My boyfriend of three months, âMarcus,â told me last week that he is a trans man. He has performed oral sex on me and fingered me, but he never let me reciprocate and told me he didnât want to have penis-in-vagina sex yet because to him that was a large commitment. We go to college in a conservative part of the country, and almost no one here knows. He worried that if I found out, I would expose him to our friends and peers and perhaps even press charges (because we had sex when I did not know he was trans). Truthfully, had I known, I donât think I would have had sex with Marcus. Before I found out he was trans, I was deeply attracted to him and was falling for him. Now, I no longer feel either of those things and do not know if I can...
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âNCA is clearly struggling,â said M. Dru Levasseur, a trans activist, attorney, and cofounder of the Jim Collins Foundation, an organization that funds gender-confirming surgeries for trans people. âShe met a guy, sheâs deeply attracted to him and is falling for him, and then she finds out something she didnât expect. Heâs trans.â
Before you dump Marcusâif you dump MarcusâLevasseur recommends exploring your feelings.
âDoes NCA not see Marcus as a man now? Is she sure he doesnât have a penis? Trans guys have amazing dicks that are different from cis guysâ dicks (surgery or no surgery)âhow does she know she wonât like it or even prefer it? Is she afraid of social rejection if people were to find out she was dating a trans person? If she really wants to explore this, she could talk to a therapist, read some books, or join a support group online (where she wonât risk outing Marcus). Who knows, Marcus could be the best sex and biggest love of her life.â
My two cents: Youâre also struggling with the fact that you had sexâoral and fingering countâwith someone you might not have had sex with if you had known this particular detail in advance of the oral and fingering. I believe that Marcus should have told you he was trans before you hooked up, NCA, and disclosing was in his own self-interest. But messing around with someone you wouldnât have if you had known [insert relevant detail here] is a pretty common experience, NCA, and one most people bounce back from. And there are far worse forms of nondisclosure. While trans, poly, kinky, and poz folks are all pressured to disclose, the world would be a much happier place if abusers, users, assholes, and Fox News âpersonalitiesâ were the ones who had to disclose before sex.
âThere is absolutely no legal duty to disclose trans status,â added Levasseur. âA personâs trans status is âexcruciatingly privateâ and constitutionally protected information. There are lots of reasons why trans people might be stealth (or not out) like Marcusâfor example, the terrifying rate of violence against trans people or the overwhelming statistics of discrimination. But I think disclosure is a good idea early on because it allows people to love you for who you are. Why not know that the person you are getting close to wants you? All of you. Donât you want to find that out pretty early on? There are many people out there who think trans men are the ideal guys. Donât waste your time on anyone else.â
Okay, NCA, letâs say youâve explored your feelings and youâve decided that you donât want to keep seeing Marcus. Does that make you a bigot?
âItâs okay to have a preferenceâno judgment there,â said Levasseur. âIf trans guys are not her thing, no harm done. I would just hope she is kind when she lets Marcus go. From what she says, it sounds like he wants to convince her to want him or love him, and no one should be in the business of doing that. Everyone deserves to be loved because, not although.â
Levasseur wanted to close with a message to any trans men reading this:
âTo the Marcuses of the world who will read NCAâs letter and think, âOh no, who will love me, who will want me?â and see it as just another message of rejection to add to a daily list of transphobia, body shame, and internalized self-loathing that fuels the staggering trans suicide attempt rate: Donât go there. Trans men are hot and deserve to be loved for the amazing men they are. They did not have their masculinity handed to them. They earned itâoften through journeys that take unbelievable resilience and courage. An intentional man. The full package. And we deserve not to settle for someone who doesnât appreciate our bodies or our histories. Find someone who wants the full you.â
Follow M. Dru Levasseur on Twitter @DruLawyer. Learn more about the Jim Collins Foundation at jimcollinsfoundation.org.
Iâm a longtime reader, but this is my first time posing a dilemma to you. Iâm a 32-year-old pansexual woman. I date a lot of people (mostly guys these days) and have recently started seeing a 22-year-old het male. The thing is, heâs in a serious (but open) relationship with a 26-year-old woman. Heâs asked me if Iâm into playing around with both of them in the near future. Iâm into it on principle alone (who wouldnât want to fuck a girl and a guy at the same time?!?), but Iâm not sure if itâs a good idea. I havenât met the girl yet, but she sounds cool from what Iâve heard. Iâd like to do it, but I donât want to deal with the awkwardness around it, let alone have their relationship suffer (and mine with the guy) as a result of playing together. What do you suggest?
Toronto Poly Virgin
Who wouldnât want to fuck a girl and a guy at the same time? I wouldnât, TPV, as Iâm gay, gayer, gayest. But I donât see why youâpan, panner, pannestâwouldnât jump at the chance. (After youâve met the other girl in person, established a mutual attraction, and negotiated the terms of your surrender.) Could this three-way end awkwardly? Of course it could. But billions and billions of two-ways have ended awkwardly over the centuries, and that fact didnât stop you from having a two-way with this 22-year-old het male, right? The addition of a third person may mean a 33 percent greater chance of someone feeling awkward after the three-way is over, and that isnât awesome. But there is a 100 percent chance of having a three-way, TPV, and that is awesome.
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