and fwiw Philo... i like you and have no problem with you. I would never enjoy it if someone calls you a piece of shit. I suppose my devil's advocacy streak is too strong at times. I apologize if i pissed you off. Was never trying to pick a fight. I'll admit... i have a bit too much empathy at times... in that i can feel just as much empathy for a raging asshole as i can for a victim of that same asshole.

Chairman - i took that as you saying you DO take things personally.
I view personal attacks to be attacks on my person. I try to always acknowledge that they come from someone who wishes me harm. Yeah, I'm not going to feel so bad about an nonsensical attack behind walls of anonymity. Or a little shove, or some catcalling from construction workers. These things are very unlikely to result in any further harm to me. However I feel the need to address the whole spectrum of such force/uncivil behavior as wrong in some, ideally cleverly polite way, especially when directed toward myself and loved ones, whereas you don't seem to feel this need.. I never did find out how you deal with people who cross your boundaries.. I might be a bookworm, but I didn't hide in the library from bullies, I swung back if the adults were ineffective.

And I know this is unasked for advice.. but I think you really should stop your partner from calling you a piece of shit.. or simply leave people like that if you can't defend healthy boundaries.. I like many of your ideas. So I don't like to think of you in such a disrespectful relationship.

And I'm sorry about namecalling you. Since you were wondering.. It was half frustration that we think so differently that communication seems near impossible, and half irresistible irony.

ChairmanOfTheBored @382: I prefer to see people USE the approach they demand from mr E... rather than yell back and ignore the hypocrisy. True.. many on SL do NOT yell back..instead they shrug and attempt reasonable responses. But some of you do yell back...and use the mob mentality as a verification of your righteousness....where you could easily find yourself on the receiving end of a gang-up if this board were for a different forum. I don't think the audience should dictate your level of self-restraint.

censorship sucks. Those of you who reported Eud and got some of his posts deleted should learn a little self control.

ChairmanOfTheBored @413: If its not a problem for me...then its not a problem for ME. I don't ask others to feel the same way. And i don't ask others not to tear E (or anyone else who does similar) a new asshole if he is out of line. I just object to the deletions.

*** *** ***

It seems to me that in @382 you asked people not to tear anyone a new asshole. It also seems to me that you think that everyone should agree with you that it's more harmful for comments that violate the terms of the forum to be deleted than to remain up.

philo - "And I know this is unasked for advice.. but I think you really should stop your partner from calling you a piece of shit.. or simply leave people like that if you can't defend healthy boundaries.. I like many of your ideas. So I don't like to think of you in such a disrespectful relationship."

lol. I have very healthy boundaries in real life. They are not the same boundaries as on a web forum.

Alison.. 421 - yeah... i see your point. I guess i stepped on my own ideas. Hadn't really sussed it out completely beforehand. My comment about self-control was meant to only be about reporting another commenter. The mob mentality comment was also about reporting another commenter... etc.

When you express yourself... is it implied in your posts that you think everyone should agree with you? Why are you assigning that implication to me? I don't "think you should agree with me". In fact, i'd be surprised if you did.

Posts that violate the terms of the board stay up all the time. There is an "off topic" report button... since you have decided a self-moderated board is absurd... perhaps you should start making use of the off topic button. I'm violating the terms of the board right this moment... as this post has nothing to with the letters.

ChairmanOfTheBored @422,

When I tell people that they are wrong and suck and that they should do like me, yes, I think it’s implied that I think they should agree with me. I try not to do that unless I’ve thought things through very carefully.

Self-moderated board: no, I haven’t decided it’s absurd, I just haven’t encountered the concept before. What I thought was absurd was participating in a moderated forum and then berating other participants for contacting the moderators.

Ok, so moderation is good, but only when performed by forum-members themselves and when it does not involve tearing new assholes or deleting comments.

What does “moderation” consist of in this instance? What does it accomplish? How is it different from an unmoderated forum?

actually.... i said i was in support of tearing new assholes... just not rallying other commenters so everyone is reporting the same person... i.e. a mob... aimed at silencing one voice. I am not in support of that EVEN if it falls under a board's "policies".

i dont think we are understanding each other..because each time i post...your repsonse is slightly askew to what i anticipate..... c'est la vie. Until next time... ;)

This has been going on for many months Chairman.
Did the mob rule? I don't know. I didn't report as Es comments were down. I was going to.
Mob rule is ugly, I agree. I don't feel this was mob rule though. Individuals spoke their mind.
His was sustained verbal abusive attacks against people, mostly women. Enough of it Chairman. Enough.

if i could just go delete all my posts from this thread.. i would. I am regretting sticking my nose where it didn't belong. I didnt read the whole column before spouting off about censorship. I usually use restraint when i am not really participating. In a vacuum... i believe what i wrote. IRL... i suppose not entirely. And i don't really need anyone thinking i am on the side of the asshole. This isn't a free speech venue afterall. So treating it as such (something i was doing)... is rather pointless.

Chairman - And i don't really need anyone thinking i am on the side of the asshole.
Thank you.
I've been trying to think of a way to say this so that it doesn't sound like an attack. Because I think we have similar ethics (harm to all people is bad) and you seem reasonably self aware thus I would judge you a good person if I had to. That being said, I hope you consider paying a little more attention to gender in the future. I'd like to point out,
1) You probably have more in common with other men and a tendency to empathize more with your own gender (like most people).
2) Gender politics is influenced by male vs female fights.
3) A habit of joining in on the male side of male vs female fights can appear as if your interest were in keeping gendered violence norms intact.
Since you seemed surprised in some way that most women posters here have been raped, perhaps you care to make sure you aren't contributing to the norm. Specifically, when you're giving feedback on male vs female fights, please make it more immediately clear that you consider male violence toward women to be unacceptable. You can transition either to how the man was not truly violent but there was some simple miscommunication, or that the return attack was more severe than the original, if you are going to jump in on the man's side.

Oh there's a third option if a woman started it.. that it was appropriate self defense

@386 gonzo (re: @278 sb53's comment): OMG--a Christmas tree ornament was what I had thought Eudamonic's avatar was, too! Thank you both for further enlightenment. I swear, I am learning something new from Savage Love every week.

I love that when I treat BDF the way she treated me, I'm the one who gets targeted by the mob. Whereas when The Ghost of Mr. J did the same to me, some of the commenters explicitly offered to have sex with him as payment.

For the sarcasm-impaired: I don't actually love this. When people complain about a bullshit double standard, the way you deal with the problem is to stop applying a double standard, rather than to apply it more forcefully.

@429: I picked an avatar that I figured no one else would use, and which wouldn't easily be mistaken for anyone else's. Alison, I imagine, knows why.

These "open relationships" or "cokholding" or whatever always seem so uncomplicated, but they rarely turn out that way. I'm an older gay male with... well... a special endowment. I can't enter a relationship at present due to family responsibilities, but do prefer ongoing situations. I have gotten involved with four or five couples over the years, and it has consistently turned weird. The ones where one partner wants the other to have sex while he watches leads to jealousy because "watcher" discovers his man really likes the new dick. The three ways result in one -- or the other -- or both! -- looking for some 1:1 on the side. It's a mess, and I've sworn them off. After having my life threatened the second time.