Columns Aug 1, 2012 at 4:00 am

Sex Etiquette


Now if only "Chick-fil-A" catches on in this context as santorum has ...
WHACK: [I have always assumed she doesn't want to see my browser history] + [she berated me for clearing my history] = have a conversation together.

If Dan is right and she is anti-porn, then maybe she is saying that an empty browser history makes it too obvious what you were doing all afternoon. So install some private-browsing software and exit out of it when you're done with the porn. But, first, have the conversation so you stop assuming you know what she wants.
What about "Chick-fil-Atio"? That would have to be three-some I guess ...
Oh,and WHACK, to echo Erica's suggestion further, you can launch a private browsing session from any browser.
I have to google funnel gag now?
WHACK - Google Chrome has a way to browse the internets without leaving tracks on your computer. It's called incognito - Ctrl+Shift+N.

After you talk to the wife, of course.
***Programming Note: "Chick-fil-A" is an obvious synonym for "pegging." I mean, obviously, right? I shall now use Chick-fil-A in a sentence: "Her boyfriend's kinda homophobic, but I hear he loves Chick-fil-A."***

Dan, I love you. I. JUST. LOVE. YOU!

Is there any possibility of a website, ala, where commenters could post pictures and/or stories of chicks filling A's? This is too perfect not to share with the entire universe!!!!!!!

I believe you have surpassed yourself, sir. Well done!
You say "Good gay etiquette dictates that friends either refrain from making passes at insanely attractive guys who have boyfriends or that they make passes at the insanely attractive guy and his boyfriend." I have a boyfriend and am apparently attactive and have had drunken friends make passes at me that did not involve my boyfriend (incomplete passes, btw). I did not realize that was a breach of etiquette. I figured the sexual tension and occasional pass was just part of gay guys being friends.
I really don't think Mrs WHACK should be insisting on seeing her husband's browser history, no matter what her attitude on porn is. That sounds really controlling and creepy to me.
Clearing the ENTIRE browser history is a great way of sowing distrust in a relationship. It's sketchy, and more importantly, it's rude. It's the virtual equivalent of scrambling to hide something every single time someone else enters the room, or singing "I have a secret, and I'm not gonna tell you!" Everyone is entitled to privacy, but it becomes rude when the very act of keeping something secret becomes an exercise in ostentation.

WHACK, you need to download Chrome or Firefox and use the "private browsing" mode, ASAP, please.
I don't understand why people share computers. She should have her own, and then she wouldn't be checking out his browser history.
@12: The kind of controlling, anti-porn, (probably) "masturbation=cheating" person whose portrait was drawn by WHACK's letter would undoubtedly at least try to check the history on his own personal, separate computer.
@11: You make a good point. WHACK's wife might be wondering what he is looking at that could be so disturbing he needs to erase the evidence.
What's becoming of Dan? There was a time he would have demanded a photo of SAP's insanely attractive boyfriend.
@ amajor82, Chick-fil-Atio is obviously the dude fellating the chick's strapon.
@ smajor82, Chick-fil-Atio is obviously fellatio performed by the fellow on the girl's strapon.
WHACK - every modern internet browser now has an "incognito" (Chrome), "private browsing" (firefox) or "InPrivate" (internet explorer) modes. These modes temporarily do not keep history, and are perfect for your porn viewing (or researching birthday gift ideas which is how they are marketed). Learn to use them and your wife will never have to be concerned because the rest of your history will stay the same.
WHACK - every modern internet browser now has an "Incognito" (Chrome), "Private Browsing" (firefox) or "InPrivate" (internet explorer) modes. These modes temporarily do not keep history, and are perfect for your porn viewing or researching birthday gift ideas (which is how they are marketed). Learn to use them and your wife will never have to be concerned because the rest of your history will stay the same.
WHACK -- Google Chrome has really easy privacy browsing-- Ctrl Shift N

SAP -- If I understand correctly, it's not the attention your bf is receiving that bothers you, but the way he responds. He should be aware and respectful of your feelings, but still able to enjoy the attention-- appreciate the sentiment, and acknowledge that he is off the market. My stand-by response whenever I get a comment about how pretty I am or whatever is generally along the lines of "Thank you. My boyfriend is a lucky guy ;)".
As for people who know about the status of your exclusive relationship, shame on them, and possibly keep your eyes open.
i'm all for chicks fil-ing a(holes) -- yea!

'your chick is hot, but does your chick fill A?' -- i love it

also by the way, if i'm into a dude, i think it's super-hot for him to reveal what porn he watches to get off.

actually even if i weren't that into a dude, i still might find this hot.
WHACK - google chrome has an excellent incognito funtion. look into it.
i'm all for chicks fil-ing a(holes) -- yea!

'your chick is hot, but does your chick fill A?'

i love it -- go dicksy chicks!

also by the way, if i'm into a dude, i think it's super-hot for him to reveal what porn he watches to get off.

actually even if i weren't that into a dude, i still might find this hot.
WHACK -- Google Chrome, all the way. Ctrl Shift N.

SAP -- If I understand correctly, it's not the flirty comments that bother you so much as the way your bf responds. He should be allowed to enjoy the attention, but still make it clear he is taken. You’re not asking him to hide under a paper bag or to be rude whenever someone pays him a well-intentioned, well-deserved compliment on his appearance—just that he lets them know without a doubt that he is off the market so that they don’t get the wrong idea, and to stop them if they take things too far.

My general stand-by response is along the lines of "Thank you, my boyfriend is a really lucky guy ;)"

As for anybody who still insists on actively flirting with him-- that is to say, expecting flirting to lead somewhere in spite of you-- those are the ones you need to keep an eye on.
i'm all for chicks fil-ing a(holes) -- yea!

'your chick is hot, but does your chick fill A?'

i love it -- go dicksy chicks!

also by the way, if i'm into a dude, i think it's super-hot if he reveals what porn he watches to get off.

actually even if i weren't that into a dude, i still might find this hot.
Private browsing might be a good solution, but what on earth are you and your wife doing checking each other's browser history? Get separate computers, and leave each other's computers alone. I would feel really violated if my husband went rummaging through my browser history, and my posting here is about as embarrassing at it gets.
WHACK is right. If other people use the computer, besides himself and his wife, they don't need to see his porn habits. I really don't see what the big deal is about the browser history, why that is even an issue. Why does his wife care what he looks at on the internet? People must have awfully boring lives if they have nothing better to do than check their browser history. WHACK needs to take the advise of previous commenters regarding private browsing, or set up his own password protected account on the computer. Then he needs to inform his wife that marriage doesn't invalidate your right to privacy.
Ms Crinoline - I think all the letters about birth control have dulled the Savage edge. If I were more awake than I am, now that it is officially August here, I'd say something witty in that line, but you'll have to make do with imagining something witty and pretending I said it.

Mr Toast - That's actually quite clever of you to use such an LMB line to deflect attention to which you aren't free to respond and turn it to nausea. Quite a good analysis - Adonis would rather have an uncomfortable boyfriend than appear standoffish, which was not high on the calendar of Deadly Sins the last time I wrote a novel about them.

Personally I'm not sure whether SAP is more jealous or envious. Maybe it will come to me in my sleep.

Dormez bien.
I figured Dan had read Houseplants of Gore somewhere along the line. Glad to know I was right.
CA Mom beat me to it, Dan----WELL DONE on Chick-fil-A!!!
@3: LOL!!! Chick-fil-Atio!!! I LOVE it!!
I think you've got a winner (or is that weiner?)!!
WHACK should have his own password protected account on the computer. This will allow him to not only keep his browser history private, but he can bookmark his favorite sites and keep that private too.
Holy shit, it's amazing how many people don't bother to look at even a couple comments before posting their advice about GOOGLE CHROME. HEY GOOGLE CHROME!!!! HEY YOU KNOW GOOGLE CHROME CAN DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO WITHOUT YO BITCH FINDIN OUT!!!!!!

Got it.
Oh Please set up a "Chick fil A" = "pegging" site so I can Google-away on the link like I'm rubbing a button. Or something.

Which reminds me, we have a little protest tomorrow (counter-protest actually) in Arlington at our only Chick-fil-A. Should be a hoot. Word has it that the "anti-" Chick-fil-A protesters will outnumber the bigoted chicken supporters 10 to 1. I'm so proud of my fellow Northern Virginians (not so much the yokels in the Southwest part of the commonwealth, however). Thanks again, One Million Moms, for the info!

As far as the browser guy: he could try not erasing sessions that were on the milder or romantic side, and reliably erasing the somewhat sicker (not judging) stuff. Then, see what she likes. And talk to her about what is bothering her exactly. I don't like that she "berated" you for something that gets you off, without just teasing you about your sexy strangeness, or expressing curiosity.

Funnel-gag people should have shoved the gag into the back of a closet or cabinet, so that the owners would think it was lost for a while, and (whew!) our guests never stumbled upon it. People never remember where they put their funnel-gags, anyway, amiright?
BTW, have you heard about Google Chrome, they do this private history thing.
@12, 26 I understand why people may share the same computer. It's called money.

They can still set separate accounts on the same computer, though. With passwords.

Deleting the entire browser history seems a bit too much - if both share the same account, the wife may want to use the browser history to check links she has previously visited and may be pissed off to see that everything she counts on periodically disappears.
Chick-fil-A(ss hole) and Chick-fil-Atio are brilliant.
I like that GAG used Google reverse-image search to determine what a funnel gag was.

I just Googled what a funnel gag was myself. On Google chrome. Which, just for your interest #33, has a great Google Incognito browsing function.
After reading about the funnel gag I was really sad that the little cartoon for this week didn't incorporate it. Aw, shucks.
I don't live in the US... and I saw a article title that mentioned that Chick-fil-A wasn't going to open in Boston. I figured that it was a rapper. Come on - there must be a rapper that has taken that moniker.

And in the merging of two of the letters, I now have to wipe my cache as I had to search for funnel gag. Jesus Christ- the things Dan's column makes me search!
WHACK if you're on an apple product, in safari you can set your browser history to PRIVATE BROWSING. It does not record your sites or cookies that way and leaves the rest of the history in tact. Turn it on before looking at the porn sites, then turn it off after.

Problem solved!!

Or divorce her. Your choice. This way might be cheaper and less hassle.
The "funnel gag" was in the guest suite, right? Could be it was left by a previous guest, and the host is going to assume that it was GAG's!
I'm with @10 - this wife sounds creepy and controlling - nosey. Yes, the complete clearing is kind of indiscreet just as leaving the history is, and like everyone else has said: private browsing is the answer. Still, I've had nosey girlfriends and every time it's been controlling behavior driven by insecurity. I've also had non-nosey ones...they just out and ask what I am reading or looking at, mainly because they might agree it's hot. Yes, they should have their own computers (if they can afford it), but expecting that neither will ever touch the other's computer is a bad idea.
Following on 11's point, what if WHACK's wife suspects the browser history keeps disappearing because of an online affair? As Dan hints, a history of WHACK's suggesting she do something by herself, he's just going to, umm, look at some work stuff on the internet--basic 'the computer is more interesting and attractive than you' stuff--could raise her suspicions and get her checking browser history, only to find he doesn't want her to see it.

And I agree with Sissou about the shocking thought that some people can't afford multiple computers, or have a home desktop and work laptops and don't want to get multiple home computers.

Online privacy in a relationship is a balancing act, both on what to give and what to expect: the person who hides the screen when their partner sits down next to them because they're flirting with an old flame should cut out the flirting, not whine about the sacrosanct nature of their FB chats.

Finally, am I the only person to see certain adjective-noun combinations in Savage Love and conclude, "Well, no way am I googling that"?
So, I think this is a case-by-case issue, and what needs to happen before any conclusions are drawn is to have a conversation. All the people being super-judgey about the wife -- you don't know what's going on in her head.

My husband and I are both turned on by knowing what the other was looking at, and neither of us has ever been creeped out by the other taking a quick peek at the spank-memory-bank. In fact, it's quite fun. I did it just last night, and we had very hot sex afterwards. I would be weirded out if he cleared the entire history for no reason, because that would imply something other than porn-looking. We share a computer, and it's just not a problem. Because we, you know, are open and communicative.

When we know strangers will be visiting/in proximity to our computer, we clear the cache and use private browsing until they're gone.
Okay, it's sad that I knew what a funnel gag was, but had no idea you could browse in private. I agree - she may not be pissed about your probable porn viewing, but because all of her auto-complete links are disappearing. I know that would burn my ass, given how pathetically I rely on it every time I launch my browser (not to mention my complete failure to remember anyone's email address beyond the first two letters). Private browsing and a conversation about what she's actually angry at you for are musts.
@45 - you are right, we don't know what's going on in her head and we don't know that his version of it is correct. However, the implication of the fact that he clears porn surfing history at all is that she is not, like you appear to be, a porn fan.

@44 - The funnel gag isn't so suggestive or wild by itself, only when in use I think. Truly the advice on that one is unarguable: you must simply block it out and pretend you've never seen it. Really, easier for you and for them, all around...unless of course, it kind of gives you a Chick-fil-A tingle and you want to feel them out about playing together!

"@12, 26 I understand why people may share the same computer. It's called money."

Download a browser she won't use. Use that for porn.

Tor bundle works great insofar as if you don't deliberately point it out and she's not a nerd she probably won't even realize there's a browser to be found in there.
how about the STRAP buy her own harness for a strap on, and the new partner buy her own dildo? that way the new partner can take the dildo with her if they break up and STRAP has the harness. It doesn't seem weird using the same harness with other partners.
WHACK -- get tricky and browse all the soft, vanilla, or slightly-scandalous stuff all you want. Leave the private/incognito setting for the freaky shit. It'll give her just enough to satisfy her suspension of disbelief that you're not looking and porny-porn, just some harmless NSFW fun. Meet her half-way.
So, yeah, communication = good. The wife obviously wants to talk, lets hope it isn't some shaming trap. I also really hope she doesn't think she owns his thoughts. Let the man be private as he wants on the computer.

Because, really, are we all supposed to dance around naked for google and microsoft? Broadcast our browser history as some sort of proud personal statement of identity? Submit to even more directed ads, and stupid attacks because most people can't even set their privacy settings? (I thought people were getting over the 'this is what i had for breakfast' twitter stage.) Good gods, let introverts be introverts, even on their computers, please. Granted, this man is 'caught' because he changed his normal laissez-faire browser history routine, so his situation is a little different.

The other duck in my family is a scary(skilled) computer guy - so I know nothing is truly private. I do like to make the people writing the software work a little harder.

WHACK: Ctrl+Shift+N
Kick the funnel gag under the bed and forget about it.
We want pictures of SAP's boyfriend, just to confirm how much he has too endure poor guy.
Ctrl-H pulls up your Browser History so that you can delete the porn history(one-by-one) yet leave the rest. No suspicious Blank History, no Porn trail.
Mr. Savage with a fine collection of letters today.

Okay, I had to google "funnel gag". Okay, now I know what it is. Mark that one down as "Hey, whatever consenting adults want to do in the privacy of their own bedroom. No sweat!"

Regarding Whack, man are you treading in dangerous territory. The most honest response to wife is easy: "What do you want to know about my browsing history? I will tell you. I cleared the history because I am unsure who else will use it, and I would not want to put anyone outside our marriage in an awkward position."

But does she really want honesty? Seriously? Because even if you remind her that you are not to blame if she wants to "unhear" your answer, she may still blame you. For example, if she is 38 and not in the best of shape, she may be more horrified to find out you like porn involving 20 year old hard bodies than anything else. Dangerous territory.

Scared and Protective: dude, pull it together and then smirk and enjoy. You are living the dream, and those other guys can only look on wistfully. Smirk and enjoy.

Lastly, "I'm a senior in college and a lesbian, and I have a question...."

Was I the only one thinking she was about to ask about these sudden, odd feelings that she wanted to start dating a nice-looking guy going to med school and buy a house in the suburbs? (Running from room, ducking bricks from humor-impaired types.)
Having an insanely goodlooking boyfriend is no fun. I've had several.

One was an alcoholic, who would get drunk and accuse me of infidelity. Meanwhile, everytime we went to a bar, there was always a line of guys waiting to meet him and cop a feel while I wasn't looking. Fortunately for me, I sobered up myself 20 years ago, and those type of relationships are a thing of the past.
@ 51/AC

Will that work? Probably fairly well.

But FFS, do you really want to be in a relationship where you have to deceive your partner in such an elaborate and deliberate way. That's not just a lie of omission that's a deliberate curation of your browser history to mislead her into thinking there's NO omission when there is. Seems pretty manipulative to me.

Look, like most girls I've used my boyfriend's computer to browse the internet (with his permission, obviously) and like most girls I've seen some interesting autocompletes when typing in websites. Some of them were not just "harmless NSFW fun" ala Maxim or Hustler or whatever. But dude, lots of guys are at least CURIOUS about weird and kinky/fetish porn. Nothing to freak out about. I get that I'm a younger generation and we tend to be less scanadalized by this stuff but the more mature ladies on these message boards are a testiment to the fact that being understanding and sex positive is not relegated to my side of the generation gap.
IPJ@44 "Online privacy in a relationship is a balancing act"

If you can't afford two computers, two accounts on the same computer work just as well. There's a reason why computers come with account passwords now.
If you can't afford two computers, then just make two accounts on the same computer. There's a reason why computers nowadays can have multiple accounts with their own passwords.

Not that I'd know. Ahem.
WHACK needs to use a modern browser with a private viewing mode…
To kill two birds with one comment, this is to WHACK and SAP:

Trying to control another person's behavior for whatever personal/OCD need is just weird and futile.

I've been with my husband for 19 years. We have some ground rules that we worked out and we understand that being jealous and work oneself into a frenzy over what the other person MIGHT be doing is just stupid and a waste of energy.

If your partner wants to do something without your knowledge/presence, he or she will find a way to do so. Just get it through your head that there AIN'T A DAMNED THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

If that is something that bothers you to no end, keeps you from sleeping, eating, working and just being a normal human being in general, the only option you have is to be in charge of YOUR OWN behaviour and find options with which you'd be more comfortable. One of those options might be to find someone who is more compatible/shares that OCD need for control you have.

Good luck and happy trails.
I was in a situation like SAP's although I was the hot boyfriend. When my boyfriend and I would go out, I thought it was strange that he seemed to really like the attention that was paid to me because I was so used to guys I dated getting jealous, paranoid, or resentful. Guys were always approaching me, buying me drinks, and making endless suggestions. My bf would go to the bathroom or something and sometimes the aggressiveness of the flirting would really escalate and intensify after which I would tell him, "Your coworker asked if he could kiss my labret to see what it feels like," or "Look - that DJ gave me his number," or sometimes, "That guy wants to go home with us." He thought it was hot. (My boyfriend was no slouch but there's just always been something about me that intrigued guys and made them fall all over themselves - or on top of me.)

But the thing is, we talked all of the time. I told him about the people who pursued me and sometimes we'd incorporate a little of that when we'd fuck later on. Because we were both so open and honest with each other, he didn't feel threatened which I think is the most important aspect to think about.

As well, we always talked about how although monogamy was important to both of us, as guys we recognized that we'd need to reevaluate this occasionally and discuss if we ever wanted to open it up and include some of these admirers.

That was about 15-20 years ago now. The bf and I are now spouses who still haven't opened up our relationship to include anybody else. Who knows - it may happen in the future, but it's not something that's important to either of us because we both really enjoy how our monogamous relationship has worked out. I'm not insanely hot anymore and don't have the built, young body that drove people crazy. I still get attention from time to time but I no longer feel like Jodi Foster in The Accused when I walk into a bar.

The bottom line is, if you can trust your insanely hot boyfriend and if you guys can maintain your connection and open communication with one another, you'll have lots of cool stories to think about in the future while you're blowing or plowing each other. And if you guys do break up, you can probably still use his hotness to score dates with guys who will think you must have had something pretty special to offer a guy who could pick most any guy out of a crowd to do him.
A much better solution to the porn browser history is just to put your browser into "Incognito Mode" (Google Chrome), or "Private Browsing" (Safari). when you are going to a porn site. That way it doesn't add those sites to your browsing history, therefore you don't need to clear that history.
Come on. Who--especially someone familiar with Google Image searches--decides that the best way to learn what people use funnel gags for is to write to Dan? And was there ever anyone really confused about how to act when you inadvertently witness something that's private, none of your business, and impacts no one?

Dan, if you're gonna print fake letters, please fake them better.
Come on. Who--especially someone familiar with Google Image searches--decides that the best way to learn what people use funnel gags for is to write to Dan? And was there ever anyone really confused about how to act when you inadvertently witness something that's private, none of your business, and impacts no one?

Dan, if you're gonna print fake letters, please fake them better.
Extreme Restraints is out of stock on funnel gags as I write this. Coincidence?
Isn't a funnel gag, er, a bit large to casually overlook? According to Google images, I mean.
Install Google Chrome as your browser. They have an extremely convenient incognito mode, where you can open an additional browser window, and the data is not saved, at all.

So you keep Facebook, The Stranger and YouTube on the normal browser, and cumswallowingjizzwhores on the incognito browser. Voila!
Install Google Chrome as your browser. They have an extremely convenient incognito mode, where you can open an additional browser window, and the data is not saved, at all.

So you keep Facebook, The Stranger and YouTube on the normal browser, and cumswallowingjizzwhores on the incognito browser. Voila!
#13 - that's what passwords are for! she can't snoop if she can't log in.

And no, people should not share their passwords with their partners - no reason for it.
I don't know if you want to add Chick-fil-A to your roster of re-purposed names. If you over-use this very effective shaming tool, it will lose its impact.

Besides, they've already done massive damage to their brand, I don't think they need your help. Everyone is already thinking of gay sex when they think of Chick-fil-A now, picturing man-on-man rim jobs when they order fried chicken.

Going to that from a vague image of being able to attend church instead of hocking fast food, you can scarcely hurt them more.

Also, FINE you win, I can't resist learning what that is. But if my wife sees "funnel gag" in my search bar history... well I sure hope it's fun, cause she's always bemoaning the lack of sex toys for men.

and the prospect of having to get a new toy every time I break up with someone isn't appealing.

Seems obvious, every woman should have her own toys. When you date a new partner you can offer up your equipment. Make sure it's high quality so it can be sterilized but don't be surprised if a new partner is grossed out by the thought of being penetrated by a multiple-partner toy.

In that case she can hand you her preferred dildo or buy one that will fit your harness. I'm sure bonding with her is more important and exciting than any particular piece of plastic.


Oh, yeah, all modern operating systems allow for multiple user logins and all modern browsers have a private mode.

I know this has been said many times on this thread but Dan needs to learn it that so he can start giving out post-2005 advice on sharing computers.

Pro-tip for guys with insecure wives (thankfully not me). She knows you view it so you might as well browse around a few soft-core sites to leave the expected history. Then enable private mode and crank out to the freaky stuff.
Everyone who says that he should browse on a separate computer or immediately start using incognito mode or whatever to preserve his privacy from her: I think you guys are silly. The way he phrased it ("etiquette") makes me think that he may have never ASKED her if she would rather he cleared his browser history than see the porn that would be in it otherwise. I think he might've just assumed that she didn't want to see porn in his history without ever bothering to ask her.

If she would rather be able to see his porn sites, then he should stop clearing the history. If she doesn't want to see his porn sites, then he should browse incognito so all her autocompletes don't disappear. Clearing the history is a pretty clumsy way to hide porn usage now, though.
Lame, Dan. Just tell us what a funnel gag is and describe it in all its dirty details. That's what I come to this column for! Now I have to go to Google for my sex filth.
#67: A little reading comprehension might help you. The letter in question wasn't about what the funnel gag is for, it was about etiquette regarding finding sex toys laying around in somebody's house when you're a guest.
The second I read that "'Chick-fil-A" is an obvious synonym for "pegging'," I thought to myself, "that IS obvious." It was one of those forehead-slapping, eye-opening instances that brought clarity to something going on the world around me. Thanks for that.
Browsing history, as well as cookies and temp files should all be cleared about once a week anyway (assuming a computer is used on a daily basis), there is nothing suspicious about that or at least there wouldn't be if that had been his habit all along. Might be helpful to remember for those not yet in or still at the beginning of serious relationships. Clean that computer up frequently from day 1 and it won't seem sneaky later.
Multiple user log-ins is one of those great ideas that might work for, say, a shared office computer, but doesn't relate to the casual way regular people use them. If your mom is over and says she wants to check the weather before she drives home, you don't give a martyred sigh and explain that you suppose she can do that if she waits while you set up a separate account with log-in and password for her. Thus the wisdom of private browsing *even on your allegedly personal, unshared, nonwork computer.* Because odds are, someone at some point will want to quickly look something up on the internet--whether your spouse, work colleague or boss, or houseguest--and tossing a hissy fit about them seeing your browser history is just going to make you look weird.
On Firefox, type Control-Shift-P to enter private browsing mode.
Turning on the 'oversharing' light...I was going to pretend I have no advice for STRAP, but, having had Chick-fil-A, I actually have something to contribute here, and all I can say is, I'll be darned if I have figured out a way that any toy like that doesn't become too personal and too specific to the relationship to ever make a repeat appearance with a new partner.

I know you're a broke college student and all, but you might just have to suck it up and get a new toy. One can cover both ends with condoms to provide some protection against the squick of personal cooties, but it's tough to persuade folks of that. Since STRAP prefers to be the 'recipient' maybe her GF should buy her own harness and take it with's more like an article of clothing than a joint toy.

Going dutch is the right way to balance the burden of the costs.
I'd like, once again, to suggest separate user accounts for shared computers. We use the machines for so much these days that they're functionally external extensions of our brains for many people. We don't share every thought that passes through our heads with others, and we shouldn't be sharing everything we do with a computer.

Also, I concur with the suggestion to use a private browsing session for porn viewing; this is actually a good idea irrespective of whether one is sharing a computer/user account or not, as it can cut down on tracking cookies and other malicious deliverables from the web.
@78: I don't think he's under any obligation to share his browser history at all any more than he's under an obligation to share e.g. the daydream fantasy he had about fucking the cheerleader at the college football game he watched. He certainly can choose to share, if she wants him to, but private browsing mode solves everyone's problems (which is what is was made for).
WHACK - I agree with all of the other commenters who are suggesting Google Chrome. Incognito mode is a fantastic feature. My husband and I watch porn together, so it's not a matter of clearing my history for his sake, but of making sure porn sites don't pop up in the address bar when I'm using the computer when someone else is around. (For example, if my parents come to visit and I want to show them something on the computer.)

When I used Firefox, I just used bookmarks and didn't keep a history. That was a few years ago, though, so I'm sure Firefox has some similar feature now.
Just on SAP, a distinction definitely needs to be made on whether the bf is actively giving off a 'come hit on me and make my bf jealous' vibe, or not. It's extraordinarily easy to give off subtle, but unmistakeable signals to other guys when you're with someone that you'd appreciate their advances, and if the bf is deliberately do this, then he is more than simply the 'victim' of his good looks. If, on the other hands, he is not actively encouraging this behavior (subtly or otherwise), then then SAP needs to take it in stride. I'm willing to bet though that the bf is in fact inviting this attention through more than just his good looks..
IPJ@83: that's what guest accounts are for.
@80, read the question again. Specifically the last sentence.

Also, for WHACK, I've come to understand that there is some way to browse on the World Wide Web without leaving a history. Is there anyone who can name one or more of the browsers that can do that?
Has anyone told WHACK about private browsing options yet?
@78 I don't know how your relationships work, but I don't ask my partners if it's OK for me to have privacy. As others have said, I don't make a big show of being private, because that's rude (and usually passive aggressive), but only a control freak would demand that someone get pre-approval for privacy: "honey, I want to have a private phone call with a friend- can I step outside or would you prefer that I talk in the living room where you can hear me?"

@91, yeah, but that's not what the letter was about. I think #67 was out of line calling it a fake letter.
CA mum took what I wanted to say and then said it better. :-)
For those who suggest two accounts on one computer so that WHACK can keep the porn history to himself - note that someone in these instances has to be the administrator. If it's the wife he is still screwed because the administrator can access all accounts.
The thing I'd be worried about with Dan's advice is if the funnel gag was left by the last guests and the hosts find it after I left and assume it was mine. Instead, I would stick it under the bed and on my way out the door, tell the host that the last guests left something under the bed.
@WHACK, As a few other have mentioned all modern browsers have a 'privacy' mode (…), including Explorer 8 and above, Chrome, Safari and Firefox. If you don't have one of those it's free to upgrade to whichever one works for your computer (unless your computer or OS is particularly old and can't support it). You can always do it under the guise of "Honey, I'm upgrading the computer to the newest, fastest, etc." Presumably privacy mode was invented by those lovely but perverted nerds who write software and jack off all day for just this eventuality (wives being nosey). I oughta know, I was one of them! ;-) Go pervy nerds!

The bigger issue is, I don't think anyone should EVER check another's browser history (unless invited to or unless dealing with some technical issue that requires it and is mucking up the enjoyment of the computer for all other users), at least in a domestic setting. Businesses, schools, libraries and the like already have the legal right to and they do in most instances (so don't try this at work folks!).

@SAP - Your boyfriend is an attention whore (like me). I know this because I'm one of those hot guys that loves to be given compliments. However, he's hurting you (sorry about that). He should definitely be giving the polite but firm, I'm with someone vibe/speech/whatever. If he's not then he's probably not monogamous (like me) and needs to be up front about that with you (like I am) and give the polite but firm we come as a package deal vibe/speech/whatever and introduce you to his new 'friend'.
Dan gives 3 possibilities for what might be the case with WHACK's wife:

1. She finds knowing about WHACK's porn hot (in which case he should stop clearing the history).

2. She finds knowing that WHACK enjoys porn horrible (in which case he should continue clearing the history).

3. She's feeling neglected emotionally and sexually because WHACK would rather spend time with his porn than with her (in which case WHACK should pay attention to his wife and their relationship).

I'm interested in how many of the commenters are answering with the assumption that the problem is #2 rather than #1 or #3. I think #1 is unlikely or WHACK would know it by now. And honestly, I do think #2 is the probable culprit, but I like to think it could be #3. I'm a sappy romantic with a good dose of optimism thrown in, and I think #3 shows the best hope for a good relationship in the future. I mean, they'd have to argue it out, but then things could get better.
What exactly constitutes "making a pass?" This one's always been kind of fuzzy to me. I assumed some physical contact was involved. Definition?
A note to WHACK- I avoid the "to clear or not to clear" conundrum in two ways- 1) try to remember to turn on private browsing, leaving non-porn history in tact (just remember to turn it off when you're done or else that big bold "PRIVATE" flag next to the web address will be a dead give away), 2) if I forget to enable private browsing, I clear the history and then quickly cycle through all the favorites on my bookmarks bar, clicking on various articles and links within each to fill up my history to the point that you would have to scroll down through pages of normal activity to find where the history stops. Anyone going to that much trouble is looking to bust me and I am ready for that chat because there is a far deeper issue than my porn consumption. Hope that helps.

-chick who doesn't think it's anyone's business what she rubs it out to.
Re: WHACK, All the people who seem to be assuming the wife noticed the empty history because she was snooping are jumping to quite the conclusion. As stated by a few previous commenters, she might simply have been looking for a link she herself had visited (I've done that myself), or was wondering why autofill wasn't working for her on links she has visited. I would be more exasperated at the clunkiness of my partner erasing the whole browser history. I've shared a computer with a partner with no seperate passwords, and it wasn't a problem, cause we weren't hiding anything from each other. I would imagine most wives know their husbands are gonna be checking out some porn, and most husbands would know their wives know that, so to erase everything might point more to affair stuff, when only intended to be a sign or consideration. Not thinking through how the actions might be construed before taking them? As stated by many, he could do a private browsing session (thanks for that tip!) or, in many if not all browsers these days, you can select which sections of the history to erase, leaving the rest behind. It definitely looks less suspect.

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