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Just make an equally big fuss about bringing in a woman with a nice, tight little pussy.
Kink should encourage that brother to spend a week with grandma.
It’s up to her to provide reassurance that she loves your cock, and it’s up to you to believe that she likes a variety of cock sizes (maybe yours is great for anal, or for deep-throating, or for hitting her g-spot during sex). If you can’t believe it, then break up with her.
But if you can accept that she likes a variety of cock sizes, then talk to her about possible ways she can satisfy that craving. If you don’t like MFM evenings, then you could let her go off on her own occasionally. Or buy a huge dildo and strap it on. Or, as Dan often says, let her experience that filled-up feeling from your forearm: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
@3 CMDwannabe: You beat me to it regarding KINK's little brother.
KINK: Congrats for having (for the most part) such an open-minded family.
DonnyKlicious @6, yes, if she gets to fuck larger cocks to satisfy her cravings, then ANGST should put some thought into whether he also has unsatisfied cravings and they can brainstorm about how to satisfy those as well.
The idea that cheaters, criminals, etc suffer from irredeemable character flaws is one of the uglier cornerstones of conservative thinking, which tends to be self-servingly dismissive of environmental or situational influences on human behavior.
With respect to cheating, it's also bullshit. According to this study, the recidivism rate for cheating is 45%. Most people who have cheated in the past (55%) don't cheat again.
...if you can ignore the hairballs.
Which now that II think of it has something vaguely to do with this string...hair...balls...
...well, I did say vaguely.
...if you can ignore the hairballs.
Which now that II think of it has something vaguely to do with this string...hair...balls...
...well, I did say vaguely.
!@#$ing YEEAAAAHH! I know I'm dating myself here....
Thank you for the warm words, you've set me all aglow.
A 45% chance on something means you should get comfortable with the idea of it happening, or get out of the situation. A car that only has a 45% chance of exploding isn't a car you want to drive, if you're not James Bond.
2. I agree with seandr. Turn about is fair play. I can't imagine how much it would hurt if my husband told me I was too loose. You just don't say stuff like that. I can't believe dan didn't smack down the girlfriend for sick cruelty, considering lw already refers to himself as nerdy. Get some self esteem man. The only person you want to be ggg with and do three-somes with is someone who makes you feel good. Ug reverse the genders and see how it looks. It's horrible. He needs to get away from her.
3. My ex made sure to out our lifestyle in our divorce to my family. My mom said it was disgusting. Poor thing it got all around her work. But I also learned I was not alone in my kinks and it relieved me of the embarrassment. I could be honest with everyone I dated. So while it sucked at the time, on the long term it was great. Man, your brother is a piece of work. Blah.
Dan didn't point out a glaring factor. Context! The past relationship was with an abusive alcoholic. Having been in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic, it's not pretty. It's crazy-making and can drive a person to do things a person in a healthy relationship wouldn't do. I can bet he was looking for some sort of fun or release or even validation that he's desirable through this past cheating. My suggestion - KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP HEALTHY! If you do your part, then he should do his. If he isn't, then adjust your boundaries & conversation or DTMF.
 This is assuming that ANGST's girlfriend is like EricaP and me and does in fact like ANGST's medium-sized cock just fine. If she doesn't, she needs to admit that and move on.
I don't intend for this to be a get out of jail free card for your partner but I have read a lot about how stress affects cognitive function. Long story short, people who are miserable and under stress will make bad decisions that provide short term benefit at long term expense. Here is an article that focuses on people in poverty and how the misery leads them to feel things are hopeless and consequently make bad decisions, believing "I am going to be miserable no matter what, so why not splurge now to have a moment of not feeling miserable even though this will likely make me more miserable later on."
As it applies to your partner, you describe a hellish relationship he had with an alcoholic, unstable partner that he stayed in for five years. That is a long time to feel miserable, trapped in a relationship that brings you nothing but grief and foregoing a happy, HEALTHY relationships you see everyone on Facebook posting about. Along comes an opportunity to at least have a different sexual partner, giving him the ability to forget about his misery and feel sexually desirable. Sure it's his partners sister, but what does it matter if his partner finds out and gets angry over that? She will still be an unstable alcoholic, so might as well have a brief respite.
So while size and shape matter up to a point, it's not absolute. This chick seems to want a bigger dick. There are chicks out there who think his dick is too big. He needs to find one who enjoys the one he's got.
Or stay with this one and take charge of the situation. Fist her, spank her, call her names and then cuddle her. Tie her up, blindfold her, bring in a big-dicked stranger to fuck her while she blows him, call her names (and then cuddle her).
But nobody needs to feel inadequate.
The misconduct wasn't only in the context of a bad past relationship; that bit of sketchiness happened in the present, and in his current relationship.
ANGST: Maybe start doing that? Complain constantly about her looking like an old woman, and insist that she find you a hot 20something to bang.
Disclaimer: This is my entry for the next Bad Advice Day.
Just like a dom telling a sub partner that the dom would like to try subbing to someone else. That can be hard to hear, but it's not an insult. It's a fetish/kink.
This happened to me when I was enagaged to my Miss N. I went to her G-parents house 2 states away. They had me sleeping in one basement bedroom and my fiancé sleeping on the 3rd floor. The other bedroom in the basement was held by her younger sister. My 1 AM trip to the bathjroom found me opening the door to sister in negligee complaining "I'm freezing" Ever the gentleman I offer a warm hug which becomes some heavy necking. Somehow my brain begins to work, and I gently extricate myself saving both of our honors. Never ever told this to anyone and it feels weird to tell it now 40 years late.
...is that actually better? I don't really think phrasing "You are inadequate" in kinkster jargon really makes it any better. Would you give her the same advice, if he was making these demands of her?
...and yes, this is terrible advice. Never stay in a relationship with someone who treats you badly just for the opportunity to punish them by treating them equally badly. Don't stay in those relationships at all. There's a reason I described it as "bad advice."
It's not that a lady can't want big dicks. It's that this particular lady seems not to have relayed the information in a way that was not hurtful and anxiety-promoting to her partner. Which seems like a red flag for her being either super inexperienced or a jerk to me. Who does not know that men obsess about their dick size?
I like plump women with large tits. Dating skinny women would be both a waste of my time and, if I told them what I was really into, cruel for them.
Your partner wasn't the only person to have some kind of relationship with his ex- there's also her family and friends. And given she was being abusive and shitty to him, it's no stretch to imagine she was being abusive and shitty to her family too- including her sister. Perhaps it's only close family members and your partner who knew what this ex was actually like behind closed doors and, perhaps your partner felt the only person who'd understand what he was going through was the sister (and vice versa). So I'd say it's quite possible that the hook-up was the result of two people in the same awful situation having a moment of empathy and sympathy go too far.
This is merely a hypothesis, of course, but hopefully something that mitigates the "with whom" aspect of the cheating, if not the act itself.
How can one not hear and know these things going forward? It's done.
Any man saying any word about my vagina size, I'd be out the door pronto.
I wonder if she is using this to control him. He's panicing she may go find this big dick man, when he could be indignant. Should be indignant.
So. If she's got him panicing, then he won't be looking for extra fun.
Others, learn from their mistakes.
The sister thing we went thru on the other thread. One of Australia's well known international actors, shacked up with two sisters for fifteen years.
A pretty clear "He's like you, and therefore sexually useless to me."
Picture this. She was trying to avoid saying: "I would like to experience huge cock." So she didn't make it clear enough before they played with the couple. But she realized, during that event, that she's not really interested in sex with other men. She's specifically interested in sex with a huge cock. That doesn't mean she wants all her sex to be with a huge cock.
She probably prefers ANGST's cock for 90% of sex acts, but just wants the occasional escapade with a huge cock. In my experience, that's actually quite common among women. Though it's hard to talk about it without giving one's partner some issues, so women tend not to talk about it when men are present.
And, yes, Eudaemonic, I live this, from the other side. If you call me sexist here, I'll laugh. Mr. P. likes things in his other partners that I don't have, and isn't shy about letting me know.
Would I rather he kept those desires, for certain kinds of variety, to himself? No, I like that he trusts me enough to be honest. Does that mean that I needed to work on my insecurities and develop into a stronger person? Yes, I've had to do that work. It was worth it, in so many ways.
On the other hand, I can see where his partner is coming from. Why bother with an MMF threesome (or MFM, as one of last week's commenters correctly noted) if the other M can't offer something that M does have to offer, namely, a much larger cock? An additional medium cock doesn't give Ms ANGST anything she's not getting already, so to her, there's no point. But there really was no way for her to say this without it looking like a critique of ANGST's cock. Rock and an, erm, hard place there.
That might be the case, but it sounds like she didn't make that clear. That's something you really need to make clear.
As per the above, it sounds like your boyfriend is being pretty insensitive.
What you said about threesomes and what people have to offer seems really reductive. Everyone has different appearance, different sexual style, is a different person. That's a big part of the appeal of threesomes.
Delivery and intent are very important here. Yes, she wants to play with a bigger guy.. Occassionally. Her delivery says otherwise. She has brought the LW to his knees.
If she loved him and just wanted to play sometimes, then she tell her guy he is it for her, just sometimes a little variety would be fun. Leave dick size out of it. Just she chooses a man to join them she assumes may give her what she wants. He doesn't, then she try again next time.
The LW's gf didn't do this. She went arse over tit and has shattered this man. So that leaves us with her intent.
Can't see her intent has anything to do with leaving this guy feeling like a whole, strong, young man.
Damage is done. Kick this woman to the kerb, LW. Find yourself a woman who cherishes your phallus.
You may be right, but that's a situation where she really needed to be clear, or clarify later.
It sounds like your boyfriend is being kind of insensitive.
What you said re: different offerings in threesomes seems really reductive. Everyone looks different, has a different sexual style, and a different personality. That's the appeal of a threesome for a lot of people.
As for what you like in threesomes, that's great -- you do you. For me, what I like about threesomes is being ordered around. For ANGST's girlfriend, maybe she got stuck with a foursome, when what she wanted was a huge cock. He says she wants more threesomes, but I bet if he was able to let her have sex with another guy without him there, she'd be into that more than into threesomes.
Your mileage -- and mine -- may vary :)
The advice for angst to mention he wants a threesome...but only with a super tight pussy is comically enlightening... isn't it? ha
FWIW, I agree that he should let her have sex with other partners while he's not around. He should also have sex with other partners when she's not around. And they should eventually date some of those other partners, possibly exclusively.
On a similar note, I'm thinking it's probably best not to tell an overweight partner that you're interested in banging someone else "but no fatties," while making it clear that women of her weight are unacceptably fat. Or that women with pussies as tight as hers are just too loose to be worth fucking. Or... you get the idea.
ANGST: Definitely free to do any or all of these. You've earned it.
(Disclaimer: Don't actually do that.)
Perhaps to someone who is as vulnerable as you, maybe any request for variety does come off as excessive cruelty.
That returns me to where I was at the beginning: if he can't accept that she loves his cock and loves sex with him, then, yes, he should end it.
But I bet that if ANGST leaves her and she next dates someone with a huge cock, she'd be asking that huge-cock guy for permission to bang someone more average sized before long. Some people like variety. And some of us can deal with that in our partners.
I agree with Ms Fan about the complimentary aspect that can exist in such a situation. Ms Erica is quite persuasive, but I think a bit optimistic. We know that this is not a case of her explaining herself reasonably and his taking her explanation reasonably; it's easy to fall into the assumption that, knowing we don't have AB, we have A or B, but my first guess is O. I'd be open to revision if we learned more about the so-called fit she threw.
Cruelty is not a necessary part of that, unless it's what the participants are looking for.
And by "smaller" I bet you mean a B or C cup, right? Not AA...
Venn @65: "I'd be open to revision if we learned more about the so-called fit she threw." Well exactly -- many commenters have picked up on this as evidence of her horrible cruelty, and I know we have little choice but to read letters as written, but based on the epidemic of men falsely believing their medium-sized penises are inadequate, I think it's possible Ms ANGST tried to phrase "I was just hoping for a really big dick for a change" as gently as possible and he still took it personally. One thing is for sure: Whether justified or not, Ms ANGST is going to have an uphill struggle convincing ANGST she likes his cock just fine... I see quite a few exaggerated orgasms in their future...
CMD @66: An interesting question. Generally, if one is trying to look feminine, of course one would want breasts that are proportionate -- and given that XY-chromosomed people generally have broader shoulders, that may mean larger busts than a comparable cis female would have. A bust measurement that matches one's hip measurement is reasonable for cis women, but XY folks' hips are proportionately narrower, so that may not be the best guideline. On the other hand, if you go too large, you run the risk of looking cartoonish. Go for a handful?
Yes, the broader shoulders is often a factor, even to smaller frame people like myself.
Fear of looking grotesque is an on going concern especially when coming out in an older age, feeling like an experimenting teenage girl when you’re a man in your 40’s…
As such I have different breast forms sizes for different looks.
Still wonder how that size, or even breast forms to begin with, may influence mates or trigger insecurities.
I also wonder what's the story, if any, behind your avatar.
Allison, I loved what you had to say. As I always do. :-)
The museum of sex "mosex" in NYC is a waste of time and money and felt like a tourist trap for visiting Eastern European groups. And it all geared to the straight male limited to men with women and women with women.
Apparently the books in the gift shop proved much more enlightening and you could also flip through the designated copies. One was a picture only that featured naked men with erected penises. They all looked very impressive to me.
As I moved to another book a black man, supposedly gay, looked through it. Two black women got closer, took an over the shoulder, and asked what he thinks. “Oh, very impressive. Here you can judge for yourselves,” and they all giggled with agreement.
All pictures were part of a gay culture back in the 1960’s and featured only white men.
I think it’s the same book that was reviewed by a Stranger’s female writer few years ago. Her conclusion was something like, “This book belongs on any coffee table in America.”
Either a man satisfies a woman or he doesn't. No point in hanging about if there is a problem here, not like time is going to change anything. It's not a personality flaw to be worked on.
I think what she’s trying to tell us is that the woman never meant no harm, though it may be interpreted this way.
She actually wants to stay with him and assure him he’s ok, hence the future fake orgasms.
The whole situation doesn’t mean that someone must lose in order for the other to gain. It can be a mutual win though it takes time and careful navigation.
This is also my interpretation of what EP is saying, I may be wrong.
Whether she meant no harm or not, she caused harm. Didn't she? Sounds like she caused harm to the LW.
Is this something he should just get over. Can he just get over it. I don't know, I'm not a man. I imagine as soon as cock size becomes an issue in a relationship, that it's a doomed relationship. The End.
Easy does it, guys with big dicks have feelings, too.
Just like the girl from the bus said: "information is not knowledge. Knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom is not love. Love is not beauty..."
I'm curious as to how much of a "fuss" his partner threw...perhaps it was more like she got excited about the idea and talked about it a bit too much. Maybe she felt that since they are so GGG that she could be honest with him about her feelings about the experience and her desires for the future.
Look, you're a grown-ass man. If you need your perfectly contented partner to hold your dick's hand forever and never question it as biggest-dick-ever, then SHE should be dumping YOU.
You like to think your vagina is so big anyrhing could get lost upthere? If a guy made you feel that way , you'd just laugh it off I suppose. Much stronger woman than me.
That’s what they say, that if you go and measure thousands of men with different genetic heritages that the mean dick size of black men is larger than the mean dick size of white men. But in a lifetime most people don’t have sex with thousands of men and in a small, naturalistic sample size these differences don’t show up in a meaningful way. (Translation: most white men I’ve had sex with had much bigger dicks than the black men I’ve had sex with.) (I have not yet had sex with any asian men.)
There is a well-known stereotype whether or not any particular individual fits it. Some guys who do fit it enjoy being a white couple's BBC (Big Black Cock) and advertise as such in Fetlife.
Twenty plus years hence, when he can no longer get it up without the help of a little blue pill, plenty of time then to feel inadequate.
Porn is not a random sample. Locker rooms are better.
As far as triggering insecurities... My lover who cross-dresses has reasonable sized breast forms for his rather petite frame. Is it strange being intimate with someone who wears a larger bra size than me. Well, this is pretty much exclusively my experience with every bra-wearer I've been with. And I would say no, because if I wanted to wear large breast forms, I could. If I wanted to have large fake boobs, I could. When the clothes come off, my male partner's chest is flatter than mine, so while I might think they look a bit silly, a genderqueer person wearing Jessica Rabbit-size breast forms wouldn't make me feel inadequate.
And my avatar is an image someone on FB said reminded them of me.
Hunter @71: Wow, that's a seriously racist thing to say. If she wants a black man, she should go for a black man. Unlike penis size, race is something you can tell about a person before they take their clothes off. (And while there may be correlation between penis size and race, it's not one-to-one; there are small-dicked black men just like there are small-dicked 6'3" men.)
CMD @73: Funnily, the Museum of Sex in Amsterdam, I'd give similar reviews. Just a collection of porn images and objects, several rooms of hetero and "lesbian" images and one Tom of Finland poster for the gay men. I guess they know their audience.
He showed some pretty bad judgement in his last relationship, getting pregnant with a poor partner, continuing the bad relationship for 5 years, having an affair with a poor partner... He's much older, has a history of bad relationships, and she has nothing good to say about him as a person. What is so wrong with her that she can't do better?
ANGST - You didn't mention if the female half of the couple was younger. If you got younger and she didn't get bigger, then I think it's fair to try again with an older hung couple.
KINK - Great story!
"I'm a 37-year-old straight male in a relationship with a slightly older woman. I have a GGG girlfriend, and I am completely GGG—until we talk about having a MMF threesome. We have great sex and have experimented together. We tried playing with a couple to give her the "two-dick experience" she wanted, but the other man was of "average" size and she was not into it. I'm of average stature, and she made such a fuss of having someone extra large join in that it threw my hang-up about my size into overdrive. It's paralyzed me sexually. I'm afraid she'll leave me or run off looking to fulfill her need on her own.
Average Nerdy Guy Shunning Threesomes"
First of all, as others have noted, the threesome they were looking for is a MFM one (yes, the placement of those initials makes a difference).
I don't think this is something that he is overreacting to. Making "such a fuss" about penis size (I assume in advance) and then being upset that the guest penis is "average" to the point of not being able to get into sex--well, that would likely stir up any penis-haver's insecurity.
You don't need a big cock to have a "two-dick experience." All you need is two dicks. If what she wanted was a big dick--bigger than her boyfriend's--she needed to specify in advance that that was her fantasy so they could screen for a better suited partner and achieve a more fulfilling experience. But she also needs to do that with great delicacy, because penis size is definitely a sensitive subject and something about which many men are insecure or vulnerable.
"You know I love the way you fuck, Sweetie, <>b>and you know how much I love your cock. But just for novelty's sake, I've wanted to bring a guy with a really big dick into our bed. I imagine going down on you while getting fucked by him, or being doubly penetrated, with you in my ass and him in my pussy, for that completely "filled up" feeling. I don't wish you were any different--in fact I love that we can have sex in so many positions and do so many acts because you're just the right size. But just like you may have always fantasized about being with a super tall woman or a platinum blonde or a woman with ginormous breasts, or _______, I want to try something different once in a while."
Then, you screen beforehand for penis size if that is the main feature you're looking for. And afterwards, you make sure to reassure your boyfriend that you still find him and his cock attractive.
It sounds like they didn't screen beforehand, and that she used no tact whatsoever. It also sounds like she behaved like a whiny, childish brat.
Everyone who is making comparisons to a man telling his overweight girlfriend that he couldn't get into sex with their third because she was overweight just like the girlfriend is dead-on.
What is it that Dan always says? Something like: Dump the woman with an honest big dicked MFM fetish and you'll discover the next has been doing it with stiffs on the sly. But if it's a fetish too far for you, or she's being hypocritical and there's no chance of a nice FMF for you, I do think it's wiser to walk away.
If what she wanted was a threesome and not a foursome and what was super important to her was the size of the guest star's cock, she needed to make that explicit beforehand. And they needed to make sure to choose someone who has the physical attributes that constitute her fantasy. This doesn't prevent her from being tactful and reassuring her partner that he satisfies her or that she is not disappointed in him or his physical attributes. If the boyfriend/lw found some reason to object to a MFM threesome, then they can deal with it from there. And I wouldn't say that a straight man who doesn't want to be part of an MFM threesome wherein the other guy's anatomy is the main point is necessarily not ggg. Being ggg doesn't mean you have to sign on for absolutely anything your partner wants.
Thank you. I'm pretty sure that nobody in that circumstance would be telling you you're just "too vulnerable" for thinking he was being an asshole.
Was his girlfriend inconsiderate?
A lot of people are using the fact that he feels sadz as evidence that she was inconsiderate about his size. But it's unclear from the letter whether she has been complimenting his dick and sucking and fucking it often to prove she's happy with it, or if she is neglecting compliments and regular sex. The fact that she wants a big dicked MFM and he does not is not inconsiderate. It's garden variety sexual incompatibility. Some people are happy with a dead rat and a string to swing it by, some people are miserable because the Mazerati they got for Christmas is the wrong color; his sadz doesn't mean that he was wronged. Her "fuss" might have been a clear statement of a burning desire, the epitome of good communication. Or whining and badgering and coercive nonsense. I judge that he isn't owning his "hang up about size", and trying to justify why an MFM would be wrong for him. He doesn't need any justification. If it feels wrong for him, it's wrong for him, he should just be honest about it so she can find what she needs elsewhere.
ANGST doesn't have a question. It sounds like he's seeking reassurance that the relationship can still be salvaged although he's unwilling to do an MFM. And no one has the answer to that but her. Dan can't tell people what they should really want or what they should sacrifice for romance. He's really great with thinking out-of-the-box for solutions to relationship problems. But it looks to me like they tried their best compromise and it didn't work. Letting her go off for MFM's alone, or suddenly being ok with MFMs (unrealistic), look like the only options for a happy relationship here.
It's about balancing Partner A's particular level of vulnerability/insecurities with Partner B's tact in expressing a taste for variety.
Suppose a man says he wants to try a threesome; his wife sets up a FMF, but he's not happy afterwards. He says he really wanted to try dick, but was too wary of mentioning it, and so left that out of his request. But he doesn't want more FMF, he really wants MMF.
If he's a jerk about it, then he'll leave her feeling as if he never liked sex with women and is all about sex with men. But if he has tact, it should be possible for him to express it so that she sees that he loves sex with her, and yet also wants to try sex with men.
Conversely, if she has enough vulnerabilities/insecurities, then she won't be able to hear him say he loves sex with her, no matter how much tact he uses. She'll just hear him saying he likes sex with men.
If people can't manage this discussion, then their relationship probably has to end. But I see no way to tell from the letter whether the problem comes primarily from her lack of tact which is the problem ("made such a fuss"), or his excess of vulnerabilities/insecurities ("my hang-up about my size").
Ms Fan - How would you compare the delicacy attendant upon the expression of desire for occasional variety with regard to part size to the delicacy attendant upon the expression of desire for occasional variety with regard to gendre?
Ms Cute - I am having the interesting experience (having acquired two audiobooks this week at a job lot store, the same one where I picked up ) of listening to a book and not being at all sure that I didn't read it some years ago.
Penis size? Sorry--nothing to add (or subtract). Will try again later. Gotta get back to computer work and housekeeping.