Columns Aug 21, 2013 at 4:00 am

Kinky Kid


@101: Either your friend should be averaging $20,000 a month, or you should be averaging $30 every 15 minutes. Please apply some basic third grade math skills to your made up random numbers.
And as long as I'm here:

The diaper-wearing teen probably nabbed the baby alive diapers from the open yard, not in an elaborate b&e scheme. Because they are absorbent like other diapers if inserted like a pad. And if he's got that stick insect thing going a stretchy pull-up for a chubby toddler might work: take the sides out if he needs to and wear them under pajamas to hold in place. Erica wisely pulled out the post at 37: assume he's experimenting with his sexuality as it's new and overwhelming, and allow for answers (clear to him in retrospect but maybe not now) like "I wanted to feel safe and swaddled again" and not just "poop fetish."

The guy missing fingers needs a new therapist, hopefully someone who will give him some of the 'stop whining' stuff he--to his credit--asked Dan for over therapy-speak and pity. Really, dude, everyone knows guys who had outstanding game despite missing digits or limbs. All those problems you have that are holding you back would still be there if you couldn't blame your damaged hand.

I'm not going to recount every story of every person I've heard who's found love and sex despite missing digits, because I think you've read enough of those at this point.

I am going to point you to Dan's general advice for teenage guys who want to get laid more. Concentrate on the sex you're going to be having at 21 and work on being a guy who women will like with 10 fingers or 7 1/2 fingers or 15 fingers. Do your work for your classes, keep going to the gym, get some decent clothes, and work on developing an attitude and a personality that will be fun for women to be around. If you're still not doing well in a few years after putting in some honest effort at those things, then you may have some cause for complaint.
DIMI - My dad was missing an arm from an accident when he was 9. Apparently it never held him back from getting babes, including my mom. I never even thought about his limb loss too much till I was older. He was just my dad. My friends would meet him and it would be a bit surprising at first, but people would get used to it.
Also, I dated someone seriously for over a year who had been hit by a car and couldn't use his arm, so it became more of this thing hanging off his torso. He'd flop it around me when we cuddled and it was fine. No biggie. I'd even clean his shunts for him post-surgery, and I'm squeamish when it comes to that stuff.
Like anything in life, people who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. I'm not saying it isn't painful, like anything anyone is self-conscious about, but it's not a big deal.
Maybe he should keep pitying himself. I got to sleep with a really hot guy despite my average looks because he was too wrapped up in worrying what a more attractive woman would think about his missing foot. I seriously couldn't have cared less about his foot. Even when I was a more attractive woman than I am now.
When I was a young Anonymous, I went through something pretty similar PISS’s stepson’s situation. I had a proclivity to steal adult-sized diapers from packages on the shelf when I was out shopping with my folks. One time, I took it too far and was nabbed by the local
constabulary at a popular national retailer. I was with my mother and had to explain myself the best I could. I escaped prosecution, but my mom was freaked out by the experience and sent me to a therapist. As I recall, the major issue wasn’t so much my fetish but the fact that I was stealing. After a few sessions, the therapist and my parents all agreed that I was properly mortified by the experience to never steal again and we parted ways. It didn’t come up with my parents until later when, natch, my cavalier attitude to disposal was revealed and I had to explain myself once more. That time, I was relieved to at least report they weren’t stolen.

My guess is that’s what’s going on with the 14-year-old in this situation. Puberty is hard enough without a shame-filled fetish to reconcile. I think Dan’s answer is mostly spot on, but any kid driven to wear and use diapers MULTIPLE TIMES knows that’s exactly what turns their crank. No ambiguity there, most likely.

Coincidentally, Dan ran one of my letters years ago. I wasn’t asking for advice, just thanking Dan for his compassion, which still resonates
with me today.…
DIMI should check out pics of Alex Minsky for some perpective on the potential attractiveness of dudes with missing body parts. Hotness!!…
DIMI, this came to mind. Watch it.

"Nick Vujicic was born without arms or legs. However, for him, it's no problem. Lee Cowan reports on how Vujicic was able to overcome incredible odds to live a relatively normal, and at times extraordinary, life."…
I dated a guy whose hand was massively disfigured after he broke his arm and got an infection that traveled to his hand. Didn't stop us from having super hot sex in his bedroll on the floor of the calving barn office. Why there? Because he was a damn ranch hand who chucked hay and pulled calves like it was nothing, screwed up hand and all. This dude just wants someone to feel sorry for him.
Maybe your not getting laid because you are the type of guy who, when someone suggests that women of substance will find you attractive, you wanted to PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE. Maybe they don't like you because you are an angry borderline violent asshole. Maybe they don't like you because they know you are the kind of guy waiting for the opportunity to justify the time you actually punch them in face. But yeah, maybe it's just your fingers.
If one more person gives this angry asshole another piece of inspirational advice I'm going puke. Did he have his boobs cut off? Then did he die anyway 11months later? I could make the war vet comparisons but it's been done. How about this one? Did he lose child to a mass murderer? Dan was nowhere near harsh enough. LW 1 can suck it.
My pop (grandpa) accidentally shot off two of his fingers long before I was born. I never knew the true story until I was LONG grown up. My entire childhood was "Don't pick your nose or this will happen!"Keep your fingers out of that fish tank or they'll bite them off!" Careful chopping those carrots or you'll end up like this! " ... It was a new story every day and it was awesome. I can't imagine not wanting to be with someone because they're missing a few digits. Pop had no problems doing anything because of his missing fingers, and made it a funny game/joke instead of a sad painful thing.
People Magazine just ran the story that Bethany Hamilton, the surfer who lost an arm in a shark attack, just got married. Dude, stop whining about a few fingers. You could have it a lot worse.
I have not been this pissed at a letter writer or commenters since "I cheated three times on my army fiance and am still planning on marrying her because of course I'll change then" lady. Ugh, why are you people like this? THIS KID IS TOO ANGRY TO BE GETTING ADVICE ON HOW TO FIND FUTURE VICTIMS OF HIS OBVIOUS MISOGYNY. He needs help, not with his image because of his fingers but on "how not to become a future ladybeater"
Hi @21/@22 - I'm glad to hear that you have cut the unhealthy ties to your family; dysfunctional family relationships are more harmful to people than the weight you recently shed (and CONGRATULATIONS for that - it is not easy!).

My parents set the example among our group of 5 siblings, that we are family first and we love each other, no matter what. We don't have to like every single thing about each other, but at the end of the day loving each other comes first.

When I hear about people whose families treat them like dirt for no reason other than they can, my soul just can't understand it.

I know someone who is the youngest of his family, and is disabled and lives with chronic pain and the siblings say shitty things like "you can walk, it's only a little further", never thinking that if he is sweating and pale and about to tip over from pain, maybe he shouldn't be walking!

I think of my own baby bro, and if he were so afflicted, I would be doing EVERYTHING for him, not telling him "suck it up" or "fuck you".

I hope you keep saying "NOPE" until they get the point. I hope you continue to heal. Blessings and peace on you!!
@Hunter. I take that as a compliment and return it wholeheartedly.
Loved Dan's advice to DIMI! Loved his point of how all of us have scars. Getting over ourselves is a necessary part of life and message some us need to have booted up our ass.

Thanks Dan
@Auntie G: I was so glad to read your letter to Dan, and I hope you had a happy birthday. I am also moved by your devotion to your parents, each time you mention it. You do a service to their memory.
I consider myself classy-as-fuck, and I dated a guy with one testicle. It was no big deal. My husband has Type I diabetes, and, trust me, he would trade 2.5 fingers to be rid of it.

LW2, you're nineteen, I get that. Being nineteen sucks. But it's not your fingers.
If it's just a peeing-into-absorbent material fetish, this kid could easily afford to buy his own stuff with his allowance. Adult incontinence supplies get marked down and go on clearance all the time. Just the other day I picked up a 52-pack of pads for a older relative of mine for $2.54 (which is unusually low, but sometimes you score a deal; clearance packs usually go for about $10, which is less than toddler pull-ups).

My husband was born without hands and missing parts of both feet. We met at age 19, in college. I was instantly attracted to him. Part of it was physical, hands or no hands, but the biggest turn on was his beautiful personality. He was funny, kind, outgoing and confident from the get-go. And the sex? 23 years later, he still makes me weep with pleasure.

I don't think the suggestion of a glove is a particularly good one. Don't hide that hand. Otherwise, Dan was spot-on. Suck it up, and don't use your hand as an excuse for difficulty with romantic relationships. Furthermore, if you act ashamed, girls will pick up on your attitude. Why create that barrier? So what if you get a few stares? People are just trying to understand something that they're not accustomed to seeing.

Some people are initially startled by my husband, but all of the reactions have been ultimately positive, even if it takes people a moment to adjust. You are flat-out wrong about frightening children. Our two kids--15 and 12--are very proud of him and talk openly with their peers about his disability. He's been active in volunteering at their schools over the years, and is well-liked by their friends. He is also a high school teacher, and so is used to fielding questions from a new crop of teens every year. He's won the favorite teacher award more than once.

Granted, kids are more frank in their curiosity than adults, and on occasion ask awkward questions. That's okay. The best is when parents of young children approach him directly with questions. He is always happy to explain why he looks different.

The key is, my husband isn't ashamed of his appearance. He doesn't hide his arms. He doesn't use his disability as an excuse. He has a good heart, and is generous with his friendship. Frankly, he's too busy having fun and enjoying life to get hung up on how other people *might* react to him. People respond accordingly.
@86 I will praise you forever for introducting me to pictures of Alex Minsky. Holy shit...
that was a tough but sweet reply Dan.
And I meant earlier (114) that LW 2 could suck it. Not LW1. I have nothing but sympathy for parents with teens, and whatever pervy issue they might have, and I welcome the letters, mostly so I will be prepared for anything in 5 or so years.
@21 Grizelda,


Just a thought: A Gallon of H2O weighs 8 pounds, so think about removing 5 gallons from your volume!!!

@21 Grizelda,

BTW, I was only commenting on your weight loss.

I'm in essentially the same position with regards to my older sibs. I haven't given up yet, but I'm working on healing myself. Then when I work on reinforcing my kids' ties I'll be stronger to deal with the "stuff from on high".

@93 lolorhone: Thank you and bless you!!! A big hug coming your way!!! XO The weird thing is, I may not earn much, but I don't feel at all like a failure (I'm doing what I love and went to school for); nobody in my family is what I'd call a failure, but yet the majority (largely because they're all much older) consider ME a failure (picture a lone Dobby among a room full of Harry Potters and Draco Malfoys at holiday meals and summer family reunions).
At least I had the love and support of my beloved parents, (my Elmer's Glue) who realized my true calling in life however hard it was for them to let go, too, at the end of their lives, but damn!!
Familiarity breeds contempt?
DIMI: whatever you do, don't attempt to hide your hand! No glove, except if it's really cold out. No tucking your hand discreetly behind your back. Think about the movies where the romantic lead is a guy with a dueling scar on his cheek. Does he try to cover it the scar with vanishing cream? Absolutely not -- he knows the scar is what makes him look tough. Missing a couple fingers is fucking bad-ass. Make it work for you.
DIMI, both James Doohan (Scotty from Star Trek) and Gary Burghoff (Radar from MASH) had missing fingers, yet they did all right. people who reject you for your hand arent worth your time. and a you that is full to the brim with self-pity isnt worth anyone elses time.
@130 & @131 Married in MA: Thanks! WOW---the equivalent of 5 gallons lost--that is amazing! I feel like I'm no longer carrying a tuba every time I walk uphill. Unfortunately, my weight loss was also a deciding factor in my choice to avoid my brother's annual visit (if my older sibs and with the exception of one or two, their grown children / relatives / contemporaries of my parents / etc. habitually belittled me so excessively when I was heavy and had low self-esteem, how would they treat me now, when I look and feel so much more radiant?).
I can sure empathize with you on dealing with unbearably high-riding older sibs!
Mine definitely overplayed the "get out of (fill in the blank) free" card way, way too many times by using the world's lamest excuse EVER invented: 'because I'm / we're OLDER!'
Happily, I am finding that my self-preservation-at-any-price method seems to be working. I'm like you, getting over them until I feel up to seeing them again, if ever.
but it's most important to work on healing myself first.
@117 tito: Oh, God, how did I miss your post?? You're spot on about DIMI.
I agree: he definitely has an unresolved anger problem. Women and children are most likely fearing his temper, more than his lost fingers. And it could have been a lot worse.

@119 SLM_2112: Thank you, and bless you!!
It's so true about dysfunctional families, isn't it?
My parents, bless them, could lovingly find the good
qualities in each of us, and acknowledged us accordingly.
Despite this, my older sibs developed into 3 distinct categories unhealthy for me, however:
Oldest sister = Bossy, Passive-Aggressive, Over-dramatic Mother Hen
Older sister = Holier-than-thou Pretender Queen of a Faraway Land
Older brother = The Star (apparently every family can only have one)

I'm right with you about saying "NOPE" until they get the hint. I'm doing that already, and know that my choosing to sit out "family get-togethers' has been the wise move. My oldest sister and equally bossy sister-in-law called to chastise me about 'making a better effort to come next year'.; 'You don't want to miss fond, precious memories (of WHAT?!??)', and my personal favorite this year: 'The family's getting smaller! (Ahhh--- so my sister-in-law was the unlucky one stuck with KP!)'
In one ear and out the other until they 'had to go now--'bye-bye'.

Geez---I don't want to become a callous, bitter, grumpy old bitch---just a happy, healthy and sane individual with my own life.
My amazing naturopath says I'm on the right track.
@119 SLM_2112: Thank you and bless you! It's so true about dysfunctional families, isn't it? Our beloved parents were able to love each of us uniquely for our individual qualities. Despite this, however, my older sibs fell into three categories unhealthy for me:
A) Oldest sister = bossy passive-aggressive mother hen
B) Older sister = holier-than-thou pretender queen
C) Older brother = the star (apparently every family is supposed to have only one)

I'm with you on saying "NOPE" until they finally get the hint. My oldest sister and equally bossy sister-in-law had called to chastise me about not making this year's family do. 'You should make a better effort to come next year', "You're missing precious memories (of WHAT?! Being sent to go around asking who wants what to drink with dessert?)', and my personal favorite: 'The family's getting smaller! (my sis-in-law must have gotten stuck with KP this time)".
I'm starting to feel a little like Ferris Bueller---I'm going to have to come up with more serious "illnesses". Next time I may have to "barf up a lung".
re: @136 & @137: Sorry about the reprint! I'd better sign off.
DIMI, my dad works with a guy in his 20's who lost both of his legs and half an arm before he was 1. And he still gets more action than many "normal" guys out there. Yes, there will be shallow girls out there, but there are shallow girls out there discriminating against everyone. Use it as an asset, not an excuse, honey.
Great advice, Dan.
I didn't read all of the posts, so pardon me if this is a repeat.
Other than acquiring a positive, attitude, here's one thing DIMI should consider.
AFTER he adjusts his attitude, I'd be game for having the half-hand slide up my pussy. For those into butt sex, fisting would be way easier with a half-hand than a five-fingered hand could.
I second the Alex Minsky worship, as per @86 and @127.
Dear Dan, as someone who has been enjoying your column since 1996, I feel obligated to call you out on your recently misguided actions against Homophobia in Russia. The vodka boycott only reinforces the perception of US progressivism as a fashion accessory; showing righteous anger without too much inconvenience. You, et al, could've started a far more effective boycott by parking your cars and bicycling everywhere. Since gay-executing Saudi Arabia's economy is far more dependent on oil than homophobic Russia's is on Stoli, imagine what could've happened by now.
To the guy missing fingers, I suggest he comes up with a couple of standard responses. Maybe raise his hand, look at it and dismissively and say ' oh, yeah, shark dentist' or feign comedy surprise e.g. 'my god! How long has this been like this!. Nasty people will take it that they've been admonished for rudeness by someone smarter than them and nice people might laugh and start a convo now the elephant's out of the room.
I am not sure why nobody brought up the possibility that the 14 year old, who is clearly targeting little girls and girl diapers, might be developing a form of pedophilia or lolita complex. That would be my biggest concern if I were the parents. And yes, I think some therapy is in order here...
@ DIMI, even before becoming an carpenter i managed to land me a bunch of friends, male and female, who miss multiple fingers. most of them i didnt even notice for weeks because after a while these people became both so comfortable using the remainder of their hand that it doesnt show and paradoxically because all developed ways to keep their hand out of sight or away from attention through the years to prevent judgmental stares by assholes.
some of those people i made out with way before i noticed their missing fingers, some i already knew, i'm no lost limb fetishist but they certainly didnt turn me off either.
as Dan says, it sounds shitty but as lost limbs come a few fingers is maybe the "best" you could have.
Did anybody else pick up that PISS called out that the kid was his step-son?

A man comes into your mother's life and takes role as your father. Soon afterward they have a baby and perhaps as a 14 year old needing parental guidance, you don't get any attention because the focus on the new family is your new sister (thank you PISS for pointing that out, but I don't know if the gender of the baby has anything to do with it).

Perhaps this is a fetish thing, and perhaps it's not. Perhaps it's about the relationship between a step-dad and his son. When someone can't formulate words because they don't have the proper vocabulary or a more sophisticated mental state, they manifest language by physical actions.
I have a beautiful relative who used to date a guy who had been shot in the upper arm/shoulder as a child in a hunting accident, resulting in a perpetually child-sized, mostly useless arm. She dated him because he was cool, funny and self-confident.

Of course, there was that awful night he woke up screaming with her teeth embedded in his stunted arm. She had been dreaming that she was eating a chicken nugget.
Hey, handless, chicks dig that. You look like a bad-ass motherfucker that survived some serious shit. Trust me man, I've got a spinal injury that's busted the nerves running down my dominant hand. Let's have the world's most awkward high-five and get out there, you stupendous badass.

"This? Oh, yeah, a bit of an accident when I was younger. A few degrees off and I'd be dead. What are you studying?"

I know one guy who lost one finger in an accident. He got "awkward" tattooed on his knuckles, and yes, if you count, that word fits on his hands but not yours or mine.
I am a licensed massage therapist, and one of my clients has 2 missing fingers on one hand. He is happily married, and all the women where I work love him and always chat with him, saying, "He is such a gentleman." He isn't especially attractive, but he charms all of the women he meets. And, I didn't even notice his hand until I started working on it. No one at my office has mentioned his missing fingers either...and they probably wont unless I mention it.
Thank you DIMI for asking your question. There is a lot of love for people of different body types, yet physical deformities are not commonly talked about in media as people needing love and understanding. Having a PERMANENT physical change is terrifying. I have scoliosis and had back surgery, a long scar. As a lady I spent a lot of time beating myself up over it and still do on occasion, it is, VERY HARD. Be kind to one another out there!!!!!!!!!
Whoa! Late to this, but yah, great answer for DIMI. Because yeah, we all have something we don't like about ourselves and part of growing up is getting over that. I say this as the child of a parent with severe and rather outwardly obvious CP.

And DIMI: this is not about making you feel bad about feeling bad about your disfigurement...because yeah, that sucks (both losing fingers and being shamed about feeling bad). Here's the truth: self-confidence, which is actually self-love and good self-esteem are the sexiest attributes there are!

"Beautiful" people with low self-esteem really aren't very attractive...and when you run around, otherwise handsome and in shape...feeling like a horrible monster, all you do is draw attention to your hand and send people the vibe, "I'm a horrible monster."

If you are seeing a therapist, please talk to them about CBT and start spending time focusing on your positive attributes...that you are a good looking guy, that you are in shape, that you're a nice person to children and small animals.
Amputee fetishism is a real thing, to the point that there are voluntary amputees out there. Many fetishists have attachments to specific amputations--commonly below the knee, for whatever brain-hardwiring reason--but I can totally see DIMI filling the niche of satisfies-the-fetish-without-being-all-that-disabled.

Let's hope he takes Dan's advice to stop whining to heart. My first boyfriend was whining at 21 and is still whining 9 years later now that we're sort of friends; DIMI, don't be like him. Maybe we can introduce another new acronym to the Savage Love lexicon: GTFOY, or get the fuck over yourself. (It would come in handy quite often!)
All I can say to DIMI is that most women would probably be turned off by his whining long before even noticing his hand. My grandfather was born with NO fingers on one of his hands, and yet he found love, got married and had five kids! The difference is that he exuded confidence and had the kind of personality that outweighed his deformity. If DIMI focused on those aspects of himself more than his hand, other people will too.
Just for the record, I know a totally sweet, fuckable dude missing an eye. the way he told me was, "you wanna know something totally awesome about me? I'm missing an eye - i have one glass one. like a pirate!" it was shot out when he was 13. who cares? he's sexy, confident, and treats the one-eye as something unique about himself that makes him attractive and interesting. it works!

he's also single with a 5-year-old son, which i wouldn't consider a handicap, but lots of women would be turned off by that too. he just ends up attracting people who like the fact that he's a good dad (and maybe they won't have to pop out a kid of their own!) & care way more about his hot bod and winning personality than a missing eyeball. who gives a rip?
@123 tito: Thank you so much! I had a blast over my birthday, and am still having fun! It's great to hear from you.

I love and miss my parents very much, and am in the middle of writing music in their loving memory. As for my controlling, manipulative, out-of-touch sibs and older relatives, I have fully embraced the healthy decision of leaving them all behind. The only thing that hurts anymore is my no longer feeling anything towards these people (other than my parents) who were once a very big part of my life growing up. Once again, I have reached a chapter in my life in which I have to move on, and those who are non-supportive of my goals and lifetime dreams (i.e.: sibs et al) will be left out of my loop.

Damn!! 12 years ago I felt a hollow numbness in my chest after leaving a toxic marriage. I no longer felt anything at all for the emotionally unstable, abusive man (like DIMI, but with all his fingers intact) I had vowed to share my life with. It seems weird that I would feel that same numb feeling of disconnection with actual members of my own immediate surviving family. I no longer respect them. That's what hurts, but I'll get over it.

Anyway, being on my own kicks the shit out of being the "Dobby" of the group in stupid parlor games, and being the butt of cruel, tasteless jokes at picnics, birthday parties, and backyard BBQs. Who needs that?
@Auntie G. Don't forget Dobby was the secret hero of the stories. He saved the day many times, they couldn't have won without him. :)
@6 If a sex positive councilor won't see the kid the parents could still go in together. They might appreciate a chance to talk about tactics with someone understanding and get some idea of how to support the kid through his omg I'm a sick pervert monster feelings if he indeed has them. Which since he's a 14 year old boy and fucking every likely looking inanimate object in sight may not actually be the case anyhow.

And first letter writer? Women don't care about that shit. I don't even think men would care particularly much about that shit (if genders were reversed). It's just some fingers. I'd pin it down much more to your lousy attitude and self-martyrdom. That's truly repellant.
@156 tito: Yes, but my older sibs, the majority of my nieces and nephews strongly influenced by their parents' low opinion of me, and remaining elders have no appreciation for me at all, no matter what I have positively accomplished and contributed throughout my life. I was never there to save the day, only regarded as a forever put-upon grunt to pick up the slack overload (too many chiefs and not enough indians in our family).
I can't win in the company of my elders, so I no longer try. It's more like the situation of Harry Potter having to deal with his horrible muggle relatives on his mother's side of the family, Cinderella and her wretched stepmother and equally cruel stepsisters, etc., etc.

Here's a sad recent example: I just emailed my wealthy, successful brother, asking only for his personal and professional opinion (and not a single dime in handouts--I don't expect any) on how I could further promote my home-based small business. His response was a scathingly sarcastic, shamefully condescending verbal bashing instead on how he felt I was supposed to "take what [I] could get"---that I'd never amount to anything better than a dead-end, low-paying part-time job stuck in something I absolutely hated in order to pay my rent, bills, and living expenses (He has never had to take a job working for an employer like McDonald's, and couldn't care less about Mickey D's preposterous "McBudget"). According to my brother, that's the best someone like me can ever hope for.
It is not out of anger or bitterness that I have chosen to break away from my sibs, remaining elders, and blood family members. It's the only sane, healthy choice I have in getting on with my life.
Onward and upward. :) XO
Hey DIMI, I think scars are a sign of strength. When I see a man or woman with a scar I think they are tough and brave; two very attractive qualities. Maybe instead of hiding or being ashamed of your missing fingers, you should show them off & even brag a little. Confidence is also very attractive.
Hey DIMI, I think scars are a sign of strength. When I see a man or woman with a scar I think they are tough and brave; two very attractive qualities. Maybe instead of hiding or being ashamed of your missing fingers, you should show them off & even brag a little. Confidence is also very attractive.
DIMI needs to watch "Moonstruck." I've never seen Nick Cage look so sexy.
The stepson thing may also be less about diapers and more the thrill of doing something "forbidden" - allow him to buy the diaper himself and he may not be as into it.
Smoove @146, Why do you think LW1 is written by a man? I got the vibe LW1 was a step-mom. Just wondering.
This is why I read Dan Savage and have read him for nearly 25 years, yes dear you're old.

Good information and frank talk. Hear, hear, bud, hear, hear.

Bother! I came up with my best HA idea of the month so far today, but sadly, it was concerning two DP letters when I'd been hoping all along it would be here. But there's been so little suitable material knocking around - barring speculation about Russian figure skaters, but Russia has surprisingly little on offer in that department.
Speaking as a diaper fetishist who used to be 14, and who nicked a few Pampers back in the day: The answer to PISS was very good except for the kleptomania part . Stealing a few doll diapers does *not* mean the kid's a kleptomaniac, and PISS, if you're reading, please don't force him to see a therapist.

By all means go ahead and discuss the idea of a therapist with him -- he might *want* to talk to someone. But if he doesn't, I wouldn't insist. (And if he does, try to find someone kink-friendly and nonjudgmental -- check the kink-aware professionals list maintained by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom for someone in your area. Worst thing you could do is send him to a therapist who turns out to be sex-negative.)

I have to say, based on my own experiences, I have very little doubt that it's a fetish. And I loved the part of Dan's answer about how everyone's a little bit perverted -- I would've been a much, *much* less miserable kid if someone had told me that when I was a teenager.
When I read piss's letter I immediately recalled being 13 years old. My mother bought me a jockstrap and told me to wear it under my swimtrunks. The moment I put that undergarment on I became aroused. Back then I was aroused all the time I guess. I turned out OK.
Today I own a jockstrap but it is no longer made the same way. There is an underwear - type piece of fabric where the two elastic straps used to be around my butt-cheeks.
I have lately experimented wearing a thong and a couple times, womens underwear. There is a strange excitement doing this underneath the everyday work uniform of slacks and dress shirt and necktie. I suppose it is harmless(?)
I am actually a bit afraid to find out what is really going on. Dan's advice is good, as always.
DIMI - there are a lot of attributes that exclude millions of women from a man's pool of potential mates:

1) Too short
2) Too fat/thin
3) Penis too small/large
4) Erectile dysfunction
5) An ugly face
6) Crooked/gapped teeth
7) IQ too low/high
8) Unibrow
9) Squeaky voice
10) Autism spectrum
11) Poop fetish
12) Violent temper

A couple of missing fingers would fall somewhere around 119th on this list.

And, for some ideas on how to use your missing fingers to manipulate women into putting out, read The Asset in David Foster Wallace's Brief Interviews With Hideous Men.
sb53 @168:

"I suppose it is harmless(?)"

Harmless, yes, and even kinda hot. I had an ex who discovered with me that he liked me in stockings so much, he wanted to try them on himself. It made him feel very sexy. I left him with a pair and I suspect he probably wore them under his clothes a few times. But there was no more to it than that.

But why do you feel afraid "to find out what is really going on?" That seems like the part I'd be concerned about, especially if you were my friend.
Your answer to DIMI Dan, is reason that I love you. Keep up the good work.
When I was fifteen I had the hugest crush on a guy who was missing one arm because it had been amputated when he'd had cancer as a small child. I liked him because he was quick-witted, smart, funny, and cute... the arm was really never something that concerned me, aside from the fact that I admired that he seemed to be able to do all my two-arm tasks with just one arm, and without any loss in the quality of how well the tasks got done.
@158 Grizelda,

That's right, a person like you should only expect to have compassion, courage, and a sense of decency...


P.S. What an asswipe
Everyone is right in slapping DIMI around, as well as giving examples of confident, successful, fingerless-or-disfigured guys. I couldn't help but notice, however, that most examples refer to birth defects or accidents that happened as "a little boy." DIMI had his accident at THIRTEEN, an even more confusing and insecure age than 19. Not disageeing hat he needs to get over it, he surely does, but the timng of his accident might explain his attitude toward it a bit...
Thank you, bashe! It never ceases to amaze me how people will rush to crucify some of the LWs. As bashe has pointed out, this kid was 13 when he lost his fingers. Maybe he went back to school after his accident and a lot of the other kids treated him like a circus freak, or doesn't anyone recall how miserably cruel young teenagers can be to peers who are even slightly different? And maybe there was nothing and no one in his life to counteract that cruelty or help him through the experience. Does he need to get over it somehow to keep from getting stuck? Sure. Is it really useful for him to have it hammered into his head that he's a whiny loser? No.

It's great that so many of you have known so many cool people who aren't shallow, nasty or judgmental. Not everyone is so lucky, especially during adolescence.
@173 Married in MA: Thank you, Married, tito, SLM_2112, and everybody for all your much-appreciated support in my letting go of what clearly doesn't work in my life! I think I put my brother in particular high up on a pedestal far too long. No wonder it's such a shock for me to see his truly nasty side now--after 49 years.
Okay, so this is another painful lesson for me (SO weird!!--my Yahoo horoscope predicted I'd have a hurtful experience like this this year!), but I'll live to rock ' n' roll, continue to play and write music, love cats, the beach, Volkswagens, crazy old movies (i.e.: "What's Up, Doc?"), etc., etc.
My dad grew apart from his siblings; my mother grew more distant from her older sister. Life happens, I guess, and this is all the more a reason for me to focus on self-preservation and staying happy doing what I love with those I cherish so much and love me equally right back. XO :)
@175 SFmoonfire: Actually, I fully share both yours and bashe's opinions on DIMI's situation, and wasn't particularly bashing DIMI; only agreeing with others that he has an anger problem. Adolescence bites no matter how well liked and well adjusted the individual. Raging hormones be damned!
That is sad that DIMI lost his fingers at age 13, the height of the awkward teen years. Hoo boy, that reminds me of another story for anyone willing to read it (if not, skip this post and go to the next one):

Mine isn't anything like DIMI's situation, but I can empathize with teen angst, all the same. I've had to wear glasses (and / or contacts) since the fifth grade; started periods at age 12 1/2, and was the first girl in my 6th grade class to need a bra. Then, as if that wasn't awkward enough, my cute-little-cheerleaders-turned-dangerously-licensed-to-drill, baby, drill!-dental-hygienists of older sisters fully convinced our dear mother that I "needed" braces, and with full head gear.
My tearful, desperate pleas for Mom to reconsider fell on deaf ears, and I don't know what I would have done if our one and only practicing county orthodontist back in the day calmly, professionally, and matter-of-factly informed my speechless mother in the privacy of his office that while my pearly whites were indeed growing a bit close together, they a) weren't in serious enough of a condition to need braces upon his examining the inside of her youngest daughter's mouth, and b) after examining the inside of her youngest daughter's mouth, her youngest daughter had made it perfectly clear that she didn't want braces and wasn't the least bit comfortable with wearing and taking care of them, and c) as an orthodontist, he wasn't about to put braces on anyone's teeth by force and against one's wishes.
It was one quiet ride home from the orthodontist's office, and my mother kept tightly pursed lips all through dinner.

In retrospect, I believe my mother was eagerly anticipating my being blessed by age 14 with perfectly gorgeous movie star quality pearly whites, once the braces and head gear that my beloved parents were willing to pay for were removed. But in her over-enthusiastic zeal to blindly go with my sisters' radical dental recommendations, Mom quickly forgot that neither she nor either of my sisters would be the one wearing the braces and head gear. Try being 13 and already wearing glasses, being overweight, having periods, low self esteem, requiring a bra, AND wearing braces and full head gear while enrolled in a small rural school district in which there were children of all shapes, sizes, models and makes taunting me already for my glasses alone.

Needless to say, I thankfully never had to wear braces and full head gear, and lived through my adolescent years, however awkward, like most anyone else. DIMI will, too.

Okay--thanks again, everyone, for enduring another novel. Griz is calling it a night, going to bed, and off to have some more Brad Pitt dreams!!
XO :)
My right forearm is a roadmap of huge scars left over from a near death early childhood accident.
I never once felt like I was disfigured. In fact, it's been a great conversation starter when a woman notices it. I

As Dan said it could be worse, I could be dead.
"He has even stolen some of the neighbor girl's Baby Alive doll diapers to wear and soil."

What are the waist sizes of a 14-year-old vs. a Baby Alive doll?
@auntie grizelda

I've been away from the net lately, but I've done most of the catching up now. So about music (on Bros), I'm very impressed that you've learned all these instruments, even if you're not an expert in them !

So, you're a composer ? Wow. I'm not asking if it's as a hobby or as your main job, because anonymity, but you have to know that few activities have as much prestige in Europe as being a composer. Even as a hobby, it's a whole world above embroidery, gardening, making soap, decorating or the like ; not to mention watching movies, reading, etc.

That makes it even more difficult for me to understand how your own family can treat you like an underling.

<- probably hard to read ->

It seems from your posts on this thread that your brother and sisters hate you, and have done so, as far back as your teen years. Sibling hatred does exist, there are awful examples right in my own family. What I've seen is that it's the child most favored by the parents, or who has been most favored for a time, who relentlessly picks on the unluckiest sibling (it can be the female in patriarcal societies, or the ugly sibling, or the fat sibling, or the one that one or both parents didn't want to have).

What I mean is : that kind of hatred is none of your fault, whatever your shortcomings or successes. It's in their heads and you can't change that. They may behave nicer if you have something they want from you, but they will never genuinely have better feelings towards you - and I bet they will be nastier the happier, the healthier you seem to be. A hating, toxic sibling is for life, and will only get worse in getting older.

Cutting them away from your life is the best way to deal with them. Good for you.

And now, a novel about something horrible that some 70 years-old siblings did to one another. OK, imagine one sister, one brother and later on, a baby boy who is so sick from lactose intolerance (this is in the late 40s where people don't know what it is) that the neihgbors tell the mother "you'll have another one". Despite not gaining any weigh from birth to one year old, the sickly baby begins to grow when put on solid foods, survives and goes on to be healthy boy. Meanwhile the elder sister has been raped at 6 by a friend of the parents, but she shan't tell on pain of death. And she didn't for as long as her parents lived. Oh, I forgot, patriarcal society. She's not expected to study past becoming a kindergarten teacher, but she keeps on studying. Her two brothers go to college ; she becomes a highschool teacher and finds faith. Which is a proof of her utter idiocy for her whole family. She's petite and round-waisted. She wants to become a nun ; they hate it, so she marries. Very bad marriage. Meanwhile the first brother has become an engineer from a renowned college. The second brother, a lot less valiant, and probably less able in his studies, does a PhD in electronics, and will go on to become a small college director. The siblings are now all married, and all have kids. The sister travels yearly to let her kids mingle with their cousins at the grandparents - the only vacation she can afford. Although they have more money, the brothers never care to come and visit at her place - their excuse is that they don't like their brother-in-law. Bad stuff happens, she divorces. Now an isolated parent, she puts her kids' education first. The wife of the second brother has a jealous fit about it : "how hypocritical is it to complain about your life, when you give such opportunities to your kids ?".

The father of the 3 siblings dies unexpectedly - only the second brother, who lives in close vicinity, can be to the deathbed. Their mother is now a widow, who will care for her ? The wives of the brothers deeply resent that the divorced single sister won't move to be her mother's keeper - especially the wife of the second brother, because the close vicinity will mean she'll have the most contacts with the widow, whom she abhors. Now the sister is retired, and has enough means to travel back and fro several times a year, but she won't uproot and come live there. The second brother feels he's owed a medal because he visits weekly his mother, so he hates it whenever the mother shares praising news about the sister or her kids. Of course the mother gives the sister praising news about both brothers and their kids - but the second brother is so blinded by resentment and jealousy, he can't even imagine it happens. He should know that it's just not their mother's thing to praise the very people who are right now in front of her... Moreover, she finds the second brother a bit lacking in humility, and she foolishly attemps to correct him when he's already in his fifties. And, to be fair, the mother, pretty unjustly, always innerly blames her daughter-in-laws for her sons' perceived shortcomings.

Now the mother is very elderly and the second brother finds her a place in a retirement home, in his own village. When the sister comes, she can't stay in their mother's home anymore, a niece and her family has settled in it. But she's not wealthy enough to go to the hotel for a fortnight. For a while she's allowed to stay at the second brother's house, just like the first brother has always been - the two sisters-in-law like each other and their families often visit each other. But then, some praise she gives to the first brother, and she's not welcome at the second brother's anymore. Now she can't stay for more than two or three days at a time, but she still crosses the country to come several times a year.

Now the very elderly mother has a bad fall. The sister comes for a few days, stays at the hotel, finds her mother in a chair and in good spirits, nothing brocken, and goes back. One week after that, the second brother calls, the doctor is pessimistic, the mother is in bed now and could pass away inside a fortnight. The first brother will come, and as usual will stay at his house. The sister asks "you know I can't pay the hotel for a fortnight, what do you propose me to do ?" and the second brother coldly answers "do as you wish". Three days after that, while the sister is packing to come despite her money problems, a brother calls : Mother died. Service in three days.

The sister does the trip with one of her kids. When she wants to see her mother for the last time, the funerary parlour tells her the second brother has not paid for the mother's body to be presented to visitors before the funeral. Some explaining is needed before she's allowed to spend "no more than one hour" with her mother. She pays her respect to her mother's body while it's placed on a sort of hospital cooling tray, covered in white sheets, and probably stark naked underneath.

The sister goes to the mother's house, now the niece's house, and together they take a walk the mother had loved. The sister is not invited to the family meeting right before the funeral at the second brother's house. She comes in early for the funeral and sits in the shade - the funerary house will not let her in before more people arrive. The rest of the family arrives from the second brother's house and pointedly ignores the sister on her bench, until the first brother comes to her - then they condescend to greet her. The mother is interred.

In the parking lot of the cemetary, before the sister takes the road back to cross the country, the first brother stops her and gets down to business. "Two things you have to explain to me now : Is there a will, did Mother give you her will ? And, we know you went to the niece's house, what papers or things did you take/steal from there ? And if you've got no shady behaviour to hide from us, I'd please like to know how come our mother, on her deathbed, was calling your name ??"
At the age of 48, I was going snow skiing for only the second time in my life. I was falling a lot and spending more time on my ass than on my feet. By coincidence, that day there was some kind of group trip or field trip to the same ski slope, and it was a group of amputees. I was surrounded by people skiing on one leg because they only had one leg to ski on. Double amputees were seated in a contraption that looked like a miniature sleigh connected by a pole to a single ski, and their ski poles gave them enough balance to move forward. I decided right then and there that if I ever had an accident that resulted in the loss of one or both of my legs, I was going to learn to ski. And instead of getting angry and frustrated by my lack of ability, I just put that much more effort into learning as a nerdy, clutzy man of 48.
@181 sissoucat: Holy fucking shit that's horrible!! Please tell me that wasn't about your own family! I am so sorry! I now have a huge lump in my throat after reading your post. That's beyond cruel, and should never be tolerated. While my situation isn't exactly the same as yours, I know I have made the right decision to cut ties with those who have and still do willfully hurt me and move on. You're right---it's all we can do in dysfunctional families.
If only we could choose our siblings as well as our friends *sigh*.

My closest friend quietly asked me what you just did: could any / all of my older sibs be jealous of me? It's possible (I'm divorced / no kids / doing what I love, etc.), but I can't imagine any of them being so jealous toward me as to hate me! However, your theory makes sense, though.

As Matt Groening, the creator of The Simpsons had once wisely said,
'Grown ups and older sibs like to belittle us so that we'll always be little.'
@181, Part II: In answer to your question about music, yes, I have been enjoying writing my own music over the last 34 years. I have just recently caught up with copyrighting my works. One day I would love to visit Europe--Germany & Austria--for all the wonderful musical culture and history there.
Music will continue to remain a deep passion of mine, and one that I would like to leave as a legacy when I am but a speck of dust on planet Earth.

And--YIKES!!--I agree with you about the increased need to avoid non-supportive siblings & relatives now that I've lost weight, and look and feel so much better! If my sibs--including some of their own children!-- & older relatives cut me down so shamefully when I was overweight, felt like shit, and had such low self-esteem, I don't want to know how they'd treat me, now.
@182 Clayton: Good for you! That's a healthy way to live life.
How amazing to see amputees skiing, and able to compensate for their losses.
@181 sisoucat,

Given my own less than open family, I have some idea of the dynamic in the family you describe. Sometimes the best we can do is to stabilize/ right ourselves and continue on. If we have children, don't allow the poison of the past to continue it's effects in the future. Though difficult, getting healthy ourselves is the only way we might be able to help everyone else in the relationship.

An observation: for the mother to call out for the only child missing doesn't seem that hard to understand, does it? What is missing from the backstory description are all the small insecurities fostered in a dysfunctional home, small things that grow into life-eating collections of pain and anxiety. I've got my own collection to deal with, BTW. I'm entering the stance that I'll do my best, and hope for the best, and will try not to allow the old mistakes to propagate forward where I have control.

Best wishes!

@auntie griz

Sorry to be that guy but something jumped out about your story. Had to point out:

"The average age of menarche is about 12.5 years in the United States"

Having your period at that age would have put you squarely in the Goldilocks realm of being exactly average.

But hey, being a preteen sucks, still. And all the other stuff is teasing-fodder. I wore braces, and glasses, although not at the same time. I got the ever-loving shit teased out of me at that age, actually. But the glasses got swapped out for contacts, the braces came off and the body attributes that I got teased for are some of my favourites now so... *shrug*.
I knew a guy who was missing a few fingers- he was such a nice guy and had a positive attitude that you quickly forgot about the fingers and didn't even notice them. I also knew a guy who went through life with one arm- had a rather bad accident. He did a lot more than some people I know with two arms! It is all in the attitude.
@186 Yes, a dying mother calling for the missing child is only natural.

Hearing that part of the story made me feel disconnected from reality, like I had entered another dimension where logic doesn't apply. I don't know if that states happens to everyone, or if it's a side effect of the bullshit I've been submitted to during my abusive marriage.

I guess what happened is the two brothers felt tremendous guilt for witnessing their mother dying in distress, and it was easier for the second brother not to mention he had refused to host their sister - and probably, to paint her as a money-grubbing scheming unnatural daughter who had not wanted to come to the end. In all the grief of their mother's death, the first brother was ready to believe anything.

The first brother and the sister did mend their relationship, as there was no will whatsoever, and the niece did testify that the sister hadn't even entered the house.

Even since she had been banned from his house, I had told the sister to kick the second brother to the curb, but, being a Christian, she reconnected via email one year after their mother's death. He forbids her to visit him and to write snail-mail to him, but she emails him. Go figure.
My father was missing his entire arm. I always thought of him as a whole man because of his attitude. He never used his amputation for an excuse for anything and did more than most "whole" men ever do in their lives.
@187 mydriasis: Okay. Point taken and duly noted. I'm not saying my own preteen situation was particularly unique. I never did have to wear braces or head gear as I mentioned in @177, and age 12.5 is indeed the average age for menarche. My only point was that for me, wearing glasses, a bra, and having periods ALONE at that awkward stage of my life was rough enough without older family members heaping any further unwanted challenges upon my head, neck and shoulders because they "could" at the time.
My mother also worked full-time at my public school, and had a direct observation of the bullying that went on on the school grounds.

Peace. :)
@189 sissoucat: I am really sorry to read about all the heartbreaking sadness and abuse you have experienced, and about your friends (dealing with the disconnection after the dying elderly mother).

I guess we really have to do what lolorhone @39 advised me: brush our shoulders off and move on, however painfully hard. Time is supposed to heal and hopefully will.
Peace. :)
@169 The way your post is written, it sounds like it is the women with these attributes. I got a good laugh thinking about all the guys who won't date a woman with a small penis, thanks!
@sissoucat, auntie grizelda:

There's this great line in Six Feet Under that genuinely helped me get perspective on that gulf between what your family/friends/lovers are supposed to be and what they actually are to you. I hope it can help you as well:

"Do whatever takes you deeper into the reality of your life. Not the one you think you can have; the one you've got."

Thanks for your kind concern but, don't worry ! I know a vast quantity of horrible stories, so when my life is not right in the middle of one, like now, I feel on top of the world :-)


Would you mind to explain how this quote helped you ? I mean, not in the actual events, but how did it shape your mind in a helpful way ?

I think I don't understand the quote, to tell you the truth. I imagine someone walking over a chasm and looking underneath - pretty dangerous, one would better watch straigth ahead and focus on getting out of danger ?
@194: I had the same misreading for the longest time!
Okay, DIMI, here is your foolproof pick-up line:

"Sure, I'm missing a couple of fingers, but my tongue works just fine." Follow this line with a shit-eating grin.

Mind you, this will only work if you get rid of the massive chip on your shoulder and develop expert cunnilingus skills.

You're welcome.
@198: Plus, if he's using his tongue for other purposes, the poor woman doesn't have to hear his whining. Win-win.
I lost my finger in a lawnmower accident when I was eight years old. It has never interfered with my sex life. I don't know if it has enhanced it, but as already noted a sense of humor and just being the kind of person others want to be around make it a non-issue. We all have our challenges. It doesn't make me less of a person. On the rare occasion when somebody comments on it I tell them I had a grizzly bear encounter and only had a knife to defend myself. They may not believe me but it lightens up the moment.
@196: It means look at your life and the people in it squarely and see it and them as they are- not as you wish them to be, not as you hope they will become one day- as they are. Decide based on that un-honeyed, un-expectant take what you need to change and what you need to remove altogether. An example: I realized very early in my life that it was foolish of me to expect anything but abuse from my father. I had to stop looking at him as if, because he was my father he SHOULD or WOULD act a certain way towards me, my mother, my brother et al; I had to start looking at him AS HE ACTUALLY WAS and decide if that was something I wanted in my life or not. I decided not, and the uptick in my happiness far outweighed my sadness at my father disappointing me by not acting like a father should. That's taking yourself deeper into the reality of the life you really have.
"Sure, I'm missing a couple of fingers, but my tongue works just fine." Follow this line with a shit-eating grin.

That would work! You know... if your goal is to get someone's drink poured in your lap.
@196 sissoucat: I'm glad to read that your shared sad story, was really telling about someone you know (still sad, though) and not directly about anything directly in your life.

I am finding peace living my life without the unwanted intervention of my disrespectful older sibs, some of their kids, and some of my remaining older relatives.

All the best and bless you.
XO :)
@201 lolorhone: WOW---words to live by. I'm there!
Seriously, you nailed it. I know I will never change my siblings,
or any of the most atrociously spoiled of my parents' grandchildren
(all adults in their 20s now), or elders all stubbornly set in their ways.
I DID make the regrettable mistake of putting my arrogant, male chauvinist
snob of a brother too high on a pedestal for too many years--decades, for god's sake!!--too long. It also didn't help that my elders firmly continued to instill their overused and abused "respect your elders" mantra on me while simultaneously disregarding anything I had to say ['You're just a dumb kid and a loser; what do YOU know? Now take out the garbage'].

Thanks to you and others for your kind, supportive words and inspiration to simply let them go and move on, I am doing just that. By accepting how disappointing these thoughtless people are to be around in person and even talk to long distance, and cutting loose, the pain I had stored for over 40 years (from still foolishly harboring
loyalty to that deeply and unfairly conditioned erroneous belief!) is finally washing away.
Bless you and thank you!
XO :)

Here's what I have to day to DIMI. Instead of being ashamed of the missing fingers, rock them. Don't wear a glove. Rock the hell out of them. Show them off. Be proud of your scars and wounds. They can be a great conversation starter and lots of girls dig that sort of thing the way they dig piercings and tattoos. But they almost never dig self-pity. Unless they're into Morrissey ;-)
I think that as a MWM and having a spouse that is very against novelty or experimenting, I need to hide it from her. Also there is a part of me that has my self image pretty much set on "straight" and my C-D experiments make me feel that if I develop this I might move the needle over toward the TG spectrum. I have written some of my experiences down and when i go back and read them I actually blush.
Thank you for your coments. Did your ex wear like stockings or pantyhose?
@199: HA!

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