I, Anonymous

In Love and Denial with You

Comments

1
Yet another reason why I don't fraternize with closeted people.
2
You should be writing to Savage Love instead of I, Anon.
3
I think this letter accidentally found its way to "I, Anon" afer falling out of the mailbag marked "Children's Letters to God."
4
No. 2 hit the nail on the head!
5
Fucking pathetic. Grow a pair and put your significant other out of their misery.
6
I seriously doubt this person is going to be devestated to lose you.
7
@1 nobody's gaydar works perfectly, so you can't really know that for sure.
8
oh the drama....if your a chick I'M into it.
call meee.
9
@2 FTW.

Also, I think I attended your wedding last June. Ha!
10
#5 beat me to it. Do everyone a favor, and follow your heart, or loins.

Nothing worse than lying to yourself.
11
Do your significant other a favor and just break up with them now if your plan is to go out and fuck other people anyway. At least you'll be honest then.
12
Think hard about the following three statements:

1. "[T]hinking about you fucking another person makes me sick to my stomach."

2. "Would you be open to my dating other people of my gender?"

3. "So here I am, stuck in a situation I do not know how to get out of without completely destroying the person I love."

Not to stomp all over your exquisitely painful melodrama, but you're only "stuck" because you're not willing to discuss the issue and face the possible consequences: you could lose your SO altogether, or s/he could insist that you grant him/her the same sexual freedom that you're obviously aching for. Your feelings about this relationship seem more rooted in possessiveness and neediness than in genuine mutual respect. You owe your SO the truth, so that the two of you can make informed decisions *together* about the course of your relationship.

And FYI, it's highly unlikely that you will "completely destroy" your SO. Even if the truth ends your relationship, s/he will be heartbroken for some period of time, but will get over it and live a perfectly happy life with a short or long series of new partners. And so will you.

And finally: "I have no one to talk to about this." Well, go and FIND someone to talk to. If you're a college student (or young enough to pass for one), go directly to the nearest campus counseling center. If not, there must be a toll-free "OMG I Think I'm Gay" hotline you can call?
13
I think that's what they're currently calling "queer" - when it's the person, not the gender that attracts (when the gender is the same sex, that is).

Sorta beautiful idea, that.
14
Number 12. Do what number 12 does. And cut your SO free. Stop wasting their time. while you're worried about their "feeling" your wasting their time. If your SO is female, you're wasting their biological time. So cut the cord.

So yeah, follow the advice of #12 already.
15
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!! Snore.
16
#2 FTW.
17
Words of wisdome @ 12!
18
Been there, done that, for nigh on 30 years. If you don't have kids, move on. If you have a family, and decide to stay, it can be done, but understand that it is a choice that comes with a lot of heartache on both sides, and a walloping dose of depression. Good luck--and I'd be lying if I didn't say that you are going to need it. Alternatively, see today's Savage Love, and think about a safety valve.
19
Hello... I think I may be your girlfriend. I know you may think I'm too fragile to handle something like this, but please acknowledge how much I've grown over the years. I can deal with it, and yes - you can date other people, as long as I can too. I've always told you I'd rather you just fuck other people and keep loving me, if it means we can be together. I don't think your selfish for getting us into this situation; we were so young when we got together, and neither of us really knew ourselves. Now the strongest truth that exists to me is that we love each other unconditionally. This will not break us... it's JUST sex. Even though you may be attracted to others of a gender not my own, I know you still enjoy fucking me - and I you, so let's keep doing it every once in a while like we do now. Allowing these freedoms to each other will only make our love stronger. If you really know me like I think you do, then you'll put the shame aside and let me help you through this. I love you forever.
20
Hello... I think I may be your girlfriend. I know you may think I'm too fragile to handle something like this, but please acknowledge how much I've grown over the years. I can deal with it, and yes - you can date other people, as long as I can too. I've always told you I'd rather you just fuck other people and keep loving me, if it means we can be together. I don't think you're selfish for getting us into this situation; we were so young when we got together, and neither of us really knew ourselves. Now the strongest truth that exists to me is that we love each other unconditionally. This will not break us... it's JUST sex. Even though you may be attracted to others of a gender not my own, I know you still enjoy fucking me - and I you, so let's keep doing it every once in a while like we do now. Allowing these freedoms to each other will only make our love stronger. If you really know me like I think you do, then you'll put the shame aside and let me help you through this. I love you forever.
21
I can almost say for certain that I am in this situation, but I am your "loved". I wish my "you" would come clean, we would work something out, I know, because we both care about each other too much.
22
@12. and @21 - what they said.

'no one to talk to'? are you serious? if you posted here, you can google and join the entire spectrum of married but queer groups - virtual, f2f, both, etc. go. go, GO!

i am waiting on the sidelines for not one one but two women who are [possibly, perhaps, maybe, might be DUH] married lesbians to make up their mind, 'destroy my husbands' life' [yeah, for 3 months until he finds someone new] and step out of the closet.
lots of drama, but not much common sense, respect for the marriage, the husband, or even the children.

correction; i'm watching the spectacle from the audience, and not waiting.

if you keep doing the same thing and expect some agent of magic to bring you guilt-free different results, you're going to be really frustrated in that closet.

do something.
23
Man up.
24
There's a name for people you love but aren't attracted to. They are called 'friends.'

Put your SO out of her misery. Be her friend and fuck other people. *solved*
25
@ 7 - Sorry, but mine does.
26
My best friend in the world is my gay ex-husband. Twenty years ago, I left him after finding his magazines. Twice. He wanted to stay married because he loved me- I loved him too but needed more from a husband. He did not mean to hurt me, and that I could forgive.

Long story short- you CAN have a relationship with this person that you love. Respect them enough to be honest. It won't be easy, and it did take a couple of years for me and my ex to figure out how this was going to work. Now he is part of the family, the brother my sister and I never had, trusted friend to my husband, uncle to my daughter. Dinner together once a week, vacations... all of it. Your love will look a little different, but it will be just as important in your life.

Now that you know this about yourself, say something. Waiting to tell will only add betrayal to the emotional upheaval.

Good luck!
27
blah blah blah have another beer, you'll be all over this crap when you're 30
28
I want to second what 26 said, but from your side's perspective. After I ended a four year relationship wig a guy I deeply loved and wanted to be with forever because I realized I needed to date women, it was really hard. For both of us. we would have gotten married if not for that. Now, another 4 years later, he is my best friend. We can share ourselves with eachother in a way that is totally unique and wonderful. I wouldn't trade the deep friendship we have now for anything. Oh, and I get to have all of that and fall in love and sleep with people who finally "feel right". Do it, end it. With kindness and taking full responsibility.
29
@5 I think that's a little extreme...
30
worst I Anonymous column in a peon's age...
31
suck it up and move on. this will not end well.
32
@2 I suspect this person has already tried SL, and is settling for the peanut-gallery advice provided by commenters because this column is infinitely easier to get published in.
33
its sad and fucked up. what gives people the right to hurt others and write about how much it hurts to hurt others. gay straight bi fly pie my who gives a shit. Do what you "need to do" and stop hanging on and writing about how hard it is to hang on and how hard it is to let go. Your not dying and I don't feel sorry for you. This gender crossing love, CLEARLY doesn't cross into the opposite sex for you. So stop being a melancholy sissy, your not in a movie, and even "dr." phil wont hold your hand on this one. Your going to hurt someone, just don't pretend you care enough not to. penis out ways this so called gender crossing love for you. gross. this is why i only like the funny vengeful I, anonymous. or the actually poignant ones. This society has fooled you into believing you can do whatever you want and then wine about how hard it is to be a misleading confused asshole. cry me a river.
34
there was no mention of how long they've been together or if they have kids together or a home/mortgage. It's bad enough to string someone along but when kids and $$$ are mixed it makes this situation even more irresponsible. I'm pretty sure my ex wife is bi/gay. She had zero sexdrive but always wanted to hang out with her girlfriends (some of who are gay). I feel like I wasted my 20's. I've seen a few friends have their marriage's end because their wife "suddenly" became gay. NOBODY is forced to get married. My kids will grow up feeling confused because their drama-queen mother will fill their heads with all kinds of concepts that are really only applicable to selfish people.