Columns Oct 7, 2015 at 4:00 am

Street Hassle

Steven Weissman

Comments

1
As screwed up as the event is, the typical, the female passive-aggresive attitude has shone through. She almost had my empathy until the arrogant "I look good" comment was added. If you know you look good and feel good, why let anyones comment ruin the day. I say skip the bookstore and head directly to the cat section of the animal shelter.
2
@1 why is that arrogant? No one is allowed to say they look good? And it does ruin your day because you don't know if the person you are encountering is dangerous or not. And then you have to rethink whether that route to where you are going is safe or not. It sucks. I'm glad I have a car and two large dogs. (I never walk anywhere without the two large dogs.)
3
if she thought she looked good. then why she get mad? she most likely not good looking. and guy tell truth. street harassment? Eff the op.

no one care but her. if this actually happen. nost likely not. this the stranger. and if anyone actually feel oh so fucked up to ruin your day. then problem with that person. they have self esteem issues.

the op is POS. wah=wah cry baby. bad man say i have nice arms. my day bad now, wah!

4
Seattle is all about STFU and mind your own bidness. Keep your "compliments" to yourself.
5
@3 Be honest--you were the creeper, right?
6
no one can "make" you feel anything. why give this schmuck that kind of power?
7
@6 Exactly. People suck, but why let it ruin your day? Especially if you know you look good. Someone else agreeing that you look good (creep or not) suddenly means that you don't? Suddenly makes you feel like shit? What if the person that made the comment hadn't been creepy looking but was a good looking white guy?
8
There's no way something like that should ruin your day.
Street harassment is like bird shit falling on your head,
you wipe it off and move on. That's a lame ass comment
anyway. I would only get insulted by a comment with some
intelligence.
10
To those saying that this shouldn't bother anyone - you must be a man. For most men, being harrassed on the street really doesn't have an impact. Just ignore and forget.

So, if it's not a problem you experience, then it must not be a problem for anyone. Right? I'm sure that the majority of women that can empathize for this post are just wrong and the majority of men that can't have figured out some awesome lifehack that can be summed up with "your problem isn't a problem."

I feel for the original poster and I hope that the next walk down Pike is a happier experience. I love this city.
11
Suppose she gets her wish. Before long she will complain that no one notices her anymore.
13
Thats what I like about America. Creeps get to say "Nice tits" to women on the streets, women get to fake outrage and say "I'm offended" and I get to say "I dont give a shit if you are offended". Small price to pay to live in a free country.
14
Plz Steven share this rare Pepe with us!
16
Too much mainsplaining here. If you are a male, you don't get to tell a female how she 'should' feel when a creepy, nasty stranger invades her life using sexually aggressive behavior. If you were the least bit decent you might take a second to think how you, as a male, diminish a woman's experience, or perpetuate this kind of bullshit behavior and how you can stop yourself and other men from doing it. Jesus, guys, try a little introspection and respect. It won't kill you.
17
@16 Wrong, this is America so anyone can tell anyone anything at anytime. Go to Mexico and try to explain to someone how your feelings got hurt by what someone said. They will probably tell you they live in a hut with a dirt floor or they found a family member in a duffle bag. Those are real problems.
18
Woman here. I'm in the middle, I guess. Yes, that was a creeptastic thing for that dude to say. Yes, he should have minded his own business and not bothered you with his opinion. Yes, that was gross. But, no one can make you feel anything. You alone are in charge of that. You probably did look good. Why the fuck are you going to let someone ruin that for you? With no apologies to Taylor Swift, sometimes you just have to shake it off.
19
Agree about the mansplaining for sure. This kind of unwanted attention (and yes, durh, it's nearly always unwanted) is cumulative, and it makes you wonder what's wrong with you and with the world that you can't just walk around looking good and minding your own business. Creepy creeper. Just like you can't unread the journal, you can't unhear the leering slathering stupid. Which is obviously his point: See me, notice me, remember me, you owe me. Blech.
21
Get over your whiny, trigger warning self FFS. I'm guessing she'd also be the first to blow a gasket at any efforts to clean some of the human trash out of downtown. It's only right you experience their charm up close if you're a liberal voter.
22
Sausage arms are the worst.
23
Why was this woman walking Pike street with her breasts uncovered?
25
I hate to have to say this, but living in the city, you just have to learn to ignore street trash. You aren't going to change their behavior by complaining about it to those who are already in alignment with your general belief that harassment is uncalled for.
26
@18 - agree completely, and a fundamental point that seems to go missed around here. Your feelings are your own. Catering social rules to the lowest emotional common denominator turns everything into a battle of feelings. (Who's to say the man in the OP wasn't hurt by her interpreting him as a creep? Why do we care about her feelings more than his?)
27
I think I would notice the OP dressed like she was, myself, but not in a leering way; more of a "What are you doing?" sort of way. If you're going to "flaunt it", expect some attitude coming back the other way. The guy was creepy, but what can one expect?
28
Yeah, they guy's a dick for saying that. But letting it ruin your day? That's on you.
30
A few months back at work a woman, in a group of mostly female co-workers referred to my "hairy little chicken legs." I had come in from biking to work in shorts. She had a little titter with her friends over it and then apologized-not-apologized for it after.

This was rude but not sexist. She was not in a position of power over me, because she's in a completely different group at the company. My legs are in fact skinny and they do have hair on them. She's a caddy, superficial twit. End of story. This did not ruin my day. It made an impression (mostly of her) that I remember now and probably will for a while. But it didn't ruin my day.

Reverse roles and insert an equivalent comment from a man, stated to a woman. It would be considered sexist, full stop. Same working relationship, same in-work dynamic, same organization, with the genders reversed.

If you bring the full scope of the societal biases into that one, <10 second interaction, maybe that's a legit double standard. But the full scope of the societal biases don't even remotely bear on whether not one person thinks it's OK to register a throw-away comment on another person's looks - good, bad, creepy, caddy, or otherwise. That's just a shitty person saying something shitty because they have so much shittiness in their shitty life they can't keep it to themselves.

Dude was shitty. Probably can't get women to notice him. That's his shit. But when a shitty person says something shitty to a woman, we have ready access to an explanation - a WHOLE NARRATIVE - that says that the dude in this case was a symptom of a culture that allows chauvinism to continue to exist. We don't have that narrative when a woman says something to a man. Because ON AVERAGE across society, there is no presumptive power difference of women OVER men.

This is called "fitting the model" in statistics. My grandpa called it "when you're holding a hammer, all of your problems look like nails."
31
Did this even happen? Most likely not. Why not? It's The Stranger. The Bastion of Unreliable Resource journalism. Slanted journalistic ethics and editing at it's finest. Obtusely angled to say the least.

If someone saying Nice Arms makes you feel like shit. You can't feel something that wasn't already inside of you. Like Shit. I'd say the OP is 23 Curics.
32
WOAH, the stink of trolls is thick in this cave.

Dudes, it is called impulse control, aka Mind. Your. Fucking. Manners.

Women are not there for your entertainment, they do not need comments from the peanut gallery on their arms or tits or lack of smile.

The only reason why men feel entitled to give female strangers "COMPLIMENTS" is to get attention, which is way more pathetic than it is creepy.
33
@29

Empathy does not equal fear, little man.
34
@33 is an achondroplasiaphobe!
35
That's shitty that someone made a creepy comment, and you have every right to object to sexual harassment. But at the same time, if one comment ruined your whole day...i don't want to be insensitive and say 'toughen up', but I would encourage you to look into how you can change your perspective and attitudes so that things like this don't ruin your day. Learning to let the behavior of others not bring you down is just a critical life skill, and a learnable one at that.

I wish it were possible to have things like this not happen to you in the first place, but its just not realistic at this point in time with the current makeup of the American populace (and perhaps humanity as a whole) to think that all other people will behave decently towards them. Not unless a (humane) Eugenics/Progenics program is put into place.
36
All the attacks on this woman for saying she looked good are beyond asinine. Not surprisingly they come from guys. News flash guys: I think I'm looking pretty good today, and if someone walking by stairs at my dick bulge and slowly says "nice ... legs", I'm going to feel pretty icky. Women shouldn't have to choose between having a positive self image and not getting harassed. Stop being assholes.
37
Paraphrasing John Oliver:

"If you believe that sexual harassment isn't a problem, then congratulations on your penis.".
38
I don't think the guys here get the difference in power dynamics that makes these kind of things so creepy. I suppose it's a lack of empathy, in that they just don't get that it's making the recipient of such comments uncomfortable. If that same guy was in a prison shower and some much bigger guys started commenting like that to him I think then he'd get it. Then we'd all get to chime in and ask why he wasn't flattered with such a "compliment"?
40
This is a weird coincidence. i wonder if I know the kid that said this.

There's a street kid who's one of the regular around Cal Anderson. He's about 20 I think. He's a good kid, really. In bad circumstances and with some emotional issues. But I've gotten to know him. He's smart and he's very sensitive. And actually attempting to get his life together after years of gang involvement.

Yesterday he got screamed at by some guy. I was too far away to hear it all. But I hurried up to get over there to make sure nothing bad happened - when I caught up to him the yelling guy split. This kid was really upset. I asked what was up.

He told me that this guy came up to him and got in his face for saying something to girl that had walked by. i was like "uh oh." But the kid didn't know he'd done anything wrong. I asked him what he said. He said with this pretty girl walked by he said "Looking good!" in his usual amicable way. She kind of looked a little upset but kept walking. And some guy heard that and came running up yelling at him for street harassment. Called him all sorts of names, which was risky because the kid is like 6' 6" and is pretty tough and can scrap.

But, like i said he is very sensitive.Part of it is cultural. In black neighborhoods where he's from saying things to women on the street is normalized, like it or not. He swore he meant nothing by it.

So I told him i was sorry he got yelled at but that it wasn't about him.

It was about the thousand other dudes that have said shit to that woman. Creepy terrible shit. And that every day for her is like walking through a wall of that shit.

Maybe the way he said what he said might've been fine ten years ago for her. Maybe she would've smiled. Maybe.

But after a couple decades of walking through a wall of shit she just can't know who is dangerous and who is not. And it would wear you down.

He understood that and agreed.
41
"Not all Men".
42
look at all of you telling her how to feel and to get over it.

sure, emotions pass, and they're just emotions. but she's not fucking Buddha. if it ruined her day, it ruined her day.

I've had lunchtimes ruined by chuggers telling me I had a cool beard. I can't imagine how self conscious comments on tits would make me.
44
I'm so sorry that happened. It happens all the time and yes, those kind of comments totally ruin your day. It makes you feel unsafe walking in your own neighborhood. You never know when comments like that are going to be accompanied with a side of following or badgering or outright screaming. So, I hear you. I'm sorry that jerk ruined your day. You are totally justified in feeling down after that happened.
45
@42- shave the beard- Grizzly Adams wouldn't cry in his soy burger.
46
Meh. next thing you know, when a pebble is flung by the wheel a passing car, someone will be writing in to I, ANON to claim assault.

Should we start the kickstarter now for the decades of therapy she'll need for this trauma?

Seriously, this is squarely in the RUB SOME MOTHER FUCKING DIRT ON THAT SHIT AND WALK IT OFF. You ain't paris hilton with a stubbed toe.
47
@29 you seem to be under the impression that some people don't live that way
48
A lot of these comments must be from men. I'm sorry that this slimebag harassed you. It's not something to "get used to." It is uncalled for and unwanted. I have gotten pretty good at slinging out insults right back at them to mind their own business or learn some manners.
50
Maybe us ladies should just start replying to street harassment with "Yeah, too bad I'd never fuck your fuggly ass! Hey, I'm just being honest" and then watch men cry about how women shatter their egos for years to come. Just think, we could flock to social media and say some seriously heinous shit and tell them their experiences and emotions aren't valid because of "Freedom". Come on ladies, it'll be fun!!!!
51
Where the fuck is all this "no one can make you feel anything" bullshit coming from? If I punch you in the stomach, you're going to feel pain. If I belittle you in public, you're going to feel small. If I threaten you, you're going to feel fear.

You're human beings, not fucking robots. Shut the fuck up.
52
As a man living at 1st and Pine, I see this all the time. I consider myself pretty emotionally intelligent and fairly able to shake things off, but when I witness these interactions, it does fuck up my head for a couple of hours.
53
@47- yes, some people do. A gay man living under Sharia law certainly does. A young woman living with the threat of genital mutilation in Somalia- yup, constant fear. That walk down Pine must have been absolutely terrifying
54
I'm trying to think of something worth less than @1's empathy and coming up empty.
55
I've gotta assume you're new to the area, otherwise, you'd never waste your time on this. I work next door to the courthouse where "nice...arms" is a good day. Learn to ignore it, stick some headphones in, or find a job in Bellevue.
56
OK, I think that I am witnessing the slow and painful death of manners and empathy. The point of the post is to call attention to the ugly phenomenon that is street harassment. All of you who are calling on the writer to just "get over it" are missing the point, and are to some degree, tacitly condoning these kind of drive by verbal turd pellets. I also agree that the majority of you are probably men, who have never had to deal with the fucked up power dynamic that is reinforced by this kind of insensitive and invasive behavior. Yes there are people in other parts of the World that have endured far worse. If this is the best argument that you can come up with, then your intellectual laziness is pretty evident.
57
I may be a Y chromosome having person, but having been actually physically assaulted by a stranger before, I think I understand this very well indeed. Let me assure you it is far more day ruining to have your nose broken, then for some creep to tell you that you have, "nice... arms." Of course the guy was a creep for saying it. However I have to side with the other "get over it" people. There was no indication that the commenter stalked her or bothered her afterwards; saying it ruined her whole day, seriously!?!? No, getting punched in the face and choked by a stranger, that ruins your day; two words from a stranger ruins your day, get a thicker skin.
58
@56- I'll save the mental gymnastics for causes and people I care about. Frankly I find the wailings and lamentations amusing.
59
"Thanks, my arms are indeed awesome."

But no, outrage culture whining is so much more fulfilling to some people. Wonder why? Self esteem issue or something?
60
condolences to all people coming to this comment thread to have any sort of faith in human decency restored.
61
All you harassment enablers are really missing the point. I mean, did any of you GO to junior high school? You know what's going on here. It's bullying.

He said it in order to creep her out. He said it in order to ruin her day. His purpose was to express social dominance, to make her feel small, insecure, self-conscious. I mean, back in junior high, your mom probably told you to just ignore the mean kids, that it was your choice to let them make you feel bad, but did it work? Of course not.

Is getting bullied physically WORSE than getting bullied verbally? Sure. But it's still bullying. It doesn't make verbal taunts okay just because they didn't shove you in a locker.
62
@41.....You're not allowed to say that in the Stranger.
63
#62, I think they'll give me a pass since it is in direct reference to #40.
64
@63.....Well, maybe just this once.
66
I think it is very nice that the individual was out to enjoy a book and a coffee. Sounds like a wonderful morning...in spite of it all. Feel better and be well. :)
67
This comment section is a simple numbered, itemized example of male entitlement cliches... :D
68
Much ado about nothing....if vague comments by strangers ruin your day, you are of very weak mind and the owner of many issues that conspire against you daily....
69
@67.....Exactly what male entitlement are you speaking of?
70
@69 Well we get to be alone with other guys and not have to overly worry about getting sexually assaulted. That's a pretty nice perk.
71
True, but men are also victims of violence and nobody really seems to care. Men are also victims of sexual violence but most people shrug and take the attitude of "better him than me".

72
@67- so be it. The rest are examples of people whose emotional development stopped at age 7.
73
I don't understand why our feelings about shit like this aren't valid.
74
They are valid, didn't the Stranger present a story about it?
75
Look at all the lost children, adrift. They have no shared moral sense, just all-covering soft blankets that they cling to. The Free Speech blanket. The Don't Harass blanket.
Now what?
76
@72 It's about frequency. I'm a male, I've been sexually assaulted. I hear you. But your argument amounts to the same thing as white people who point out that occasionally white people are the victims of racism before going on to dismiss the experience of black Americans who have to deal with it constantly. What men have to deal with in terms of sexual violence and sexual objectification is nothing compared to what women go through. It's a privilege. We get to get promoted without jokes about whose clit we licked to get it, Our clothing isn't called into question when we are assaulted. We can have sex without being called sluts and shamed for it. And when we ignore that privilege and question the experience and feelings of women who have to deal with these kind of things constantly, we do everyone a disservice., Except of course for the kind of people that make women feel unsafe. We do them a great service.
77
oops - above was for @71.

Also, just because people are indifferent to issues that face men doesn't mean we should therefore be indifferent to issues that face women. Yes, men get told to just "suck it up" when shitty things happen to them, It's fucked up. Let's address that problem rather than deciding to just make it everyone's problem.
78
@56 The only argument that matters is the 1st amendment. Everyone has the right to say stupid, creepy or racist shit. If you dont like it you have the right to tell them to fuck off but they still get to say it.
79
@78 Since no one is calling for the "making of any law ... abridging the freedom of speech" the first amendment actually has nothing at all to do with any of this. The LW is using her first amendment rights to complain about something that happened to her and The Stranger is using theirs to publish it. You seem to be using yours to demonstrate your lack of understanding of the first amendment.
80
@76....I was talking about overall violence not just sexual assault or accusations of occasional racism toward whites. It is the reaction and social attitudes. Women are treated as sex objects and this is bad. Men are disposable..oh well. Women receive far more sexual abuse, men are more frequently murdered. When a man is sexually abused it isn't mentioned, for example, the United Nations does not even acknowledge that an adult male can be raped, only women or children.
In the year 2000 a group of teenage thugs tried to kill me in Tacoma. I was the 9th victim of this group who had been assaulting men over a 7 week period. Two nights later this group finally succeeded in killing someone, a 24 year old man named Erik Toews. After the attack on Mr. Toews the local media outlets, even the Seattle papers decided it was time to say something. One would think that given frequency of the attacks and the number of victims involved that something, a warning at least, would have been said by the local media, but no...nothing was said. The common denominator of the victims was that they were all white and all male. Thats the beauty of freedom of the press, you print what you want indent print what you don't want.
Like I said, it's better him than me.
81
@79 Having people say shit you dont like is the price you pay to have a 1st amendmend so it has everything to do with this. Dont want people to say stupid shit move somewhere else or work to repeal it. You seem to be using yours to demonstrate your lack of reading comprehension and your passive agressive nature.
83
In other words, MrB, you mean to say "not all men". Unfortunately that line of thinking doesn't count for much at the Stranger.
85
@78. Of course you can say anything you want. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.
86
@82 - "Excuse me, miss. I just wanted to say that you look very nice today. I hope you have a great day."

Then back up and let her digest this in peace. Keep in mind that she may be startled by someone actually being gracious, and may not have the time or the ability to even mutter a quick 'thank you'. Give your compliment freely and without any expectations, and you'll find that your day may be lightened by the thought that hers most likely was.

Of course, there may be a scowl or a quick 'fuck off', but sometimes that's just someone's immediate defensive reaction. Try not to take it to heart.
87
I was assaulted by some construction workers who started with the comments about my body, about how I should smile for them, etc. etc. etc. Comments escalated to ASSAULT. It is no surprise that comments about my body, hair, smile (or lack thereof) cause me to question, very quickly, whether that speaker is about to attack me. Here's the thing, you mansplainers: we can't tell whether you intend to pay a compliment, or whether you intend to rape.
88
Oh ffs. I'm so happy I left Seattle. Y'all are a bunch of feminist pussies who are afraid of everything. If someone commented on how I looked, whether they meant it to be CREEPY or not, I looked them straight in the eye and said 'thank you'. It threw off the creeps and those who were being sincere weren't verbally attacked. Plus I always carried a 9mm with me so I never felt unsafe. I live in Texas now and itsthelaw of the land...the REAL Texas, not Austin, Seattle in cowboy boots.
89
My response had l been in this situation? Glance at his crotch, laugh, and say, "Nice...gherkin." Offending him in return in that area, even if he reacted badly, would have still resulted in a busy street full of men and women coming to your aid to make sure you were safe. ln that case, l would have been fine with telling him the fuck off.

l'm a female. l get comments like this making you feel like shit...in the moment. But l've been assaulted, beaten up, and probably would have been a statistic had l not fought back and somehow won. Now, l choose the things l am truly threatened by. Sticks and stones, honey. Don't let someone make you feel like shit because you look good. You look GOOD! This is a healthy attitude. But often, your interpretation is your own. lf your physical self is threatened, THEN be afraid and worry for yourself. But we're women - we deal with assholes like this daily. l'm not saying it's right, nor am l saying that you shouldn't feel belittled and objectified. But FUCK that dude. Tell him to kiss your ass, and go about with your bad self. Don't let anyone ruin your day by making you feel less wonderful than you are.

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