Columns Dec 23, 2015 at 4:00 am

Cock Locked


Really Dan? IED should give up her "dream job" if this THREE month relationship might look like it's panning out? WTF
@JibeHo, that is not at all what Dan said.
FTWL in a more Edinburgh accent than usual.
LW2:IED Realistically, this relationship has a three month expiration date on it. Enjoy it while you can, stay friends and who knows what the future might bring. Long distance relationships can work, but in my experience the ones that do are the ones with some hope of an end to the separation in sight...i.e. a job that will end in a year, etc. So, keep it light - don't go all head-over-heels for this guy and say a fond farewell at 6 months – if that's how it turns out. Like Dan said, you never know what the future will actually bring.
And to all my fellow commenters, and to our gracious host, Dan: Seasons greetings and best wishes! Reading your thoughts has brightened my days and brought me more than a few chuckles. I look forward to a new year of Savage repartee!
Orgasm denial? Now hold it right there.
Sorry LW1, it may come to me, just at the moment I'm just not getting the hotness of some guy relinquishing his dick to you. And, somebody is denying orgasm somewhere.. NoNo.
My hot realm is not anywhere near yours.
DonnyK makes a fine, thoughtful addition to the commenters gallery.
Party Line founder wishes him and everyone else happy holidays and a wonderful new year.

Jibeho- I like you too though I think you really missed Dan's point this time. It's ok, happened to many of us, Party Line founder included.
You guys have read the second letter?
I was too scared to, after the first one.
You too Donny, and the rest of you rag tag mob, Happy Holidays🎈
Male chastity, orgasm denial, and my friend Lava @ 6
While offered a chastity device few years ago I declined as I only had one prior encounter with the offering person, and felt it was waaaay too early to determine where the relationship is heading to.

What I do find extremely intriguing and sexy is that of women who are not afraid to take control and are not shy in expressing it. Not to mention acting on it.
I find some of these women to be more intelligent than average.

It may sound weird to some, but I also view it in the context of me being pro feminist and doing my share in empowering women.
Possibly my very own unique way of joining the YGG crowd
Lava @ 8
That's a nice red sperm cell swimming at the bottom of your post
GOP: I second it. Trumpzilla the Rug officially gets my morning dump.
@4 & @5 DonnyKlicious: Merriest of Christmases and Happy Holidays to you, Dan, and everybody here, too! Keep on rockin' and Hail Bill!
@8 LavaGirl: Merry Christmas, big hugs and VW beeps--and hit the beach & party hearty girl, for us!

I have heard of locking male chastity belts---BUT!---blue balls swelling and turning purple?!?
Common sense--despite BALLSUP's claim that her spouse was okay, even if he said so, himself---clearly screams out to PLEEEEASE--- let him go! Yoiks.
@11, Part II: Wait--make that my morning trump.
But, but... I really like the word trump and it's classic meaning, from Bridge. Sucks that's getting ruined. I suppose it could just be a word with two meanings.
CMD. It's a balloon. Don't you guys have these.. Funny boy.
Happy holidays to you too DonnyK, look forward to reading more of your thoughts in the coming year! And to my Savage buddies Lava, Auntie Griz, Venn and my special friend CMD. I would lock your junk up anytime. In the context of a trusting relationship of course. :)
CMD: What is YGG?
Taking a Trump is a fine meme, & it's been done before: the great Texan writer & occasional politician Kinky Friedman sometimes liked to mention having had a good Nixon.
Dan's right, especially on the second one. Three months in, six months before a big move? Way too early to call.
Lava @ 14
And you thought I didn't know your original intent???

Mistress BDF
I'm ready to close my eyes any time and let you take me by the hand.
YGG is a Venn acronym for You Go Girl

drdan @ 17
Kinky Friedman started as a musician somewhere in the late 1960's.
His band was called Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys.
Despite being a paranoid rectum who was rightfully impeached, Nixon may have been one of our most talented presidents ever.
I'm on board with sullying Trump's surname, especially since his expression on the cover of his latest book makes one think that it should have been titled "Struggling to Extrude an Extremely Large Turd."…
Sullying Trump's surname isn't going to work; the guy just loves seeing his name in print, and doesn't care about the context in the slightest. Saying his name more often pleases him. If you want to fuck with him, do it the other way--pick a new word to use instead of "Trump," and use it exclusively. What he cares about is how many hits come up when he Googles his own name.
I would say it probably depends on the kind of purple as the cage doesn't actually prevent the blood from trying to make you hard, so it can be a bit discolored when you're aroused but will go back to normal when you get soft again.

Long term caging can be a lot of fun too!
Mx Wanna - Your attitude is too thoughtful for YGG. Recall the origin - that thread about the letter from the dreadful young woman with a taste for practices that were potentially dangerous for partners who would likely have deserved better, and the unthinking support she received from so much of the commentariat, some of whom, to be fair, claimed they were not being unthinking in their support, but that was my original assessment.
Dear Penthouse Forum:

This is Kyle's wife writing the good readers of this forum. Kyle would be at the keyboard, but he's a little tied up right now! He says hi to everyone, at least that's what I think he said, it's a little hard to understand him when with his ball gag locked into place! Anyway, I know it's been forever, but with the kids and all we just got too busy. But boy-o-boy was I in for a surprise when my stallion of a husband showed up home from a long day at work as a fitness trainer with a strap on dildo! I was confused at first, but then he said I was going to ride him like a filly... and believe me I never heard a girl-horse whinny like that before!

But what really concerns me is although I can keep my stud in the stall with a stainless steel chastity device, I don't want to turn him into a gelding! Who would want to waste such a thick tool of masculinity and a double handful of low hanging eggs? Just wanted an a-ok before breeding season begins! Now on the other hand, his sissy friend Jacob, whose tiny nuts barely descended, is begging me for the treatment he deserves. Can you recommend an appropriate device to help a new mistress, (but learning fast! ;-) ), to train his clitoris?
Ballsup - 1) Since color change is a topic, I have a question about penis color change. When the base turns purple or even blue, is that safe? For context, I was pegging this hot guy and it changed the whole way to bluish purple and I was a little terrified. He said he was OK and then came really hard, so I figured it was a sign of high arousal.. I'm not normally in a position to notice a color change, if it's common.

2) I think a model with a belt would work as well or better than a Prince Albert anchor. Maybe mod a female chastity belt in front.

IED - I don't see how it makes sense to leave if you are too happy. I don't understand why this is a problem now, either.. Did you start to feel serious and were hoping he'd change his mind and stay but it's not happening? Or did he just decide to move now? Either way it seems that you are taking things more seriously than him, or have greater expectations, it seems appropriate to pull back a little but breaking up seems a little extreme here.
Every so often Dan gets a letter that makes me think, 'Yup, pretty glad I'm pretty boringly vanilla.' LW was one of them.
IED's has been in a good relationship for three months, and her boyfriend has six months to go before his planned departure for his hometown. That's nine months of dating before he plans to leave, by which point, it's not unreasonable that one of two things might happen: (1) IED's boyfriend realizes that he would rather stay with IED than return to the Midwest, or (2) they might have discussed a way to make a long distance relationship work for them.

It seems that IED wants to be "sensible" about her boyfriend's impending departure, which in her mind means ending the "doomed" relationship now. But by doing so, IED is probably likelier to end up alone during these next six months that she is to find another really good boyfriend who is staying in her area. There are times when you need to think to the future, and there are times when you need to let life unfold before you, and take the path at your feet. Right now, IED should think less about the future, and enjoy the present.

@LavaGirl: Orgasm control and denial is one of my favorite activities with my submissive partners.
he will be moving back to his hometown in the Midwest

Huuuuuuge red flag.
Philo @ 25
"I'm not normally in a position to notice..."
So was it a reversed-role missionary?
BALLSUP: For supervised use, Fort Troff sells a flexible cage that does what you need without the inflexibility of metal to cut off circulation. You'd have to see if it would work on the other guy's body. And while it is designed for long term use, the sub could remove it---although you might be able to devise a way to detect whether it has been removed.…
You guys do know that in the UK a trump is a fart, right?

"Who just trumped?"
"Ooooh, that trump was a bit eggy"

We've been unable to take him seriously for years (and you can just guess at the sniggering when Ivana Trump was a gift to school break-time punchlines)
Orgasm denial is a great form of control. I don't really get the cages though. In addition to not working or fitting very well (and in the case of a PA you need a special model or you will get some noticeable clanking sounds) Any self-respecting sub should be able to follow the rule of "no jerking off allowed" without the need for special equipment.
I have a sneaking suspicion that the Trump = Dump thing would just make him happy, as it would ensure his name is said even more. Dude is a troll, positive attention, negative attention, it all fluffs his personal brand.
I think LW1 is fake as fuck, pegging for a couple of hours? Really? Sounds like something a person who's never pegged or been penetrated would write but maybe that's just me. In case it's real: hey, jackass, if you're going to dominate someone that way you need to take care of their safety, you're not.
@34 gee don't ya think?... Hope you enjoy my latest series of letters, @34... Happy holidays everyone!
mybad jujubee80- @24
Venn @ 23
Yes, I'm aware that my take on YGG is a perverted one, or "unique" as I originally phrased it.

You might be glad to know that YGG came up recently during Thanksgiving dinner. Someone brought it up to describe the often automatic support a female writer would get while reciting her mediocre angry rant. It's often delivered while waving arms and speaking very fast in order to shove as much misery as possible into the 3-minute poetry slam time limit.
@15 BiDanDan: Big hugs and VW beeps right back! Happy holidays!
@28 Seriously? You don't know anything about this guys life circumstances that might necessitate a move back home. And there's nothing wrong with the Midwest.
CMD @19: Thanks, I was thinking it was some variation on "Good, Giving and Game" but "Young, Giving and Game" didn't quite work, as you've said you're no longer on the young side... (No offense, me neither!)

Meena @31: As the resident UK resident, I have to say I have never heard of this terminology. Google says it's Northern British slang, which is a completely different language to that spoken by us soft Southernerns. However, given current events we may need to adopt it nationwide!

ltsl @39: I think seandr was kidding... A Midwestern escapee perhaps?
Hello all! Thank you for this delightful Slog Trail-- reminds me of days gone by. Hilarious!
Stay safe and be happy as you ring out the old (er, wring out the old?) and ring in the new.
CMD [29] - So was it a reversed-role missionary?
Is that what you call woman on top? Yeah, and face to face, but it didn't remind me of missionary at all. I like the pubic bone grinding the best about missionary and that was missing.

There seems to be a trend that I don't understand at all, that pegging or maybe dominating a guy is sort of gay for a woman.. I don't think of a guy as less masculine because I'm twiddling his prostate buttons, or feel like a lesbian at all. I also don't think of myself as a gay guy because I'm inside him or putting something inside him. People think about gender so differently, I just don't get it sometimes.

It's cool there's no horror stories of deep flushes. And rosy flushes on the neck, chest and penis seem pretty normal. It was the blue shade that was alarming. More of a poisonous spider shade than a mammalian skin shade. Although who cares if it's freaky looking if it isn't causing anyone harm... The cold part of Ballsup's letter seemed more alarming than the blue part, that's definitely a lack of proper circulation.
Merry Christmas everyone !
You too Sissoucat. Hope you and yours are going well.
hello comment 21 person, one reason i like to call him Donald Chump, to avoid actually saying his name and denying the recognition.
happy new year everyone!
@43 sissoucat: Merry Christmas, big hugs, and VW beeps! Hope all is well your way.
@44: Merry Christmas, LavaGirl--sending mega hugs, VW beeps, and much love, too.

Merry Christmas, Dan and everybody---Griz is attending a candlelight service at a local church downtown with friends--then the annual Christmas DVD lineup of classic holiday movies and animated Christmas TV specials----A Charlie Brown Christmas and How the Grinch Stole Christmas will always be among my sentimental favorites. I'm just a Sally Brown / Cindy Lou Who at heart.
Heaven help me, I still see a Christmas ornament instead of an intended cobra head on Eudaemonic's avatar. 'Tis the season.
Now if we could just do something to permanently close the deep, butt crack-like, bottomless canyon inside Trumpzilla's forever open, spewing pie hole......I'm thinking maybe stuffing it with landfill, or any garbage New York or New Jersey would like to get rid of, like Chris Christie.
We could have a two-for-one sullying and call the ugly combo a trumpstie.
Well, this column was a detumescence pill.
@37, CMD: Ah, poetry slams. Where the quality doesn't matter as long as the content is based in trauma. >.
Merry Christmas to all my Stranger peeps. I know I'm absent most of the time but I still cherish the kind hearts and sharp wit of everyone here.
G; happy happy to you. Enjoy the evening..
Merry Christmas to you too Rhone.
Hope you're going well.
Merry Christmas to all those who celebrate!
Ms Grizelda - Sally I suppose as a younger sibling, but I'd think the trailing around after Linus bit would be a bit grim.


Salutes to Ms Sissou and Mr Rhone, who are sorely needed to raise the tone.
Philo @ 42
My "reversed role" comment was more on the technical side- woman on top, face to face, penetrating a man- which seems to be the case for you.

The lesbian, gay, reverse gender and so on may be a factor to some but not to all. And it can be a big bonus. Or not.

For me personally there's a lot going on in this arena because of my bigender/gender queer/ whatever identity which also means presenting myself as a woman at times.
Many people if not most, male and female alike, assume I'm gay because of it. Women in General feel more comfortable around me while I'm in my female persona. I think big part of it is because it gives them a false sense of security, assuming I don't want to fuck them.
Men on the other hand are some times terrified and disgusted. Not only I ruin their perception of what a woman should look and behave like, they often think I actually do want to fuck them (or at the very least suck their dick.)

There's a lot more I can say about those issues but not sure what's your level of interest. More details upon request.

And yes, blue shades on any penis can be alarming.
ciods @ 50
Oh yes, struggle and trauma often make it easier advancing to the next round.
No offense to anyone, but those issues also seem to work in favor for today's B-day boy. Or at least the way it is sold to the masses.
CMD [56] - There's a lot more I can say about those issues but not sure what's your level of interest. More details upon request.
How savvy of you to speak to my interests. I pretty much always like talking about sex if the other person isn't pushy or demeaning or otherwise sketchy.

For me personally there's a lot going on in this arena because of my bigender/gender queer/ whatever identity which also means presenting myself as a woman at times.
Many people if not most, male and female alike, assume I'm gay because of it.

Well.. I did assume you were part time gay as well as part time woman, but maybe not quite bisexual. Iirc you date women, transwomen and transmen... I assumed that sometimes when you dated women you felt like a woman, and sometimes when dating transmen you felt like a man... And a man dating a man, or a woman dating a woman, seems kinda gay :) You even seem to be talking about an advantage of the straight assumption for one with gay interests... women are more relaxed with women, and men are more relaxed with men... until they start hitting on each other.

Although I think the same effect happens with hetero friendships across gender, once a precedent of nonsexuality has been set, people can learn to ignore the possibility and relax. It's hard when you're really attracted to someone, though.

I'm sorry that men get funny when you're in your female persona. I imagine it's entirely their problem; they're probably simply insecure about being attracted to a woman with a cock. It doesn't sound like you hit on straight guys and actively make them uncomfortable. I'm sure they'll meet a lot more women, mostly with pussies, who do not act how they expect a woman to act and eventually get over their expectations :)

Re blue shades: I think a good response is to try to make a penis with blue shading come in the next 5 minutes, but if it doesn't seem to be happening, stop everything and try to relax. Restore normal circulation somehow, but it's not a real emergency. I'm completely open to correction about this though. It's viscerally scary although it doesn't seem to be immediately dangerous.

Talk about Xmas blues sheesh.. Merry Xmas!
Merry Christmas to all who celebrate.
I try to avoid it Nocute, being a Buddhist for thirty years now, Fraid I can't quiet stop the charge.
My sons want me to create the beautiful story, without offering much help. Funny. Had xmas breakfast with my boys and one of their gf's.
I'm changing my name to Shush, cause I seem to get this a lot from my boys.
They went for an ocean swim. Original plan was for beach food, that changed. I stayed home for a no noise break.
Then three of my sons went elsewhere, my daughter, her man and their children came for dinner.. Which we had under the stars, rain had been forecast. They and I shared the food.
Prawns, ham, beef, potato salad, cooked peaches and salad. Chocolates, stollen, fruit cake and Lychees. Easy as..
Not a turkey to be seen. And despite a few moments, a pleasant day was passed.
Not long now till the tennis Venn. I hope Rafa is coming and in good health.
>> Once the chastity device is locked—cheaper ones with a wee padlock, custom ones with something more artful—there's no way to remove it (and free the cock) without tearing the balls off. >>

I think most any chastity device can be removed by a professional, without tearing off the balls. So if the lock breaks or you lose the key, you can still get out without physical harm. It's true that there would be some expense, and some embarrassment, and the key holder would know you had taken it off.
Happy Holidays to the Savage Love community!
@51: Merry Christmas, lolorhone, and all the best to you.
@52 & @60 LavaGirl: Happy holidays, Lava---it sounds like you and your family enjoyed a wonderful day at the beach, despite the rainy forecast.
@54 jujubee80: Merry Christmas, all the best in 2016.
@55 vennominon: Oh---that's right. I'm more charmed by Schroeder than Linus, anyway. But Schroeder would still dump me for Beethoven. Maybe Cindy Lou Who is a better fit.
I watched my Christmas Eve line up after candlelight service (Charlie Brown / Grinch / It's a Wonderful Life) and once again sentiment took over.
@59 nocutename: Merry Christmas and all the best your way, too.
@62 EricaP: Happy holidays, hugs, and VW beeps coming right back.
@55, Part II, vennominon: And then Lucy and I would be at war over Schroeder, too. More grim than my pining after Linus. *sigh* I always did love Moonlight Sonata.
Ms Grizelda - It can be so hard finding a well-fitting character.


Ms Lava - The structural difficulty of your tournament is that Djokovic will get all night matches in the later rounds, which is why that's his best major. He's vulnerable to heat and wind, and he won't get a difficult opponent in either. A win for either Sr Nadal (to complete the first double career slam since Mr Laver) or for Team Murresmo now that Maman is coaching again, or even for either of the Swiss players, would be charming, but I've little hope.
@ 66
Step aunt?
I miss Dr. Aisebo or whatever was his name
@65 vennominon: I don't know about how well fitting, but I AM a character.
I therefore declare myself the reigning Queen of Gray Area, Certified Bug Nut, and Wile E. Coyote Quirky.
@67 CMDwannabe: An aunt? That works for me.
Philo @ 58
I truly applaud you for extending the "gay" umbrella. Yet definitions can get so tricky and confusing nowadays.
Just to put things in context:
From what I gather it looks like age wise I'm somewhere between Lava and BDF.
My "coming out" occurred only few years ago after a life long struggle, self oppression, and a lot of confusion as to wtf is going on.
I'm still in the process of navigating and exploring.

Terms like bigender and gender queer were only "invented" some 10 years ago, and it was few years later that I heard them for the first time.
All those terms can be truly confusing, have different meanings to different people, and emotions still flying pretty high. For example, couple of years ago I semi-jokingly defined myself as a "part-time lesbian," and a certified organic one was ready to kill me on the spot.
Nothing personal, as mentioned earlier I truly applaud your openness and inclusion, but some of the examples you mentioned can create some very interesting sub divisions. If my female self is dating a trans man, does that make us a straight couple?

So if you don't mind, let's skip the definitions and get into action. In your specific case, the one you mentioned @42, you talk about pegging as nothing more than "twiddling his prostate buttons" and I wonder what's in it for you. And despite also mentioning possible domination you insist on nothing extra ordinary when it comes to gender, orientation, and traditional roles.
Again, no criticism whatsoever, yet curious what motivates you to get involved in all this to begin with.

For me being penetrated is associated with my female side, and so far I also presented myself as such during the seen above acts.
It was also my experience that the women and trans men who were my partners in crime viewed their body extension beyond a mere device to administer prostate buttons twiddling. They also enjoyed being "serviced" as I took their "extension" in my mouth and so on.

So yes, I wonder what's going on in your head while pegging that hot guy or anyone else.
And I assume you already know this but just in case, you can always get devices that also aim to please you as a top female like a double dong or a strap on that rubs your clit during the action.

Hope your Christmas was blue in the sense of a true blue action. Unfortunately mine was uneventful.
Aunt Zelda
And I was so hoping to get 69...
CMD @56 / Philophile @58: FWIW, I did not read CMD as anything other than hetero. Gender identity and sexual orientation are, as you say, different things; being genderqueer does not mean one is queer.

CMD: "Women in General feel more comfortable around me while I'm in my female persona. I think big part of it is because it gives them a false sense of security, assuming I don't want to fuck them." I am not sure that's the assumption. I think women feel safer around a cross-dressed male stranger than a male stranger because, one, you're less likely to be able to outrun us in those high heels; two, you're unlikely to be an "alpha male"; three, we assume you have some sympathy towards some of the challenges of the female condition, like doing hair and makeup, how uncomfortable some female clothes can be, and the traumas of being objectified by men. If you're presenting as female, then the odds are sadly high that you too have had your arse grabbed or something equally unpleasant and are therefore less likely to do it to someone else.

And men may be terrified or disgusted because you upset the natural order of male superiority by rejecting your male side and embracing your female side. Perhaps it's a warning sign that their own masculinity may not be as hard wired in as they thought. Also, I agree that finding you, a biological male, attractive may set off their internal homophobia alarms.
CMD @66: Haha, yes "my best friend's step-aunt" certainly tells everyone she's ever met her exact monthly takings to the dollar. Reminds me of Spaceballs' "I am your father's cousin's former roommate." "What does that make us?" "Absolutely nothing!"

See, Venn, these are the kinds of "literary" references I'll pick up on...
Labels. Why are they so important, why the need for everything to be so clearly defined.
Maybe Philo, being a woman in your 30s, it has become a more important issue, just to navigate the newish terrain.
To me, I just look on in wonder at all the varied ways in which people seem to connect, sexually. In intimacy with others.
BDF @ 72
A great analysis. I would also add that some men view gay men and ״people like myself״ as men who voluntarily gave up their male privileges and therefore are worthless and deserve to be put down to some degree or another.
@EricaP: I think most any chastity device can be removed by a professional

True, a professional welder would have that thing off in no time.
Ms Fan - If you have the system down pat, the particulars matter less. Besides, hang around me long enough and you'll soon know the difference between three things very dull indeed and how romance should never begin with sentiment but should begin with science and end with a settlement.


Mx Wanna - Not just men, though it often takes a slightly altered form in women. Then, too, I've found about an equal number of adherents among troglodytes of either side of the binary to Jimmy Beck's Theory on Orientation (from the Cracker episode One Day a Lemming Will Fly, which appropriately makes a point about the binary that I'm not sure I've seen equaled since).
CMD [70] - If my female self is dating a trans man, does that make us a straight couple?
Yeah, I think a woman dating a man is pretty straight.

I wonder what's in it for you
I like pegging because I've always used strap ons with a vibe, so it's directly fun. I take pride in being able to manipulate a man's body well, but I still consider myself a prostate newbie, so it has .. shall we say educational value. Flexing my hips can almost make me come by itself, so that part is fun for me. It's a different view whether face to face or not, and that's interesting and superior to not having anything cool to watch if a guy is behind me. Besides porn.

curious what motivates you to get involved in all this to begin with
Ever since hearing about trans people, I've been curious and wary about this idea that what you do determines your gender. It's taking gender roles to an extreme in my opinion. I think I'm ok with etiquette; I can treat people the way they request to be treated, even if I think about gender differently. I don't think that I could get past my idea that gender is determined by the chromosomes you are born with, more of a biproduct of sexual reproduction than a set of behaviors or "looking the part". My viewpoint works too well for me, maybe because I have heterosexual preferences, or perhaps because I compare our species to other species a lot. I imagine that the "gender is what you do" crowd also has practical reasons for their beliefs and I'm trying to learn about them. I hope this explains why I ask questions a lot when transgender topics come up. Trying to look for common ground to get along with different kinds of people.

despite also mentioning possible domination you insist on nothing extra ordinary when it comes to gender, orientation, and traditional roles.
I don't believe it's masculine to dominate another, if that's what you mean. I have definitely expressed domination and submission in sex, but for me it takes the form of mixing in some pain with pleasure. Maybe very light verbal power play or force. Pegging or penetrating another doesn't seem particularly dominant to me unless it's done without regard for the penetrated person's comfort. And maybe I don't think of this kind of sex as really extraordinary because it's been over a decade since a guy first surprised me with a strap on and hopeful look.

Re part time lesbian: I can see why a lesbian would be revolted by the thought of their lover being a man part-time, and would consider that a rotten deal for herself and other lesbians. Sorry she was rude though, that's uncalled for. I imagine you've run into some straight women who can't work with the part time lesbian experience either. It seems that you need a mate who is open to being with women or men sexually, either a very open minded monosexual or a bisexual. If you need to express both your trans side and male side in bed, that is. I'd recommend trying to describe your needs as seeking bi or gender queer if you'd like to be considerate of monosexual's interests. Expecting a straight woman to act gay or a gay woman to act straight sometimes is a pretty steep request.

Unfortunately mine was uneventful.
Mine was fortunately uneventful. Going out for Xmas dinner helped eliminate a lot of family conflict, here. Should I curse you by wishing you an interesting life? :)

Lava [74] - Labels. Why are they so important, why the need for everything to be so clearly defined.
Maybe Philo, being a woman in your 30s, it has become a more important issue, just to navigate the newish terrain.

Words and labels are important to define so that our language can convey our ideas accurately. If I don't understand what a word means, I see no reason to use the word. If straight means something different than wanting to be with the opposite gender, I'm going to get the wrong impression if someone describes themselves as straight, I'll have unrealistic expectations.

For me, a lot of the work in life is about developing realistic expectations so that unwelcome surprises occur less often. When people describe themselves very inaccurately, if their actions don't match their words well, I find it nearly impossible to communicate or coordinate with them.
@71 CMDwannabe: Uh-oh! I don't know whether to laugh or apologize.

venn @ 78
Not familiar with your cultural reference, will look it up upon return.

Philo @ 79
Thanks for your elaborate response.
As for "straight couple"- I doubt we will be viewed as such by the masses despite lots of goodwill and definitions that will make some remote sense to few.
As for "part time lesbian"- this wasn't a bedroom conversation, just a friendly one with a small group of friends. Quite a few certified organics are exteemely cool and it's fine with me if they don't want to fuck "people like myself." There are still some others who are very righteous about their orientation and present it as some sort of ideology.
"Interesting" is a blessing and I'll gladly take it. HNY to you too.

Aunt Zelda @ 80
I demand an apology. With a laugh.
Yes Philo. It's just not a country I have to travel. Living on the Sunshine Coast, variation in sexual identity is not widely visible.
Checking out all the variables before committing one's heart and body is always wise.
CMD @75: Yes. Traitors to the "superior" male sex.

Philo @79: "If my female self is dating a trans man, does that make us a straight couple?" -- I disagree. I think a trans man dating a genderqueer bio-male is pretty damn queer. I'd take issue with anyone's characterising my OS relationships with bi men as "straight" relationships. Ain't no one straight in 'em.
"that's interesting and superior to not having anything cool to watch if a guy is behind me." Closets with mirrored doors are your friends.
I'm reposting IED's letter so I can see it as I think.
I'm a 29-year-old bi female living on the East Coast, and I've been in a relationship for three months. It's been a few years since I've dated anyone seriously, and I'm really enjoying it. We have a good relationship so far, and he's great in a lot of ways, but that's part of the problem. Next summer, he will be moving back to his hometown in the Midwest. I just started my dream job, so there's no way I would follow him. I'm uncertain about doing the long-distance thing. Since we're only three months into this, should I cut my losses and call it quits and move on? Or should I enjoy these next six months and let the chips fall where they may, whether it's the end of the relationship or the transition to long-distance?

I think only IED can know how she reacts to breakups and weigh the benefits of more good times and the development of more closeness and intimacy against the pain of a breakup, or the shift to what sounds like a long-term, long-distance relationship.

She says it's been "a few years since [she's] dated anyone seriously," and I take that to mean that she prefers serious relationships and has felt a real connection with this guy. She's no 18-year--old going off to college; at 29, she's not a newbie. She knows what's important to her and she might be getting ready or wanting to think about settling down and doing that next phase-of-life thing, like having kids or being more permanently coupled.

He's "moving back" to his hometown next summer--she doesn't say why, but she also doesn't make it sound like it's a temporary move with a return time stamped on it. Is he going for a graduate program or a training program? Are one of his parents sick and he's going back to care for him/her for a specified time period or an indefinite one?
If this is really her "dream job," unless things go horribly wrong, she should expect to be where she is indefinitely.
How does she handle "let[ting] the chips fall where they may" in general?

Only IED knows the answers to some of these questions and only she knows how she deals with separation or breakups.
Ms Cute - I've just come across the new Prudie's male novelist jokes, and wonder what you think would be the most Tilneyesque reaction/response.
Mr. Ven, could you provide a link or a reference? I've been reading Mallory Ortberg via The Toast for years and loving her. She has written a book called Texts from Jane Eyre and has a series of women in paintings responding to the men in them, as well as having started a series "how to tell you're in a ---- novel," in which she satirizes varies genres or subgenres (other people now participate). My favorite of her earlier pieces is called "Dirtbag Aslan." If you ever read any of the C.S. Lewis series about Narnia (or even just The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe ), I highly recommend it.
Hunter, Yes, I know she wrote for advice, but I think that neither Dan nor we know enough about her state of mind or how she reacts to breakups to really be able to offer anything constructive. I didn't mean that she had the answer to the question what should I do, but rather that she had the answers to several questions that I believe would need to be answered for anyone to give her any truly useful advice.
I get the feeling that ultimately she's hoping for some magical answer, one that will tell her if she does such-and-such, everything will turn out fine and she won't have to give up the dream job or the dream boyfriend, or that she'll only have to wait for 4 months and then he'll return and it's happily ever after. Who knows? It might be. Or the bloom might come off the relationship before the summer.
" I just started my dream job, so there's no way I would follow him."
The words spoken by a woman in a three month relationship, would they be the same words used after a nine month one.
For some women when they fall in love with a man, it can start to feel like one has been kneecapped. Suddenly standing on one's own feet becomes near impossible.
Midwest is how far from the ocean? Shudder to think of it.
LW, if you are a strong willed and independent woman and you are sure you won't succumb to some romantic blindness, you know, thinking this guy is the only one for you and therefore you have to go with him to the centre of the continent, then yes, have a fun time for the next six months.
BDF [83] - I disagree. I think a trans man dating a genderqueer bio-male is pretty damn queer.
Sorry I touched a nerve. Please don't swear at me. I'm going to take this as a serious response anyway since your mirror suggestion was good.

We'll have to agree to disagree. I don't think a straight or gay couple is a description of the people in it, but the configuration of genders in the couple. Poly describes any other possible relationship configuration. A bisexual couple is not such a clear description, to me, and none of my business unless they are a couple of guys wanting me to join in for a night or something. So I think a transwoman dating a transman is in a straight relationship. There are queer elements about the sex and Dad getting pregnant, but like I said, I call a woman dating a man to be dating straight. This relationship seems straight to me, as I would treat them almost the same as a cis man and cis woman starting a family:…

I'm sorry you dislike that I can think of queer people as having a straight relationship. It really means nothing more than male/female politics, to me.
CMD [81] - "Interesting" is a blessing and I'll gladly take it. HNY to you too.
I totally massacred the expression "may you live in interesting times", which is not even a real Chinese curse. I should have stuck with wishing you Peace Joy and Love. And hope you bring in the New Year with a bang :)

It’s good that you lay out what words mean to you, because your meanings are idiosyncratic and not widely shared.

For most queer-identified people, “straight” opposes “queer,” not “same-sex” or “same-gender.” (Most non-queer-identified people haven’t thought a lot about it.)

Your thoughts about sex and gender are not clear. You state that gender = chromosomes and decline to say what sex you think a person with androgen insensitivity syndrome (XY chromosomes, externally unambiguous female phenotype) is.

There are two words for sex and gender for a reason. Sex refers to reproductive biology (and can be ambiguous). Gender refers to all the social baggage that comes along with that. It is absolutely not determined by chromosomes (and can be ambiguous). When an infant is born, its genitals are inspected and (in most cases) it is sexed. When it is then dressed in a pink or football-themed sleeper, it is gendered. (That is, unless you think it helpful to make the meanings of words up yourself and just explain as you go along that for you, hippopotamus means pumpkin pie, except when you are drunk and then it means mammal.)

Yet you refer to Dad becoming pregnant. This appears to be inconsistent with your assertion that gender is a function of chromosomes.
Philo @92: Apologies, didn't mean for my flippant language to be read as belligerent.

But to continue challenging you: if "a 'straight' relationship means nothing more than male-female politics, to me," how can a relationship that involves neither a cis man nor a cis woman be about "male-female politics"? Obviously neither of the participants is weighed down by a lifetime of cisgender expectations, which is how you define a "straight" relationship?

As Alison correctly said, "Most non-queer people haven't thought a lot about it." This is why straight people can easily write off two non-straight people as being a "straight relationship." May I assume that you are straight?
And actually, being (pardon the pun) straight-out told by someone who isn't straight that their relationship isn't straight, but insisting that you are going to continue to call it a straight relationship, is bi/queer-phobic. That's like me referring to all Asians as "Chinese" and refusing to stop using the word, even for a friend who told me he is actually Korean.
FYI, I have been in relationships with straight men and bi men, and there is a difference.
*95: Amend to "being straight-out told by someone who is straight."

In other words, I can think of the world as being flat. Doesn't mean I'm not dead wrong.

Philophile, when you say that a coupling between CMDwannabe’s female persona and a transman would of course be straight, are you going by chromosomes or gender identity?
@BDF - I'd take issue with anyone's characterising my OS relationships with bi men as "straight" relationships. Ain't no one straight in 'em.

So, if I develop a taste for sucking dick on the side, does that suddenly make my same-sex marriage "queer"? I'm pretty sure my wife would still consider us a same-sex or heterosexual couple, aka "straight". There is, after all, nothing bisexual about my relationship with her.

The orientation of a relationship needn't be the same as the orientation of its members. Just ask Marcus Bachman, or the many straight boys who've earned a little cash starring in gay porn.
*97: Never mind, I had it right the first time. Time for a post-holiday detox...
Sean @99: Glad I'm not the only one who's confusing myself! Obviously you mean your opposite-sex marriage.
From your wife's point of view, she might still be in a straight marriage. But that would be minimising to the newly out bisexual you. It would be denying half of your sexuality. A monogamous bisexual is still a bisexual, they are not straight. A monogamous bisexual can participate in "hey, isn't she hot" games or "let's watch threesome porn" in a way that would be different from if they were straight. And if you were bisexual and having sex with men, your wife would potentially need to worry about STI testing. So there are ways in which your relationship may change.

As for "The orientation of a relationship needn't be the same as the orientation of its members," that's potentially true -- take, for instance, poly me and my monogamish partner. He is not poly; he has no interest in pursuing additional relationships, but by being with a poly person, does that make him poly? My answer is no. (However, it's his answer that would be the definitive one.)

But that's a slightly different situation as relationship structure is something you choose. One thing that sticks in my craw is all these "so you're straight now" or "didn't you used to be a lesbian" comments that bisexuals get when they choose a partner of either gender. Two bisexuals dating each other are not in a straight relationship. This is saying that by entering into a relationship, they've both thrown away their bisexual orientation. Which is really offensive. Why is it so difficult to say "opposite-sex relationship" instead?
@BiDanFan: Obviously you mean your opposite-sex marriage.


It would be denying half of your sexuality.

If she says she's in a straight relationship with a bisexual male, I don't think she'd be denying half my sexuality. Still, I take your point that such erasure can and does occur (e.g., "didn't you used to be a lesbian?"), especially for bisexuals since their full orientation can't be easily inferred from any single relationship (unless they're with someone who manages to pull off both genders, I suppose).

Anyway, I do think it's valid and useful to be able describe the orientation of a relationship independently from that of its members. I wouldn't assume a lesbian relationship, for example, is any less lesbian if one of the members is bisexual. That would be disrespectful to the relationship, wouldn't it? At the same time, I wouldn't consider the bisexual member to be any less bisexual for choosing to settle down into a lesbian relationship.

Also keep in mind that it's the orientations of relationships, not individuals, that come with all of the social consequences. No one seems to be discriminating against Marcus Bachmann for being gay. Likewise, bisexuals in opposite-sex relationships would presumably be treated differently by society at large than bisexuals in same-sex relationships. It seems important not to gloss this over.
I use OS/SS because (like Ms Fan, it appears) I think the S/B/LG difference matters once past superficials, and don't want to presume wrongly. Whether a mixed-orientation partnership will necessarily always have a mixed-orientation relationship may be open to interpretation.
Gender not determined by chromosomes, Alison?
Think we've been down this path before. Yes, there is some gender baggage that gets caught in the mix that is Not determined by chromosomes. And people play with their gender identities as they get older, as we see here in the questions or as presented by posters.
Have to head out, just needed to respond to those words. Not very clearly I'm sure. Just red flagging them for later.
I don't mean play with, as in the impulse comes from choice rather than some deeper place of identity.
Can't see Australian Aboriginal tribes dressing their female babies in pink suits. Yet, the men ended up carrying the spears.

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