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I understood asexuality as an orientation. Just as a straight woman is attracted to men or as a bi-man is attracted to men and women, the asexual individual isn't attracted sexually to men or women. If it's an orientation, wouldn't it be from birth? Something essential to one's nature and not something that happens in one's 40s?
Whatever LW2's BF is, what LW2 isn't is a Ally.
I absolutely agree sharing fantasies is important, although for me, if near the end I'm cranking up a fantasy thought that is a little more extreme than how the scenario started out, I'm much more likely to be alone when that happens, rather than with a man.
I don't see how that's any different than most persons who masturbate.
“...and possibly fueled by alcohol or other substances that loosen inhibitions”
Some like to experiment in their younger days simply because they can. They’re horny, curious, capable, and may not have to worry about relationships or kids.
I assume the fuel comment is covering the entire youngsters population.
All were very conclusive that the vast majority of them identified as straight, or attracted to women sexually.
I’m not familiar with any current researches, simply stopped following, and assume that new identities like bigender or gender fluid may further blur the traditional dress code.
But Dan is an absolute genius compared to WHAT.
Was your boyfriend straight? Yes.
Did your boyfriend like wearing thongs? Yes.
Did your boyfriend like ass play? Yes.
Therefore, at least one straight guy -- and probably more, given how relatively vanilla sexy underwear and anal play are -- really enjoys thongs and having his ass played with. Really.
Glad to see NNFS's letter and Dan's response, though, as "do asexuals masturbate?" is something I was wondering about. And I couldn't agree more with David's comment "Masturbation and partnered sex are very different things, and desiring one doesn't mean that we automatically desire the other." For me, masturbation is scratching an itch, not something that's enjoyable in itself. In other words, I agree with @6.
That said, if an asexual person is troubled by their lack of desire, there's no reason not to go get checked out, physiologically and psychologically, preferably by a doctor well versed in asexuality. If there's something to be addressed there, fine. If not, some therapy can help a person address their feelings about it and come to self-acceptance.
Bottom line: don't stress if your wife closes her eyes during sex. In fact, be happy that she is one of the women who can orgasm purely from your dick in her vagina.
What's the difference between identifying as asexual and giving up on self-improvement and exploration? The only difference I see is the use of sexual identity language to solicit approval and political cover. It's like someone taking two guitar lessons and then saying, "I tried it. I suck. I must not be musically talented." and then never making an effort again.
Isn't it something of a clue that the only thing she says about her sexual history is, "I had many sex partners for many years." Nothing about enjoying sex? Let's not let the asexual label become an excuse for repressed people to avoid having to admit to themselves that they have a problem.
I feel your pain and frustration. Only way to change public opinion is by spreading the word and the lingerie gospel, and also be ambassadors ourselves.
Thanks for bringing up the issue.
I had my heart broken by those type of bitches when I was a teen. I was foreplay, a sex toy, a flirt prop, a makeout proxy. I was certainly not human.
Is that superior in some way?
LW1: I'm not sure what you are asking for.. If you're happy saying goodbye to your sexual life, then say goodbye to it. And whatever label you attach to it, the outcome is the same.
Seems pretty young to end it in your 40s , to me. And you ended it when your partnership ended, you imply.
As a woman in her early sixties, I find my sexual energy
Generates a lot of heat in my body. Hence, I tend to it.
Menopause/ The Change, just the time when a woman is finally free of reproductive concerns- the cultural wisdom is that she closes up shop, locks the door and throws away the key.
I'm reading a confused situation in your letter. Maybe that's a misread. And obviously many people live their lives with no desire for sexual relations.
Check yourself a little deeper, is my advice.
The gay rights movement hasn't.
"I'll only throw in my observation that ratios of transpeople (and attitudes to them) vary strongly by community."
I'll throw in my very own biased version: Trans, gay, lesbians, asexuals, bigenders, and so on are probably at the same ratio in every community. The difference is how freely they can be who they truly are and be accepted as such.
Hope the operation went well.
Thanks but my goal isn't so much a movement as a lack of a movement. It should just be no big deal. I keep seeing articles and questions from women saying the man in their life surprised them by "coming out" about their desire to wear something different late in their otherwise perfect relationship... Are they gay? Do they want to be a woman? What about the children? Should I leave him?.... Oh, and why did he not tell me sooner so I can question and challenge his whole being/sexuality/gender/relationship?
God. If I don't correct myself, I know Venn will just worry the whole thread.
@15: Agree with @16. Who said asexuals were unhappy because they don’t want sex? Personally, if I could get rid of my libido, life would be so much simpler.
@20: The bit I was most opposed to was the suggestion of “bringing their partner in [to the] specific and sometimes wild/unrealizable/disturbing fantasies that they have to concentrate on in order to climax … through dirty talk.” Implying that the talking should be taking place while the fantasising and concentrating is happening. Which, again, would distract from and thereby prevent the achievement of the orgasm.
@27: So what’s your solution? Try to force people who believe they are asexual to have more sex until they enjoy it? Why not just let them be, and let themselves take themselves out of the dating-sexual-people pool so that the sexual people can date other people who are enthusiastic about sex? If someone is “repressed”, how is that your problem? If they feel less judged by adopting the asexual label than by having people like you saying there's something wrong with them, more power to them.
@43: ”Trans, gay, lesbians, asexuals, bigenders, and so on are probably at the same ratio in every community. The difference is how freely they can be who they truly are and be accepted as such.” Yes and no – if LGBTQ+ people do not feel at home, some of them move to a larger/more liberal city where they will be more accepted, thus skewing the populations.
And how can you think that avoiding being judged should take priority over having a good life? Me: "Gee, David, maybe being so afraid of going outside that you never leave your house is a problem that you should work on." David: "Stop judging me!"
I was referring to the ratio of the potentially gay and trans people born around the world.
Where they may settle as adults in order to live their lives is a different issue.
I also think cross dressing and gender bending is a nice, clean family fun, but unfortunately we are in the minority.
Much of the stigma comes from the media, freakish clowns or even serial killers, and it may be all that some people get about the subject.
Talk about it, be out there, and show your partner what a wonderful boner you get once you have that thong on.
"Honey, what are you thinking about when you close your eyes right before you come?"
"Well, dear, I'm imagining that I'm being torn apart by giant chickens."
"Would you like it if I made clucking sounds and pulled on your arms and legs?"
"Ooh, that would be hot."
Then they would try it out the next time they had sex.
1.) Those who know about crossdressing from their church and think it's right up there with gay buttsex on the list of top ten sins.
2.) The majority--those who know about crossdressing from watching Drag Race. Of course those women think that crossdressers are gay and might want to transition.
3.) Those women who know a little more about crossdressers than thinking they are drag queens (or wannabe drag queens)
4.) Those women who have lots of direct experience with crossdressers.
So don't blame women for not knowing anything about crossdressers. If some non-drag dressers were willing to be more publicly visible, women might have a more nuanced view.
But being a member of Group #4, I have to say that even though most CD's are mostly hetero, there are very few indeed who don't at least fall into the heteroflexible camp, and I would say most are bisexual if they are being entirely honest with themselves. And most at least have sexual fantasies of transition.
I wear the stretchy ones which allow plenty of room for growth and also give some support. It accentuates the penis in a black lace, pink silk, or whatever else that may tickle my fancy.
Reviews have been mostly positive so far.
"If some non-drag dressers were willing to be more publicly visible, women might have a more nuanced view."
Yes, you're right. The entire population needs more education and the best way to achieve it is by proving that a born-male appearing as a woman is still a law-abiding, decent person.
Another category that didn't appear in your post is that of our portrayal as a stripper/prostitute one.
I'm glad Dan kinda touched on the point that a man with a long history of sleeping with women is most likely bi or trans if he's queer. Not gay.
But I'm not sure WHAT was even talking about cross dressing. Speedos with the ass cut out, or a male thong, is what I thought she was talking about. And Dan is wrong. Assless chaps and zippered thongs and tight boy butt are fucking hot. On straight guys too. Maybe something is wrong with Terry's butt if he doesn't like to see it showcased.
Could you be anymore condescending? You're now comparing a middle aged, experienced woman to an abused child?!
She's had sex, she's had relationships, she's not a moron. Why are you so sure that people who don't have sexual desire are damaged? This is in the same neighborhood as people who think gay can be prayed away.
Come on now!
I think you're right. But I don't like to see Dan sex shaming thong wearers. Or bi guys in general. Sure, this guy could be gay, but watching straight porn while getting blown by a guy you sought out on Craigslist is totally straight. He's awful to bi guys.
I'm not sure whether Mr Gilliam is disputing the concept of an honourable retirement as part of his line; I'd better say nothing.
Ms Phile - Would you be so kind as to throw in an acknowledgement of your lack of standing? I've no quarrel with your having or expressing an opinion, but its being framed as if the opinion of OS women about what is/isn't a hot look for gay men or what we do/don't or should/shouldn't find hot carries or should carry equal weight to our own opinions feels a bit heavy-handed. (I would say the same to one or two of Mr Savage's comments about women, though the dynamics differ slightly.)
The thong thing- I also wouldn't wear mine for the entire day, just an hour or two here and there.
They can be much more comfortable when layered on top of regular cut underwear. For those of us born with male genitalia it also means extra support if needed.
Fine. Share all the fantasies. Long as he doesn't start asking during those focused moments,
" which one you on honey?"
From what I've seen, the behavior also often expands after the crossdresser acknowledges it to his partner. If he used to dress once a month in secret, now he might want to dress several evenings a week, and possibly go out in public dressed. And it changes their sex life too, if he wants to have sex as a woman with his straight wife. It's not unreasonable for wives to see a husband's crossdressing revelation as a big deal.
I also, sense a psychological block. Why write to Dan about what title to give herself?
She hasn't wanted sex since she broke up with her partner. All these men are coming on to her. They picking up something or she just a hot woman in her 40s, they can't leave alone.
My take- and it comes from my experience, so could be pure projection- is she hasn't got rid of that partner out of her body.
Of course, her choice
to fuck or not to fuck.
I'm just getting some message thru her words- not reading between the lines- her word choices- that she's confused about it all herself.
A thought I had- just so she can be darn sure. Cause, really, giving up on desire in ones 40s, I find a bit sad.
Is go find the hottest sex worker she can find, and see.
I simply wish my penis could give my girlfriend orgasms the same way her vagina gives them to me. But since most women cannot orgasm from penis in vagina alone, it feels like penetrative sex is always a little unbalanced in men's favor, that we take more pleasure than we can give.
" Breakfast With Lucien", by Geordie Greig.
I devour all and everything about this man, cause he was so wild and bad, yet he was dearly loved.
This guy could pull women , young women, into his late 70s early 80s..
Now how is that? A woman starts to dry up, a man, under certain conditions- still maintains his sexual life- draws on that energy- into his 70s-80s..
I mostly wanted to observe that male thongs exist and don't make a guy queer when worn! Pink or pale fabric... that feels a little cross dressy to me, even with men's underwear. I acknowledge the cross dressing line is not just wearing clothes marketed to a different gender. It's the feeling of liking to dress as the other gender. But thongs were worn by men long before jock straps were invented, I don't think of them as women's wear, especially if they have a zipper or metal. Lacy or pink thongs, or those marketed toward women, would be a different story, I'd expect a cross dressing thrill to be a part of that choice of undies.
CMD - Love your input, even if I don't think it sounds like a woman's thong was used in the letter. I love to see people out and proud about what they like in bed, the more deviant (from "normal") the better. Just so long as a partner's feelings are being respected- I don't like to see people taking pride in being sexually pushy etc.
And it's terribly judgmental, not to mention wrong, to assume that for everyone, a life without sex can't possibly be a good life. We are all different. Some people aren't into sports. Some people aren't into gourmet food. Some people aren't into drugs. Some people aren't into sex with other people. I hate sports and I would hate to spend my life having others say there's something wrong with me and forcing me to watch sports until I "get it." I have friends who are asexual and are perfectly happy in their platonic relationships. And friends who are sexual and are in abusive relationships. Who is happier?
@72: The simple solution to which is always to get your lady off with your fingers/tongue/vibrator, at least once, before you start to fuck her. Then everyone's a winner! (And even more so if she does come from PIV, which I find is much more likely -- and far more intense -- if I've had a couple of orgasms first.)
That was about one guy getting pissed that his wife was closing her eyes, when she was heading to orgasm, during sex.
Didn't realize we had trick parts to
Navigate. Still. Point taken.
Sexual energy is a vital life force. Playing sports isn't.
That people can sublimate that force into other activities and bypass acting it out straight: of course, fine.
My Buddhist Teachers are celibate men. They have used their spiritual practice, to sublimate their sexual impulse.
If you really want this, I suggest going slow and paying very close attention to her tightness. Tightness near the outside can be a sign of discomfort (really it's a byproduct of a tightening anal sphincter). Tightness anywhere deeper inside can be the swelling of arousal or the beginnings of muscular contractions of orgasm. If you can tune your dick to go for those sensations over frictiony rubbing, you can use Coital Alignment Technique (CAT position) to maximize chances that the movement will feel great for her too. Or someone/both can use their hands...
And now I'm single and the freedom from intimacy is profoundly liberating. I have more energy for creative work than ever before, and being alone in my body seems to let my thoughts run deeper and farther. I have friends and community engagements, so I'm not a hermit. But I just want to respond to the "Oh, you must need help" crowd and say -- No. Being free of sexuality can actually feel like a blessing. Also, it never occurs to me to masturbate. I will say that even if I were feeling lonely, though, I would not place or answer personal ads or go out on dates. It just doesn't seem fair to men to arrange such personal meetings if one isn't willing to offer intimacy.
Love my freedom.
And my art work is just getting stronger and stronger. Can wake at 4am, and do some work. Or just read.
Yet I couldn't go without my sexual energy bubbling along. It fuels my work. My mind. My imagination.
So. We all different.
It's tricky reaching orgasm during sex. It can be done, though. Good position is if she on top.
Rest assured, everything is agreed in advance.
“If he used to dress once a month in secret, now he might want to dress several evenings a week, and possibly go out in public dressed. And it changes their sex life too, if he wants to have sex as a woman with his straight wife. It's not unreasonable for wives to see a husband's crossdressing revelation as a big deal.”
Though “coming out” may have different shades you certainly have a point. I hope that the more we bring issues up they will cede to be shameful secrets, and people will be comfortable to tell their future spouses all their intimate secrets. Hopefully those on the receiving end will be educated enough about the issue not to freak out right after and willing to look further into it.
For instance, I don't care for beer. I've tried sips of many beers, at the insistence of friends who promised I would like THIS beer. Never encountered one I liked. What would your advice to me be? Don't give up the quest to find that beer I might like? Explore what beer-related traumas I might have in my past?
I'm often told I need to work on acquiring a taste for beer. I can't help but think, "Why? What's the point? Why is it so hard for some people to accept that I just don't like beer?"
Really, what does it matter. If people just relax a bit as CMD says, then desire and its manifestations can be allowed and heavens above; enjoyed.
I hope people will feel comfortable living the way they want, so there won't be so many intimate secrets.
I agree that the women who just broke up with her boyfriend should take the "straight sex she's having with her thong-wearing, ass-play-digging boyfriend for an answer." My person of 5 years (he's straight cis make, I'm bi cis female) is quite adorable in his women's panties. It's just sexy!! He also enjoys anal play and I have no issue complying. Prostate anyone? If I like it, why wouldn't he? I never thought he was gay, and have proposed moresomes with us; he isn't interested in adding a male or female. I've also had very attractive gentlemen approach him with my approval; no interest. *shrug* man, have a blast with a guy who is open and cool enough to be into playing, especially in ways that might seem odd but proven to be incredibly pleasurable (they are a keeper if they are ok board; so are you). Oh and I recommend a lot of silliness and play and fun and joking as you get into this. But maybe that's just us? Yep I make him wiggle his sexy booty for me any time he wears his girl panties. I generally make him change if we're starting to get frisky. It's sexy, playful, and makes us both collapse into passionate giggles. Or he may just have an amazingly sexy booty.
CMD - Oh no you seem like an angel. That's just the exception to my rule "whatever works" or "if it ain't broke don't fix it" and love of seeing people making odd needs work for them. Triumph in dire circumstances and all that. "Your right to swing your fist (or dick or panties or what have you) ends where my nose begins" is my only exception. I didn't think that you in particular would punch anyone!
Telling someone how you get off best is a mixed bag. It means that they can get you off great. And it means they can actively refuse to participate. Or even use it as a weapon and tell you that you're damaged and need to learn to get off a different way. And I don't believe that it's possible to find one person or combo who can accommodate our every sexual desire, we just try to find the best match(es) in the shortest time.
Hun - Cryptic. I like it.
Nope. I cannot orgasm with a dick in me. Doesn't work. I'm OK with this.
I also find this “girls making out while drunk in order to get the guys’ attention” to be filthy disgusting. And I blame the hetero-male-porno-culture for creating this monster (aka “the patriarchy,” as our friend Lava would have rightfully defined it.) And all this pile of garbage is happily consumed by guys who will snub their lesbian co-workers in real life, yet masturbate to two women jumping around while moan way too loud for no apparent reason as their implants are threatening to throw them out of bed…
As for… “So I question whether orientation is established at birth and remains static one's entire life, and if not, then how is moving from heterosexual to asexual different from shifting ones position on the Kinsey scale?”
I can’t answer this question as an asexual. My experience is that of a born male, secret “crossdresser” yet attracted to women only, is that things somewhat shifted later on when I discovered the bigender/gender fluid definitions. Not as dramatic as some would think, yet they did. Not sure if you’re interested in all this, I also touched about it in some of my previous posts few weeks ago. Let me know if you have any questions.
One thing I failed to mention is the huge potential leverage that a woman whose husband had just come out as a crossdresser of any shade and/or stage may have.
But maybe I should have said this first: ANY MAN WHO IS ACCEPTED AS A CROSSDRESSER/BIGENDER/ALLTHATJAZZ/WHATEVER BY THE WOMAN HE’S DATING/MARRIED TO SHOULD BE EXTREMELY GRATEFUL AN BE A TRUE GGG(X2.)
I suspect many will gladly and obediently oblige. And if they don’t go at least half way then… well, you all know… DTMFA
Hope I’m wrong, really. You seem to be suspiciously detail-oriented and overly descriptive. Sounds like masturbation. Eyes closed. or not.
Please prove me wrong so that both of us can “collapse into passionate giggles.”
I still think she's not being fully honest with her self.
Re orgasm during sex.. I've only ever been able to get there, if I'm on top. No other position.
Have never worn one, cause I don't want a bit of material up my arse crack. I can't even wear knickers that have a seam up the back.
Your idea CMD. Hope the under briefs are attractively cut, or that could be one weird look.
I'm confused re cross dressing. Are people suggesting, that for some men who fully crossdress, the female identity starts to take over?
And over time a percentage will seek to transition.
For a straight woman spouse, that could be a hard path to follow.
You stopped having sex at 42.... you are still married.... after 9 years apart...and that connection is still valid enough to you to mention it to Dan...(even though technically....it adds nothing to the discussion). It leads me to wonder about your ability to BE intimate right now. Yet you are trolling the platonic friends section of craigslist....
For me...the notion of suddenly being without sexual desire fills me with sadness. That is just me. I get that. And perhaps when i am 65 or 80.... i truly won't care... but YOU... buried your libido at 42 after supposedly having an adventurous sex life... so what changed at that age? (or time) Did he cheat on you? If your letter said you had never been horny...i wouldnt even ask any of this...
@88: "I thought that was something straight girls did with each other by mutual agreement" No. I've never had a girl ask if I was straight before making out with me (then decline after learning I was bi). Straight girls may fall into the trap of assuming another girl is straight and that the flirting and snogging is "innocent fun", designed to turn their boyfriends on, when in reality it's teasing and winding up someone who thought they'd got lucky. Joke's on us queer girls. :(
@95: I didn't read NNFS's letter as the men suddenly expressing desire when told she was asexual, as though they viewed it as a challenge, but rather that they were secretly seeking sex buddies under the guise of "platonic friends." They'd have hit up any woman who answered for sex.
@101: It's a tricky thing because many trans women start out by wearing women's clothing. All cross-dressers start out by wearing women's clothing. So how do you know which is which? Have to give it time and leave it to them. Either way, objecting to the clothes is not going to stop a trans woman from eventually coming out as trans.
I have never been able to have a clitoral orgasm from penetration alone. That takes fingers/tongue/vibrator and concentration. But vaginal orgasms? I have them much easier than men have their orgasms.