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1. The original letter used offensive terms for transgender (and something like "real women" instead of "cis women") and Dan helpfully substituted more acceptable terms, or
2. LW doesn't know how to use brackets the way some people don't know how to use quotation marks.
Today I have my answer. I think it unlikely that it will happen again, but if I ever do run into that guy, I'll remember to tell him my terms. Thanks BBB. You've solved an old mystery on how to tell a persistent cheater to fuck off once and for all.
@4: Agreed. BBB is indeed a douchebag with poor vocabulary.
I mean, what's with "sitch"? Ag.
@3 nocutename: I second that!
Dan the Man--LOL and a great big kudos to your equally spot on response to DOA! I'm still laughing (oh, shit---maybe I'm NOT GGG enough?).
@2: LOL Slam dunk FTW!
Sigusch, V. (1998). The neosexual revolution. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 27(4):332–359.
Also: there's not such thing as a "natal" woman: people are born infants, regardless of sex and gender. woman take a few years longer... regardless of sex or gender.
Panties-Your wife might be afraid that your interest in wearing female clothing is the first step in you coming out as trans. Just ease back and let her get used to the idea that you like the feel of silk and satin against your bits too. Hell back in my dancer days I usex to wear men's g-strings under my costumes rather then womens because they were generally softer and didn't floss your butt as bad.
I could give a rat's ass if her bf wanted to watch and slurp the imminent creampie.
As long as I got my nut, I'd be happy.
Yes. Stop being a douchebag. A whiny douchebag.
O
I do agree with Dan's oft-repeated advice that it's not like your spouse forgot, so you don't need to keep reminding them. Back off, calm down, maybe unpressured they will decide there's a version they could do. Or not. (And following on 15, assuming you had no interest in this before marrying: people change. Inevitably. Marriage means you try to change together, but that is not easy and unbounded: your late-arriving desire to move back to your hometown may not trigger a similar desire in the spouse who married you believing (with reason) you had no desire to do that, and so with any other big issues.)
For best results, also only hit on women who seem interested.
@6: Square brackets are the routine way to indicate text has been changed: preferable terms inserted (as here); change of tense or pov; replaced a pronoun with the appropriate noun for clarity. They are deliberately interruptive in a way parentheses are not: the latter can be assumed to be original text, the former alert the reader that your 'quote' has been altered.
I would suggest FWB looks for women who are in poly relationships. If they already have a primary partner, they're less likely to want to get exclusive with you three months in. Sure, it means you have to share them and therefore have less of their time, but a low-key, part-time, secondary arrangement (or a few concurrent ones) could satisfy your desire for a relationship that isn't a relationship. Do you know how many bi women want a girl on the side? You could be the answer to our prayers!
Newt?
Is that you?
Letters in advice columns are routinely edited for style, grammar, clarity, etc., but I don't think I've ever seen brackets (or ellipsis points) used to indicate where these edits have taken place. I've certainly never seen them used that way in Savage Love before. Writers/editors of advice columns just edit the letters to make them shorter or more coherent without using any punctuation to call attention to the fact. (For example, last week's letter from Gay Boy Problems, which was a heavily edited Letter of the Day.)
I thought it was possible the LW used offensive terms that Dan edited out without explanation (but somehow wanted to call attention to them with the brackets?), but it seems more Dan-like to reproduce the original offensive language and then point out how that kind of thing ain't cool.
The other possibility is that the LW just doesn't know how square brackets are actually used, and is giving the "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks an idea for a sister site.
Either way, it was just weird, and I can't believe how many people are obsessing over the actual content of this week's column and not the mysterious square brackets.
What is the difference between a sex buddy and a friend with benefits?
First off, mention it early, so that you maximize your chances of scaring off those who won't be able to go there and finding those who will love it.
Second, date someone kinky! Kinky people don't need someone who shares their exact kink if they can find someone who has a strong kink of their own: being GGG is about scratching each other's itches, not about one person always catering to the other person's demands. What has your wife already been doing for you, PANTIES, that gave you the idea she's GGG & open to new things? If you've been satisfying her kinks, I think you'd mention that to Dan, so I'm guessing she has been open to your other kinks, and you just kept pushing for more. You'd be better off trying to figure out what really turns her crank, rather than just pushing and pushing for what you want.
Third, if it turns out to be more important to you than you thought -- be honest with your partner. Don't call it a "small sexual interest" if you're going to be devastated not to get it.
Also the LW's wife is probably worried that he secretly is gay or is wanting to ultimately transition to a trans woman. Silly, but that's the general picture a lot of women have about crossdressers thanks to Drag Race and the increased visibility of trans women (both good things, I might add).
I think he definitely edited it this way to make it clear he was removing some sort of offensive language to make the letter writer look bad.
@32: Pretty much all men (and most women) have SOME sort of interest that falls outside of standard missionary PIV with mild foreplay before and regulation spooning after.
In case that doesn't explain it in sufficient detail, there is also: "Nope, no advice for you because you are too stupid, douchey, and unabashedly self-centered to take advice. You're the asshole who apparently doesn't want to take into consideration the concerns of any other participant in the scenario: not the girl's, not the boyfriend's, the only desires that count are yours. "Because yeah, I'm that guy" is way, way more appropriate to describe you than you will ever have the self-awareness to figure out on your own.'
A sex buddy is someone you know only casually, more of an acquaintance, that you have sex with.
A friend with benefits is a friend, someone you talk with, laugh with, drink with, would do a favor for, and with whom you also have sex.
If the sexual component of the buddy relationship goes, there isn't much else. The two of you could run into each other on the street and not have anything much to say.
If the sexual component of the benefits relationship goes, you're still good friends. You'd want to keep in touch if one of you moved out of town, would want to skype, be concerned about one another's families, and do all the things friends do for one another, have all the emotions that go with friends. You don't have the "in love" emotions, and there's no movement towards commitment.
My guess is that she had written "she-male", since that seems to be the term used in porn. (Unsurprisingly, porn isn't politically correct.)
"My question concerns my fiancé. He is 35 years old. Between the ages of 20 and 30, he was in and out of jail. He has admitted to me that while in prison, he had sex with a tranny. (TRANSLATION: I know that men typically have sex with other men while in prison, and that, coupled with the fact that he had sex with a person who has a penis, makes me wonder if he's really gay.)
I know he loves having sex with real women, but I found out that he watches she-male porn. He says he is just looking, but I know he masturbates to this shit. (TRANSLATION: more evidence that he might be gay.)
To be fair, he watches tons of porn featuring real women. A lot. He loves watching real women and having sex with real women. (TRANSLATION: so maybe he's not gay.)
My worry is that he wants to have sex with trannies/she-males. (TRANSLATION: which I think would make him gay. Because dicks.)
Is this a legitimate worry? He doesn't watch gay porn. I just want to make sure of everything if we are going to be married. (TRANSLATION: I'm a homophobic, transphobic, ignorant, scared bigot who can't bring myself to actually, you know, talk to the man I intend to spend the rest of my life with.)"
****************************************************************************************
Yes, those square brackets are there to highlight what a contemptible person the lw is (and maybe to show Dan to be more enlightened than the glitter-bombing crowd wants to give him credit for. And milkshake @60, the reference to prison time is because the lw is pretty worried that her fiancé got a taste for dick, i.e. a taste for teh gay while in prison. In other words, he was "turned."
Good news: I am now on additional nightly progesterone medication, and this is supposed to help me sleep at night and relieve the 'vaginal and uterine walls wrapped in excruciating razor-sharp barbed wire' pains I have been experiencing between menses and ovulation. First dose is tonight, so, cross your fingers, folks, and we'll see if the exorcism is fully complete.
It's still cheaper than a full-fledged hysterectomy, which my doc and I agree is needless with my insides being as healthy as they are otherwise.
She should work on that side of things as well as updating her language and examining her homophobia.
DON'T rush the wedding.
For me, the biggest part of sexual excitement is the feeling that my partner is excited by me. I do not want to spend my life with a partner who had a major attraction to men, or trans-women as I could never fulfill that desire for them. Frankly, I have lots of other parameters for lifetime partner too- for example, tall is important to me. That doesn't make me bigoted against the short, just not sexually attracted to short.
I'll leave the rest.
I remember using the term "she-male" to describe that kind of porn, and I remember reading Dan using the term to describe that kind of porn.
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
Using the term today means that you're not in touch with the LGBT community, and you certainly don't see yourself as an Ally of a movement you don't even know exists. But it doesn't make you more transphobic than the average American.
What's her question, after all?
>> My worry is that he wants to have sex with [trans women]. Is this a legitimate worry? >>
It seems to me, that the answer depends on the meaning of the word "want" -- of course he wants it with his animal brain; it gets him off. She already knows that and is prepared to marry him anyway. But is he actually likely to have sex with other women (trans or not) if the LW marries him? Well, as nocutename says, that's really something she should ask him, as part of a conversation about their values. The same conversation Dan tells us we should all have before marriage: can we agree on how to value monogamy in the event that one of us is tempted by outside sex?
I was in a similar situation to yours a couple years ago, just out of a years-long first relationship/wanted some time to myself. I remember a lesbian I hooked up with wanted me to meet her parents after like 3 weeks. I remember slowly backing out of her apt.
Then I stumbled into a FWB situation with a bisexual woman. Was fun, not super serious, and neither of us found ourselves navigating to uhaul.com at any point.
The absence of cis women in jail. A straight guy who has sex with men, or trans women, in an all-male prison may just have been making do with the only partners available; one watching trans porn isn't limited to that option.
@70: It appears that I am somewhat alone in my opinion that "it's just clothes, it's not like anyone's getting hurt". Hmm.
That has to run both ways: if she objects to lingerie and "it's just clothes" then forgoing them shouldn't be a big deal to him.
sure, because never in the history of humanity a bisexual woman fell in love with a lesbian. *rolls eyes*
@LW1, just be honest about what you want and cut things off as soon as you notice the other girl may be getting the wrong idea.
While LW is highly objectionable, it was Ms Deirdre who advanced the dubious reason for not wanting a bi partner. But I thank you for addressing that portion of her post.
Check out a book called the O-Loop. It is a life changer.
Also, the argument against the term "bi" is pretty much exclusively one used by the misguided (or, perhaps the deliberately malicious). People who are bisexual are attracted to those who have the same gender that they do and also those who have a different
gender than they do = two different options. It is in no way transphobic. It is, in fact, the terms homosexual and heterosexual that are potentially problematic for those who are transgender. Since if you are not on the gender binary, then you generally don't have a sexual orientation that helps to communicate who you like to date in that system unless you are also bisexual. For example, I am nongender, but I am attracted to men (and possibly other genderqueer people, in theory, but I don't know as I haven't met enough of them. I am probably attracted to less than 1% of all men I meet, and I haven't met that many genderqueer people, so the fact that I've never been attracted to them is statistically fairly meaningless. I can pretty clearly say though that I am not attracted to ciswomen.) Technically, this makes me... well, you could say "heterosexual" since I am not a man and I am attracted to men. So, I am attracted to those who are different from me. But I'd also be heterosexual were I only attracted to women. Or if I were attracted to men and women but not genderqueer folks. So, it doesn't really work. But if I were attracted regardless of gender, then I could be bi, and it'd both make sense and communicate correctly. We just pick on bisexuals because they are an easy target, so why not blame them for the gender problems inherent in the system?
Also, yes, I was aware it was only DeirdreTours making the bizarre argument that you can't satisfy someone unless you can morph into the all of the body types that they find to be attractive, which nobody can do unless someone has very limited attraction. That is why I was replying to her and addressed my reply that way.
Unfortunately, I suspect this is as far as we can go on this one in good faith, as we'll never agree on the parameters. I'll grant you that I don't disagree with your parameters leading to your conclusion of automatic biphobia, but we're not going to make any further productive headway here.
Actually, the razor-sharp off-and-back-on-with-a-vengence vaginal / uterine pains have only struck me within the past year or so. I guess this REDRUM evil has been a long time comin'. Beware of the True Knot, Rose the Hat, and Mrs. Massey!
So far, MUCH better, though: after my first dosage last night, I slept like a baby, didn't hurt at all today, and if this cycle is anything like last month's amazingly normal period, I'll declare myself home-free after 37 years of bloody hell.
@78 Marrena: Thanks! That's an option I haven't tried yet.
You know how you orgasm, and you do orgasm. So what pushes you to fake it when you don't ?
You're no less of a worthy woman if there's only one way you can orgasm, for now. You're just a real, normal woman, not a fake magazine one. And as PinkieB has said, you may eventually learn to orgasm through different ways. But you won't through faking.
Ask yourself : what would you think of a male partner who'd tell you, he'd like the finish to be when he's on top, because it's the only way he can come ?
And : what would you think of the same exact guy, if instead of being open with his particularity, he'd go through all the motions and sounds of coming even when he's not on top, but only when he's on top, the condom has any semen in it ?
Don't be the faking partner. The only people who don't give a shit whether their partner is reduced/manipulated into faking it are people you should run away from : psychopaths and egoistical assholes.
Glad that you've been diagnosed, and getting more comfort out of a better-adapted medication !
Re : crossdressing,
Not all hetero women have an instant rejection to it. I find it a pretty harmless and endearing kink. I don't whether I qualify for GGG-ness, but for me even constant crossdressing is a very long way from being a kink too far.
I've never met any woman who expressed even a fledging flirting interest in me. If that had happened, believe me I would have helped the flirting going along, since I'm curious as a cat.
In fact, I've only met/known one open lesbian in my 20s, and she was in a relationship at the time and so was I, and I'm not the "breaking established relationships just out of curiosity" type.
And I wouldn't go if uninvited to lesbian places or bars, just out of satisfying a curiosity, it seems too disrespectful, since I don't actually get hot for women.
I don't think FLATWH is biphobic, nor do I think she's afraid her husband-to-be is interested in sleeping with other women; I used the word "homophobic" because from the language omitted in her letter and the substitutes Dan used, it seems to me that she regards transwomen as men. For her penis = man; if her guy had sex with a penis-haver, he had sex with a man, i.e. he had gay sex. Therefore, mightn't he be gay himself? If he watches porn that features two performers, both of whom have penises, in her view, he's watching some sort of gay or at least gay-ish porn. Therefore, could he really want to have sex with a man?
Alternately, she is worried that he wants to have sex with a transwoman only. But I don't think that is a true example of biphobia, either in the lw's mind, or in the real world.
EricaP, as for her being not more bigoted than the general population, perhaps so. But she wrote to Dan Savage; presumably she's at least a little familiar with his column, viewpoints, and readership.
@95, if you're serious about wanting to meet lesbians, then there are plenty of LGBT spaces which are open to allies. You might go hear some LGBT musicians, for instance, or attend local Pride events and introduce yourself to people.
@96, yes. She is where she is (and I was there five years ago) and I think she is on the path to educating herself, which is a good thing.
For FWB: I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this, but the best way to have fuckbuddies is to have 2-3 at the same time and rotate them. If you spend too much time per week with one person, someone is bound to start developing feelings. You shouldn't be seeing any one fuckbuddy more than once a week, and even that's pushing it. Ideal spacing is once every two weeks.
However, the suggestions to find women who are in open relationships is a good one. Hell, my dream is to find a lesbian couple who likes threesomes. It's not an unreasonable goal, and if you're only looking for one girl, that's a lot easier. Just throw it up on your OKCupid profile or whatever you have that you're open to dating girls in open relationships.
It would be counterproductive to get your knickers in a knot about it, however. After all, knickers and knots are also unnatural. If you think "unnatural" is a bad word, don't get medicine or wear glasses or read or wear clothes. The sane among us--including the trans sane--recognise that technology makes life better.
So I guess she's afraid that her fiancé is more interested in transwomen than in her, and she fears being cheated on with a transwoman.