Columns Dec 2, 2015 at 4:00 am

The Sister Act


she made such a fuss of having someone extra large join in that it threw my hang-up about my size into overdrive

Just make an equally big fuss about bringing in a woman with a nice, tight little pussy.
While not involved personally, that sisterly act is something I've heard of and also witnessed. Wonder how common it is and if there's also a similar brotherly.

Kink should encourage that brother to spend a week with grandma.
ANGST, the psychological damage is done, right? You know she fantasizes about a cock larger than yours. If you can’t get past that, then your relationship is over

It’s up to her to provide reassurance that she loves your cock, and it’s up to you to believe that she likes a variety of cock sizes (maybe yours is great for anal, or for deep-throating, or for hitting her g-spot during sex). If you can’t believe it, then break up with her.

But if you can accept that she likes a variety of cock sizes, then talk to her about possible ways she can satisfy that craving. If you don’t like MFM evenings, then you could let her go off on her own occasionally. Or buy a huge dildo and strap it on. Or, as Dan often says, let her experience that filled-up feeling from your forearm:…
@2 seandr: That sounds fair.
@3 CMDwannabe: You beat me to it regarding KINK's little brother.
KINK: Congrats for having (for the most part) such an open-minded family.
Everybody has a different stem that winds their watch, ANGST, and there's not a whole lot you can do about your GF's desire for "the big one". If her pussy is whispering in her ear that's what she's gotta have, eventually that's what she's gonna get, one way or the other. It's a little shallow to let one physical attribute rule your partnership quest to the exclusion of all the other positive things someone may have to offer (sense of humor, warmth, ability to provide, etc, etc). But, no relationship is perfect, so it comes down to what you settle for, or how you make reasonable accommodations to get what you need. Sounds like a big, fat dildo might not be enough, so, since you've already shown a willingness to try swinging with another couple, bite the bullet and find a nice big cock (on a decent guy you trust) for her to play with (PLUS, hey! You get to fuck another woman with her blessing, and that's nothing to be sneezed at!) Also, confidence is a huge aphrodisiac for most people, so having the balls to let her fuck someone bigger than you is likely to make her want you even more. If you need help bolstering your fragile ego, try a Dale Carnegie course or a little one on one counseling. And remember, as Yoda once said, "A huge dick to get glowing reviews you need not", and if your GF leaves you despite your best efforts, you are way better off without her. Find a girl with a tiny little pussy and rock her world.
@6:I love your Bill the Cat avatar, Donny. Aak-oop.
It's considerate of Dan to tell STD that her boyfriend could have infected her without being unfaithful. But, he could have been unfaithful too and infected her that way. Sometimes a positive test result is a clue. (Or maybe she's terrified he'll leave because she's feeling guilty about cheating on him.)

DonnyKlicious @6, yes, if she gets to fuck larger cocks to satisfy her cravings, then ANGST should put some thought into whether he also has unsatisfied cravings and they can brainstorm about how to satisfy those as well.
@Hunter (and pretty much everyone else, it seems):
The idea that cheaters, criminals, etc suffer from irredeemable character flaws is one of the uglier cornerstones of conservative thinking, which tends to be self-servingly dismissive of environmental or situational influences on human behavior.

With respect to cheating, it's also bullshit. According to this study, the recidivism rate for cheating is 45%. Most people who have cheated in the past (55%) don't cheat again.
@9 seandr: My biggest ever problem concerning cheating had more to do with my insanely jealous, abusive ex wildly accusing me of being unfaithful for absurd reasons and my struggle with being on the defensive, forever having to prove my fidelity (even when talking to my brother long distance on the phone!). If my ex ever cheated on me during our marriage, I was too stressed out back then trying to get out and away from to know it. BUT---enough about him. Onward and upward sez Griz.
Seandr: do I tell you often enough that I love you?
@7 Thanks, Griz. Bill rocks...
...if you can ignore the hairballs.

Which now that II think of it has something vaguely to do with this

...well, I did say vaguely.
@7 Thanks, Griz. Bill rocks...
...if you can ignore the hairballs.

Which now that II think of it has something vaguely to do with this

...well, I did say vaguely.
@12 & @13 Donny: Deathtongue: Billy and the Boingers Bootleg World Tour '86!
!@#$ing YEEAAAAHH! I know I'm dating myself here....
Thank you for the warm words, you've set me all aglow.
ANGST, sounds like you need to get out of this relationship, this woman is being insensitive, and seems to have rendered you close to impotent.
Leave her.
@14Griz, You know that Bloom County is back, right? There are fresh strips every day if you are a Facebook friend, or on
@9: I'd quibble over whether a 55/45 divide is enough to say "most." That's basically a coin toss; if someone's cheated before, maybe they'll do it again, maybe they won't, but either way that seems like a far higher risk than someone who hasn't cheated.

A 45% chance on something means you should get comfortable with the idea of it happening, or get out of the situation. A car that only has a 45% chance of exploding isn't a car you want to drive, if you're not James Bond.
ANGST: I'm with Lava. You don't mention having kids together, shared finances, or anything else like that; none of the usual reasons people stay in relationships that aren't working for both parties sexually. If you don't want threesomes and she does, and she's this insensitive about telling you you're inadequate, listen to your gut and to her: You and she aren't a match; both of you should keep looking.
1. As an ex cheater, I would want to look at the stats as follows: the likelihood a person who had never cheated before will cheat in the next ten years in comparison to the likelihood that a person who cheated in the past will cheat again in the next ten years. I would bet that there would be a higher percentage in the second group but (a ) this would be due to a subset of serial cheaters and (b) the barrier to entry has dropped (snort). In other words, once you've done something, from jumping off the high dive to divorcing, it's easier to do again. As long as you aren't tangling with (a) the risk is probably negligible.

2. I agree with seandr. Turn about is fair play. I can't imagine how much it would hurt if my husband told me I was too loose. You just don't say stuff like that. I can't believe dan didn't smack down the girlfriend for sick cruelty, considering lw already refers to himself as nerdy. Get some self esteem man. The only person you want to be ggg with and do three-somes with is someone who makes you feel good. Ug reverse the genders and see how it looks. It's horrible. He needs to get away from her.

3. My ex made sure to out our lifestyle in our divorce to my family. My mom said it was disgusting. Poor thing it got all around her work. But I also learned I was not alone in my kinks and it relieved me of the embarrassment. I could be honest with everyone I dated. So while it sucked at the time, on the long term it was great. Man, your brother is a piece of work. Blah.
re: ATU letter #1 ....

Dan didn't point out a glaring factor. Context! The past relationship was with an abusive alcoholic. Having been in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic, it's not pretty. It's crazy-making and can drive a person to do things a person in a healthy relationship wouldn't do. I can bet he was looking for some sort of fun or release or even validation that he's desirable through this past cheating. My suggestion - KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP HEALTHY! If you do your part, then he should do his. If he isn't, then adjust your boundaries & conversation or DTMF.
EricaP @4: Thank you for pointing out that small-to-medium men have advantages that large men don't have, in addition to the reverse being true. Men's self-esteem (including ANGST's, it would seem) is often tied up in their penis size, so telling one's partner that one's penis isn't large enough is pretty much the worst thing you can say. Now, if ANGST can take EricaP's very true words to heart[1] and relate them to something in his own life -- for instance, the fact that he finds 22-year-olds attractive not meaning he doesn't also fancy his "slightly older" girlfriend -- there are in fact ways he can satisfy her occasional big-dick urges, such as a dildo or sheath.

[1] This is assuming that ANGST's girlfriend is like EricaP and me and does in fact like ANGST's medium-sized cock just fine. If she doesn't, she needs to admit that and move on.
@ ATU,
I don't intend for this to be a get out of jail free card for your partner but I have read a lot about how stress affects cognitive function. Long story short, people who are miserable and under stress will make bad decisions that provide short term benefit at long term expense. Here is an article that focuses on people in poverty and how the misery leads them to feel things are hopeless and consequently make bad decisions, believing "I am going to be miserable no matter what, so why not splurge now to have a moment of not feeling miserable even though this will likely make me more miserable later on."…
As it applies to your partner, you describe a hellish relationship he had with an alcoholic, unstable partner that he stayed in for five years. That is a long time to feel miserable, trapped in a relationship that brings you nothing but grief and foregoing a happy, HEALTHY relationships you see everyone on Facebook posting about. Along comes an opportunity to at least have a different sexual partner, giving him the ability to forget about his misery and feel sexually desirable. Sure it's his partners sister, but what does it matter if his partner finds out and gets angry over that? She will still be an unstable alcoholic, so might as well have a brief respite.
A guy's only got one dick, and that dick is going to be optimized for different activities and partners. A guy with a little tiny dick is going to enjoy lots of blow jobs. A guy with a skinny dick is going to get more anal. Lots of men love teeny-tiny women, and a nice short dick is going to be the most comfortable fit. A skinny cock that points straight at his adam's apple and a fat cock will both give great g-spot massage.

So while size and shape matter up to a point, it's not absolute. This chick seems to want a bigger dick. There are chicks out there who think his dick is too big. He needs to find one who enjoys the one he's got.

Or stay with this one and take charge of the situation. Fist her, spank her, call her names and then cuddle her. Tie her up, blindfold her, bring in a big-dicked stranger to fuck her while she blows him, call her names (and then cuddle her).

But nobody needs to feel inadequate.
In ATU's place, I would be suddenly very suspicious of the narrative framing around that previous relationship and the reason(s) it ended. Was it actually his cheating that ended the relationship, and might it be the case that the ex-GF/mother of his child is indeed not mentally ill nor an alcoholic? We don't have a lot of details on how ATU knows what she's asserting in her letter, so I'm going to adopt the default hypothesis that all of this is filtered through her BF's self-serving narration. The age gap here isn't inconsistent with the dude being a manipulative asshole, either: by my figuring, ATU is around 8-10 years younger than her BF (she's in her "mid 20s" now, and there's at least a 3-year period between him sister-fucking when "he was near 30 and the father of a child" and now, and probably more like 4 or 5 years, since it was apparently "during a particularly bad period" as opposed to "at the end of the relationship"). That doesn't necessarily mean he's dating a younger woman hoping to take advantage of her naivete, but it's suggestive when combined with the rest of the story. I would urge ATU to err on the side of caution.
I will note, for the gentleman with the wife craving MMF with a large cock - you are actually in an advantageous position here, since for double penetration, as the one with the smaller penis, you'll be the one who gets to fuck her asshole. Cheers!
Just to restate from the last thread on it: I think the way ATU's boyfriend owned up to it (late, gradually, and without taking responsibility) increases the Sketchiness Factor dramatically.

The misconduct wasn't only in the context of a bad past relationship; that bit of sketchiness happened in the present, and in his current relationship.
Also, agreed with #20 on all points. "Your dick is too small" is a pretty brutal bit of casual cruelty. Unless he's been giving her a lot of shit for not looking like a 20-year-old, in which case it's fair enough.

ANGST: Maybe start doing that? Complain constantly about her looking like an old woman, and insist that she find you a hot 20something to bang.

Disclaimer: This is my entry for the next Bad Advice Day.
marilynsue @27, yes, I think ATU should recognize that her bf has alcohol issues as well as his co-parent. If she wants to stick around and be a stable influence in the kid's life, that's great, but she should realize what she's getting into.
@29 -- saying "I have a fetish for a huge dick" is not the same as "your dick is too small."

Just like a dom telling a sub partner that the dom would like to try subbing to someone else. That can be hard to hear, but it's not an insult. It's a fetish/kink.
He says they have great sex. If he believes that she enjoys their sex life, and if he enjoys their sex life, and if she makes clear that she loves his cock the way it is, then he should not punish her for also wanting huge cock from time to time.
The "show her how it feels" advice to ANGST, while fun, seems a bit childish. If you can't get someone to understand that what they're doing is hurtful without resorting to hurting them in the same way, then you should probably just get the fuck out of the relationship.
@31 Good point
RE atu and @ 3 Mx Wanna
This happened to me when I was enagaged to my Miss N. I went to her G-parents house 2 states away. They had me sleeping in one basement bedroom and my fiancé sleeping on the 3rd floor. The other bedroom in the basement was held by her younger sister. My 1 AM trip to the bathjroom found me opening the door to sister in negligee complaining "I'm freezing" Ever the gentleman I offer a warm hug which becomes some heavy necking. Somehow my brain begins to work, and I gently extricate myself saving both of our honors. Never ever told this to anyone and it feels weird to tell it now 40 years late.
@31: Good point. I amend my entry for Bad Advice Day to "Tell her you have a fetish for hot 20somethings, and insist that she finds you a hot 20something to bang. Make no secret of the fact that you're aware that she's not a hot 20something." that actually better? I don't really think phrasing "You are inadequate" in kinkster jargon really makes it any better. Would you give her the same advice, if he was making these demands of her?

...and yes, this is terrible advice. Never stay in a relationship with someone who treats you badly just for the opportunity to punish them by treating them equally badly. Don't stay in those relationships at all. There's a reason I described it as "bad advice."
@17 DonnyKlicious: OMG---They're BAAA-AACK (oop)! Heaven bless the comics, and may they never die. Berkely Breathed was transitioning from his Bloom County strip into Outland way back in '89 when I was in U.S. Navy boot camp in Orlando, Florida. The funnies kept me sane during basic training. I'll never forget that one Sunday in June, and sadly reading what I believed was to be the last Bloom County strip EVER----wailing "NO-O-O-O-O-O!"---to which the long, tall dishwater blonde Texan in my company promptly responded, "Get a grip!"
@31 yeah she's within her rights to tell him that she will never be sexually satisfied with the way his body will always be. And he has the right to DTMFA.

It's not that a lady can't want big dicks. It's that this particular lady seems not to have relayed the information in a way that was not hurtful and anxiety-promoting to her partner. Which seems like a red flag for her being either super inexperienced or a jerk to me. Who does not know that men obsess about their dick size?

I like plump women with large tits. Dating skinny women would be both a waste of my time and, if I told them what I was really into, cruel for them.
With regards to ATU: I'm convinced I read of a similar issue really, or I've managed to dream of reading of a similar issue (yes, I do sometimes dream that I'm reading sensible articles. I love being in my 30s.) Anyhow, I recall the following advice being given:

Your partner wasn't the only person to have some kind of relationship with his ex- there's also her family and friends. And given she was being abusive and shitty to him, it's no stretch to imagine she was being abusive and shitty to her family too- including her sister. Perhaps it's only close family members and your partner who knew what this ex was actually like behind closed doors and, perhaps your partner felt the only person who'd understand what he was going through was the sister (and vice versa). So I'd say it's quite possible that the hook-up was the result of two people in the same awful situation having a moment of empathy and sympathy go too far.

This is merely a hypothesis, of course, but hopefully something that mitigates the "with whom" aspect of the cheating, if not the act itself.
Erica@31, this woman did more than say she likes a big cock, she bellyached that the guy brought in was inadequate, she has made the LW feel totally insecure.
How can one not hear and know these things going forward? It's done.
Erica @31: It's absolutely an insult. She probably didn't intend it as an insult - that makes no difference. Let's say I was dating a woman of average weight for North Americans, i.e. somewhat overweight (weight being something that women tend to be insecure about in the way men tend to be insecure about penis size), and like many North Americans being overweight was something she was insecure about. We swap with another couple; the other woman's as heavy as the woman I'm going out with. Afterwards, I bitch extensively about that other woman's weight and state that in future I want to have extra-relationship sex with women who are not overweight. Do you think it's likely that the woman I was dating wouldn't be upset by that, and do you think she'd be being unreasonable by being upset?
I could have been both those women in that scenario, old crow. A slender woman till The Change, and now lots of curves. Two in one.
Any man saying any word about my vagina size, I'd be out the door pronto.
I wonder if she is using this to control him. He's panicing she may go find this big dick man, when he could be indignant. Should be indignant.
So. If she's got him panicing, then he won't be looking for extra fun.
ANGST, find another girlfriend. It's not hard.
I think it's bullshit to say cheaters are always cheaters. Some yes, pathological.
Others, learn from their mistakes.
The sister thing we went thru on the other thread. One of Australia's well known international actors, shacked up with two sisters for fifteen years.
Erica@31, Crow@41... I find myself vacillating on this problem...Anyone is being a bit of a shit to break up with someone because their breasts are too small/nose is too big/dick is bent into the shape of a pretzel/eyes are too close together/back hair is thicker than a beaver pelt, etc, etc. But I wanted certain things in a girlfriend, personality and appearance-wise, and stopped dating a lot of women who didn't have those attributes (physical attraction was only one of the items on my list.) I don't think it's the wanting a buffalo-sized cock that's the problem, it's the bitching and whining about (and to) the guy that doesn't have it. It's too late to let this poor sap down easy if she can't live with his shortcomings, but for god's sake woman, bring a yardstick when you start dating again and just require your next victim to lay his dick out on the table first thing so you can see if he measures up to your standards.
@41: Yup. Just to quote: "...but the other man was of "average" size and she was not into it. I'm of average stature, and she made such a fuss of having someone extra large join in that it threw my hang-up about my size into overdrive. It's paralyzed me sexually. "

A pretty clear "He's like you, and therefore sexually useless to me."
@44 Lava: who was the Aussie actor shacked up with two sisters???
Dan's pro-ggg bias can be a bit strong. The behavior of the woman in ANGST is clearly shitty. I would say she might even be trying in a very cruel way to drive the guy to break up with her--which he should absolutely do.
Milkshake, it was Jack Thompson. An older actor now, and very proper. He was a naughty boy there for a while.
@46 "...but the other man was of "average" size and she was not into it."

Picture this. She was trying to avoid saying: "I would like to experience huge cock." So she didn't make it clear enough before they played with the couple. But she realized, during that event, that she's not really interested in sex with other men. She's specifically interested in sex with a huge cock. That doesn't mean she wants all her sex to be with a huge cock.

She probably prefers ANGST's cock for 90% of sex acts, but just wants the occasional escapade with a huge cock. In my experience, that's actually quite common among women. Though it's hard to talk about it without giving one's partner some issues, so women tend not to talk about it when men are present.

And, yes, Eudaemonic, I live this, from the other side. If you call me sexist here, I'll laugh. Mr. P. likes things in his other partners that I don't have, and isn't shy about letting me know.
Would I rather he kept those desires, for certain kinds of variety, to himself? No, I like that he trusts me enough to be honest. Does that mean that I needed to work on my insecurities and develop into a stronger person? Yes, I've had to do that work. It was worth it, in so many ways.
Oh, and Eudaemonic @36, where did you get the idea that she wants him to find her a guy with a huge cock? If he let her look, it sounds to me like she'd be happy to find one on her own. Mr. P. doesn't make me find him his partners -- I grant you that would be weird.
As long as you get the same scope to admire and vocalize qualities in your lovers that Mr P doesn't have Erica, that sounds fair.
I, too, am in a relationship with someone whose stated preference -- like most straight guys' -- is for larger breasts. So I can see both sides of it too. Knowing that he has a preference that is different to what I have to offer doesn't bother me generally; in fact, I take it as a compliment that he likes me enough to override his preference. But when we discuss girls we might both potentially find attractive and he dismisses one because "she's got small tits," that hurts. So I can totally see where ANGST is coming from.

On the other hand, I can see where his partner is coming from. Why bother with an MMF threesome (or MFM, as one of last week's commenters correctly noted) if the other M can't offer something that M does have to offer, namely, a much larger cock? An additional medium cock doesn't give Ms ANGST anything she's not getting already, so to her, there's no point. But there really was no way for her to say this without it looking like a critique of ANGST's cock. Rock and an, erm, hard place there.
@52, yes, Mr. P. knows what I was looking for (and found) in my other partner. Mr. P. also had to face some insecurities, but he agrees that it's worth doing that work.
That might be the case, but it sounds like she didn't make that clear. That's something you really need to make clear.

As per the above, it sounds like your boyfriend is being pretty insensitive.

What you said about threesomes and what people have to offer seems really reductive. Everyone has different appearance, different sexual style, is a different person. That's a big part of the appeal of threesomes.
Then you guys are good, Erica.
Delivery and intent are very important here. Yes, she wants to play with a bigger guy.. Occassionally. Her delivery says otherwise. She has brought the LW to his knees.
If she loved him and just wanted to play sometimes, then she tell her guy he is it for her, just sometimes a little variety would be fun. Leave dick size out of it. Just she chooses a man to join them she assumes may give her what she wants. He doesn't, then she try again next time.
The LW's gf didn't do this. She went arse over tit and has shattered this man. So that leaves us with her intent.
Can't see her intent has anything to do with leaving this guy feeling like a whole, strong, young man.
Damage is done. Kick this woman to the kerb, LW. Find yourself a woman who cherishes your phallus.
You may be right, but that's a situation where she really needed to be clear, or clarify later.

It sounds like your boyfriend is being kind of insensitive.

What you said re: different offerings in threesomes seems really reductive. Everyone looks different, has a different sexual style, and a different personality. That's the appeal of a threesome for a lot of people.
Faradn: he's feeling insecure, so it's hard for him to hear her being clear. He says "We have great sex." To me, that shows that deep down, he knows she enjoys sex with him. It's just his insecurities which now have him worrying whether all of their sex is tainted by her huge-cock fetish. If he's very insecure, nothing she says will reassure him. But to me, it sounds likely that she loves sex with ANGST, and just wants huge-cock on the side.

As for what you like in threesomes, that's great -- you do you. For me, what I like about threesomes is being ordered around. For ANGST's girlfriend, maybe she got stuck with a foursome, when what she wanted was a huge cock. He says she wants more threesomes, but I bet if he was able to let her have sex with another guy without him there, she'd be into that more than into threesomes.
Sorry about the double post, I'm used to Disquis where posts happen immediately. I reported my second comment for removal.
Faradn @55 and @57: It sounded from ANGST's letter that his partner was looking for a specific thing from a threesome. Namely, a man with a large cock. That's what the appeal of that particular threesome fantasy was for her.

Your mileage -- and mine -- may vary :)
BiDanFan.... i prefer smaller breasts.... and i am a straight guy.

The advice for angst to mention he wants a threesome...but only with a super tight pussy is comically enlightening... isn't it? ha
"your dick is too small" isn't really any worse than any shitty thing any guy has ever said to his lady. So get over your little itty bitty ego, ovary up and take the insult like a woman. Like I mean get the fuck over it.
I don't know, I'm pretty sure we'd have a great deal of sympathy for a woman whose partner pressured her into a foursome, then was meh on the other woman because "she's too old," when the other woman was the same age as his partner.

FWIW, I agree that he should let her have sex with other partners while he's not around. He should also have sex with other partners when she's not around. And they should eventually date some of those other partners, possibly exclusively.

On a similar note, I'm thinking it's probably best not to tell an overweight partner that you're interested in banging someone else "but no fatties," while making it clear that women of her weight are unacceptably fat. Or that women with pussies as tight as hers are just too loose to be worth fucking. Or... you get the idea.

ANGST: Definitely free to do any or all of these. You've earned it.

(Disclaimer: Don't actually do that.)
@Eudaemonic, you're determined not to understand the value of variety to some people, or that it's possible to express a desire for variety without excessive cruelty.

Perhaps to someone who is as vulnerable as you, maybe any request for variety does come off as excessive cruelty.

That returns me to where I was at the beginning: if he can't accept that she loves his cock and loves sex with him, then, yes, he should end it.

But I bet that if ANGST leaves her and she next dates someone with a huge cock, she'd be asking that huge-cock guy for permission to bang someone more average sized before long. Some people like variety. And some of us can deal with that in our partners.
Mr Savage came off as a bit flat on the ANGST letter.

I agree with Ms Fan about the complimentary aspect that can exist in such a situation. Ms Erica is quite persuasive, but I think a bit optimistic. We know that this is not a case of her explaining herself reasonably and his taking her explanation reasonably; it's easy to fall into the assumption that, knowing we don't have AB, we have A or B, but my first guess is O. I'd be open to revision if we learned more about the so-called fit she threw.
BDF- any thoughts you can share as to how the size of breast-forms, those used on occasion by crossgenders/nonbinarygenders/whateverers, may be perceived by their on-going or potential mates?
Variety is the nature of the story re open relationships, Erica.
Cruelty is not a necessary part of that, unless it's what the participants are looking for.
@64: I agree that it's possible for ANGST's partner to express a desire for variety without using excessive cruelty, just as it was possible for you to make the same point without trying to gender-role police me. Neither one happened.
Chairman @61: Thanks for the affirmation, but I did say "most" :)
And by "smaller" I bet you mean a B or C cup, right? Not AA...

Venn @65: "I'd be open to revision if we learned more about the so-called fit she threw." Well exactly -- many commenters have picked up on this as evidence of her horrible cruelty, and I know we have little choice but to read letters as written, but based on the epidemic of men falsely believing their medium-sized penises are inadequate, I think it's possible Ms ANGST tried to phrase "I was just hoping for a really big dick for a change" as gently as possible and he still took it personally. One thing is for sure: Whether justified or not, Ms ANGST is going to have an uphill struggle convincing ANGST she likes his cock just fine... I see quite a few exaggerated orgasms in their future...

CMD @66: An interesting question. Generally, if one is trying to look feminine, of course one would want breasts that are proportionate -- and given that XY-chromosomed people generally have broader shoulders, that may mean larger busts than a comparable cis female would have. A bust measurement that matches one's hip measurement is reasonable for cis women, but XY folks' hips are proportionately narrower, so that may not be the best guideline. On the other hand, if you go too large, you run the risk of looking cartoonish. Go for a handful?
BDF @ 69 (congrats, you got the lucky one this week)
Yes, the broader shoulders is often a factor, even to smaller frame people like myself.
Fear of looking grotesque is an on going concern especially when coming out in an older age, feeling like an experimenting teenage girl when you’re a man in your 40’s…
As such I have different breast forms sizes for different looks.

Still wonder how that size, or even breast forms to begin with, may influence mates or trigger insecurities.
I also wonder what's the story, if any, behind your avatar.
In case this discussion of huge cocks has any of you guys feeling nervous about the size of your cock, let me say that I personally have absolutely ZERO interest in huge cocks. I tried 2 different ones and they were painful. And both guys seemed to be utterly unaware of this drawback. So bring on the smaller dicks.
Allison, I loved what you had to say. As I always do. :-)
Lunch time penis story:
The museum of sex "mosex" in NYC is a waste of time and money and felt like a tourist trap for visiting Eastern European groups. And it all geared to the straight male limited to men with women and women with women.

Apparently the books in the gift shop proved much more enlightening and you could also flip through the designated copies. One was a picture only that featured naked men with erected penises. They all looked very impressive to me.
As I moved to another book a black man, supposedly gay, looked through it. Two black women got closer, took an over the shoulder, and asked what he thinks. “Oh, very impressive. Here you can judge for yourselves,” and they all giggled with agreement.

All pictures were part of a gay culture back in the 1960’s and featured only white men.

I think it’s the same book that was reviewed by a Stranger’s female writer few years ago. Her conclusion was something like, “This book belongs on any coffee table in America.”
I mean "on every"
Fan @69. I'd be hoping this boy is packed and out the door by now, so no need for fake orgasms. You think it ok for a woman to play this game with a man?
Either a man satisfies a woman or he doesn't. No point in hanging about if there is a problem here, not like time is going to change anything. It's not a personality flaw to be worked on.

Hunter@71. What? Code for a black man. Is there no stereotype for either sex that has ever left your head?
And if any tiny titted women are feeling insecure that they're too small (BiDanFan?), my husband genuinely loves really small (AA) breasts. He also likes big butts. Both of which I have. I previously had a boyfriend who always thought my breasts were too small and my ass was too large and I thought I just had to put up with that. But then I broke up with him and I married a guy who thought the opposite. As the years have gone by I know that I would have continued to be massively insecure about my body if I'd stayed with the boyfriend. Now that I'm a bunch older I see that people don't change those sorts of preferences.
Lava- don’t take it personally that BDF got 69 this week and you didn’t ,`~>
I think what she’s trying to tell us is that the woman never meant no harm, though it may be interpreted this way.
She actually wants to stay with him and assure him he’s ok, hence the future fake orgasms.

The whole situation doesn’t mean that someone must lose in order for the other to gain. It can be a mutual win though it takes time and careful navigation.
This is also my interpretation of what EP is saying, I may be wrong.
Right, CMD. Really worried about numbers.
Whether she meant no harm or not, she caused harm. Didn't she? Sounds like she caused harm to the LW.
Is this something he should just get over. Can he just get over it. I don't know, I'm not a man. I imagine as soon as cock size becomes an issue in a relationship, that it's a doomed relationship. The End.
@megm1: I personally have absolutely ZERO interest in huge cocks

Easy does it, guys with big dicks have feelings, too.
Lava-yes, this is what we know from one account. Interpretations and may vary, and truth may be treacherous.
Just like the girl from the bus said: "information is not knowledge. Knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom is not love. Love is not beauty..."
I don't think Dan is being fair, assuming LW1 is snooping. Sounds to me like it could easily be a FB post, maybe one that re-surfaced on the current feed when somebody commented on it, or FB just chose to repost it as a Cherished Memory from the Past. They do that. I hate that they do it, but there you are.
ANGST: if you're this insecure about your dick (at 37)--even though you say you and your partner have great sex--then why are you inviting other dicks into your sex life in the first place?

I'm curious as to how much of a "fuss" his partner threw...perhaps it was more like she got excited about the idea and talked about it a bit too much. Maybe she felt that since they are so GGG that she could be honest with him about her feelings about the experience and her desires for the future.

Look, you're a grown-ass man. If you need your perfectly contented partner to hold your dick's hand forever and never question it as biggest-dick-ever, then SHE should be dumping YOU.
It's got nothing to do with being insecure@85. It's got to do with feeling inadequate.
You like to think your vagina is so big anyrhing could get lost upthere? If a guy made you feel that way , you'd just laugh it off I suppose. Much stronger woman than me.
Hunter78 @82,

That’s what they say, that if you go and measure thousands of men with different genetic heritages that the mean dick size of black men is larger than the mean dick size of white men. But in a lifetime most people don’t have sex with thousands of men and in a small, naturalistic sample size these differences don’t show up in a meaningful way. (Translation: most white men I’ve had sex with had much bigger dicks than the black men I’ve had sex with.) (I have not yet had sex with any asian men.)

There is a well-known stereotype whether or not any particular individual fits it. Some guys who do fit it enjoy being a white couple's BBC (Big Black Cock) and advertise as such in Fetlife.
Reposting Slog posts again I see, Dan. Classy.
This guy is still young and virile.
Twenty plus years hence, when he can no longer get it up without the help of a little blue pill, plenty of time then to feel inadequate.

Porn is not a random sample. Locker rooms are better.
I'm just glad EricaP is seeing Eudaemonic more clearly. And, now I am frightened... and will flee.
CMD @70: "As such I have different breast forms sizes for different looks." -- So do I. ;)
As far as triggering insecurities... My lover who cross-dresses has reasonable sized breast forms for his rather petite frame. Is it strange being intimate with someone who wears a larger bra size than me. Well, this is pretty much exclusively my experience with every bra-wearer I've been with. And I would say no, because if I wanted to wear large breast forms, I could. If I wanted to have large fake boobs, I could. When the clothes come off, my male partner's chest is flatter than mine, so while I might think they look a bit silly, a genderqueer person wearing Jessica Rabbit-size breast forms wouldn't make me feel inadequate.

And my avatar is an image someone on FB said reminded them of me.

Hunter @71: Wow, that's a seriously racist thing to say. If she wants a black man, she should go for a black man. Unlike penis size, race is something you can tell about a person before they take their clothes off. (And while there may be correlation between penis size and race, it's not one-to-one; there are small-dicked black men just like there are small-dicked 6'3" men.)

CMD @73: Funnily, the Museum of Sex in Amsterdam, I'd give similar reviews. Just a collection of porn images and objects, several rooms of hetero and "lesbian" images and one Tom of Finland poster for the gay men. I guess they know their audience.
@61, @69, @77 Add my name to the list of guys that like women with small breasts (and yes, AA is just fine). As they say, "More than a mouthful is wasted, anyway."
ATU - Cheating is one thing, but fucking your girlfriend's sister? And it's not like this was a 19-year-old's mistake; he was near 30 and the father of a child. He also fudged a little about whether it was just one time or a few times.
He showed some pretty bad judgement in his last relationship, getting pregnant with a poor partner, continuing the bad relationship for 5 years, having an affair with a poor partner... He's much older, has a history of bad relationships, and she has nothing good to say about him as a person. What is so wrong with her that she can't do better?

ANGST - You didn't mention if the female half of the couple was younger. If you got younger and she didn't get bigger, then I think it's fair to try again with an older hung couple.

KINK - Great story!
Original letter in its entirety for reference:
"I'm a 37-year-old straight male in a relationship with a slightly older woman. I have a GGG girlfriend, and I am completely GGG—until we talk about having a MMF threesome. We have great sex and have experimented together. We tried playing with a couple to give her the "two-dick experience" she wanted, but the other man was of "average" size and she was not into it. I'm of average stature, and she made such a fuss of having someone extra large join in that it threw my hang-up about my size into overdrive. It's paralyzed me sexually. I'm afraid she'll leave me or run off looking to fulfill her need on her own.

Average Nerdy Guy Shunning Threesomes"

First of all, as others have noted, the threesome they were looking for is a MFM one (yes, the placement of those initials makes a difference).
I don't think this is something that he is overreacting to. Making "such a fuss" about penis size (I assume in advance) and then being upset that the guest penis is "average" to the point of not being able to get into sex--well, that would likely stir up any penis-haver's insecurity.

You don't need a big cock to have a "two-dick experience." All you need is two dicks. If what she wanted was a big dick--bigger than her boyfriend's--she needed to specify in advance that that was her fantasy so they could screen for a better suited partner and achieve a more fulfilling experience. But she also needs to do that with great delicacy, because penis size is definitely a sensitive subject and something about which many men are insecure or vulnerable.

"You know I love the way you fuck, Sweetie, <>b>and you know how much I love your cock. But just for novelty's sake, I've wanted to bring a guy with a really big dick into our bed. I imagine going down on you while getting fucked by him, or being doubly penetrated, with you in my ass and him in my pussy, for that completely "filled up" feeling. I don't wish you were any different--in fact I love that we can have sex in so many positions and do so many acts because you're just the right size. But just like you may have always fantasized about being with a super tall woman or a platinum blonde or a woman with ginormous breasts, or _______, I want to try something different once in a while."

Then, you screen beforehand for penis size if that is the main feature you're looking for. And afterwards, you make sure to reassure your boyfriend that you still find him and his cock attractive.
It sounds like they didn't screen beforehand, and that she used no tact whatsoever. It also sounds like she behaved like a whiny, childish brat.
Everyone who is making comparisons to a man telling his overweight girlfriend that he couldn't get into sex with their third because she was overweight just like the girlfriend is dead-on.

ANGST - It sounds like she's been fiending for a MFM threesome but the only thing on offer was a 4some with a barely interesting guy for her. Sure, she might leave if she doesn't get what she really wants. You either trust her answer when you ask, or you don't, in which case the trust starved relationship is about over anyway.

What is it that Dan always says? Something like: Dump the woman with an honest big dicked MFM fetish and you'll discover the next has been doing it with stiffs on the sly. But if it's a fetish too far for you, or she's being hypocritical and there's no chance of a nice FMF for you, I do think it's wiser to walk away.
@99: I can't see evidence that the lw brokered the 4some. And if he did, it may have been so that while his girlfriend was able to get the "two dick" experience she wanted, he was able to have some heterosexual fun and novelty of his own. There's no way of knowing if there being four people in the room, instead of three would have been objectionable to her if the other man had had a bigger dick. I don't see why it's not possible, within a 4some to get "a lot of cock" It's certainly happened to me.

If what she wanted was a threesome and not a foursome and what was super important to her was the size of the guest star's cock, she needed to make that explicit beforehand. And they needed to make sure to choose someone who has the physical attributes that constitute her fantasy. This doesn't prevent her from being tactful and reassuring her partner that he satisfies her or that she is not disappointed in him or his physical attributes. If the boyfriend/lw found some reason to object to a MFM threesome, then they can deal with it from there. And I wouldn't say that a straight man who doesn't want to be part of an MFM threesome wherein the other guy's anatomy is the main point is necessarily not ggg. Being ggg doesn't mean you have to sign on for absolutely anything your partner wants.
@97: "Everyone who is making comparisons to a man telling his overweight girlfriend that he couldn't get into sex with their third because she was overweight just like the girlfriend is dead-on.

Thank you. I'm pretty sure that nobody in that circumstance would be telling you you're just "too vulnerable" for thinking he was being an asshole.
Was his girlfriend inconsiderate?
A lot of people are using the fact that he feels sadz as evidence that she was inconsiderate about his size. But it's unclear from the letter whether she has been complimenting his dick and sucking and fucking it often to prove she's happy with it, or if she is neglecting compliments and regular sex. The fact that she wants a big dicked MFM and he does not is not inconsiderate. It's garden variety sexual incompatibility. Some people are happy with a dead rat and a string to swing it by, some people are miserable because the Mazerati they got for Christmas is the wrong color; his sadz doesn't mean that he was wronged. Her "fuss" might have been a clear statement of a burning desire, the epitome of good communication. Or whining and badgering and coercive nonsense. I judge that he isn't owning his "hang up about size", and trying to justify why an MFM would be wrong for him. He doesn't need any justification. If it feels wrong for him, it's wrong for him, he should just be honest about it so she can find what she needs elsewhere.

ANGST doesn't have a question. It sounds like he's seeking reassurance that the relationship can still be salvaged although he's unwilling to do an MFM. And no one has the answer to that but her. Dan can't tell people what they should really want or what they should sacrifice for romance. He's really great with thinking out-of-the-box for solutions to relationship problems. But it looks to me like they tried their best compromise and it didn't work. Letting her go off for MFM's alone, or suddenly being ok with MFMs (unrealistic), look like the only options for a happy relationship here.

I can't see how it's about gender. Big dicks aren't objectively better. Chunky people aren't objectively worse. Variety in partner traits is a thing some people value.

It's about balancing Partner A's particular level of vulnerability/insecurities with Partner B's tact in expressing a taste for variety.

Suppose a man says he wants to try a threesome; his wife sets up a FMF, but he's not happy afterwards. He says he really wanted to try dick, but was too wary of mentioning it, and so left that out of his request. But he doesn't want more FMF, he really wants MMF.

If he's a jerk about it, then he'll leave her feeling as if he never liked sex with women and is all about sex with men. But if he has tact, it should be possible for him to express it so that she sees that he loves sex with her, and yet also wants to try sex with men.

Conversely, if she has enough vulnerabilities/insecurities, then she won't be able to hear him say he loves sex with her, no matter how much tact he uses. She'll just hear him saying he likes sex with men.

If people can't manage this discussion, then their relationship probably has to end. But I see no way to tell from the letter whether the problem comes primarily from her lack of tact which is the problem ("made such a fuss"), or his excess of vulnerabilities/insecurities ("my hang-up about my size").
that last sentence should read: "But I see no way to tell from the letter whether the problem comes primarily from her lack of tact ("made such a fuss"), or his excess of vulnerabilities/insecurities ("my hang-up about my size").
EricaP: I would guess that they wandered into a perfect storm. Undoubtedly, there are several factors at play here. She sounds tactless, he sounds insecure (though it's a cultural insecurity many man have), and it also sounds like they may not have the best communication skills. I still think they can get through this if they want to.
Maybe she's an asshole.
Ms Phile @96 - Assuming facts not in evidence. His interest in younger women is speculation in comments, which are not even hearsay. @103 - Much better.


Ms Fan - How would you compare the delicacy attendant upon the expression of desire for occasional variety with regard to part size to the delicacy attendant upon the expression of desire for occasional variety with regard to gendre?


Ms Cute - I am having the interesting experience (having acquired two audiobooks this week at a job lot store, the same one where I picked up ) of listening to a book and not being at all sure that I didn't read it some years ago.
Don't mind me--Griz is quietly catching up on SL Slog reads. I'm still reeling after misidentifying Eudamonic's avatar as a Christmas ornament and not seeing a cobra head. Yeeks.

Penis size? Sorry--nothing to add (or subtract). Will try again later. Gotta get back to computer work and housekeeping.

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