1. In a personal essay, DAN SAVAGE somehow manages to turn the Supreme Court's overruling of the Defense of Marriage Act into musings on his own mortality. It's only at the end of the piece that Savage deigns to mention the effects of the Supreme Court's DOMA ruling on other gay couples. On a narcissism scale of 1 to 100, with 1 being Gandhi and 100 being the Mount Rainier of sociopathy and solipsism, where in the high 90s does Savage fall?

2a. PAUL CONSTANT writes at length—at length—about the acting prowess of Nicolas Cage. Near the middle of the piece, we discover that Constant is promoting his own Nic Cage film festival. Even though Constant isn't earning any money from the festival's proceeds, how unethical is this content? Would you call it more or less unethical than EMILY NOKES's recent article about how great a Stranger-sponsored music festival was going to be? Or all the hyping of Stranger-sponsored events around the Genius Awards (see #3)? Defend your position with pie charts.

2b. Also: Nic Cage?

3. Speaking of advertorial content, this is The Stranger's annual Suggests Issue, which is filled with staff picks of things to do and see this summer. In other words: adoring little blurbicles enthusing over all the different ways in which Seattle consumers can spend money on products and services sold by businesses, some of which happen to advertise in The Stranger. Does this issue represent the nadir of The Stranger's annual publishing schedule? If not, how could it possibly get any worse?

4. The illustration for GOLDY's news piece about the state budget is a nude depiction of Washington State senator Rodney Tom. Besides being a desperate attempt to coax people into reading more than a thousand stultifying words about a complex issue, could there possibly be any other sane motivation to implant the image of Rodney Tom's shriveled buttocks in readers' brains?

5. Since, as indicated by the above questions, this week's issue of The Stranger is virtually unreadable, please demonstrate five other uses for the print edition of the paper, such as origami clothing or leaky-refrigerator-box lining. Be as environmentally conscious as possible!