Dear SAD:

This guy is an abusive piece of santorum. Dump him yesterday.

"But what do you say to someone who conflates a request for STI testing with a lack of trust?

'Bye'"

BINGO.

Jesus fuck. The people who are most adamant about skipping condoms are the people you REALLY want to use condoms with.*

*

"But what do you say to someone who conflates a request for STI testing with a lack of trust?

'Bye'"

BINGO.

Jesus fuck. The people who are most adamant about skipping condoms are the people you REALLY want to use condoms with.*

*Insert "this isn't true 100.000% of the time" disclaimer here so I can hopefully avoid some of the wahbulance brigade

Can we please end the war on drugs before we start working on universal polyamorous acceptance?

SAD: In your gender switcheroo the first thing I noted was the lack of specifics about frequency. If you're pretty much never in the mood and your boyfriend is sometimes in the mood (whether that's three times a day or twice a week), then that's a strong mismatch and, um, no, Savage Love is not the place to come looking for people to condemn such a heartless cad for wanting occasional sex. I think you knew that.

Take out the freaky power trip thing and you have twice a month vs once a day, and neither of you is happy, and you've been together several whole months: break up. The middle ground there is 2-3 times/week and while some couples manage to meet in the middle in a healthy way, that isn't what you two are doing.

If he wants to be the one to always initiate then he needs to be the one with a slightly higher sex drive. But this isn't just mismatched frequencies: he is only willing after you are thoroughly humiliated and lying sobbing at his feet. That doesn't seem to be your fantasy for a life together. Dump him. Find someone who doesn't get turned on by your abasing yourself.

The part where he was sooooo great for the first few months, treated you well, drew you to fall in love with him, the sex was just what you wanted? That is asshole 101, that if you treat someone like crap on the first date she won't go out with you again. You have to be charming until she's really invested in making it work, then start ramping up the power games.

And yeah, he's just starting.

Another choice for SAD is to start crying and begging for sex every day. It could work out. Perhaps it's just his kink rather than a lack of desire. She could choose to indulge it. He may just have some problem asking for what he wants rather than being an abusive asshole.

Yes #5!!! And good advice for SAD, if him wanting to fuck you when you are sobbing on the floor for sex isn't a red flag, I don't know what is. Abusive relationships are NOT to be trifled with.

Aw, that last one had the last (and best) line edited out for space! "* The trans community has already made off with the asterisk and I'm calling dibs on the colon on behalf of the gays."

I wouldn't have realized that whole, "Crying women is what turns him on." Neat. This relationship might survive if she asks, "Hey, is it just that you have a kink for crying chicks?" and he (truthfully) admits, "Um, yes," but I doubt it.

Does anyone remember in which previous column or letter Mr. Savage explained that "poly" wasn't a sexual orientation as he uses the term?

Does anyone else think that there could be another side to the SAD story? Maybe the guy isn't turned on my her crying but hates to see her cry so much that he puts all of his focus into getting horny so that he can please his girlfriend? Just a thought. They still may be incompatible anyways due the sex drive difference but that doesn't necessarily make him automatically evil and manipulative.

STI: Its not that you don't trust him. Its that he might be carrying something and not know. Or you are. That's all the justification you both need to get tested.

And Dan, in your reply to PPP: The only punctuation we need is '!'. Referred to as 'bang' in the programming/typesetting world.

that whole "what do I say..." answer of "bye" is so Ann Landers-y in the best possible way. Damn, I'm glad you're around. Viva Dan Savage!

jill
http://www.inbedwithmarriedwomen.com

Re SAD: four months into any new relationship you should still be banging like rabbits; in fact you should both be hitting your sexual stride as you learn what pleases each other. A significant drop off in frequency that early on is a giant red flag. Move on.

SAD: You are dating a sadist, and you are not a masochist. This is untenable.
STI: You were dating a creeper, and you are not an idiot. This is a good thing.

@16 - Actually, I think the manipulative nature of the dynamic is the major red flag, here. But either way, moving on is what she should do.

So, this week = two clear "DTMFA" ' s & a punctuation question SLLOTD re-run. Not the hardest week for Dan, huh..? ;)

Speaking of the polyamorous..I write a lot about marriage equality on my FB & Twitter & stuff. This week, I put up a post about the gay couple in Colorado who sued because they were denied a wedding cake by a bake shop. They sued, it went to court, & the gay couple won. the baker's refusal to provide a service - in this case cake - to a couple, in their business/place of public accommodation was in clear violation of Colorado's anti-discrimination laws. I wrote about tis thinking it was a slam-dunk issue. But, I spoke too soon! A few folks were siding with the baker & saying they shouldn't be *forced* to make the cake. Discussion got derailed (like they do) & 209 posts later, people are calling each other bigots & tone trolls & on, & on.

In mentioning this later, a participant in that convo said.."And we won't even *bring up* polyamory, because I'm tired of being ganged up on."

Is it mean ton say, hey, one head of the hydra at a time? Americans are a judgmental, hung-up people (as a nation, not as individuals), what with our Puritanical roots, & separate-not-separate church & state. Gay marriage is legal in 15 states (16 in June, when Illinois' law takes effect), 8 counties in New Mexico, the District of Columbia & 8 Native American tribes. 34% of the population, just over a third. Shouldn't LGBT activists secure rights for LGBT people in the format marriage already exists in - which is two consenting adults - *before* tackling the notion that multiple people can share a legally-sanctioned relationship?

(for the curious, here's a link to the conversation in question - https://www.facebook.com/eva.hopkins.18/… )

(Ugh, head full of Sudafed, sorry for typos. I hope some of that is coherent.)

Cue EricaP telling SAD to bring up the possibility of an open relationship.

#trollingformyownamusement

Though I do wonder what the reaction would be from Mr. "Says he likes being the one who's controlling the sex."

To STI

Things everyone should be saying to you:
Good move
That was the right thing to do
You were were smarter than me
Agreed, trust but verify

I don't believe it Eva, but my subscriptions to Westlaw databases has expired.

But I'd be willing to bet, that if all the details were provided, as in what complaint was filed with the court, I wouldn't need a a subscription to any database, because when facts are listed things are typically fairly clear.

You would make an excellent journalist, because it sounds controversial, but is it really?

People have been bringing up BDSM for SAD, and it's true that controlling the sex and getting off on begging are common D/s things. But this guy isn't engaging in consensual power play - he's manipulating her.

At *best*, he doesn't understand his own reaction or doesn't know how to ask for it - but that lack of self-awareness or inability to communicate is not a good sign. And that's the best case, where he might learn from a rejection and become a responsible kink partner ot someone else later. Worst case, he's an abusive tool for whom this is just the beginning of the crazy.

Dear SAD-

In an odd way I can relate. I am also in somewhat of a quandary, although mine may be a little less cut and dry. I have been dating my girlfriend for a little over a year now, and although we have lived together 90% of that time a strange disconnect exists when it comes to the sexy times. The first month we were dating we would make out for large stretches of time and things would get hot however it perplexed me as to what appeared to be holding her back from sending the signals she wanted to take it any further, especially since we fell asleep next to each other every night. So when things started cooling off a bit I asked why it was that she seemed so disinterested in sex.

I was told she had contracted a form of HPV in her early 20's (NBD right, its common among sexually active young adults) which unfortunately led to a cervical growth. The discovery of this and the prognosis from the doctor had a profound impact on her. The MD strongly advised her to completely abstain from sex until the growth completely subsided, which could take up to two years. We rarely talk about it, but I suspect the way the male doctor handled this event in her life was a damaging blow to her sexual identity. As far as I could discern from talking about our pasts its not like she was playing with fire and having unprotected sex with a bunch of random people, she deducted it was most likely a case of raincoat malfunction so to speak.

Fast forward to the here and now, its been over a year and I anxiously and patiently await the news that we're in the clear to begin to explore a new side to our relationship. Only problem being she has yet to go in for a follow up after the last doctor visit in April which showed the growth almost entirely gone, and the advice to wait a few more months just to be on the safe side.

I don't want to be disrespectful of her feelings for what she's gone through but at this point I am feeling concerned for the health and longevity of our relationship. Nonexistent sex life aside, she is a wonderful person and I feel lucky in many ways to be with her. However for longevity's sake I am concerned if she will personally recover from this, because I am not some crazy hybrid of Dr. Ruth and Dr. Phil and this is beyond me to try and fix.

Its to the point where I feel sexually repressed and unwanted by the one person I desire most. I compliment how pretty, sexy, beautiful etc I think she is, but on the other hand it is rare that she says or does anything to let me know she feels the same way. I am a fairly confident person and in past relationships this has been far from an issue, but I am growing tired of feeling needy and rejected, usually the one trying to initiate any kind of romance between us. Heart and conscious tells me to press on and that all good things come in time, but people close to me tell me I also need to be honest to myself and do what's best for me. I've come to learn sex isn't everything, but when it's part of a larger piece of the dynamic puzzle of love the void seems to gradually increase with time.

It doesn't feel like a healthy void, so do I wait it out quietly for her to get better and become empowered again, say something to address this sensitive topic, or think about giving up?

Another thing to consider is at this point I would be signing up for a sex life that would always have to involve a condom, which frankly I am not a fan of using especially in committed, responsible relationships. Either that or roll the dice with HPV, and bet the house that she's the one.

Ahhh crikey! Hopefully there are some kind wizened souls out there that have some helpful advice..

@26 Well, first of all, no " raincoat malfunctions" are needed for HPV transmission, as condoms don't provide that much protection. You should definitely talk about it more.

Secondly, I don't understand why no sex is possible whatsoever until the growth goes away? Does this include even non penetrative sex? Does an orgasm or arousal somehow affect the growth? This sounds a bit overcautious. Maybe you guys should get a second opinion because advising the patient to abstain from all kinds of sex for years seems like a sign of a really bad doctor.

26 Schwesterly-- I'm not a wizened soul. I don't work in the medical field, and that's where my advice comes from: Talk to her doctor. Find out what the specific name of her diagnosis is as "HPV cervical growth" didn't yield any good information for me when I googled a second ago. Ask the doctor or otherwise figure out how refraining from PIV sex for some length could make a difference to her getting better. Find out what sort of growths "subside" on their own. Does she have cancer or not?

To sum up, you're treating this as a psychological/emotional problem when the place to start is treating it like a medical one. When you know what's going on in terms of a future of condom wearing, children, and a whole bunch of health questions, you can make reasonable decisions. (Someone is sure to point out that none of us know what's in the cards as far as our future health, but it sure helps to have information.)

@26, 28
Oh wait, I read "cervical growth " as "cancerous growth " which makes it even more confusing. So it could even be a benign growth? Do you live in the States? My current doctor is treating a low-risk HPV infection as basically a death sentence, but I live in a very backwards country.

I agree with @7 -- sounds like SAD's boyfriend may have a fetish for crying women. Ask him if this is the case. If it is, problem solved! Take an acting workshop if need be, and start crying more often.

And @26: There are many other enjoyable sexy activities you two could be doing together. If she's not willing to, ahem, give you a hand (etc) -- and vice versa -- there are psychological issues here rather than just medical ones.

@26

27 is bang-on, I agree completely.

@Crinoline

"Find out what sort of growths "subside" on their own. Does she have cancer or not?"

Genital warts, which are caused by HPV.

Genital warts are commonly found externally but they can be found on the cervix as well. They can grow in clusters which can get fairly large.

Typically (when external) they're treated with either creams or liquid nitrogen which is covered in Canada but I've never heard of it being used on such a precariously placed cluster (assuming that's what his girlfriend has).

Perhaps the risks of surgery on such a large growth outweigh the benefits considering it's not harmful to her (in the doctor's "sure you can't have sex but what's the big deal?" estimation) OR perhaps it's a financial consideration if she's American?

Either way I'd agree that she could get a second opinion or recheck what her options are. I'd suggest to her:

1. clarify your diagnosis (sounds like she's talking about warts)
2. clarify if you have treatment options (including their risks)
3. clarify what the ramifications of PIV sex would be (take a deep breath and be prepared to tell a doctor that YES having sex is important to you) and also other kinds of non-penetrative sex.

(essentially what others have said)

"Take back the rainbow" sounds like a discarded Skittles slogan.

@26: When my daughter was about six, I didn't like her first dentist and was thinking of finding a new one. And she said no: like her Grandma, she figured the new one might be worse so she should stick with the one she didn't like. She had a new dentist within the week; her Grandma, however, was out of my sphere of direct control and did not replace the disliked doctor.

I offer that story as illustrative of why people stick with a not-sympathetic doctor. Finding a new, more sympathetic and communicative OBGYN for a second opinion on the growth and what to do about it is a good idea; convincing your girlfriend to do that is not simple. Be gentle, be understanding, and try to approach it as you see how hard this is for her and you want a doctor who will make her feel in control.

I'm going to latch onto the very positive physical side of your relationship early on, and suggest that the entire time you've known her she's been dealing with this something very wrong inside my vagina feeling, which can kill libido extremely thoroughly. Even more so if there's intermittent pain, or if she feels at fault. (HPV is very common, you can get it from oral or other non-PIV techniques, you can get it if you've had one heavy petting partner who's had one other partner and you're still a virgin.) If everything else is really good and you love her, and the non-PIV physical side seems encouraging, I'd counsel some more patience and encouraging her to see someone more helpful, and see if her physical recovery brings a new side of her.

While other forms of sex would theoretically be possible, I can see how psychologically she might not be able to shrug off the physically-damaged and fragile feeling: it's always on her mind, especially if pain can shoot it to the top of her awareness, and "just relax" isn't going to be enough.

*Oops, that was a long post and I sort of skimmed the part where it's apparently resolved? Gotta love third-hand info.

Anyway yeah at this point you're not overstepping to think that this needs to be addressed. You've been a billion times more patient than I'd ever be in your situation, talk to her.

7, 30-- If it's the case that SAD's boyfriend has a fetish for crying women, then knowing that is moving in the right direction, but it doesn't solve the problem. The point behind being GGG is that each partner does what the other likes some of the time in return for having their own desires met some of the time. In the scenario SAD describes, Boyfriend is getting what he wants every 2 weeks. She's not getting what she wants ever.

Even before reading Dan's answer, I'd come to the DTMFA conclusion. For me, the clues are in her last lines. She's already doubting herself and thinking that she's the one who's being the asshole. She's already dismissing her pain as trivial, mundane. She's already dependent on how thoughtful and considerate he is. The only thing that differentiates this from the classic domestic abuse situation is that Boyfriend admits to liking controlling the sex. Usually the abuser half of this twisted game doesn't display his hand so readily.

@26: Also, I agree with everyone that this is mostly a psychological problem, but it's very firmly rooted in a physical problem that has a prospective recovery on the near-term horizon. If you love almost everything about her but hate how the cervical growth affects her, and the cervical growth is subsiding, patience to see how things look in a few months is a reasonable move. Whereas if the growth was a permanent thing you would both need to work around, I'd feel differently.

Ms Hopkins - I admire your patience. Little Miss Precious would likely give me an LMB for overstating her Turn the Seventh Cheek point, which is bearable when mentioned once or perhaps twice at most. She might, though, make an admirable mistress for Mr Savage's brother. As for that Libertarian who "dropped the microphone and walked off to a standing ovation," I'd require him, in order to avoid being blocked, to submit a five hundred-word essay on the Pride and Prejudice-related theme, "I must not decide on my own performance."

It's difficult to answer your question about being mean because there's such an ocean of attendant details. It's easy to rally behind the idea of a legally-sanctioned relationship in theory, but the number of things to which that may entail signing on is a significant cause for pause. Personally, for instance, I don't know that I could ever approve of a system that would impose a third legal parent on any child - it's bad enough for far too many that they have to have two (although the relative merits of two versus one could tangle me up for a year; I'd better stop here).

@26, you've been very patient, supportive, understanding, etc. and that is a sign that you're a good guy. Being a good guy doesn't mean you signed up for a sexless relationship or that you should continue to be in one. If it's been 8 months since her last checkup and your gf is displaying no sense of urgency to get an all clear from her MD, I have to wonder how legit her reason for abstaining is.

By all means, talk to your girlfriend and see what the deal is. However, I would point out that while you've been twisting yourself into knots trying to protect her psyche, your girlfriend is allowing yours to be shredded. There are plenty of ways to be physical, affectionate, and complimentary to your partner without having piv sex. The fact that your gf isn't taking care of you on this front makes me think you should move on.

It's possible that SAD's boyfriend has a fetish for crying/humiliation as several people have suggested. It's also possible that he's unaware of it or has trouble expressing it etc. But he has been trying to get his crying/humiliation fetish fullfilled by emotionally abusing his partner and constantly denying her sex. That is not the kind of behavior I would want to reward with being GGG all the time. Doing so would basically say, "Yup, your manipulation worked. You were disrespectful and hurtful to me, didn't have to ask for anything, and got what you wanted! You should do that again." Emotional abuse is not an acceptable communication method.

@12: Sure, maybe it's just that he's never motivated to try and get in the mood until his girlfriend is literally reduced to sobbing in humiliation at his feet. But that's still pretty shitty behavior. If he was never in the mood to do any household chores until she had done it all for weeks and finally broke down sobbing, wash rinse repeat, we'd have no trouble saying 'run.'

And the falloff in frequency was huge. Like "interested in sex" was a false face he put forward after discovering "nah, I'm not into the sex thing" wasn't getting him any girlfriends.

I just want to add that not all poly situations are straight.

Mine? Straight husband, gender queer and bisexual wife, and bisexual me. Gender queer and bisexual wife also dubs me "pansexual," but I think that's taking things a bit far.

And we wouldn't want to do that.

PPP and everyone else out there vying for recognition and respect- We have to "earn" it, not necessarily "demand", and it is our duty to spread the word.
I say "we" because as a bigender person, one who toggles between male and female identity regardless of sexuality, I have learned that I first have to accept myself as who I am and not be shy about it.
By "not being shy" I don’t mean imposing myself on others or scream it over a billboard, but by showing others that I'm an ordinary, polite, respectful human being who may have an extra, harmless take on life. I go out in different outfits and I mention my "situation" to trusted coworkers, family members, etc. And not willing to take abuse is part of it.
Yes, it took me a looooong time to get there, but now I hope that being out and about is my contribution to tolerance and understanding.

I've never commented before, but SAD's letter really resonates.

SAD's relationship sounds exactly like one I was in for four years, in my late 20s. It never got better. It got worse. Yes he was a manipulative, insecure bastard who got off on seeing me unhappy. I let myself be controlled for a really long time before I got out, and was only able to do so by using another guy as a wedge, and only after I learned the bf was cheating and all our friends already knew. I gotta reinforce what many have said: Get out now. While you still have some self-respect, get out now. Please save yourself the pain.

If the boyfriend cries on the floor for sex until the girlfriend caves in, the boyfriend is an asshole.

If the girlfriend cries on the floor for sex until the boyfriend caves in, the boyfriend is an asshole.

That's awesome.

Oh well, if we're going to have double standards across gender, I guess I'd prefer to be the gender that is assigned responsibility for his behavior (good or bad) rather than the gender that is just along for the ride.

@5: Dumb and insensitive, as if society can only do one thing at once.

Unsurprising that you think that @7 is a good idea.

@47:

And to get to that asinine conclusion, you managed to blind yourself to the difference between someone that wants it multiple times a day versus someone who wants it more than once a month.

@ 18, sorry Eva. Discrimination is discrimination. If we had waited to solve the racism problem before we tackled the homophobia problem where would we be now?

@47 "seandr"
While you may have a point that men may be more likely to be blamed when the situation is 50/50, this is clearly not one of them.
Myself, and I assume also Dan and most readers, would take the same stand if a woman will torment her bf into crying on the floor and only then have sex with him. Twice a month.
Unless, of course, this is all agreed in advance by both parties which is clearly not the case here.

Dan, would you please stop running letters about mismatched libido? It's so redundant. Or at least let them stay in the lotds?

@ 47. The manipulator is the asshole, not the male. In both of your scenarios the male is the manipulator.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you are an argumentative misogynist, who is good at distorting language and creating false analogies.

@25. Very astute. Yours is the best comment on here, so far.

@undead ayn rand: In the world that exists beyond the confines of your skull, a boyfriend who cries on the floor for sex is a manipulative, pressuring asshole, even if he's only getting it once a month.

And if that boyfriend wrote to Dan, you would be the among first ones here to say so.

CallezCal: In both of your scenarios the male is the manipulator.

So we agree - if you take the exact same scenario and switch genders, the male is at fault in both cases. That was my precisely point.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you are an argumentative misogynist

Since you agree with me, I guess that makes two of us?

Agree with Dan on SAD and STI. It sounds like SAD's boyfriend is purposely withholding sex to fuck with her emotions and get off on her suffering. Fuck that shithead with a rusty linoleum knife.

As for STI, if the boyfriend wants to stick it in without a rubber, then it's either get tested, keep on using condoms, or find your way to the nearest exit and don't look back.

I highly doubt that the guy's kink is his girlfriend crying on the floor. Are we forgetting that for the first several months, the sex was great and constant, without any crying?

The boyfriend is having sex with her because it makes the crying stop. One thing all men fear is a crying woman. We will do anything to make that stop.

He has lost interest for another reason. In any event, time to break up. The "he is a manipulator who needs you crying to get it up" is a really dumb way to read this situation.

@47: If the boyfriend cried on the floor and only then would his girlfriend give in and provide sex, once or twice a month, we'd be saying "and you are putting up with this why? Break up already."*

Which is what we're saying to her, only with more gentleness because a) sure, girl, different initiation and crying dynamic at work; b) the whole "everything was wonderful at first, it's probably me who's horrible" which is how it starts with terrible partners--they wouldn't get to be partners with anyone if they were terrible right out of the gate.

Now if they started out with sex every 1-2 days in the courting stage, and now one had a meltdown if they'd only gotten enthusiastically laid three times in the past twelve hours because five times was what they needed to feel desirable, we'd call that person an asshole who needed to develop some other hobbies in life. Frequency matters, as does how much that frequency varies from what you presented in the courting stage, and that's conspicuously missing from your example.

*(To him. If she'd written in... why, no SL is not the place to find support for "of course you aren't interested in having sex any more, it's been four months, your partner is unreasonable.")

@57: Sure he could be a manipulator who needs the other person to be the bad guy and do the breaking up. So he'll behave shittily, then wonder why she hasn't cut him free, then behave shittily some more. But also do nice guy stuff, because he needs to look like the good guy.

We're most of us agreed she needs to break up with him, whatever his motivation for doing this. But someone with a kinky streak (even if it's poorly understood and presents as self-sabotage) had been known to present as a perfectly vanilla person during the "nailing down someone who might be convinced to indulge me in this" stage. Though I'm firmly on the side that if that's what's going on, she needs a different boyfriend who isn't a manipulative bastard, whether he's trying to manipulate her to cry, or to crumple and feel worthless, or to break up with him.

@26 & @34: Complicated way to find a good professional (doctor, lawyer, therapist, engineer, etc): Check their education, reputation among peers, board-certification, and check for any state-board actions against them. Short version: ask a local provider, "If your wife/daughter was in my position, who would you recommend they see?"

Easy way to find the talented professionals in town: Go with the one with the LONGEST waiting list. Yeah, you want to see someone tomorrow. But someone with a 8-week is in demand for a reason.

@60:
No, sometimes the doctors with the long waiting lists just suck at scheduling.
I have had much better experiences with doctors who have short waiting lists and schedule their patients sensibly.

Crashing 47 and 57 together: If a guy wrote in to say that after four months of normal, frequent, and enjoyable sex his girlfriend stopped going to bed with him, explained that she needed to be in complete control of all the sex they had, and the only method he'd found that worked was to beg and be rejected for a few days, then break down crying at her feet, people would:

a) Invoke "guys don't cry, be a man already."
b) See major kink stuff going on from the girlfriend's side.

@11,
Poly isn't an orientation, nor are trans, intersex, or leather/fetish. They can all fit in the alphabet soup as sexual minorities, though.

@ all who suggest the crying game is BDSM: Nope! See BDSM requires consent of all parties - it's not some power game you can just pull out because it amuses you. If he is a person who enjoys crying (I totally do! and I'm the crier!) but would rather make her cry by withholding her needs then he's a major abuser and I would get out quick. Poly isn't an option here because as my poly experience informs me (7 years and counting) poly doesn't work well when the relationship in the beginning is not healthy. I avoid relationships with partners who have bad relationships with their other partners because I have seen the damage that will come.

I only meant that if SAD realizes that his kink is for her to beg him for sex, and he's willing to fulfill it through fantasy rather than making it happen for real, then the relationship may be salvageable. He didn't necessarily choose to make her cry and beg for real. Many people can't bring themselves to ask for what they want sexually due to shame. If he needs his kink in order to be interested in sex, then he may have felt trapped. It's just a possibility. Don't be so quick to jump to conclusions that make other people look as bad as possible.

@puddles (29) We're in Seattle surprisingly enough but this particular MD must have been illegally imported here from the Bible Belt based on his harsh treatment of my gf. The technical term for the growth is low grade cervical dysplasia, a precancerous growth. In the case of low grade dysplasia a removal procedure isn't recommended as the growth will recede in time, and because surgical treatment options potentially expose the patient to future child birth complications.

My girlfriend is an independent, self sufficient woman which is why I decided to give her space and time on this matter. Having that confidence in her I figured it was an inevitability that she would find a way out of this rut that bars her from exploring the wonders of a fruitful sex life.

An outlying factor in this equation but one worth mentioning- I suddenly lost my job six months ago in a field (banking) that after eight years I had come to accept held absolutely no long term desire for me. So after a sabbatical of sorts from the 9-5 I am launching in an entirely new direction and going back to school to become a teacher. Needless to say my confidence flagged during the last six months as I endeavored to choose a new path that fit who I truly was. For the first few months I smoked weed as it helped with the stress and anxiety, but in hindsight that was a poor choice. Altering my mind on a regular basis was an idiotic way to cope during difficult times.

The constant pot smoking bothered my girlfriend and even though it took me a while I eventually corrected the nose dive I was in. The last month and a half I have undergone a reawakening of a sort, seeing future potential and allowing the momentum of well planned long term goals to be the fire inside me.

So essentially I was not bringing my complete self to the table, and despite the black and white medical side of it realized it was up to me to seize what I wanted in life through positive change. This played a factor in the intimacy disconnect, which was clear when two months ago the person I cherished most told me it was very difficult to imagine our future together. This crushed me because I strive for her happiness everyday, but in making that my top priority I wasn't focusing on developing the big picture. I could not fault her for the negative sentiments she harbored, in fact none of them were unfair. Through that tough love I was made a stronger person, and I still hope against hope that future will be with my girlfriend who has stuck it out during a midlife crisis of reinvention in which I saw myself hit lows I never imagined possible .

PS muchos gracias for the words of advice and support. Having grown up in Seattle I have always loved what the Stranger did for our community, so it was only natural I wound up gaining valuable insight from strangers ;) <3 ya'll!

@Theodore Gorath: The boyfriend is having sex with her because it makes the crying stop.

Yes, could be.

Or, maybe he just finds his otherwise dampened passions stirred by the sight of his girl on her knees, half naked, her breasts quivering as she weeps, begging for just one small nibble of his precious cock. I don't have a crying fetish, but if a woman tries that move on me, it's probably going to work, even if I'm not especially attracted to her.

Just out of curiosity,

How much does an STI test cost out of pocket, if you don't have insurance? (If less than a year of condoms, no complaints!)

Peace

@66 I hope it all works out for you and your gf, but I really hope there are better (or at least nicer) doctors available. Also it sounds a bit like you are blaming yourself for what is basically a normal reaction to high levels of stress. Maybe self medicating with pot saved you from a complete meltdown.
My doctor, on the contrary, wants to remove something even there's no dysplasia, no abnormal cells and only HPV type 6 which is not considered high risk for cancer which she says I'll have anyway. Go figure. She even prescribed me pills and other stuff that will "treat" the HPV. But where I live all doctors are a bit crazy so looking for another one won't work.

@61: Reflecting on your response, I should have qualified my statement @60 as applying to non-metropolitian areas. In the big city, there is an oversupply of highly-educated professionals. And greater screening of the quacks.

I live in a small town, and if one can't keep busy in an area with few providers, there's usually a reason.

Still, the very best guy/gal in town is likely to be in demand, however perfect they might be at scheduling.

It also depends on whether your issue is a head-scratcher or not. Easy problems don't need talented providers.

Re: LGBTQLFTSQIAP

Any chance we can just ditch the alphabet soup for a nice concise symbol, like the ampersand? I like the ampersand, it's curvy and kinda sexy, especially in old school fonts, and it's inherently inclusive! I'd much rather have a single pithy symbol than what looks like a stroke happening on my keyboard.

Look, I know everyone wants their identifier, their time in the sun to shine, but I don't want to type it. It's inelegant. Heck Prince (the pop star) got away with it for a few years, everybody knew what it meant, even if they still pronounced it "Prince".

I'm just sayin', give the ampersand a chance. It even has mystery, which is very sexy. "I'm &". that's hot, that invites questions. Just how "&" are you? In what way(s)? If the goal is to start the conversation "&" is a better way to go IMHO.

"Easy way to find the talented professionals in town: Go with the one with the LONGEST waiting list. Yeah, you want to see someone tomorrow. But someone with a 8-week is in demand for a reason."

UM. WRONG.

Seriously, I work at multiple clinics, including ones where the wait is usually like ten minutes and ones where waits would be at least two hours if not three or four, and this is very untrue. There is a big difference between a popular doctor and a good doctor. Not saying there isn't ever overlap, I'm just saying they're not the same thing.

*No it doesn't make a difference if the wait is for appointments either.

"... aka the lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer, leather/fetish, two-spirit, questioning, intersex, and asexual community/communities."
----------
Don't forget multilimbed, which I learned about from this very column via a link to boytaur (dot) (net).

Thank you for welcoming us p-folk into the acronym!! <3

@45 YES! As I spread the word, friends tell me about their closeted alternative lifestyles that I never would have suspected. Openness inspires openness.

@72 I love the all-inclusive symbol. I could try to explain how I'm a straight poly woman married to a bi/pan trans woman, but it's so much more fun to say I'm a bit &.

You guys, I've said it before and I'll say it again: for the sake of not excluding alphabet-letters, we need to rename all Gay-Straight Alliances ORGASM: ORGanization for Allies of Sexual Minorities.

@26, Schwesterly Wind--

I am a women's health nurse practitioner and I happen to have a copy of the American Society for Colposcopy and Cervical Pathology's 2013 Updated Consensus Guidelines for Managing Abnormal Cervical Cancer Screening Tests and Cancer Precursors on my desk immediately next to my computer. No joke. It makes NOT ONE mention of abstaining from PIV intercourse. Nor have I, in 10 years as a WHNP and 10 years before that as an RN and a health educator, EVER heard this as a long term strategy--i.e. it would be numbered in days after LEEP or cryotherapy, not months or years. And for low-grade dysplasia? I've never heard anyone recommend taking even a few HOURS off. (Hell, I've HAD low-grade dysplasia and I certainly didn't. That was 15 years ago, and in the last 15 years I've gotten married and had two kids vaginally.)

Your GF should find a new health care provider immediately. This one is completely out of keeping with current practice.

Also, odds are you already carry HPV anyway, but you have no way of knowing because you don't have a cervix and aren't receiving pap smears.
Both you and the GF need to keep in mind that cervical cancer is extremely rare in women with adequate health care access. It mainly occurs in women who go unscreened for years at a time.

Good luck!

@76, magicdoyle
Great idea!!! I think you should pitch the idea to the Master Savage himself.

@74: I wasn't talking about waiting-room delays (your reading comprehension failings - no one spends 8 weeks in a waiting room) or @75 about getting an appointment (my writing fail). I was talking about wait-times to establish service outside of metro areas.

Pick a small catchment area (Wenatchee, Bend, Turlock, Livingston, etc) and, really, you'd go to the guy who's free this afternoon over the guy who has no non-emergency openings for a month?!? That is contrary to all of my experiences with therapists, physicians, engineers and lawyers in rural settings.

SAD: I am 200% in agreement with @1 Ashley Amber about DTMFA, and let your dumping this pathetic bag o' misogynist slop be the equivalent of a santorum cream pie to his face.
And thanks, @3 mydriasis, for beating me to it, regarding STI's letter. Well said! The ones to avoid like the plague are the idiots who insist that all is well by just "inserting it a little".
Yeah, RIGHT!

I agree 100% that SAD and her man are better off parted. But, am I the only one who thinks the fact that SAD manipulates the reader of her letter rather than respect his/her intelligence might be a big, glaring clue as to where the problem lies? Sobbing on the ground is manipulation too -- it is called a temper tantrum; children do it because they have not developed mature mechanisms for dealing with the world when things don't go their way. Luckily, as adults, this is the situation where one available mechanism is to walk away, and thus DTMFA. It's available to her and Dan's advice for her to do so was spot on, even through his supporting argument was at least partially a stab in the dark. The boyfriend may be weak or passive-agressive, but manipulator title goes to SAD in my book.

@STI

No decent person balks at STI-testing. "You don't trust me if you STI-test" is abuser talk. Good that you've left that jerk on the curb.

@SAD

Your switcheroo exercise was not one. In both the exercise and in your actual question, you described your boyfriend as a controlling asshole. I'm not the lone one in assuming that it's because you feel he is a controlling asshole.

Listen to your words : this relationship is making you miserable. End it now.

As for crying : never stay in a relationship that brings on crying fits in you. Even if the guy feels so wonderful and worth all the pain in the world to stick to, a healthy relationship with him should have no crying in it. And when a healthy relationship just can't be had with someone you deeply love, it's because you two simply aren't a fit. And that can't be helped.

So better end it yesterday. And try to develop friendship instead : with decent people it's possible post break-up.

32-my and 80 milkshake-- Thanks. Nothing like actual solid medical information to unmuddy murky waters.

Now some more thoughts for Schwesterly. Many of us jumped on how odd it was that any medical advice would include no sex for months or years. We could think of circumstances where it might not be recommended for a few weeks, and we could think of times when transmission of a disease could be an issue, but a blanket "keep away from sex for years until I give you the green light" admonition struck a lot of us as blaringly strange.

This leads me to the following possibilities:

1. The doctor is stupid in a medical sense. (My favorite.)
2. The doctor is stupid in moral sense. (He jumped at an opportunity to tell a woman not to have sex.)
3. Your girlfriend misunderstood him. (Girlfriend is stupid.)
4. Your girlfriend does have an emotional/psychological problem with sex. (Unlikely, but I thought I'd mention it.)

The bottom line remains the same: New doctor, new source of medical information.

@83 SPeeler,

Congratulations on your marriage!

Sorry for your spouse's health problems. I can only tell you a positive attitude and outlook, in my experience, on the part of the afflicted can make a huge difference.

Best wishes.

Peace

Please no more acronyms! I'm tired of always having to be lumped in with every non-straight group under the sun. Why can't gay men just have their own separate group? Let's rename it "Guy" as in "I'm guy". It will be for men who want to be with other men. Not trannies, not queens, just MEN.

@89: Or 5: The doctor never said any such thing, but SW's partner wanted a way to persuade naive roommate who thinks he's a boyfriend not to nag her for sex.

"two months ago the person I cherished most told me it was very difficult to imagine our future together." - Schwesterly Wind, post 66.

Take her word for it and move on.

I'm with Old Crow. Schwesterly Wind, you're not getting the full truth from your girlfriend. But you can tell that she's not attracted to you, because that's how being with her makes you feel:

>> It's to the point where I feel sexually repressed and unwanted by the one person I desire most. >>

You only have one year invested in this relationship. I believe you'll be happier if you end this and give yourself the opportunity to find someone who actually is attracted to you.

Good luck with your studies!

I heard GSD the other day — Gender and Sexual Diversities.

I think SAD's boyfriend suffers from intimacy problems, which only start to come out when the relationship gets serious. She should read up on how a fear of intimacy manifests in men.

I don't have much of anything helpful to add, but I just wanted to say that, God damn it, I love you Dan Savage.

I will do whatever it takes to make the haters scared of the alphabet, and hopefully punctuation, words, and perhaps, eventually, speech itself. Make the haters afraid to talk. That is a beautiful thought.

I don't have much of anything helpful to add, but I just wanted to say that, God damn it, I love you Dan Savage.

I will do whatever it takes to make the haters scared of the alphabet, and hopefully punctuation, words, and perhaps, eventually, speech itself. Make the haters afraid to talk. That is a beautiful thought.