other group of 190 million people could be. But, since I myself (despite being Brazilian) am no big fan of Brazilians, I will not protest against your opinion. After all, many a Brazilian also comes back from the US with similarly negative feelings about Americans (as I was dismayed to find out in several of the get-togethers organized by the local Brazilian consulate).
Indeed seduction only makes sense if one partner has a reason not to have sex that must be overcome. But if you go back to earlier times, I suspect the romanticization of seduction comes from the fact that the reason in question was, even then, half assumed (perhaps rightfully so) to be really the wrong reason -- the fear of sex making you impure or dirty ('losing one's virginity'), social conventions, widespread stereotyeps about 'fallen women', the idea that self-respecting women weren't supposed to want or enjoy sex, etc.
The game of seduction has been a strong motif in literature, both with its good (Mme de Rênal) or bad (Anna Karenina) consequences. Whether or not it is beautifully described, one does wonder if the romanticization isn't simply a way to mask the fact that people were supposed not to communicate about it. In traditional seduction, the least the participants talk about what is going to happen, the better -- both can pretend that 'nothing is happening' until it is too late. Apparently even the libertines of yesteryear often thought that sex was 'bad' in itself, and that the best way to get it was to keep pretending that one was not going to get it for as long as possible... until it starts. Sex was seen as something that 'overpowers' you -- because no serious self-respecting person would actually plan it, this 'animal', 'base' activity, Satan's temptation; one could yield (!) only if the internal pressure (desire, 'Satan's temptation') becomes, against one's conscious intentions, so strong that one simply couldn't resist. Especially in the case of women.
Strange, isn't it?
I suppose I can forgive myself for having thought at the time that this would solidify our relationship and solve our problems. Of course it didn't. So, in retrospect, thinking about that first time makes me think of hopes that didn't materialize, which saddens me. It reminds me of how easy it is to cling to little facts ('but she liked oral with me so much!') and attribute them meanings they don't (and didn't) have, just because we, when we are young, so much want life to be like a fairy tale.
A note about the word 'conservative' in regards to my family: it isn't really in relation to politics, but lifestyle (and I couldn't think of a better term). Although I feel close to my parents and siblings, we don't hug, or kiss, or say "I love you," - ever. My parents vote generally liberal, but I honestly have no idea their thoughts on issues like gay marriage and abortion, because love/sex/relationships were simply not topics of conversation in my house. So I guess maybe Puritan would be a better term?
Responding to some of the comments/questions:
Yes, all of you are correct in assuming that I have virtually no experience whatsoever. Kissed three guys. That's it.
I hate the term 'losing it,' too (but it's better than 'deflowering'! Eughh!), and I know logically that I shouldn't be ashamed, etc... but I still feel ashamed. Truth is, it's NOT normal to be 26 and a virgin in our society, and while being abnormal can be a good thing, I'd at least like it to be by choice. I think that's what I meant by 'moving on' - with each passing year, I just feel less and less like I can relate to my peers. It's a sucky feeling. Missing out on the usual teen rites of passage as a teen was one thing, but having STILL not done them ten years later just feels wrong/depressing. The confidence issue becomes cyclical.
Regarding what I'm looking for: believe it or not, I really am not looking for a relationship right now. Maybe I'm jaded and bitter (I hope not), but I honestly can't imagine meeting a guy that I care about, just because it's never yet happened. (This is probably the epicenter of the issue). I also really don't like the idea of any guy knowing that he was my first time and feeling proud about it, or something. I think it would make me feel inferior to him for the rest of our relationship. That's why the idea of a professional sounded appealing, because I'm sure they've dealt with worse cases than mine.
Crinoline - my first kiss at 18 sounds similar to your reaction to first PIV. I didn't like the guy, and it was not physically enjoyable, but I was so happy and relieved to have finally done it! So that's kind of what I'm aiming for here. (For the record, guys #2 and #3 were enjoyable).
Dating: I've gone on dates with dozens of men (mainly from online). I've only 'dated' two, and I didn't really like either. I do know I'm not asexual, though, because I like porn and fantasizing, and it's a lot of pent up frustration that's driving me to consider the escort route.
College: yep, I've definitely been asked if I'm a virgin, and I try to demure but they can always tell I'm lying. The tone of the question is either demanding, like they've discovered my 'secret,' or gentle and sympathetic, like I have a disease. I give off a very naive/innocent vibe - people are also frequently surprised to hear me swear and learn that I drink. It sucks. I've actually tried to swear more to combat this. Hah!
'Firsts': my point exactly. I want to get past this, so it isn't a big deal any more. But I'm sure it was a big deal for all of you BEFORE it happened.
Dressing up: Strangely enough, I have regressed on this one. In my teens I lived in short-shorts and tank tops and was largely oblivious to any male attention that might have garnered. Now a single catcall from some mangy guy makes me feel dirty and exposed. I don't get it, either.
Miss Dashwood - I'm fortunate enough to have an incredibly high pain-tolerance threshold. But I am worried that if there was blood or something, I would just be embarrassed beyond belief. Anyway, it's nice to know others are in the same boat - thanks for sharing :) (And Irina, too!)
Professor - your last paragraph is hilarious, but the 'any woman can get sex anytime' type statement has not been my experience at all.
Crinoline again - regarding your friend. Despite the way I described myself, on the surface I probably come across very much like her. I get along well with everyone, I have a great education, a few close friends, hobbies and work I enjoy, and seem very happy (and really, I am in other aspects of my life). So without knowing your friend, I'd say it would definitely be a good idea to broach the topic *gently* with her. I only have one friend who knows about my utter lack of experience, and it was because she was the one who initiated the conversation. I'm sure I was standoffish at first because I've NEVER talked about this with anyone before, but now I'm very grateful to have one person in my life that I can be honest with. Maybe she can find the same comfort in you.
mydriasis regarding Crinoline's friend: believe me, I am a master at keeping conversations away from sexual experiences. ;) Her friend could be the same.
I hope this was helpful in explaining things a bit better. Sorry I'm so long-winded :p
Your situation sounds very much like mine 10 years ago, just that I had "made out" with some guy or other every other year or so.
What helped me when I met the guy who I had sex the first time was that we didn't have a common social circle. If it hadn't worked out, we would probably never have seen each other ever again. So, I was save from gossip within my social circle.
He was a bit more pleased about me being a virgin than I liked. But then he told me he had had sex for the first time in his mid-20ies himself. It made me realise that a lot more people have little to no experience in their 20ies than popular culture makes us think. We stayed together for 6 years. Since then I have turned to Craigslist and I have had mostly good experiences.
For you, Craigslist might really be the best solution: one can be completely honest because it is unlikely one meets these people again unless one wants to.
The fact you're worried about your abnormal virginity is more a reflection of the degree of importance our society gives to sex -- it just can't be like everything else, it has to be this biiig thing that marks your official entry into adulthood or something -- which means people start wondering what is wrong with them if they haven't yet 'solved this problem'. I wished I could change the way you feel about it. Can you imagine what the world would be like if every person who hasn't yet tried to learn French (call them 'French virgins') felt the same way about this language that you feel about your virginity?
I can understand your reasons for prefering to make use of professional help. Dan's advice is quite good, and you can try to follow it. But, speaking from personal experience, it would probably be better to talk to friends, male or female -- friends who you can trust not to judge you just because of your 'abnormality' (there always are some friends who are good enough for that; the trick is to avoid the assholes) -- for help and advice.
Also, I hope you realize that you won't 'completely change' after your first sexual experience, with a professional or an amateur, just as people don't just start speaking fluent French after they've had their first lesson. The sex will probably be only about average, and there will be lots of things you still won't know or understand about it, things you'll discover only gradually as you go to bed with other people. But if you do get the same feeling of happiness you got after your first kiss, hey, that is worth it. Like someone who, after their first French lesson, goes around happily smiling and thinking 'I'm studying FRENCH! Oh là là!' :-)
On one hand, you state that the importance of sex is probably overstated by society.
But then you fall into the same trap by stating that the sex will probably only be average. Why do you feel it is necessary to warn her? Where does VCard say that she expects it to be great sex?
And this whole concept of "great sex" really annoys me (not your fault). I like sex, I enjoy it a lot. Sometimes it is better, sometimes less so. But even if it is one of the "worse" times, it can still be a good experience.
Same goes for masturbation. When I masturbate, sometimes it is better, sometimes less so, sometimes I orgasm, sometimes I don't. Still, it is almost always a good experience.
I have never been warned that "it is likely the first time you masturbate it is only average or even disappointing". So why do people do that when it comes to sex with another person?
You're right about it being a much bigger deal before than after. Though in terms of fitting in, a one time event probably wouldn't change anything in discussions of boyfriends, sex, etc. Married in MA isn't around, but his wife was older and a virgin, and it was a truth about her that wasn't the big thing of their early relationship at all. Some guys might flee, some might get more excited than you want, and some might just view it as a thing about you, and not even the main thing.
Re blood: that varies hugely, from none to bad period levels. Less is likely as you get older because the corona gradually widens. However--having been on the lots of pain, bad period end of the bell curve, and really not appreciating the naive assertions that I must have had an uncaring partner or no stretching or done it wrong somehow, because it SAYS a lot of women don't have pain and bleeding right here in the official VCard pamphlet--is this something a gynecologist would be willing to help with? I honestly don't know, but can't see why breaking the hymen with anesthesia involved should be a big deal.
The trend amongst older virgins in this thread is that they are no longer with their first lover, but that they did find someone, it worked for a time, and they had other lovers afterward. I think there is something to the figuring out, viscerally, how it all works (the relationship part, and how that led into sex) that makes the 'you're a woman, you can find sex partners' thing suddenly kick into gear. I think you'd be better off with the dating thing--most dates don't work out, until finally one does--but if you decide to go the escort route, consider whether you want a one-night just-sex thing that feels all in your control, or someone who will play act picking you up at the bar and having small talk (going on Dan's wondrous description of his night with a female escort here--he loved her jacket) so you get the whole date thing as practice. Completely anecdotal, but there were a couple of 'night with a porn star' stories and the one that worked out happily was the one where they had a lot of talking first, establishing more of a connection. They didn't see each other after, but the ramp up was talking, not 'okay, sex, go.' A good escort is good at making a human connection to people--I've heard of guys with a regular who wind up sometimes just hiring her for the talking part, as they finish working through whatever it was. So don't ignore that side of it.
That doesn't mean that there couldn't be an individual who doesn't have sexual desire. Also, sexual desire can't be entirely separated from other basic human desires for companionship, friendship, touch, validation. It may be fun as an exercise to think about what's a desire for sex and what's a desire for being cuddled, but ultimately, you're not going to get far separating them completely. The hormones kick in, and people want sex.
There's a huge amount of innate variation in what one likes; there is cultural influence on what we grow to like, and there is individual difference in our experiences that similarly influence what we learn to like. In that way, yes, sex is like playing a musical instrument, but it has the potential to be way, way more.
On the one hand, it makes sense to tell a newcomer (I'm searching for a word that doesn't have the baggage that virgin does) not to expect too much on the first try. On the other hand, that doesn't mean that it's not worth jumping in the game. Sex is not only as much fun as winning a ping pong tournament. It is in a class by itself.
If you do get that feeling of a brass band playing behind every tree after your first successful sexual experience (however that's defined for you personally-- could be PIV sex, could be orgasm, could be oral or whatever), glory in it. Run around with that smile on your face (the smile that you think is private and that some perceptive people will recognize right away). (And those perceptive people aren't judging you. They're happy for you and thinking of their own good memories.) Look forward to this with joy overcoming your anxiety. This is a good thing.
How is "the importance of sex is probably overstated by society" and "the sex will probably be average" a contradiction? To me, these are two completely independent points.
VCARD doesn't say she expects 'great sex', but many people -- with their imaginations fueled by cultural fairy tales about SEX! -- do expect so. I added a cautionary tale just in case. (Did you notice how several people in this thread independently said their first time was not great sex, even when they -- like Crinoline -- enjoyed the fact that they now were past that milestone?)
Sex is a great experience. But cultural expectations make people expect a lot more than is really delivered, especially in the first time. There is a lot of wrong assumptions linked to it -- from the pain that the girl is supposed to always feel, to Cosmo-fueled techniques that are supposed to be 'great!' but often don't even work for you. (Have you noticed how many ladies here have said oral sex doesn't do much for them, or at least doesn't come easily -- while many a man's magazine will claim that going down on a woman is the One Guaranteed Way to make them see stars?)
I'm glad you had't been warned that the first time you masturbate it will be disappointing. I was. There were several things I was told about masturbation (by slightly older and supposedly more experienced boys) that I had to unlearn, because they turned out to be false (at least in my case).
Whenever you're not enjoying yourself during sex, you shouldn't be silently wondering whether the guy is really enjoying himself, you should be telling him that whatever is going on is doing nothing for you.
Being giving is A-OK - but you have to communicate that it's a "giving" scenario happening, that is to say, one where you are not enjoying yourself, and where you're participating in only because you expect him to be enjoying himself immensely. Communicating about it being a gift will make sure that it's understood that what's expected next is another "giving" sexual activity, but now for your own exclusive profit. If no "giving" scenario from him were to happen, after a pussy-eating session doing nothing for you, stop sex and dump him.
Another point : at least 70% of females orgasm through clitoridal stimulation, oral or otherwise. If you're young, you may have not yet figured what you like in sex. Experiment on your own (masturbation, vibrators) and then explain what works to your male partners. Having one's pussy eaten is not compulsory, even though a great majority of women orgasm from it, when it's done according to their likes and dislikes.
If you're not getting any orgasm out of sex while your male partner is having one each time - you're not sexually compatible. Dump. Try sex again with other partners, maybe more experienced.
It seems to me you think I'm telling VCARD not to 'enter the game' or that she won't enjoy sex. I think I am clearly not saying that; I am only trying to counter exectations that 'sex will always be a firework-like experience', which indeed happens but not every time (and often not the very first time). Also, I'm not telling her not to feel elated with having had her first sex -- I'm just saying that expecting this may lead to disappointment, since in many people's experiences this is not how it happened. But if it happens to you in the very first time -- by all means enjoy it. Just don't think there's something wrong with you in case you don't feel like that afterwards.
As for culture and sex... it's OK if we agree to disagree. But I hope you won't be bored if I address one of your points? If it seems we simply won't agree about that, I will also do my best to avoid just repeating stuff.
Sex and sexual desire are clearly not 'just an expectation of society'. But so are hunger, thirst, the need for security, speaking a language, having a culture. There are no human groups out without any of these, and you can measure how strong the impulses are that they cause in people by simply counting the number of wars that were started because of them.
All those things, besides being clearly cross-cultural and instinctive, are also strongly shaped by society. Which is why, even though we all instinctively feel hunger as a biological phenomenon, our cultures have developed so many kinds of food, so many cuisines, and so many taboos related to food (kosher, halal, etc.). The pain felt at violating one of those food taboos is very real (just ask a Tiriyó indian who was made to eat his "pïyai" [taboo] food while in his resting period after his wife gave birth [they think it's the husband who has to rest after birth, or else the baby will have a weak spirit]).
The emotions we feel because of social restrictions and rules are very deep, very intense, very strong. Which shows the extent to which humans, as the co-creation of nature and culture, can let their brains (= culture) after their bodies (= physically felt emotions). If you ever happen to see someone do a (to you) strange thing because of their culture -- say, something absent in your culture, so it seems strange to you --, I believe you will have a very hard time convincing said person that what s/he is doing is not dictated by nature. This person's reaction will be very similar to yours now -- whatever she is doing is 'deeply felt in her bones' as necessary and has to be that way, it's a simple direct experience, etc.
Note that I'm not denying that there are universals and direct experiences -- only that the way to tell them is not simply by checking how intense the feelings/emotions are that they generate in you. Non-universal, non-direct, culture-mediated feelings and experiences can also be very strong.
(By the way, why do people tend to react as if saying that something is culture-mediated made it bad. I don't necessarily think so. Language is clearly culture-mediated, and I would never say languages are bad. Even if people's feelings about sex were created by culture to a large extent, that wouldn't necessarily make them bad. Where does this immediate association -- culture-mediated -> bad -- come from?)