Columns Aug 21, 2013 at 4:00 am

Kinky Kid


DIMI, I have a friend who is quadriplegic. He's cute! Because, he got over himself. He had an accident when he was your age, he's now in his 40's, and sure, it took a long time for him to get there.

I know you've had a shitload of harsh advice and I don't mean to add more, but my friend in the wheelchair has got laid more times than you can believe!! Why? He's a cool guy, fun to be around, sassy, f*cks you with his eyes, and that's hot. And we women like that.
Body parts don't matter to a large degree.

Women find different things sexy. Really. Attitude is up there top of the list.
@206, do you and your wife have children together?
@auntiegrizelda: Oh, girlfriend, I can so relate. I have an older brother (rich, star) and two older sisters (right out of Cinderella) and had pretty sick mean parents to boot. My siblings were much older and I looked up to them SO MUCH as a kid.
I'm also in my 40's, female, unmarried, and the scapegoat for the family. It has been a long road.
The worst event of my adult life was my dad's funeral. I was raised Catholic and the first time my brother (orally) raped me I was probably a few weeks old. His high school buddies also orally raped me ('fraid they'd get caught if they went vaginal). Seriously. Hundreds of times.
Didn't have my hymen popped until I was three years old, tied up in my Catholic uncle's foster children's room (I know I know). He (my uncle) did it with a pen. 'Fraid he'd get caught otherwise.
I was called a brat for not observing my bedtime (yeah, big scenes, but who wants to be raped every night) and I was the only child that my parents refused to help with college (still working on the degree).
So, so far in my life I've been pretty poor and miserable and single (trust issues, anyone?) but really thankful that I am smart and beautiful and have not given up.
My dad's funeral was a turning point. I forgave my uncle (had a stoke and was barely lucid but recognized me) and confronted my rapist brother in a loving manner in front of the whole family. I told him that I love him and forgave him, and now I never have to see him again (probably won't go to my mom's funeral, if anyone even bothers to tell me she's passed). My brother, livid, tried to throw me out of the (our mom's) house. I calmly explained to him that it was not his house, I didn't rape me, and that I would not presume to attempt to throw him out. I told him, calmly, that either he could leave or we could all just (awkwardly) hang out. He left with his wife and children and then my sisters turned on me, threw me out, and none of my siblings have spoken to me since.
The injustice hurts, as does having absolutely no family support. I am also (and it sounds like you are too) a creature of extreme loyalty, and I seriously and naively thought that by being open and loving about all the rapes I endured I could help heal the family.
No dice.
It sucks when your biological family is not on your team. But hang in there. You sound amazing. Be ruthless with time and energy stealers. You are worth so much more than any of them.
You are not ever alone.
Wishing you all the best:)
To be fair, losing two and a half fingers at the age of thirteen is probably the worst possible time for it to happen, in terms of its impact on a developing sexuality (specifically, forming an idea of how romance is supposed to work). Adolescents can be so judgmental and cruel. I have little doubt that the disfigured hand was indeed the dealbreaker in any number of failed attempts at juvenile relationships, as well as outright rejections, not to mention plenty of harassment by people who had no interest in relationships in the first place.

And he hasn't had much luck yet, being just 19, because his cohort are just now growing up enough to no longer think the hand a big deal (indeed, to realize that making it into a big deal says some pretty unflattering things about them as human beings).

It Gets Better -- new improved version, now not just for gays!
211-- I disagree. When a group of kids makes fun of a target because the target is missing fingers or is too fat or too thin or has unruly hair or has made a stupid comment in class or is the first one with breasts or maybe the last to get breasts, the target thinks that everything would be alright if only the fingers were there or they were the right weight or if they hadn't made that stupid remark or if menarche had come at a better time. What they don't realize is that if the teasing wasn't for one reason, it would be another.

I agree that adolescents can be judgmental and cruel. I can't see that the disfigured hand was the dealbreaker in failed attempts at relationships. Even in a peer group of 13 year olds, the missing fingers were likely an excuse. That's what I hope this 19 year old learns, that he has to work on other aspects of his personality instead of blaming everything on his hand.
... Crin

Was that meant to be as victim-blamey as it sounded?
Yes, they are on their own and married, but I don't see what children have to do with this? Am I missing something?
sb53@214, if your kids were still at home then you might not want to risk losing full time access to them. But since they're out of the house, the risks of exploring your interests further seem manageable.

"having a spouse that is very against novelty or experimenting, I need to hide it from her."

Is that how you want to spend the rest of your life? Hiding your true interests (whether crossdressing or just a desire to live a little) from the person you live with? If it turns out that you just like to wear panties, many women are fine with that. They may be upset at first, but they don't usually end a marriage over "under-dressing." If it turns out that you'd like to dress more fully as a woman, possibly even in public, then that is more likely to lead to the end of your marriage. But you have to balance that risk against the possibility that you are stifling some part of yourself, the part that wonders if you might belong somewhere on the TG spectrum.

While you're figuring this all out, you might visit the site It's well run, with an emphasis on support and analysis, rather than masturbation fodder or ads.
@210 PavementPrincess: Big ouch!! I'm sorry to read about that!! That's amazing that you could find peace from being so unfairly violated like that, and despite your family members' denial. Who the hell (besides my elders and their contemporaries--my parents, despite quirks and hangups of their own, exempted in this case) officially made being the youngest member of any family a curse? If it hadn't been for my parents at least recognizing my true passions in life and being so lovingly supportive of my dreams, especially in the end, I might have just dropped out of high school, and taken off altogether without telling anybody and never looked back. My older sister once actually did run away to our grandmother's house on a Greyhound bus, but returned home.
The ongoing I'M-the-superstar rivalry between my older sister and brother would be laughable if it wasn't so pathetic. Fortunately, now that I'm no longer there to see it and be made the butt of cruelly tasteless jokes, I can just shrug it off and get on with my life.

Take care, and all the best to you. :)
@Griz You go, girl !

@201 lolorhone

Oh, OK, I fully agree with that meaning.

Yeah, that's what I've been doing for ages, though I've been severely blind and naive on occasions... not in hoping that people would become nicer, but in totally underestimating the very depths to which they could sink.

But I've found society's expectation of my behaviour towards overt or covert agressors to have been the strongest difficulty in setting myself free. Either because society's pressure is higher on females, or because as a person, I'm more attuned to conforming to societal pressure. I've had a hard time with asserting myself, with being able to react forbiddingly to agressions, or with confronting agressors in a non easygoing manner. Severing ties has been easier for me.

Sorry to hear that you had a bad father ; the silver lining is that, because you were able to realize that he was bad, and because you were able to cut him from your life, you will never behave unto others like he did unto you, your mother, your siblings.

From what I've seen around me, people who were raised in abusive surroundings and who never dared to cut ties are the ones who went on to reproduce the abuse - although they do remember how painful the abuse felt, it feels quite normal and even fair to them that the same abuse will happen around them, as long as they're not the victims. I don't know if they've had all empathy destroyed, or if they want their revenge at life by being the abuser this time, or if they think it's "part of life" and their victims are just squeamish to complain - actually, I don't care much for what's inside their heads, since for me, their being abusers erases all the sympathy I would feel for them having been abused.

My experience as a survivor is that getting better goes with allowing oneself to feel rage and anger at abusers and their enablers, and allowing oneself to express those feelings freely. There is no "loving way to confront them". I'm uneasy with a survivor of childhood sexual abuse reacting this way, but I don't know everything in this world...

So, the best I can do is to direct you to RAINN :

Also, maybe watch Festen (I've not seen it from fear of being triggered, but a friend, who is a survivor, told me it felt cathartic)…

You demonstrably have not had your empathy destroyed.

And The Celebration (Festen) is a brilliant film; there is a fair amount of humor to it. But it is definitely hard to watch in places.
Young soldier loses two legs finds a wife.…

part of Finger man's issue is simply age and life experience. Hopefully his poor attitude will mellow out. Then and only then will he be able to get dates.
@217 & @218 sissoucat: GO, girl!! We are so on the same page!
You just hit on the very core reason as to why I realized my need to move on: There really isn't a healthy, productive way to lovingly confront those who have repeatedly and cruelly hurt us, for whatever their reasons. The bottom line is, WE have grown, blossomed, and changed for the better upon realizing that we can, and they haven't.

The majority of abusers fears and abhors the very idea of losing their former victims and that their old bullying tactics no longer work. They don't want the abused to ever figure this out, and abusers equate this newly established level of growth and maturity to those wisely choosing to end such toxic relationships to the Apocalypse. It's the end of the abuser's distorted idea of the world and how it should be, and why most abusers will become desperate trying to locate their fleeing victim(s) and violently retaliate. It's also why it's usually so hard for many of the abused to leave such bad relationships.

You're right, too, in also mentioning our society's views of men and women, which very often doesn't help the situation and even fuels the fire. In one example, repressive social observations can make life infinitely harder on a woman, possibly with children, who has no choice but to leave a physically violent boyfriend / spouse / partner / significant other for the sake of her own health, safety, peace of mind, and that of her kids--even if she has nowhere to go and no means to support herself and her family.
@219 lolorhone (and sissoucat): Okay--now I have to go see this movie, The Celebration, even if some scenes might also be painful for me to watch. It sounds like the film's plot hits close to home for me.

My aging, terminally ill father gathered us adult siblings around for one last family meeting, too, before he joined our mother two months later.
Here's a bemusing sib-related Griz update many of you might enjoy (I did, because it proves that cutting loose really IS the right choice for me):

After emailing and calling my siblings to let them know I wouldn't be able to make it to the annual family picnic again this year, my oldest sister and sister-in-law called me on two separate occasions to verbally chew me out. Their exact same lines of mother-hen rebuke were, as follows:
"You should make a better effort to come to next year's family picnic, blah, blah, blah.'

My oldest sib wouldn't elaborate further as to exactly why it was so urgent for me to loyally attend any future clambakes, but my guess is that she's mad that she didn't have a free all-day babysitter and dog-watcher she'd anticipated dumping on. My sis-in-law, however, had reasons of her own that I found interestingly out of touch:
"The family circle is getting smaller' and that [I] '...wouldn't want to miss out on such precious remaining family memories...'
I guess my oldest sis and sis-in-law got stuck with the KP, fetching, and carrying this year. Sounds like the chiefs are having to appoint some new indians among the CEOs all of a sudden. How about that.

Anyway, if I can laugh about this, I know I'm healing, growing, and certainly doing the right thing.
@223: Griz, no offense, but your siblings sound like royally officious user assholes you're well rid of. I'm glad you can laugh about them now.
223 Griz-- I've been trying to stay out of this, but my curiosity has gotten the best of me. What did your sister-in-law say when you told her that you wouldn't mind getting together with the family but that you're no longer available to babysit or do any cooking or cleaning? (I left out not wanting to be dog-watcher. Spending time with a dog is COOL!)
@Crinoline, in my family it's a lot easier not to show up than to refuse requests once there. Unhealthy family dynamics are sticky.
@224 lolorhone: It's all I CAN do. It helps to draw cartoons about my disrespectful sibs and relatives (with the exception of the few good ones---my parents and a few others) at their most outrageous (picture a MAD magazine TV or movie satire about a dysfunctional family).

@225 Crinoline: EricaP @226 summed it right up perfectly. In my family, if you're a dog-lover, that's great, but unless you absolutely just LOVE to be jumped all over, licked half to death, get your crotch fully invaded by an overly curious nose, bum-rushed by three shaggy versions of Larry, Curly and Moe demanding a "car ride" as you try to step out of your car, and are about to go deaf from their ear-shattering barking because my sisters' fully undisciplined canines (my clueless sisters' faults, not the dogs') also seem to require 200% undivided attention, family gatherings like mine aren't much fun. This is probably why I'm more of a cat person, myself.
My sisters really don't know when to stop playing Driscilla and Anastacia.
And with them it's not requests--it's more like orders, and I'm supposed to just click heels and love it without saying a word.

@226: Thank you, EricaP for nailing my warranted reasons for avoiding any further family "get-togethers" (i.e., picnics at parks or beaches, like what my brother always wants). Spot on!!
auntie grizelda - glad to help out! I feel much the same way you do, though I think my situation is much less extreme. I like to think of the old saying, "family are those people you would never see again if they weren't your family."
@228 EricaP: You're fortunate to have much closer family ties than I do with my surviving sibs and older relatives.
Thanks again--great to hear from you.
XO :)
I would totally bang a finger-challenged person. We all have our own deformities, whether visible or internal. Sounds like DIMI definitely needs to choose some hobbies/activities that allow him to work up some self-esteem and self-respect, and get him to a point where he can take that courageous leap from the pity train back to reality. Sounds like maybe someone he was pining after returned his stares of affection with stares of disgust… and that has got to be the shittiest feeling in the world. Sorry DIMI, some people just suck.
To the parent of the kid who was experimenting with baby diapers;

TREAD CAREFULLY. Don't make assumptions. He actually could be experimenting with diapers. Diapers are weird, right? How strange is it that you can wear one, and wee whilst standing?

Maybe he finds that hilarious/strange/interesting?

When I was 14 I used to love mixing vinegar and baking soda, and then watching the resulting foam explosion. I threw it all in the toilet. I must have done it 50 times.

As an adult, things can get boring a lot more quickly, once we have all the information. But to a kid, the weirdest things can seem super fun.

If you attempt to medicalise his behaviour in too invasive a way, too early on, you might fuck him up.
RE missing fingers guy: I was hooking up with a guy a couple years ago and I didn't notice he was missing his ring finger until he told me. he fingered me WITH THE STUMP and I didn't notice. maybe reason children fear you is that you're doing whatever the lower-key version is of Buster Bluth's "I'M A MONSTEEEEEEEER" all the time...
I can't believe how many people in Seattle are or know someone who has lost one or more fingers, it is truly amazing. I tried to respond to Dan's column but quickly realized that missing a finger from each hand just wasn't good enough...

Seriously though, God bless you guys and your friends and family! I love hearing all the inspirational stories. And I hope that our 19 yo friend, upon whom the whole discussion is based, finds himself...
There are so many people on here saying, "I dated a guy without fingers and it didn't bother me at all!" that I'm sorely tempted to say,

Hey DIMI. Your missing fingers turn my stomach. I will never sleep with you. I only want a whole man.

Just because it's hard to resist messing with someone that whiny and self-pitying.

Except that that one comment would probably negate all of the other MTFU comments he's gotten.

So I shall refrain ;)
Rahm Emmanuel has a disfigured hand and he's sexy as hell.
To DIMI - I was born with a mild cleft lip. I have a small scar, its noticeable to some... some people stare when they talk to me, others don't even notice.

As a teenager, it was hard, I was different, and I focused on it TONS.
But now in my late 20's, I have a smokin' hot wife, she doesn't care or notice the scar.

Live with who you are, and embrace it.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm a woman with an incurable spinal deformity. You can see it when I am wearing clothes.

I have an open long-term relationship with a very hot, intelligent and very wonderful male partner. I also have various male and female lovers from time to time. I have a great sex life!

You need to view your disfigurement as an asshole filter..anyone who has a problem with's their problem!

I'd rather have an imperfect body than be an asshole. I can choose my attitude - I can't do anything much about the physical issue except yoga and the exercises from my physio.

This is your one life - see what you can do with it! You may surprise yourself even :)
Dude missing the fingers - if I found a guy that was nice, funny, and seemed like he'd treat me well? A few missing fingers would NOT matter. At all. Sure, I'd notice them - I'm not blind - but after the first date or so, they'd fall right off the radar, just like when you meet someone with a funky birth mark or a ginormous nose. You start to know, and SEE, the person - not the nose or the lack of fingers. IF you're still worried, just be sure to hold a drink or something in front of you, so the lady in question can quickly notice that you're missing bits and decide if she wants to move on. :)
A lot of possess ruined the particular patchy, not whole condition connected with sexual intercourse education and learning within schools, and We agree with these wholeheartedly.
for fuck sakes the kid is not a kleptomaniac, he's 14 and embarrassed to be seen buying diapers in public where his peers may see him, if you want to be truly kind, make him pay for them but buy them online or somewhere where no one will associate the diapers are for him, And for a the idiot who accused the kid of being a pedophile, maybe we need to look at you closer, you sure seem to know a lot about nothing, and have an obsession with little girls

    Please wait...

    Comments are closed.

    Commenting on this item is available only to members of the site. You can sign in here or create an account here.

    Add a comment

    By posting this comment, you are agreeing to our Terms of Use.