Columns Sep 19, 2012 at 4:00 am

Loaded Questions


RANDY- she is not opposed to doggy style, probably insecure. Offer up a back massage, work your way down with lots of reassuring compliments and body kisses. Do this a couple of times, work the hands to get her off... her butt is going to go up instictively.
Your cum probably tastes yuck or is viscus(worst word in the world) and she doesn't want to puck on your dick. So, that is very nice of her. Eat more fruit.
You sure? Ambrosia confers immortality.

so you're slurping it by the gallon?
The whole "maybe THIS bullshit, maybe THAT bullshit", is LAME. And the MTV ends are making it too easy to mail in these tepid responses to douchebag straigt 18-24s. How much money and exposure do you actually need, as much as possible ?
Hunter, you know what bleach SMELLS like - you have no idea what it tastes like. I strongly encourage you to remedy your ignorance on the matter.

I'm pretty keen on kinky sex, enjoy being sub and like a bit of dirty sex, but there are certain positions I don't find hot even now, and that includes what people generally think of as doggy style. There is simply very little intimacy with doggy style, and the sort of acts anyone who's been exposed to it through porn will associate it with - hair pulling, arse slapping, DP - are going to be major turn offs for women who aren't into D/s stuff.

So, what is it about the doggy style you want? Would spooning be an appropriate substitute? The angle is from behind, which can feel good, but it has the bonus of being much more intimate than traditional doggy-style. You can hold her close, whisper in her ear, kiss her neck, and your hands can reach her whole body. She can also reach you much more easily, instead of having her arms used to hold herself up.

If what you get off on with doggy style is the "degrading" stuff - the hair pulling, the lack of intimacy, arse slapping, the feeling of dominance - then she's not wrong in feeling objectified by it, if that sort of thing isn't for her.

That said, FFS BACK OFF about it for a little while. You say "whenever I bring it up" which tells me this is something you've talked to her about multiple times. And you've been together FOR THREE MONTHS. For all you know she'll get into it if you give her some damn time. Some people take longer to get comfortable and intimate than others - my other half had never given anal before and it took months before he was willing to try it with me - now he loves it. Conversely, I didn't feel able to say "I love you" for almost 2 years. 3 months is a REALLY short time to have had this conversation with your GF enough times to feel the need to write to Dan Savage about it.

You know what makes me take longer to feel comfortable with someone? If that someone nags me every week to get comfortable more quickly. It's a major turn off to be pressured, not to mention a warning sign that the person you're with doesn't care about anything but their own needs.
What on earth does hair pulling have to do with rear-entry sex? I don't like my hair pulled in any direction, but if I did, well, it's accessible from all sides.
@220, @221: Hasn't a man ever run his fingers through your hair and massaged the back of your neck and head, occasionally clutching your hair and pulling gently? It's feels awesome. I certainly enjoy it when a woman does it to me.

It does require you to be comfortable with mild submission, however, and judging from this thread, even the giving the appearance of submission is off limits for some women.
If you're a het male writing Dan Savage for advice, then you're FUBAR.
Look, any woman with those kinds of hangups either suffered some sort of abuse, or she's a militant feminist. Either way, you're just wasting your time.

Swallowing the load is no more of a chore than going down on a woman who is, shall we say, less than spring fresh.

Lastly, fuck you Dan for taking one more GGG woman out of the het dating rotation by telling her not to put out on the first date. Seattle women are a big enough pain as it is without an old gay nannygoat telling them to wait.
Poor 223,
not gotten any lately? :-(
If you're a het male writing Dan Savage for advice, then you're FUBAR.
Look, any woman with those kinds of hangups either suffered some sort of abuse, or she's a militant feminist. Either way, you're just wasting your time.

Swallowing the load is no more of a chore than going down on a woman who is, shall we say, less than spring fresh.

Lastly, fuck you Dan for taking one more GGG woman out of the het dating rotation by telling her not to put out on the first date. Seattle women are a big enough pain as it is without an old gay nannygoat telling them to wait.
@222: I'm not submissive (the whole dom/sub thing simply makes no sense to me; it's not how I think about sex). But the main objection I have to hair pulling is that it hurts and it's humiliating. No one's ever tried it on me in a sexual context, but they'd soon learn not to. Having my hair or scalp caressed is quite another thing.

I do get the idea of there being desirable kinds and degrees of pain, but hair pulling just ain't one of them as far as I am concerned. For one thing I associate it with being too young to get the tangles out of my own hair, and with playground bullies. Nothing sexy about feeling like a miserable eight-year-old.
@224 for the win!!
Not including your mom, "migrationist", I'm currently juggling 3 women.

I'm telling you guys, the college feminists are fun for a few weeks, but the mainstream women are more fun and don't drag Marx and Steinem into bed with them.
@226: Yes, having one's hair pulled is (or can be) both painful and humiliating, and that is the appeal for many of us who like it. It also forces the pullee's head up and back, baring the throat, and is a position which establishes the dominance of the puller. I'm getting a little weak in the knees just thinking about it.

To each her own.
@ Eirene

Hair pulling in the bedroom is the human equivalent of when animals get picked up by the scruff of their neck. It looks painful but it's typically not. Generally the puller grabs a fistful of hair (so any force is spread out over more follicles) close to the root.

Schoolyard hair pulling is just the opposite. That's grabbing a small strand of hair, closer to the end and sharply tugging (which DOES hurt!)

Very different. I don't like pain but hair pulling's quite alright in my books and actually sexy when done right.
"Your girlfriend, like so many other girlfriends and boyfriends before her, may be trying to run out the clock. She may hope that by the time you realize she's never going to do your bedroom favorites, you'll be too emotionally invested in the relationship to dump her."

My wife told me she loved to give head and receive oral sex. This was the first but not the last lie she would tell me.
Good point, mydriasis, about how hair pulling during sex is different from playground hair pulling. It exerts force and pressure, and sometimes a scalp tingle, but no real pain. And it is sexy as hell--to me.
But we don't all have the same responses.

Generally speaking, hair pulled during sex is grabbed in such a way as to move the whole head. Frequently the hair is pulled when one partner is behind the other; hence the association with rear entry sex. I understand that "the whole dom/sub thing simply makes no sense to [you]" and it's not how you think about sex, but lots of people do think of sex as a power exchange and the D/s dynamic makes a lot of very compelling sense to a lot of people. It's nice that here we are all able to broaden our minds, if not our experience, and try and understand each other's perspectives.
Clarification: in my comment at # 234,
I was addressing Eirene for the most part.
Here's another cocked and loaded question:
What would the world be like if all humans were unisex, but in a way that those who wanted to procreate still could, and those who didn't just didn't?
Would that be okay? Would we still have a bunch of stupid wars over it?
Would life become boring as hell? Sublime for those who don't give a shit
about gender-specific relationships? Would there be world
peace if no specific human could be considered a baby machine?
No need for abortion clinics?

Or would the Republicans STILL find some bizarre Banana Republic way
to fuck everything up and threaten to destroy the world?

My mind is running double-time this week.
@ nocutename

Haha, I figured.

@ griz

I love gender roles. A lot. Also, in my opinion anatomy kind of plays a role in sex soo... it would depend on what you anatomically mean by 'unisex'.
I dunno Dan. I think you gave RANDY a harder time than you normally do. If he describes the come swallow as a kink, does that make a difference? It seems that "kink" is kind of a magic word that means "dump the person" if you don't get what you want. What makes this whining when he just likes something sexually? And... I agree with someone else up there who said doggy is not objectifying. Some people don't feel as good in that position, but she has a block here that is not related to him. She may have work to do here.
236- Auntie G

Check out science fiction writer Ursula Leguin. She does some nice work on gender-free society.
@226: the whole dom/sub thing simply makes no sense to me; it's not how I think about sex

It's not "how I think about sex" either, but I do find role play, including games involving power imbalance, to be very fun and very sexy.

To have a woman basically say I can have my way with her (within pre-arranged limits)? Yes please! And having a woman treat me like a toy and "force" me to do naughty things. Hot!
@Eirene- Hair pulling is something you can experiment with by yourself. I first found out I enjoyed it in more of a sensual way during a normal spa massage. Somehow I experimented doing it by myself and found if I do it really SLOWLY and STEADILY it can be *very* enjoyable. I have never even done it during any type of sex with someone else. The nice thing about doing it to yourself is that you are in full control. By myself, it is a sexually pleasurable feeling.
Also, totally not into D/s, btw.
Hey Randy, dump her. Now. The sex isn't going to get any better than it is at the moment. She's a woman who, way down deep, doesn't like sex. Which is about 25% of the women out there. Stay with her and you're going to regret it.
@mydryasis: I guess I'll have to think more on that one.
What I basically meant was a society that wasn't so obsessed
with what was considered male or female, and specific male or
female body parts.

@Crinoline: Thanks for the tip on author Ursula Leguin!!

"she is disgusted by having a big glob of nasty taste and alarming texture blasted down her throat." "Um, that WOULD be alarming, if that's at all what swallowing was like. Has that been your experience? Or are you just assuming."

It actually is what the experience is like for me and us non-swallowers. I don't find it degrading, I just physically can't do it. Imagine having a giant wad of salty snot/phlegm (specifically someone else's giant wad of salty snot/phlegm) shot directly onto your taste buds. I've tried swallowing numerous times and have thrown up on more than one occasion. On. My. Partner. Ugh. The few times I have managed to actually get it down my throat I have severe stomach unrest for the entire day. After throwing up on your partner's dick or getting sick, you get a little gun shy about it. In order not to associate my partner's dick with something I hate, I respectfully ask that they come anywhere they want except in my mouth.

But some people don't have that reaction at all and really like it and that's totally cool. Wish I didn't, but my partners seem pretty ok with the trade-off of me not throwing up on them as they are coming.

When guys have been a little miffed about the fact that I won't swallow, I tell them to swallow there own come or a glass of my snot/phlegm once and then come back and talk to me about it. Just try it; see what you think.

I DISAGREE WITH Dan Savage's ADVICE TO, "Randy."



A few things:
For RANDY, don't do the shift position mid maneuver thing, that... seems an awful lot like trying to trick her into doing something she said she doesn't want.

But don't just talk to her about it when she's eating breakfast or whatever.

What I'd suggest is... leave the subject *completely* alone for at least 2 weeks. Then, suggest it to her while you're, say, eating her out--that is, while she is very much in the mood, and you are doing your best to make her very happy first.

On the blow job issue: flavored condoms?

And, for BLOW: may I suggest you at least refrain from blow-jobs on the *first* date? Because, like it or not, that tends to send one of 2 messages. One, that you are just looking for a little fun, not a relationship. Or, two, that you're desperate. And, well, barring a few narrow circumstances, desperation is just *not* sexy.

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