"Does a person who acts loving only when high on weed really love you?

No.

"I guess I'm hoping she will give if she gets. Am I an idiot?"

Yes.

"Whenever I bring it up, she breaks down, saying she's not enough for me. My need for sex is killing me."

She's correct. Divorce so you can each find people you actually like.

I'm confused by UGH's comment that "Currently, she can last having sex for nearly half an hour before feeling exhausted and stopping, regardless of me reaching orgasm or not."

She's nice to him ("we enjoy each other's company and we've got each other's backs"). But she "breaks down" when he complains about their sex life. He says "I can't remember the last time I had fulfilling sex" rather than "we don't have sex often enough."

I wonder if the problem is that they're doing the wrong thing in bed. Something that is no fun for her, and then it's not fulfilling for him either because his nice wife is clearly not enjoying herself. Maybe he's just pumping away for thirty minutes?

Maybe they should explore how to help her get more pleasure from sex? Maybe a vibrator would help? Maybe some steamy romance novels? Is there anything that gets her feeling a little more sexy? I get the feeling they might be able to make things work if they can kindle any interest in sex on her part. It sounds like they haven't tried much, and mostly "natural remedies for low libido" rather than erotica, porn, vibrators, and/or oral sex on her. Maybe he just left that out of the letter, but I'm just flummoxed by his statement that she lasts for almost half an hour of sex and then stops, exhausted. Would love any insights...

Also just a note that the other woman in last week's "Gone Camping" thread wrote in, in case anyone is curious: http://www.thestranger.com/blogs/slog/20…

Studies show that, on average, sex takes 7.3 minutes. Maybe if he could come in less than ten minutes, they would both feel a lot better about their sex life.
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/natio…

"Does a person who acts loving only when high on weed really love you?"

DTMFA. No need to read the rest of the letter.

"Currently, she can last having sex for nearly half an hour before feeling exhausted and stopping, regardless of me reaching orgasm or not."

Agree with @3. Thirty minutes is a long time to have one of your holes pounded. (Don't believe me? Let her peg you for a half hour and see how you feel.) If you can't finish within that time, the gentlemanly thing to do is to rev yourself up before the fucking begins.

holy crap, half an hour he's pumping away? I'd lose complete interest too. I think they need to reset what they think "sex" is -- both of them. And it shouldn't involve PIV for two or three months.

Oral. Hand jobs. Vibrators or other toys. Mutual masturbation. Porn. Erotica. They can and both should orgasm, but only in ways which don't involve PIV. Maybe that will reboot her libido, once it becomes "fun" again and not "jackhammer covered in sandpaper."

THCTRAP: You say you can't leave him "for financial reasons," but you're going to be miserable as long as you're with him. Consider whatever financial hit you may have to take as an investment in your future. If your money situation is as dire as you say, avail yourself of the free services of Legal Aid. I'm sure other commenters know more than I do about what other social service providers might be able to do for you.

Only you know whether you can lean on your friends for support after "burning bridges" by defending him. It may be that they never really bought that defense, and they've been hoping all along that you'll end it.

And I can't believe I'm saying this, but you know something about him that, if his employer knew about it, could be a big problem for him. You're not without leverage, should you need it. Your attorney can tell you how you might use that to your advantage without crossing the blackmail line.

@3 EricaP; The average lay takes 7.3 minutes? Thanks, Erica--that's good to know.
@4 I Hate Screen Names: My feelings exactly on THCTRAP's letter, and that's about where I stopped reading, too, and forwarded to Dan's spot on response. Agreed with you and Dan: DTMFA.

Okay, after reading UGH's letter, I hope I don't get severely trolled for asking this (quit eye-rolling, Hunter!), but is there future sexual hope for me if I'm really asexual-but-just-not-actively-seeking? Or is mine more of a "grass-is-always-greener" scenario? I'm contentedly single otherwise.

LW1, no, of course he doesn't love you. If the only time he's nice to you is when he's high, that's a problem. DTMFA.

LW2, are you nuts? She's using you. She doesn't care about you. Treat yourself and someone who's always been nice to you or go alone.

LW3, I hope that half-hour includes foreplay. Good gravy, dude, even highly sexed women would rather not have someone pounding away for 30 minutes. It sounds as if both of you are repressed and think that P-I-V is the end all and be all. Try another therapist who can work with your mismatched libidos.

Jesus. I really hope all of these are fake.
On the off chance that #3 isn't, I agree that half an hour is on the long side for your standard weeknight booty session. But if the guy is not super turned on by his wife's dead fish demeanor, maybe not surprising.
In any case anything that is killing you inside by (I'm guessing) your 30s or early 40s is something you just need to bite the bullet and end.

LW#1 - why do you say you've burned your bridges by defending your exceedingly dumpable boyfriend to your friends? Did they just get weary of hearing your excuses, and say "get back in touch when you're done with him?" Or did he set things up so you felt you had to be really awful to them? Or were your friends just not that committed to your friendships in the first place? I'm confused. Do you have family you can rely on? Personally, I'd rather go to the women's shelter than keep living with someone who behaves like your description of your boyfriend.

LW#2 - ummm, it's sad, perhaps, but you and this girl are not meant for each other.

@Erica P. #3 - you've got to be kidding me! By "sex," do you mean PIV intercourse? Or the whole production? Please tell me it's PIV. Or PIA (same sex or opposite sex). If sex only lasted an average of 7.3 minutes for me - whether with a man or a woman - regardless of what we were doing, I would be seriously disappointed.

@ LW#3 - ditto the other women who tell you that 30 minutes of PIV would not be the most comfortable experience. It may vary a bit depending on: time of the month, how turned on the woman is, how well lubricated she is, position & angle, etc. But also ditto the people telling you that more activity needs to happen, for both of you, before intercourse.

Um... Is it just me, or did anyone else have a hard time finding the "Comments" link?
On my screen it was kinda imbedded in the "Share on Twitter" link.

Seriously, it took me a couple of minutes to figure it out. (Must be the dementia finally setting in...)

@12 the comments don't exist when I use Firefox, and their embedded when I use IE.

LW 3 I have to agree with E. There's a fourth option, aim for an amicable divorce and you can both try to find partners you're better suited for. Whether that's a happy sexless marriage for your wife, or a sexful relationship with other people that she didn't realize she wanted.

@2 et al: I seized on the "Currently, she can last having sex for nearly half an hour before feeling exhausted and stopping, regardless of me reaching orgasm or not." sentence as well. And also wondered what he meant by "having sex." Yes, if you mean "there is no foreplay, and I bang her pussy for half an hour, at which point she has to stop," then DUH. SHE'S SORE. And no wonder she dreads it. There are a lot of other things that qualify as "sex." Maybe if you gave her some oral or fingering before inserting your penis, she'd be more likely to return the favour if the PIV portion of the festivities went on so long as to make her sore. If you're not having "fulfilling sex," I guarantee she's not either. Make it a goal to get her off at least twice before you stick it in, and I'll bet you anything she'll enjoy sex more, she'll want sex more, you'll get sex more, and everyone will be a winner.

Now, if this strategy doesn't work because she is too self-conscious to let you please her orally or manually, you have a bigger problem. To the sex therapist, stat.

Dan, thanks for smacking down the misogynist who believes he is a "good guy." These kinds of guys make me want to vomit. He's not an idiot, he's an asshole. Thank you for your efforts to save a "pretty girl" from an attempted rape by a guy who thought he was owed something.

And @3: EricaP, please do clarify that by "sex" you mean "that portion of OS sex where the guy's penis is inside the vagina." Please, for the sake of good sex everywhere!

@12

Um... Is it just me, or did anyone else have a hard time finding the "Comments" link?

I couldn't find it either. Lately I just type "/comments" after the article URL in my browser's address bar to get to the comments.

Wow Dan hasn't been so wrong in a column for a long time.

LW1 - If a person is a miserable asshole only in specific circumstances, the problem is the circumstances, not the person. Whether it be TV time, online gaming, slot machines, or heroin, someone who can't be happy without their creature comfort or drug, who appears miserable and nasty without it, is an addict. The problem is that your boyfriend is addicted to weed, and only you know if you can be happy with that or not.

LW2 - Ok Dan's advice wasn't bad here. Don't give expecting to get, especially with sex. Give because it makes you happy or don't give at all. (excludes trade agreements)

LW3 - This was the worst. So a good faith attempt to turn your partner on is now buying libido enhancers and asking them to counseling? The non-divorce options are cheat now, cheat later, or open up the relationship on the husband's side? Er, what happened to learning to turn each other on? And why wouldn't he propose a relationship open on both sides, so she can try out how other guys fit and move, and maybe learn what she likes in bed that way? And why exactly should cheating (and possibly being caught and showing his kids to disrespect their partner, likely divorcing anyway) be an option here instead of an honest divorce?

ps. When people insist that certain creature comforts cannot be problems (porn and pot), I simply assume they already have an out of control problem with these specific creature comforts.

Help me figure out letter #2. I spent a minute on "turned me into the pretty girl's fat little friend" and couldn't picture it. Some of the things that went through my mind were:

I was thin, but she encouraged me to gain weight.
I was fat and had no friends, and she was the only one in highschool who would speak to me.
We had a sexual relationship, and she broke it off to pursue someone more appealing.
I even thought perhaps it was a woman writing, but the "Guy" in "Good Guy Problems" negated that.

I'm not being purposely dense here. I don't get it. Dan's answer makes sense if he's answering the "in the hopes things go to the next level" part, but that seems to be ignoring a big part of the context. Is the rewrite of this letter:

I like this woman. She initiated our friendship originally, then moved away. Now that she's back in town, she's reinstated our friendship. I like her in a romantic/sexual way and don't know how to communicate that to her. How does a nice guy get out of the friend zone? It's especially tough because my image of myself is not that of the chisel cut leading man.

Answer: Take a risk. It is true that once you declare yourself romantically and sexually interested there is a significant chance that you'll lose her as a friend, but I suggest going for it. Just don't be creepy about it. Don't do it when she's away from her home turf. That's cornering her. But you can ask her out on a date that's unambiguously a date. Perhaps a nice dinner or something else that you think she would be interested in and fun. If it doesn't work out-- and most first dates don't-- you'll still have a good enough time and some experience in dating.

It's a good thing this is Homocentric August, or I'd have to punt on L1, as I cannot speak to addiction at all. As it is, I can speculate to LW1 that his [for Ms Lava and other new people since last year, any August letter that does not pointedly confess - term deliberate - to being OS is automatically presumed to be SS, and I deliberately attempt to be as creatively homosupremacist as possible] BF had to get high right up until about the end of June (or perhaps earlier depending on location) to cope with the terrible indignity of being unable to marry. Since the end of June and The Great Decision, BF has had to get high to cope with the terrible pressure of being expected to marry and parent.

Hoping Seandr shows back up, nice to have him online again.
Agree with Dan and pretty much everyone re #1, DTMFA. He might well be an addict, a natural-born jerk, a former Soviet mole who never got the wake-up code phrase with a box full of nitro in the basement...whatever, he’s not your problem to solve, you didn’t cause this, and you most likely can’t fix it. Whatever your finances, I bet you can lay the facts out truthfully to your friends and get a lot of helping hands. Expect to hear a lot of ‘...you know, I never did like that guy, glad you dumped him.”
#2 made me fucking cringe. My man, if you’re reading this, take my words to heart, and then stop reading, as (if I’m a judge of SL commenters) my words will be like a Swedish Massage compared to what’s cueing up for you after me...
- Stop thinking like a paunchy Russian oligarch out to get some ass on a seaside holiday - “I give vooman pretty trinkets, vooman give to me the boom-boom.” Sex workers, officially employed as such or not, will go along with this, as Dan says, and they’ll be out the door like a shot when the money’s up. And they’ll still fuck the pool boy for free.
- She didn’t make you into anything, she interviewed you for that role, and you accepted. We’ve all acted like idiots for people we were hot for, I’m certainly no exception, but now’s the time to stop digging and take a left.
Re-invention wise, I still remember meeting a guy from high school, who was an utter smirking Stiffler-like toolbag there, a couple years later waiting tables in a restaurant where I bartended. I mentioned some reluctance to have anything to do with him, and a co-worker said, “Yeah, I thought the same thing, he just says that he’s a very different person now and he hopes nobody will see him as that person now.” Don’t remember the exact words, but that was ’88, obviously made an impression. And he had indeed changed, so in about one shift I didn’t think of him as That Guy anymore. Leave your previous self that sucked up to this girl in the past, where he belongs.
- I’m”a guess, on account of your phrasing ‘fat little friend’ and ‘pretty girl,’ that she does not share your body type, and you find her type of body attractive? And maybe this has happened before? Take that money you were going to blow on her, either get a gym membership or an Olympic bar and (to start) about 50 lbs of plates, start exercising and clean up your diet. You didn’t include your age, but physical re-invention is easier the younger you are, and vice versa.

#18, Phllo, I think that’s a bit harsh on #3. He didn’t include all steps taken, but presumably he didn’t go straight to the supplements and therapy, they came after some attempt at ‘Um, honey, what’s wrong?” A woman who cites a conservative upbringing as to her low libido...I can’t see her responding positively to “Dear, would you consider fucking my friend Charlie, maybe that’ll help you figure out what you like in the sack?”
It seems that the bulk of fixing the no-sex problem is falling on the husband. Having a partner say “I don’t know what I want, but I do know I don’t want that, is a frustrating thing to work with.
As usual with SL, we’re all reading between the lines, and more info would be helpful. Overt and covert cheating were listed as alternatives to divorce, presumably if this is one of the oft-cited cases where, for financial or other reasons, divorce would be a bigger problem than it solves.

@18: "If a person is a miserable asshole only in specific circumstances, the problem is the circumstances, not the person."

Agreed. I think the flipside, though, is that if a person is a miserable asshole except in certain circumstances, it's the opposite problem. That's my read on the first letter--there are drugs that can mitigate the dude's problem, but the problem is the dude.

Ms Crinoline and Ms Fan - I am much in agreement with you both about L2, especially with Ms Crinoline about the signature, which quite ruined the letter for me. It would be stretching a point too far for me to try to argue that LW2 is one of those feminists who have used the appellation "dude" as gender-neutral (which I used to see fairly regularly in certain circles but haven't recently; it's possible it was a trick of one or two particular writers picked up by their friends and admirers) and they may be now extending that into "guy".

I'm a little surprised that neither Ms Fan nor Mr Savage, who are both dancing on the edge of it, provided the term Nice Guy, a term which, when capitalized, indicates the sort of misogynist for which LW2 could practically serve as the poster person. Indeed, perhaps the most interesting part of the discussion for those who find the distinction of any use is whether LW2 if unchecked will develop into an MRA, a PUA or a MGTOW. I wonder what Ms Rand guesses.

Back to Ms Crinoline, my guess is that he doesn't really like her (much?) at all any more, but has always been attracted to her. The "fat little friend" opening is a little curious coming from a man, but the "She turned me" phrasing seems classic Nice Guy thinking (women have All Teh Agency). Her wanting to resume where they left off suggests (faintly?) that he thinks she got athe vast majority of the benefit of the original friendship. "Expects me to be like I was years back" - Brah lifts? [There's a first for me - I might not have used "lifts" in that context before and I know I'd never used that other word at all.] "Next" level - wouldn't it have to jump about five or six levels to get where LW wants?

#23 crossed Mr Cat's #21 - I forgot to underline the parasitic benefits for LW2 of the "friendship" - which, had I been able to make this into an SS letter, would have recalled to mind the brief period of QAF after Brian outed Michael and they weren't speaking when Ted became Brian's sidekick for a short time and picked up his rejects.

I was going to give LW3 a full three-quarters of a point [term deliberate for the enjoyment of Ms Cute] for opening the letter properly in Newspeak. (if things get quiet here, we can discuss when the grace period for not specifying between OSM and SSM - Ms Fan/Mx Wanna, should GNM be handled the same way? - ought to come to an end.) Unfortunately, he spoiled almost all of it with the simple word "me". Anyone who remembers the pilot episode of Cracker will of course have noticed that "my" would have been superiour grammar (that was the clue which told police that the amnesiac played by Adrian Dunbar was reasonably educated). But the revelation that Sex = His O (or at least ought to do so) - oh dear, oh dear. Now this would seem even a better time for the commentariat's suggestion of what I'll call the Mrs Horton Solution than the occasion of Mr Horton's actual lament. Ms Fan seems to be headed in that general direction, and I don't disagree.

In an amusing way, though, Ms Fan @14 recalls to mind the portion of my conversation last week with Ms Phile about gender equity in rejection of suggestions that a pair try X. I propose in all good humour and fully cognizant that I'm the tourist here that, if it is gender equity for a female partner to receive at least twice as many Os as her male partner, then it could be gender equity for a male partner to be entitled to ask twice as often for X before taking no for an answer, because women are socialized to be good girls and say No almost automatically on the first request or six. Ms Lava, I hope, thought immediately of Mr Collins' proposal to his cousin Elizabeth, during which he persisted in interpreting her increasingly pointed refusals as mere form in accordance to the custom among elegant females. (My apologies to Ms Fez, but that was too good an example to resist.)

There is only one part of L3 to which I can relate at all - the duration. Back in the day, I always considered an hour quite short. To be fair, though, I was abnormally flexible. Or maybe I qualified without ever knowing it for edging. Ah, the glorious past!

It doesn't matter how you cut it; if you need something that's not on Maslow's hierarchy in order to be happy and well functioning, you're an addict (I think Maslow had pretty reasonable ideas about basic needs). Whether an addict is 'an asshole whose addiction medicates their condition', or 'a normal person who accidentally sensitized their brain to think of their addiction as a good thing' is hard to determine if you didn't know the person before their addiction. I for one don't think that all the patients throughout history who became addicted to cocaine, morphine, or oxycodone were assholes who found a medication for it, although I'm sure they were all nasty while in withdraw too. Most addicts are well functioning, people who need their daily soaps or cuppa or candy bars etc, easy fixes that aren't too unhealthy as a habit. On the other end of the spectrum people are murdering for their fix (which seems to only happen with the harder drugs), or hurting everyone around them with their vice, like a broke gambler or hoarder who's run out of space.

Sexy Cat - Phllo, I think that’s a bit harsh on #3. He didn’t include all steps taken, but presumably he didn’t go straight to the supplements and therapy, they came after some attempt at ‘Um, honey, what’s wrong?”
I can go with the Phllo. But I think it's reasonable to expect a het dude to try to incorporate vibes, grope sessions, sexy books/pics/vids, digest some instructional media etc before suggesting medication. And yes, I did forget to give him points for managing to bring up the sex problem with his wife :) & if he started seeing someone else honestly, I think she would too, although he'd have to make it very clear that he wouldn't hypocritically shame her for it. Probably too delicate for these two.

I agree with the others who say he sounds clueless about sex. I suppose I shouldn't be so harsh about ignorance but for a husband... I'm not even sure if his wife can O, there's little useful info in the letter imo. I was much more disappointed that Dan listed cheating as equally valid as an open relationship (and still, why only on hubby's side?)

THCTRAP is an enabler, the boyfriend is an addict. Get help, both of ya.

GGP is a passive-aggressive Nice Guy(TM). Get help to grow a pair.

UGH's marriage is in trouble. If she "breaks down" in a conversation about their sex life, odds are she can't handle any kind of opening of the marriage. Time to split up and each find more compatible partners.

I will bet anything that LW2's girl was willing to take everything he had while dangling the prospect of a relationship in front of him. That he wants to spend money taking her on an expensive trip shows that he is still the same guy.

@26: Fair enough; I don't disagree. Just... something in the letter makes me think that the guy probably wouldn't be worth dating even if he dropped the habit. It's not a strong certainty for me, but I'd bet five imaginary dollars that he was an asshole even before he got into weed, and that the weed just makes him barely tolerable.

Either way, she should DTMFA. That fear of losing face with her friends because she defended him is one of those bullshit fears everyone needs to learn to get over.

And man, this is another of those lessons in the importance of having good friends, and then listening to them.
LW1: When people who care about you think someone is bad news, pay attention.

THCTRAP-- Let's review some basics. I was going to skip writing because the commenters have been through this territory so many times before, but this may be new to you so let's go over it.

Your boyfriend has a sweet deal. He gets to do whatever he wants, treat you however he wants, and you'll put up with anything. That he treats you like crap is one part of it. A bigger worry is that he stands to lose his job at any moment which will mean he has no money for dope which will mean he'll be treating you like crap even more often. This guy is not a catch.

You are not at fault for making him angry. (Like I said, I'm going over basics.) If there's even the least bit of doubt in your mind over that point, seek counseling. There is no reason to stay with someone who blames you for his anger.

Sometimes it feels impossible to get out of a bad relationship, but it's actually easier to leave when you're only 3 years in.

Losing face is not the worst thing in the world. It's actually a show of strength to ask for help when you need it.

Even if your boyfriend is not literally beating you up when he's angry (yet), you can still call a woman's shelter and ask to speak to a social worker about your situation. You can get advice on how to get out of your situation.

Not all communities have the sort of social services you need to get out. This may be hard, but it is not insurmountable. Even if you have little money, you can get together enough for a bus ticket to get to a larger city where there is likely to be some sort of shelter and some sort of help applying for welfare.

Do you have a job? Can you work? It doesn't take much, and anything is better than feeling tied to a man who is mean, angry, hurtful and horrible to be around.

Do you have a family? You can go running home to them with your tail between your legs, sleep on the couch for a bit, save your money, and get a place of your own as soon as you can afford it.

You do not owe him anything. He will probably try to convince you that you do. Again, seek counseling.

Good luck. You can do this.

And as SL's self-designated Official Herbalist (Chinese Medicine division) I'll chime in re supps for libido - they're highly individualized as their effects (and rhino horn was never used for this, btw, it was for stuff like hemorragic fevers, for which a TCM doc these days would shuffle you off to the ER, immediately), but nothing works like 'bang!', and it's hard for anything to get a grip if you're not in good health, or depressed.
A gf said that Maca 'turned (her) into a rabbit,' but she was enjoying her job and in bangin' shape, as well.
Wait, is this when that one poster is going to come in with her 'Orgasmic DIet' book, again, now?

Agree with #30 Eud on the bf, similar to 'alcohol turns someone into an asshole.'

Dan seemed to have ignored a couple of options that he has previously given to couples in the same situation.
1) Change up the sex: Have sex every day (or every other day) but you MUST do it in places you have not had sex before, in positions you never tried before, introducing new elements (vibrators, ropes, blindfolds, erotic games) that have never been tried, take risks (i.e. being caught fingering/giving a hand job) etc.
2) Give your wife the chance to fuck some other guys: Like Dan alluded to, the asexual woman who leaves a relationship (and all the hangups she had that she should ONLY want sex with her husband) then suddenly finds herself wanting to fuck a lot of people may be unconsciously craving liberated sex. Not sex that she is supposed to have (post marital) with the man she is supposed to have it with (her husband), but sex that SHE wants, sex that her conservative upbringing told her it was a sin to want. Unattached, not relationship related, sex for the sole purpose of her enjoying fucking. I know that may be uncomfortable for you UGH, but if it allows her to cast off the hangups that prevent her from enjoying sex, she may open up and then start having the sex she wants to have with you that she doesn't currently know how to have.

And to the people that say UGH should be grateful for the 30 minutes of sex he does get, I can speak from experience that a huge factor for me and my enjoyment is my partner's enthusiasm. If his wife overthinking or trying to force herself to enjoy sex (imagine a woman on top of you but she looks like someone taking the SAT's, trying to force themselves to remember the answer to a question) that can be a total libido killer.

@29 seems to be bringing a lot that is not actually in the letter. "Dangling the prospect of a relationship?" If being someone's friend is dangling the prospect of a relationship then we are all guilty. No one made him hang out with her. It sounds like he doesn't even like her, he just wants to fuck her. He resents her for not returning the attraction, and for his OWN choice to waste time with someone he doesn't like.
As is, he's pretty sad; but I hope he takes his would-be vacation money and does fun, interesting things, and in time becomes a fun, interesting person, that people are more likely to want to fuck.

LW3: Half an hour!? It's been said by other commenters, but that's a long time to be fucked. Unless that half hour includes a lot of foreplay and non-penetrative acts as well I'd say the problem here is the LW. Why does it take him so long to orgasm while engaging in PIV? And if it doesn't take him long and he can come earlier then he should propose quickies to his wife. And even if it does take him that long if her issue is the duration then he might consider having sex without the goal of orgasming for a dozen times or so. Thirty minutes is a long time to be fucked, particularly if LW is into rough pounding.

More frequent but shorter sessions. They may not have sexual incompatibility in the sense of completely different libidos but rather in preferences for different duration and intensity in the act itself. That's still an incompatibility but it's something you can work on.

Letter #3 is another that seems to beg for a review. I'm bored today so I'll have it.

1. Possible reasons for their inactive sex life: Her upbringing. He's a lousy lover. Birth control. Depression. Antidepressant meds. Sexual mismatch. Low libido/asexuality. Unacknowledged homosexuality (tied in with her upbringing). Unacknowledged kink that would turn her on (tied in with her upbringing). Her weight gain. Specific gynecological problem. Her low self esteem. Not enough foreplay. Varying hormone levels throughout cycle. He takes too long to come, 30 minutes. Pain.*

2. Her way of dealing with the lousy sex life is to stop having sex.

3. His way of dealing with the lousy sex life is to write to Dan. Dan outlined cheating/not cheating options.

4. The big problem is her unwillingness to work on the problem. They've tried: Marriage counseling. Natural remedies stored in pantry. Work out DVD's.

5. They might also try: Vibrator. Change in birth control. Alcohol. Marijuana. Change in marriage counselor. Sex therapist. Lube. Vaginal estrogen. Oral sex. New positions. New locations. Risks. Ropes. Porn/erotica/romance novels. Specific talk with gynecologist about problem as opposed to getting a check up and being told she's okay. Outside partners.

*With no actual evidence to go on, I'm going to concoct the following scenario. She's sexually inexperienced, nervous. Something is causing her pain, but she's embarrassed to admit it even to a doctor. She's been taught all her life that something magical happens on the wedding night, but it doesn't. She hopes it get better, but it gets worse. What started as a minor medical/psychological problem has become a terrible one.

I'd suggest that UGH go to his wife and say "The next 6 months are all about you. I'll do everything I can to give you sexual pleasure with no thought to myself. Let's try this as an experiment. You're under no pressure to do anything except think about what you like. And then he does it. He rubs her all over. He gives her massages. He licks her clit. He fingers her with varying amounts of pressure. PIV sex is off the table. Even if he gets her to the point where she wants it, they continue petting for a while longer. He's got to rebuild (or build for the first time) the idea that she can enjoy sex and make that more than clear.

I'd also bring up the possibility of divorce where they stay friends since UGH says he enjoys her company and she's good whenever things are rough.

"There are people out there who are high all the time, I know hundreds of them, and they are perfectly functional, responsible human beings."

Curious about the logistics of this. To be high all the time, you have to partake at least 5-6 times a day or more. They can't possibly have jobs, right? And he knows *hundreds* of them...?

About LW#1 - Pot: I've often thought of it as a security blanket - useful when necessary but smothering when not. Here's the thing: I have a long term 'friend' whose pot intake is astounding. He began in his teens, and is now in his 60s. With pot, he is a sweet, funny, knowledgeable and likable guy who is very able to play well with others. Without it he is an obnoxious, closeted teenager, unable to cope with his sexuality, his crushes, his friends, his job, any and all authority (father) figures, etcetera. I think that hazing over our difficulties in life with a little smoke can be a really good thing, when necessary. And pot is really good at helping us not deal with shit we can't deal with. But year after year of not dealing with our shit is itself toxic. The LW needs to dump the guy, and the guy needs to stop smoking, and start dealing. Otherwise he'll never make it out of his teens, which stops being acceptable very shortly after one makes it out of one's teens.

@33: Yeah. I figure there are people who turn into assholes when drunk*, and then there are assholes who are kind of okay as long as they're drugged out of their minds. Boyfriend strikes me as being the latter.
*By which we mean, people for whom not being an asshole requires constant effort, and who can't maintain it while drunk.

LW2 needs to learn that when he applies for a job, the interview process is supposed to be mutual--they're determining if they want to hire you, but you're also supposed to be determining if you want to work with them. Dude, one of the things you need in a partner is for her to like you "that way." This one doesn't. Partners who don't want you don't make good partners, so keep looking.

Venn: The phrase "Nice Guy" was at the forefront of my head as I wrote my comment. But he'd already come close enough to labeling himself as such with the sign-off "Good Guy." And while my initial reaction was to offer a Cat Brother-like alternative strategy for approaching the object of his desire ("how about just telling her you fancy her and asking her out, instead of taking the cowardly and sexist Insert-Kindness-Tokens-Until-Sex-Falls-Out approach"), I realised this guy doesn't deserve to get the girl. So why help him out?

Out of curiosity, what's a MGTOW?

Re: the distribution of orgasms, I am not being disingenuously unfeminist by not proposing a one-to-one ratio. I feel, instead, that each person, no matter what their gender, should have a sufficient number of orgasms as to leave them satisfied. For the overwhelming majority of men I have shagged in my life, that number is one. By "overwhelming majority," I have slept with exactly one man who can have multiple orgasms without necessarily ejaculating, and continue with the sex. So, yeah, this particular guy gets to come at least as many times as I do, if not more. Every other guy I've slept with, who is out of his teens, requires a substantial recovery period after coming. Women, not the case. Sure, some women are ready to stop or need a long rest after one orgasm -- and these women should make sure their partners are satisfied before taking their one "turn." But a typical woman can come several times to her male partner's one, and is nowhere near "finished" after just one. So how can a one-for-her, one-for-him rule possibly be said to be egalitarian?

I don't understand everyone's focus on the "Currently, she can last having sex for nearly half an hour" part of letter #3 (well, I guess I can, since that's where people can criticizer the lw). From the letter in its entirety I would say that the wife sounds profoundly depressed. She feels unattractive--too unattractive to feel sexy or desirable, yet she isn't doing anything about it (the workout videos that are dusty). That kind of hopeless inertia signals depression.
I'd start with the wife getting therapy and perhaps medication and some regular, vigorous exercise.
Those might help a lot of things.

GGP, you sound bitter as hell, not like a 'good guy'. You are projecting, and unless you take responsibility for that, nothing will change with your friend or future women you will no doubt see as similar to her.

She turned me into the pretty girl's fat little friend years ago She did not wave a wand and turn you into anything. Accept responsibility for this, and you've taken step one. Unless you are leaving out how she ridiculed your looks, then deal with your insecurity, and stop associating it with how it's somehow your friend's fault. There's step two. Being overweight does not automatically rule out a dating/sex life, but if you are unhappy with your health or size, take necessary steps to improve it. And do that for YOU, not as a ticket into her (or anyone else's) panties.

She has tried to rekindle a relationship, but she expects me to be like I was years back. I take it you mean she moved, you two lost touch, and now that she's back in your area, she is interested in resuming the friendship. I assume she never knew about the torch you carried for her, so her actions are innocuous.

I guess I'm hoping she will give if she gets. What a lucky gal she is! I can just see her version of this in a future letter. "Dan, a guy I've been friends with for a long time invited me on a trip with him. He then let it be known that he has resented me for ages for not returning the affections he never told me he had, and the whole trip was a ruse of Quid Pro Quo proportions to get me to date or fuck him."

GGP, you can change up a lot that's going on here. Whether it gets you into a relationship or a bed with this woman is irrelevant. What it will definitely do is make you take responsibility for yourself, and create much more optimistic chances of being a happy, good guy in the future.

nocutename @42, most letters like UGH's say: "we haven't had sex in _________" (ten weeks, ten months, ten years, whatever.) In place of that line, he said that their sex was not fulfilling, and she couldn't last longer than thirty minutes -- which meant they were often stopping before he came. That sounds like people who do have sex on a regular basis, it's just not good sex.

Which meant that it seems premature to advise cheating or divorce. After all, the LW likes his wife and she seems to like him. And she doesn't seem to be refusing sex; just not enjoying it. So it seems sensible to propose new ways to inspire her sexual enjoyment and consider if he can come in a shorter time.

@ 38 - Until my lungs and throat started sending me alarm signals some 6-7 years ago, I smoked around 12 joints a day, everyday for about 20 years. Now I smoke 12 joints a day, everyday, but only half the time (usually alternating in periods of two to three weeks).

Through all that time, I have always held a job - it's not that hard to take a ten minute break and go smoke a joint outside. I went to university and got an A+ average for my B.A. (working part-time all the while). The quality of my work is definitely better when I'm high (though I'll admit I have to check it more attentively for spelling mistakes). I don't know hundreds of people like me, but at least a couple of dozens, and they are all "perfectly functional, responsible human beings".

Weed doesn't make you totally apathetic when you use it regularly. It makes you mellower and more creative, that's pretty much it.

In this case, the problem lies somewhere else, in my opinion. I've never seen this type of behaviour in people who smoke weed (coke/crack and heroin, yes, but not weed) and I've been hanging around stoners since I'm 13 (I'm almost 50 now).

This guy is self-medicating for something way more serious. The LW needs to bring him to a shrink, then get the hell out of there.

EricaP @45: I'm not suggesting either a divorce or cheating.
Here's the letter:
"In our 12-year relationship, our sex life hasn't ever been really active, but after being married, my wife's sex drive decreased noticeably. She had promised things would improve once we tied the knot. She explained that her upbringing was conservative and she felt guilty about having sex before marriage. But marriage didn't help. We've gone to couples' therapy, only to abandon it because she doesn't feel any progress, and our pantry has barely used natural remedies for low libido. Our library has workout DVDs collecting dust after she said she felt too fat to be attractive. Currently, she can last having sex for nearly half an hour before feeling exhausted and stopping, regardless of me reaching orgasm or not. On the other hand, we enjoy each other's company and we've got each other's backs whenever things are rough, so I can't say she's uninterested in me. I can't remember the last time I had fulfilling sex. Whenever I bring it up, she breaks down, saying she's not enough for me. My need for sex is killing me."

I note that although the lw is focusing on the sex that he and his wife aren't having, he paints a picture of a woman who sounds depressed: she didn't feel any progress with couples' therapy, she feels too fat to be attractive, yet her workout DVDs have grown dusty, she hasn't used the natural remedies she's bought (or the lw's bought for her) for her low libido, she says she's not enough for her husband--which I interpret to mean that she feels guilty and her self-esteem is as low as her libido.

I think it would benefit her to get some help. That can take the form of individual talk therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, medication, and exercise (diet, too: maybe she's eating a lot of sugar) or a combination of some or all of those things. All that can help her regain her self esteem and sense of being sexy and attractive. Then they can start working on improving their sex life. She is completely uninterested in sex now, and I don't think that all the work on his technique in the world will change that in her present state of mind.

I don't know where you got the idea I was suggesting cheating or divorce.

@nocutename, I didn't say you were suggesting cheating or divorce. Dan's the one who suggested cheating or divorce:

>> Here are your non-divorce options, UGH: (1) You can get sex elsewhere without her okay, aka "cheating." (2) You can ask your wife for permission to get sex elsewhere, aka "not cheating." (3) You can resign yourself to a sexless marriage, aka "cheating inevitably." >>

He seemed to leave out fixing their sex life, so that's where a lot of the discussion went. (You asked why people were focusing on the "half an hour of sex" part of Letter #3.) I do agree with you that starting by getting her some therapy and exercise is a good approach.

Clearly, men are getting the message that lasting longer = better, it's a pervasive belief. But here everyone is, calling this dude a selfish asshole for going that long, with a straight face. No (decent) person accuses someone with anorexia of being an attention whore.

@15 no doubt dude has some blinders on with regards to how to attract women, but ignorance doesn't equal misogyny, and it's ludicrous to infer that he's up for a potential rape. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't, but he's about as likely as you, or dan, or any other slogger to do it.

Of course, what's he supposed to do? Being a "nice guy" is misogynist, being a PUA is misogynist, you seem to think that the only legitimate way to attract someone is to just... well I'll assume you have no problem with this guy falling into the Wizard community.

Since i dont THINK i saw it mentioned in any of the current comments.....

Viagra for women is about to hit the market.... Flibanserin. So...LW3... just hang on a little longer without the divorce/cheat/open options....

also... teach yourself how to have a quickie. And by quickie... i mean cumming within minutes...

p.s. if viagra for women works... your wife will still be depressed...and you should be helping her to resolve that... but...perhaps she will be horny and depressed...

LW1; Running out of dope , my ex got angry too. Or he got more angry. I do think the dope does have an effect, and it's worse if the person doesn't have a strong control over themselves and their emotions.
Please don't run your romantic life to suit your friends. That is sad. And no, don't get him stoned 24/7.

Ms Fan - I'm quite prepared to accept that the *equitable* ratio (note that I said "equity" rather than "equality") is greater than 1:1 (I'd be astonished if it weren't), but you'll not blame me, I'm sure, for this all being Holmes-Sun-Earth to me.

MGTOWs are Men Going Their Own Way. Instead of attempting, as MRAs do, to fix what they perceive to be a broken system ("on a whim, she can decide to divorce you and take everything you own and get your child support payments for the child she conceived by cheating on you calculated on what you could be earning if you worked twice as long and hard as you do now instead of what you are earning, etc."), they refuse more than a certain level of interaction with women, wherever whichever one is speaking happens to set the bar (no marriage, no relationships, no dating, no sex - there are various possibilities). As the G stands for Going, it seems almost appropriate that most of them (except the ones we never see because they're actually Gone) are still hanging around complaining (or, in their own words, recruiting).

I'll object to one assumption of yours, that he doesn't deserve to get her. We don't know that. Maybe this couple ought to be in a Covenant Marriage just to make sure neither of them can harm the innocent. His testimony is that of an unreliable witness, of course, and can't be taken as evidence of truth, but he could be right even if he's trying to be malicious. I can see a plausible (not necessarily probable) picture of a sort of Heather Duke (Green Heather, played by Ms Doherty) assembling a squadron of second-tier minions because she can't openly challenge Heather Chandler for the Red Croquet Ball.

I agree, though, with your not wanting to help him. If your assistance brought about his success, it would be because of her being genuinely nice, and that would be a bad result. And if she has always been a Mean Girl who's become a Mean Woman, your advice wouldn't work.

Ms Crinoline - I'd propose a trial separation instead. Making it all about the wife for six months will give her an incentive to figure out how to drag out or make permanent such a state of affairs if she is at all like little Annamaria Middleton, whose screams when accidentally scratched slightly by a pin in her mother's headdress elicited such a flurry of coddling attention that she was far too sensible to desist until the application of some apricot marmalade. During the TS their occasionally meeting up and following your recommended programme might be quite helpful.

A follow-up thought on the thirty-minute shagging: Once we get to the penis-in-vagina portion of the evening, I usually ask my wife how long she wants me to go. She'll give me some rough idea ("medium," "stretch it out", "fuck me hard and fast"), and we take it from there. Best thing about this system is that I don't know why she chooses what she does: sometimes she says "fast" because she's on the cusp and wants us to come together, and sometimes she's tired/sore and wants to get some sleep. So I get useful direction in a manner that doesn't kill the mood. Hell, most of the time it gets me going even more.

@52 the only "equitable" ratio is 0:0.
Some women I've been with have never gotten off during sex (or at all, in their life). Others are coming 30 seconds in and 4 or 5 times a session. Some dudes can last as long as they care to, others can't go a minute. Lesson is, be responsible for your own orgasm

LW1: I was in the same situation. Whenever I asked my college boyfriend to stop smoking weed so he could get a job - rough demands, I know - he became so mean. The first day, it would just be little snide remarks. Second day, insults and name calling. Third day, I'd wake up and brace myself - because I knew that day I would be physically assaulted - and I always was. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. And then he'd say, "Now can I get some fucking weed?" (I did finally leave him after he threatened to kill me - I hope you leave your bf too - no amount of money is worth the abuse.)

I hate when people say, "Its not the weed. He's just an asshole!" It was the weed. And he was addicted to it. If you knew someone who was nice then got addicted to meth and they got crazy, would you say, "Oh, he was just an asshole waiting to come out!" No, you'd say, "Meth fucked him up."

Weed just does that to some people. Its not a harmless plant. I believe it should be legal. I believe we should stop locking people up. And it also causes major mental health issues for some people. And that's hard for cannabis connoisseurs to admit.

edit to my post @48: in addition to cheating & divorce, Dan also proposed the guy might ask for a pass to get sex elsewhere. But Dan seemed to skip over any possibility of improving their sex life.

#58, that sound like a horrible experience, and I’m sorry you had to go through it.
I’ve never thought that pot was totally harmless, but the side effect I’ve seen and heard of most often is more low-level fucking up (losing keys/wallet, late for work) and complacency.
I am fine with positing that a guy who daily physically assaulted you because he was on the weed wagon, was already an asshole, and not that nice to begin with, not unlike people who blurt out racist/sexist/whatever-ist shit when they’ve had one or three.

EricaP: I didn't see the discussion as focusing on fixing their sex life as much as in putting him down for his half hour of sex.
I don't know if this marriage's sex life can be fixed, honestly. The wife is repressed, has a low libido, low self-esteem, body image issues, a religious background, and seems depressed.
There is nothing I can see in the way of sex tips or sex technique advice to the husband that is going to make up for that cocktail.

She has to want to change for her self, for her own sake. Not to save her marriage, not to sex it up, but just to be a happier person. IF she can do that, and is so motivated, they may be able to work with specific sex tips.

nocutename @61, I don't know, I find this more cheery than most such letters:
"we enjoy each other's company and we've got each other's backs whenever things are rough"

54-Mr. Venn-- Trial separation would continue the dysfunctional dynamic they already have which reads: I'm a bad wife/bad person who can't do sex, but there's nothing I can do about it so therefore I'm punished by not being allowed to live my husband I love. That doesn't solve anything. At the end of the 6 months the trial separation becomes a permanent one. That's a shame. Meanwhile, he's not getting anything he wants either which is sex with his wife whom he actually loves. Double sadness.

In my 6 months of making it about her pleasure proposal, she has incentive to continue the experiment past the 6 months only if she already knows she likes everything except PIV sex or only if she has already determined that she wants to hurt him by withholding PIV sex or only if she thinks he's not going to masturbate after getting her turned on. If the problem turns out to be anxiety (I can't perform, I'm not good enough for him, it might hurt), then removing the cause of the anxiety will solve the problem. She'll gain confidence in her ability to lubricate and get turned on. She'll gain experience in learning what she likes. She won't feel like she's under so much pressure.

If, after 6 months, she again experiences pain, then she has information she can to a GYN with. She can say, for example, I get turned on under these circumstances, but PIV sex hurts in this way. For all she knows, there's a problem a GYN can look for, diagnose, and treat.

FunFact @58 It's horrible that you were subjected to that sort of treatment, and I'm glad you got out. But I don't agree that "it was the weed". He was likely using whatever substance he could to try to deal with his anger and abusive tendencies. It could've been alcohol or another narcotic. If he suddenly no longer had weed ever again, I don't find it believable that he would revert to Mr. Sunshine and treat you or any other partner well.

I've had a lot of experience with smoking pot in the past, and known a ton of people who have, too, and there is a major difference between pot and something like meth. All drugs are not created equal, nor is their repeated usage.

Infidel @38 I understand the hesitancy in believing someone who gets high every day can have a job and function, but many can. I've known people who excel at school (and teaching), as well as other jobs, and certainly within the creative arts, while indulging daily or nearly daily. The stereotype of a stoner operating like Cheech & Chong and ordering pizza all day may apply to many, but certainly not to all.

@58: "I hate when people say, "Its not the weed. He's just an asshole!" It was the weed."

For what it's worth, if you meant me, I was referring to the way it seemed like he was being given a little bit of a pass for being an addict, and ehhhh... I didn't get the sense that that was justified in this instance.

Ms Crinoline - You're presuming purity of intentions on her side of which I'm highly doubtful. (I doubt both of them, but that's another matter.) "Properly" presented as its being All His Fault, a trial separation during which they "date" each other as well as outsiders might well appeal to someone with the sort of selfishness we might attribute to her if we take the letter at face value.

A great many people with problems would rather have the problem than the solution, and the letter rather suggests that Wife #3 is in that category. I know I have mentioned before the Prudie letter from a husband whose wife found that childhood abuse reared up just after the wedding and brought about the end of their sex life. She went into therapy, and three years later all she or the therapist would say was that she was "making progress". Giving someone with difficulty getting motivated to solve a problem too comfortable an atmosphere in which to co-exist with the problem is perhaps less dangerous than pressuring, but it still creates the kind of incentive to keep the problem around that people with motivational difficulties have trouble resisting. A delicate hint of danger can do considerable good, if one can avoid going overboard (such an overboard example being what Strindberg always considered his refutation of A Doll's House). In general, I see this as non-gendered, although this particular letter and some replies to it raise faint strains of that problematic Happy Wife Happy Life.

I could go on, but I want to preserve my psychic energy for other more August-worthy situations.

@ 58 - "And that's hard for cannabis connoisseurs to admit"

That's because connoisseurs (which means "a person who knows a lot about something") realize that this isn't true.

Some people become paranoid when they smoke weed, but they're affected when they smoke, not when they go without.

The supposed link between schizophrenia and weed consumption has also been put into doubt by more recent studies. It seems that the appearance of the first symptoms of schizophrenia was what led people to smoke weed, and not the opposite. (Some anecdotal evidence that I find relevant just the same: I know a family of four brothers whose father was a schizophreniac. The only one of the four brothers who suffers from schizophrenia is also the only one who never smoked weed. I'm not saying the weed prevented the others from developing it, just that it had no influence.)

Your ex-BF and the LW's BF have some serious problems, but I highly doubt that it's the weed. Weed is the remedy, not the cause. Your ex might still have seemed like a nice guy when he started smoking, but that doesn't mean that he couldn't feel symptoms that those around him weren't aware of yet.

And honestly, your comparison with meth shows that you have little knowledge of the different side effects of drugs.

Is it just me, or are there segments of the article text missing? (note: I'm reading this on an iPhone)

As for letter #3, plenty have commented on the duration angle, but overall, dude sounds rather selfish. Every problem with their sex life is hers: she felt guilty about premarital sex, her sex drive decrease after marriage, she didn't feel couples' therapy was making progress, she feels fat and unattractive, but won't use those fucking workout DVDs that are gathering dust. She can only last half an hour before being exhausted and stopping, even if he hasn't orgasmed yet. No mention about whether she's orgasming or not.

I don't know if that 30 minutes is just fucking or what, but based on that letter I'm 90% sure it ain't including much time eating pussy, or attending to her pleasure in general, because it's pretty fucking clear she's not much more than a hole to him when it comes to sex.

Sorry you're not feeling fulfilled sexually, UGH. Have you considered the possibility that the feeling is mutual, and she's just ill-advisedly trying to protect your sky-high ego rather than tell you straight up how awful you are at sexing her? You think 12 years of this is a tragedy for you, I'd say she's probably a saint for putting up with your hearless pumping for all that time.

I think Dan's advice is backwards. Instead of considering inflicting himself on some other woman, with or without the consent of his wife, UGH should consider finding her a guy who can pleasure her right, and then maybe getting some tips.

LW2: you freak me out. Spooky vibe.
Sort of like if you don't get what you want, you might get violent.
Dump yourself.. And if that's not possible, dump those attitudes.

Can see why Wayne hasn't bothered to chime in, cause the expect Dan has called on, re the dope question, we know what he's going to say.
What is this fallacy that dope does no damage. Long term dope smokers, pot heads, stoners.. Seem to develop a very grey pallor. I can't believe that's a good sign.

@49a: I didn't see anyone calling LW3 a selfish asshole. I saw plenty of people pointing out that half an hour of sustained fucking will wear most women out, not just his wife, and suggesting other things that they could do that they might both enjoy more. But yeah, a lot of men have this idea that fucking for hours is what women want, and while 7.3 minutes from start to finish is unlikely to satisfy, too much of a good thing is also undesirable.

@49b: I think you're the one who has blinkers on. You've clearly never been on the wrong end of a man who felt entitled to sex because he'd bought dinner/taken you on X dates/was horny. Maybe LW2 will take no for an answer, maybe he won't, but he's clearly planning on pushing for sex. What's he supposed to do? See my parenthetical @41. And what's the Wizard community? Not familiar with that term.

@52: Thanks for the explanation. Men who hate women SHOULD go their own way, IMO, instead of engaging in dating as a zero-sum competition. (Yes, this applies to women who hate men, too.)

@58: As a regular pot smoker, I concur. And I agree with you that weed smokers are, for the most part (hello Ricardo!), in denial about the fact that some people do develop a problem with weed. It can be addictive -- psychologically if not physically -- just like shopping, gambling, exercise, anything can be addictive. People have different brain chemistries and weed affects some people in different ways than others. It may be a lot less harmful than booze or other drugs, but that doesn't mean it's 100% okay in unlimited quantities for every person.

I love smoking dope, I dont feel
It is physically addictive.. I do believe there is some link between young, undeveloped minds smoking a lot of dope and late adolescent psychosis.
Smoking it effects the lungs. To say there are no side effects, is not true.

LW3, what a sad sad letter. Great you and your wife are good friends etc, and maybe that's what you need to build on .
The marriage sounds like it is dead in the water sexually and has always been that way. Twelve years, and it is still not happening, yes she could do this and that.. You could do this and that.. Or you could own that you are sexually unfulfilled and leave. Keep the friendship, end the marriage.

Ms Fan - No quarrel with the sentiment. There is a split, though, to be fair - some genuinely hate women or think so lowly of them as to produce the same effect, and some just think the risk is too great. I think the cream of the crop are the ones who don't complain but just go about their lives and nobody ever knows about them, a little, perhaps, like the way that people who have considered the matter deliberately and decided to remain Child-Free by Choice are told what excellent parents they'd be.

@77: Bizarrely, the longer you remain child-free, the more you'll hear what excellent parents you'd be, despite the ever-accumulating evidence to the contrary.

@ 74 - I am not in denial about it being psychologically addictive. I didn't say anything related to that, so I don't see how you got that impression.

I have a close friend who's most definitely addicted psychologically - he's convinced that he can't go without, even though he sometimes manages to (for reasons of availability). I myself at one point didn't think I could function without it, but surprise, surprise, I did it, and rather effortlessly. It's a lot easier to break that cycle than the physical addiction one, as the main withdrawal symptom is generally "feeling slightly bored".

What I did say is that it's not the cause of such shitty behaviour as described by the LW and FunFact; it's what prevents the shitty behaviour from being constant in those individuals. Self-medicating to avoid facing the weird thoughts/voices in your head is not the same as being psychologically addicted.

@ 78 - So very, very true.

67-Mr. Venn-- Of course we can never know what will work or won't work for Mr. and Mrs. UGH unless they come back to tell us. Since most marriages seriously on the rocks slip further down into divorce, it's safe to say that anything suggested is a terrible idea and then prove it by pointing out that the couple tried it and split up anyway. That said, I'll give my argument for why I think trial separation is a terrible idea.

Mrs. UGH already doesn't like sex. A 6 month trial separation for her probably sounds like a 6 month reprieve from pressure to partake in something she doesn't like. Mr. UGH likes sex, but he would like it with his wife. A 6 month trial separation for him would mean 6 months of looking for casual sex or of quickly trying to find a relationship worth it for him to leave his wife for. He doesn't sound like the kind of guy for whom that is appealing.

I agree with you about the delicate hint of danger, but in this case, the danger to Mrs. UGH is that her husband will leave her-- and she won't have to have sex with him. So she spends 6 months in an even more anxious state still convinced that there's nothing she can do about her distaste for sex. Maybe she picks up those freeweights a bit and half heartedly goes for those herbal remedies in the cupboard. She can tell him she tried, then sink back down into her depression in which bad things happen to her that there's nothing she can do anything about. (As you can tell, I'm halfway between having some compassion for someone who sounds ill to me and giving full voice to my contempt for someone I find baffling.)

Some of the text is showing up as missing to me, too. It looks like this:

Now, there are people out there who self-medicate with pot—in good ways, not bad ways.

pharmaceuticals for pot," said Skye, "because pot is a better substance for easing their pain and anxiety.

I, too, am having trouble what exactly the situation is in GGP, whether they were ever actually romantically involved, or were just friends, or what. But I think that at the very least this isn't a good match, as he seems resentful.

I don't think UGH's marriage is necessarily doomed; I agree with those who think they're doing better than a lot of people in similar situations. I don't necessarily think UGH is bad in bed, but I don't see any mention in the letter of her pleasure or orgasms, just his. We don't know if the 30 minutes includes forplay, oral, etc or is just PIV, but saying she "lasts" makes it sound like PIV. It sounds like a vicious circle to me -- sex is not good for either of them, it makes her sore, then she comes up with excuses for why she doesn't want to do it, and if she DOES do it she's not into it, making the circle worse. At this point I don't know if that attraction can be rekindled, but I agree that a "back to basics" approach would probably be best, seeing what gets her turned on and what she actually enjoys. Has she ever even had an orgasm?

Ms Crinoline - Well, at least I can make it more August-appropriate by suggesting it be an in-house separation modeled after that of Lindsay and Melanie, but they both seem so selfish it's difficult to determine what to suggest. What a shame that someone using such correct form about marriage equality should turn his letter so sour.

@ricardo.... do you consider yourself psychologically addicted to weed? My sister is addicted to weed in my opinion. The reason i think she is addicted is because she has elevated weed to an overly important thing. Its always part of "the perfect day" scenario. In my book, that qualifies as an addiction (minor and perhaps even harmless for her..but still). What i mean is: if someone's perfect day is even better with the addition of one specific mind-altering thing... then that thing is playing an oversize role in their life.... and probably isn't a net positive. I don't meant to imply judgment. I did this very thing with alcohol at one point in my life, and decided that it wasn't a good thing for me... so i quit. Do i consider myself an alcoholic....? no. But... by AA standards... i suppose i am... i just cut myself off before getting to that point. When i was younger, i tried to enjoy pot... i smoked it frequently...but never enjoyed it... so i get to sit here in my tower with no real understanding of how good weed can feel for someone. Weed just seems to be a sensitive topic for pot smokers.... like it is simply misunderstood and pot smokers arent addicts...etc. Anyone who drank 12 beers a day would most definitely be considered an addict... functional or otherwise. (if you spread out the 12 beers... you'd never be drunk... but... that wouldnt make any difference)

You make an interesting point at 79 "Self-medicating to avoid facing the weird thoughts/voices in your head is not the same as being psychologically addicted." I haven't really thought it through all that much...but at face value... i'd say i agree in principle... i think its just hard to keep those boundaries from blurring. Our society has confusing views on this general topic (pharma/alcohol/weed/illicit drugs) meaning: views that are full of holes. lol.

back to this LW's boyfriend... i agree with you... the assholery is being mitigated by the weed...not caused by it.

@50 "p.s. if viagra for women works... your wife will still be depressed...and you should be helping her to resolve that... but...perhaps she will be horny and depressed..."

Cute, but.... I want to point out that flibanserin is NOT AT ALL like Viagra and actually works on the central nervous system (much like anti-depressants, although flibanserin has not been proven successful as an anti-depressant). Also, for interested women, experts still recommend, even in addition to taking the new drug (which unlike Viagra, needs to be taken every day and build up in your system for about a month), all the traditional solutions to lack of sexual desire: therapy, better diet, regular exercise, etc.

I hope we can stop calling it female Viagra, and I hope that men with lower libido female partners don't put too much pressure on said partners to use it simply because they don't understand the differences.

@86 - what shall we call it?

Calico Cat@82( another cat. You guys would love my place.. Four of the little critters), Twelve years without satisfying sex?
I feel tired just thinking of it. It's over. It never began.

@ 85 - "Do you consider yourself psychologically addicted to weed?" Not anymore, no.

Being psychologically addicted to weed means that you call your dealer before you've finished your stash so as not to run out because you can't face the thought of a single day without it. When I realized that I had to slow down because I was coughing all the time, I truly felt panicked. I was psychologically addicted then.

Now that I got used to not smoking for varying lengths of time (up to 6 weeks, but usually around 3 after 2 weeks of consumption), I actually look forward to when I finish my stash, as that means I'll spend less time looking at stupid stuff on the Internet and I'll go out a bit more (and yet here I am, not having smoked in nearly 3 weeks, and still spending too much time on the Internet). I have a different kind of energy, less cerebral/creative, more physical. I realized that it was good to alternate, and I enjoy that new balance.

After a while without weed, though, I just feel like getting stoned again. So I do. It feels great. And I'll have my first joint with my first coffee because I enjoy spending the whole day in an altered state, not because I can't face the day without it (since I do that most days by now).

As for the "perfect day" thing: I love to travel, and I never look for weed when I do - too much hassle when you're in a different place/country. But if I go to a rock concert, watch a movie or read a novel, I prefer to smoke, as it makes me focus more and I get a heightened experience. It all depends on the setting/activity, but I don't see it as a negative anyway. Drugs are fun. They really are.

As Frank Sinatra might have said if he'd been born a couple of generations later, "I feel sorry for people that don't do drugs, because when they wake up in the morning, that is the best they are going to feel all day."

Me too, Ricardo. I love the creative buzz I get from dope, it just awakens something in me. All gone when I don't have it. I have an addictive personality, so I just stay stoned all day when I have it.
And yes, the coughing from it is a big big worry. So, for now- I'm off it.
The other woman continues, over at the "gone camping "question.

i smoked cigarettes for years. That is almost entirely a psychological addiction. Nicotine itself wears out very quickly... and if you can make it through the first 3 days... you are home free on the physical addiction side of it... but... its the mental side that is the killer. Thinking something would be so much better if you could just smoke... thinking the "only thing missing"... thinking you can't finish an amazing meal without that smoke... or have that morning coffee without that smoke... Many pot smokers i know are very much the same way with weed... whether they are calling their dealer for a refill or just wishing they could call their dealer.... For every high functioning pot head i know (one for whom the weed does not keep them from getting off the couch -metaphorically - there are 10 that are not that way... and the lethargy and apathy the pot breeds (or exacerbates..is probably more apt)... gets in the way of them living their lives.

I have enjoyed many other drugs over the years... but weed just doesnt agree with me. Turns me into a zombie. Always has. I will literally answer a question minutes later than it was asked... lol

lava- thanks for that... i had missed that gone camping post entirely... but just read through it (more or less). that one is out of my wheelhouse. I try not to post on threads where my first reaction is a bit of contempt.... when i know i should be more open-minded.. lol

@88 Lava, the photo is of a cat I fostered a few years ago. A real sweetheart, I would've liked to keep her but I ended up adopting the "difficult" cats I don't think anyone else would want. I have 2, I love them but they can be a handful at times.

@87 Snake Oil. We should call it Snake Oil. Dan reviewed it in a podcast quite recently, as I recall. Turns out, it has an effect only very minimally better than a placebo (going from 3-4 sex acts a month to 4-5). It can't be used in conjunction with birth control. And side effects include passing out without warning - For a really frighteningly high number of test subjects. I think I remember that one woman passed out while driving.

Viagra has a concrete physical effect, increasing capacity where desire already exists. The goal of Snake Oil is to create desire where it has been absent... It's having an almost imperceptible effect while trying to do a different job.

@ 91 - "and the lethargy and apathy the pot breeds (or exacerbates..is probably more apt)... gets in the way of them living their lives"

Your non-stoner perspective really shines through here. It doesn't get in the way of them living their lives: THAT is their life.

Weed is wonderful in that it makes you forget about being "productive" in the traditional Western sense. I'd go even further and say it makes you realize that being productive is not necessarily a particularly fulfilling way to live your life.

Sometimes not doing anything worthwhile is worthwhile in itself.

@ 90 - Indeed, I wish I could keep a bit of that creativity when I don't smoke (or be physically immune to the nasty effects of inhaling smoke all the time). My translations (that's what I do for a living) are so flat, so business-like, so boring without weed, but when I smoke, they're so fluid, so rich in vocabulary and so clever (in the ways I find to translate badly-constructed/ambiguous/meaningless sentences).

It's true that I'm more productive when I don't, though.

@95 - i guess i know too many stoners who have enablers... (people who support them)... so my view is more jaded than it should be... I love sitting around reading...or laying in my hammock... so i have a very positive view of "not doing anything worthwhile" being worthwhile in and of itself....

maybe many of the stoners i know would be the exact same way without pot (i.e. sitting around talking about all the amazing shit they intend to do...but not actually doing it). I blame them for my unrealistic view! hahaha

@ 97 - I always thought that they'd never legalize weed because it makes one want to step out of the capitalist, productivity-focussed system. Then, of course, they found a way to co-opt legalization as a capitalistically sound move. Still, the coming years will be rather interesting.

@94.Aealias; Yes, good name- snake oil- the bit I've read about it is that it is scary shit. And that they are close to allowing it because of so much pressure. That the side effects are many, and that it doesn't much increase a woman's desire. I'm sure as the guinea pig women take it, we'll hear about it.

Chairman, reading is not doing nothing.
Imagine the world if instead of people wasting time on Twitter, now there's an addiction, they spent time reading good books and strengthening their minds.
Yes, that gone camping thread was a doosey. And that the other woman came on to give her point of view, mind boggling.

@venn: A great many people with problems would rather have the problem than the solution

That right there is a gem.

I dare say there's a spring in your step. Has someone been lowering his guard?

Sean, so? That's it.. You disappear, tell nobody nothing, then waltz back in as if nothing has happened. Not good enough. Don't do it again.

Just playing with you Sean.
You were missed.

Dr Sean - You missed Mr Savage's annual penance of running an SS column, when I managed to drag the comment count kicking and screaming into triple digits this year by recounting an incident that still has me rather upset. As luck would have it, hours before the column came out, a young man I didn't know had paid me a personal compliment and repeated it when my response was quiet the first time. At the time, I interpreted the incident as basically the equivalent of a game show model's kindly flirting with an aged contestant, and it wasn't until it was too late that I realized it was really the equivalent of the letter Sabine Lisicki wrote to Wimbledon after injuries lowered her ranking to ask for a wild card. Even a mild signal of SS recognition (which I almost never give anyone, especially someone young, as it would seem so impertinent coming from someone of my age) would likely have helped him, and since the incident I've had to hope for the best for him.

86- I fully expect a future Savage Love column to read in its entirety:

Flibanserin. Discuss.

I'm happy you're back sweet seandr.

"Currently, she can last having sex for nearly half an hour"
Doesn't it sound like "currently it can manage 30 mpg on the highway, but I know it can get up to 40 with a little TLC." 10, maybe 20 minutes of foreplay and the same of PIV sounds reasonably polite, unless it's the first time for someone. Of course longer for both is fine if BOTH people want it. Or shorter.

When I said there wasn't much relevant info, I was referring to the lack of mention of one single sex act that turned her on. Something about sex is insufficient for hubby, perhaps that he doesn't always get off during sex, perhaps that his wife has always had an inactive sex drive, he doesn't really specify. He also complains that she's not taking her libido meds or working out enough so I guess those are his main problems too? It sounds like he doesn't appreciate the quality, but he could have forgotten to mention that they don't have sex often enough as well. (Neither is reason for hubby to give wifey an STI.) I infer that his wife has the same problem with quality as she doesn't seem to get turned on much around hubby. Although... it could just be physical attraction, his aging or weight, on her end, or perhaps she was never very physically attracted to him. Perhaps an honest companionate marriage could work.

This is a weird one.. it seems they had sex before marriage and he knew what he was getting into, although they both seemed to want marriage to fix it? Suddenly 12 years later he's going crazy wanting sex, writing to sexperts who may advise him to cheat... yet still seems to have no idea what turns his wife on...

Even if she liked her nipples licked or long kissing sessions or masturbating alone, there would be some place to start. The other possibility I see is that she's turned on enough in bed but doesn't take her responsibility to milk her husband seriously. She seems to feel to guilty for that though.

Re bias: If a woman were disappointed that her man could only last 30 minutes of PIV, I'd think she was weird too.