Columns Oct 9, 2013 at 4:00 am

The Coast

Comments

121
I grew up in Nova Scotia and The Coast is an excellent paper! It's where I discovered your column and it was the first thing I read each week and the only article I read if I was short on time. Just want to say: Thanks!

Natasha Fox http://sexyfunnypicoftheday.blogspot.com…
122
I grew up in Nova Scotia and The Coast is how I discovered your column! Must have been a good ten years ago. Great paper. I always read your column first and only your column if I was short on time. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks! Here's to another ten.

Natasha Fox http://sexyfunnypicoftheday.blogspot.com…
123
@117. I did speak up.
124
Excuse me, I liked Guinness the first time I had a glass of it. And I'm not even much of a beer person!
That said, I've never sucked cock, nor do I have any plans to, so I can't comment on the validity of the analogy.
125
@120 wife,

Have fun!

Peace
127
@126 Still, I can't help but feel that a het monogamously with a bi will have some angst that the het can't satisfy some fundamental desires of the bi.

I am, and I don't.
130
Dan's right about not spelling words differently when there's a sexual connotation.

Oh... except for the word "cum." "Cum" is fine. In fact, it's great.
131
@ 128: I think you are right. Of course there are superhumans, and then there are people having a personal stake in the issue who will deny this, the more vehemently sometimes the more desperate the need to convince themselves of it.

I'm not a superhuman. I am, however, a het person in an essentially monogamous relationship with a bi person. I also don't experience the angst you seem bizarrely certain that everyone in my position must experience, nor do I have a personal stake in the issue.

What I do have, instead, is an honest relationship with my wife, and a high degree of trust in it. Based on extensive experience, I trust that if Mrs. Eu has an itch that isn't getting scratched, she'll say so and we'll do something about it. That's not being superhuman, that's being honest and marrying someone you can trust to do the same.

I have plenty of insecurities, for the record, just not that one.
132
For the LW, most posters seemed to support avast's advice @72:
I just think you need to be honest about your motivations...You need to be prepared for him to want to continue to be extremely monogamous, at which point fall back to Plan B (fantasizing about him, rather than acting on it).

In case her husband is the kind of bi Hunter worries about, she can offer to open the marriage just for that, either as an MMF threesome, or with him coming home from MM play and sharing some of the excitement with her vicariously. If he still says no to any of that, then he's not that kind of bi.
134
@133: What's the relevance--in either case, how is it not identical to being married to someone who is attracted both to blondes and to brunettes?

Bisexuality means the number of people you might want to fuck is twice as large; it seems to have no bearing on the number of people you feel you must fuck.

My lack of (this particular) insecurity has absolutely nothing to do with what I do or don't fantasize about. Fantasies have no inherent insecurity-destroying power; fantasizing about something doesn't mean I actually want my wife to do it, just as people who have rape fantasies are not also incapable of fearing rape.

What does have insecurity-destroying power is communication and trust. Neither of those things requires that you be a hetero man with a bixesual female partner.
135
Attention, Attention, with regards to the LW with the newly Bi husband:

Read @120!!!

Not much changed, since still monogamous Bi husband, but still....

Peace
136
@Eudaemonic: What I do have, instead, is an honest relationship with my wife, and a high degree of trust in it ... What does have insecurity-destroying power is communication and trust... if Mrs. Eu has an itch that isn't getting scratched, she'll say so and we'll do something about it.

This seems a bit circular. If Mrs Eu starts developing serious crushes on ladies, tells you about them, and says she wants to pursue them, would you feel insecure at that point? If you're the monogamous sort, don't you now have good reason to be insecure?

I don't think relationships survive based on trust and communication alone. There are also pesky things such as sexual chemistry, compatibility, and circumstance that come into play, all of which can change over time.
137
@Eudaemonic:
P.S. To be clear, I'm talking about relationships in general, not questioning yours specifically.
138
@136 seandr,

"I don't think relationships survive based on trust and communication alone. There are also pesky things such as sexual chemistry, compatibility, and circumstance that come into play, all of which can change over time."

...and that is just the beginning of many aspects of life in a relationship. For those reasons, how much could go wrong, I am learning to be more and more thankful for what goes right.

Peace
139
Oh, naughty Mr Savage. This merits some time in the Penalty Box.
140
The drinking age in Canada is 19. The province of Alberta is the exception (a province is like a state).
142
@136: If Mrs Eu starts developing serious crushes on ladies, tells you about them, and says she wants to pursue them, would you feel insecure at that point? If you're the monogamous sort, don't you now have good reason to be insecure?

The "if" part is important. If Mrs. Eu started developing serious crushes on ladies, in ways that were threatening to our marriage, then I would start feeling insecure.

Unless and until that happens, I do not. See the distinction? The insecurity Hunter refers to seems to be only possible if you don't trust your partner to tell you if they want something you're not providing.

If that happened, then I'd have good reason to be insecure. Until then, I do not; the mere fact of her bisexuality isn't enough. And even then, it wouldn't be the fact of bisexuality that made me insecure; exactly the same would happen if she started developing crushes on other guys.

The insecurity to which Hunter78 refers seems to rely on not knowing whether you're enough or not, which can only happen if you don't believe your partner would tell you if you weren't enough.
143
Hi Dan, love your column. Hi folks. This is totally off topic, but I'm worried about a child's safety. The "Christian" Broadcasting Network ran a half-baked story this morning about a transgendered child using the girl's room at his high school: http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/us/2013/Octob… It was fed to CBN by the "Pacific Justice Institute," which exists solely to incite homophobia. CBN has run a number of their hair-brained "news items," and now this one has been picked up by every hateracious "Christian" site on the Internet. There are people on the CBN comment board badmouthing the poor kid all over the place, and even making threats in the form of "If he ever touched my daughter," blah blah blah. I've called the school, the school board, and the Colorado Board of Education to let them know this is going on...what else do we do? What else do we do? These creeps have really crossed a line here, going after a kid and doing everything but publishing her name! Thanks for listening...I was just sitting here fuming about it, and then it dawned on me...contact Dan!
144
And PS...I'm so sorry; of course I meant HER high school! And the full URL is as follows:
http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/us/2013/Octob…
145
@Eudaemonic: Got it - bisexuality in and of itself doesn't pose a threat to monogamy, and a monogamous person shouldn't feel insecure when a trusted and open bisexual partner tells them they have nothing to worry about. Thanks for clarifying.

I stand by my earlier point - takes more than trust and communication to make a relationship go - but that was tangential to the point you were making.
146
Liking both, or even wanting both, doesn't necessarily mean that you need both.
147
Mr. Ven @ 93 - a true gentleman would not allow you to stumble!
148
@115 EricaP: Okay. I'm turning on my Thelma and Louise DVD this weekend and getting out some munchies!!
Yep..yep..that's him goin'....I looooooooove watchin' him go.......
Hmmmmmm.....maybe it's also a good weekend for hair coloring......?
He IS a particularly delicious little fantasy!
149
@148 Grizelda,

Welllll?

I don't know about chocolate, but coffee carries through (in female exudate). ;-)

Peace
150
It's not just what one ingests that affects the taste and smell. Imagine my shock to experience that certain hair colour brands and depilatories also worked their way through to secretions.

OTOH, apparently pineapple seems to be a Very. Good. Thing.
152
#2's BF has broken up with her 10 times. If she takes him back, it'll be for the 10th time. Dan says don't take him back a 12th time. Okay, this is it buddy... you have TWO last chances!
153
Oh, for goodness sakes, Dan. Surely you know diet affects semen flavor. How to make cum taste better? Eat plenty of fresh fruit. Pineapple works especially well. Things to avoid: smoking, asparagus.
154
@ 145: I stand by my earlier point - takes more than trust and communication to make a relationship go - but that was tangential to the point you were making.

Yeah. Trust and communication also characterizes my relationship with, say, my dentist, and I don't think he and I are going to get married any time soon.
155
@139 - I'm sure you'd just love to put Dan in a penalty box...and inflict whatever penalties came into your head ;-)

Cheers!
156
@149 Married in MA: Sorry---my weekend turned extra busy, and I did not carry out my "taste test" experiment--yet. *sigh*.
I do drink morning coffee--black with nothing in it. Is that supposed to leave a bad taste? I guess I'll find out.

But I DID get around to coloring my hair (natural dark auburn), and have stocked up on munchies! Another DVD viewing of Thelma & Louise will indeed be savored tonight!
Geena had a great hairdresser in that flick!
157
By the way, and although once again I'm swerving off topic again, I just had to add that I LOVE the poster Griz, the Rebel Tour at the Showbox on Friday, October 18th. LOL It's a funny coincidence of sharing the same abbreviated name on Blog.
i guess I can be somewhat rebellious when I wanna be.

@149: More later.

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