MONDAY, JULY 22 This week of shitty cyclists, kick-ass bishops, and a long-awaited answer to the question "How do you solve a problem like Amanda Bynes?" kicks off with a ridiculously terrible story out of Brazil, where today a young woman tried to enjoy a day at the beach and found herself besieged by life-endangering terrors. Details come from CNN, which identifies our tragically unlucky heroine as Bruna Gobbi, an 18-year-old who was visiting a beach in the city of Recife with her cousin. Trouble first arrived in the form of the ocean, in which Gobbi and her cousin attempted to swim and almost drowned. "Lifeguards responded immediately to try to save them," reports CNN, confirming that Gobbi's cousin was indeed brought safely to shore. However, in the midst of the rescue, Bruna Gobbi was fatally attacked by a shark. "The local government's security cameras captured the attack and rescue on video," reports CNN. "A lifeguard's Jet Ski–type craft can be seen approaching the stranded swimmers when a sudden flurry of movement creates a splash around Gobbi, followed by a pool of red around her."
•• Speaking of the fact that whenever God closes a door, He opens a window and sometimes shoves you through it to your death: Tomorrow will bring a similarly tragic story from Maine, where two women will become lost near the Roque Bluffs State Park hiking trails and, after an extended search, be rescued by the Maine Warden Service, which will transport the two women safely back to their car. Unfortunately, the women will then drive their car into a lake and drown. "Officials say multiple crews searched for the women and their vehicle, and eventually the vehicle was located underwater about 175 feet off the Pond Cove boat ramp," WCSH News will report. "[Police] said the boat launch could easily be mistaken for the road, especially in a period of low visibility."
TUESDAY, JULY 23 In other news, today brings some decisive forward motion in the regrettable saga of Amanda Bynes, the former child star who's spent the past year veering between grotesque public dramas (numerous vehicular crime charges, one alleged bong-throwing, countless Twitter freak-outs) and court dates related to her various grotesque public dramas. The questions that trail her like a broccoli fart: How will this end? Can no one intervene? WHERE ARE HER PARENTS?? Today brought some answers, as Amanda Bynes was hospitalized on an involuntary psychiatric hold after allegedly starting a fire in the driveway of a stranger's home last night in Thousand Oaks, CA. About last night's decisive fire: "When sheriff's deputies arrived, they questioned Amanda about what she was doing, and why she was doing it," reports TMZ. "Based on her answers, they determined she needed to be hospitalized on a 5150 hold." By week's end, Bynes's parents will file for conservatorship of their 27-year-old daughter, who remains hospitalized. Best of luck to all.
•• Speaking of troubled celebrities, today also brings news on another, worse one: Lance Armstrong, the chronically truth-averse, drug-enhanced athlete who today slimed his way to a new level of repugnance by claiming he shouldn't be held responsible for sponsorship funds he accepted from the US Postal Service (who dumped Armstrong after he admitted to his doping) because the US Postal Service shouldn't have believed his lies about not doping in the first place. "Allegations that he had used performance-enhancing drugs had received news coverage," reports the Wall Street Journal. "But the officials 'did nothing,' [Armstrong's] filing says. Armstrong was denying his use of performance-enhancing drugs during this period." Condolences to Lance Armstrong, who, now that he is cancer-free, is made entirely of garbage.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 24 Meanwhile in San Francisco, the week continues with an awful legal first, as a 37-year-old man became the first person to plead guilty to vehicular manslaughter by bike. Details come from the Associated Press, which identifies our guilty cyclist as Chris Bucchere, a software engineer who'd already run three red lights when he plowed his bike into Sutchi Hui, a 71-year-old pedestrian attempting to cross the street in San Francisco's Castro district. "I was already way too committed to stop," as Bucchere wrote in a blog post after the accident. "I couldn't see a line through the crowd and I couldn't stop, so I laid it down and just plowed through the crowded crosswalk in the least-populated place I could find." Four days after being struck by Bucchere, Sutchi Hui died of his injuries. Having pleaded guilty to vehicular manslaughter, Bucchere now faces three years' probation and 1,000 hours of community service. Also: "Hui's family has filed a civil suit against Bucchere," reports the Guardian.
THURSDAY, JULY 25 Speaking of fatal collisions, the week continues in Spain, where the entire populace is freaking out after the derailment of a high-speed train killed 78 people and injured at least 130 others. As the Times UK reports, immediately after being pulled from the wreckage of yesterday's fiery crash in Galicia, train driver Francisco José Garzón Amo told his rescuers, "I have fucked it up. I want to die." Garzón Amo's desire to be dead will only grow as the week progresses, bringing reports of his previous Facebook bragging about driving his train at excessive speeds and the allegation that he was on the phone at the time of the crash. By the end of the week, Garzón Amo will be charged with 78 counts of criminally negligent manslaughter.
FRIDAY, JULY 26 In better news, the week continues with Desmond Tutu, the Nobel Peace Prize–winning South African archbishop who today made headlines by saying he'd rather go to hell than enter a homophobic heaven. "I would not worship a God who is homophobic and that is how deeply I feel about this," said 81-year-old Archbishop Tutu at the launch of the UN-backed Free and Equal campaign in Cape Town. "I am as passionate about this campaign as I ever was about apartheid. For me, it is at the same level." Thank you, retired archbishop Tutu.
SATURDAY, JULY 27 Nothing happened today (unless you count the packed-out Capitol Hill Block Party).
SUNDAY, JULY 28 Ditto.
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