Cut the cord!

Holy fucking SHIT I'm glad I'm childless!

Pointless without a massive amount of further details.

Stranger Staff - you're really slipping on the quality of these invented IA letters.

Blaw, blaw, blaw... COCAINE and MALT LIQUOR...

I'm sorry mom..........can I have 10 bucks?

I really can't feel sympathy for breeders.

My brother pulled this same shit. When our mom dies, I will have no proble kicking his ass out of the gathering if he has the balls to show up.

#8 Breeders? Wow are you not the coolest, hippest hater. Troll.

@11, I was just about to say something similar, Ziff. One of my longtime family friends is not on speaking terms with her mom, and it's a similar scenario. The mom has always been supportive and probably hasn't done too much wrong - I think it's the daughter who is a bit out of touch with reality. I have no problem believing this I,A is real.

Sorry about your brother.

Who raised this ingrate? Oh yeah, it was you, IA.

@3: Does sound like she's leaving quite a lot of context out, possibly for anonymity, possibly because it might change the narrative.

@18: Indeed, there are a lot of gaping holes in that rant.

*immediately gives self vasectomy*

Personality disorder - either in one, or both. Not a fun situation. My sympathies to all involved.

@22 This screams "personality disorder" to me too. And yeah, it could also be the mom.

You know, I kind of wish you folks were around for my I, Anonymous. At the least it wasn't a diatribe of familial woe.

On that topic, I can certainly imagine my borderline mother writing something along these lines to me, because that's how disproportionate her sense of reality is. She insists I owe her thousands of dollars because she closed on a house sight unseen and I didn't mail the inspection to her.

That said, the moment "threatening self harm" comes into the conversation, I lose all sympathy for the kid. It sounds like the emotional manipulation is a learned behaviour.

Better not to spawn. Get a plant.

When you were hitting your boyfriend over his online porn addiction

Sounds like the daughter is the abuser, not necessarily the mother, although it is somewhat telling that the mother recommended counseling to the abuser and not getting the hell out of dodge to the boyfriend.

@23,

#21 is almost definitely talking about someone else. #7 seems to be claiming actual knowledge about this situation.

@8: "I really can't feel sympathy for breeders." And we have no pity for you and your barren, pointless, self-centered existence.

My mother has a personality disorder (some combo of Borderline/Narcissistic) and a mood disorder. She keeps track of things exactly like this, including everything she's ever done for us kids (even when we were minors). And she is a big collector of "evidence" that she's a good mother and otherwise well-liked (esp by "young people" the same age as my brothers and I). When she controls the narrative so tightly, she comes off looking pretty good. But the truth is she is extremely manipulative and parasitic. I give her money and gifts and tokens of affection (honestly, she prefers the cash) just to avoid her tantrums/threats of suicide. The weird thing is, coerced gifts and coerced affection seem (in her mind) as good as the real thing.

I get a little bit of a similar vibe from this IA mother.
Contrast that with my father: he does things for us kids because he loves us and he's our parent (paraphrasing him). Naturally, we children respond back with genuine affection and are eager to help him out when he needs it as well.

People who feel things normally don't need evidence about the nature of a relationship, they just perceive it correctly.

Also, like @25 said, could be the kid as well.

Quoting @23, "I find it extremely suspicious that the mom thinks photos of people smiling at a party or cards signed saying love you always are evidence of anything. Abused kids will do that sort of thing for a long time, because it is what is expected of them."

@28: From the offspring of one borderline mother to another: fucking a, I witness you. If you ever find a way to peace with yours, let me know. I struggle mightily seeking peace with mine.

@28 and @30

My mother to a T, down to the threats of suicide and the accounting of good deeds and the inability to let go of the past. I've given up on peace and now rely on the geographical distance between Vancouver BC and Ohio. That woman has taken years out of my life. I don't really know that there's any formula to repairing a relationship that began broken- just being the good person in the situation takes all the effort. I generally took my cues by behaving the opposite of her.

It really frightens me for the kid described in this I, Anonymous if she herself did not develop an independent identity from her troubled parent. One of the most horrifying things about the idea of parenting is raising up a mirror image of your fucked up self.

@30 and @32, therapy as a teenager actually helped a lot (although it was EXTREMELY painful).

I generally took my cues by behaving the opposite of her.

(sad laugh) Works perfectly well for almost every social situation, right?

@32:

One of the most horrifying things about the idea of parenting is raising up a mirror image of your fucked up self.

On the hopeful side: we fuck up our kids in new and interesting ways?

In all seriousness, I'm pretty sure just having the fear of that guarantees you'll do better. It's rational to fear parenthood because of its terrifying responsibility, but you can still be a decent parent even if you yourself were raised by wolves. Therapy -- good therapy -- helps.

At least, I hope it does.

@Impromptu Slog Children of BPD support group (of which I am a member - my comment @22 was based on experience):

If you have not, read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" or the "BPD Survival Guide" by Randi Kreger OR

"Loving Someone with BPD" (Manning)

Kreger gets the terrible feeling of living with this issue better. Manning makes the picture seem rosier than it is, but her skills (based in DBT) are good and helpful.

Also there are some Family of BPD support groups online - https://www.bpdcentral.com/support-group…

In my experience, self care, setting limits, and effective communication go a long way in improving relations, but they won't give you the parent you wish you had.

Also, I agree with @34 - you don't have to pass on negative patterns to your kids - they can stop with you if you can be aware of what you've picked up along the way and willing to make changes. Good therapy helps with this though.

@28, 30 and 32: I also have a narcissistic borderline personality mother. I have spent a great deal of time wondering about the different ways my two sisters and brother and I have dealt with our childhood experience now that we are middle aged adults. One sister is openly hostile toward Mom; the other sister is in complete denial, believing that we were Ozzie and Harriet growing up. My brother is literally trying to buy her affection, flying from his home in California back to hers on the east coast 3-4 times a year and while there spending hundreds of dollars on food, gifts, furniture, repairs to her house and car, and so forth. I, on the other hand, bury my head in the sand 3000 miles away out here in Seattle and have as little contact with her as possible. On the rare occasions when I speak with my mother I am polite and civil but I could win an Oscar for my acting performance.

Interesting that none of us have had children. And since I am turning 52 next week it's safe to assume that ship has sailed. I don't have the looks or the money to attract a potential wife of childbearing age.

My point is there are many ways of dealing with a dysfunctional parent. The strength required to forgive is the only thing preventing me from completely cutting my mother out of my life, and it certainly isn't easy. My sincere best wishes in coming to terms with your unhappy childhood. You are definitely not alone.

Bitches be crazy.

^Not helpful.

Yup, borderline was my first thought too.

@35: I just bought both those books. I think they, and the online community you recommend, will be helpful not only to me but to my father as well, who's trying to extricate himself from forty-plus years of marriage to my mother. Thank you so much.

My mother also has narcissistic personality disorder and some borderline traits. Our relationship is okay right now, but I always keep my guard up. I live across the continent from her and don't accept favors when I do see her -- not even a pickup from the airport. She's collected a laundry list of "evidence" against me over the years and I don't want to add to it. She's the same way with my brother and sister and has been doing this since we were kids.

Dear mom, Maybe you shouldn't have spent all those years attempting to live this other person's life for them.

I'm surprised the IA isn't crying "parental alienation syndrome" against the father, therapist, or somebody else. I would love to hear the kid's story here... @23, @25, tho score-keeping of "proof" was a big red flag for me too. Narcissists can't or won't accept any blame, so it has to be someone else's fault.

@27: "Barren, self-centered existence"

Perfectly describes breeders. Glad you agree!

Good heavens, I had no idea that mothers were so horrible. And everyone suffers from their childhoods all their lives, and if those sufferers dare to become parents, they will raise their kids to suffer also? How deterministic. How remunerative to therapists.

@47 - No one said that mothers are horrible. Sometimes fucked up people choose to have kids and don't make the greatest parents. Your mother might be awesome, which is wonderful for you.

Thank you, Jude. I will order both of those.

@48, thanks. Not sure why 3 women talking about their BPD mothers elicited such (rather mean) sarcasm. My mother's mother herself is a wonderful intuitive person; my father's mother is natural and warm and funny. My sisters-in-law are wonderful mothers. We who have been exposed to such personality disorders in intimates are extra-sensitive to the "signs;" that's all this is. I guess I should have fleshed-out my response a little better. Perhaps Sarah would like "better" examples of the extreme abuse that resulted in my father getting full custody of us kids.
Personality disorders are pretty rare; no one is generalizing any of this behavior to "all" mothers.

#8 very insightful, after all 'breeders' gave us you, and don't we wish it wasn't so.

Sorry, I'm not buying it. If your kid is this crazy, how did you not recognize it while she was still a kid and you could get her some help? Either you are the crazy one and the accusations are true or you failed to get her help when she was young enough for you to still have control over. Either way, parenting fail. You get the kid you raise.

I just wonder why the courts are being dragged into the sorry situation. What does the kid want? Apparently Mom's backed off. Is the kid suing her for something? Huh? What?

Impossible to figure out and point fingers because it's all so murky....oh ha, derrr... this is the internet. OF COURSE finger pointing and blaming based on nothing much is possible and probably required.

You all are almost better than therapy! It's nice to know that i am not the only one with a BPD mother that I have chosen to no longer have in my life. I , myself just try to be the mother I always wanted and hopefully raise two children who don't grow up to kill women that look like me.