Re: RANDY -- If she dislikes the taste of come, then sorry, that's off the table, in my book. Making someone swallow something that makes them gag is a douchebag maneuver. (And, for me, would be a boner-killer. I don't know about you, but I get off on being desired, and any hint of distaste for the proceedings makes me say, "Fuck, never mind; forget the whole thing.")

You don't get to counter with refusing to go down on her, either, to make the point about taking one for the team. I'm assuming that you are not disgusted by coating your face with vaginal juice the way she is disgusted by having a big glob of nasty taste and alarming texture blasted down her throat. Completely different experiences.

On the other hand, the whole "doggy-style is objectifying to women" thing is pseudo-feminist bullshit. Unless she has caught YOU objectifying women with doggy-style, then it's just one more sex position. (One that feels pretty damned good for both partners, too, so she is cutting off her nose to spite her face.) The truth is that ANY sex position is potentially objectifying, depending on the person doing it. Would she object to receiving oral, if the guy giving it was obviously perving on her crotch?

1-A correct response to RANDY
2-As for “I'm having a hard time picturing a guy who wouldn't want to date a woman who enjoys giving head—are there many guys like that out there?”
The answer, my friend, is blowing… in the wind.
A resounding “NO” indeed, which means BLOW may have some other things going on that may deter blowees from continuing dating her.

As I read RANDY's post, I am reminded of a close friend of mine whose girlfriend at the time had similar hangups about sex, particularly with blowjobs or any her-back-to-his-front positions. After a while she began refusing to have sex of any form, claiming that sex was "degrading to women" and that "men are just horny pigs who make sex a chore." (she said this to my face). They ultimately broke up when her secret girlfriend of 2 and a half years outed her to everyone in their social circle.

RANDY, I am so very sorry, but I sincerely believe from the bottom of my heart that your girlfriend may be a lesbian in denial. Either that or she has been sexually abused and failed to confide or come to terms with it, instead taking it out on you. The two of you need to have a VERY frank discussion about her hangups, because they are there for a reason you may wind up having to pay the price for if you don't.

I would tell RANDY to get himself a new girl. It sounds like he really likes sex and it sounds like she really doesn't all that much. The whole "objectifying to women" bullcrap is, well, bullcrap. Sex isn't objectifying to women unless women think that it's the right of the man and the duty of the woman. Fuck that. Sure, he can say he's really into her emotionally, but is that the truth? I think it's a case of "looks best on the hanger" -- if you don't think it's killer awesome to die for now, you're not going to think that later.

...that said, I have had boys that I was totally in love with who weren't all that into getting head while I love giving it. But they always indulged me, even though it wasn't their thing. I think this is a workable situation, but "wait until I'm ready" is (again) bullcrap.

@2: I am not aware of a general trend of guys who don't like girls who give head. However, I am aware of a general trend of guys who consider a girl who puts out sexually on the first date to be not relationship material, because she is too easy. These guys are hypocritical assholes -- if giving a blowjob on a first date is a fatal character flaw, then what exactly is getting a blowjob on a first date? -- and you are well rid of them.

FWIW, I hear that same line of crap from women as well, that a woman who puts out on the first date is a slut. I'm not so sure what their motivation would be. Fear of the competition, maybe?

#3 - Wow, so all girls who don't like to swallow are lesbians or sexually abused? MAKES TOTAL SENSE.

Not. How about they just don't like it? I'm totally okay with swallowing, so I cannot relate, but sometimes girls just don't like to swallow, for no other reason than the taste. And they should have that right without people psychoanalyzing them with no proof.

LW1: That's rough, dude - those are my favourites too.

I have never been able to understand the "don't come in my mouth" thing. What's up with that? I find something so.... sad about a guy coming into thin air. Pulling out (whether with oral or PIV) is so unappealing to me. Also, I'm pretty sure doggy-style was invented by angels to make the world a better place.

LW2: " that particular ex was a she-comes-first/worship-the-pussy kinda guy. (I didn't get to touch his dick until we were about a month in!)"

Wowwww. It's like someone genetically engineered the exact opposite of what I want in a man. That's awful. If I dated a guy and he "didn't let" me touch his dick for a month? He wouldn't make it two weeks. Bleh.

On the positive side, I'm sure most women love him.

@avast

"she is disgusted by having a big glob of nasty taste and alarming texture blasted down her throat"

Um, that WOULD be alarming, if that's at all what swallowing was like. Has that been your experience? Or ar you just assuming.

Semen should be fairly innocuous in flavour unless the person smokes* or has an especially atrocious diet, or perhaps a medical condition.

*cigarettes, marijuana's fine.

BLOW - enthusiastic blowjobs, like Christmas morning for four year olds, can never arrive soon enough. The vast majority of men put first date awesome blowjobs in the plus column. While there are bound to be exceptions to the rule, We Are The 99%

Quoth Randy:

So why can't she "take one for the team" and swallow my come? I would feel bad if she were doing something she wasn't comfortable with, but it disappoints me when she takes my dick out of her mouth and points it at my stomach when I start to come.

Maybe I'm misreading this, but it seems like there are two things RANDY is complaining about: 1) she doesn't swallow his come, and 2) she doesn't let him come in her mouth. Dan only addressed the first one, and I completely agree with that response. After the orgasm, a blower is free to do whatever s/he wants with the come.

But what about making him come on his stomach instead of her mouth? Maybe I'm off-base here, but a blowjob that doesn't end in the blower's mouth is a decidedly inferior blowjob. So I think he does have a valid complaint about how the blowjob ends. He does not have any valid complaint about what happens afterwards.

Am I alone in thinking that a blowjob that doesn't end in her (or his) mouth is a crappy blowjob?

When guys start digging into the vagina and slurping down handfuls of eggwhite cervical mucus as part of cunnilingus, then they can start asking women to try swallowing semen. Vaginal juices=pre-come NOT semen.

Wait. Why would anyone consider doing doggy-style if she really did think it was objectifying to women? That doesn't make any sense. On the other hand, taking some time to get used to a new thing DOES make sense. Seems like something where talking it through to find out what aspect of the position actually bothers her might help, given that she did say she wanted to get more comfortable with it.

For instance, if the position feels less intimate to her because you can't see each other, ask her if there are any other things the two of you could do that might make the face-to-back cuddling more intimate.

If she really doesn't want to, period, she doesn't have to, of course, but then she should decide what she wants and say so honestly. Like most differences over sex, this is 99% about the communication and only 1% about the naughty bits.

@ 10
"Am I alone in thinking that a blowjob that doesn't end in her (or his) mouth is a crappy blowjob?"

No, you're not alone.

@ 11

And I'd prefer semen in my mouth (neatly swallowed, no mess) to vaginal fluid smeared all over my face - your point?

@12
"For instance, if the position feels less intimate to her because you can't see each other"

Homegirl can look over her shoulder, he's right there.

@8: I've only ever tasted my own. Yes, it is pretty bland. (And it seems to be even blander since the vasectomy. I might be making that up, though; I haven't made a study of this, just once or twice out of curiosity. The second time was in response to a recent Savage Love discussion.) I'm going off reports I have read from women describing their experiences as bitter, alkaline, salty, chlorine. (I say that last one was blowing an alien.)

It is a pretty gross texture, too: rather like having a head cold and no handkerchief, sniffing energetically, and getting a mouthful of snot to deal with. Pretty close to the taste of snot, too. All in all, not something I could blame someone for not wanting to swallow.

I remember one time in college, getting Chinese take-out for lunch. Broccoli with scallop sauce, I think it was. Two bites in, the thought popped up: "hey, that kind of tastes like..." I couldn't finish it.

mydriasis@8, to some of us the taste really is awful, period, not to mention the texture. It's not just the guy's metabolism or diet or whatever (though those do make a difference).

@14

You don't swallow your own phlegm? Personally, I wouldn't say semen's anywhere near as viscous. Besides, if they're coming at the top of your throat (or, preferably, IN your throat) you spend very little time experiencing the texture as most bypasses your mouth anyway. I'd say it's wayyy more like miso soup.

@15

I honestly find that surprising. I was an extremely picky eater growing up and I'm still VERY texture-sensitive. If I eat yogurt, pudding, etc, I have to have like a quarter of a spoonful at a time to not feel repulsed. Which makes me wonder if it's more of a psychological thing.

avast2006: chlorine is not an alien thing. I suspect those of us who get the chlorine/baking soda/other seriously bitter flavor are tasting something other people don't.

mydriasis, you must be way more flexible than I am. I either wouldn't be able to turn round far enough to see much, or I'd get a serious crick in my neck -- not very conducive to ardent glances. In any case it was just an example; that may not be her issue whatsoever.

@ Eirene

Huh. Interesting. I like taking a peek, it's a nice view. Maybe I still have flexibility from cheerleading somehow.

Point being - don't try to bend your neck when it doesn't want to bend!!! But you knew that.

I think some women (and men) take all of their sex-negativity and concentrate it on certain acts (ones that are popular with men, of course, because male sexuality is obviously bad and evil and an affront to women). Instead of seeing all sex as dirty and degrading they only see certain KINDS of (vanilla) sex as dirty and degrading. Gives them an outlet for all pearl-clutching and an excuse to bust out the smelling salts. Same reason a guy might judge a girl for giving head early in a relationship even if he's too "evolved" to judge her for having sex early in a relationship.

@Eirene

Oh also, sorry, the science nerd in me couldn't resist. If I'm not mistaken, chlorine doesn't have a taste. It has a smell. Chloride doesn't really activate a taste receptor that I know of. As for bitterness/baking soda (same receptor, in this case, I believe), it's possible that there's some substance causing that taste.

But honestly, I think people who have a bad first experience are reluctant to expand their sample pool and just assume all semen tastes bad. I've definitely noticed a range, myself.

I dated a guy once who had the most TERRIBLE tasting come; it was so bad that I would not let him come in my mouth. My husband's, on the other hand, is downright pleasant, and I'll swallow his gladly, even if he didn't come in my mouth to begin with (which is odd, because my husband's diet is not all that much healthier than the other guy, plus he smokes and my ex didn't). So it could just be that RANDY's come tastes like drain cleaner.

@16: "You don't swallow your own phlegm?"

Well, yes, but that doesn't mean I _enjoy_ it. Especially not a huge freaking gob of it. If the situation allows for it (e.g., restroom, outdoors) I prefer to spit that out. And yes, I'm aware that I'm swallowing mucus in smaller quantities all day long, something like up to a quart a day. It's really about the experience of having to deal with the big goober.

Miso soup, eh? Ah, right. You and your guy have sex a lot, don't you? When you go a day or more between ejaculations, it can be viscous. (But it gets runny after 30-45 minutes. One theory is that helps with retention for insemination, but then dissolves to allow freer sperm mobility.) More frequent ejaculations tend to not be viscous.

I'll take your word for it on the fluid dynamics of the throat.

Also, I can sympathize with the whole "positions not being intimate enough" thing. For example you might be able to see your partner, but not be able to kiss them, and sometimes that might feel important. Probably not enough to refuse to do that position ever, but it can make it less appealing at times. Hopefully the position has other charms to recommend it. (Example: doggy being very good at both glans and g-spot stimulation.)

@13 "Homegirl can look over her shoulder, he's right there."
Do you REALLY not see how looking over your shoulder at a guy is not as intimate as staring into his face which is three inches away?
I say this as a girl whose favorite position is doggy style, but it's definitely much less intimate. If intimacy were a big part of enjoying sex (it's not for me) I can see how that would be a major flaw.
Not saying she shouldn't try it. Just saying telling her to "look over her shoulder" isn't going to help.

On the question of doggie style, seems worth talking about a bit more, to see how to approach getting her more comfortable with it.

They could try having her come on all fours, from oral or fingering or vibrator... Then they could add a dildo or his fingers penetrating her, while he's under her to provide face-to-face intimacy.

They could also experiment with other rear-entry positions: spooning, or her lying flat on her stomach, or bent over a chair, or facing a standing mirror...

Geez, maybe Randy's girlfriend doesn't want to expose herself to STDs before she is sure of Randy's STD status. They have only been together a few months after all. I am surprised Dan did not bring this up. And maybe when she feels more secure in the relationship, she might feel more comfortable with doggy style. She probably feels objectified because she is young, maybe inexperienced, and this position offers less intimacy. When I was young I thought this way. Now it's my favorite position.
And speaking of stds, I hope BLOW isn't blowing without a condom on first dates.

Suggestion for RANDY's girlfriend: At the moment you pull him out of your mouth, switch to a full-on handjob. That ought to make his happy ending a good deal happier.

I can understand why he'd be disappointed if she just pulled away and stopped to watch. Following through when the fireworks start is what makes the difference between a good orgasm and a fantastic one.

As for BLOW, I'm a fan of first-date blow jobs too, but if that's all you know how to do when out with a guy, it might be worth expanding your repertoire.

I'd advise her to go on at least some other kinds of dates, in the middle of the day maybe, or at the zoo with kids around. If the circumstances aren't conducive to blow jobs, then she might get useful information about what is or isn't working about her dating approach.

I am a woman who likes doggy style, because I have realized that FOR ME it works really well. I can also understand how it can seem to be highly objectifying to other women, and if they don't like it for that reason, I totally think they should decline to do it. I also find guys who are TOO into pretty creepy.

I would point out though, that it is a position that puts the tip of the penis in range of most women's G-spots, frequently leaves one hand free for tits or clit, allows the woman control of angle during penetration, and gives her the opportunity to score some light nipple sensation off the bed sheets, if she wants that.

Doggy style CAN be degrading, but I do not believe it to be inherently so.

And I like the taste of come, preferably with a wine chaser. But no one should either taste or swallow if they don't want to.

"when I bring them up, it turns into a touchy discussion." They've been dating THREE months. He's hounding her to do something she's uncomfortable with. That's not how you help someone get over his/her hangups. If it were longer and he'd let it go for at least a month at a time, that would be one thing, but my guess is he's "only" mentioning it every week or so. Don't worry, guy, just keep it up and she won't be your problem anymore.

You goofed in your reply to WTT. Instead of getting information from sex-shop owners, why didn't you get information from a mental health expert? We're talking about a 14-year-old who is emotionally fragile as she struggles through the years of defining self and understanding her own sexuality! Here's what you should've told WTT: "Back off. See a therapist. Get a boyfriend. Get a hobby. MYOB, Auntie."

EE, LMSW

Am I the only one looking at that last response letter and saying "WTF? A 14-year-old girl has natural curiosity about sex, including practical questions, and your first response is to tell her to see a therapist? Wow! Sex-negative much? It's not mental illness, it's called being 14, going through puberty and having a bunch of completely understandable questions! If she didn't solicit or wouldn't appreciate her aunt's advice, that's one thing (though the original LW sure made it sound like the niece sought her out). But jeez Louise, there are plenty of books and websites to refer her to before jumping to therapy.

But no one else said anything, so I have to wonder, is it just me?

@RANDY:

Dude, if you're 3 months into a relationship and you're not still giving it all ya got to impress the other person, then:

1) Becoming "more comfortable" later on will not fix things. You're at the most passionate point in any relationship.

2) You're just not into that person.

And I say this, having married a woman who at the beginning of our relationship just wouldn't even have sex with the lights on. It took me breaking up with her to drop her silly inhibitions.

But I don't think this girl will *ever* be into swallowing or doggy style. And you're probably looking for someone who's really *into* those things, not someone who's up for taking one for the team.

Excellent advice to RANDY, Dan!
I never liked the taste or texture of come in my mouth, either.
I guess it was because the guys I sucked off did have a tendency
to ram it down my throat.

@32: Dude, he's telling the aunt to seek therapy for the issues she still has with sex when growing up. Said 14 year old did not write the letter.

Am I the only one who thinks the comment "degrading to women" is far more important than swallowing? Dan obviously feels that swallowing is the Sole Issue, and once that's worked out, everything else falls into place.

I call bullshit, Dan. I don't do that very often, but I think you're a little skewed in your perspective.

Projecting issues of sexism onto a sexual position is a practice for the Moral Police. It is a clear sign that said person has issues over their sexuality. Issues like guilt, shame, disgust, what have you. If she's all that, RANDY, then tell her to drop the Dworkin literature and get herself to a therapist.

And also, back the fuck off in bed. Pressure will only increase the distance between you two. If by doing so, you discover she's not all that? DTMFA.

@BLOW:

The majority of guys like blowjobs more than they like relationships. If they can get the former without bothering with the latter, then they will.

The question is, if you like giving blowjobs, why is this a problem? You can certainly stop giving blowjobs unless it's with someone you're in a relationship with, but it isn't going to get you any more relationships and is going to get you less blowjob-giving opportunities.

@11: I get the impression you have not eaten much vagina. Most of the time, you are going to get quite a bit of fluid in your mouth, not to mention all over your face.

@26: STDs are not a reason to not allow come-in-mouth. The chances of oral transmission of STDs is small, and if you're worried about it, the correct solution is a condom. If she's willing to put an uncovered penis in her mouth, where the cum goes after that has a tiny impact on STD risks.

I was all for the sex positive Aunt who wanted to make sure her niece was educated and so forth. Sure, you have to be careful how you approach it, but today's sex ed is so inadequate, it's well needed.

And offering (over giving), a sex toy is a great idea. "Hey look, the opportunity to safely experiment with your sexuality at your leisure!"

"Or not, up to you!"

I actually was all for the sex positive aunt who wanted to make sure her niece was educated and so forth. Lord knows that today's sex ed is wholly inadequate. You just need to make sure you approach it right.

And offering teenage girls (note: not thrusting upon them), their own sex toy is a great idea. "Hey look, here's your opportunity to safely explore your sexuality at your leisure."

"Or not. Up to you!"

Re: Doggy style and degradation:

If your first intro to doggy style sex is porn like the bang bro's, then yes, it is wholly motherfucking degrading. Even the name is obnoxious. Tack on the absolute dorks who make doggy style jokes and that's a recipe for never EVAH wanting to try it. I felt similarly for years.

Then I tried it with someone who I liked, he liked me, and...it was fun :) What pissed me off was all the degrading culture around "doggy style" and to #1 who said was "psuedo-feminist bullshit", nope, not really. It really is a turn off to have nerds feel like they can "dominate" you because you're female.

The swallowing thing? Totally agree with the woman -- it's her preference. And again, doggy & swallowing are used as tools of domination in movies, music, a lot of shizz. It's not the act, but the attitude that surrounds it. They aren't EXCLUSIVE to domination, but check out porn, listen to the way some guys talk about it -- if that's what she's been around or if that how this dude acts, can totally see why both would be a turn off.

Hopefully, she'll give it a shot to make you happy, but if not, just close your eyes and pretend. :)

Pardon the double post above --

I also doubt Auntie needs therapy. C'mon... it's normal for people to be motivated by their past to help. Just as MYOBAS was motivated by her past to slam her.

@12 - perfect advice!

I'm gay, don't care all that much about receiving blowjobs (never come) and definitely do not care to swallow. Cannot stand the taste of the stuff, either mine or his, and it doesn't matter how rev'd up I might be at the time.
HOWEVER, pulling my mouth off a coming dick and letting it jiz on its own is just plain rude! You keep the dick in your mouth until it's done. You don't have to swallow- just let the stuff fall out of your mouth, spit it in his, or spit into a rag. Moving further off the dick, so only your lips are on the head can help the gagging during the coming process, too.
Anything less is indeed a crappy blowjob. RANDY's girl has sex issues from his description, at the very least they have incompatible sex drives. RANDY- DTMFA and find a nice sex-positive woman to give your emotions to.

RANDY: Try a spooning position first. Much more intimate and very very similar.

For BLOW-- One way to think about feminism is that straight feminist women know what they like in the sexual realm and seek men who enjoy that with them. If you look at it that way, then you like giving blowjobs, and are baffled as to why men who like getting blowjobs don't like to keep getting blowjobs from you. It's easy to put the blame on the men.

Now reframe it. Feminist women think about what they want and the best way to get it. In this case, what you want is changing. You're thinking you'd like more of a long term relationship with a man you have more in common with than just blowjobs. Great! How do you get it? Your previous strategy doesn't seem to be working, and you're on the right track when you wonder if you're jumping into blowjobs a little too soon.

Do NOT think that "making the guy wait" is manipulative games playing or playing hard to get. It's more like showing yourself to be thoughtful, intelligent, patient, and capable of weighing pros and cons. These are attractive qualities. Just as you don't jump at the first job you can get and instead go to lots of interviews and consider many offers, you wait.

Specifics. First, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th dates are about getting to know each other in a variety of settings: dinner, movie, party, dancing, picnic, lecture, sports activity like tennis or swimming. This gives you a chance to observe how your applicant interacts with other people, how he treats waiters, how he moves, how he responds to externals, what he has to talk about. It's fine if you initiate some of the get-togethers by extending an invitation, not fine if you badger him by extending several invitations in a row after he's refused one. Asking over and over doesn't make him feel wanted. It makes him feel badgered, like you're not getting it when he says he needs to work or honor a previous commitment.

After a first kiss, think about whether you'd like a 2nd. This is an important decision, so give it some time. Then proceed like this. By all means show enthusiasm when you enjoy something (like blowjobs), but do not give him the idea that you're needy.

I know that I'm likely to take some flack with this post because someone will accuse me of recommending The Rules. (I've heard of it, never read it.) Honest, I'm not suggesting manipulation or dishonesty. I'm seeing this as moving towards something that you say want without taking advantage of anyone.

@21
Interesting!

@avast

Sure but I'm not basing my statements off one person though. When I was a teenager I definitely went through a variety. I found that "meh, tastes like not much of anything, or maybe just salty" was WAY more common than "ew, what the fuck is that", which I found was pretty rare.

As for doggy style and the whole intimacy thing... first of all - people still change positions when they have sex, right? Like I can understand her not wanting that to be the only way she has sex but a little doggy between positions isn't going to magically turn that experience into some sort of cold, detached disappointment. Especially if she's never tried it, she might find that it's so pleasurable it's worth the fact that she's not staring at him. Also - though someone might correct me again by saying that this is a flexibility issue - doggie can incorporate kissing if he wants to come down for a minute or if she wants to pop up off her hands. It's actually a lot of fun.

@23

Is it 'as intimate'? No. I just wanted to point out that doggie does not preclude eye contact. But I also don't like to use physical intimacy as a surrogate for emotional intimacy so I don't really get why some people are hung up on how intimate x or y position is. It's like god forbid you sacrifice a modicum of physical proximity to your partner for five or ten minutes during sex so that they can have an experience they really enjoy. I would say that a partner who is unconcerned with your pleasure and satisfaction kind of saps the intimacy out of a relationship - some people like feeling that their partner cares about their needs.

@26

As someone mentioned before, she's blowing him without a condom (thus exposing herself to STIs). Pre-ejaculate carries syphilis, gonorrhea, and I'm pretty sure HIV as well. Also, the skin of the penis can transmit herpes and/or HPV. Sooo I'm going to guess that's not the reason (and if it is, she needs to bone up on her sex ed).

@45. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
@ Everyone else. Thank you, I enjoyed everyone's viewpoints.

Savage Love is so wonderful.

Thanks as always!

I'm just over the whole "demeaning to women" defense of not liking certain sex acts- yeah, they are "demeaning" in that they play with the power dynamic in your relationship. And that's why guys get off on them and if your relationship is otherwise equal and healthy, your sex is going to get STALE as fuck if you can't play with those dynamics a little bit. That shit is engrained in our DNA as animals- most creatures are either submission or dominance seeking when it comes to sex. And doggy style IS animalistic and that's why it's hot, she needs to take the stick out of her ass and stop buying this bullshit that there is something demeaning int he bedroom has anything to do with being demeaned in real life (it can, of course, be related if your fucking a terrible person who doesn't care about you in or out of bed.)

for me, both taking come in my mouth and doggystyle are not degrading but I do see how it can feel that way for others.
I dislike the taste of male come (it was too salty for me in all the different cases I tried - since I eat almost saltless in normal life, too salty is a problem)and since the tastebuds are in my mouth, I rarely let my partner come into my mouth.
The other thing is with blowjobs and doggystyle I experienced having less control since my partner can't see my face to read expression or see my nonverbal hints and I'm really bad in saying stop during sex (I gag easily and doggystyle is sometimes painful to me for some reason and I have some issues with control so I usually "turn off" my brain which leaves me unable to formulate appropriate words in English). I still do - and like doing - both sex acts from time to time but it took me more than 3 months to do that and it took a partner who didn't expect me to do it and who didn't bug me about it. So if LW1 can't be patient or can't stand the idea of not getting those things often he should just dump her to give both of them the chance of finding someone compatible.

If RANDY wants to demonstrate to his gf that doggy-style is not degrading or objectifying to women, all he has to do is show her some vids from seancody.com!

In defense of the chick who won't do doggie and/or swallow cum (my two favorite things, ironically)...when I met my now fiance, I was pretty vanilla in the bedroom and wasn't comfortable doing certain things he requested and loved (he was a LOT more experienced than me). It took me about a year to get into it, and I'll do just about anything now. GETTING COMFORTABLE is a legit excuse! Having a patient partner who works slowly with you and understands and appreciates the sex you DO give is invaluable.

In defense of the girl who won't swallow cum/do doggie (two of my favorite things, ironically): when I first met my now fiance, I was pretty inexperienced and vanilla in the bedroom. I was pretty obstinate against a lot of things he requested (he was a LOT more experienced than me). It took me a year to really come out of my shell, and I'll do just about anything now. GETTING COMFORTABLE is a legit excuse. Having a loving partner who understands, is willing to take things slow, is patient, and appreciates the sex you DO have is invaluable...and well worth the wait!

Ok, where to start with the first letter?

1) He's nagging her and pressuring her. Neither nagging nor pressuring are sexy behaviors. I don't know what RANDY means by saying that when he brings up the issues of the two things he likes most and isn't getting "it turns into a touchy discussion." How so? Does the girlfriend just cry or bring up her past boyfriend? Does RANDY get all accusatory? It's difficult to know.

2) I truly don't get this "doggie style is demeaning" thing. I don't watch porn--is that where it comes from? I also don't use the phrase "doggy style," as I don't like it (I just say, "from behind"). Maybe that's what she finds demeaning: the suggestion that they are having sex like animals, with no human emotion (I rather like to feel like an animal, but I understand other people's dislike of it). I wonder if it would feel demeaning to her if he talked to her through out, and said affectionate, humanizing things. Maybe he can't do this in the moment, but he could beforehand and afterward.

Maybe RANDY could explain to her what it is he likes so much about that position. Is it access to her clit for either him or herself? Is it the angle of penetration? Is it the view? If she is assured that his preference isn't because he finds the thought or sight of the position demeaning, she might feel better.

3) A blowjob to completion should end in the blower's mouth. The blower can decide to spit out the semen, but I've known several men whose orgasms often can last longer than ejaculation, and if I continue to suck softly (with much less intense suction/pressure), I can prolong the orgasm for the recipient. Sometimes I like to redirect the orgasm, so it ends in a facial or in his coming on my breasts, but that's because one of us wants that to happen, not because I DON'T want him to come in my mouth. If RANDY's gf doesn't like him to come in her mouth, and he doesn't like to come on his own chest or into the air, they need to be able to talk about this. Does she get freaked out at the loss of control he has right beforehand? Many guys start thrusting harder and more deeply and it can be scary if you don't want that kind of experience. Their loss of control results in a loss of control for the person giving the blowjob, too, a loss of control of the pacing, depth, intensity, etc. That can be frightening.

This isn't a spit-or-swallow issue. I agree that if someone doesn't like the taste or consistency of semen s/he shouldn't be expected to swallow, but holding semen in your mouth for a moment isn't the same thing (have a glass of something close at hand to remove the taste if that helps).

3) The phrase "Take one for the Team" just really bothers me when it comes to sex. I understand the GGG aspects of it, but I don't want a partner doing something I sense he really doesn't want to do for its own sake--because he likes it or wants it. It's not sexy to me to have someone project the attitude of "This disgusts me/turns me off/leaves me cold, but I'll make the sacrifice for you because I love you/want to be a good lover/want to use it as a bargaining chip towards getting something I want that I don't think you want to do later."
I once asked a friend what his reason was for going down on a woman. He answered "to make her feel good," and I said that for me, that wasn't the right answer. I want a guy to eat my pussy because at that very moment, that's the thing he wants most in the world to do FOR HIM. That is what makes it hot for me.

If I feel like he's checking in thinking or saying, "how's this? Is this right? Is this good? Is this what you want?", I'm going to feel pressured to hurry up and come, especially as that attitude often seems to be coupled with a feeling of "I need to get your orgasm out of the way so I can get to what really matters to me."

So I'd rather not have anyone do me any favors; I'd prefer no one 'take one for the team.' Do things because YOU are driven by desire.

For centuries, men have been demanding their husbandly "dues" from their wives, and doing it missionary-style, because other positions were too savage or sexual or whatever. It seems like if any position's "degrading," it's good old missionary.

GF is more than entitled to her comfort zone, but she should be open to the idea that at its core, it's really how your partner treats you that is degrading or loving, beyond any larger cultural context. I mean, does she not acknowledge that blowjobs can be seen as demeaning? Or that in some circles and cultures, it's demeaning for a man to go down on a woman?

@62 (Gloria): YES!!

Maybe she can compromise by taking it in her mouth but not swallowing.

For me that's far worse. If I could manage to not gag I would rather swallow than spit, because that would mean less of the taste. Also, spitting triggers my "this is gross and gaggy" response even more, which seems humiliating to both parties. Very far from how I want to end a sex act.

Incidentally, I've never thought of doggy style as demeaning (except that damn name, which is stupid). But I find less I can do in that position, so I have to work a bit at staying involved. That's really more what I meant about intimacy, not being able to respond to your partner as easily because you're not holding and touching them. A lot of things that are very easy face-to-face just don't work. (GermanGirl is exactly right about even the nonverbal communication being less.) On the other hand, for the man there's a lot to like about the position right from the get-go, so he's not necessarily going to see why the woman might say it needs some adjustment before it's going to be much good for her.

grom@33: 1) Becoming "more comfortable" later on will not fix things. You're at the most passionate point in any relationship.

As someone who's been married 20 years now -- thank GOD you're wrong, about us anyway. Three months in we didn't know shit.

It seems to me that there is no sex act--not a single one--that is *inherently* demeaning. And there is no sex act that can't be turned into a demeaning act. Everything is dependent on context.

So this is the real meaning of being sexually compatible: find someone who wants from sex what you want from it. Your desires, the way you frame each act, the meaning you attach to it, should mesh, should complement each other (or at least over 90% of the time).

Some people get off on being demeaned. They should be with people who like to demean their partners through sex; some people like to be worshiped, and some like to worship; some like completely equitable sex and should be with others who are like-minded.

This, this attitude or contextualization, far more than any one particular act, is what, for me, constitutes sexual compatibility.

Sometimes people who initially seem incompatible in regards to a particular act can figure out a way to align their contexts. This, of course, requires communication, which often seems to be the hardest thing for people.

I had an ex girlfriend who pulled the "feel more comfortable" bullshit whenI told her upfront I wanted an open relationship with a bisexual girl.

Took two years before she finally admitted that that wasn't what she wanted. By then I was emotionally invested and tried to make it work but it ultimately failed.

The kicker here? At one time she was the girlfriend of a prior girlfriend and I. Unfortunately, she wasn't honest from the very beginning and it caused a lot of heartache.

Bottom line: The cake and "feel more comfortable" are a lie.

@41: It's pseudo-feminist bullshit to refuse to ever do it, ever, even with someone she likes and trusts, because it is deemed to be "objectifying to women."

If that's the criterion you use to run your life -- that you refuse to do a particular activity because there is some number of assholes out there in the world abusing that particular activity, and it doesn't matter that your partner isn't one of them -- you are going to find yourself awfully constrained in your choices. Pretty much anything you can think of doing, there is going to be someone out there abusing it, and sex positions are particularly bad in this respect. As someone mentioned up-thread, even missionary can be objectifying, and certainly blowjobs can be seen that way. Why does she play the "it's objectifying to women" card on doggy but not on BJ's?

Believe it or not, you and I are approximately in agreement. I base this on your statements,

"It's not the act, but the attitude that surrounds it."
and
"Then I tried it with someone who I liked, he liked me, and...it was fun :)"

nocutename@66: Your desires, the way you frame each act, the meaning you attach to it, should mesh, should complement each other (or at least over 90% of the time).

Yikes. I agree with most of your comment, and I'm all for compatibility, but even the MEANING you attach to each act? Why isn't it enough if both of you LIKE it? Does it have to be for anything like the same reason?

Heck, there are probably things I like because of associations with a bad novel I don't remember that I read when I was ten. Who cares? What matters is I like it NOW.

Another thing to consider in the RANDY "she is not swallowing my come" situation: Is he a jerk? I mean, how is he approaching her? With some macho entitlement tone? How does he treat her outside of the bedroom? I don't know--there are many ways to read a tone-- but I was imagining a dick tone to his email, and in the name of pleasing and being GGG he might be guilt tripping her or kind of bullying someone who has real fears and misgivings. Maybe, anyway. It's not all about the act, but also about the power dynamic out of the bedroom. Could be, anyway.
As to swallowing. My boyfriend claims I give the best blowjobs he has ever had, but I can't take him coming in the mouth. It tastes awful and there is gagging. Yet he gets off splendidly and said he wouldn't trade my technique for that extra credit. And I'm not squeamish--I rim, and role play, I do all positions and I switch with him top and bottom. But that is just one thing I can't do. I'm a little amazed at some of the comments above--guys who don't feel it's satisfying to come in the air. I don't know--I picture some overly macho entitled proclamations. Talk about it a little differently and I might picture the situation a little differently.

nocute @61, I think there's a necessary balance regarding "Taking one for the team."

At any moment in sexual relations between two people, the particular activity is likely to be more sexually stimulating for one of them than for the other. Let's call the person for whom things are currently more stimulating the "focal point." I think in a satisfying relationship, each person has to be roughly as willing to be the focal point. Because people like giving sexual pleasure. People like NOT being the focal point. So they have to tolerate (!) being the focal point, in order to give their partner the joy of pleasing them.

When you say: "I'd rather not have anyone do me any favors," to me, that sounds selfish. In that perspective, by refusing to be the focal point, you would be refusing your partner the joy of pleasing you. It's like refusing gifts on your birthday.

Owning your own sexual desire is hot. Telling someone what you want right now, and then being willing to be the focal point as your partner gives you want you want -- that's hot.

Insisting that the other person only do what turns him on -- that seems limiting.

There's a certain amount of "fake it till you make it" which is helpful in this process. Maybe I'm a little weirded out by pegging my guy, but I enjoy pleasing him, and over time, as I develop my skills and figure out how to move my body during pegging for my own pleasure, the activity becomes something we both love. But it's fine to play-act a little more desire than one really feels, in the goal of making your partner the focal point. And vice-versa, of course.

(Nocute, please don't take 71 as criticism of your actual sexual choices. I was just interested in discussing the point you were making @61.)

When a guy goes down on a girl, he normally gets loads and loads of vaginal secretions in his mouth. A woman can tolerate a tablespoon of semen.

#73, your girlfriend may have a yeast infection.

@71/72 (EricaP):
I see what you're saying and I agree with it. But when sex is accompanied by a sense of "I'm just doing this for you" I can't enjoy it. I need to feel as if my partner is enjoying whatever he's doing for his own sake, as well, to enjoy it myself. My feedback loop, or what I call the symbiotic sense of sex depends on knowing that whatever he's doing to or with my body is turning my partner on in a more than just wanting to be accommodating way.

I don't mean that we should never try things for the sake of our partner. Your pegging experience/example is an excellent argument for being sexually generous with those we love yielding high returns. I've added a lot of tricks to my sexual repertoire over the years, all instigated at the request or to accommodate the desires of someone I wanted to please, that are now part of what I like, part of my own package. But I don't want a long-suffering pussy-eating.

@69 (Eirene): Of course sometimes (or all the time) we just enjoy the sensations of a particular act.

But I was talking about approaches to sex.
I get a lot more out of sex if my partner and I share a similar approach and attitude towards sex in general, in our roles relative to each other during sex, etc. That attitude spills over to everything, for me. I am perfectly capable of just enjoying a sensation. But *I* get more out of it if my brain is engaged.

@76 "I need to feel as if my partner is enjoying whatever he's doing for his own sake, as well, to enjoy it myself."

Sure, but I think that we owe it to our sex partners to not push too hard on the evidence that they're loving the act.

I love giving blow jobs. But sometimes I get tired before he's done. At that point, I don't say: "Hey, could you finish already, my neck is sore." But I'm glad he doesn't ask neurotically "Are you still enjoying this, honey?" He accepts my vocal enthusiasm at face value and doesn't give me the third degree. And when he goes down on me, I don't pester him to see if he's still erect the whole time. I do alternate a vibe with the pussy-eating, so I can come faster and worry less about his neck getting sore.

@78: I was going on "She says she wants to get more comfortable and try these things." If that's not true, well, fine, but she should SAY so (I said that, too).

Also, if she has made her decisions, there's really no advice to give, so all of our advice is geared toward the hypothetical girlfriend who HASN'T made any permanent decisions, instead of the one you're hypothesizing, who has (and for whom there is less textual evidence).

In any case, it's extremely common to have conflicting feelings about sexual acts, and generally good for a relationship, sexually and otherwise, to figure out exactly what it is that isn't working for you and whether it can be fixed within the relationship or not. That's kind of the whole point of Dan's column, no?

EricaP: I am perfectly capable of just enjoying a sensation. But *I* get more out of it if my brain is engaged.

Oh, sure, I get that. But whatever it is that engages my brain doesn't always have to be the same place my husband's mind is going, and vice versa. I can see how it might be fun if you happened to have the same associations with a particular act, but mostly that doesn't happen.

TO: Really Anxious Not Doing Yearnings,

Interesting, Smart, Attractive women without all that drama exist.

Quoth 70:

I'm a little amazed at some of the comments above--guys who don't feel it's satisfying to come in the air. I don't know--I picture some overly macho entitled proclamations. Talk about it a little differently and I might picture the situation a little differently.

Stopping the blowjob at that point also stops the stimulation to the head of the penis. At least for me, tongue or lips on the head at the end of a blowjob both deepen and prolong the orgasm. It's just not the same without it.

An analogy for gals might be clitoral stimulation. I think most women might feel put out if her lover stopped playing with her clit the moment she started to come. Yes, she'd probably still have an orgasm, but it wouldn't be as satisfying.

@81 not me, that should be nocutename @77.

@84: sorry about that, EricaP and nocutename. I was going back and forth between a couple of comments I was thinking about, and then jumped the wrong way at the last moment.

@83: I think most women might feel put out if her lover stopped playing with her clit the moment she started to come.

Actually I'm almost the opposite -- once I'm coming, it's hold-still-fer-gawdsake-don't-fiddle-any-more. It's probably one of the reasons I don't do vibrators.

@87:
I agree on the "bleachy bouquet".

You are probably right on her excitation:
http://www.plosone.org/article/info%3Ado…

@88 fascinating article - thanks for posting.

LW1 didn't really mention the past sexual experiences of his new girlfriend- I think it is quite possible that she is simply young and inexperienced. Some of the comments to the effect of "people never get more comfortable" are pretty bleak! Good thing that's not what happened to me!

When I met my husband, I was a virgin because I had very low self-esteem and had simply not had the opportunity to have sex. He made me feel good about myself, and for the first few months the sex we had was very vanilla (missionary and blowjobs)- I was irrationally afraid that I might taste bad so I didn't want him to go down on me (wasn't true!), I was scared to be on top, I was scared of doggy-style (LW1's gf saying it's degrading to women could be an excuse). He was very understanding and gentle and knew when to ask and when not to push me, etc. A couple months later we were having awesome sex in all sorts of positions and now, 4 years later, we still have all kinds of awesome sex and it turns out that I am actually the kinkier of the two of us. So I guess what I am saying is, I think LW1 is probably in the best position to evaluate where his gf's objections are coming from, and if they are coming from youth or inexperience, I say to give the girl a chance to get comfortable and build trust with him.

In regards to swallowing come- it doesn't taste great. To me it mostly tastes like salt with a hint of chlorinated pool water, and the warm temperature makes it somewhat gag-worthy if it stays in my mouth too long. So in order to make it more pleasant for myself I swallow ASAP. I can definitely see how some people could gag and find it really unpleasant, so I can't blame them for not wanting to swallow. The way I see it though, it's only in my mouth for a second or two and it's worth seeing my partner's orgasm through to the end in the most complete way possible.

@87 - Yes, bleachy bouquet is the perfect description. And good lord, no sushi for lunch on date night...

I'd also like to agree on "People do learn to enjoy new things". Of course, you have to have a bit of an open mind on that. I was never all that into oral because I never got anything out of it, and I'm a bit of a selfish lover that way. But with my current partner, within moments of burying his head between my legs he made me come so explosively that I'm eager to go down on him as well.

If RANDY proves to his partner that he wants to make her happy and satisfied, then maybe she'd be willing to try and make him happy as well. Instead, he's being pushy and she's pushing back. And for those claiming "pseudo-feminism", you can just shut the fuck up. If she doesn't want to do something, she doesn't have to do it. Period. Whether she's justifying her refusal as it being degrading or whether she just doesn't like it, it doesn't matter. Of course, if she does refuse, and it is a dealbreaker for him, then he's free to walk away. That's his decision to make.

RANDY-- To get your girlfriend comfortable with doggie style (assuming she wants to become comfortable with doggie style), don't just bring up the subject when she's not turned on and expect her to warm to the idea. If your girlfriend is anything like me, ALL sex is a little unappealing when I'm not turned on. Things change dramatically when I am.

Instead, enter her face to face. Pump for a moment or even longer. Then lift one of legs until it is quite bent, knee towards her face. Keep pumping. Then while she's still there facing you and into it, move that knee towards the other side. You're now behind her. That's an awkward move, and you might slide out, but re-enter her. She's now face down. Pump some more. Then carefully, lovingly, put an arm under her hips and lift them up until she's on her knees and doggie style.

Naturally, you don't force any of this. The idea is that she should like it. Be aware that she might not. I find the sensations of doggie style to be different from anything face to face. For one thing, his penis is rubbing against my urethra more directly. I'm more likely to get a urinary tract infection that way, more likely to be sore. All that has nothing to do with symbolism that I attach to sex. I don't find anything about sex to be inherently demeaning. (It can be demeaning depending on the guy and the circumstances, but that's another story.)

Also, a good way to help anyone get into anything that they hadn't previously liked is to stress how turned on you are. So if she objects while you're turning her over, naturally you should stop, but if she doesn't object, keep telling her verbally how much you love it, how much you love her, how great it is. Remember that she won't be able to see your face once you're behind her so you may need to be extra explicit.

(I don't like come in my mouth either, so I agree with Dan on that one.)

OK, someone else above said that marijuana doesn't affect the taste of semen. BUT, one morning, after my boyfriend had been out partying with friends and I had been home not partaking in anything, I gave him a blowjob. Hand to god, even his pre-come had such a strong taste of weed that I had a hard time not gagging a little bit.

Has anyone else experienced this? It was hilarious. Confirmation bias didn't play a part, because I didn't know he'd smoked the night before.

@ cocky

Having a guy come on his tummy is not safe sex! I mentioned this earlier (as did another poster) but it bears repeating because a poor understanding of STI transmission hurts us all. -_-

she's blowing him without a condom (thus exposing herself to STIs). Pre-ejaculate carries syphilis, gonorrhea, and I'm pretty sure HIV as well. Also, the skin of the penis can transmit herpes and/or HPV.

@93

Oh I didn't say it didn't affect the taste, I said it didn't make it taste bad. But I actually like the taste of marijuana (too bad the high is fucking terrible). I also can't say I've ever noticed a marijuana taste in semen either. Oh well.

BLOW-- I answered earlier, but thought of a more succinct way to phrase it: If you want to give blowjobs, give blowjobs, but then don't complain that you're looking for a long term relationship. The men have no way of knowing that's what you want. If you want a long term relationship, then do what's necessary to move towards a long term relationship. That includes not giving blowjobs too soon. In that sense, your straight female friends are right, you should wait until you've found out more about the guy to make sure he's ltr material. I don't like their phrasing about making a guy earn blowjobs because that sounds like you've put prostitute into your job description, but they are right about putting any sort of sexual contact off until a bit later. Think of it as adding variety to your dating life. Variety #1 is dating with no sexual contact until you've gotten to each other well. Variety #2 is letting him take the lead by learning how to pleasure you. Only later do you get to variety #3 which is giving him the blowjob.

As a woman who loves blow jobs and has also been with women, semen and vaginal secretions are not the same. I think most people comparing them don't have enough experience with both genders to actually make the comparison.

Apples and oranges are both fruit, yes, but the experience is totally different.

If you are making the comparison, please state clearly if you have more than passing experience with both genders. Only bisexuals with experience really know. Tasting your own come is not enough. Insufficient data.

I really wonder how many of the men who say taking semen even if you dislike it is "no big deal" have actually tasted semen. If it's no big deal, then you need to do it yourself. Let her snowball you.

If you say no to that, ask yourself why. Then maybe you'll understand where this woman is coming from.

I don't agree and I do swallow, but she's not crazy or anti sex for that.

I agree with 91.

No sex position is inherently objectifying, but if RANDY's girlfriend feels that way, guess what, no amount of logical explanations will change that. It's just a preference, a visceral reaction, more likely conditioned by porn than honest-to-goodness exposure of feminism (of the pseudo kind or not). The fact that she seems willing to experiment and overcome her dislike of it shows that in fact she is aware her hangup is irrational.

As for the blowjob thing, even as a woman I can understand it might seem a bit distasteful to not only refuse to let him come in her mouth and swallow, but to, um, point it back on his stomach. I'm too lazy to read if anyone else has mentioned this, but maybe they could try letting him come on her body (or face). Perhaps to her it might seem objectifying, but if that's an issue she's more willing to work through than her distaste of semen, it might be a good compromise if he finds that hot.

shurenka@88: I can understand it might seem a bit distasteful to not only refuse to let him come in her mouth and swallow, but to, um, point it back on his stomach.

Huh? I don't get what's odd about that. I was picturing him being in a position where if she takes her mouth away, that's just how it works, same as if he were masturbating at the same angle. What's distasteful about the specific on-his-stomach part?

I think when people say it's degrading to women they mean this because it reduces the position of the woman to nothing but a well positioned hole for him to enter, since often they aren't touching her in any way but that, maybe with hands on her ass, and he can't see her face or anything so she could be yk, anyone. I don't see it like that, but some women do I know.

As for taste... I've had a large sample from both genders... and pussy juice is in no way shape or form comparable to semen at all, tho both have their dinstinctness and slight unpleasantness. But I have to admit I have never, ever tasted sperm from even the most pure living vegan who never ate asparagus and gorged on pinapple that was anything better than gross at best. And it's not the psychological issue for me at all, it is all out the sea water and snot taste/texture combo, to varying degrees depending on the dude and his diet. It might taste like very weak/liquidy snot/seawater but in the end, that's what it tastes like to me.

I am luckily married to a man who has no issue about not coming in the mouth, nor does he consider it an inferior BJ. In fact he rather prefers extensive handjobs with massage oil. Let me add I'm extremely creative with the handjobs, it's more like an hour long massage, not just yk, jerking him off.

@ cocky

I guess, but the difference seems pretty trivial to me, and it seems like the whole "pulling out means STI transmission doesn't happen" misconception seems common.

Crinoline@96: do what's necessary to move towards a long term relationship. That includes not giving blowjobs too soon.

Whyever not? After all, the LW wants someone who likes HER, the way she is -- not a guy who would be totally shocked that she's given X number of men a blowjob on the first date. And why is this even about blowjobs specifically, rather than sex in general? (that's more about how the LW framed the question, not your answer). I've heard of blowjobs being considered LESS serious than intercourse, but not more so -- at least not since they got to be a standard, er, menu item.