Columns Jul 18, 2012 at 4:00 am

Destructive Criticism


I'm pretty sure there are instructional books and videos on how to give good head. Just a thought.
I've only enjoyed receiving fellatio from one of my female partners - I'm 30 and have had my fair share. However, I've never really enjoyed fellatio with anyone else, and I am completely clueless as to how her technique differed than the approaches taken by my other partners.

So, although the guy from the first inquiry is indeed a total asshole, I can understand how difficult it would be for a non-asshole to try and give constructive criticism.
From a woman who has had only one sexual partner and gives amazing head: read a damn book already. But part of giving really good head is really enjoying giving head. And my husband's cunnilingus skills are indeed lacking, but I like giving more than I like getting.
Maybe if *the husband* does something mutual for her while getting the bj it might make things more exciting for the both of them.
@4-how about some type of *specific* helpful suggestion, since you are so great and all?
Does it really require a whole book to describe good technique?

I'm inclined to suggest to the husband that he gets himself nicely lubed up with spit (not lube; he needs to approximate the real act, and lube performs differently), and spend a little while with his own fingers, finding the places that feel the wildest when stimulated. (And when I say fingers, I mean individual fingers -- stay well away from stereotypical Death Grip of Doom, which I would bet good money he uses most of the time.) Then tell his wife to concentrate on those areas. Anywhere that feels great when a wet finger is applied lightly is going to really love a tongue.
Am I the only one who really badly wants a "Savage brand sauce" t-shirt? Seriously, Stranger peeps, get on turning that illo into a shirt RIGHT NOW.
@6, probably because what feels great to her husband may not be all that hot to some other guy.
Vice magazine had some good advice on giving head a few years back. Don't feel like googling it right now but I can tell you my man appreciated it.
For TIWDIW, I recommend sticking a finger in his ass while you blow him. If you are not already doing that this can be a simple fix.

Also, you don't mention whether you swallow the payload. I find that just the idea that my partner is going to swallow my truth serum makes the whole BJ experience that much more intense.

Finally, I have to admit that I personally don't enjoy a BJ as much if the women can't take a significant amount of my wang in her mouth. Having said that, if you can take a significant portion of it in your mouth, perhaps try to let him face fuck you. Some of my most satisfying sexual experiences have been firing my white stock in a woman's mouth at the end of a good face fuck.
Regarding blow jobs, there used to be a great blog The Over Educated Nympho and she had a 4 part series. I was searching for a link.

Sadly I cannot find it.
Emily Nagoski has a short book on the subject:… . See also her blog at . No connection, just like reading her stuff.
Finger massage on the b-hole feels good, slip the head of the cock under your tongue and move your tongue quickly that slippery side is a real pleasure, take that whole load in your beautiful mouth and them give that fucker a massive snowball he will either love you forever or never complain about your technique again. I love the snowball, let a little drain out of your mouth so your face is all cummy. Dirty fun.
For those who didn't read this as a SLLOTD, some people posted suggestions there:…

Mine are @11 in that thread.

@53 in that thread made a great suggestion, that one try to orgasm while giving a BJ. Sixty-nining never gets me there, but with 53's encouragement I've gotten out the vibrator, for me. I've gotten so close, the feeling is amazing for both him and me. We're still trying :-)
Good grief, Charlie Brown!! TIWDIW's letter sounds like she unfortunately married my ex!!

TIWDIW: If your husband of 8 years is bored, have you tried biting him?
That ought to wake him up!
No harm, no sweat, no foul, Dan, over GIMP's letter from last week being fake. You didn't know until after the fact. It happens.
Show him that you are really enjoying it. Do it with sincere and hot expressions (noises, faces, wetness, words, deep throating or pertending it, et al.) Being at the receiving side of a BJ is many times better when the giving person shows how much s/he's loving it. The mental connection is perhaps more important than the technique itself. Same goes for cunnilingus.
Jeez, the best head is the same as the best cunnilingus. Enjoy it. If you can't enjoy it, do something else. It has little to do with technique and far more to do with enthusiasm...
"Minor unfairnesses slosh around relationships like water in the bottom of a canoe..."

I found that to be exceedingly clever, nice job
In my experience, the frenulum is really sensitive. Rub your tongue on it like you would his nipples. Try resting the head against the roof of your mouth, and using the same kind of motion you would use to suck on a piece of candy. You can use your hand with your mouth for extra stimulation in place of deep throating, or to take up slack in the skin and change up the sensation a bit. Depending on his size, try angling your head so he rubs the inside of your cheek, instead of your throat to avoid the whole gag thing. Cover your teeth with your lips, and do it like sucking through a straw. You can use varying amounts of pressure, speed, etc. with any technique. And do go back and read Erica P's tips:)
In my experiance the best BJ's I have ever got have nothing to do with deep throating. Grab his cock with one hand with a light grip (after you have lubed his dick with spit/saliva) put your mouth around his dick and put your mouth against the top of your hand. By doing this you have just extended your mouth. Aditionally you can gyrate your hand as your hand and mouth move up and down in unison. For more advanced techniques or fun; stuff a lubed finger up his asshole right before he cums but expect he will either be irate or blow a load through the back of your head. I'm the latter of the two. Good luck TIWDIW
The only thing that matters for giving head is genuine cock-hunger
The odds are that TIWDIW's partner wants her to do something he is not comfortable verbalizing.

That is cool, if he cannot say it, she should not be expected to guess. I must say that is a gender switch from the typical issue between men and women.
Is it horribly protectionist to wish that there were a tariff system in place? I can't quite warm to OGFB, but he has given me the idea that "Straights Helped By Dan Savage" should be a regular contingency at Pride parades. And just imagine how far along we'd be if everyone in that category were to perform a certain amount of Unstraight-Community Service. (Or would the Gallagher-Brown conglomerate manufacture an opposing group to claim that Mr Savage's advice ruined their marriages, or could such a tactic even work?)

I'd better stop here before I get interested enough to invent a whole system.
TIWDIW-- He's not bored with your blow jobs; he's bored with you. It's either that, or he's bored and dissatisfied with himself and his life in general. This is how he's introducing the idea that he'd like a break or a threesome or a divorce or to cheat on you. Never mind that that won't make him happy either. He's chasing after the elusive Something Else so he won't have to think about his own inadequacies. So think about what will make YOU happy, and pursue that. A different job? Vacation time with or without him? Devotion to the arts? Go follow your bliss. Good luck.
@11 wang? payload? white stock?!? truth serum!?! I love the act you describe, but your terminology makes me go 'ewww!' You get women to sleep with you when you manage to make it sound so unappealing? No problem with the advice, but the way you described it turned my stomach enough to make me need to say, sorry..

oh, for the LW, lick and suck gently on his balls whilst your hand works on his cock. Also I find deep throat easier from underneath whilst in 69, every other way I hit the gag reflex but that way I find the closer I get to coming the less it affects me, and it turns me on massively too to the point that when I'm about to come I actively encourage him to fuck my face..

Not saying that'll work for everyone (and you need to trust your partner to not get carried away too quickly) but I did once read that being aroused can switch off the gag reflex so it might be worth an experiment..?
First off, I TOTALLY agree that the guy's a bit of a jerk for just giving unhelpful criticism, but since TIWDIW seems to honestly want to improve, I believe Doot, the person that mentioned "hunger," has got a good idea. Hubby may need more aural/brainal sex. Let him hear how much you enjoy/want his cock in your mouth. All those energetic "mmmm's" and "mm-hmmm's" can often spark the ego/pleasure center connection in a way that the physical contact alone doesn't.

Oh, and the vibrations from those sounds might also feel good. If I remember correctly, the act used to be called a "hummer" right?
First off, I TOTALLY agree that the guy's a bit of a jerk for just giving unhelpful criticism, but since TIWDIW seems to honestly want to improve, I believe Doot, the person that mentioned "hunger," has got a good idea. Hubby may need more aural/brainal sex. Let him hear how much you enjoy/want his cock in your mouth. All those energetic "mmmm's" and "mm-hmmm's" can often spark the ego/pleasure center connection in a way that the physical contact alone doesn't.

Oh, and the vibrations from those sounds might also feel good. If I remember correctly, the act used to be called a "hummer" right?
For How-To on blowjobs and deep throating, I really enjoyed Pretty Dumb Things. Chelsea is a smart and funny writer working at a strip club in NYC while working on her dissertation. She knows of what she speaks.…
@27: Oh, I would never use terms like "wang, payload, white stock, or truth serum" when I'm courting a woman. Obviously no self-respecting woman would put up with that crap.

I generally use that language when I'm with my buddies to describe things I'd like to do to various women, or when I'm on the internet talking to strangers. There is great truth in the saying: "For all things there is an occasion."

BTW, your BJ technique sounds super-hot!
Excuse yourself mid BJ, and go to the bathroom and fill your mouth with hot water, not hot sauce!
@sonicmonkey-I often wonder what tune Monica was humming- "Hail To The Chief" perhaps?
Can someone tell me what TIWDIW means? I know what GGG is, but TIWDIW is one I'm not familiar with.
I've got a creative idea for blow jobs...…
34-- It's the way the first letter writer signed her name: TIWDIW is Thought I Was Doing It Well.
@34 It's the first letter of the LW's signature. Thought I was doing it well...
I've got a creative idea for a blow job...…

Maybe he'll learn to express himself more clearly.

I need to send this column to my EX husband with a note.

It's not me, it's YOU.

Dan's advice played out exactly as written, and it took me several years messing around with guys half my age for me to figure it out. It wasn't me.
I didn't really comment on the SLLOTTD but I will here - mainly because the SLLOTTD adivce was great - the husband seems to be the problem himself.

However, on giving good blow jobs:

- many/most men are most sensitive just under the frenulum on the 'bottom' (urethra) side of their dick - start by making sure you give a good amount of attention there.

- pay attention to his responses to each specific area! The worst BlowJobs I've ever had were from women who had some porn picture of a blowjob in their head and were oblivious to what my actual reactions were. To the point of (physically painful) parody. His hot spot might not be the one I mention above, so pay attention to how he responds to each spot.

- SUCTION. FRICTION. In general, women don't seem to get this...and again, maybe the hubby and his own death grip are the problem can't hurt for you to up your game in this area. Just because you ladies might like to be tickled with a feathery touch does not mean that guys want this as much. Don't project: tune into your partner.

- Be enthusiastic! Don't just go through the motions! don't act enthusiastic, be enthusiastic. The best blow jobs I ever had - and I had one EX who outdid anyone else I've ever been with by a couple of orders of magnitude - was a woman who wanted to give me a blow job and wanted me to cum and wanted to swallow. I came my head off every time and my ears would ring afterwards I came so hard. 70%+ of my partners have been unable to get me to achieve orgasm from oral, but she did every single time. If you don't really like swallowing Jizz, find some fantasy tape you can play in your head that does genuinely turn you on and make a groove in your own erotic brain that leads to your own arousal and play that on the rarer times you do give him a blowjob - and swallow fast, just like eating some yucky vegetable you hated when you were a kid.

- the prostate stimulation is a great idea - it is "the oldest trick in the book" after all - but you might not go for penetration right can ease into it with pressure on the perineum, and see how he takes it.

There is nothing, I mean nothing, more annoying than having someone insist on rubbing a spot just half an inch away from your sensitive spot. It's like having an itch on your back and the scratcher insists on scratching everywhere but the itch. Ladies: you know how you always complain that guys are clueless and can't find the man in the boat? Well: same deal with blowjobs. There are big expanses of dick that just aren't that sensitive. Just like not every clit and clit-owner is the same, not every penis is the same, so the most important way to figure out your partner is to closely pay attention to their physical response.

@19 & @23 - you said it before me and much more succinctly, but both of you are full of win. Enthusiasm is more important than anything else.
As a gay man I've given head countless times, with high ratings from my partners (more than 100) - those are my 'bonifides'. Anyway, I find there are a few basic things that make all head 'better' and I try to use all of them. 1) Suction, many people leave this part out thinking that just getting the lips around the shaft and going up and down is enough, it's called sucking cock for a reason, add some suction particularly when you're near the top/head of the penis. 2) All penises are not created equal, uncut guys like to be 'rimmed' around the shaft with the tongue between the foreskin and the penis around the edge of the head, with their greater sensitivity there it seems to really turn them on, use suction (above) for similar effect with cut guys. 3) No teeth unless they're the kind of guy who likes teeth (and a VERY few do, even then be gentle) 4) Deep throating, yes, I know you have a gag reflex, I do too, a pretty strong one, it can be suppressed with enough will power or even used creatively if you have nothing in your stomach to 'gag up'. The round throat muscles produce a sensation akin to an ass or a pussy and gagging or tightening them is one of those added sensations that really get guys off. Plus guys love the idea of the having their hole shaft in your throat, essentially choking you with their dicks, it's a power thing -whatever. The trick here is the rhythm, you need to guide them into a rhythm that a) lets you breathe and b) isn't so fast that you're choking/gagging and c) lets them enjoy the face-fucking. I know, it's hard work, that why it's called a blow JOB. 5) Rhythm, yes I know I just talked about it but this part is different, you need to be aware of the hardening of the shaft and softening it, some guys like it hard and fast, others slow, others a combo or slow at the beginning and hard and fast at the end, be conscious of your partners non-verbal clues, in fact encourage them to moan, speak out, talk dirty whatever to help you have more clues to go by 6) Swallow, it's hot and sexy and relatively safe unless you've just had mouth surgery (note: no one who's just had mouth surgery needs to be giving blow-jobs until they're fully healed), for extra-credit lick the sensitive shaft and head clean afterwards, it'll be that sort of good painful/too intense (cause I just blew my load) sensation that keeps 'em coming back.

Hope that helps,
Good Gay Gobbler
regarding bj advice, foreplay down there can go a long way as well-- breathing on it, tonguing it through underwear, talking about how good it's going to / it is feeling in your mouth, uncovering it slowly breathing on it from the tip to the base without touching, opening your mouth around it and breathing without touching, slowly tracing your tongue up and down the underside, around the base of the mushroom, drooling on it, spitting on it. also, and this may be counterintuitive to some, but laying upright and asking him to just feed it you with you barely responding at all- just pursing your lips open and allowing him to slide it over your lips, slowly into your mouth, feel your hot breath and drool welling up, pulling out, sliding it over your lips that start to get wet, slap against your cheeks, slide it back in - when fucking someone's mouth can drive me crazy to do this to someone, asking them to stay still as long as they can stand it. I also agree with a lot of the other tips here so mix and match and see what works

but yeah, the husband sounds like he very well could be a complete wanker and undeserving of you and your blow jobs...
Hey Dan,
Keep up the good work. The world, like a supertanker, turns slowly.
Voter in Canada.
OGFB, FYI is recruiting models (and apparently starting a training program) for a variety of their sites, which I'm assuming you're familiar with. Better than free, they pay you (check with your GGG girlfriend first, obviously).
For TIWDIW, we all have individual preferences. Enthusiasm, adjusting what you do based on feedback (in the heat of the moment and later) and curiosity are great ingredients.

Even though your husband's approach was not very effective, negative feedback is usually better than no feedback at all. Now, you may be able to change the dynamic, so he becomes more able to articulate his particular preferences and listen to you. Try to make it playful and safe to make suggestions (even unusual ones) and provide feedback as you go.

And as Crimoline #26 points out. He may not be happy with himself or the relationship (seven year itch...). And I agree work at be happy yourself and be clear about what you want and will do for yourself. This applies always! AND makes you a better partner. And keep improving your communication, so you both work through this in a positive manner.

Back to oral advice, as other have said there are specific suggestions on the web. Two pieces of advices I found particularly inspiring was on OKCupid's forum under Alternative Lifestyle - Oral sex - what does men want? posted by abeno, on February 22 2010 and by frogomatic on April 17 2009. Together it’s about 10 pages of advice. You may Google it to find the link and it may require that you sign up with OKCupid (it’s free). For full disclosure I'm just a user of that site - not promoting it in general - only these postings.
So I googled "How to give good head." Well, guess what......?
The exciting thing about getting head from a woman with awesome sexual instincts and intelligence is the fact that she's running the show and she *knows* how good she's making you feel. Quite different experience than when you have to give step by step instructions and clarifications because she just doesn't seem to get it.

Anyway, here are some ideas.

* Start out with light teasing tongue flicks up and down his balls and shaft
* let your hair graze against his dick, balls, stomach, and thighs
* on all fours a 90-degree angle, graze your nipples over his dick and surrounding area
* Slap his cock against your tongue, lips, face, and tits.
* Take it as deep as you can, hold it, and swirl/flicker your tongue on the sensitive underside
* Stare into his eyes with his dick as deep in your mouth as it will go
* Very slowly and deliberately engulf his dick, repeatedly, making sexy moaning sounds on the way down.
* Shake and/or twist your head as you bob up and down
* Grab the base of his dick and lightly shake it while it's deep in your mouth.
* Approaching from the side, run your lips and tongue up and down his dick like it's corn on the cob
* slowly lick his dick from bottom to top, sticking your whole tongue out and firmly pressing his cock against it
* lick his ass and/or taint while jerking his dick with your hand, with him on his back or on all fours (google rusty trombone)
* every time you switch techniques, tell him what exactly you are going to do next, e.g., "Now I'm going to take your cock as deep as I can and hold it while swishing my tongue around. I might moan a bit, as well. "
* Switch up positions. One of my favorites - get on all fours on the bed while he's standing by the bed with dick at your face level. Or, as he's laying on the bed, slowly crawl over his head towards his feet, kissing him and grazing your breasts along the way, and then stop in 69 position with your pussy planted right in his face.
* Wear a sexy outfit
* Act like you are confident and know exactly what you are doing and know exactly how good you are making him feel
* Video record it.
* Roll play. One of the best bjs I've ever had was making a "how to give a bj" video, with her giving the "lecture".
* Watch porn movies featuring Belladonna or Annette Schwartz. You may not be able to do everything they can, but if you can adopt their attitude, you won't need to.

Seriously, though, how fucking hard would it be for TIWDIW's asshole husband to whip out the Google and do five minutes' worth of research so he can offer some enthusiastic suggestions instead of just apathetically saying "You suck at oral?"

What a douchebag. I think the solution to her situation involved no more oral for him, period, until he makes this up to her, and THEN does his homework and asks nicely for what he wants.
How is "only gay for bondage" not gay or at least bi? He actively pursues and gets sexual pleasure from men. Because his girlfriend (or most women, apparently) won't indulge his fetish, he is exempt from gay?

Let's try this exercise: "Hey Dan, I absolutely LOVE anal sex. Unfortunately, my girlfriend (as it is with most girls) refuses to let me fuck them in the ass. So I meet up with men and have anal with them. Fortunately, my current girlfriend reads your column so she knows the fact I have anal sex with men doesn't make me gay." Signed - Just gay for anal.


You read a lot of Penthouse Forum as a teen, didn't you?
It's not gay because it's not "doing it with men" what's turning him on, but "doing it".
Or to put it differently: the act, not the person.
@56 - "the act, not the person" - That makes sense when you are talking about what used to be perceived as gay sex acts, i.e. a guy enjoys his girlfriend pegging him isn't gay because he is enjoying the act of anal with a woman. Could I spend a lifetime having gay sex, because its way easier to hook up on Grindr than on and declare my straight bonafides intact?

While I don't care how you want to label yourself, it takes a lot of cognitive dissonance to have sex with men but declare yourself straight, except of course, for the sex part.

Watch a bunch of oral sex porn vids with him and talk about it, see what turns him on. My guess is he wants you to rim his ass and is too embarrassed to ask for it.
"She Comes First" and "He Comes Next" are both mandatory reading for anyone (which should be everyone) giving or getting oral. The giver can learn great technique and the receiver can learn to ask for what he/she wants.

There are even Kindle editions, so you can read it discretely on the bus to work in the morning.
WHAT KIND OF AN ASSHOLE COMPLAINS ABOUT GETTING BLOWJOBS?!?!?!?!?!???!!!! Especially 8 EIGHT years into a marriage. That guy deserves to never have another blowjob for the rest of his pathetic life.
The husband is a douche, I think we all agree. However, the best blowjobs I've ever had have been centered on deep throat. In fact, I've even messed around with dildos enough to teach myself how to do it, and my girlfriend likes to fuck my mouth like that sometimes. Not gagging can be trained, and I would say it's largely mental. You have to really relax and open up and kind of go at it thinking - if I choke, I choke, but I'm going to keep taking it down. Before long, you can take it down and control your gag reflex. And if it takes you some time to master this - no worries, a lot of guys love watching a girl gag and choke and struggle a bit with it. In my humble opinion, deep, noisy, messy blowjobs are the best. And as with any sex, you can usually spice it up quite a bit with some creative dirty talk.
What is face fucking?
I LOVE all the comments here with BJ tips. Here are a few more from the Babeland website:… and if you are in NY or Seattle, you can take one of our classes where you get to practice on bananas <-Seattle or <- NY
@61: *Lucky* to get blowjobs after 8 years of marriage? Are you serious?

I'm afraid you are mistakenly assuming that all marriages are as sad, lonely, and pathetic as yours.
Dude probably just wants 2 fingers up his ass and a rim job but expects is girlfriend to figure out that from get creative. He likely can't bring himself to say "C'mon babe rim me then shove a couple digits in...."
Dude probably just wants 2 fingers up his ass and a rim job but expects is girlfriend to figure out that from get creative. He likely can't bring himself to say "C'mon babe rim me then shove a couple digits in...."
"Would a woman be advised to be able to give precise instructions?"

Yes, of course. All the time. Except we're generally advised to be very, very diplomatic... which is bullshit, in my opinion. One or two words of direction and the writer's standby - "show, don't tell" - are all a partner who wants to know usually needs. That and an honestly responsive positive reaction.
@63 - Face fucking is when the man is actively pushing his penis into your mouth (as in pussy/ass fucking), sometimes when holding your head in his hand/s (but not necessarily), and usually while your head remains stationary (again, not necessarily).
Dan, when are you going to write about your personal experience as an ankle biter?
@19 you got that right. Attitude can really go a lot further than technique.

Another couple of ideas. What about a vibrator added into the mix. Use that puppy on his balls, dick, nipples, & if you haven't tried it already, stick it up his ass........that will get his attention.

I can highly suggest the 69 position. Grind that pussy in his face and come all over him. Than it will be his turn. Let him come on your belly, tits, face and show that you love it. Trust me, if none of these ideas get him going, he ain't into oral or you.

No, it is NOT safe to swallow unless you both are monogamous and have tested clean. Diseases can be spread through unprotected oral sex.
Tim @54/57,

It's not clear that any of that sensory deprivation stuff leads to orgasm for OGFB, or even to erections. I love getting tied up and flogged, much as I love a serious massage, but neither massage nor flogging gets me close to orgasm. The pleasure comes from the combination of endorphins and having someone's complete attention. He may just be borrowing these guys' gear and their expertise using it. If neither he nor his helpers have any expectation of orgasm while they are together, would that make you more comfortable with his self-definition as straight & kinky?
@42: That was a fascinating read. I'd love to get head from your female doppelganger.

That said, your post also makes it clear to me that women may have a whole different set of cards to play when giving a BJ beyond the power-bottom moves you describe. Deep-throating and swallowing and all that stuff is awesome, but some of the best bjs I've had were enjoyable because they were pretty and delicate and feminine and kittenish.

It seems there is more than one way to excel at sucking dick, at least as far as I'm concerned.
My two cents on BJs. I'm not a fan of deep-throating. It's a cool idea but doesn't feel like much. Definitely make sure to use lube on the finger up the butt, and trim those nails! I'm a big fan of having my balls lightly played with or sucked.

While you're at it, get some quid pro quo. Whether it's cunnilingus or something else, make him up his game too if he's going to be particular with you.
FYI: a regular blow job is 'fellatio"; when the one with the dick is doing the moving around ("face fucking") it is technically called "irrumatio".
@57 and 59:

I agree to a certain extent.

But what about prisons and boarding schools? Lots of guys who identify as straight has sex with other guys while in prison or in boarding school, not because they want to have sex with a guy, but they want to have sex.

So, guys looking for sex with other guys as long as there are females available seem to be gay or at least bi-curious to me as well. Unless they have a fetish that is highly unlikely to be fulfilled otherwise.
@25 no tariff, but some of us do consider the payback. Me at CA prop 8 hearings with a sign "straight married Dad for marriage equality"

Primarily at Dan's urging that those of us who fear the right engage with issues that dont hit us @ home but begin the slippery slope.
@61: Or get bitten by his long-suffering wife of 8 years.
All these suggestions for BJs are wonderful and informative. Much to learn from.

One suggestion that hasn't been addressed: Give her time.

To adjust her body position, get used to your cock, find her rhythm. Then you can grab her head (if she wants). And face fuck her (if she wants).

She is giving you this amazing gift and you should appreciate it. And if she really wants you and is hungry for your cock, doubly so.

Thankfully, I have never been with men that have initially grabbed my head. But after I found my groove, I have moved their hands to my head. Because it's very sexy.

There have been times where it is too rough and forceful, and I have backed off or removed their hands. That's OK.

You are the Giver. You are in control.

TIWDIW, news flash. Your issue has nothing to do with sex. Your problem is that you appear to be married to an @sshole. Why in the world would you want to have sex with someone who treats you with such a total lack of respect for your feelings?

Sometimes marrying your first lover works out but most people benefit from shopping around a little. Hard to believe that anyone this insensitive is otherwise a peach and a good friend and reliable partner. If you don't have children, you might want to think long and hard about whether it serves your best interests to continue being married to this jerk. You might find after some experience that you realize "Hey, not every dude is an @sshole!"
My only advice on getting/giving blowjobs is this: whatever you try, try it more than once. Just like one has to work with other kinds of pressure when masturbating in order to train oneself, you need time to get used to and fully appreciate different speeds, pressures, and techniques of blowjobbery. I have found that I don't love anybody's blowjob technique the first time, but after 2 or 3 times, I always find some really hot, very different things they do naturally that I didn't even notice the first time.
@20 Amanda47: I agree--I like that!!
If TIWDIW's letter had said that she and her husband were looking for new blowjob ideas because they were both getting bored, I'd nod and think that was reasonable enough. It's the word "desperate" that has me (and Dan and others) thinking he's being a jerk. "Desperate" puts me in the mind that something dire is going to happen if TIWDIW doesn't come up with something that doesn't bore her husband. I have to wonder what that is. It's not spelled out, and I imagine TIWDIW herself doesn't know, but the idea that she's aware of a vague threat doesn't sit well with me.
@74 & 78 - since I am the self-appointed decider of who is gay, straight or bi....

EricaP - I don't have pain/seclusion kinks but I imagine they are sexual in nature, as opposed to massages or mani/pedi that are more relaxing and non-erotic. In the event he is not orgasiming during the sessions, he is probably jerking off so much to it afterwards that all that comes out of his penis is a "POP" sign that you see depicting a gun shot in the old soundless black and white western films. Let's round him up to "bi" and call it even.

Migrationist - if you locked me up in prison/catholic-school or sexless marriage (fair warning Mrs. Horton) and my only option was men, I admit I would prob go gay. Starting with a phone call to LAN8 @42.
If your husband wants variety in enthusiastic blowjobs try to get him off ONLY with your tongue and lips. This might drive him crazy with some patience and persistence.

Another time try to do it SLOWLY, 15-30 seconds the entire length (from taint to tip) and then an agonizing 15-30 secons down the other side. Repeat for several minutes and make him squirm.

Another time combine good handwork, cupping and gently rubbing the balls with well lubricated fingers is often a big hit. To complete the act supplement your blowjob with just the tips of your fingers gently sliding along the glans and tip. You might lose his interest if you go to slow or are not joyfully focused on his dick. If you are distracted he might get distracted.

Dan nails another one. A truly asshole move to complain about sexual technique and then refuse to offer input. I thought this might be one of Dan's letters where he switches the genders on us so this was really a WOMAN complaining about her husbands cunnilingus. Then I realized the woman would not complain- at least not to her husband! Oh her girlfriends would know all about it but the husband would have no clue until served with the divorce complaint.
I just read all the other comments and agree with many of them. I thought I would highlight four themes I noticed.

1. Enthusiasm: This means that you LOVE your work- in fact it is not even work, you do it for for free. This also includes focusing on him. Some women complain about cunnilingus because the man is not focused on her reactions.

2. Anal: This could well be that he wants anal stimulation and is embarrassed. Read up on rimming, prostate stimulation/milking, and move the action to a hot tub or shower.

3. Cold or hot water, ice cubes, a TINY bit of tobasco saue (that you have already tried and found you can tolerate), showing some enthusiasm by gagging a tiny bit (without actually throwing up) are all hot to one man or another.

4. Many of the women posters saying DTMFA who would be perfectly fine with it if the genders were reversed.

Let me get this right: IF HE can't figure out what satisfies HER (and she doesn't offer a clue how to fix it) then he is an insensitive clod and SHE should DTMFA. If SHE can't figure out what satisfies HIM (because he won't offer a clue how to fix it) then SHE should DTMFA because HE is an insensitive clod. Which brings up the ultimate question: If a tree falls in the forest and there is no woman around to hear it, is it still the man's fault?

Why don't you buy the damn equipment for your girlfriend to use on you?!

LW1 sounds like my friend's ex. She was his first (he was not hers) and had the nerve to complain about her technique! It's an asshole move, not your problem per se. If HE was good, he'd explain/show what he wants.
Maybe this isn't the right comment thread for it, but I thought that some here would appreciate the first letter and response from today's "Dear Prudence:"…
@89 The equipment's expensive. Derp derp derp!
Gay men give the best blow jobs. Why? Because they LOVE doing it. Women, generally, don't. Since they don't have a penis, they have no idea how it works or reacts to a good blow job. I will never forget how one gay member of a musical I was in gave blow job instructions to the women in their dressing room. The event became legend. Anyway, watch some gay blow job videos, observe guys doing what they love. Straight blow job porn is comparatively boring. But that's just my opinion.
@86 Personally, I don't thinking about getting flogged when I masturbate. I like getting flogged for its own sake. Of course I don't know what sensory deprivation and extreme bondage feel like to OGFB, but neither do you. If he only has genital contact with women, I find it reasonable to call him straight. The good news is that it doesn't matter if we find the right label -- he and his wife and his activity partners are all enjoying themselves, and more power to them.
so i started dateing my ex again and we never date for more than a week. and it's been 3 days and i got a text from him today saying "i think im not ready for a gf right now so im breaking up with you for right now but im still gonna talk to you everyday just as friends for now" should i still be firends with him and go after this other guy i've been kinda seeing for a while before i started going out with this other guy ??? uhhg i need help and i watch your show alot (:
@95: I think Dan had it right the first time -- the way the guy asked was pretty assholish. It's one thing to admit one's not sure what to suggest and it's another thing to BLAME one's wife for just not "being creative."

True, it can be darned hard to ask for what you want -- there I have lots of sympathy. But it seems to me someone who was having trouble with that would be a bit more diffident when he did work up the courage to ask. Though I suppose some guys would be so afraid of looking weak that they'd start blustering instead of admitting they weren't sure about something.

Incidentally, most women have a whole lot of experience touching themselves, even if not with a tongue. I should think most know enough to say things like a little to the left/right, harder/softer, do/don't go directly for the clit, I like fingers inside at the same time, etc.
@95 Cockyballsup

Would you seriously expect a woman to stay silent if she is not getting satisfied by her partner's oral technique?

Or his fucking technique?
Or his kissing technique?

You would be surprised at how many men cannot receive a suggestion (forget about constructive criticism). So, I think many women just endure less than satisfying sex than make a suggestion that will fall on deaf or defensive ears.

If I am lost driving or walking in a city I don't know, I will ask someone for directions. Or I will look at a map. Or now I will Google Map it on my phone. I don't see it as a sign of weakness to ask for help to get to where I want to go. To discover and explore some place new. I have been involved with many men that would rather stubbornly drive around in circles that stop and ask for directions. This mentality is frustrating and I still don't understand.

Can explain this to me?

Can someone explain this to me?
@95 No one is saying he should stay silent. But when the sexes are reversed, us women are fully expected to know ourselves well enough to be able to give our partners constructive feedback, or be willing to explore and provide feedback along the way. If he cannot explain to her what he would like, he should at least be able to tell her what is not working. Like, you are not using enough pressure, you always do the same thing, etc. If you have a problem, it is on you to be a grown up and use your words, your spouse is not a mind reader.
@95, 98, 101:
I don't know what my last affair (he was more than a fuckbuddy, less than a boyfriend) did differently to my ex-boyfriend, but cunnilingus was way better.
Could I teach another guy how to do it? No.

I sometimes like to abbreviate foreplay by giving a blow job which usually gets me wet in no time. That is purely selfish. I don't think my partners enjoy it as much as I do but they know it's the best way to get me wet so they put up with it. :-)
@cockyballsup That makes sense, that you don't know what your partner did different that felt so good. What separates you, for all the years you went without "great" head from the lw's husband is the fact that you were actually making suggestions, even if none of them really hit the target. You didn't just tell your ex he wasn't good enough, and leave it to him to figure out on his own what he should be doing differently. I guess, like all good sex, it comes down to communication, and if that is lacking, then the sex isn't the real issue.
This is for TIWDIW, Destructive Criticism. I have a great bit of information for TIWDIW and any other BJ'er out there. The gag reflex vanishes during orgasm. Here is the way to use this to you and your lover’s advantage.

69 it TIWDIW. First shave thoroughly. Clean your vjj inside and out, super fresh. Put a little cherry flavored love juice in your vjj.

Start him off like this. When he gets home from work. Touch him there. Repeat this a couple times so he gets the idea. Do not eat any food for at least 3 hours before the 69.

Then, 69 with you on top. You will notice that as things progress, your gag reflex will start to disappear. At the end when you climax, you will be able to go down all the way. If he cums before you do, let him cum deep in your throat.

Mr Shine - Good for you! I think my tariff idea might be applicable to conservatives, like the grateful one from some months back who said that everyone else would have told his wife to leave him, but Mr Savage's advice saved their marriage. If every such person out of gratitude would just start telling the truth and keep at it, even that might bring about some progress.

Stick your finger in his mouth. Have HIM show YOU what he wants, as you're blowing him. If he's so goddamn smart, let him show you how to give a better blow job!
Ms Cute - Oh, please, don't remind me of that ghastly reply. That and the comments there gave me a serious case of the LMBs.

It was a weird letter. I couldn't tell if a tweak or two to the agreement might let them sail on, or if they were so busy contorting themselves into forced attitudes that the whole relationship doesn't bear contemplation.
Mr. Ven: I actually liked Prudie's reply (I never read the comments there).
I thought she called it well.
@Cocky. I definitely agree that enthusiasm is not an end unto itself. But it definitely has some place in the equation. If someone was really good at giving head, and the receiver knew they hated doing it, it could potentially take away from the experience. The reverse can also be true. Someone who may not be great, but is really happy to be doing it, and really sincere in wanting to please their partner can increase the pleasure. Knowing that a partner enjoys the things they're doing to me ups the enjoyment for me.
But yes, enthusiasm and enjoyment of performing does not make you good at it. If the amount that you loved to do something was equal to your skill at doing it, I'd be a broadway star. As it is, my singing and dancing are limited to cranking up music when I clean my apartment.

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