The yokels who run this shitty little rag think I'm going to write a nice, polite note in this space praising Jason Collins for coming out of the closet. And you know what? Good for Jason Collins. He's a stand-up guy. I think anyone who hates on gay people is either a bigot or just has too much time on their hands. But that's not why I'm writing this note. You know why I'm writing this note?

Because I want Seattle to know it can go fuck itself.

Yeah, you heard me. You bumble around with your cocks in your hands, and you lose your basketball team to a bunch of inbred Okies, and then you turn around and try to poach Sacramento's team instead? Fuck you. Sacramento is a beautiful little city, full of good-natured, proud Americans. I visited Seattle once, back in the '80s sometime. All I remember is that it was wet, gray, full of whiners, and the coke was some seriously low-grade shit. I was walking around, being assaulted by hoboes on every street corner, and I was like, "The fuck is this?"

Truth is, I just don't like you, Seattle. I didn't like you in the '80s, I didn't like you in the '90s, with your greasy-haired, whiny musicians, and I don't like you now, with your goddamned speak-songs about how you like to buy dirty shit at junk shops and pretend you look good doing it. And as long as I draw breath, you're not going to get a goddamned ball team. Not on my watch. You can be sure of that.

I mean, look at this bullshit you're reading this in right now. You call this a newspaper? Christ! You've got a feature by BRENDAN KILEY that actually takes those snot-nosed anarchist punks seriously. You know what we call those losers in New York? Losers. In Seattle, though, everybody takes them seriously because they're so busy being worried about everyone's feeeeeelings, and apparently there's a book about it, so we should spend our time wringing our hands over these window-smashing shitheads like they matter or something. A city that spends any amount of time not cracking the baby-soft skulls of these turds is a city that doesn't deserve a world-class basketball franchise.

I tried to read around this thing, and nothing grabbed my attention. I think there's a restaurant review, a bleeding-heart story about a bunch of people who met at a co-op to give books to prisoners (Christ, don't even get me started on this one), and a thing on a movie about sex trafficking, like that's anything anyone would ever want to watch unless they already live in the most depressing fucking city in the whole United States. Seriously, why would anyone live in Seattle? I refuse to do that to my players and coaches and support staff. I wouldn't wish Seattle on my worst enemy. You know who agrees with me? All the NBA franchise owners, unanimously. So go fuck yourself, Seattle. Enjoy your WNBA, assholes. recommended