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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
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I don't know you, so it doesn't matter, but for what it's worth, I'm sorry for your losses. I've experienced what you're talking about... people don't know how to really connect any more... it makes you feel really alone.
It's not the gifts, it's the fact that Anon's friends didn't even acknowledge that he/she was going through a hard time and react accordingly.
I know Anon's story seems to imply his friends were also "physical" in the flesh friends but maybe they became "internet" friends because of too much "texting" and not enough actual physically meeting?
When one of the my supportive friends approached one of the missing in action friends about why he hadn't talked to me since my mother's death, the response was: "I just don't want to deal with the crap he is going through right now" - this was someone who just a year earlier I had helped through his divorce. I had spent the prior three years listening to his obsessive complaining, helped him move his stuff out of his house when he filed the papers, and put him up at my place for a few weeks until he could find his own apartment. At the very least, a simple 'how ya doing?' in the month or two following is not too much to expect from a so-called friend.
Consider this an opportunity to gain some real insights on the people around you and move on. These are the times when you let the deadwood friends fall off.
If you have never read The Year Of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion - please do. It is possibly the greatest exploration of grief ever written (no exaggeration) and helped me through a very tough loss of a close (and far too young) friend. In it, Didion writes how death has become essentially unnatural. Where as a few generations ago, death was common place, expected, and there existed well established social norms for handling grief, we now live in a society that has no idea to react to such tragedy and in fact prefers to think it doesn't exist and if it must exist it should be private. To the misfortune of us all and as you found out, that's true. I had friends who were embarrassed, fucking embarrassed, to talk to me because it was too awkward to talk about my friend passing away. I've learned to forgive some of them, those that made an effort and apologized, but I dumped the rest and found people with a little more understanding in the world.
That said, you did of course confront them head on and say "I need your support right now" right? You suffering a loss does not mean other people's lives stop; work, family, errands, bills, they all still exist for everyone else even when they don't for you.
If you have never read The Year Of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion - please do. It is possibly the greatest exploration of grief ever written (no exaggeration) and helped me through a very tough loss of a close (and far too young) friend. In it, Didion writes how death has become essentially unnatural. Where as a few generations ago, death was common place, expected, and there existed well established social norms for handling grief, we now live in a society that has no idea to react to such tragedy and in fact prefers to think it doesn't exist. If it must exist it should be private, equal to that of abortion or infidelity. To the misfortune of us all and as you found out, people really do feel that way. I had friends who were embarrassed, fucking embarrassed, to talk to me because it was too awkward to talk about my friend passing away. I've learned to forgive some of them, those that made an effort and apologized, but I dumped the rest and found people with a little more understanding in the world.
That said, you did of course confront them head on and say "I need your support right now" right? Because life stops for us it can be hard to remember that jobs, family, bills, errands, chores did not end for those around us.
But that's nothing to do with the original poster. My condolences on your loss. Losing all of that so quickly must be...hard.
Also, it's NEVER TOO LATE to respond to someone's loss, even if years have gone by. It's ok to write a letter saying that "i never told you, but I'm sorry about the loss of your father. . ."
i had the exact opposite thing happen when my mom died. my close circle of friends took great care of me emotionally...it was my "family" that let me down.
I have had loved ones who have lost loved ones, and sometimes the situation can be a little hard to assess. I always attend the funeral anyway, even if I didn't know the person well, but not everyone is like that. Death makes people very uneasy. When my pregnant stepsister's fiancee was tragically killed, all that came out of my brother's mouth was "Oh, shit. Oh shit I'm so sorry." It may sound bad, but the death was so terrible that's all he could say. He really meant it, too. So don't be so hard on people when they don't know what to do.
Taking note of what people did wrong, or didn't do, is not going to make you feel better. It is most certainly not going to make them feel like they can console you later, either. You're only hurting yourself.
But, I don't hold grudges on friends that didn't do much.
How could I? Just a few years prior, a friend of mine got cancer and had to fly to Seattle for treatment frequently. In retrospect I felt like I wasn't really there as much as I should have been for her. We're still friends now and I told her how I felt. A few of her other friends have mentioned this too. She told me she never really felt abandoned or like her friends weren't doing enough. She didn't take it personally.
I think that until you go through something really hard in life, you don't know what it's like. You can't blame close friends for inexperience. You also can't expect to much out of people. Casual acquaintances don't become instant best friends just because your life sucks. Also, for close friends, it can just be too painful. When my father was wasting away, it wasn't just family that had grief but his friends too. Not everyone can do things for you when just they are also grieving.
Anger is normal when bad things happen. But please don't hold a grudge on your friends forever. No one is intentionally trying to hurt you.
I, too, am sorry about your losses. My beloved mother died from complications with Parkinson's last summer. My widowed father, who I go to see once a week, is still deeply in grief. Incidentally, my Dad also has Parkinson's (how rare is THAT?!?), and it's going to be very hard for me when he joins Mom in heaven. I'm also sorry to hear about having nobody there to help you through the grieving process.
You have my deepest sympathy. Be comforted in knowing that, although neither of us knows each other from Adam and Eve, that you are not alone.
Some people just don't know how to deal with their friends' grief, so they do nothing.
Forgive your friends--it's better for you. Some day they will learn when they experience the same thing. And chances are good they will apologize.
The best way to overcome the death of loved ones is to remember the good times and happiness--to celebrate their life, avoid the sadness and negativity. Remember your loved one wants you to be happy. Go find happiness and make them proud.
And I am so sorry for your loss.
Still, it's one of those things that no one seems to truly understand until they've been through it themselves. Because it's not just about the loss of a loved one, which in itself seems difficult to fathom and deal with. It's also about facing your own mortality, as others here have noted. And nobody wants to go there.
A co-worked who had been through a similar situation as me (parent dying of cancer) pulled me aside one day and said, "You've reached a point in your life that there's no turning back from, and only people who have been through it can really be there for you." I felt like I was being drafted into some sort of dark, secret society. And now I feel a real responsibility to my friends to be there for them when they face the same thing.
I think you were getting warmer when you mentioned that their parents hadn't taught them how to comfort someone after profound loss. That sounds about right.
Don't blame social media.
I think you need to find some new friends.
Sometimes people are unsure what to say when times are tough, but that doesn't make what your friends did okay.
That doesn't mean that I wasn't sad, but the grief just wasn't very strong for me... yet that didn't change the fact that it was for the rest of my family, so I stood by them and gave my strenght to them, and reminded them that Gabriel was now free from the pains of suffering (he had been half paralyzed for ten years.)
Remember that our time is always short no matter how long we have, so either forgive your friends or move on, but leave your anger behind no matter what.
If you define "friend" as someone who cares enough about you to want to be around when times are bad, then you're gonna have to part ways with Facebook et al.
Social networking is shit. I despise it, think it's the worst thing to ever become popular on the Internet--and I remember some real stinkers.
When our infant son died, we were devastated and had a huge variety of reactions from friends and community members. Thinking back, all the people who said, "I don't know how you're feeling . . " actually DID. They were the empathic or sensitive ones who called, came by, and knew that simply being present at a time when nothing can fix it or make it better, does help.
And those who said, "I know exactly what you're going through . . . " would proceed to say some fool thing like, "my great aunt is really sick" or "my cat died last year" or "you must be happy he's with Jesus now."
But I'd suggest not writing off the friends who were distant. They likely simply didn't know what to say ("You're in my thoughts."), or do (give you a hug, call you up, take a walk together). They'll learn, but probably not until their own significant loss.