Here's a public-service reminder that your name shouldn't rhyme with what you do for a living. For example: the titular character in NBC's Hannibal... who's a cannibal! Now, this is an entirely awesome show, and I'll tell you much more about it in a minute—but this "rhyming" thing has got to be addressed! It's never a good idea to rhyme your name with who you are—for the same reason you don't pair floral shirts and pants, dye your head and pubic hair the same color, or elect presidents who are related to former presidents. IT'S UNSEEMLY. And worse? It's "matchy-matchy"!
For example, no one respects a piranha named Donna, a mare named Claire, or a layman named Damon. Similarly distrustful is a picnic ham named Sam, a tsunami named Tommy, or a Virgin Mary named Sherry. Or a meter reader named Peter, or a Kevin Spacey named Lacey, or... okay GODDAMNIT, YOU GET THE POINT.
That being said, naming a cannibal "Hannibal" is an especially terrible idea. And just so we're all on the same page, I am TOTALLY AGAINST CANNIBALISM. (Feel free to congratulate me on my brave stance.) However, if you're going to be a cannibal, there are certain expectations involved: eating human flesh is one. Being Rick Santorum is possibly another. But most important of all is being TERRIFYING. Let's imagine a cannibal has kidnapped me, surgically removed my liver, and is sautéing it in a pan along with some fava beans. "Oh, you're a terrifying person," I scream in agony. "Before I die, the least you can do is tell me your name!" "My name is... Hannibal." "Wait... what? Your name is Hannibal... the cannibal? (Pause) HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAA!"
As you can see, it kind of ruins the mood.
Other than that, Hannibal (the show) is really good and you should totally watch it when it returns for its third grotesquely beautiful season (NBC, Thurs June 4, 10 pm). For those just joining us, Hannibal is based on Thomas Harris's book Red Dragon, which documents the friendship between FBI profiler Will Graham (Hugh Dancy) and forensic psychiatrist Hannibal Lecter (Mads Mikkelsen)—that is until Will figures out Hannibal kills and eats people... thereby putting a damper on their bowling nights.
At the end of season two, Will and his team have figured out (in a particularly painful way) that Hannibal is the killer they've been searching for, but it's too late! Hannibal has escaped to Paris with personal psychotherapist Dr. Bedelia Du Maurier (Gillian Anderson)—who does, and at the same time doesn't, participate in Lecter's evil schemes.
And in season three, we can expect to see Hannibal and Bedelia in Paris, masquerading as a normal married couple (HA!), as Will and his team recover from last season's shocking ending and get ready to stop Hannibal the cannibal from eating his way through Europe.
Trust me when I say that Hannibal is one of the most sickeningly gorgeous, stylish shows on television—and it's amazing this graphic horror show is on NBC rather than HBO or Netflix. So watch it! You'll love it or my name isn't Wm.™ Steven... the heathen Elizabethan Polynesian.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 3
9:00 TLC GRANDMOTHER LOVERS
Let me guess: This show is about Josh Duggar’s next romantic conquest?
9:00 FOX BULLSEYE
A person is dropped from a helicopter on top of a speeding train. (That might leave a mark!)
THURSDAY, JUNE 4
10:00 NBC HANNIBAL
Season premiere! Hannibal assumes a new identity and swears off eating people. Good luck with that!
10:00 FX THE COMEDIANS
A humiliating video of Josh and Billy is leaked on the internet. Cue ineffectual spin control!
FRIDAY, JUNE 5
3:00 am NETFLIX SENSE8
Debut! Eight random folks are interconnected and share each other’s superpowers! (Like Transformers—but with people.)
9:00 SHO ONE DIRECTION: WHERE WE ARE
A concert featuring the dreamy boy band. Yes. YES. YESSSSSSSSSS.
SATURDAY, JUNE 6
9:00 STARZ POWER
Season premiere! Ghost is very glad not to be one after last season’s attempt on his life.
SUNDAY, JUNE 7
9:30 FOX GOLAN THE INSATIABLE
Golan will do anything to stop spring from coming… including using the “power of dance.”
10:30 HBO VEEP
Sensitive data is released to the world, and all fingers point to Selina as the culprit.
MONDAY, JUNE 8
10:00 ABC THE WHISPERS
Children are being told to do evil things by whispering aliens… who need to speak up already!
TUESDAY, JUNE 9
9:00 CW IZOMBIE
Season finale! Blaine makes Liv an offer she can’t refuse: a brain stroganoff casserole!
9:00 FOX HELL’S KITCHEN
Season finale! Chef Ramsay awards the winner his most valued prize—the Stupid Fucking Donkey Award.
Twitter the glitter transmitter: @WmSteveHumphrey