MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 9 This week of grim anniversaries, vicious obituaries, and criminally bad boyfriends kicks off in Seattle, where early this morning a woman went in search of Doritos and wound up a suspect in a hot nacho-cheese attack. As Jonah Spangenthal-Lee recounts at the police-report-compiling SPD Blotter, the incident went down just before one a.m., when a woman entered a 7-Eleven in West Seattle and bought a bag of Doritos, which she then opened and began filling with liquid chili cheese from the store's dispenser. "When the clerk informed the woman he would have to charge her for the cheese, she flew into a rage and began screaming at the man, before she threw the cheese-filled bag at his head, spattering him with hot orange goo," writes Spangenthal-Lee. "The victim called 911 and officers arrived to find the man with cooling cheese on his hat and face. The victim told officers he believed the suspect—a black female, about 35 years old, wearing large hoop earrings and a grey sweatsuit—is a regular at the store. The clerk was not seriously injured."

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10 In worse news, the week continues in Florida, where a woman is living through a contender for the worst breakup ever. Details come from CNN, which identifies our protagonist as Remee Lee, a 26-year-old woman who was reportedly "madly in love" with her boyfriend, 28-year-old John Welden, when she suspected she might be pregnant. "They went together for a sonogram at Welden's father's Tampa-area clinic," reports CNN. "The test showed she was six weeks pregnant. Despite her boyfriend's reluctance, Lee planned to have the baby." Things were fine until a few days after the sonogram, when Welden told Lee her blood tests had revealed an infection that required amoxicillin, which he then provided her. "After she took only one pill, Lee was rushed to the hospital with abdominal pain and bleeding," reports CNN. "She lost the baby. When doctors inspected the pills, it was discovered that they were not antibiotics, but abortion pills." Indicted under the federal Unborn Victims of Violence Act, John Welden appeared in court earlier this week, where he pleaded guilty to killing the couple's unborn baby, for which he faces up to 13 years in prison. "Every day is a nightmare for me ever since this began," Remee Lee told CNN's Chris Cuomo. "Even hearing the guilty [plea]... it's hard to believe it."

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 11 Nothing happened today, unless you count the 12th anniversary of the worst day in contemporary American history, when Islamic jihadists hijacked four commercial flights, crashing the planes into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and a field in Pennsylvania, killing nearly 3,000 people, as well as 19 piece-of-shit hijackers. Today, this awful anniversary was commemorated by millions of Americans, and exploited by a handful of clueless-and-worse businesses. Top of the list: AT&T, which produced an ad showing an image of the 9/11 Memorial "Tribute in Light" on the screen of a Blackberry Z10, alongside the phrase "Never forget." Runner-up: the Wisconsin golf course offering nine holes of golf for $9.11, which the golf course owners originally defended as a significant 9/11 tribute before agreeing to donate today's profits to a 9/11 memorial fund.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 12 In lighter news, the week continues with a story that doesn't involve the murder of 3,000 people for an insane religious ideal. At the center of today's tale: Marianne Theresa Johnson-Reddick, a woman who spent eight years as a Catholic nun before she married and gave birth to six children, living out her life in Nevada before dying on August 30 at age 78. In response to their mother's death, two of Johnson-Reddick's adult children wrote an obituary, which was published this past Tuesday in the Reno Gazette-Journal and soon went viral. "[Our mother] spent her lifetime torturing in every way possible," read the obit. "Everyone she met, adult or child was tortured by her cruelty and [exposed] to violence, criminal activity, vulgarity, and hatred of the gentle or kind human spirit. On behalf of her children whom she so abrasively exposed to her evil and violent life, we celebrate her passing from this earth and hope she lives in the after-life reliving each gesture of violence, cruelty, and shame that she delivered on her children. Her surviving children will now live the rest of their lives with the peace of knowing their nightmare finally has some form of closure." Speaking to the Daily Mail, 58-year-old Patrick Reddick—son of Marianne and coauthor of the obituary—said the toxic memorial was intended to shame his dead mother, whom he claims beat all her children from infancy and forced them to sleep on the floor while she ran a prostitution business out of their home. "We wanted people doing this to their kids to ask themselves: 'Do you want this to be your legacy? Do you want this to be your obituary?'" said Patrick Reddick to the Daily Mail, adding that he and his siblings are planning a celebration at the end of the month.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 13 In worse news, the week continues with a heartbreaking tragedy in Seattle. Our setting: Pioneer Square, where tonight 46-year-old Troy Wolff was walking with his 30-year-old girlfriend after a Sounders game. As KOMO reports, the pair was "suddenly confronted by a man who pulled out a small knife and began stabbing [Wolff's girlfriend] repeatedly in the torso... Wolff attempted to intervene, and the suspect turned on him and began stabbing him repeatedly in the neck and torso." Upon being rushed to the hospital, the 30-year-old woman was listed in serious condition, and Troy Wolff—chairman of the English department at Shoreline Community College, where he'd taught for 17 years—was pronounced dead. Tomorrow, the 44-year-old suspect will be booked into King County Jail for investigation of murder. "Police said there are indications that the suspect was operating at a diminished mental capacity," reports KOMO. Condolences to all, including the mental-health-service-cutting politicians who must have trouble sleeping these days.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 14 Nothing happened today, unless you count the continuation of the 2013 Washington State Fair in Puyallup, the glorious annual explosion of farm animals, deep fryers, and gravitational fuckery that will forever be delightful (especially in the post-I-502 era). The last day of this year's fair is Sunday, September 22. Comport yourselves accordingly.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 15 Nothing happened today, unless you count Nina Davuluri becoming the first contestant of Indian heritage to be crowned Miss America, or Seattle's team beating San Francisco's team in a game of football.

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