You're ok, even if it doesn't happen. Good luck.

As a child of a mother who was adopted, I can only say, its not just you're parents that define you. Its the love of and support of those in your life that adopted you, who brought you up, loved, nurtured, sent you to school and taught you to be a productive member of society. If I were you, I'd revel in what you have instead of what you feel you missed by not knowing something that was beyond your control in the first place. Otherwise, there will always something that you've lamented and you'll end up wasting your life chasing, "what if's" and you may end up opening a box only to realize that it doesnt meet your expectations, causing a lot more grief for yourself.

The IA column has become something other than what it started out to be. The one last week about the guy who snuck into his ex's home and jizzed all over her panties and her toothbrush......Didn't happen. This week's sob story about a person who is apprenhensive about finding her real parents, c'mon you guys, let's get a little more imaginative if we're going to make up stories that the Stranger staff will jump on. I, anonymous is supposed to be a weekly take on stuff that REALLY happened, not some made up shit that you posted to see if the stoned out Stranger Staff would bite on! Sheesh!

@3 What on earth makes you think this is fake? I've known a couple of adopted people who searched out their birth parents and described having very similar feelings. Why would someone bother to write a fake story about an ordinary thing that happens all the time?

It is very possible that your birth parents don't want to be found. Maybe that sounds harsh, but the reality is not all biological that give up their babies want to be reunited years later....

Anon, my best friend in high school was adopted. I saw her go through all kinds of crisis about it.
As far as I know, she hasn't seriously tried to find her real parents.
But I do know she struggled every day. Not just with being adopted, but being adopted by parents of a different race. She was the only Pakistani kid in my very white school, for years. She was adopted by a couple of well-meaning white hippies.
She invented endless stories about where she came from, different every time. It always broke my heart.

I also dated a guy in my senior year who was adopted by a much older couple. When he was 17, they were in their 70's already. He also struggled a lot with that.

One of my coworkers has recently adopted a very small newborn, and suddenly find themselves in the midst of new parenthood with none of the usual 9 months to prepare or adjust..

One thing in common though, with all of them, I know that all 3 sets of people I know who adopted their kids, love them very very much. It might be easy for me to say, not being adopted myself, but it takes a special kind of person to adopt a child that's not your own. Please value your adoptive parents for that. (I am sure you do!)

I wish you luck. I hope that whatever happens, it helps you feel that you are loved, no matter.

@7, you're horrible.

@8 ... Horrible perhaps, but maybe realistic?

A lot of adoptees want to find their birth parents, but there are lots of reasons for giving up a child, and the biological don't always want or care to here from the "problem" they gave up. As well, your biological parents might have very well been Prime Douche Bags.

Sad? Yes. A reality? Yes.

I, Anon should walk away from this idea.

I've never heard of a positive reunited birth child/parent story. It usually sad and very anticlimactic at best.
It is very normal for someone adopted to look for their birth parent(s) and "want to know". Just keep your expectations low. They had the self-awareness to give you up because they weren't able or willing to take care of you.

Adoption trauma is in the mind of the adoptee. It's real, but not ubiquitous. I was adopted and never gave it a second worrisome thought. I discovered my birth family this year. I'm almost 70. I have 5 siblings that are wonderfully accepting. @10.. There are many stories on the web about positive reunions. Go look.

Really? 11 comments so far and not one mention of the obvious point that their parents we're too busy off trying to get nursed off the cocaine and malt liquor to be any good at parenting?
Do you ever look up at the moon and wonder if they're looking at that same moon, and somehow you are together again?
You're better than them Joe Dirt, you need to keep on keepin' on, you can't have 'no' in your heart, life's a garden, dig it.

Really? 11 comments so far and not one mention of the obvious point that their parents were too busy off trying to get nursed off the cocaine and malt liquor to be worth a shit at parenting anyway?
Do you ever look up at the moon and wonder if they're looking at that same moon, and somehow you are together again?
You're better than them Joe Dirt, you need to keep on keepin' on, you can't have 'no' in your heart, life's a garden, dig it.

@12... I was conceived during WWII. My mother was young and her father was a religious, abusive nut case. She didn't want me reared in that environment and was afraid of what her father would do to her if he found out she was pregnant.

I don't understand why you assume the worst. The opposite makes life so much happier.

#8

I have had two people I know, basically cast aside the people that reared them, and go search for their sperm donor/rent-a-womb.

The drugged out teen Mom is a actual telling of one of the stories.

The other was finding out the your Father had murdered his entire family of 8, then his Mom's family of 4, and leaving her for dead after hitting her a few dozen times with a hammer.

She was less than nice, something about if she hadn't been in the hospital, in a coma, knitting needles would have been used, and her, my friend, mere presence offended her greatly.

Does anyone have anything else to share?

Stories like these make my upbringing seem, somewhat, normal.

I'd adopt if I wanted more kids, I'd let them know about it after they became adults, or each, and every, time they annoyed me, but I have, somewhat, normal spawn, and re-spawn.

Anon who you are comes from what you do and the choices you make. Who shares your DNA only matters if you let it.

There are many people who won't or can't be with their families but that doesn't mean they have no identity.

I wish you well.

I can't relate to whatever stigma you feel as an adoptee, but I do know how it feels to come from a dysfunctional, abusive home. Many, many people get stuck with parents who are ill-equipped for the job or who never wanted it in the first place. I'm sure your biological parents gave you a huge advantage by giving you up for adoption, and I'm sure your adoptive parents -- your real parents -- love you very much.



And yes, you'll be okay.

I, Anon, check out the adoption sub on Reddit, /r/adoption. You'll find many adult adoptees will to offer support and stories of their own struggles. Ignore all the nasties here - they have no idea what they're talking about and what you're going through. Talk to other adoptees.

@14 I'm not sure 12 and 13 are serious, they might be just making the running joke about cocaine and malt liquor that is often appears in the comments for I,A. Ziff (@5 and 9) on the other hand, is being an ass.

...Which is funny, because I believe Mr. Zifferelli originated cocaine and malt liquor....

@10--I am a happy adoptee reunion story. I assumed that my birth parents wouldn't want me to look them up, but my assumption was REALLY way off. I only decided to do it to find out more about my health history now that I'm middle-aged.

Anonymous, your "Who I am" is someone who is hung up on the idea of sperm and egg donor being meaningful relationships.

You already know your parents, they're the people who raised you. It is what it is. Best case, you're gonna find a stranger (or two, maybe?) who wasn't in the right place to raise a child a while ago and knew it.

But all that aside, good luck, I hope you find happiness.

I was adopted, and the fact of the matter is it is it can be a completely disempowering process to undergo, and live with. People want to believe that it's this miracle, and there must be something wrong with you if you aren't 100% grateful for it all the time. I don't believe I've met a single person who responded to my FEELINGS like that, who had been through it themselves. I read a very insightful book entitled 'The Primal Wound,' that I could not put down, and I would highly recommend to anyone exploring thier ambivalent feelings toward this. Admittedly, I found the overuse of the word 'annihilation' to be obnoxious, but overall the content was very useful.

@20 As many times as the ziffster has brought up cocaine and malt liquor I can only assume he has first hand experience with both. Maybe that's why he posts such "stuff"

I'm the biological father of a boy who I had with a woman who was a drug addict who murdered my best friend of whom I grew up with and started a punk band with,of which we played in for 25 years.I couldn't at the time afford to raise the boy,I was homeless,sleeping on couches or whereever I could.His biological mother was in prison,just beginning a 34 year long prison sentence.I of course say biological because we gave him up at birth,and he was raised by a family in a southern state with brothers and sisters.he was afforded a good family life we could never afford him.That was the best we could do for him. I think of him every day,and feel sad daily from this decision we made,but I know it was best,and I hope someday I can meet him and explain everything. Afterward I assume he'd understand. Life doesn't always work out in a way where we can live with ourselves comfortably,but sometimes we do what we have to because that's what's best for our children.This is just one story from one person who lived that experience. I hope it helps you to rationalize an empathize.Maybe they were between a huge rock and a very,very hard place.

I was adopted, and so were 2 of my siblings. As adults, we found our bio families and all had different experiences. My sister's family put out a restraining order against her (she is mentally ill and was obsessing about how her bio family would save her from her mental illness), my brother's family declined to open themselves to him (his birth came from a traumatic incident for his mother), and my (lucky) experience was great. I have another huge family (paternal and maternal) that I have CHOSEN to become a part of. However, my brother, sister and I learned through this that what we had growing up is all that we may ever get, and that's okay. That's what bio kids know instinctively. Adopted people are given a unique gift of resiliency when we learn that other people's tragedies don't have to completely define us. It's a process, Anon, and the more reading you do about adoption from all points of view is helpful. Dan Savage wrote a nice book about adoption, and there are many others from lots of different perspectives. The point is, though, that as an adult you get to decide what your perspective will be, because your life *will* go on after you open your mail. And you don't have to act on it immediately, once you have the information. Good luck and I hope you find what you want.

I found my birth mom on Facebook a few years ago. Sent her a simple "hi" message. She actually replied with her email address. I've never responded. It was the first time I'd heard from her in over 20 years.

@ #9,



Actually meeting the biological parents and finding out the truth, even if they turn out to be awful, is a good thing. There are usually other relatives that are awesome, and as with #6's Pakistani friend, the wondering is over with. I detest the word closure because it's become so meaningless but in this case there is closure or simply and end to the mystery. And, yes, I do have friends and relatives that were adopted from parents who were inadequate to be parents and finding out the truth was better than not knowing.

Our family just got a new cousin, also born during WWII.

He had reached out to his bio dad, my uncle, and my uncle denied him. Said it was his brother, not him. Which my new cousin knew wasn't true.

After my uncle died, he reached out to us again, and this time the story was different. Open arms.

I wanted a DNA test, not because there was any doubt (the man has two engineering degrees, and his new cousins are LITTERED with math and engineering degrees -- plus he looks just like another granduncle), but just because we would have the numbers.

Everyone thought I was silly -- until it was time to actually get the results. All of us were giddy to see the numbers -- 100% that he is the grandson of my grandfather.

His experience with his father wasn't pleasant, he has now made contact with his mother's family -- she had died already, and ALL of us, both sides, are so happy to have this person in our lives.

He is family. Period.

In an age where we can tell a great deal about one's health based on family history, it's incredibly selfish for the parents of children who are later adopted to hide their own identities.

This is really a two way street and both parties need to agree to meet. If one side doesn't want to meet then frankly it shouldn't happen. Mother's don't give up their children for adoption unless there is some type of trauma that led to having to give up the child.

@2:



You can't possibly understand the nagging feeling of being incomplete when you are adopted, no matter how great your adoptive parents are. Easy for you to say "be grateful for what you have," but unless you are an adoptee, you just don't get it.

Im adopted and always considered it a blessing since my adoptive family is pretty great. I was also an infant and have no recollection of any other family. I don't remember ever not knowing that I was adopted. Still, there are always some questions and holes to fill.

I just got my birth certificate thanks to this law. It tells me my mothers maiden name, age, confirms where I was born and thats about it. I apparently didn't even have a name when it was filled out. Not sure I will dig any deeper, but it sure would be interesting to at least see a picture of what a person related to me looks like. I have a daughter now, so maybe that will suffice. I definitely empathize with anon, this is complicated stuff. My sister recently established contact with her birth family and its kind of a mess. I dont think theres a right answer for everyone except, if you go down this road, proceed with great caution.

I'm pulling for you! I have a feeling that it's going to be okay.

I don't get to be a grandparent yet, because the parents opted to adopt out their baby. Because it is an open adoption, I know the child seems happy and is healthy.

Even though we offered to raise the child, we will not get to meet until age 18 or older. Until then, there is a hole in my heart that won't heal.

I hope you have a good therapist/counselor. As the adoptive mom of a school-age child who has annual visits with her birth parents supervised by me, I predict the emotions you will experience - regardless of how the process goes and what you learn - are likely to be overwhelming. Just know that you are a worthwhile human being, and that you bear no responsibility for your birth parents' decision to relinquish you.