Sissou - can you leave your children with a third party, like a relative, from whom your ex can then pick them up? That way you don't have to deal with him directly. I have a friend with a very toxic ex who does this.

Also, I learned when I was a foster mom not to send a child on a visit with anything you can't afford to lose. Three years ago, I prepared very carefully for my foster daughter's holiday visit to her long-divorced grandparents, making separate bags of stuff for each household, so no one would have to go digging in the other person's bag. I sent a pair of shoes in each bag, and had her wear a pair of boots, since it was snowy in their part of town. She returned 2 days later with only one pair of shoes, which wasn't either of the pairs I sent her with!

She's all mine now, thank goodness!

@seandr, nocutename, Still Thinking : Thanks for being there... It's hard now. No, I don't have any relatives around, and the friends I have already give me lots of support, I don't feel I can ask that from them on top of everything else.

My kids do have a separate drawer for clothes to wear when going to their father's, including shoes - but when one's kid's gets hurt right before school, seriously who thinks about how the bandage might get stolen when the father will pick him up from school in the afternoon ? I bandaged the kid and drove him to school, and now there's another $10 I won't see again.

I'm off to see a lawyer. Hopefully this one will show up to court.

@75 Married in MA: Sounds good! Are you SURE you won't share your recipe? I do miss enjoying really good sourdough and lasagna, but only on the condition that it is gluten and sugar free---and low in carbs, too, if possible. The addition of spinach sounds great! Yum!
@92 sappho: Yeah--I know, huh?--everything that's supposed to be the healthiest for us costs so !@#$ing much, doesn't it?? But I'll gladly pay the price of good organic, gluten & sugar free foods over the staggering cost of GMOs laden with crap that can result in insulin shots, hydrocortisone treatments, etc., etc., later on for heart disease, diabetes, and / or strokes and god knows what else that's bad!

@74 & @107 sissoucat: I am SO sorry---first, not to see your posts so late in the blog, and second, to hear about your nightmarish troubles with your ex! As you know, I'm childless, but certainly can and do empathetically feel your pain otherwise. You're in my deepest thoughts and prayers. I hope it works out for you and your children.
All the best, and may you and your family heal soon, finding joy and peace.
Griz

p.s. It has officially been twelve years as of yesterday since my divorce finalized. I have not kept in touch with my ex for obvious reasons. He and his second wife and any children they may have had together have since moved to another state. Onward and upward.

@106 sissoucat: Sorry--make that re: your post @106.

I have GOT to remember to go to bed earlier!
Good night all.
XO

@104 Still Thinking,

As one of those 6'+ jockish types, let me say "Sorry".

Suffice it to say, I've developed a rule of thumb about alcohol: never drink unless I'm happy (and by drink I mean more than a beer). NOT indulging in excessive amounts of a poisonous depressant seems to help my mood a lot more than having to apologize to my best friends for turning them into involuntary sparring partners.

Peace

sissoucat @106: I'm so sorry you have to deal with that bullshit- I watched my mother have to do the same with my father after the divorce. We shuttled to his place on the weekends, where he spent most of the time berating my mother in absentia and then berating me and my brother for listening to her. Eventually- after a spectacular eruption of abusive dickery on his part- we both decided we didn't want to spend our weekends with him ever again (we were teenagers at this point). She was free after that, only seeing him occasionally and never in the context of exchanging custody. Here's hoping something similar happens with you, sooner rather than later.

Still Thinking @104: Wow, are all those lanky, overly tall jockish types out of their fucking minds? 5 or 6 years ago I worked with one incredibly hot one who had recently gotten out of the Marines (which should have been a red flag, I know). Suffice to say, the fourth time in two months I walked him home from the bar he'd just gotten kicked out of with his arm around my shoulders as he alternately wept about fallen comrades and propositioned me for a quickie in the bushes, I was pretty much done. I see him around on occasion and he's still hot, but I only have room for my own crazy these days.

Ms Cute - You get the Spark references also. I'm sorry you aren't an admirer of Rumpole.

Ms Driasis - Maybe you should be worried if you ever did.

Ms Sissou - Your experience certainly justifies your attitude towards reproductive caution. May you have all the fortitude of Fanny Price when you require it.

@Grizelda, lolorhone, vennominon : Thanks guys, I apreciate your kind words. I'm not too strong right now, but I'm trying to "tchembé raid, pa molli" as they say in creole.

sissoucat: portland scribe had solid advice for you @90, looks like you may have missed it. I'll add my own hugs & sympathy as well.

I think you come down a little too hard on WTBR. He wants to acknowledge this person's loss, but he is also sensitive to what might be a delicate situation. The fact that he is concerned about both issues is commendable. Perhaps he is making much ado about nothing, but he deserves props for thinking of it.

Dan doesn't seem to understand what an executor is. It does not mean that nephew inherited the gear. It means it's nephew's job to dispose of uncle's property as his intent is expressed in the will. So just giving it away might not be an option. Someone else might be entitled to money from the sale.

@Erica P, thanks! I've enjoyed reading your thoughtful posts as well.

@Sissoucat, if you have a lawyer who's not showing up in court...Gawd. I can't imagine how hopeless that makes you feel.But don't give up. Have you ever seen the website AVVO.com? You can get free online advice from lawyers in your county/city. You ask a question and they'll respond, usually with the caveat "always consult your attorney" but they do go into detail, including follow-up questions. The reason they do this is to find clients...oftentimes people end up hiring the advice-giver. Which is not a bad idea. You get a bunch of up-front information for free, and you can gauge the intelligence and work ethic of the lawyers who answer.
How old are your children? Are they close to the age of opting out of dad visits? If not, I'd keep chipping away at gathering evidence to show he's unfit. Stealing a kid's bandage, for starters, is negligent at the very least. Hang in there, kid.

@115 EricaP: Oh, WOW---I missed @90 portland scribe's post, too!!
It really is right on the money. Thanks for pointing that out!

@106 / @114: sissoucat: portland scribe's got sound advice.
It's best to have someone with you when you pick up your kids,
for several reasons: your abusive ex cannot isolate you, or use
your children as pawns in this ugly situation if there's another
party there to witness his inexcusable behavior, and another
person can also help catch and document what's going on.
You're in my deepest thoughts and prayers. I was once in a similar
situation, too.
Whoa---your current lawyer isn't showing up for court? Yikes!!
More beneficial advice from portland scribe @118! Kudos!

One more thing: although I'm well aware that your situation is much different (despite some similarities) than mine was back in the day, largely because you also have your children's welfare to consider as well as your own, but how would you like to make your ex-from-hell cringe, especially in public? Speak softly (never yell back; abusers WANT that) when he's spewing garbage at you, and always look him directly in the eye when asserting yourself. The last time I ever saw my (then soon-to- be) ex was at my attorney's office. I still can't believe he actually spilled that he'd already met someone online (right in front of my attorney, BEFORE our divorce even finalized five days later!). I really hope that can at least partially help your situation, and so that you and your kids can get on with your lives. I really feel for you, sissoucat!
My divorce was fortunately settled out of court. I can't imagine you and your children having to be in a courtroom!

Just remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
XO, :)
Griz

Re: @119 to further clarify: What I meant by similar [in my case, by comparison] was that I also once had to leave an abusive relationship.
Regardless of the circumstances, nobody should ever have to go through the hell of domestic violence.

CACA's incredibly stupid remark-- I mean, deeply, monumentally, 'lets shut down the government' stupid remark-- is merely the nail that her boyfriend is hanging all his unfinished business with his late ex on. He's so deep in that pain he probably has no clear idea of what he's doing, or why.

Boyfriend isn't going to begin to heal until he deals with that unfinished business, what ever it may be. He may just need to acknowledge to himself that he truly loved this person, or may need to deal with the fact that he should have loved her more. I think the moment she said what she said, he realized his late partner, whatever their issues, was the better mate. Regardless, I think she's proved to him that she is NOT the supportive partner he needs in a time of crisis, so he probably is looking for an exit.

Let me explain how you help someone grieve: you wrap your arms around them, you say "I'm so sorry", and you let them cry or swear or scream or do what ever the hell they want to do for as long as they want to do it. You sure as fuck don't pass any judgement on their emotions or the relationship they had with the deceased, because no matter how much you think you know, unless you were in the relationship, you DON'T KNOW.

I recently lost a man I'd been very much in love with. The feelings were not mutual, and the fact that we managed to move past that and build a strong friendship-- the best friend I'll ever have-- is a tribute to us both. It's been two months, and I still cry pretty much every day. I'm very grateful that my partner [and love of my life] understands the grieving process better than CACA does.

GOOD LORD, CACAS needs to drop this guy like a HOT POTATO ... i feel strongly about this. As per the letter, CACAS only said, “I don’t know how to help you grieve” ... To me this is OBVIOUSLY a cautiously worded statement. THIS IS IN NO WAY “a stupid thing to say”. CACAS is making WAY TOO MANY excuses for this guy. CACAS did not say, “Good thing the BITCH IS DEAD!” Red flags are everywhere here. He talked trash about his ex (while she was alive), and now he’s talking trash about CACAS. Other red flags are, a friends “crash place”. I fear its worse than that this guy wants out. The Jerkwad makes out with a chick with CACAS (again) makes excuses that they got “so drunk”. NO ONE should have to make “excuse after excuse”, for a partner. Often times, “Water seeks its own level”; and this jerkwads water level is WAY TOO LOW. CACAS is clearly telling us that something is TOXIC here (her words). Also she is tolerating “SCARY DRUNK?” This guy is a real piece of work. Although, CACAS may not be found dead in a dumpster. Seriously, Red flags are everywhere. It would be a shame for CACAS to continue with this man, and miss out on A DECENT GUY you might have eventually found. RUN GIRL RUN! And take your stuff, he will just give it to his next victim.

Sissou - sending you positive thoughts. It sounds like you feel you're leaning on your friends as much as you can right now. Are there any victims' advocates, women's centers or other places you might find a volunteer who could go with you to court, or to drop-offs with your kids' father? Could someone from your family take a few days off and come stay with you & support you through this rough time?

Whatever your kids' ages, they see you working through your situation and putting their welfare first - they will recognize it and carry it in their hearts.

Married - you don't have to apologize - you're not in charge of all the big dudes. I just realized I never wanted to be so badly outmatched again. If older bro hadn't been around, I don't know what would have happened.

Lolo - I dunno what the deal is with the handsome big guys. Of course, smaller people have their quirks too (I should know, I am one).

@portland scribe @118: Per #74, sissoucat lives in France.

@122

1. It's not a stupid remark at all, let alone properly described as "deeply, monumentally 'let's shut down the government' stupid. The fact that your view is significantly at odds with the vast majority of posters here ought to cause you to examine your response a little more closely.

2. Assuming the contrary, for the purposes of argument, let me tell you how you respond to a thoughtless remark from a significant other: "I am sorry, dear, I know you mean well, but that rubbed me the wrong because . . . " If it were an utterly horrible thing to say, the proper response is to break up with the person. The following is never a justified response: pretend to apologize, abandon them at a bar, shit-talk them to your friends and make out with someone else while they are sleeping the next room.

3. Even if your characterization were true, it would in no way excuse his subsequent behavior. Grief is not a get out of being an asshole free card.

4. Stop projecting.

5. Get a counselor.

@114 sissoucat (and @126 cat in fez): Also my bad. I had completely missed the important detail of sissoucat's residing in France (re @74), and admittedly know very little, if anything about the French judicial system. I had erroneously assumed (sorry!) that sissoucat lived in either the U.S. or Canada (as does mydriasis). So I really don't know your legal situation there. Is there a way you can ask for new legal counsel if your current lawyer is not properly representing you and your children?
StillThinking @124 offers great advice on seeking help from nearby friends, support groups, and women's shelters. I fully agree. You need a strong network in the rebuilding of your life. I wish I had thought of this sooner. Thank you, StillThinking!
Please know that I care about your situation, sissoucat. Even after twelve years on my own, I can still relate! I hope everything works out for you as it has for me.
XO :),
griz

@122, 127:

It was maybe a stupid remark, but it was "forgot to hit 'refresh' before posting a comment" stupid, not "let's shut down the government" level of stupid.

My portal is all glitchy. When I ask my new Obamacare provider about it I just get a discharge of blue smoke, hot gas and foul odors.

And I only voted for Obama that one time.

Is there a salve?

Send the flowers. Love, Mrs. Dalloway

Hey guys. It's difficult at the moment, but it will pass. Thanks for your kind comments and suggestions - I'm already doing all that stuff... Love,
sissoucat

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