T his week on television, prepare yourselves for two moral abominations: Allison Williams of Girls playing the title role in Peter Pan (NBC, Thurs Dec 4, 8 pm), and then the Discovery Channel's Eaten Alive (Sun Dec 7, 9 pm)—in which a human adult is fed to a giant anaconda. (I could've added this week's 2 Broke Girls... but that's enough abominations for one column.)
NOW. Allison Williams climbing into a green little boy suit is one thing—in fact, it's a very erotic thing. However, a stuntman putting on a special protective suit covered with pig blood and shoving himself down the gullet of a big snake is (news flash!) NOT EROTIC AT ALL. Let's pause for a moment to really make sure it's not erotic at all.
NOPE. Not erotic at all.
In fact, it's entirely GROSS. For those unfamiliar few, here's how and why a person would get eaten by a snake on national television: According to Discovery's press release, Eaten Alive is a "documentary" that follows "snake researcher and conservationist" Paul Rosolie into the Amazon rainforest to track down the elusive "world's largest snake"—the green anaconda. After finding it, he will don his "protective suit," douse himself in pig blood, and allow the snake to constrict and then ingest him. And the reason he gives for doing this isn't stupid... like... at all!
"I've seen firsthand how the Amazon rainforest is being destroyed," Rosolie said (not from the inside of the snake, because that would be really muffled and hard to understand). "People need to wake up to what's going on. What better way to shock people than to put my life on the line with the largest snake on the planet, the green anaconda?"
Mmmm... is that a rhetorical question? Because I can think of a few other ways to get publicity for the rainforest that don't involve jamming one's body into the stomach of a snake who will likely die from the encounter. Like maybe... just wrestle the anaconda? That might be erotic. Or take it out for a nice dinner and maybe a movie? (Not initially erotic, but who knows how the evening will turn out? In any case, it won't end with your date dying while trying to digest you.)
Anyway, for those of you who are PSYCHED to watch a big snake eat a guy who will then somehow be pulled out of the anaconda's front or back end—this entire show could very well be a big pile of BALONEY BULL PLOP.
Discovery Channel, and its insincere little sister Animal Planet, are famous for producing fakey nature documentaries and attempting to pass them off as the real thing. (For reference, see their documentaries about megalodon sharks [not real] and mermaids [do I have to say it?].) And besides, it's highly unlikely there's a snake large enough to successfully ingest a live human without splitting itself in half. AGAIN, NOT EROTIC.
So if you really must endure a moral abomination on TV this week—make it Peter Pan. (Note to Allison Williams: If you attempt to eat me, I won't stop you.)
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 3
8:00 CW ARROW
It’s an Arrow/Flash crossover when the evil Captain Boomerang throws… umm… evil boomerangs?
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY
This episode is called “Blood Bath.” (No thanks! I just took a blood shower!)
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 4
8:00 NBC PETER PAN
Allison Williams stars as Peter Pan. (Stop trying to make me feel bad for being turned on by this!)
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 5
8:00 NBC HOW MURRAY SAVED CHRISTMAS
A new animated holiday special about a grump who takes Santa’s place—and excels!
9:00 NBC GRIMM
Something’s sneaking down the chimney… and it’s not old Saint Nick!
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 6
8:00 NBC IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE—Movie
(1946) Every time a businessman commits bank fraud, an angel gets his wings. Wait…
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Featuring James Franco and Nicki Minaj (who sings about anacondas, but doesn’t get eaten by them).
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 7
8:00 TNT THE LIBRARIANS
Debut! A show about librarians who protect humanity! (So why can’t they protect me from overdue charges??)
9:00 DSC EATEN ALIVE
Next, maybe the snake can eat everyone who was involved in making this.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 8
10:00 FAM SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN’ TO TOWN
One of the best creepy Rankin/Bass puppet specials, featuring Burgermeister Meisterburger!
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 9
8:00 CBS RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
Another Rankin/Bass creepy classic, this time about a mutated reindeer and his pal, a gay dentist.
10:00 FX SONS OF ANARCHY
Series finale! Jax and the gang say good-bye with flowers, hugs, and back rubs.
Follow my anaconda on Twitter. @WmSteveHumphrey