This, unlike so many "I, Anonymous" stories, reads as a true story. Real!

hahahahaha

Fake

I prefer vitriol in my ianons, but as far as 'apologetic' letters go, this is a gem.

This is probably the best reason to BE anonymous ever. And I believe every word of it.

I think your next letter should be one of vitriol aimed at the stall-pisser. What a tool!

Shit happens.

shitnami! turdlewave!

@2: If it's fake, what's the motivation?

@7 - To get a story about liquid poop published in a newspaper, maybe? I think they give Pulitzers for that, but unfortunately, they'll never know who wrote this.

Sorry doubters and naysayers, this story is completely true. Promise.

@9 - That sounds like a confession. I'm counting it.

Everyone, Captain Kirk's Toupee has a poop problem. Be nice to him.

Oh my god.

And if you actually do want to give them a big tip without getting beaten, mail in a money order or something.

Could be the Captain's Toupee is or was an employee at that "lovely Fremont pub" and not the shitter at all.

Honest, heartfelt, and genuinely moving: an I, Anonymous for the ages. I can't wait for the stage adaptation! Bravo!

Did I write this? I don't remember writing it. But mine was at Sam Bonds in Eugene. Sorry guys! Shit just happened! Liquid shit...

Wow. I believe this is true, because I once dated a guy who had a similar thing happen. While walking home in the city at 3am.

There was nowhere to go. Everything was shut. And to my horror, he ended up ducking into an alley. The guy was in a lot of pain, to be fair, but he made a mess of the alley, practically projectile-sh*tting, and after that I was unable to really feel much for him without closing my eyes and picturing the scene. I split with him within the week.

Poor guy.

Don't get pissed with the guy pissing in the toilet. Hasn't anyone else ever noticed the amount of spray / splashback from using a urinal? Personally, I always use a toilet. Excuse me if I don't want to get sprayed with a mixture of my own and 50 other guys stale piss.

re run i anon yet again

JFLJOE STRIKES AGAIN!

@15 I hope your ass explodes in a hot tub with one of your boyfriends.

@8 You mean a Pee-yew-litzer Prize?

Fake. Motivation? To get print in the stranger. Pretty lame.

@20 Mmmm, fecal frappe!

Reminds me of the time I had to go to Bremerton early in the morning. I made a small pot of coffee, about 3 large mugs full, and drank all of it. Did my usual 3 S's, but the first S was small, like the neighbor's lap dog makes on my planting strip (which she NEVER PICKS UP BTW). I dress, get in the car and board the ferry.

Midway through the voyage the coffee begins to work. I have to GO. Now I hate sitting down on a public toilet, because usually the ninny that pisses in the stall doesn't lift the seat leaving a fine spray of urine all over it which I'm reluctant to sit in, even with a gasket between the seat and my ass. I figure I can wait.

Arrival in Bremerton. I get in my car and drive REALLY FAST to my destination just a short distance from the ferry terminal. By the time I get there I have a TURTLE HEAD poking out of my ass! I sprint to the toilet, a public toilet, brushing past a guy getting ready to enter the stall. Yes I know what you what you're thinking, but this was a MUCH cleaner bathroom, plus I was planning to wipe down the seat with spray cleaner which I had access to there. But I didn't have time. I didn't even have time to lay down a gasket!

"HEY!!!" yelled the guy. "Sorry", I yelled back. "This is an EMERGENCY!" I barely had time to undo my belt and whip my pants down. What came next was one of the great MUDSLIDES of my pooping career. The kind that makes you feel five pounds lighter after you're done. When your cornhole is so relaxed you just want to light a cigarette after your done; and not just to burn of the noxious brown cloud that surrounds you when you're done.

And THAT was one of the most memorable poops of my life; and it didn't even end up in my pants.

@16, If you are getting all that splashback, you're using the urinal wrong.

I doubt this is fake. Had something similar happen at BluWater in Greenlake. Except I was wearing a skirt and sandals (summer) and when I let out what I thought was a little gas... it wasnt. ugh. I had shit running down my leg while I sprinted for the bathroom. Horrifying. I feel for this guy.... all you naysayers, I hope it never happens to you!

Their fault for having only one toilet.

And the increasing number of sissy-guys who will NOT piss into a urinal. They require the privacy of the stall. Dipshits.

@29 Yeah! Fuckin' SISSY GUYS! Usually, I just open the fuckin' door to the WC and piss inside! If it's locked, I just punch a hole through the drywall and piss into that. Because I'm NOT a sissy-guy. I don't care who the fuck sees me draining my thunder dragon.

People should wash their hands more often, though.

This is one of my nightmares (I'm incapable of using other people's or public toilets out of pure disgust for sitting on another persons toilet; yeah I'm sick, so what?) This should have read like a horror story to me but the story plus the comments is comedy gold. Thank you for letting me finish off a crappy week by laughing my ass off guys!

It may be real, but it sounds a whole lot like somebody watched I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell one too many times or they read too many of the Tucker Max blogs. That is probably the most dramatic part of the movie.

Maybe I'm a conspiracy nut, but I think there was a second shitter....

Mine was a McDonald's in Nashville TN, and it wasn't me, but it was my tiny baby, who suddenly filled his baby carrier with baby crap. It was EVERYWHERE, running over the edges of the carrier onto the tabletop, and, as I dashed to the bathroom, on the floors and the vanity top in the women's room, as well. Sorry.

@8: Every story ever published in "I, Anonymous" could be considered fake under the logic that someone just wanted to get something gross and/or crazy published in the newspaper. If there's some evidence from inside the story that leads you to believe it's fake, though, let's hear it.

I would have been furious, too, at experiencing this horror because my access to the toilet was thwarted by a mere pee-er. I use the stall for peeing only because I am pathologically shy in public bathrooms and there is no other way that this bodily function could ever take place. I do not like it but I know of no other way to deal with it. Had someone entered the bathroom to bang on the stall door pleading, I'd try to cooperate but if the moment were impossible, then sorry it's just plain old badluck.

"semi-liquid poop slowly oozing down my pants and into my socks and shoes."

The frustrating thing is that this only happens when you don't want it to- you can never seem to do it on demand. I mean, anyone can shit their pants on purpose, but getting it into your shoes? It's some kind of special magic that can't be replicated.

I, Anon is obviously into the buttsecks- why else would he lose control of his bowels like this?
Love,
The Christian Right

Alas, I have finally found you, my soul mate!

best. I. Anonymous. ever.

@36 OK but at least LIFT THE SEAT so you don't piss all over it!

What I love about this is that it hews to the initial purpose of I, Anonymous - unsigned confessions. Which I think are far more interesting than 99+% of what it's turned into, which is "unsigned petty accusations". It seriously used to just be the former. Maybe they couldn't find enough people to submit confessions, and had a, ahem, "shit tsunami" of the other kind (which were getting enthusiastic, if vitriolic, comments - there's no such thing as bad publicity).

Either way, it's refreshing to see actual confessions too, sometimes.

Thank you for Poo Genie's libretto.

@27: You realize that there are guys that would pay good money to watch that.

Figure out what you ate that night and never touch that again! lol! Seriously, that can happen with food poisoning or just a bad virus.

You truly have my sympathy- I once slunk back to a watering hole in abject shame a few days after being similarly struck with either a virus or food poisoning and vomiting copiously all over the ladies' room. I was utterly mortified but the mess I left weighed on my conscience- I was still embarrassed but the apology, underlined with a fifty dollar bill did relieve my guilt... Now that you've confessed, and I know it was not easy, please clip or print this column and put it in an envelope with a crispy bill of the highest denomination you can afford.
Put the envelope in the mail slot of the wonderful establishment.... you will feel better, trust me.

No I, Anonymous this week? Was this the final IA? I guess it was a good one to go out on. The least he/she could have done was say Bye, Anonymous. *sigh* sic transit gloria.

Sounds like something that could possibly happen, but this sounds fake because who says "beloved pub"???