Let me tell you, folks—it's not easy being an "influencer." You know... the person who has a contrary opinion about something but is eventually proven to be ABSOLUTELY RIGHT (even though no one will ever publicly admit it)? Sigh. Such is the life of the influencer! Like when I told everyone to stop liking the Beatles because a lot of their music is baloney-filled donkey plop? No one believed me at first... but after years of repetition, everyone now finally agrees that the Beatles are the worst. (Especially John Lennon. Second place: George Harrison. Third worst: Ringo Starr. Last worst: Paul McCartney.)
This brings me to the Super Bowl (NBC, Sun Feb 1, 3:30 pm). How long have I been writing this column? (That's not a rhetorical question... I really don't know!) Answer: A LONG-ASS TIME. And every year, I bellyache about the Super Bowl being a terrible, awful waste of time—even more so than the Beatles. Why? Because football is ridiculously inferior to almost every other sport. The only talents needed to play football are throwing, catching, and taking steroids. It doesn't take any ability to throw and catch a football! It's like six times bigger than a baseball! And as for steroids... well, let's just say there's a reason football isn't allowed in the Olympics!
I know, I know... I'm preaching to the choir, and most of you already know this—but for the rest of you? I will now present ROCK-SOLID PROOF that no one actually cares about Super Bowl football anymore. (Note! If you're a person who can't handle the truth, feel free to run away crying like a titty-suckin' baby.)
When the Super Bowl debuted in 1967, America was psyched because everybody on one side of the country hated everybody on the other side, and they missed the Civil War. At that time, watching two teams of meatheads murder each other was enough. But over time? It wasn't so "enough" anymore.
That's when NFL management devised a distraction from the boredom on the field with skimpily attired cheerleaders. But even that wasn't enough to hold America's attention... which is when they turned to the halftime show, which until the early 1990s was nothing but a bunch of broke-ass college marching bands. In 1991, the Super Bowl halftime show featured New Kids on the Block (SQUEEE!!), which was followed in later years by Gloria Estefan, Michael Jackson, the Blues Brothers, and Janet Jackson's nipple.
HOWEVER! Apparently even superstar nipples weren't enough to keep us interested, which is when the audience began focusing on Super Bowl commercials, and later the competing Puppy Bowl (Animal Planet, 3 pm), and most recently the Kitten Bowl (Hallmark Channel, noon). TRUST ME: Most of America does not even know what football teams are playing. The only reason they're watching the Super Bowl is to get drunk, cram their faces with pizza rolls, laugh at homophobic Snickers commercials, hope someone's nipple pops out, and squeal "Awwwwwww" over wrestling puppies and kittens.
So enjoy this year's Super Bowl, folks! Because in less than a decade, everyone will be saying, "Remember when they used to play football during this show?" SO SAYETH "THE INFLUENCER."
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 28
10:00 FX THE AMERICANS
Season premiere! My favorite sexy Cold War show about suburban Russian spies returns! HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.
10:30 COM BROAD CITY
Abbi gets her wisdom teeth out, and Ilana nurses her back to health… with lots of drugs!
THURSDAY, JANUARY 29
9:00 FOX BACKSTROM
An arsonist is on the loose, and Backstrom will grievously insult anyone in sight to catch him.
10:00 FX ARCHER
Pam takes Archer to her sister’s wedding. (Look out, bridesmaids!)
FRIDAY, JANUARY 30
9:00 SYFY 12 MONKEYS
Cole time travels to 2014 and discovers “this year SUCKS!!”
9:00 NBC GRIMM
Nick and Hank investigate a murder that may have been committed by a… G-G-G-GHOST!
SATURDAY, JANUARY 31
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Host: J.K. Simmons—who played the best J. Jonah Jameson evarrrrr!
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 1
3:30 NBC SUPER BOWL
Featuring steroids, Katy Perry, and homophobic Snickers commercials. OH! And maybe football?
9:00 PBS DOWNTON ABBEY
Lady Edith stars in a sexy Carl’s Jr. commercial, while Thomas wrestles with kittens.
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 2
8:00 FOX GOTHAM
Baby Bruce Wayne gets so frustrated with his parents’ murder investigation, he wets his bat-diapers.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 3
9:00 ABC AGENT CARTER
Peggy is finally given a mission, and she invites the Howling Commandoes along for the ride!
10:00 FX JUSTIFIED
Boyd discovers he’s run afoul of a dangerous new player in town (played by Sam Elliott SQUEEEEEEE!!).
Influential tweets… every day. @WmSteveHumphrey