@123. Forget WonderBras. Try Wacoal. They're sold at Nordstrom up to 36DD. Their pushup is really wonderful, even for my D cup.

Otherwise, please try not to compare yourself to the women in porn. You'll never win. Maybe you'd win on other measures (maybe this is the time to ask your boyfriend what else he appreciates about you). But porn stars' job is to be prettier, skinnier, nastier, and larger breasted than us mere mortals. Your post made me sad to think of someone feeling ugly because of a guy's viewing habits.

@200
So you're completely ignoring the letter and inventing your own situation. Good to know, though I still don't see how berating him for "keeping secrets" is at all reasonable, even in your imagined scenario.

@199
That kind of idiocy is why he clears his internet history and why private browsing (which he should be using) was invented.

@123. Forget WonderBras. Try Wacoal. They're sold at Nordstrom up to 36DD. Their pushup is really wonderful, even for my D cup.

Otherwise, please try not to compare yourself to the women in porn. You'll never win. Maybe you'd win on other measures (maybe this is the time to ask your boyfriend what else he appreciates about you). But porn stars' job is to be prettier, skinnier, nastier, and larger breasted than us mere mortals. Your post made me sad to think of someone feeling ugly because of a guy's viewing habits. It strikes me as just sad that a masturbatory session lasting half an hour can make a partner feel rotten about herself for days or weeks. This is one of the few things where ignorance really is bliss. If I were you, I wouldn't look again.

Sorry, double post w/edit.

"So you're completely ignoring the letter and inventing your own situation. Good to know, though I still don't see how berating him for "keeping secrets" is at all reasonable, even in your imagined scenario."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grain_of_sa…

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unreliable_…

@211
Smut shaming is not at all uncommon. His situation, as he describes it, is an unremarkable example of it. Your insistence on considering him an "unreliable narrator" seems arbitrary.

205: It happens often enough that if he said it happened to him, you have no reason to counter that no, that never happens and it's just sexist of him to think that. See #199 and one or two others on this very thread for examples of that attitude.

If you want to disregard what he wrote and instead respond to your own imagining of how the scenario played out (complete with your own invented version of the dialogue including tone of voice), be my guest. I don't see a lot of utility in that, personally.

Whether she thinks she was being reasonable about it or not, it's still none of her business. His fantasy time is his own, goes on inside his own mind, and she does not have a right to it. If he wants to share, great; if he does not feel like involving her, that's his prerogative, and also is fine. For her to characterize it as "keeping secrets" -- no matter how calmly and sweetly articulated -- is still out of line.

If she thinks he is hiding something nefarious, she should say that. If on the other hand she honestly thinks it's just about his masturbatory habits, she should butt out.

@212

Anyone who writes into Dan is by definition an unreliable narrator. That's what happens when you hear only one side of a conflict. It's not arbitrary.

We don't know she's smut shaming him, how can she possibly be smut shaming him without there being any smut to shame? He doesn't even imply that she objects to him watching porn (note that he suggests that she wouldn't want to see his porn, not that she would object to the very notion of him watching porn)

@avast

He actually didn't say it (smut shaming) happened to him (see above).

Also, by the way "no that never happens" is not the same as "it's sexist to assume that she will feel this way because some women in savage love letters feel that way".

"Hey, it's racist to assume that guy's a criminal just because he's black" is not the same as "no criminals are ever black". This is seriously grade school reasoning at this point.

As for "disregarding" what he wrote, I didn't disregard it. I interpreted it less credulously than you did.

Oh and also: "hey uh, this behaviour's suspicious can we talk about it?" is not the same as "I have a right to your fantasy time". Frankly, that reading sounds a lot more like your own imagining. In fact, even if you look at Dan's answer, he didn't assume the wife was smut shaming either (the first scenario he proposes paints her in a positive light).

@213, Yes, she should butt out. But she can't unknow what she knows. She can (and should, for her own benefit) work on feeling less bad about it. That is hard work against a life time of negative body messages from without and within, but it is hard work worth doing. A good therapist can help. In the meantime, she will know what she knows and feel what she feels. She can try to hide what she feels, try not to say snarky things, and try not to let it influence her enthusiasm for sex. Generally try to suppress the way porn makes her feel about herself. I think that is what you want to happen?

@214
"However, the other day, she noticed a blank browser history and berated me for "keeping secrets" from her regarding my masturbatory viewings."
The LW clearly did say that he was smut shamed. Dan did acknowledge that there were other possible interpretations, but he spent a lot more time dealing with the most obvious one: smut shaming. You can consider everyone that writes in to be an unreliable narrator, and then invent whatever scenario pleases you, but I don't consider that kind of unfounded speculation useful.

@216

1. If you're not capable of distinguishing from "why are you keeping x a secret" and "x is bad you should never do it! and you're bad and don't love me and are horrible if you do it!!!" then I can't help you.

2. So one second Dan is pointing out "that there were other possible interpretations" which is fine but when I point out another possible interpretation I'm "inventing whatever scenario pleases (me)". Ugh, please.

@214: Oh for fuck's sake. The man used the word "berated." I expect that means he felt "berated" by his wife. And yes, getting berated by your wife for porn use is a very common scenario. You are seriously overthinking this.

Why on earth would someone write in saying, "Here's my scenario, what should I do about it?" knowing that the truth was something completely different? The result would be getting advice that completely does not apply to the actual situation. Complete waste of time. That's why I take him at face value: because otherwise I would be answering a different question than the one he asked.

If I have to choose between two potential unreliable narrators, it's a safe bet I will choose the letter writer's version of events over yours, because you weren't there at the time. It's not like he was claiming he was abducted by aliens. And it's not sexist to believe that his specific wife did what he specifically claimed she did, given that it is a very, very common attitude.

@215: What I think she should do is get her own account on the computer, so that she doesn't randomly notice when her husband deletes his browser history, and she therefore doesn't take it personally. By the way, she basically asked that he NOT delete his browser history, which would imply that she is asking to be exposed to all the porn sites he visited. Don't you think that would be considerably harder on her than a simple blank history, if porn is in fact hard on her psyche?

Again, my opinion in a nutshell is that the clearing of a browser cache is a complete non-event, and does not merit a discussion, let alone a berating.

@217

1. If you're not capable of distinguishing "why are you keeping x a secret?" from "berating me for keeping x a secret" then I can't help you.

2. Dan addresses the most straightforward interpretation of the letter (i.e. the situation actually described in the letter) in the greatest length, while acknowledging that some other possibilities exist. You completely ignore what the letter actually says, and the likelihood of smut shaming, and invent all kinds of subtext to justify the wife's berating. There's a difference.

I've figured it out! It's all a grand analogy, isn't it? WHACK doesn't want to show his wife his browser history because, while he's sure there's nothing wrong with it, he's afraid she'll find something to pick at if she knew.

Romney doesn't want to show the public his tax returns because, while he's sure there's nothing wrong with them, he's afraid the dems will find something to pick at if they knew.

The dems/wife's argument is that if there's nothing to be ashamed of, you'll let us know. WHACK/Romney's argument is that there's nothing the matter so trust us, you shouldn't have to know.

It all comes down to what one considers to be shameful.

Hello all of the "more computer literate than thou" posters. WHACK's problem is not his browser history. It's that his wife thinks she has some right to know what he's doing on the computer. That's overly invasive and controlling. He can look at porn if he (*&^ well pleases and she doesn't need to know or say anything about it. THAT's the problem to address - not the stupid browsing mode. And if he sets up private browsing, I predict his wife will demand access to some other part of his privacy. They need to address that issue between them.

@220: Bwahahahaha! That was great.

I am also reminded of the countless letters that follow the pattern of "Dear Dan, I was briefly using my (someone)'s computer when I came across stuff in his/her history/autocomplete/etc., and now I'm completely freaked out. What should I do?"

The responses to those letters invariably contain many calls to "for god's sake will somebody discreetly teach that idiot to clear his cache?"

Letter Writer is not in the wrong for clearing his cache.

@218 I love how taking a few minutes to offer a counter narrative of how porn affects women to balance the unrelenting "men need porn" narrative earns me a "for fuck sake" for "over thinking". Fantastic. Men watch porn. Women feel shitty about that. The intellectually honest thing is to admit that both are true, like it or not. The dishonest, intellectually lazy thing to do is to minimize/ignore/demonize the woman's perspective and anyone making an attempt to represent that perspective. Congratulations, you've very efficiently shown your intellectual laziness and unwillingness to actually understand the relationship issue you are discussing at length. I can now comfortably tune you out.

It should have said "most men watch..." "most women feel..." . No need for false generalizations to make my point.

@223: I was talking about the experience of the Letter Writer, not the world at large. Myd is the one who seems hell-bent on making the point that it can't have been reasonable for Letter Writer to have felt berated, or that his wife couldn't possibly have actually meant what she said in a berating fashion.

I'd say you comfortably tuned me out before you ever started reading, because what you seem to have read bears very little resemblance to what I wrote.

@220 Crinoline: Thank you for the spot on analysis, and another good reason NOT to vote for Shitt Romney!!

Chick-fellate is a natural. How did we not see it before?

Disagree with Dan re:The Strap On.
And suspect this is an area he doesn't have much experience with.

Lets posit that not all lesbians use strap on's. Correct?

Of those that do, there are people with kinks for *using* a strap on - these people usually have their own, or are still developing their kink. These are the people that Dan was thinking of.

Then, there are the people with kinks for being *fucked* with a strap on, like your writer - and these people should have their own!

If their partner likes using a strap on so much that they become one of the people in the top category? Then they can get their own damn strap on.
Even more common, they get their own harness - the dildo itself, is usually interchangeable.

There is no point buying a new harness and dildo for every new girlfriend, when they may not ever use it with their new partners.

Further, with penetrative sex toys, even used with a condom for hygiene, the sex etiquette I've always known, is that the penetrative toy stays with the 'penetratee'. Way less mess, and fuss.
The actual dildo is usually bought according to whether it gets the penetratee off or not. If it's the wrong shape, a dildo will not get me off. What is the point in the dildo going off with the partner who isn't on the receiving end?

Further example, most of the guys who I've gone out with, who have enjoyed being pegged, *owned their own strap on*, ie adjustable harness and dildo.
And that is what I used on them.

Most lesbians I've gone out with, or know, who really liked fucking others with a strap on, had a harness that was non-adjustable, or was permanently adjusted to their settings.

STRAP - get your own adjustable harness and dildo, make it clear they are yours, and enjoy.