MONDAY, AUGUST 19 This week of musical humps, judgey judgments, and applause-worthy acts of God kicks off in Central Florida with reports of a massive riot at a juvenile detention facility that destroyed 18 buildings, caused hundreds of thousands of dollars in property damage, and resulted in the hospitalization of seven teens. Trouble started at the Avon Park Youth Academy, a 144-bed facility that houses male teens ages 16 to 19, on Saturday night around 8:30 p.m. "when the losing team in a 'friendly' game of basketball refused to live up to their end of a bet," reports "The losers apparently weren't willing to part with the agreed upon prize: their three 'cups of noodles.'" That small beef between teams quickly spread to the entire detention facility. "Teens fought each other, broke glass, set fires, and played demolition derby with staff golf carts," reports the Tampa Bay Times. In the end, it took 150 law enforcement officials—including sheriff's deputies, a SWAT team, air support, Florida Fish and Wildlife officers, the Florida Highway Patrol, and K-9 tracking units—to quell the riot and evacuate the detention center. The Times notes, "No academy staff members or law enforcement officers were hurt, and no inmates escaped." It is unclear what became of the cups of noodles.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 20 Today brings news that Mormon-run Cedar Fort Publishing canceled publication of the young adult fantasy novel Woven days before it was scheduled to go to press. In a statement released on, the novel's two authors explain that their book's cancellation had nothing to do with its content, but rather with the bio of coauthor Michael Jensen, which lovingly referenced his "partner." The publisher refused to print the reference, because not even in the fantasy books of their own creation are gay people allowed to live proud, open, loving lives. After some back-and-forth with editors, Jensen called Cedar Fort owner Lyle Mortimer to ask why he was being treated differently from his heterosexual coauthor (whose wife was referenced in his own bio). "The conversation really devolved quickly," Jensen explains on the website. "Lyle started yelling about my 'agenda' and how I was trying to destroy families. He even started saying inappropriate things about how God had given me a penis for a reason." There is a bright side to this otherwise stupid, hateful story: Within days, 41 Mormon authors will sign an open letter demanding publishers base their decisions on "content, quality, and commercial viability, not on any other factor," reports the Salt Lake Tribune.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 21 Speaking of God, apparently He was no bigger fan of our last pope than anyone else with a glancing grasp of history. Among other gaffes, during his eight years as the mouthpiece o' God, Pope Benedict XVI (né Joseph Ratzinger) pardoned a Holocaust denier and was widely accused of downplaying sexual abuse of children at the hands of priests. Today, the ex-pope revealed that God pushed him to resign. As the Guardian reports, "Benedict... said he had undergone a 'mystical experience' during which God had inspired in him an 'absolute desire' to dedicate his life to prayer rather than push on as pope." A heartfelt thanks to God for that.

•• Giving busy beavers a run for their money, today God zapped a worker at a Kentucky creationism museum with lightning while he was handling a zip line. "The electricity generated by the lightning knocked him down and caused some concern," the Creation Museum's Mike Zovath told, adding that the employee survived with little more than a numb arm. Had lightning struck the dinosaur wing of a natural history museum, creationists would most likely chalk the zapping up to God's judgment, so it's only fair to infer from this instance that God hates creationism, zip lines, or both.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 22 One day after being sentenced to 35 years in prison for leaking thousands of classified government documents to WikiLeaks, today army private Bradley Manning announced a desire to begin hormone treatment and live as a woman. "As I transition into this next phase of my life, I want everyone to know the real me. I am Chelsea Manning. I am female," Manning wrote in a statement that was largely met with confusion and scorn. Many media outlets decided to ignore Manning's request, including NBC, NPR, USA Today, the AP, the Boston Globe, Politico, CNN, Fox, the New York Daily News, the New York Post, the Daily Beast, the Los Angeles Times, and the New York Times, which all continued using the masculine pronoun when referring to Manning (NPR, the AP, and the New York Times will reverse their policies in the coming days). Meanwhile, politicians and Twitter mobs accused Manning of everything from mental illness and attention whoring to switching genders to get into a women's prison. Manning's lawyer, David Coombs, told the Associated Press that Manning "does not want sex-reassignment surgery and expects to be kept with men in prison," CBS News reports, but that she was hoping the military prison at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, would allow hormone therapy "since Manning had been diagnosed with gender-identity disorder by an army psychiatrist who testified" during her trial. Coombs added that Manning knew the name and gender change may cause confusion, and that Manning expects to be referred to as Bradley when it has to do with events prior to her sentencing, her court-martial appeal, her request for a presidential pardon—even her mail. Sadly, the media's and the public's reaction to Manning's gender and pronoun change detracts from the real news—that a whistle-blower intent on exposing the horrible things our government has done, including authorizing an Apache helicopter attack in Baghdad that killed two Reuters journalists and numerous civilians, has been condemned as a traitor.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 23 In lighter news, today Ireland celebrated its first legal abortion since the gruesome October death of Savita Halappanavar, the pregnant woman who died slowly from sepsis after being refused an abortion in the devoutly Catholic country. Like Halappanavar, the Irish Times reports that the woman, who was 18 weeks pregnant with twins, exhibited ruptured membranes and was demonstrating signs of sepsis. Unlike Halappanavar, "the National Maternity Hospital patient has made a good recovery after receiving antibiotic treatment and undergoing the termination," the Times states.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 24 Last week, Last Days reported on a 26-year-old man who, while attending a concealed-carry gun class with his wife, was shot in the arm by the instructor. The incident prompted this Mad Libs call to arms: "Getting shot by a gun-safety instructor is like getting [BLANKED] by a [BLANK]!!!" Here are the best reader responses: "like getting fucked by the pope," "like getting knocked up by your abstinence-education teacher," "like getting executed by a pro-lifer," and our personal favorite, "like getting sodomized by Vladimir Putin." Thanks for playing, everyone!

SUNDAY, AUGUST 25 Nothing happened today, unless you count Miley Cyrus's half-naked prime-time hump at the MTV Music Video Awards. recommended

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