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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
*scurries to wikipedia*
This was in my lifetime! How did I not hear about it? I legit thought those wacky Southern states still had sodomy laws. Belated congrats, Americans.
If I went on a first date with 100 women, I would probably have a spark with about 10-20 of them to want to see them again. Pretty normal. Out of the same 100, I would find about 85 attractive enough that if they wanted to blow me I would be thrilled with it.
There are always going to be way more men interested in sex with you than interested in a relationship. I am sure there are some sex negative guys who discount your potential because they think you are easy, but I don't think that is what is happening most of the time.
Bingo. P.S. a guy doesn't have to be a self-identified feminist to be sex-positive. Just sayin'.
As a straight guy, some things that go through my head when a woman wants to hop into bed quickly:
- Does she respect me as a person, or just see me as a convenient penis?
- Will she respect herself tomorrow?
- Why the rush? Is she planning on "Wham, bang, thank you man"?
- What if anything is she after besides sex?
Notice that most of these questions are similar to what some straight women think about guys who are trying to hop into bed quickly too. That doesn't mean I necessarily say no, but it does get me wondering.
Your boyfriend isn't trying to guilt you into letting him ass-fuck you. He's simply hinting that he'd like you to play with his ass.
Men's asses have something like a bajillion nerve endings. For a lot of guys, getting pegged, rimmed, or butt-plugged is highly pleasurable in and of itself.
My suggestion - soap his ass up in the shower sometime and then surprise him with a generous rim job. Do that and I guarantee he's yours forever. You might even find yourself turned on by doing something so transgressive.
Sounds like you just read that in 2003 all individual state sodomy laws were overruled by national law, achieving all at once what it would have been really expensive and annoying to do individually. But alas, they didn't get the blue laws. I could not drink at my family reunion. >.<
I believe also there are a few remaining states where "consensual battery" is a bit of a touchy subject legally.
So, whatever meaning a guy assigns to this, his first thought is that she's acting very different from pretty much every woman he's met. Unusual behavior is often perceived as a red flag, by women and men alike.
I'll add that if an intense need to suck dick was the norm among women, BLOW wouldn't have the problems she's having. Women play as least as big a role in perpetuating madonna/whore bullshit as men.
If he wants to do something TO YOU (whether it's anal, tickling, or painting you with chocolate syrup), then he should be willing to have it done to him first, a) as a sort of gesture of good faith, b) so that he knows what the stakes are, and c) he has a better idea of how what he is doing TO YOU feels (i.e, whether it is in fact enjoyable or whether he is likely to hurt you with what he just thought of doing to you.)
If he wants you to do something TO HIM, and you agree to do that to him (i.e., for him), you don't owe him squat in the area of reciprocal access to your nether regions. You already fulfilled a request for him; the debt is, if anything, already incurred on his side, and if there are evensies that need evening-up, now it's your turn to say exactly what you want from him.
There isn't any evidence from the letter that IBS's boyfriend wants access to her anus. He says he will go play by himself if she isn't interested. That means what he wants from her is for her to service his ass, not vice-versa. Unless there is something LW left out of the letter, servicing him isn't going to make him want to "service" her.
Then there is the fact that you get to refuse what you don't want to have done to your body, period. It's your body, not his, period. The fact that IBS has IBS gives her reasons the coloration of medical necessity, and therefore seems somehow of greater moral authority; but the reality is that whatever constitutes A Fetish Too Far is a deeply personal boundary, and your partner violates it at his/her peril. If you find yourself resenting your partner because he/she did something to you that pushes your buttons, that absolutely is a wound in the relationship that will fester over time and ultimately kill it.
Here's what goes through this guy's head when a hot dude/gal wants to hop into bed quickly: do I have some condoms?
(Actually I'd have to check w/ my partner first. I get hit on by dudes way more than by women so actually, if a gal wanted to blow me as soon as we'd gone out for coffee, I'd be like whoa, really?)
@5 has it right -- I meet plenty of people who I'd like to get to "know" biblically but only a subset of these do I really want to get to know. This is not because I'm sex negative and certainly not sexist.
1) "We couldn't have come so far, so fast if Folsom or pride parades were harming our movement." Saying it doesn't make it true. It's very possible that we experience progress despite Folsom.
2) It's no coincidence that things like Folsom are in gay friendly towns. Yes, but you have the causality backwards.
I guess my point at BDSM is that why do things need to be politically relevant to have a fuck ton of value? Can't things just be fun? Or awesome? Does a good time need relevance? If fun is irrelevant, the enemy has already won.
Striking a law from the books is actually such a pain in the butt that irrelevant or outdated laws just sit there, usually. THAT SAID, there are still several states I don't think are yet suitable for the habitation of gay folks.
If he is into his own behind, he will be into hers as well. Her question is well founded, even if a little ahead of the game.
Berlin Folsom Europe coincides often with school start in Berlin. School start for 1st grade is on Saturdays.
I think it is quite sweet when families celebrating their child starting school end up at the same Bratwurst stands as the last stragglers of last night, early starters of Folsom in their leather chaps.
And it teaches both sides tolerance.
But the best part is: somehow this has put me at peace with my ass, or rather intestine, colon and anus which used to be at war with me pretty much every day. I think it may have been a psychological release that something that has given me so much grief now is giving me so much pleasure. I donāt know, But my IBS is( strangely) much better; and thatās to say nothing of my sex life. Mama mia!
Iām not saying it will be the same for anyone else, but for me, this was really a sunshine story.
But the best part is: somehow this has put me at peace with my ass, or rather intestine, colon and anus which used to be at war with me pretty much every day. I think it may have been a psychological release that something that has given me so much grief now is giving me so much pleasure. I donāt know. But my IBS is( strangely) much better; and thatās to say nothing of my sex life. Mama mia!
Iām not saying it will be the same for anyone else, but for me, this was really a sunshine story.
I have no problem with men thinking this way, assuming, of course, that they don't accept the first date blowjob. If they get blown on the first date they can shut the fuck up about "what kind of girls" would do that.
"Here's what goes through this guy's head when a hot dude/gal wants to hop into bed quickly: do I have some condoms?"
True and it sounds like no one is turning BLOW down either, so this much is correct.
But the question is about what happens AFTER blowing a guy too quickly. Like post #10 stated, anything that deviates from the norm is seen as a red flag. So since a quick bj is typically outside the norm, its not understood. In many cases it just might be that the guy then thinks BLOW is only looking for a hookup, to which they will happily oblige.
There's a difference between "not getting" feminism, and choosing not to identify as a feminist. I don't identify as a feminist myself.
It just may be that for them those guys, the relationship gets framed as a merely hookup early on and they have problems breaking out of that mindset.
It's not actually hard to break out of that mindset if you develop emotional chemistry and affection for the person you're fucking, trust.
Honestly, it's not complicated. Dating (with or without blowjobs) typically involves a lot of duds unless you (or the people you go after) have no standards and are desperate to be with someone. Whether or not you give head on the first date, most first dates won't develop into relationships. Homegirl's just reading too much into things because of her frigid friends.
I gave up in 2008, and it was not because of the connotations brought by Rush, but exasperation with explaining that possessing ovaries did not obligate me to vote for all candidates with ovaries.
I agree with 5 et al on the numbers game: the number of men who will accept an enthusiastically offered blowjob is much greater than the number who will feel a spark with BLOW that they want to pursue with more dates. In which case cutting out the first date blowjobs might be a good way for her to better evaluate where both their heads are at--she seems to be mixing up immediate sexual arousal with long-term multi-level sparkage.
"It's not actually hard to break out of that mindset if you develop emotional chemistry and affection for the person you're fucking"
Though, they need to be looking to develop emotional chemistry, and that may not happen if the guy only thinks of the relationship as a hookup. Furthermore, the emotional chemistry could have easily been lacking from BLOW herself. There's certainly nothing virtuous about waiting to give a bj, however, it may force people, that otherwise wouldn't have, to develop the emotional chemistry necessary for a LTR. In that case, it might be an effective for SOME PEOPLE in initiating a LTR.
Though my point was more so that there are other reasons than "harboring contempt" for this predicament.
My first post since Folsom Street Fair! Let me tell ya! I love Folsom, actually, I love most kink oriented events. Why? because at these events I have experiences that show us that we are bigger than us as individuals. Folsom is a chance to celebrate ourselves. There are people from ALL walks of life...everyone has a story. Everyone might be there for a different reason. Everyone looks a l...ittle bit different. People seem to see past this. Folsom really feels like people celebrating PEOPLE. Gay or Straight, Black or White, Fat or Thin, Naked or Fully Clothed....its just people expressing themselves and celebrating the "people-ness" of each other.
Is this my rose colored glasses view of Folsom? Maybe, but honestly when I step back and look at it from a perspective outside of kink, bdsm, sex, it really comes down to: we are people and we are gonna have a good time.
WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO? We live together for another month, until I start a new job. I can't tolerate this. Help!!!
You are not being selfish as long as you are not requiring him to do something that you would not do-- You are not requiring him to receive you pegging him; it sounds like the pegging is his idea already.
If he ever says "I *let* you peg me; you should reciprocate and let me fuck your ass!" then you need to DTMFA. I dated someone who's attitude was "you should ignore your medical condition and DO AS I SAY!" I didn't DTMFA quick enough.
Try not to think about it.
A first date bj is all about context. If BLOW's intent/expectations about any relationship are left ambiguous, then the assumption behind her eagerness might be that she's only looking for a hookup. She may not be clearly conveying that she is looking for a LTR. That might be an oversight on her part in that she doesn't realize that message isn't getting out there. Or it might be intentional because she doesn't want to scare away any potential willing penis because she loves sucking them so much.
Since I read the letter last week, I've wondered where/how she's meeting the guys she sees and how the first date is structured. If she's meeting guys at bars, parties, gym, etc. and the first date revolves around hanging out at someone's apartment and then she gives a bj, it essentially screams "I'm just looking for a hookup." In that case, its not the guy at all, she's just not being clear with her message. It might be that she's looking to start the relationship casual (because she can easily do that) and have it grow into something more. If that's the case she still needs to be upfront about what she's ultimately looking for.
If she's meeting guys on dating sites (meaning she's upfront about her desire for a LTR and perhaps having a few email/phone convos prior to the date) or at the very least going for a more formal date structure (dinner and a movie) with discussions about long term dating that just so happens to end in a goodnight bj, then she probably needs to reevaluate her taste in guys or her own personal dating style more so than the timing of the bj. Though, delaying the bj might allow her to more thoroughly evaluate the guys and herself.
A gay friend of mine took me down to the fair a few years ago, (I'm a straight male and not kink/BDSM inclined), and I enjoyed the heck out of it! I even got a Folsom Street Fair T-Shirt to take home and still have it.
For me it was just fun seeing the other side of things and meeting interesting people.
A gay friend of mine took me down to the fair a few years ago, (I'm a straight male and not kink/BDSM inclined), and I enjoyed the heck out of it! I even got a Folsom Street Fair T-Shirt to take home and still have it.
For me it was just fun seeing the other side of things and meeting interesting people.
As an added bonus, as you say, the process was corrupt. The peer review was corrupt. The entire study was theory-in-search-of-evidence. Asking nicely (or even endless hordes demanding) to have such a thing deleted from existence isn't going to happen. We're "the enemy" that they're using this weapon against. They're not going to stop using it because we say it's not fair. They're just going to say "It's working!"
Really?? Then it truly must be something wrong with me, I guess.
Where are they? My guess is that they're currently
in hiding what with all the Republicans and their equally evil
right-wing neofascist allies running amok.
Although I do agree---BJs on the first date seem more sexually aggressive than assertive. But it goes both ways: I'd be a bit put off by any guy who wanted to fuck me on the first date, too.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
ROTFLMAO
IMO, what's unusual about BLOW is that she's a straight woman who really really likes giving head for its own sake. That's unusual. It makes her a special little snowflake. Most women are OK with giving head, lots of women *like* giving head (but not as much as they like intercourse), but few women seem to like it as much as BLOW does.
All other things being equal, sooner or later BLOW will blow some guy who really really likes getting head - maybe even more than he likes intercourse. He'll keep coming back for more & end up in an LTR.
Simple & honest.
As for IBS and anal play: when done right it's much more comfortable than any of the firey craps you'll take throughout the day. If your empty and showered, you'll be a lot more "open" to it. Like #22, my ass feels stronger for it, not worse. But then, your man isn't pressuring you anyway, so have fun with his butt.
My own experience and those of friends growing up is that we were afraid of coming out because we were embarrassed that our friends and families would associate us with the most flamboyant people visible at pride events.
I concede their bravery in putting their sexual expression out there. But at the same time it does not help closeted young gays if society believes that most gay men are effeminate cross dressers.
And why the gratuitous Mary Cheney insult? If someone disagrees with most of the Democratic platform on primary presidential concerns like the economy and foreign affairs, why should they support it just because of one issue like same-sex marriage? Dan thinks his insults validate him as a gay activist when all they do is validate him as a partisan Democrat.
What kind of nonsense is that? Does every straight man who wants to fuck his girlfriend anally also must want to be pegged? Did you ever hear of "tops" and "bottoms" in gay relationships? I can go on and on with examples where people do not like done to them what they like to do to others sexually, and vice versa.
Huh. First dates come in all kinds. I'm with the people saying that the odds of any first date leading to more dates is so low that you can't blame the sex for the lack of serious interest.
Also, thank you GymGoth @63. I've never heard a dumber logical fallacy than the one expressed by #17.
But, while your conclusion may do for you, Ms C is situated in such a way that some extra care is required. She has occupied a position, if not of power, than at least of peculiar privilege. While her house may be made of straw or sticks, none of the Big Bad Wolves have dared to blow it down out of deference to Daddy. Now, of course she is perfectly free to support the BBWs, but, given the vast quantity of straw and stick houses blown down by the BBWs, and the BBWs' own eagerness to embrace the label of straw/stick house destroyers par excellence (except, of course, hers), it seems reasonable to say that the onus is peculiarly on Ms C to blend her support for the BBWs with making it clear that blowing down houses is Problematic. How satisfactorily Ms C has done so is open to interpretation.
Who knew butt plugs came in sets?
Did he buy the whole set at once?
Oh, I hope not. Too many crappy relationships are built on an expectation of, or a belief in an obligation to, reciprocate with a LTR.
There's sexual and emotional chemistry. Both are necessary (to different degrees with different people) for a relationship. Why deny the first by holding out for the second? A caveat: Be honest. If its just about the good sex, make sure your date understands that and isn't foregoing some other potential emotional hook-up because of some expectation of monogamous sack time.
And I hope THW is offered some quid pro quo for that first date BJ.
P.S. What do women think of a guy willing to go down on the first date?
As in other relationships, itās about honest communication with yourself and people you connect with. I aspire to be aware of my emotions and kind towards others. And I love sex-positive women. Go BLOW ....... and THW!
'Course I was taught to make him "work for it" and that mystery is a turn-on. I typically put out after three successful "hang outs", hopefully that's not too much to ask. I like to know the mind I'm blowing.
OMG, I've never been on a date in my life.
And for me, cunnilingus is more intimate than a blow job, too (not that I wouldn't do it on a first date). It's less the clothing vs. nakedness, as much as it is the vulnerability it puts me in. Plus, I've discovered that often a blow job is a discreet sex act, whereas cunnilingus is only one of a variety pack that occurs as a general rule. However, it has happened to me on a first date as well, and I was more than fine with that. I can't imagine thinking that any guy who'd sleep with or eat me would be, by virtue of those acts or behavior, an inappropriate partner. But that might be an issue that falls out along gender lines.
Hunter78 (@77) How do you know that wasn't or isn't a "chronic behavior pattern?" What if it is?
Unless there's tequila involved of course. ;)
Just a clarification on something someone wrote above.
I never have sex on the first meeting - I use it to check for red/green flags and for enough chemistry, and I need some time alone with myself to know whether I want to go ahead or not. Besides, lusting after someone, before any sex happens, is one of my great pleasures. Rushing sex would be missing out on that experience.
I usually have sex on the second meeting.
But like EricaP, I never date ! When I agree to meet someone, I already know him a bit (not a stranger then) and it's mostly at lunch, because I like to chat afterwards.
I am not put off by guys who slightly broach the subject of sex, as long as it doesn't feel pushy - unless I have zero interest in the guy, from the start ; but then I don't accepted such lunches with guys I have no interest for.
@88, I do date -- but never "a sober dinner with a stranger." I might meet a stranger for coffee in the afternoon, but otherwise there's going to be alcohol involved.
Get some good silicone lube, soap & lube up, then have at it. Afterwards, dry off and go pound the fuck outta your boyfriend's tight ass.
It is legal because of a US Supreme Court ruling, Lawrence vs Texas (?), and not because of some change in the "wacky states" as you put it...
As one of the (male) vendors put it, "I didn't get hit on once by a guy this year."
And apart from the Fair, the Castro itself has naked people year round who are making a public statement about their right to go naked. Whether or not other people (gay or straight) want to see their junk on their way to the bus, or to the store, or taking their kids to school.
When I lived in the Castro in 2006 I didn't see this, but apparently it's been happening more now. I have mixed feelings, really.
The only place I've seen a horde of naked people was Burningman, all shapes and sizes, in an environment that allowed kids too - and it was OK there, at least for me.
Maybe if all public spaces (including my office) were truly clothing optional we'd all get used to it.
I think it might help BLOW to get to know more men through shared activities, rather than dating sites, so that by the time they're on their first "date," they already know each other pretty well and it's not such a shot in the dark.
If you had a casual/inebriated encounter that blossomed into LURVE, that's fantastic, and I don't see any harm in screwing a confirmed good feminist man you've met previously.
But say you are meeting an on-line match for the first time, in it for the LTR. Automatic dick sucking just sounds CRAZY submissive to me. Great for people you like, but might scare new friends. I like to think that most feminist guys are looking for an intellectual partner first, so I'd surprise him with the sexual later (meeting 2 or 3).
If there's a feminist spectrum, THW and I are on different ends. I'm used to being ignored for not putting out fast enough.
Yeah that's what wikipedia told me :p.
I guess when Dan said that it was legal in all states I naively assumed that all states had come around to reality. Instead they were forced on a federal level.
Oh well, it's about the same in practice, I suppose.
Coming up with a generally accepted definition of feminism is anything but easy.
What about women who choose to embrace gender norms, at least for themselves? Can't a woman be feminine and feminist at the same time?
I think it's more about accepting the exceptions to gender norms than pretending those norms don't exist or that they are inherently evil.
Bingo.
If that's what the predominate discourse in feminism was, I might identify as a feminist.
Ignoring gender expectations is more illustrative of what I'm saying. I think a person can ignore a gender norm, and do what feels right for her. What feels right may be also fall under our ideas about her gender, but no one should be limited in behavior based on outdated gender expectations.
Also, feminism was about breaking any negativity tied to gender. Clearly, it's still a process!
I say fuck expectations, do what you feel is right, and let go of any negative assumptions of any particular gender. All good? All good :)
Yeah, as I recall that was NOT the nickname scrawled on my locker and sneeringly lobbed by mean cheerleaders in high school.
Being a feminist means that you believe men and women are equal. It's that simple.
I do not believe there is any legitimate reason for any person to fail to identify as a feminist.
Being a feminist means that you believe men and women are equal. It's that simple.
I do not believe there is any legitimate reason for any person to fail to identify as a feminist.