Comments
Please wait...
Comments are closed.
Commenting on this item is available only to members of the site. You can sign in here or create an account here.
Editors' Picks
is a proud member of the
network
network
All contents © Noisy Creek, Inc.
1101 East Pike St. Suite 300, Seattle, WA 98122
1101 East Pike St. Suite 300, Seattle, WA 98122
I do sense, men especially, find it a helpful tool in their sexual expression. Some women, as well.
My experience( or lack of) in the area of porn- leaves me feeling like I don't want to comment on this.
If your woman is freaking out about you looking at other women, in public. That , I can have an opinion on. And it sounds way too controlling and unpleasant.
If you indulge her here, she will try to control her anxieties, by curtailing other aspects of your life. And if you get married, have kids- look forward to many yrs of this stuff. Only tighter.
She sounds like she has boundary issues. You are not her. She is not you.
It is her issue to work on. Does she have interests outside you? A life apart from you?
If you guys are having such problems with boundaries, do you think it wise to marry?
Good you guys are talking and moving thru his compulsions. In regard to your increased desire- what Dan and the Dr have said sounds helpful.
LW3. You enjoy these sessions with your partner, you have regular intimate sex where he's not looking at porn.
Your best friend should butt out.
Porn can be also used to explore a sexual preference/fantasy, allowing viewers to see for themselves and decide if they would like to pursue it further.
Example: Last week you mentioned your interest in a woman who's essentially a man. Ever thought of watching a video of a pre-op transexual doing it with a woman and see how you feel about it?
That said, I understand your preference for imagination, especially when it's so much easier to control the action and synchronize with the rest of our bodies. Some say it's a woman thing which may explain why I like it too, though not exclusively as you seem to be.
Pretty rigid view that porn was bad. I have, however, realized I was being naive.
I guess I could try , for academic purposes..
As Warren Ellis pointed out years ago, sex drives visual entertainment. Dirty movies drove the tech first for home movies, then VHS, DVD, then streaming video. All major web browsers now have a âporn setting,â they might call it Private Browsing, Incognito, whatever, but basically itâs a way to surf porn so your SO canât bust you. No history, no cache or cookies.
All these browsers have it because itâs like power steering, you canât be competitive without it. Your old man can be watching Mompov while youâre down the hall brushing your teeth, and good luck catching him.
Of course, porn shouldnât be that antagonistic sort of a battle, but just wanted to inject a dose of reality into the does he/doesnât he debate. You want a guy who doesnât look at porn, try your local graveyard.
Re face sitting, the girl needs to post up a bit on her knees and shins, as otherwise breathing (for the guy) becomes a factor. Itâs useful if he has a crick in the neck, though Iâve long been a fan of the woman having her hips on the edge of the bed, guy kneeling on a cushion or something of appropriate height so he can maintain a fairly neutral neck angle (this also allows easy use of both hands, of which God gave you two, so use them. )
I'm a girl who's never had a problem with porn, and I watch a lot of it frequently (or at least, used to - we'll get to that in a minute). Much to my surprise, when a couple months ago my long-distance bf made a passing, and certainly not the first, reference to watching porn, I felt a sudden, sharp pang of jealousy and was secretly very hurt. I ignored it that time, but it occurred again a while later. The cause *did* turn out to be a real problem, but was only vaguely related to the trigger.
As stated, my bf and I are long distance, and due to unfortunate circumstances of my current living conditions, I haven't had access to decent internet in months. When I did, we used to have cam sex, and I also used to stream porn quite a bit, but both of those things came to an end with the internet problems. Also, our sexual banter in chatting had decreased a lot since we're not as new to each other anymore (we're 2 years in). So in the time we were apart (3-4 week spans), I was getting basically no sexual attention from him - no cam sex, no discussions of sexual interests, no "hey sexy", nada. I hadn't realized until the porn comments made me insecure what a toll this was taking on me emotionally, and it took those pangs I felt to prompt me to bring it up to him. Afterwards, when we figured out some more creative ways for him to show me sexual attention, I was back to not feeling insecure about porn.
So LOST, it's entirely possible that something similar is going on here, and your girlfriend either doesn't realize this is the problem, or doesn't feel comfortable telling you. Does she maybe want more sex than she's getting? Or wish you were expressing more desire for her? It could even be unrelated to sex - maybe she wishes you expressed more appreciation for her generally.
It does sound like she has an anxiety disorder - I should know, since I have one as well. But even if she does, it's entirely possible there's a real issue underlying what she's projected onto porn here.
I don't mean we shouldn't take LOST at his word, and believe that he doesn't watch that much porn or that his fiancĂŠe isn't extremely insecure, but there may be more to this situation than we've been told.
It is also possible that while the fiancĂŠe is indeed insecure, it's not so much a question of her insecurities getting worse, as much as it is a combination of getting less attention from the lw and him apparently paying more attention to other women (maybe this is just a case of some of the newness of that first flush of all-consuming lust burning off over time).
In any case, Alison Cummins and EricaP, as enlightened and non-jealous practitioners of non-monogamy as anyone could ask for, have admitted to their own insecurities, which may be less about porn (or the existence of other women) and more about a sense that their husbands wish they were something other than what they are.
I think the problem/issue is far more nuanced than either the letter or the vast majority of the comment thread acknowledges or allows for. There may be a reason why 4 therapists think he and his behavior are contributing factors.
I agree that porn can be a turn off, especially when it includes abusive bs acts and extremely tacky production value. Just like you I often find my very own fantasies to be more appealing then those that others are shoving in my face.
But porn consumption can still be a way to check things out and help you figure what is it that you want, or not, and how to implement them in real life experiences and/or fantasies.
âAcademicâ and âexploratory committeeâ are always good excuses to do just that. Or as you wrote, âmaybe not.â
I think I can spin this one either way. If you'd allow for my being a white wig in this particular court, I could probably at least make reasonable doubt that non-insecurity is a Male Privilege ("how DARE he not question his sense of self-worth at the thought that I find other men attractive/wish he were as objectively hot as X?!?") desperately requiring Unpacking. I could contrariwise offer the thought that having no grounds whatsoever for feelings of that sort of insecurity might not be that agreeable a state of existence for either Ms Erica or Ms Cummins for a prolonged period of time if one were to think carefully about all that would be entailed.
What I do think we can do is put the opinions of the therapists out of court unless the letter is almost a total lie. She's not getting better, and their offerings of "go to a clinic or this relationship is toxic" and "if he loves you, he won't X" make it seem vastly most probable that, IF they happen to be right, it's a case of the paranoid person being the object of a genuine conspiracy for once.
@70 Eud - I got the impression from the letter that it was her libido that had changed recently, not his.
She did mention a recent libido change with herself as well as at least one other in the relationship. I don't get your point.
@72 AFinch - If it were rooted in some testable, independently repeatable objective phenomenon, the argument wouldn't exist.
You'd think.
Ah, venn, I dislike the word privilege--how often it seems to shut down a conversation--but I suspect you're right. At least, that jives with my experience.
I think that for me, not being randomly insecure took practice, as if it were a muscle I had to learn to flex. In a way it's like meditating. An unpleasant thought pops up in your brain ("He was watching x...does he secretly want x? Does he think x is hotter than me?"), and you notice it, but rather than engaging with it you just let it go. It's of no use. This, like meditation, gets easier with practice. (And like meditation, I don't think you can ever completely control the thoughts that appear. But you can control your response to them.)
And just to pre-empt the inevitable comments: there is nothing wrong with the equipment or the drive. Thanks for your concern.
Ah, venn, I dislike the word privilege--how often it seems to shut down a conversation--but I suspect you're right. At least, that jives with my experience.
I think that for me, not being randomly insecure took practice, as if it were a muscle I had to learn to flex. In a way it's like meditating. An unpleasant thought pops up in your brain ("He was watching x...does he secretly want x? Does he think x is hotter than me?"), and you notice it, but rather than engaging with it you just let it go. It's of no use. This, like meditation, gets easier with practice. (And like meditation, I don't think you can ever completely control the thoughts that appear. But you can control your response to them.)
http://queerporn.tv/wp/jacques-le-femme-…
http://queerporn.tv/wp/bailey-jay-and-ch…
I don't mean to discount the prevalence of sex (and porn)-negative therapists out there, and I do think it's bizarre that the fiancĂŠe keeps saying that she wants to get help for her insecurity and the therapists keep turning it into "your fiancĂŠ is watching porn and should stop." I wonder how she (or they) introduces the topic?
I also wonder whether Dan's frequent advice to pretend to stop looking at porn--and do your best to keep up the illusion by not leaving it lying around so to speak, or to refrain from talking about it--while the person bothered by the porn does his/her best to pretend to believe that the porn-consumer isn't consuming it, and doesn't go looking for evidence to the contrary would help here, or whether no matter what LOST does, his fiancĂŠe's growing insecurities are going to scuttle this relationship and all future healthy relationships for her.
I hear LOST's voice, a little like the guys last week.
Like" what the fuck have I done here,doesn't she know Im really in this relationship " a sort of innocent confusion at their women's behaviour.
I'm realizing how much time I wasted over the yrs worrying about my husband looking at other women, etc etc.
From this distance and out of the attachment, I can see how stupid that mind set is. Wanting the other to only have you in mind, being jealous at their attractions to others and their jealousy at ones attractions to others.
Ciods, think how you phrase it is true, best to not follow those thoughts. Not base ones worth in the world on whether ones partner is, momentarily, finding another attractive, or more attractive than oneself. Such insecurity undermines the relationship.
The more freedom there is in relationship(s), for each Person to be themselves, surely that makes for a stronger connection.
***
Mr Hunter - That's more or less what I'd heard; I've vaguely wondered once or twice whether there's been a more nuanced feminist response than the reported, "Ban W, X and Y but not Z because we *like* Z."
As we see, us women share and share.
Jeff(discussing porn): Sometimes I'd imagine the women in the pictures could see me and they'd yell, "PERVERT! PERVERT!" You get bored of that eventually.
Lava- here is my videos review
First, from the edited one-minute or so clips all four participants seemed to enjoy the action. Unfortunately they donât tell us how the couples met, and I say so because situations and such can enhance my porn experience.
The first couple is a het m/f that look a little different in terms of make up, tattoos, piercing, and even a pair of royal blue jockeys! But with maybe the exception of some butt play she gives him as she finishes him off, the entire action is typical het including him slapping her ass- DO WOMEN REALLY LIKE THIS???
Porn acting talent often makes me think of athletes going through some obstacle course and feel obligated to cover the entire bedroom repertoire as fast as they can.
The second video features two pre op trans women. They are passable women above the belt yet have a functioning penis under the equator. They do it with each other, which may be appealing to some, and they also seem to be on the athletic side.
@CMDwannabe: Yes, some women (this woman) like having their asses slapped--very much.
@ChairmanOfTheBored @139: I'll add.... sometimes that judgment comes from me.... I know there have been a few times in my younger days where I thought "i cant believe you just let me do THAT to you.... what is wrong with you?"
Great. So that whole "if you let him have sex with you, he won't respect you in the morning" thing is true, too?
Guess what, younger version of yourself? Some of us women didn't "let" you do stuff to us; we wanted you to do that stuff to us.
Jeez, if we don't like porn, we're cockblocking prudes; if we like our sex dirty, we're not worthy of ordinary respect and there's something "wrong" with us. Can't fucking win.
Chairman did own his younger self had these attitudes ..
My younger self, geez, she really was a difficult girl.
I've got F word once( Venn)
P word once( you).
This is just from memory, mind..
And yes, I realized this a long time ago, but it still makes me mad and sad and frustrated.
She's not wrong, she's just wrong about that being wrong.
My fantasy cross dresser stays a full male, just sometimes dresses as his woman.
No hormonal or surgical changes..
Ya, some guys really suck. I would like to think it's a frat boy attitude from a couple decades ago that is slowly going the way of the dodo, but maybe that's just wishful thinking.
Rest assured, I'm your fantasy come true- and you are mine- if only there weren't all those huge bodies of water between us. And I believe I do dress nicely.
Trans pre-op women can still get it up. Laser-and-silicone-enhanced looks help achieving a passable one, and a penis can be easily tucked under jeans/tights/shapewear etc.
I have never in my life been able to say "stop," once things feel good (and they usually do pretty quickly), and it's bad enough to have been judged a slut by the other girls, but to be seen negatively from the boys who weren't stopped . . . well, that's just all kinds of wrong.
@LavaGirl: You and your family live in Queensland, Australia, right?
How far is that from Newcastle, New South Wales? I just read an intense article on Yahoo just a couple minutes ago about a great white shark terrorizing the beaches of Newcastle! The pictures I saw looked like something out of "Jaws". Yikes! I hope you're all staying safe in the beach weather (you'd mentioned your sons like to surf)!
And as far as the whole base thing...didn't that go out with bell bottoms and Meatloaf?
And all this white collar criminally insane hatred on the Earth and humanity because they can't and likely never will get laid.
Nocute. Yes. I do think boys/ men can be very ambivalent re girls' / women' s desire. Obviously, given the mad control of girls/ women in Middle Eastern countries, this impulse to control women is what? Deep? Universal?
Women arouse men, so blame and shame and close down the women?
Very old stuff. We women in the west, at least, have moved those goal posts a lot. I've never understood it either. If a man's lust is ok why isn't a woman's ?
Seem to be a lot more shark sightings, attacks, death of humans , lately.
One of my boys surfs. He knows the risks, as does every surfer.
We have shark nets in Qld, sharks however, can swim under them. Not sure of the policy in NSW.
@127: Thanks for the affirmation. It's true that probably 98% of men like porn, but that doesn't mean the 2% who don't should be rounded down to zero. Or that there's something wrong with them. Different strokes (ba-dum tish) for different folks, and all that. I wonder why the same people who support the right to look at whatever porn they want can't support the right to not look at porn at all?
@139: I'm glad your older self seems to have figured out how fucked up that is.
@142: Some women like being spanked, some do not. Just like everything. Good rule of thumb: ask before you spank :)
Her libido went up. Nothing that can be done to him is going to fix that "problem." Remember that time when a young woman wrote in to say she'd never had an orgasm, and couldn't even masturbate, and you decided this meant she was dating the wrong guy, even though the problem obviously had absolutely nothing to do with him? You seem to be having that problem again.
A woman having a libido spike doesn't mean her man has had a libido collapse; she's just having a spike right now. He doesn't need to be punished or "therapized" for this, because it has nothing to do with him. You realize that they're different people, right?
Women are people. When something changes in a woman, any therapy needs to be directed at her, not at the nearest man.
Yeah, I'm a slut and I'm proud of it. Some of my happiest moments are directly related to my sluttiest ones.
You'd think straight men/boys would figure out that's it's stupid to denigrate what you really want. But still . . .
"Female" and "interested in sex" are easy targets for bullies. They are inescapable qualities for which people are only too willing to accept scorn.
Being a slut is a fine quality if it's who you really are and you embrace it.
Or I think that's what you're saying: that girls/women who are interested in sex are only too willing to accept scorn. Is that what you meant? Because if that's what you're saying, I think you're wrong.
Poor impulse control about sex can be threatening to monogamy. Also a lack of self awareness about your own sex response. "I'll never be attracted to anyone but you," isn't a good thing to hear from a partner imo. Romantic nonsense only gets you through a year or two, I think it's a horrible foundation. Similarly I think people should be realistic about porn. This is more my point than what you seemed to interpret.
@Eud - This is really boring for me, can I get a cookie for civilly defending my viewpoint to you? I don't need to and really don't want to talk anymore about the a-word... but, since you are being nice.
I think that PAR and husband have similar natural libido, that her libido was depressed by his deployments while his was refocused to porn, and that eventually became a bad habit for them which she broke and he did not. And now that he's unable to provide for her, things are falling apart; they need to figure out a new way to satisfy each other with porn permanently in the picture without any more escalation on his or resentment on her part. Ack.
Ok maybe you weren't so nice. If you can call the opinion that women should face facts when their man can't provide for them sexually "a problem". Some men are a better fit, style and preference-wise, than others, for a specific woman; it's not a problem to admit it.
In my experience using porn allows me to visualize someone that doesn't have a major downside. If I visualize my SO I will quickly become obsessed. If I don't visualize her it will be some other woman I interact with on a regular basis, something which is fraught with its own problems.
Really a quick visit to redtube seems to be the most rational way for me to keep from getting super irritable.
I'm not saying it's universally that way, just that you can find many people who will feel guilt or shame or inferiority, particularly young people. You don't seem conflicted about being sexual and that's as it should be. Perhaps I'm just pessimistic about how much progress is yet to be made. Put this way: if a particular insult never hits the mark, why keep using it? You asked why men do what they do if it's against their sexual self-interest. I'm suggesting that the motivation is not sexual but rather it's ego-related.
But she was incredibly insecure about other women. When I would come home from the grocery store and say "oh, I was chatting with the checker about the price of milk...", my girlfriend would immediately say "is she prettier than me?" She was just obsessed with whether or not sure was perceived as attractive and seemed to need constant reassurance from everyone.
We lost contact for many years, but recently reconnected. She says she has PTSD and doesn't work because of an uncle who, when she was a teenager, put his hands on her butt. She's clearly had some anxiety issues her whole life ( and I'm sure that having a bf that turned out to be gay didn't help).
Uh, anyway the point is that there's more than just the porn issue going on with LW1. The girlfriend has some other issues she needs to deal with.
But as a straight man, you'd have to be a complete idiot to shame women for being willing to have sex.
I heard the âbasesâ thing just a few months ago from a man in his forties. I asked him what was so exciting for straight men about fucking a woman in the ass. Was it forbidden, dirty, what? He thought for a bit. âItâs fifth base.â And the very most exciting part for him was me *wanting* fifth base, that he didnât have to ask.
Which ties in with women who expect to support themselves rejecting slut-shaming. If your livelihood does not depend on making one man dependent on you for sex for the next fifty years, why shouldnât everyone spread the love?
That's a very capitalist model: the market. I wonder if female-to-female slut shaming is as prevalent in communist cultures.
I suspect it is, because I think there's another part to women/women slut shaming, which is about trying to feel safe. It's a scary world and sexual assault is frequent. So if you set up rules for how to behave to protect yourself you can feel safer. Then you can judge those other women who are assaulted, determine it's their own fault, and feel a bit relieved believing yourself to be safe because you follow those rules.
Not at all the point. I'm sure He could stop if he wanted too. The point is, he doesn't want too and it's not a reasonable request to make by a partner. Don't mean he's "addicted".
I love having a beer while I watch the football game. If I had a good reason not to have that beer, I could. But i enjoy it, and it would be unreasonable for my gf to ask me not too (for context, I never drink more then 2, and haven't been drunk for years. Obviously if that 1 beer turned into many that would be a "reasonable request") . So if she made such a request, why would I stop? And my refusing to NOT stop is no proof of my inability to stop
I just don't want to give in to an unreasonable request.
Same with the LW. His choosing not to acquicise to an unreasonable request is not proof of a disability to be able to do so.
163: I fully support anyoneâs right to not look at porn, and sure, a few guys donât, just like a few guys are asexual, and no, theyâre not the same and neither is a pathology.
Itâs important for women to know that these guys are indeed a severe minority, however. Pursuant to Danâs message that as more people found out that they knew gay people, more people decided that homosexuals arenât monsters, if a woman whoâs decided that sheâs holding out for a non-porn-watching guy because that guyâs morally better or whatever, who finds that her brother and best male friend and dad all (98% likely) watch porn, she might decide that porn doesnât in fact turn men into rapists.
In any event, I think the evidence is out there, and Iâm not inclined to proselytize for porn acceptance any more than Iâll have a serious talk with a 12-year old who says, sure, YOUR parents might bring you Christmas presents, but MY presents are brought by Santa.
RE the girls who DO are sluts thing...No doubt, some guys are assholes, but Iâve always found, especially later in life, other women are at least as much the gatekeepers here, oh, she thinks sheâs so hot, but sheâs such a slut...that sort of thing.
It seems like both ends are moving towards the middle. Women over, say, 35 have, at least some of them, been known for becoming âmore like guys,â independent, sexually assertive, less caring for public opinion, a large reason why they have and do figure so large in male fantasy (â...I never believed those letters I read before, but I was mowing Ms Johnsonâs lawn last week, with my shirt off, and she appeared at the window in a halter top asking if I wanted some lemonade...â).
Younger women appear to be moving in that same direction, doing stuff like non-tiny tattoos...and watching porn...that decades ago, anyway, would have labelled them as damaged Bad Girls.
To use your example, it shouldn't be a big deal to watch a few games without beers if the reason makes sense (maybe her kink is watching games with you as foreplay but she finds beer breath a turn off). A horny spouse is when it makes sense to stop porn. Saying "You're wrong - the hypothesis is irrational and controlling and not worth an actual test," is when you know you have a problem. That thinking is irrational. It is rational to rely on tests and evidence and not your own feelings or faith. Feelings aren't exactly optional, and they can be a helpful response, but they are not necessarily rational. And I agree that women who don't want their partner near porn will have the same problem as women who can't tolerate alcohol breath, they are very limited in potential partners.
@182 Chairman - Meant to reply to your original post but got distracted. I didn't think it was a defense of applying morality to consensual sex. I took it as admitting the weakness of insecurity about what you like, that you made mistakes taking this out on lovers and hopefully don't repeat them. Some women wrongly take their insecurities, or unhappiness about some status quo, out on a particular man too. It's not a good look and I'm glad you realized it. I think it's a cliche that a lot of women have been hurt by. Your post could have been more sensitive. But I didn't judge it rude. Hope you continue to post.
@173: OMG my first ex-boyfriend was like that, too. It was so bad that we'd go see a movie and he'd go into a grump if the lead actor was "better looking than him." Insecurity knows no gender.
But given what you wrote, it is hard to see that you aren't copping to having been critical of any woman who'd "let" you have sex with her. And given the culture, that interpretation made sense.
Sorry if I annoyed you.
Thanks for your welcome as well as your kind words.
The reason I brought up the spanking-during-sex issue is because this trend seems to have been popularized- maybe even started- by the porn industry regardless of participants consent, all along telling viewers that âyou should do it, everyone else does and besides, women like it too.â
As I recall couple years ago a woman had a question here, wondering why they keep doing this to her.
As pro porn as I may be it should be noted that some acts, or rather their execution, might come across as potentially abusive. One example is the violent âface fuckingâ some times seen on x-rated videos. Make no mistakes, I love oral sex, but those scenes look forced, painful, and degrading.
But maybe you meant that someone else intimidated you with their weird advances, and you reacted by shaming them. That makes sense too, to be insecure about the depth of your own experience, or afraid of too much newness too fast.
I still think they're idiots from an economic perspective. When you deregulate the pussy economy - i.e., give people some room to save, spend, and invest as they see fit - the economy grows, and all boats (well, at least the majority) are lifted.
@nocute: Economics certainly isn't the whole story, but even then, people tend to favor stories that favor their interests.
When I was young...and totally inexperienced... I was frequently amazed by my partners desires...it opened up a whole new world. There was no shaming involved. Ever. You could actually poll every lover i have ever had and they would say the same thing... (unless a wide-eyed stare, smirk, and pupils insanely dilated are considered shaming...haha)
in short...if i ever WAS bothered by anything that ever occurred with a lover... i was always smart enough to understand it was definitely my problem...and therefore never vocalized it... ( i realize there are mixed messages in these posts...but there were mixed messages in my head when i was in my early 20s too...so i figure that is okay.) I WAS intimidated by woman who slept with anything that moves... but i was also disgusted by men who did the same. It was never my thing. Sex and intimacy too intertwined. (now i am rambling... lol)
there is a reason for my picture.... i try not to take myself too seriously... but maybe its a mirror from time to time. haha
@Alison: If your livelihood does not depend on making one man dependent on you for sex for the next fifty years, why shouldnât everyone spread the love?
Here's a fascinating documentary about sex in East Germany. Lots of support for the idea that removing economic incentives does indeed promote more positive, egalitarian attitudes towards sex. It's also by far the most compelling case for communism I've heard.
It's a great movie, and a must-watch for any armchair sexologist.
I agree; I think after men come from a casual fuck they often feel guilt and shame rather than happiness and satisfaction. (Women too, but we're talking about why men slut-shame here.)
The men sometimes displace their bad feelings onto the woman and think that she shouldn't have let them do what they did. It's like the self-hating gay guy who loves the gay sex until he comes, and then he hates the guy who shared that moment with him.
In other words (to reword Philophile's thought @188), when you don't accept your own desires, I call that self-hating, and criticizing one's sex partner is a way to redirect that self-hatred outward (to reduce the pain it causes oneself).
@seandr -- They had sex in Eastern Germany?
"I venture to suggest that quite a lot of people can build palaces of insecurity out of thin air or material barely more substantial."
Had it been my opinion that all the insecure people in that group were women and none were men, I'd have specified so.
RIMM, I wonder if your man would return the favor if the situation was reversed?
I confess that I hadn't thought about it at all. And I think that male insecurity is alive and well, just about different things and perhaps manifesting differently than female.
I also think insecurity transcends sexual orientation lines.
Equal opportunity for all to be worried!
I like to think of this as any preference is fine, but people who are not careful with my body and my feelings are good to stay away from. So not always my problem, or his, usually just a bad match.
and therefore never vocalized it...
Thanks for writing this, I didn't think it was clear in the original post.
I thought about the sex shame question. I think that women sex shame women for the things that they themselves would dislike, most often. I think we use shame to punish for beneficial reasons as well as unfair reasons. Bad reasons are to manipulate a better dating pool or being inappropriately protective, while the good reason is to scare other women out of making bad choices. Shame is a crude tool, like verbal violence. Sometimes a quick patch works ok. For use in an emergency or when you can't explain yourself adequately.
Does this sound right? Is male sex shame like this, the stuff attacking submissive behavior? Like the female sex shame about indiscriminant sex? (I believe attacking preferences on moral grounds is harmful, I'm not trying to say otherwise.)
Forgive me, maybe I truly have been spending too much time pondering my own insecurities to see anyone else's, lately.
Among humans, we're all still human.
I need to find an excuse to get over there and rave sometime.
Philo. Why do women sex shame other women?
Competition. Jealousy. Girls/ women, seem
To be trained from an early age in the fine art of Bitchery. The psychological skills developed to sharp shoot other females, and under the radar of males. Or maybe some males encourage( unconsciously) females competing?
Hunter. Is that a video game? Sounds very suspect.
Asphyxiation by pussy.
Well, it wasn't like the meth-fueled, omnivorous, fascist fuck-fests of the WWII era, but the East Germans definitely got their egalitarian groove on.
Here I sit, on the verandah, Saturday afternoon, sweat dripping from parts of me.. Not party mood weather, at all.
Yep, that sounds exactly right. No inhibitions, no slut-shaming. Doing what we want because we can. That includes locking on to a flirt who goes to Burning Man â it also includes walking away from him if he doesnât treat us with respect. I think the disappointed men who left werenât used to the latter.
Plus, fuck war.
I'm sure I've shown that I get a kick shaming bigots. Eh can't be nice all the time.
To switch to happier subject, for anyone who would like to fall quickly in love with someone else who is also game:
To fall in love with anyone, do this.
âOne key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.â
I agree. Contemplating an unwanted sex act seems to be a powerful emotional trigger for women, and it seems easy for them to pathologize other women who don't share their tastes, especially those who like it rougher than they do. I've lost count of the number of times a woman has posted "No woman wants to be treated like that!!", only for @EricaP or @nocutename to reply "Well, actually, ...."