I really wonder how many of the men who say taking semen even if you dislike it is "no big deal" have actually tasted semen. If it's no big deal, then you need to do it yourself. Let her snowball you.
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Look, I'm not saying that come tastes like rainbows and sunshine. I am saying that blowers should be willing to endure a few seconds of unpleasantness to deliver greatly increased satisfaction to their partners. If someone is not interested in being a little uncomfortable to pleasure their partner, then that person probably isn't interested in oral sex to begin with.
I'm pretty disturbed by what you wrote. On a few levels...
I answered earlier, but thought of a more succinct way to phrase it: If you want to give blowjobs, give blowjobs, but then don't complain that you're looking for a long term relationship.
Blowjobs and long term relationships are not mutually exclusive. Beleive me.
The men have no way of knowing that's what you want.
I'm sorry, is holding out on sex some sort of secret code for "I want to grow old with you"? You know, here's a novel idea: people could discuss what they want istead of depriving themselves and others of sexual activity in order to communicate.
If you want a long term relationship, then do what's necessary to move towards a long term relationship. That includes not giving blowjobs too soon.
Um, no. That's absolute garbage.
In that sense, your straight female friends are right, you should wait until you've found out more about the guy to make sure he's ltr material.
Or alternatively, she should do what makes her happy and the reaction of the guys she's with will demonstrate whether or not he's ltr material. Any guy who becomes disinterested in a woman because she likes sex is not worth the time of a woman who likes sex. He can enjoy his future of bitching around the water cooler about how his wife hasn't touched him in months. And his wife can enjoy getting cheated on because of her husband's wicked madonna-whore complex.
I don't like their phrasing about making a guy earn blowjobs because that sounds like you've put prostitute into your job description, but they are right about putting any sort of sexual contact off until a bit later. Think of it as adding variety to your dating life.
Honestly. Crin. I like you, but this exactly the kind of slut shaming nonsense that teaches women that it's okay to settle for a man who judges her on her purity. I specifically would NEVER hold out while dating because
1. I like sex
2. Any guy who judges women for promiscuity would not like me and I certainly would not like him.
I remember being told this exact lie myself when I was a teenager. I consider myself blessed that I didn't believe it and went on to have sex with a guy at a party - which led to an LTR. Oh, and damn right I blew him.
Women who don't let you come in their mouth are group two.
If I guy can't deal with my limits, then I certainly hope he'd dump me (assuming I haven't figured out that he intends to nag me and be disappointed in me for being who I am, and haven't dumped him first).
That said, three months is not a long time. If he's stuck on the idea that she needs to suck it up (literally) and take one for the team, engaging in sex acts that she's said are definitely off the table, then he needs to move the fuck on. She's not for him; he's not for her.
And on the topic of blowjobs, RANDY's girlfriend could, if she wanted to, try letting RANDY come in her mouth with a 'dom on, or on her face/ tits. Neither requires swallowing/ tasting cum, and may be more appealing to her boy.
Prior to my wife, my longest-term relationship began with amazing drunken sex. Over a next few months, we continued having great sex while getting to know each other, and found out that we were actually compatible in lots of different ways. Eventually, we transitioned to a more "formal" boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, which lasted over three years. And no, the break-up had nothing to do with the fact that our relationship began with sex.
Look at it this way, Crinoline: finding a long term partner is fundamentally about finding someone you're compatible with. There are multiple axes of compatibility: intellectual, sexual, lifestyle, emotional, religion (or lack thereof), etc. There's no predetermined order by which you need to check those. For some people, figuring out whether the sex works first is more efficient... and more fun.
It did sound as though BLOW was having that kind of date, but it's worth remembering that there are a whole lot of people who basically have hardly ever had that kind of date at all. Most of the people in my social circles have tended not to ask each other out until they've known each other for months, if not years. It's not unheard of for them to have had sex BEFORE "dating" in any formal sense.
(By the way, I like the typo "fist date" -- not making fun of you, it's just amusing. I think definitely a little later in the relationship, dear.)
Just wanted to say that I like swallowing, but snowballs are a whole 'nuther level of grossness. I've licked cum out of someone else's pussy, and let me just say, I would not want to do that again. Cum congeals quickly...
Sometimes the word matters.
People seem to have their likes and dislikes, sex takes some communication and compromise at times. If after awhile your needs and her desires don't match up, and visa-verso,or if bodily positions have become the semiotics for gender or political statements, perhaps it's time to search out a new partner.
As for doggy style, does she personally find it degrading, or has she been told it is degrading, so she's parroting that line? I'm of the philosophy of doing what feels good. If you don't think RANDY is degrading you while doing it, who cares what anyone else thinks?
If she won't let you fuck her doggy because it's "objectifying to women", then you've got yourself a really shitty girlfriend with a disastrous hang up. Unless you are in the "beggars can't be choosers" category, go find yourself a woman who's happy to get on all fours, arch her back, and stick her nice round ass in the air for you so you can both enjoy a hot, objectifying fuck. Bonus points if she likes it when you slap her ass and/or pull her hair.
As for doggie style, I think the objectifying thing is not really accurate, but there are other reasons not to like it that she may have. So it may be an excuse.
I like the idea of doggie style but I've an inverted uterus. 25% of women have it and it just means your uterus is curved toward your back rather than forward. It can have the effect of certain positions being uncomfortable because it feels like the penis is banging into your uterus. It kind of effectively makes your vagina shorter. Using pillows to prop up hips and such is an option, but it's just never an easy, problem free way for me to screw. And one in four women have their anatomy this way.
RANDY - see how this works? You're not expressing your desires and asking for what you want, you are "nagging and pressuring her". And if she doesn't want to play ball, it's your fault. Maybe if you'd just stop wanting those things, or if you were a better man, she'd give them to you.
This is your future with this woman. Unless you enjoy going around and around that carousel from hell, run away! Find yourself a GGG woman who loves you and is emotionally intelligent and mature enough to accept your sexuality for what it is and work with you in cases where your interests diverge.
It's just that the blowjobs have not been working for BLOW. She's in her mid-20s, and she's NEVER been in a long term relationship. (Except for one where the guy held out on letting her touch him.) Maybe it's never happened for her because she needs a new job, wears the wrong clothes, or talks too much about her cat. Maybe she should try moving to Schenectady, learning to make kreplach, or getting involved in her community theater. There could be all sorts of things that are turning men off so they don't want to date her long term. But judging from the letter she wrote, if I had to change one thing, it would be the blow jobs.
I didn't like the advice either when I got it from a therapist 25 years ago, and in my case, I wasn't even having sex with the guys all that early. I was just making it clear that I liked them, wanted to be friends, anything. My therapist gave me anti-feminist advice that rankles me to this day. It's so against everything I believe in. But here's the funny thing. I held back a little on the very next date I went on, and that's the guy I woke up with this morning. We've been together all this time, and I assure you I have not been holding out on sex, using sex as a leveraging tool, or pretending I don't like sex in all that time.
I'm so quick to tell Dan when he's got it wrong. This time he got it right. And besides, if BLOW tries waiting a bit before giving those blowjobs and it doesn't lead to the long term relationship that she wants, she can always go back to blowing away and try improving her tennis serve instead.
She's in her mid-20s and she has had one LTR. It depends how you define a LTR, but I think that's not too bad.
Of course, she isn't happy the way things are going at the moment, so she has to change something. But why is getting to know a person on a date mutually exclusive to sexual activity on the same date?
By the way: I found your advice to RANDY above rather disturbing. I was wondering why I felt so uncomfortable about it since the slow approach on changing position appeals to me on a certain level. But then I thought about how I would react to every new twist (if I had told my bf beforehand several times that I found sex from behind to be demeaning). I'd probably like the first change, like the 2nd one maybe a bit less but go with it since it was just turning him on so much, and like it less with every turn, but since we'd gotten that far, why not go with the flow?
In the end, I'd feel manipulated but chalk it up to a learning experience: that I need to learn to say no early on. But what if she feels manipulated but isn't able to just chalk it up to be another experience?
And I think you're right about RANDY. The slow approach always holds the risk of being manipulative, the risk that someone will do something when turned on that they wouldn't do when they thought about it. Perhaps better advice would be for RANDY to consider how much he values those 2 sex acts against how much he values this particular relationship. I'd tell him that if he likes her that much, he might as well give up on those 2 positions, but the decision is up to him.
Ideally, people wouldn't have to play games with each other during courtship, and in some cases they don't. But the fact is, we are human beings, not some species dreamed up by humanist philosophers. We all care about the "value" of our mates, and by necessity we use imperfect heuristics to assess that value. BLOW should at least be aware of these aspects of human courtship so she can make an informed choice as to whether to ignore them.
What you need is a hooker. Break up with your girlfriend, let her find a human to be in a relationship with and hire professionals whose job it is to do exactly what their customers want sexually. You are not your girlfriend's friend and she needs some help realizing that, so do the decent thing and do what she doesn't have the sense to do for her.
And doggy style being sexist = puh-fuckin-leese.
As for guys dumping a girl because she gives head 'too soon', Avast nailed it in comment #5; you're well-rid of the sexist-double-standard-perpetuating assholes, BLOW. I wouldn't change your behavior at all - it's serving you very well as an early warning system that protects against an entire class of jerks. Just keep dating until you find someone who you can round up to (and who can round you up to) a One. If EVERY guy you're dating is doing this, consider looking for guys in different places (Bars and dance clubs not working? Try online or book clubs.) or for different guys/using a different approach in the same places (Do you always wait for a guy to approach you? Try approaching guys first. Are you mainly dating geeks? Try bros.).
@129: Yep, that's how coercive social hierarchies (like the sexist double-standard around sexual activity) perpetuate themselves, by rewarding those who conform to them. It's your call how you behave, of course (and given how punishing normative systems can be to those who violate them, I certainly can't blame anyone for not wanting to take the risk or accept the consequences of pushing back against social norms), but all you're really pointing out is why it's far easier to capitulate to normative social systems than to resist them, assuming, of course, that holding off on sex had anything to do with your long-term partner sticking around (as opposed to finally meeting someone with whom you shared sufficient mutual affection/compatibility/etc.). Yup, that's how they work. Women-as-gatekeepers-of-sex is still fucking sexist, and buying-in still perpetuates the norm.
Say what? I don't think such a thing has ever occurred to me. But then I don't believe people have any fixed value on the "mate market" -- it's all in how compatible you are with the other person.
And the processes by which we assess a partner's market value aren't necessarily conscious and deliberate. If, for example, a potential mate comes off as a little too eager to be with you, most of us would consciously experience that as bad chemistry or compatibility rather than think "I could do better than him/her."
How many different PIV positions have you tried? Have you only done a few, so that your focus and desire (and, yeah, probably nagging) for doggy is really dominant? I always like to recommend http://www.sexinfo101.com for more positions than anyone could think of. What about going through the animated pictures together with your gf, reading the descriptions as well as reader reviews, and trying a few. Just please don't start off with the rear entry ones.
Sex should be fun for both parties. And it's never too late to learn new stuff about sex. As for the incomplete bjs, someone above suggested that you wear a condom. It may not be perfect for you to come in her mouth with one on, but it's sure a lot better than having to vacate a tight warm place just as you're about to come. [I don't know if I'm the only woman in existence who feels sorry for guys in porn having to pull out to display money shots.]
Can the two of you compromise on this. Offer the suggestion to her and ask her what flavours she'd like the most. Mmmm. Chocolate. [Sorry, got distracted there.] The other fun aspect is that the condoms come in a variety of colours. So, that's the compromise for her, that she will continue through to the end of your orgasm and aftershocks without having to deal with the taste or swallowing. Your compromise will be that you start off without a condom, but will roll one on as you're getting close so that the experience continues to be pleasant for her. Just remember to open the packet and let the condom come to room temperature first.
IMO, I believe it's a lot better to approach the situation from another angle rather than to hope that some day she'll no longer see these two particular sex acts as degrading. She may or may not. But, this way, you'll be able to have more sex that is closer to your ideal without making it a confrontational situation.
Make them wait and make yourself wait. Women wait not for puritanical reasons, its for emotional reasons. What at least a couple of dates and find out if you want the guy to stick around. Don't mention anything about loving BJ's. Most men are looking for the easiest BJ they can find and why should they stick around if you're going to do it on the first date? Make him wait and like you for other reasons too. Otherwise you're just going to end up feeling like crap. Been there done that, and now happily married for 12 years.
Sure, if you beg the question by assuming from the start that there even is such a thing as "equally attractive." Add in the fact that the vast majority of us come out "average" on most rating systems, and, well, naturally so-called average people end up with so-called average people a whole lot. I don't think that proves anything.
There is discussing the things you love to do in bed, and then there is demanding and whiny pressuring. And RANDY sounds like he's the latter. They've only been together for three months - give her time, fer hell's sake. She does sound like she might be young and perhaps a bit inexperienced. But if he left it up to her, without reminding her every three days how much he misses his "doggy-style", then perhaps she'll come around. And if he isn't willing to give her the time to get comfortable, then she doesn't mean as much to him as he thinks.
I've also known many people that have sex early on, and have no problem with finding long term partners. So BLOW's problem likely has nothing to do with her bj eagerness, but slowing down the bj's may allow her to develop other fundamental relationship skills
Don't try to be a "Rules" girl.
That's phony and dishonest.
You're doing great.
Just keep doing what you're doing.
Sooner or later you'll find your Kenny:
@#56 "As a woman I only use that position with someone I trust because if he thrusts deep too early on it feels like he's punching my cervix......If I trust a guy to be gentle and to wait for me to push back, then I'm game & like it a lot"
As someone who doesn't enjoy actual physical agony with my sex, I wholeheartedly agree. If you're doing something that literally makes my eyes cross in pain I'm not going to be inclined to want to do that. Give my poor cervix a couple of seconds to get out of your way or warm up at least!
@#61 Couldn't have said this better myself
"1) He's nagging her and pressuring her. Neither nagging nor pressuring are sexy behaviors. ...it turns into a touchy discussion." How so? Does the girlfriend just cry or bring up her past boyfriend? Does RANDY get all accusatory? It's difficult to know."
If he's also making her feel bad about her preferences, that's not exactly condusive to him getting what he wants.
"2) I truly don't get this "doggie style is demeaning" thing. I don't watch porn--is that where it comes from? I also don't use the phrase "doggy style," as I don't like it (I just say, "from behind"). Maybe that's what she finds demeaning: the suggestion that they are having sex like animals, with no human emotion (I rather like to feel like an animal, but I understand other people's dislike of it). I wonder if it would feel demeaning to her if he talked to her through out, and said affectionate, humanizing things. Maybe he can't do this in the moment, but he could beforehand and afterward."
The "having sex like animals, with no human emotion " can possibly be it for her. This spoken from someone who loves a "I just gotta fuck your brains out, right here right now" on occasion...but I don't want it to ALWAYS be like that, and even when it is, I still like to know that the other person hasn't so totally lost their mind as to not know there's another human being there with them.
Maybe she's been with someone in the past who's made no other body, or verbal, contact in this position (like it was mentioned before, eye contact in this position is rough) , so that it feels "humanly disconnected". See my comment above about at least acknowleging another person is there.
"Maybe RANDY could explain to her what it is he likes so much about that position. Is it access to her clit for either him or herself? Is it the angle of penetration? Is it the view? If she is assured that his preference isn't because he finds the thought or sight of the position demeaning, she might feel better."
It could be as simple as the fact that she doesn't like her asshole being stared at, or she's not into anal in any form and is afraid he'll be too tempted to resist in this position? I've got to wonder if she's comfortable with 69 with her on top , or reverse cowgirl bent over toward feet (roughly the same "view")?
Like you said, perhaps if he "gently" explained to her what the attraction is, it might help.
@ #121 "The fact that I am not making eye contact or seeing the face of my lover seems to free my mind to imagine an archetype of Woman rather than (as intensely) the specific woman I am with"
That also may possibly be one thing she dislikes about it. While we all know that others fantasize at times, no one wants someone who does that ALL of the time. That can be an awful feeling for the woman on the receiving end, that she is just a current convenient hole for you to stick your dick in while you imagine she's someone else. For me, if it's a case that you have to pretend I'm someone else to get off, that IS degrading. Why would I even want to be there?
I don't disagree with you wrt to the viscosity of semen and congealing. The congealing is why I swallow, but don't "play" with a man's semen after it's out.
I have personally found that women's juices don't change as much as men's do. I've also found that women I'm attracted too tend to always taste o.k., but sometimes men's semen can be gross, even though I like the man and his smell. (With women the only real issue sometimes is smell...)
The point was only that for anything you ask a partner to do for you under the rubrik of "it's no big deal, so you should do it for my pleasure", you should be willing to try it first. A lot of times, insecure or selfish partners can say "it's no big deal" until you ask them to do it (or the equivalent) for you...then it's clear it is a big deal! There are also some puritan, gender roles, or power issues in their heads. (Not saying it isn't ok to play the traditional roles and play around with power, only that you need to acknowledge the motivation).
I also think this guy should basically take the approach of saying that he won't pressure her, but he wants to understand because he values their relationship so much and thinks it can have a future. He also needs to say he "just can't see himself in a LTR with someone with whom he can't frankly discuss and explore sex".
If she says she doesn't like the taste of him or swallowing any semen, he needs to let it go. You can't change that. I would "concede" that in order to get her to try more sexual positions for fucking...
He should also show her he's willing to get out of his comfort zone as well. If she does have some fears he's either sexist or selfish and she's not being 100% irrational, framing it as "let's both explore" in this safe space, is the best way to go.
If he doesn't want to do this "work", he should bug out now. She's not the right woman for him. He really needs to ask himself:
(1) Do I want to do the work to improve the relationship? If so, why? Is it about her or about me?
(2) If I am not willing, is it because of her, or because I expect her to cater to my needs?
(3) What has he done sexually for her that was outside of his comfort zone or new to him?
(4) When they have sex, how many times does she blow him with no reciprocation vs. they both get off? How often does he "go the extra mile" for her pleasure?
If the pleasure and GGG aspects of their relationship are really inequitable and she's pleasuring him a lot, the situation may be feeding her fears of him being sexist, not just the act/acts being sexist in the abstract. I'm not saying that it is, only that we can't know based on what he says and he needs to ask himself these questions.
As some posters have addressed before, if he can get her past the domination issues there are other things that may be at play. He needs to remember that he can't just "let go" and lose himself in the fucking doggie style. At least in the beginning, he has to keep the intimacy going in that position and make sure he's not jackhammering her. If he's on the larger side, he needs to be very, very careful.
Doggie is my favorite position, but I had some men in the past whom I said no way to because of their size or because the didn't know how to start slow and build me up. (Hint: her having an orgasm first will help, then you start slow and build up. Keeping her clit stimulated helps with this).
What's hard to tell from his narrative, is if she feels these acts are demeaning in general to all women always, if she feels they are usually demeaning, or if she feels they are mostly demeaning but can be ok? We also don't know how much of this is driven by her abstract world view, her past experiences with men, or they dynamics of their specific relationship.
He needs to take a good, hard look at this. IF he is doing some sexist, selfish b.s., he can stop and see how she responds. If it's her past experiences, then he may be able to overcome it with work. If it's just her world view, then he needs to evaluate whether he agrees and thinks they can come to a world view as a couple that they both like.
It may just be their POVs on the world and relationships are not in sync.
It could also be not the fact she gives BJs, but how she's approaching the whole experience. If it's clear to the men that she only cares about giving them pleasure and she's not getting anything of direct pleasure or intimacy back in any way, she's possibly sending the message that she WANTS to be used for short-term pleasure only. If that's the case, she shouldn't be surprised when they act accordingly.
I like your interpretation of BLOW and her eagerness to get to the bj part ... like all the time. She herself has stated she's so horny, she can't help but want (or it sounds more like *need*) to give a guy - any guy - a bj. So she could well be wanting to get to the bj at socially awkward times.
And perhaps some guys actually find it uncomfortable to be reduced to nothing but their dicks. If BLOW is so constantly horny, then she might want to go home and rub a few out on her own until she can look at a guy and not see him and his dick as an appetizer course that she is owed.
The studies I'm referencing do not assume there's such a thing as "equally attractive". I, for one, don't believe there is simply because different people are attracted to different traits.
These studies define desirability (not just physical) or market value simply as the percentage of people who consider you to be partner material. Like it or not, we all have a market value thus defined - you can't escape having one any more than you can escape having a height.
Not surprisingly, people tend to end up with partners who have similar market value, as defined above. You find this controversial? Objectionable?
As far as the doggy style, she should at least give it a shot. Maybe she will decide she likes it, and being GGG is part of every relationship. Sometimes we do things that we don't particularly like because it makes our partner happy. She needs to lighten up a little if pleasing RANDY is important to her.
I think a good way to start at least tolerating swallowing is to allow the guy cum where ever, then return to sucking when there's still some residual cum left on the dick. With the small amount, the taste will be diluted and there likely won't be a textural issue.
But my height is a replicable measurement, and I don't see any reason to suppose that the averaging of a bunch of snap judgments made on completely different metrics would be replicable at all -- except in the sense that any time you average a whole lot of anything you're likely to get an answer somewhere in the middle range. Nor do I see a reason to suppose that such an average would have any actual meaning.
As for doggy style, you might try a position that gives her more clitoral stimulation, such as her straddling the corner of the mattress with a pillow between her legs. When it works it's been known to be quite popular.
And one last suggestion: try going down on your girl while she's buns up kneeling. Being done from that angle may open up a new world of possibilities in her mind. Throw in a little rimming and she may be game for anything you want. It may become her new favorite position
That might be a fair criticism of the some of the less rigorous lab studies on this subject, but data from dating sites corroborate these findings, and those data are based on actual (as opposed to simulated) courtship behavior.
@159: They are based on averages of scatter plots
I believe your point depends on the size of the correlations.
"I really wonder how many of the men who say taking semen even if you dislike it is "no big deal" have actually tasted semen. If it's no big deal, then you need to do it yourself. Let her snowball you."
Litmus test, indeed.
Seriously. The smell and taste of semen makes me vomit. I'll swallow, and then 15 seconds later, I'll run to the bathroom and puke.
My husband says he doesn't mind, and that really he'd rather not have me puking. I enjoy giving head. I even like pre-cum, but something about the smell and taste of actual ejaculate makes my gorge rise. And no, it does not matter what he's been eating.
After over a decade, the most I can do is take it in the front of my mouth and spit. And even then, that makes me puke sometimes.
Just FWI, I don't plan on changing my behavior. I'm just curious about what others think.
Also, women are much less likely to even orgasm with a new partner. If it doesn't really get good until the third or fourth time with a guy, then damn straight you aren't going to be interested in trying a bunch of guys out once each. When was the last time you didn't orgasm with a new partner, Cocky?
Something isn't working for her. I see no evidence (besides old wive's tales) that oral sex is the thing that isn't working for her.
If you want to view relationships in such a transactionary way, be my guest. But I don't. When I ended up sleeping with a future LTR at a party (the day after I met him) do you know what he did? He called me. The next day. (gasp!) That's right. No grace period, no waiting three days, none of that. And you know what? It didn't change the fact that he was a smoking hot babe. It just meant we got to have sex again sooner (a big win in my books) If a guy is nice, sincere, and straightforward I see it as a sign of maturity and confidence. Not a sign I'm somehow above him. When a guy tries to play games I assume he's trying to put up smoke and mirrors to distract from his small penis, like most men who read "The Game".
I don't think that's unreasonable. While I agree with the principles of GGG, I'm no more going to be with a guy who requires that than I'm going to be with a woman. It's not what I'm into, not what I'm wired for, not what I'm up for.
Regarding BLOW's letter: I don't understand straight guys. I just don't. Do they enjoy wasting three or more weeks dating each new girl before finding out that there is no sexual chemistry? Whatever may be wrong with dating behaviors in the gay world (and there is a lot), at least we get one thing right, namely we tend to get an answer to the crucial question of whether there is chemistry in the bedroom before investing too much time, money, and energy in a relationship.
Frankly, I don't think that's a universal hetero thing. Probably more like small towns? I haven't really encountered that attitude in my own hetero experiences and my view towards relationships is the same was yours.
>> framing it as "let's both explore" in this safe space, is the best way to go.>>
I've been with quite a few women who weren't into me coming in their mouth (which is OK, since it's not that big of a deal to me...although I think any woman who is into it is hot) but I can't recall any woman who was opposed to doggy-style. Even a woman I was with who was an ardent feminist, and would frequently use phrases like "objectifying to women", was into it (and, as a wonderful sexy bonus, anal sex as well.) I can understand a woman not wanting to have sex doggy-style all (or even most of) the time. But never?
but I do think there's a double standard at work here. She had an ex who refused to go down on her. When I said, "He needed to man up and take one for the team, even if he didn't like it," she readily agreed with me. So why can't she "take one for the team" and swallow my come?
I have to disagree. I think a woman just going down on a man, without having him come in her mouth, is equivalent to a man going down on a woman. And, while I'm at it, what's with men who refuse to go down on a woman? Unless a woman has some serious hygiene issues there (and I suspect that's very rare), what's the problem?
You're obviously going to bed with the wrong guys. My first girlfriend, in high school, had her mouth on me pretty quickly (and I had mine on her just as quickly) and we were together for four years.
You could do what Dan suggests -- "Stop sucking guys off on the first date and see if they stick around longer." -- but it seems to me that's only going to prolong these guys from leaving if all they're after is having you suck them. If a guy really likes you and is attracted to you and thinks the sex is great -- and, crucially, he wants a relationship, not just sex -- he's going to stick around if you suck him right away.
So plan first dates you enjoy and don't be surprised that you have to "kiss a lot of frogs" before you find someone with whom you connect.
A blowjob in which you have to finish off with a hand (hers or yours) is subpar. Sorry, it just is. I don't give a damn if it's swallowed or spit, but being left hanging right at the moment of climax is a total letdown.
For those that mentioned snowballing, I've done it. Asking for it is pretty much the only way I can get a complete BJ. But the problem is, immediately after guys come, they lose interest in sex. So a snowball might sound like the sexiest thing in the world two seconds before climax, and then...meh.
Semen may not be exactly the same as vaginal secretions, but there are certain times during a woman's cycle when she might not taste so sweet. And I deal. I don't think it's too much to ask for the same consideration.
Lastly, to BLOW: I gave my husband head on our first date and it worked out. He knew that I was looking for an LTR though from the start, and communicated that he was too. Be upfront with your expectations!
Punkboy - does your wife know this, that it's a letdown to not come in her mouth?
My perspective changes depending on whether we're discussing the sexuality of our species, as we often do here in Dan's comment section, or sexuality as I personally experience it. If I'm looking at patterns in human behavior, I aim for the role of detached observer. If you knew me, however, you'd see me as very much "in the moment" when it comes to my living my life.
But we don't have to choose between economics and love - they can both play a role. The market influences who many of us might consider as a mate (admit it!), but connection and chemistry are required to take things to the next level, as your example clearly demonstrates.
For many of us, myself included, when you find someone you really connect with, playing games only get's in the way.
And what if she happens to be one of those creatures who is dominance seeking? The idea that playing with power dynamics in a heterosexual relationship should always involve the female partner acting submissively because that's what "guys get off on" IS pretty degrading to women. They've only been dating three months, yet the onus is already on her to embrace her inner sub because what? She's the girl? Fuck that.
@124If she won't let you fuck her doggy because it's "objectifying to women", then you've got yourself a really shitty girlfriend with a disastrous hang up. Unless you are in the "beggars can't be choosers" category, go find yourself a woman who's happy to get on all fours, arch her back, and stick her nice round ass in the air for you so you can both enjoy a hot, objectifying fuck. Bonus points if she likes it when you slap her ass and/or pull her hair.
See, this shit right here is probably why she thinks doggy-style is demeaning. Because it comes with all this slapping and choking and hair-pulling shit attached.
To make myself clear; being submissive in bed is not demeaning. To have it assumed and expected that you should be submissive in bed simply because you are a woman and that's how heterosexual powerplay works--that IS demeaning.
Not all women like being submissive. That doesn't necessarily mean they have 'hang ups' any more than it makes YOU a prude if you don't happen to want to pose with your ass in the air while someone slaps and penetrates you.
If you hate something, you hate it, just the way it is. But surely there's a good sub for a warm mouth!
1.) It does feel weird and sort of submissive to be on all fours. I can see how that translates to 'demeaning'- you have comparatively little control and are just bracing yourself against the humping, as opposed to positions where you can contribute significantly to the humping.
2.) Doggie-style is the position that causes the most penis-to-cervix contact. If you've never had anything repeatedly rammed against your cervix, news flash: it hurts.
I know that Dan thinks that oral sex is a basic requirement, but not all of us can do it. I wish I could. My last boyfriend broke up with me because of this, and I really don't blame him. But at the same time, I don't want to retch and gag every time I have sex, either.
That said. LW1's girlfriend is within her rights, and she's probably sexually incompatible with LW1. LW1: If you're reduced to asking repeatedly, it will probably never happen in a way that's satisfying to you, unless reluctant or begrudging participation are a turn-on for you.
My first LTR started in my teens with an older woman who was unwilling to participate in pretty much anything except PIV and cunnilingus. I didn't realize how unusual she was until I left her and met some enthusiastically sex-positive women.
Seems like you're better off just moving on. In my humble experience, most het or bi women will enjoy the things you're missing in your current relationship. Plus, there will be enough excitement and enthusiasm (and/or variety) that dropping a single act from the menu won't be a big deal, which doesn't seem to be the case for you now.
All assuming, of course, that you're not an asshole or a creep.
That said. LW1's girlfriend is within her rights, and she's probably sexually incompatible with LW1. LW1: If you're reduced to asking repeatedly, it will probably never happen in a way that's satisfying to you, unless reluctant or begrudging participation are a turn-on for you.
My first LTR started in my teens with an older woman who was unwilling to participate in pretty much anything except PIV and cunnilingus, and yes, the resistance was largely couched in pseudo-feminist language of the kind you're hearing. I didn't realize how unusual she was until I left her and met some enthusiastically sex-positive women.
Seems like you might better off just moving on. In my humble experience, most het or bi women will enjoy the things you're missing in your current relationship. Plus, there will be enough excitement and enthusiasm (and/or variety) that dropping a single act from the menu won't be a big deal, which doesn't seem to be the case for you now.
All assuming, of course, that you're not an asshole or a creep.
In particular, many people (including many women) have a kink for submission. It's hard work being the dom and running the scene, but if your partner loves submitting, and if you can get into it, then over the course of a year (baby-step by baby-step) you should be able to use training and positive reinforcement to get almost any kind of common sex act.
And he should probably find someone else, because he's also allowed to have sexual preferences.
LW1 - there's all kinds of replies from a ton of women who've had similar feelings - hope you read those & get something out of it!
I understand what it is to think a particular sex act is icky (swallowing cum, for example). I don't understand what it is to think a particular sex act is demeaning. (Even fantasy play where I act subservient doesn't strike me as demeaning. It's just something to do to turn him on. Doing all the housework or being the object of his temper would be demeaning, but then it's not sexual.)
So I think my earlier advice to RANDY to try easing his girlfriend into a rear entry position when she's turned on comes from my thinking that she would be able to get past thinking something was icky if she could do so when she was turned on. I don't see repercussions for that when she thought about it later. It would just be "gee, not as bad as I thought," and the memory would give her a thrill again.
There are also sex acts that are painful or uncomfortable even if they can be hot too. Doggie style is that for me. I like it, then am all the more likely to come down with a UTI the next day. At this stage in my life, I'm more likely to feel an uncomfortable irritation on my urethra, but in that case, I'm going to say "ouch, stop that" the moment it bothers me.
That said, my experience is that once I had a few girlfriends who enjoyed swallowing, liked it in all positions, and were all around kinky-as-fuck, a woman who doesn't like to give head or swallow is going to leave me feeling as if she's not the lover for me - it's just something I couldn't give up, knowing there are women out there who enjoy it.
On the other hand, I've met men who really, truly, just don't like receiving blowjobs. Perhaps us heteros need hanky codes...
Perhaps the taste of Healthy Straight Man's come is not to his girlfriend's taste? Just as other body fluids are affected by the amount of water we drink so is come.
Concentrated come is probably not to any woman's taste.
If HSS upped his daily water intake - as say, runners, or many yoga teachers do - he may find his girlfriend a whole lot more willing...
- Go Only With Guys With Nice Habits
(Not claiming it's likely; just found it amusing that it hasn't come up.)
Oh, I thought of it, but I knew if I said something like that people would add it to the ongoing list of catty remarks I make and I wouldn't live it down for weeks.
my ex just didn't understand this, and having sex with him became an unenjoyable chore for me. Thank you so much for bringing this up!